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The Last Resort Technique

Last updated on September 26th, 2019 at 09:17 am

The Last Resort Technique from the book, The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis, adapted by Philipa Thornton.

Last Resort and Hope for your partnership.
Last Resort and Hope for your partnership.

When your partner has dropped the proverbial bombshell, “I want a divorce,” you need to move past the devastation into action after the shell shock is over. The Last Resort Technique has been developed by Dovirce Busting amazon Michele Weiner-Davis to save your marriage, your sanity, or both.

If you are at the place where you have got nothing to lose, then give it a go. If your friend is sharing their sadness and hopelessness with you and needs help with their marriage, please pass this relationship advice on.

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Caring is sharing! Please pass on to folks who need this important information

The Last Resort Technique

OK, so you have tried everything, exhausted all your options, and feel hopeless and even helpless. Now it is time to use the Last Resort Technique to save your marriage. This relationship boot camp comes with a warning – this is a LAST RESORT.

This needs to start immediately if:

  • Your spouse has said in no uncertain terms that they want a divorce and it feels like they mean it. (This can’t be empty words, spoken in anger during a fight.)
  • You and your spouse are living apart.
  • You and your spouse are in the same house but are like ships passing in the night with very little interaction. You may be in separate rooms, hardly speaking with little or no sexual contact.
  • You have the divorce papers in front of you.

Broken Heart mend it with counselling

Your marriage is at a crisis point. While divorce rates are high, there are relationships that can still survive this vulnerable time and you don’t have to be another statistic. Those rates don’t tell the story of all the many people who beat the odds.

Hold onto the hope I give you here, please!

Hold onto the Hope and take real action!
Hold onto the Hope and take real action!

While no technique is guaranteed to work, there is always some benefit to taking positive action. It’s definitely worth a crack!

I have worked with many clients who were on the brink or in the trauma of an affair. Usually, only one partner is in favour of a divorce and the other spouse who made the call to me is the one who desperately wants to stay together.

If you happen to be the spouse who is keen on holding onto your marriage, it is highly probable that you are not in your usual state of mind and are acting in desperate ways. This very behaviour that you keep doing pushes your partner further away (you are aware of it, but can’t seem to help it!). You have chased, cajoled, reasoned, begged, pleaded, railed, guilt-tripped, and implored your partner to no avail.

No begging, pleading or cajoling.
No begging, pleading or cajoling.

All the phone calls, text messages, letters, emails, and heart and gut wrenching pleas have failed. You sense that your spouse is out the door and a part of you recognises the attempts are felt by him or her as pressure. They will dig their heels in insisting that the marriage is over, and this may prompt another wave of fear and you to chase even more.

It is the effects of this pursuing and chasing that are DEADLY to a marriage.

Blind Freddy can see this is not working. In fact, if you keep pushing your husband or wife, you will be driving them right out the door. As I said, there is a part of you that knows this. But this fearful, scared, vulnerable part of you is making the wrong decisions and making you appear completely desperate and unwelcoming.

Of course, you need to honor the fragile part of you that is in pain and wants to cling on. It is human nature – we all want to hold onto something that is important and dear to us. However, the flip side to our humanity and animal instinct is, the party being chased or even hunted down will feel the need to escape when you coerce or pressure in response to feeling trapped.

If you are truly serious about saving your marriage, you have to stop pursuing. Completely!

When you chase your partner, your partner will feel hunted and you become a point of danger on a primal level. What also happens is, the troubles in your failing marriage and eroding family get lost, as you become the vector for anger and hurt.

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Cheetah chasing down a gazelle for her dinner. Has this been you?

You see it – your spouse gets frustrated and angry, and the best way for them to deal with this annoyance is to get rid of it. This means their focus shifts to how they can get away from YOU! It is surprising but it is the reality, this will really connect with the part of you that can hear reason.

