How not to turn people off.

Warren Buffet – is esteemed in the US and beyond. He’s made a motza on the share market and in business through canny deals. Yet he’s still living in a modest house with his wife of many years. Mr Buffet has earned wisdom and gravitas in his 80 odd years on the planet and in the Share Market.

On an interview Tom Popomarinos ( a big deal in commerce and industry in Baltimore) wrote in CNBC.com “Warren Buffet…This is what ‘sets apart a big winner from the rest of the pack.’ And I want share here those insights.

Wisdom though earned experience elephant-2992767_1920
Wisdom though earned experience

Tom’s summary :

“The big takeaway here is that if you want to be the person who is successful, who everyone wants to hire, you need to build habits of integrity.

There are a handful of ways to do that:

  • Fulfill your promises
  • Be honest
  • Be trustworthy
  • Give credit where credit is due
  • Be mindful and emotionally intuitive
  • Manifest humility
  • Be willing to admit you’re wrong
  • Offer help when it’s needed
  • Treat others with respect
  • Be charitable
  • Be patient

Intelligence and ambition are valuable traits, but even so, a lack of integrity won’t make you stand apart from the others — nor will it get you hired, at least not by Buffett.”

The above traits will make you a decent partner.

What turns people off

When you don’t keep your word. Make promises and fail to follow up. You give excuses or justifications for why. Yes, buts.. are a classic sign.

Live with integrity be good the whole way through
Live with integrity be good the whole way through

You act for yourself. You are inconsistent and unreliable. You talk big and act small. You are mean spirited unkind. Criticism. Anger. Attack the person, not the problem. Brag. You get the picture here.

I thought Warren’s advice applies equally to relationships. Wisdom trumps.

Play with love!
Wisdom though earned experience elephant-2992767_1920 tic-tac-toe-1777859_1920

What the Habits of Relationship Winner with Integrity Looks like:

  • Follow Through
  • Live in Truth
  • Show Appreciation to your Mate
  • Be humble
  • Stay Grounded
  • Show Emotional Maturity
  • Be accountable
  • Take Ownership of your part
  • Slow down
  • Live Respectfully
  • Have Faith and Charity
  • Be Helpful

I imagine you would be a ‘winner’ in the partnership stakes and in high demand. Your team – your spouse, your children would be seeing you as a leader and a valuable asset to turn to.

Image by Christine Sponchia from Pixabay Togetherness
Togetherness Image by Christine Sponchia from Pixabay

Challenge: Choose one on the list you’d like to improve and build upon. Do your best! Here I am on Marriage Works You Tube thansk!

Please let us know your thoughts, reactions in the comment box below. I will personally respond. Thank you !

Relationship Enhancing in July Marriage Works Monthly Challenge

Hello all welcome to July ! I hope your June for Joy went well. Please let me know what inspired you. This month we are focusing on supporting you and your relationship.

As we are in winter it is easy to get S>A>D. SAD is a real condition called Seasonal Affective Disorder. Yes the weather can affect our moods. Of course it’s pretty normal to slow down in winter, however if you are feeling really, really bleak it might be a touch of SAD.

SAD has the same symptoms as depression – hopelessness, low in energy, irritable, slowed cognition, feeling weighted down, turning to carbs for that fix, wanting to sleep more than usual and large weight changes.

Sunlight is a natural cure for S.A.D - get some today if you can!
Sunlight is a natural cure for S.A.D – get some today if you can!

The theory is low levels of sunlight are not getting through to our hypothalamus. We need sunlight for our sleep wake cycle which relies on the hormone melatonin. Getting out into the sun is how this happens. So go out in the day and get your vitamin D for free!

Here is me on Youtube

https://youtu.be/fRmRDM0GZTo

Couple Coaching Helps -Don’t Leave It Too Late!

The best thing you can do for your relationship health and well being is to come in early. Relationships can be repaired. It is so much easier and quicker to learn new ways or communicating and relating before hard core patterns of hurt set in. Waiting for change won’t work and the alternative where there is a breakdown or a crisis like an affair will double or even treble the time, energy and money you will have to channel into your couple therapy.

Not only does all the research confirm this commonsense tells you the truth here. Come in before your spouse says they don’t love you or it’s over.

