Stressful events are things that come out of the blue and knocks us for a six. Planning Plan B by Kylie Parker will help you recover from the top 10.
I am super excited to introduce you to Kylie’s fabulous book as I had a small part to play in contributing to it. I did not hesitate when Kylie asked me to write as a relationship expert to help others.
Planning Plan B, is written for when life’s bumps in the road through you off track. It gives you the how to get back up and running again.
Kylie consulted with experts to bring us practical, prudent and real world advice. Here you will learn from financial planners Mark Bradley and Hamish Thomson from Priority Advisory Group, Melanie McFarlane business owner, Melinda Winning family lawyer, Alan Prasad, Michael Gottlieb, Vanessa Billy, Mark Sacks, Campbell Fuller, Kate Fitzsimmons, Michael Long and myself how to be prepared for Plan B.
Planning Plan B author Kylie Parker
Kylie has taken the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scales (Holmes & Rahe, 1967) 10 stressful events and compiled a way forward when disaster strikes.
The Stressful 10 are:
1. Death
2. Death of a spouse or close family member
3. Divorce or permanent separation – without kids
4. Divorce or permanent separation – with kids
5. Disability or incapacity due to accident or illness.
6. Dismissal from employment
7. Disaster occurring whilst traveling
8. Dissolution of a business due to financial loss or unforeseen circumstances
9. Depression, mental illness or Dementia
10. Distressed sale of a home.
Life’s big things, we may never have to go through but if you do it is best to be informed. So get Plan B today!
References
Holmes, T. H., & Rahe, R. H. (1967). The social readjustment rating scale. Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 11, 213.
In Australia we are approaching Easter, a significant religious holiday for many. While I am do not belong to any church custom, I do a respect folks observances and their special traditions associated with this holy time.
When we were kids in New Zealand our TV stations played the Biblical hits. Truly this was this (with the greatest respect) where I received my religious education.
Watching Charlton Heston part the Red Sea in the 1956 tribute The Ten Commandments, was awe inspiring and still is.
Charlton Heston with Ronald Reagan. Mr Heston played a great Moses, I look forward to seeing him again.
I will be getting the DVD down from the shelves. Yes I own it.
Despite not coming from a Christian background I do believe the Ten Commandments are a useful guide to live by.
Easter isn’t just about eggs and chocolates. Yes I do indulge in the brown delicious sweet!
Easter eggs are a fun and yummy chocolate treat.
I like to use it a a time for reflection.
It is a time where I am not working. What has passed in my life, people, habits or old beliefs? The death of things that not longer support me or help me grow. These can be a simple as changing an exercise routine.
It is an opportunity to bring about change with the ‘rising’. I ask how can I encourage and support myself and others to be their greatness? What works do I need to achieve in my mission of service?
How would you apply this to your relationship?
What do you need to do inspire for your partner? Is there anything you can do to enliven your partnership? Put some thought into it. Love to hear what you came up with and how it helped. Pop a comment in the box below.
Sexual frequency and libido difference are a huge relationship challenge. In my general experience men use to sex and physical touch to connect, whereas women need to feel emotionally connect in order to have sex.
Michele Weiner-Davis’s gives us her words of wisdom on the sex starved marriage. Here she is:
I love Ted Talks they are a superb free way to access thousands of amazing and inspiring speeches on every topic imaginable.
Can you guess the number one presenting problem couples have when they come in to see me? Yes you’d be right if you’ve said it is communication. Complaints begin with s/He doesn’t communicate, or s/he never listens are catch cries repeated in my office.
Accusations fly and a load of words move between the spouses like arrows. The discouraging thing is it’s usually totally negative. Making it virtually impossible to stay connected and positive.
Crappy Communication. Can you read the body language? Know what this feels like?
When we feel attacked and criticized we usually get defensive, worn down and ultimately one or both withdraw, shutting down in sheer frustration.
Sound familiar? Perhaps you can see how this applies to your arguments and attempts to talk on the hot topics – parenting, finance, the in-laws the list goes on.
Now it’s not that they can’t talk, the truth is they can’t communicate effectively. When I listen it becomes clear key skills are missing. Communication is often misunderstood, especially in partnerships. That’s why couple coaching works.
Learning the techniques to communicate clearly will allow you to find freedom, joy, love and genuine connection. Disconnection is the second major complaint couples have.
Paint your wall differently. Look, learn and listen.