Indeed, your very persistence is robbing your spouse of valuable time to think about what else is really going on your life. People start to do an amazing reframe here and I often hear spouses wondering aloud with things like, “I am not sure I ever really loved him or her.” This is basically due to the suffocation the spouse feels. It becomes a survival issue and you are the danger they need to escape from.

When we are in survival mode, we will go into flight or fight mode. Usually, partners go into anger and aggressiveness (or worse, pity) towards their spouse as a distancing move and part of separating from the distressing situation. When this happens, the angry part blocks any other feelings, like sadness, grief, guilt, and remorse that might cause some reflection and actually help your cause.

With your mate staring angrily at you, what opportunity do they get to look in the mirror, reflect, and take some responsibility for your marital breakdown?

Option A – Keep doing what you are doing and get the same results.
Option B – Quit supplying you wife or husband with a reason to leave.

Oh if it were only that easy. I am asking you to stop doing the very thing that keeps the feeling of powerlessness and helplessness temporarily at bay. But you have to stop this harmful pattern today. I repeat – stop it now, right this very minute.

I am going to give you a specific guide how to stop the landslide of desolation in your marriage today.

Here is your action plan based on The Last Resort Technique:

1. STOP Chasing!

Immediately cease anything that your spouse might look at as pursuing behavior.

This means stopping anything that would be perceived by your spouse as your way of chasing him or her, such as:

  • Frequent phone calls, texts, or emails
  • Begging your spouse to reconsider
  • Describing all the good in your marriage
  • Writing letters
  • Following your mate around the house (or anywhere – this is stalking!)
  • Encouraging talk about the future
  • Asking for reassurances
  • Buying gifts or flowers
  • Planning holidays or trips away together
  • Trying to schedule dates together
  • Spying on your spouse, keeping tabs on their calls, movements, and work arrangements
  • Talking to friends and family about what to do

Stop saying “I love you.” This is essential.

It seems counter intuitive – “How will they know?” I get it, but even though this will be hard, know that every time you say “I love you,” your spouse is reminded that they don’t love you and will be looking the other way!

Scary huh? That is why it is imperative to silence the “I Love You’s”. You already feel how disheartening it is to hear their resigned response of “I know” or worse, still silence. Or the ouch that goes with “I love you, but I am not in love with you.” It hurts, doesn’t it? So, stop the chase.

2. Get a life.

What happens in a crisis like separation is, we become desperate, clingy, and depressed. You are in tears often, mope around sadly, lose interest in things you used to enjoy, and basically become lifeless as the fearful or rejected part of you shuts you down as a means to cope. Of course, it is normal to feel all those feelings and shut down or want to ease the hurt.

The loss of a loved one and witnessing the falling apart of your family are the most painful times you can ever experience. The separation anxiety and desperation are an ugly place to be in for both of you and for others to see. You will feel and look unattractive – not one of us will be at our best here.

Now, if your relationship has had the trauma of a full blown sexual affair or emotional infidelity, you are competing with not only the fantasy of an ideal life without problems but a person that is in the opposite space of distressed.

Hard to hear, but reality hurts and I say this to the part of you who knows how to pick yourself up after a fall and dust yourself off. Awareness helps and heals. 

Here you need to act as if you are moving forward in your life and getting on with it. Otherwise, you better quit now.

Of course, it may seem like I am suggesting an impossibility – get happy, be strong, get back into life, and develop your confidence. You are asking yourself, “How can I do this when I feel like crap, I can hardly function, it’s a miracle getting out of bed each day, and things are horrible at home?” Good question. Obviously, these are normal feelings and you are reacting as any normal person would in such devastating circumstances.

I want to ask you – Is that the core of you? The real you? Or the hurt, scared or angry part getting all the air time?

Because I believe that in the heart of you, your true essence, there is a trooper. That’s right! A part of you at the core can survive this – a part much stronger, mature, more confident, and wiser in dealing with tough situations.

Can I get you to take a moment to get in touch with that part of you right now?

Ask yourself (and you can even write this list down to remind yourself as you come home to yourself), “What was it about ME that my partner was attracted to in the first place?” Allow yourself to remember and really connect to those wonderful parts of yourself.