Why wait for that pain?

Perhaps you have already heard those words. Come in and improve your partnership today I have a quick 4 minute video here encouraging you to take action and save yourself heartache and pain plus money !

Make the call today – take action!

You want this to be a beautiful version of your future – look at this couple.

Live in love together to a ripe age and stage having fun in your marriage.
Live in love together to a ripe age and stage having fun in your marriage.

Zero Negativity! Your May Monthly Relationship Challenge

Welcome to May! Here in Sydney it’s Autumn and the darkness comes early. We’ve been blessed with lovely weather and sunny days as we have had Easter and Anzac Day to honour our war veterans.

May in Sydney from Marriage Works

This month I have been inspired to offer you the opportunity to say no to negativity in your relationship. As John Gottman -a legend in marital research and divorce saving techniques rightly points out criticism is toxic in partnershps and they believe it takes a 5:1 ratio of good comments to over come one negative one.

Make it Zero Negativity in your partnership for the month of May!

So give yourself a break and make it Zero! If you find yourself complaining remind yourself of what you are truly grateful in your marriage. For me I look at Chris and I feel gratitude at having a life companion, someone I enjoy spending time with. He’s a good kind husband.

So take the month of May Relationship Challenge and join me for Zero Negativity and increased positivity!

Love to hear your thoughts, ask your partner to join you or be a solo leader in deed. Please pass on the help by sharing.

Happy couple sharing their love and joy!

Here is my YouTube video for May :

https://youtu.be/wNp9eHZZmh

Why Worry? And What You Can Do about it…

As conscious beings with active minds we tend to think a good deal. Sometimes that thinking becomes excessive or obsessive – we worry. These are the what if’s. If onlys. You know those thoughts that just won’t quit. Worry.

Stress can overwhelm us and keep us stuck
Stress can overwhelm us and keep us stuck

Worrying a touch is normal in fact it can even motivate us to learn or keep us safe. It can act as a protective mechanism. We would have needed it for our survival once upon a time.

It’s when the worry has you trapped in a vicious cycle of procrastination, or frozen that it becomes annoying. I know I live with a certain amount of worry – I know it’s a good part of me trying to help and usually letting me know there is a need of mine not being met. A need to feel safe, be known or to be free.

Don't let our evolution eat us up. Learn Resource Therapy's powerful parts negotiation for changing anxiety.
Don’t let our evolution eat us up. Learn Resource Therapy’s powerful parts negotiation for changing anxiety.

Worry is at it’s heart anxiety provoking – we are living in an anxious world. A parents this is heightened with all potential threats out there – yet we must allow our children to breathe, learn explore and gain their confidence over time with our trust in them and ourselves.

We don’t want our kids ot be victims of worry. In The Heart of Man Dr Eric Fromm tells how a mothers conceren with only predicting negative outcomes for her child’s future and not noticing their success, he says ” She does not harm the child in any obvious way, yet she may slowly strangle his joy in life.”

Love is relaxed

Of course any caregiver could be substituted there. We must not smother our child’s natural growth.

Luckily treatment is available. Therapy is always a good option to deal with this part of you that may have been on duty for a long time. Resource Therapy has powerful techniques that work directly with this part to tap into it’s usefulness and find an alternative.

The good thing about therapy is it doesn’t have any medical side effects. As we know the antidote to anxiety is to take action. Say yes today!


Say yes to being anxiety free today!

What are you going to say Yes to?

Hello and welcome to April, we here in Australia are starting to notice it’s darker earlier and the sun rises later for our autumn. In Japan it’s spring time the magical bursting forth of sakura -cherry blossoms.

Sakura - cherry blossoms open and say yes to the bees to bear fruit
Sakura – cherry blossoms open and say yes to the bees to bear fruit

This month I am inspired by the movie starring Jim Carey – The Yes Man. Jim plays a negative nelson saying no to everything. He has an awakening at a self help seminar and starts saying yes a 100 percent of the time. He gets a promotion, he gets the girl and we get some laughs along the way.