When you communicate clearly you create:
Clarity and perspective
Deeper connection
Creativity
Consideration
Minimal conflict
Faster results
Better outcomes for all
Love in each others company. Learn the ability to communicate effectively
Who doesn’t what these life-enhancing benefits?
Where Couples go Wrong.
If you have ever found yourself in the equivalent of a communication traffic jam, then you will recognise the roadblocks. Once you realise and release these barriers, next time when you see the signs you can take a different route entirely. You are in the drivers seat!
Common Roadblocks:
Missing the message
Accusation
Defensiveness
Poor tone
Lack of politeness
Reactivity
As I promised here are 8 Potently Powerful Communication Skills
1 Create Connection.
Before we even start to have a discussion we need to ensure we are ‘with’ the person. This means getting in synch with them. In therapy speak we call this joining. What we want to do is build rapport.
Communication experts believe the majority of the message being both sent and received is nonverbal. Words only account for a lousy 7% of communication is the oft-stated figure.
We have amazing things inside called mirror neurons, which, allow us to understand and feel what other people are going through.
That’s why when you watch those kids on TV bouncing off the see saw hard your body winces and you go ouch! And possibly laugh.
Mirror neurons give us this capacity for social synchrony, promoting bonding and empathy in our relationships. Scientists have determined analytical thought destroys and creates misunderstanding. Stop any analysis paralysis.
Caught up in thoughts ? Not useful for in-depth communiques
How do I create connection?
Simple you copy and match your mate’s body language as your chatting to them. It’s human nature we like others like us. Pay attention to your partner’s gestures, placement, and tone of voice.
If they tilt their head to one side you match this. If they are speaking slowly, so do you. When then breathe you breathe with them. They have crossed legs you might cross yours at the ankle. The key is to do it subtly.
These guys are not succeeding in the subtle !
Next time you are with someone and having fun, you will most likely find yourself doing this automatically. It is an unconscious process. So get back into synch with your partner today.
2 Forget Mind Reading. Become a Body Reader.
It’s not as creepy as it sounds. Too many partners are busy reading their significant others mind and totally missing vital information.
You won’t be surprised to hear body speak is a vital component. Don’t worry you don’t need to be an Allan Pease body language expert to decode your partners message.
What you do need is an idea of what their body is signalling to you. Is there a sign of relaxation and ease or discomfort?
Signs of comfort and ease are leaning towards, physically coming closer, twinkling eyes, turning to face you, a head tilt, a pat of the hand, a smile and touch.
Create connection and collaboration see this couples intimacy and comfort levels are high
Signs of discomfort appear as head or neck touching or rubbing, head turning away, arms crossing, body angle or feet turning away and poor eye contact or looking away.
Read this mans comfort levels as low. Crossed arms, flattened mouth and rigid body posture are a give away.
What you want to do is note where the person’s general comfort levels are. High comfort gives you a green light to keep going and low comfort you may need to back off a bit.
For example I am in connection with my partner and I notice he goes rigid and starts smoothing his hair with his hand frequently, his face looks taut. I know that he is in discomfort and most likely not able to hear things clearly. So I soften and go back to creating connection.
3 Own It.
They best way to own your communication I know is with the tried and true “I Statement.”
An I statement is where you describe your experience and feelings on something. It is the gold standard in assertive communication.
If it goes something like: Hi honey did you take the garbage out (you know they didn’t as you can see the overflow out of the corner of your eye). They say Sorry I forgot. I’ll do it, why do you have to keep asking? Don’t you trust me? You respond you take forever to do it.”
You get the picture and I am sure you know where this one goes off into the ditch in your own life experience.
When you use a you statement which is sadly often followed with a never, always don’t, it will come across as an accusation. No one likes to be accused. Naturally they go into defense mode. These are part of what John Gottman refers to as the four Horseman of the Apocalypse and good predictors of divorce in communication patterns.
Read this statement and see what is wrong with it. “ I feel/think that you….” Warning this is not an I address of usefulness. The You overtake the I.
Bad news right? So the antidote is the “I Statement.”
An “I” offers an objective opinion; it opens space and gets your message across. Try taking a true I statement personally. Use this vital skill today in all your relationships and interactions. Watch the change.
4 Be Open.
This should really be at the top of my list, please make it your priority.
When you are vulnerable and open to others real magic happens. People will feel safe and will be open towards you. True vulnerability builds trust and strengthens bonds while deepening connection. See why it’s a priority? This will give you increased joy and security in all your relationships. Vulnerability is the cornerstone of intimacy.