This is the person your partner fell in love with.

Each of those parts (for reference, please look up Official Resource Therapy Institute for a full description) on your list are valued by your partner but have been sidelined by the hurt and angry parts, whose job is to defend you from attack and the absolute hell you are going through now. Please allow those parts some more air time and a chat with the part of you that is angry, scared, and hurt to negotiate a better way forward.

You are in danger when acting in the victim role of getting typecast and truly become the martyr. Reclaim your life today by reconnecting with your whole self.

Starting Today:

  • Immediately start doing things that are out of character to the way you have been acting lately. Move beyond helplessness into action and power.
  • Allow your mood to be more upbeat in your spouse’s presence.
  • Appear pleased with yourself and your own life.
  • On phone conversations, sound content, even bubbly. Don’t sit around waiting for your spouse to call. Get out and do things. Start a new hobby – rock-climbing, tango dancing, needlepoint, ice-skating, and movies. Get busy.
  • Start to be unpredictable. Let calls go to voicemail. If you’ve always tried to engage your partner in conversation when they call, visit, or go home, be scarce and short on words.
  • Take up opportunities offered by your partner for family time, gracefully, with no expectation of any further.
  • If you were in the habit of being detective and grilling your spouse about their whereabouts, ask nothing. Simply wish your partner a good time.

In short, you need to make your partner think you have had an AWAKENING and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

This doesn’t mean you are nasty, angry, or even cold. It is simply a case of pulling back and waiting to see if your spouse notices and, more importantly, realises what they will be missing.
Be warm and friendly.

Remember this point: Backing off increases your chances of your spouse becoming more interested in you, if you back off and start doing your own thing.

Another important reason for “getting a life” is, you have stopped having fun and doing things that give you pleasure. At times, we all need to be reminded to find out what makes us feel good in a healthy, respectful way. Find your joy!

Taking care of yourself is one of the best things you can do for yourself and your relationships. Focus on becoming a better person.

Go back to old interests, church, synagogue, or the library. Join a new class at the community college. Play an instrument or get lessons. Contact some old friends, pick up the phone, and connect. Visit a family member. Rise at dawn, go for a walk, and watch the sunset. Read poetry, listen to music, play golf, go fishing, camping, running, or star gazing. Join a meet up group, go walking, cycling, get a massage, a haircut, find a personal trainer, and get therapy for support.

Do things that will help you get back in touch with yourself, not just because your spouse might like you more if you do (in fact people have a weird sixth sense when things are not genuine) but because it is important to honour, value, and love yourself in a caring healthy and nurturing manner.

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Love yourself well. Rediscover your passions.

You DESERVE it. I know you are worth it.

3. Wait and Watch

According to Michele Weiner-Davis, one of three things will happen when you use her Last Resort Technique:

First, Nothing.

Unfortunately, there are times when the universe just says no and, no matter what you do, your spouse has shut the door on your marriage. It needs to be said that there is no magic bullet. Sometimes, life is just really unfair and we don’t get the things we most want.

Despite not having been able to save your marriage, there will be a secondary gain from applying the Last Resort in your life – you will have recovered yourself and your emotional well-being. At the very least, you will have gotten back your DIGNITY. Step 2 gives you a plan of action and the part that feels lost and out of control will benefit.

Your self-worth will be in a much better place, allowing you to feel more prepared to take on whatever comes your way. A good point to take on even though it is not easy to hear.

Michele also notes two other responses you might see in your spouse:

The second possible response from your mate is, they become curious.

They might start showing more interest in you, your whereabouts, and what you are doing in your life. Your husband or wife may even suggest that you spend more time together to talk or do something enjoyable. They may also start asking you a lot of questions about these sudden changes.