So I want to challenge you to say YES! With enthusiasm, and guilt free. The only proviso is it must do no harm to either yourself or your loved ones. I know you know what I mean. Act out of your integrity and values. We know from the tons of research out there in positive psychology having a positive mental attitude allows us to be bold and blossom like the cherry blooms.

Not the autumn hues of Sydney
Not the autumn hues of Sydney!

So the monthly April challenge is for you to say Yes and apply this yes in your relationships.

So if your spouse asks you to clear the table, you say Yes wholeheartedly and do it. This will be especially powerful if you say yes and have taken a while to follow through in the past.

If your partner wants intimacy – respond affirmatively bring in enthusiasm and gain stress relief and aliveness in your marriage.

When your children ask for help on their homework respond with yes and go straight to their side. No excuses really show up. You don’t need to know exactly what to do but be present and work together. Valuable.

With the Yes you have to make the action to back yourself up.

Join us in the Monthly Challenge – begin with your first Yes today.

Love to hear your experience, ideas and feedback on your progress, I will check in.

Please leave a comment and why not share this with your partner or a friend.

Say Yes, take Action and Smile While Doing!
Say Yes, take Action and Smile While Doing!


How did your 5 Love Language skills improve?

Hi there Philipa here, as the March monthly challenge nears to an end I wanted to check in. Recall I encouraged you to learn your partners connection vocabulary? The goal was to discover their two favourite dialects and speak their mother tongue.

I have been both slack and had the opportunity. Chris’s birthday is in March. He got the presents he asked for and more. I know he loves receiving a birthday card – in the mail. So I made sure I posted it in time for him to get to the letterbox. I spoke gifting.

He was great in that he told me what he wanted. You can’t expect your partner to read your mind. That’s a total set-up for let down. He let me know in advance what gifts he wanted, where he wanted to celebrate and even the cake he wanted. He is a darling! I talked actions of service and gifting.

I spoke to Chris using his vernacular Love for his birthday!
I spoke to Chris using his vernacular Love for his birthday!

His other language words of affirmation I was not so great on. Writing this column reminds me.

A quick reminder of the 5 Love actions:

Words of Affirmation.

Acts of Service

Gifts

Physical Touch

Quality Time

Show your partner your love
Show your partner your love

Love to hear how your Love patter went with your partner. Did you notice your spouse responding? Perhaps it felt good to give? Comment below and I will respond. Thanks for taking the time to read. Philipa

March 1st – Use these 5 inspirations for a Sparkling Month!

Have you ever felt stuck in a rut? Your alarm propels you out of bed at 6.30, you jump in the shower and get dressed then head off to work. You peck your partners cheek running to catch the bus. It’s still dark, autumn is looming.

Routine equates to boredom and this is no where more evident than in a relationship. We are beings who are drawn to novelty – evidence suggests that’s how affairs can start.

How would it be to bring back that spark of joy from the early days of your partnership? Remember the times you spent having fun and sharing the adventure of each other.

Be a winner in your relationship with your heartfelt gift.

And the first day of March is a fine day to do it! Of course any day that brings you and your spouse closer by your actions is a winner!

Recall Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages:

Words of Affirmation. Use your words to build your partner up. Praise them for being them. Here’s my suggestion : I admire you…. add your insider knowledge of your partner’s special talents and thought actions. Verbalize ( text is OK for now but I want you to repeat it in face to face) your magical feelings for both you and your partners benefit.

Gifts. A well chosen gift can be super touching to your mate. It shows you know them intimately and you were thinking of her or him. Watch the ahh in your partners face. Again it’s a win/ win for your connection. Flowers are the fallback here. This love language is related back to our hunter gatherer days.

Acts of Service.Doing something for your spouse that you know they will truly resonate with. Guys for a lot of women that is going to be you bringing in the laundry, jumping up to clear the table, getting in the laundry and washing dishes. Oh how I adore Chris for slaying those dust bunnies with Rowenta our French vacuum cleaner. When I come home I feel a sense peace has been restored in my world, thanks to my thoughtful husband. Aaahhh. Smiley Face.

Quality Time. Focus your love spotlight on your lover! Turn the TV off, phones on silent and check in to your other half. Look them in the eye, ask them how their day was and let them see you lean in to be super present. A tiny 15 minute investment will pay massive dividends, if your partners love vocabulary is Quality Time. The secret is undivided attention to your lovemate.