When we feel safe we are like the flower opening to the sun, the bird spreading her wings to soar and the dolphin dancing in the waves.
Vulnerability advocate and researcher Brené Brown has improved our knowledge tremendously. I recommend her books and you will find these in the Book Resource section.
If you want your partner to be open and share their vulnerabilities you are going to have to take the lead and be the first to be vulnerable.
Vulnerability and gentle honesty can provide you with a powerful relationship, now who doesn’t want that? Let’s have a go at increasing your joy and stimulating satisfaction.
5 Silence.
Yes the next thing you need to do is to shut up. Finding silence helps you listen intently to understand.
Shhh, listen you will hear something good.
Quietness is a true gift for your spouse and you. This gift will create a deeper soulful relationship.
The stillness of attending silence offers you the opportunity to be a better listener. It is an active process of being soft and taking things in without interpretation or reaction.
Creating a silent space for others encourages them to talk more. (Yes I can hear some people cheering at this. Talkers, get ready to listen more.)
Interruption and its accomplice inner rebuttal (thinking of what you are going to say, how wrong they are in your mind while the other is speaking) are the murderers of silence. These shut down and diminish relationships.
True silence gently allows your significant other an invitation to help you both learn more about each other and the situation. Offering you real growth potential. Sit in attended silence more.
6 Respect.
While respect is not so much a skill as an attitude. It says to your loved one you matter to me. I will show up in this discussion. If you wish to be an influential parent, a thoughtful partner or caring friend this outlook is the key to successful interactions. It all starts with you.
Respect is shown is a light tone of voice, it says I am here ready to hear you. I care about you, your issues matter to me and I want to help you.
Opponents to Respect are:
Problem Solving
Thinking of your answer
Intellectualizing
Asking too many questions
Talking over another person
Intimidation – yelling, aggression or worse still throwing property or making threats
Bringing out all the issues at once
Dredging up the past resentments– dirty fighting
So as Aretha Franklin say show a little Respect! Forget any interjection, and relax. This alone will go a long way to resolving your issues and makes for a safe landing zone.
Respect you and your partner.
7 Reflect for Clarity.
In therapy we us a term called reflection, or mirroring. Basically this is where you paraphrase the other person’s comments back to them. It’s an integral part of a listening exercise using called Imago dialogue many couple therapists employ.
Pussy cat reflecting on the dialogue
You let your partner speak and feedback what you have heard. This allows both you and them to really feel heard and attended too.
The real power here is will provide clear communication. No longer will you misinterpret your mate. You will check in with them. They will even help you if you have missed something.
When you partner has said their piece you paraphrase back to them. “So what I hearing you saying is… is a good starter or From what you said I heard … did I get that?
Practice, practice and then some more practice. Here you do not add anything in this process is for creating connection.
8 Add in Empathy to the Mix.
After you have reflected for clarity you can add the most potent communication enhancer empathy to your skills.
This is where you have a guess at what the other person is feeling on an emotional front. Connecting with a partner on a emotional basis will advance your relationship to a new level of fulfillment. Empathy is the healing influence. It is also the cornerstone of emotional intelligence.
So work at developing this and the above core skills to advance your relationships and connections to a higher level today. Challenge yourself to take these words off the blog and into your life, have fun!
Happy communicators make good friends and lovers
Please let us know in the comments below what have been your bugbears and what has made a difference. Perhaps you have a suggestion you would like us to help you further with in your communication quandaries or would like to share your successes – we would love to read about them.
I was at the library in December and I looked over, as I felt drawn to a sandy coloured book and indeed the title appealed immensely
” Life is Good.” Sounded like the perfect start to my holiday break reading. Was it ever!
George Dawson’s life is expressed beautifully by Richard Glaubman, and was an incredibly inspiring journey.
Here’s the back of the book blurb : “What makes a happy person, a happy life? In this remarkable book, George Dawson, a 101-year-old man who learned to read when he was 98, reflects on the philosophy he learned from his father- a belief that ‘life is so good’ – as he offers valuable lessons in living a fresh, first-hand view of America during the twentieth century.”
George was born into the 19th century, experienced the 20th Century and lives in the 21st Century. I can’t even imagine what he’s seen and been through. This book allows us a wonderful glimpse into history. George was the grandson of slaves and despite hardships, lack of access to education in his childhood, poverty, danger and discrimination used his Father’s words and respect to live a rich life.
Here are some of the wisdom gems from George Dawson with 101 January’s to back it up.