Listen up: Here’s Michele’s advice if any of these begin to happen:

  • Be loving in return, but not overly excited or enthusiastic.
  • Accept some invitations to spend time together, but not all.
  • Accept all Family time invites. Your spouse seeing you having fun with your kids together reminds them of the value of family.
  • Do not ask any questions about your future together.
  • Be vague when asked questions about the changes in you. Say that you are just thinking things through. Live the shift.
  • Continue to be upbeat.
  • Do not say, “I love you.”
  • Resist getting in the conversation about your relationship.
  • Get a head start and beat your spouse to the punch when it comes time to leave or separate from each other at the end of an activity. You set the tone for going your separate ways.
  • As a rule of thumb, be responsive to your partner’s interest but not too responsive. Going overboard will lead your partner to get cold feet. Be warned.

So, stay interested, but cool, until you are absolutely convinced that your partner’s renewed interest in saving your marriage has taken hold.

If you are excited about this technique and it is working for you, share it with a friend or write it down, add your comments to the blog, but don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. Tell us here, we would love to hear from you.

Once you feel absolutely sure this is so, you can test the waters by becoming more obvious about your desire to stay together. Patience wins out.

Try discussing your future and see what happens.

If your partner is receptive, move forward slowly and begin to tackle the issues that drove you apart in the first place.

If on the flip side you are met with any resistance or reluctance, do a reverse and backpedal quick smart.

Go back to your interested but distant stance until things move forward in a more positive direction. This may take a whole lot longer than you would like – weeks or many months.

You must be patient. Wait until your spouse appears to be a little interested rather than pulling away – you will know when it’s real. While it is tough for the marriage (and you!) to be in this holding pattern, it’s ok. Trying to save your marriage is the most important thing that is happening in your life right now.

Be compassionate and hold onto yourself, even when the scared part of you wants you to act out or the excited part wants to whoop for joy.

The third possibility is probably the least likely, but these outcomes do on occasion happen: The overnight change of heart by your spouse. 

They might lose all thoughts of divorce and jump right back into the relationship as if nothing has happened. While rare, this DOES happen.

Michele gives some great advice:

  • Don’t move too quickly. I liken it to the Latin adage, festina lente, which means “to make haste slowly”.
  • It is vital for you to pace yourself. If you act as if nothing happened between the two of you, then it is only a matter of time before your spouse will have second thoughts about his or her decision.
  • You didn’t get into the place of relationship breakdown overnight. Much as you would like to forget that it ever happened, you won’t get back on track overnight.
  • If you’re separated, don’t jump right back into being together.
  • Once you have your partner’s attention and you sense a real commitment to working things out, you will need to take further steps toward making your marriage a healthier and happier place.

I would suggest The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis, where the Last Resort Technique has been adapted for this article. Truly great advice from couples expert Michele of www.divorcebusting.com.

Therapy helps you to heal both the wounds of the separation and the causes of what has lead up to it.

Find a marriage-friendly health professional to help coach you into the next level of intimacy. Couples Therapy can really fast track healing and growth opportunities.

A word of caution about sex: Have it! We are only talking about sexual encounters that are  initiated by your spouse. Enjoy the moment. With a sexual connection, our bonding hormones are released – oxytocin. Use it.

*Warning! Please do not read anything more into your intimate moment than a happy event. Do not go overboard or start laying down expectations about your partner. Keep doing the Last Resort.

Good luck and it’s not over till it’s over!

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We are here for you buddy..

We welcome your comments and experiences. Please share here, you are not alone. I personally answer every comment received and there is over 1000 folks experiences on applying the Last Resort here on the Blog

Thank you!