After witnessing a murder, George is justifiably angry, and he tells his father. His father’s view is matter of fact. He says ” His suffering is over, son…You don’t need to worry for him.” George is still upset with the injustice, naturally at the loss of life and blames the group. To which his Papa responds:“Some of those white folks is mean and nasty. Some were just scared. It doesn’t matter. You have no right to judge another human being. Don’t you ever forget.”
These are words that set the course of George’s life, to which he abides by even to this day.
This for me is a reminder despite all the evil and stupidity there is in life we don’t know what is going on inside another. Who among us has not done anything we feel some remorse or regret for? Not judging another is a good axiom to live by and of course we need to include ourselves
I am a eternal optimist and believe in the good of humanity. That’s why I do the work I do.
The flower blooms from earth, water and fertiliser to feed them.The Dalai Lama lives love and non-judgment.
We learn more from encouragement to see our ‘mistakes’ as opportunities to learn and grow from.
Richard let’s George voice narrate an elegant epithet of George’s response to his 16-year-old son Junior getting into trouble at school leading to him being sent home.
With his hard working, ethic George was never late
The first thing he did was call work and tell them had was going to be late. George prioritised his child’s need for him to show up at the school. Mind you George had never been late. George prides himself on being a hard worker.
When George got to the school with Junior he addressed the Principal. He said “I got a have to do every day and I can’t come in all the time, I expect my son to do his job at school. His work is at school. If Junior does something wrong, you don’t need my permission to punish him. That is your job to discipline him at school.”
Junior never got into trouble again, doing really well in school.
Here is the key piece of George’s parenting wisdom – : “Mostly I told them something and they listened. I only said something one time. See, I respected my own father and did what he told me. With my own children it was the same. We was the parents. It was our job to have the children ready to be in this world, A child doesn’t learn so much by words as he does by watching, The children were always watching their mother and me. That’s how they learn right from wrong, by watching what we do.”
George lives his own words. When Richard shows him the terrrible news heading 15 CHILDREN DEAD AT COLUMBINE HIGH SCHOOL, and asks what he thinks has gone wrong? George responds with “Children killing children.. is a terrible thing. Its not just the children. It’s the grown-ups too.”
Children are the blooms we parents produce through our efforts
His take on parenting is “With children, you got to raise them. Some parents these days are growing children, not raising children, and there’s a big difference .”
I understand this coming from a family that once had market gardens. Every year we would plant the seeds. One of my favourites were the runner beans, we used to sell them on an honour system for 80 cents a kilo at the our gate. Can you believe how cheap things were! This is in New Zealand where I was born. When the beans first poke out of the earth sprouting, they need protection from the elements and gentleness. As they reach for the sun the trip skywards needs them to have something to climb on so they don’t collapse. We put up wire mesh and rope for them to hold firm to and raise their bounty. They flower in appreciation, delicate red jewels and it is time to harvest the crop of beans sown and cared for with love.
If you ignore your beans they will wither and die. Too much food or water and they are dead from kindness. Raise them well those little sprouts of yours!
From these little sprouts majestic trees, wonderful food and sources of joy emerge
George didn’t read about history he lived it. He became a student at 98, learning to read saying he had always had a dream he would learn to read. For nearly a century he kept this secret. He worked around it by listening. He has been going to school for three years now. Every day he is excited to be learning. When Richard asks him if he was afraid he couldn’t do it, George replies ” Son, I always thought I could drive a spike as good as a any man and cood as good as any woman, I just figured if everybody else can learn to read, I could too.”
All dogs can learn new things, so can we at any age. Thanks Mr Dawson
I love this, and totally believe the old saying you can’t teach an old dog new tricks is now defunct. We now know from the research on neuroscience and plasticity our brains and our behaviour can change. Hallelujah.
There are many more pearls of wisdom from George long existence, which Richard has given us access to ( thank you both!), in this delightful book. I highly recommmend it to you as a heart warming read to share with your friends.
I’d be ever so grateful if you wish to purchase this fantastic book, please click on the book image to go directly to Amazon. This is an affiliate link through which I make a small commission. If you would kindly buy via the link it helps us to offset the cost of running this website. Of course you don’t have to use the link, you can search for “Life is Good” and buy it without the affiliate link. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
The Sydney Harbour Fireworks light our way into 2018 so magnificently!
We are super exicted to welcome you to 2018. This year has a particularly good vibe to it.
We loved the Sydney Harbour fireworks exploding with joy and celebration. Uplifting as always.
Of course there have been the usual ups and downs of life. My heart has gone out to many who have faced loss and grief in 2017.
At the years beginning, I like to do a review. It’s great to reflect on 2017 by taking a look in the rear view mirror. What’s been my progress, whats got in the way? The way I do this is by looking at last years directions for 2017.
2018 Directions and progress by design
I enjoy a small ritual to invite in my wishes and desires for the opening annual. I keep it fresh and title it simply “Wishlist 2018.”
With my trusty pen I scribe my dreams, hopes and wishes in mu new 2018 diary, she’s a pretty pink this year.
Philipa’s Pink Planning Diary for 2018, Easy to Highlight
We all know there tons of research about the importance of writing ( yes physcially putting pen to paper) in goal setting. I am not going to bore you with it here. Naturally this applies to dream wishing. Besides it feels good to use your fingers, listen to your thoughts and see them unfold on the fresh clean slate.
This is a creative list where I literally stop my rational brain from interfering. I am responding to my deepest desires and there is often lighter ( read shallower) hopes.
On my list this year is the Clinical Masters of Psychology and there is a new stereo. The only proviso I have for this list is that anything can go on it. It is an open item and receives updates as necessary.
I would love to hear how you much you enjoyed writing your list and if you would be so kind as to share something of what’s on it, I would be grateful and I will respond. Again Happy 2018!
Peace and light so your glow shines for another year.
We wish you all the blessings to all our clients, and all the folk who have watched, read, heard and participated in Marriage Works online community and You tube.
Your wonderful selves make this world a better place. Thank you!
Please make merry in the festive season with the intended good will and cheer.
Tis the Season … Merry Xmas and Happy Holidays!
With love and gracious appreciation, Philipa and Chris of Marriage Works.
Blessings for the holiday season to one and all. Love Philipa and Chris
I’ve posted a 4-part video series explaining my take on The Last Resort Technique (LRT) which is the most popular page on this website. See that page for a detailed breakdown of LRT.
Questions and comments are welcome either in YouTube comments section or in the comments on the page dedicated to The Last Resort Technique. Please like and subscribe on YouTube to help others find this information.
Introduction video
1:36 mins part 1 of 4
Michele Weiner-Davis The Last Resort Technique is also known as LRT or “The 180”. It comes from her amazing book The Divorce Remedy.
I’d appreciate it if you wish to purchase this worthy book, you click on the link to go directly to Amazon. This is an affiliate link through which I make a small commission if you buy via the link to offset the cost of running this website. You don’t have to use the link, you can search for “The Divorce Remedy” and buy it without the affiliate link.
In second video we get into the details of
Step 1 – Stop Chasing
4:17 minutes – part 2 of 4
Step 2 – Get a Life
9:38 mins – part 3 of 4
Step 3 – Wait and Watch
8:05 minutes part 4 of 4
Again, please like and subscribe on YouTube to help others find this information. A tweet or a share on social media would also benefit others.
Welcome to mental health awareness week. I wanted to give you some options for you to help yourself. This will be very useful for those of you who have seen the Last Resort Tehcnique – Relationship saving advice on my Blog. Here is the link just in case you missed it.Last Resort Technique.
Love in the world.
If you find this helpful please pass on to friends and family who may benefit.
Depression, anxiety and many mental health conditions become isolating and hard to deal with alone. So I want you to know there is help for you, you are not alone. Here are the five tips you can start today to get yourself back to you.
1) Find your tribe
It is well known social connections are crucial for a person who is experiencing depression. Social isolation is one of the hallmarks of a depressed person as they withdraw from social connections. An Australian study’s (Cruwy’s et al., 2014) findings demonstrate that those who not only joined a local group (some did yoga, art, Professor Alexander Haslam (Cruwy’s et al., 2014), a co-author, said:
“We were able to find clear evidence that joining groups, and coming to identify with them, can alleviate depression. “Our work shows that the ‘group’ aspect of social interaction is critical.” “…a group has to matter psychologically in order to be beneficial for depression – simply “showing up” without commitment or engagement is unlikely to be sufficient.”
The authors conclude that their study suggests…
“…that tackling the challenge of depression involves not just putting the person back into the group, but also putting the group back into the person.”
Fancy hula dancing well give ti a try!
It seems finding your tribe, mob or community is important to healing depression. It’s vital this group is a place where you feel a connection. It could be taking up a hobby, acting classes, Yoga, community classes, Laughter Yoga, dancing, sports, it could even be online.