1,297 thoughts on “The Last Resort Technique”

  1. Hi Philipa,
    My husband and I have been in a marital crisis for over two years. One day he told me he loved me but he wasn’t in love with me, and he stopped being intimate with me. I knew I had contributed a lot to his feelings ( I had been overly critical of our relationship and him, and had not been grateful enough when he had attempted to please me, so he stopped trying) and I wanted to change myself and save our marriage. Having two kids (15 and 12) together I wanted us to be a good model for them. However, even though I tried hard to make things better, he never wanted to help me because he seemed to be convinced that we were not meant for each other. Many times I got frustrated and told him to leave if he wasn’t willing to help me fix our relationship, only to beg him later to stay and give me a chance. I read lots of books, blogs, and knew I was making the mistake of pursuing him, but I couldn’t help myself. My patience never lasted long enough and he invariably rejected me over and over. I just finished an online program whose aim is for women to improve their relationship without their husbands’ help. I was taught many techniques to feel attractive and gain self-esteem and it has worked up to a certain point. However, when it was time to engage my husband in the process, he was still not willing to do so. My coach said she didn’t understand his attitude, because men who are not having an affair and see positive changes in their wives, will try to work on the relationship they have. She told me that if he didn’t want to meet my emotional and physical needs (which I had expressed to him politely), I had to make a decision. It had been too long since I was in limbo and I had suffered far too much. I thought the most dignifying decision to make was to ask him to go (this time for real), so I gave him two months to find a place of his own and told him we’d need to see a lawyer before we separated. He recognized it was sad that we had to part ways, especially for the children, but he didn’t know if his feelings for me could change. Now I have decided to apply the last resort technique suggested by Michele Weiner Davis. I need to be very firm, move on with my life, and never pursue him again. I am also reading books on getting over a breakup, which are helping me stay strong. I only told him of my decision a few days ago, so I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I want to show him that I respect myself and that I can live without him. It would be great if we would come back to me, but if not, I hope to learn to be strong and have a positive attitude.
    I appreciate any comments or suggestions you might have.
    Thanks,
    Olmeda

    1. Hi Olmeda,
      thanks for writing in. Glad you have found the LRT. Reading your email it sounds like there has been a lot of pressure in the relationship. So sorry to hear this. It’s pretty tricky when there’s been criticism and the ups and downs you mention.

      Olmeda, you are on the right track here by stopping any pursuit and getting your life and self back.
      When you make a decision like that it has to be from your heart. Where you feel you are choosing to do this for you, and letting go of the outcome.
      That takes real inner strength, so best of luck. Hope for the best and carry on regardless.
      Take care xox

  2. My husband of years has been unkind to me for at least two and doesn’t consider the impact it has had on my mental health.

    I changed the front door lock after one incident and he stayed elsewhere- then within a week he has found a rental and taken almost everything from our home.

    It has been four weeks, I’ve already done all the begging, harmed myself and everything this article says not to do.

    I desperately want him home and I can’t believe he has given up so easily.
    I’m finding it hard to look after or even love myself when I feel so empty.

    1. Oh dear lost and lonely,
      there sounds like there have been a lot of issues is there. If he has been unkind for two years and not considered the impact on your mental health, perhaps your mental health may improve.

      What small steps can you begin to look after yourself? I think you need personal support on the ground that would be helpful. Who is in your friendship network with whom you connect with, is there family support for you? Can you find a therapist where you are?
      Focus on all the Steps of the LRT so that you can rebuild, and reinvent yourself.
      all the best Philipa xox

  3. Dear Philipa,

    I have been married to my husband for 11 years, together for 16 years. We have a 13-year-old son. I would say that we’ve had a particularly healthy and mutually supportive relationship. I’ve always considered my marriage one of the strongest. In one instant everything collapsed. One year ago my husband told me he wasn’t happy any longer and wasn’t sure he wanted to work on the marriage. We have since learned that he is the pursuer in the relationship and I have traditionally been the withdrawer. I was so shocked and saddened to learn that I had been misinterpreting his attempts at connection. He often felt that I was emotionally/sexually unreachable and that made him feel incredibly lonely. When his attempts at connection aren’t met, he amplifies his effort and he tends to overwhelm me with his sex drive and need for affection. That said, we’ve certainly had a wonderful sex life, a rich family life, and a deep friendship. After 5 months of me begging, pleading, and learning everything I could about attachment theory, we reunited. The last 6 months have been incredible. We used tools we learned in intensive couples therapy and reestablished a strong connection. He gave me a new wedding ring, we spent lots of time talking, having dates, and articulating our appreciation for each other. And then we came to a bump in the road 4 weeks ago. The Covid-19 lockdown overwhelmed me and I turned my attention away from my husband and towards self-care (baths, naps, foreign films. etc). He interpreted this as me withdrawing from him. It triggered a deep, old loneliness in him, and in an instant he announced that he needs a divorce. Immediately. We told our son within 1.5 weeks and were speaking with a divorce attorney within 2 weeks. I’m shocked and overwhelmed by his sudden change. And this week I’ve actively adopted the LRT. My question is – how do I act when he wants to talk to me about the steps we must take to proceed with the divorce? Do I act friendly and cheerful about these heavy topics? Do I reiterate that I do not want a divorce and would very much like to work on our relationship skills before we end it? Do I just cheerily go along with everything he is asking for so that I can move out and settle our affairs? Or do I ask for him to slow down? I’m just not clear on how LRT works when discussing divorce logistics with your partner. Any advice would be helpful. Thank you so much for your time.