I was on a talkback radio show for ABC 702 with Radio host Philip Clarke and Professor Katina Michael from the University of Wollongong, where we were pondering is ‘Facebook making us sad.’ A lady called in and said Facebook had helped her recover from depression and it’s isolation. She told us that when a relative put up a profile for her, at first she was unnerved but as she found her friends and family coming out to support her she felt connected. How wonderful.
Facebook can connect you to a new world of online friends.
Look at the resources section at the end of this chapter, to find useful links.
So find your support network to gain connection and healing in the long term. We all need a cheer squad at times to send us love, validation and affirmation.
2) The Power of Pets
The other option is to start up your own tribe. I had a car accident where I was rear ended, leading to an injury and my beautiful car being written off. Very sad loss of course. Certainly an unexpected and tough break, to say the least! This event turned out to be a turning point in my life. My days spent on the bus travelling 90 minutes each way to go to work got rather tedious. I decided to go full time in my private practice Marriage Works, and it has been a fantastic change for the better.
Another light that shone at this time was a friend suggesting I get a pet, which I did. Taneisha was 12 years of age when she came to live with me from a breeder. She was well loved but ready to retire as she could no longer have kittens. I joke, I rescued her from sex slavery – she was a champion Burmese breeding feline. I have always had animals for most of my younger life, raising lambs, fish, chickens, budgies, a duck and cats.
Taneisha unofficial Therapy feline of Marriage Works. Animals offer unconditional loving to many humans who need TLC.
Taneisha as you can see is a beautiful chocolate Burmese (low allergy too!) and spectacularly loving. She has a sixth sense for knowing when a person is down or upset. I was seeing a family and I was surprised when she went straight up to the girl who was agitated and upset and jumped up into her lap. Naturally the child started to stroke her as she settled down to sit. Boy did Taneisha help soothe her.
Pets such as dogs, cats, birds or any animal you personally connect with can become a wonderful and devoted part of a person’s life. The benefits are profound. The unconditional loving of an animal cannot be underestimated. I have seen people care for their pets so tenderly. They will take them for walks, feed them, talk to them and cuddle them, incredibly healing for anyone.
There is scientific evidence from studies of therapy animals visiting nursing homes; hospital units and so forth are helping healing and bringing cheer to all. Only the other day I heard the ‘baa’ of a goat. Now I live in metropolitan Sydney, so this is an unusual sound to hear when it’s not coming from the TV. None of my neighbours has a goat in their yard. I look across my balcony to see the ‘baaing’ was coming from the nursing home across the road. Evidently there was a petting zoo there for residents to touch and connect with physically. What joy I felt as I could see the residents outside in the fresh air enjoying this interaction.
3) You Are What You Eat
It is long known that a healthy diet plays an important part in a persons overall well-being and ability to handle stress. In a large study of 15,093 people who were followed over 10 years, the traditional Mediterranean diet, which includes eating nuts, fruits and vegetables, legumes, fish/seafood, cereals, and monounsaturated oils, had a protective effect and lowered the risk of depression (Sánchez-Villegas et al., 2015). There is a body of thinking from scientists that depression could be partly down to a lack of essential nutrients. There is an added benefit to eating healthily. Food is fuel and if we fill our ‘tank’ with nutrient rich and healthy foods, our system is likely to feel the benefits. This is something we can control in our lives. Luckily fresh vegetables are relatively cheap and easy to come by.
The colours of love for your body. Vegetables are natures multi vitamins.
I’d appreciate it if you wish to purchase this worthy book, you click on the link to go directly to Amazon. This is an affiliate link through which I make a small commission if you buy via the link to offset the cost of running this website. You don’t have to use the link, you can search for “The Divorce Remedy” and buy it without the affiliate link.
4) Movement Counts
Now to our bodies. We are movement machines and much research has been done to demonstrate the effectiveness of exercise on our mind and our bodies. We release endorphins, which are neurotransmitters and powerful brain chemicals to lower stress. Research also suggests that the benefits of exercise involvement may be long lasting. Depressed adults who took part in a fitness program displayed significantly greater improvements in depression, anxiety, and self esteem (Craft and Perna, 2004).
She’s on a runner’s high, feeling good with endorphins flowing through her body.
The endorphins are our body’s natural pain relief substances and provide positive feelings, similar to that given by morphine. Perhaps you have heard of the ‘runner’s high’ where a person feels euphoric and energised after a workout. (Craft and Perna, 2004).
Exercise has many positive benefits these include
Lowering stress
Improving self- esteem
Reducing anxiety
Depression relief
Better sleeping
Improves heart health
Boosts energy levels
Lowers blood pressure
Increases strengthen and tones muscles
Strengthens bones
Helps reduce fat
And it is free. Start small at first. A walk around the block is a beginning, and then adds a bit more. Great if you can access a park or a nature reserve. There is something special about being in nature for us humans. Get your green on. The beach is another wonderful place; take a dip in the ocean and get your dose of positive ions for free. I find there is something very cleansing about being in water that is incredibly healing.
5) Nourish your Spirit
Today in Australia and most of the western world we live in a highly materialistic world, overflowing with technology. The pressure to compete and maintain expensive lifestyles may be draining our spirit. It is thought that a sense of spiritual impoverishment is a contributor in modern societies ever increasing epidemic of depression and anxiety. Perhaps we are undernourished spiritually, leading us to feel a deeper sense of dissatisfaction, disconnection and distress.
In talking about spirituality, I am referring to your belief system that informs and guides your life for it’s highest good. Spirituality is uniquely personal and can be connected with nature, animals or those beliefs espoused by organized religions. Faith can be very healing. Perhaps you grew up in a particular religious system – Judaism, Buddhism, Catholicism, Islam and Hinduism to name a few. You may want to revisit your local church, synagogue, temple or mosque to reconnect.
If this isn’t your thing you can find spiritual support in many forms. Music offers many people relief and has long been available for spiritual nurturance.
Sing!
Joining a choir offers us a powerful spiritual expression, support of a group and brain growth. It’s hard to be unhappy for long at a sing-along. I enjoy Salsa as a dance and the music is cheerful and uplifting. I have a Buddhist friend who loves singing in an Anglican choir, so there are many possibilities.
A happy band, they could be playing your tune.
Songs are often intimate and celebratory, offering you harmony- sorry for the pun. Singing lifts your spirits in all senses emotionally and physically. Your brain releases endorphins and oxytocin, powerful mood enhancers and alleviates stress. Music is soul food.
The Power of the Pen.
Writing a journal whether in paper or digitally has been a form of cantharis for centuries. There is something incredibly potent in putting pen to paper that aids in release and reflection. Oprah swears by a daily gratitude list as a supportive practice. Affirmations can be amazingly influential especially when written. I especially like Sondra Ray’s books how to write affirmations, although slightly dated, as they are from the 1970’s. Think about it, our negative thoughts are merely negative affirmations we repeat. What if we were to swap them out for good?
Beautiful script writing.
I particularly like Emile Coue’s simple affirmative sentence – “Every day in every way I am getting better and better.” Write and say it out loud and with conviction 20 times a day for 31 days for an experiment. Let us know how it works.
Many a novel takes us on a journey of enquiry, curiosity and fulfilment. For some it may be the Bible or Kabala, or something in a fictional book we can connect with. A personal hero of mine is Rachel Naomi Remen; her books are full of stories that heal (see resources). I also enjoy fantasy novels as usually it involves the underdog rising up and completing a quest, involving their personal growth and triumph for the good guys.
A book brings the world into your life.
We are so lucky to have access to the written word, whether it is on paper or in our kindle; your local library is full of them, so join up for free. While there you might even look around for a book club to join and discuss the emotional journey an author has taken you on.
Personal blogs are like online diaries, which offer a form of connection. There are blogs on every interest out there – cooking, parenting, fitness, fishing, you name it. Often people can authentically share their perils and success in an honest and intimate manner. Google and find your online community.
Meditation
Naturally I must mention meditation as a means of spiritual nourishment. Eastern traditions have been using meditation for many centuries both sitting still and in the form of movement. Mindfulness meditation in particular has been taken up by mental health professionals. You can find many groups, self help books and online forums, to access mindful meditation. (See the resources section).
Yoga, Tai Chi and martial arts offer some form of spiritual practice to explore, as well as the added benefit of physical movement in a group environment.
Yoga and Meditation are powerful healing methods from the East.
If you want to go for an intensive and have 10 days spare, then I would suggest a vipassana retreat, The word vipassana means “ to see things as they really are” and help you to a greater self understanding and reboot your emotions and priorities. I attended the International Centre for Mediation in Morisset, a Buddhist group from the Burmese tradition headed by Mother Sayamagyi in her life. It was both challenging and divine and all for $50 a day with the healthiest and yummiest food. Yoga weekends away can be a wonderful escape and time out from the world.