    1. Dear Rebecca,
      oh boy so sorry to here that. From my reading you guys did a lot of great work to turn things around.

      These patterns take vigilance as we fall back into our old behaviors. In my experience too unless we work and resolve the underlying parts involved – our younger selves it will repeat.

      Your insights are spot on, painful I am sure for the turnabout. When we are the withdrawers it can take a bit for us to notice our partner’s angst.

      Given this pattern, and you are the withdrawer, you may need to adopt a modified version of the LRT.

      Rebecca, things are moving really quickly. I would hope there would be scope to slow things down. I think there may be goodwill enough to have that happen.

      What I would suggest is that you offer deep acknowledgment, empathy, and emotional connection. Which given where things are up are going to be pretty challenging. If you can be with his upset and distress and hang in there without withdrawing and defending I wonder what might be possible?

      I wouldn’t over apologize, I am sure you have said sorry. Let your actions shine through. Turning up being present and really listening to him with deep empathy. Please use mirroring and validation. And all the patience you have.

      Please look up Imago listening techniques on the blog and google for more in-depth information.

      Take care Rebecca and let us know how you go. xox

  4. Hi Philipa,
    My husband and I have been in a marital crisis for over two years. One day he told me he loved me but he wasn’t in love with me, and he stopped being intimate with me. I knew I had contributed a lot to his feelings ( I had been overly critical of our relationship and him, and had not been grateful enough when he had attempted to please me, so he stopped trying) and I wanted to change myself and save our marriage. Having two kids together, I wanted us to be a good model for them. However, even though I tried hard to make things better, he never wanted to help me because he seemed to be convinced that we were not meant for each other. Many times I got frustrated and told him to leave if he wasn’t willing to help me fix our relationship, only to beg him later to stay and give me a chance. I read lots of books, and blogs, and knew I was making the mistake of pursuing him, but I couldn’t help myself. My patience never lasted long enough and he invariably rejected me over and over. I just finished an online program whose aim is for women to improve their relationship without their husbands’ help. I was taught many techniques to feel attractive and gain self-esteem and it has worked up to a certain point. However, when it was time to engage my husband in the process, he was still not willing to do so. My coach said she didn’t understand his attitude, because men who are not in an affair and see positive changes in their wives, will try to work on the relationship they have. She told me that if he didn’t want to meet my emotional and physical needs (which I had expressed to him politely), I had to make a decision. It had been too long since I was in limbo and I had suffered far too much. I thought the most dignifying decision to make was to ask him to go (this time for real), so I gave him two months to find a place of his own. I also told him that we’d need to see a lawyer before we separated. He recognized it was sad that we had to part ways, especially for the children, but he didn’t know if his feelings for me could change. Now I have decided to apply the last resort technique suggested by Michele Weiner Davis. I need to be very firm, move on with my life, and never pursue him again. I am also reading books on getting over a breakup, which are helping me stay strong. I only told him of my decision last week, so I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I want to show him that I respect myself and that I can live without him. It would be great if he would reconsider, but if not, I hope to learn to be strong and have a positive attitude.
    By the way, Philipa, our 20th wedding anniversary is July 15, two weeks before he’s supposed to move out. I know I need to have no expectations, but when should I schedule (if you think I should) an appointment with a lawyer? Also, if he does move out (as you see, I never lose hope), what kind of contact you suggest that we have? In the past, he had talked about coming home some evenings to be with the kids and having dinner together, but perhaps that would be not very different to what we are doing now. The difference would be he’d be sleeping in another place instead of in our home office. What do you think?