Touch and Connection
We are tactile creatures; the touch of massage is supportively intimate with a trusted professional. It can put you in touch with your humanity. Both giving and receiving massage can bring connection and energy to one’s spirit. Many of us do not have another to caress or hold us; massage can give you a safe place to feel nurtured.
The safe touch of massage can be very beneficial. Combine with essential oils to fill your senses.
I hope you found some help and inspiration in reading this. You are certainly not alone and there is help out there. Please have the courage to reach out. I say this with a heavy heart as last week; dear friends of mine have lost their son to suicide and are heartbroken and devastated. Get help and this too shall pass.
With love, light, hugs and healing,
Philipa Thornton.
Recommended Resources
Here is some helpful information to links for practical support, which I have found to be both ersonally and professionally beneficial. Of course I would love to hear from you if you found something useful, please add your own suggestions and comments you found helpful below. I will personally respond.
Happy Parts, Happy Self. 3 Steps to Like Yourself. Gordon Emmerson PhD.
Head Space
Headspace is the National Youth Mental Health Foundation providing early intervention mental health services to 12-25 year olds, along with assistance in promoting young peoples’ wellbeing. This covers four core areas: mental health, physical health, work and study support and alcohol and other drug services.
Information and services for young people, their families and friends as well as health professionals can be accessed through this website, headspace centres, online counselling service eheadspace, the Digital Work and Study Service and postvention suicide support program headspace School Support.
HealthyPlace.com is the largest consumer mental health site, providing trusted information on mental health disorders and psychiatric medications from both a consumer and expert point of view. We have online psychological tests, breaking mental health news, mental health videos, and unique tools like our “mood journal” and more. We’re glad you found us. Visit the website Healthy Place.
Ted Talks (Utube)
Ted Talks offer you an amazing place to access free educational and inspirational material starting at five minutes to view. Please find your interests here TED: Ideas worth spreading
Fine examples:
Depression, the secret we share, Andrew Solomon.
This is an excellent informational source and heartfelt personal experience of Andrews journey into depression land.
Yes you read that correctly and there is science to back up the benefits. Here is what their website says “Laughter Yoga Australia is a Social Enterprise, dedicated to providing health and wellbeing programs to organisations that are serious about the care of their staff and clients.” Click this link to visit Yoga Laughter.
A huge selection to choose from. I personally like Michael Sealey’s voice and others (find one you like) have great free mindfulness and hypnosis resources available to help.
Here is Michael Sealey’s Depression Relief Hypnosis & Meditation for 10 Days:
I would personally love to hear from you, what you have found helpful in boosting your self esteem, so please drop me a comment section below. I will respond, Thank you and I hope this helps. Please share too.
We are super excited – Marriage Works is expanding with the talents of Rachele Davis coming on board. She starts 28th July so hurry to book as she has limited availabity and we certainly don’t want you to miss out. Rachele is seeing Individuals only at this stage.
Celebrate with a bugle for Rachele!
Rachele has a wide variety of experience working with clients in her career already. We feel so lucky to have a provisional psychologist with access to the latest therapy innovations joining us in Randwick.
You are getting a fresh face as Rachele heads towards completing her psychological registration with the College of Professional Psychology.
This means Rachele graduated from the University of Wollongong in 2014 with a Bachelor of Arts (Psychology Honors), with a major in Psychology and minor in Philosophy. Rachele is a dedicated and skilled therapist, she completed her Clinical Resource Therapist qualification in 2016 with the Resource Therapy Institute of Australia.
Her skills include working across the lifespan with children, adults and families. Rachele wants you to know she work from a strengths-based frame work with a client centered approach. Since provisional registration she has gained experience working with physical/intellectual disabilities, a range of mood related and developmental disorders, anxiety related disorders and personality disorders. Rachele’s therapeutic toolkit includes Resource Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Motivational Interviewing and Solution Focused Therapy.
Rachele’s specialty areas of interest
include working with those of you who have phobias – fear of flying, addictions, social phobia, agoraphobia anxiety, depression, trauma and stress-related difficulties.
Don’t let fear of flying keep you grounded!
Rachele is available on Fridays for individual adult appointments in Randwick.
You will also benefit from a special session rate. Please enquire with me Philipa 0434 559011. Book early to get your preferred time, as she has limitd appointment slots.