    Thank you so much for any advice you might have.

    All the best,
    Olmeda

    1. Dear Olmeda,
      your relationship has been in crisis for a long time. Sorry to hear that.
      You are doing the right thing in that you are focusing on what you can change, which is you. Well done. I read you are taking active steps in your self-development.

      I am a bit confused reading your email when you say I should have no expectations and then ask when I should schedule a lawyer.

      From the Last Resort perspective we do not take these steps until we have really applied Step 3 Waiting.

      It takes time for your spouse to witness your shifts. This is key they get to see your good self, not your saying things. I hope that makes sense. What I mean here is you lead with actions not words.

      I think it’s really important to follow steps 1 & 2 to help you learn to be with yourself in a positive way regardless of the outcome.

      Please read through the blog as you will find lots of helpful advice and know you are not alone. Apply what you think will assist you in repairing your self-esteem.

      Family time is super important. I am sensing you have taken the lead here, so maybe allow him to step up on that front.

      What is your plan if he just doesn’t move out? There seems to be a bit of ostrich in the sand going on.

      We certainly don’t want to give any ultimatums. Wishing you the best of luck moving forward here.

      Thinking of you on your anniversary too. These can be tough times, so go gently with yourself Olmeda xox
      Take care and let us know your progress xox

  5. My wife of nearly 2 years left me 3 weeks ago.
    Our marriage seemed great until February where she told me she was unhappy and unsure why. She had just turned 30. She tried to kiss a coworker while we were all out for drink then apologized to be and cut off communication.
    She then started texting a mich older man 15k times in a month, I considered it an emotional affair and we fought. She decided she didn’t want to work on the marriage and after a few weeks of tensions and fights, she moved out.
    She has signed a year lease and already made a large purchase (washer dryer). She told me the separation is permanent and we signed an agreement before her leaving. She has reached out a few times since – once to ask how I was doing and we talked briefly and she reiterated that she’s not coming back. Then texted me about a mundane thing she forgot and could replace and yesterday made an excuse to call and ask how I was and what was I doing. I told her we’re not in that place anymore.

    Basically, she believes she wasn’t ready for marriage, told me she hasn’t been in love with me since we got married, and may never be ready for marriage

    Do I have any chance? I’m trying to stay aloof and not engage with her, while going out and enjoying my life, but finding it difficult as all I want is to fix our marriage. I know I pushed her away at the end by trying too hard.

    1. Dear Richard,
      super hard to have so much happen so quickly.

      Yes, the LRT will at least give you your dignity back. Tough as it is, it is good to accept a person is where they are at and what they are saying.

      You know possibly from experience trying to change someone’s mind when they are set on a particular course is nigh impossible. And heartbreaking. So use the LRT method to stop this cycle if it’s been happening.

      The LRT is not so much about being aloof.

      It is about being present to yourself and partner in a new way. Showing you are warm kind and caring but also believing where they are at and making your own way forward for now.

      This is achieved best with actions, not words.
      You get a new haircut and start doing exercise, things that make you feel better. Try harder with yourself possibly.

      People can do a reframe of I never loved you. It’s not worth arguing that point and not Step 1 – Stop Chasing.

      Step 2 will be great and a shift in your patterning perhaps? An opportunity for a new you and a reset.

      Yes, I would say you have a chance but you will need to commit to the LRT and following it’s course. Step 3 is patience.

      Keep us up to date with your progress.
      Take care xox PHilipa

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