Physical Touch. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, sex or the squeeze of a partner’s shoulder gently as you pass are all physical expressions of love.

Kiss kiss
Kiss, kiss! Touch is powerfully bonding. Keep your relationship alive and reach out.

Know the real magic happens when you start giving your partner their gift in their desired love language.

Think back in your marriage and get a sense of what your partner primarily responds to. Identify which of the five Love Languages calls their heart towards you. Choose one or if you are an overachiever two to inspire your love.

Roar raise on your partner!
Roar praise for your partner!

Does their face light up as you walk in the door with flowers and tickets to a show? Or do they put the bouquet down and reach to pull you close? Maybe they tell you they’d like to spend more time with you. Or you have heard how good a they are at affirming you or the children. You will see a theme and know.

When you speak your lovers code they will feel closer and more engaged in your relationship.

Let your partner discover your inspired actions in March.

I want to stress it’s a gift, so drop any expectations of a return. Otherwise you will likely struck with a slap of ouch by the disappointment Panda. I am riffing off Mark Manson’s book – The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck a counter-intuitive approach to living a good live. There’s a gift if they like presents and are a reader.

Decide to be generous as you refresh your relationship from the first of the Month.

I would like you to do this as if you are an undercover agent. It’s OK if you get found out, just no letting the cat out of the bag so to speak. Your special person must experience this as a gift. So let them unwrap your present.

Repetition and reinforcement gets results. Maybe you could keep it up for the whole of March, as we know sustained action encourages results. A daily dose of love, what could be better?

So join the Marriage Works Monthly Challenge – learn your partners number 1 and 2 love language and become a love whisperer.

I’d truly love to hear your experience, what you did, what worked, what tanked and how you felt?
So please post your results and reflections. I will respond to you. Drop comment in the box below as your wisdom helps others. Thank You!

Gift receiving is a powerful statement for those who's love language this is.
Gift receiving is a powerful love statement.


I need your help with The Last Resort Technique…

The Last Resort Technique page has offered hundreds of people hope and help when their spouse has dropped the proverbial bomb-shell – ” I’m leaving you.”

Obviously this is a devastating time and if this is where you are at in your marriage you can find assistance here :Help me I need the Last Resort Technique Weblink

Broken hearts need healing help
Broken hearts need healing help

Having you all write in and share your heartfelt journey is very special to me – a big thank you.

For a while now I have been wanting to respond further and have added the Utube video on the LRT here Marriage Works Utube Channel

Often people who contact me want a personalised response to their situation and a guide through the LRT. Due to my busy schedule that is not always possible.

Heal heartbreak with the Last Resort Technique Workbook coming soon!
Heal heartbreak with the Last Resort Technique Workbook coming soon!

So I want to help you with my experience and offer you a workbook. I thought I would reach out and ask – what help do you want from a Last Resort Workbook?

Would it be more on Step 1. Or how to find a life in Step 2 or could it be how to have the patience needed in Step 3 and keep hope alive.

Please send me a comment below – I would really be thankful!

How to Forgive Your Spouse When You Can’t Forget

A spouse relationship can be the most intimate, warm, and beneficial relationships you ever have. However, being that close to someone inherently opens you up to heartache. Being close to someone requires vulnerability and openness. When that vulnerability and transparency are abused or betrayed, this can lead to intense pain and grief.

Grief can make you turn away but the best way to heal is to turn toward each other heartsickness-428103_1920
Grief can make you turn away but the best way to heal is to turn toward each other

However, when a relationship is worth saving , worth fighting for, (and most are people!) forgiveness and healing is the key to getting things back on track. Forgiveness can restore a broken relationship and help you find that place of happiness and harmony once again.

romance-1209046_1920 Love heals hurts - you are worth it!
Love heals hurts – you are worth it!

The problem comes when the pain and grief are still too raw. Forgiving can be extremely difficult when the hurt caused can’t be forgotten. Today, we are going to share with you ways that you can move toward a restored relationship through forgiveness, even when you can’t forget.

Begin by Believing

The first step in any significant change happens within your mindset. If you do not believe that something can happen, chances are, you will not truly invest all that you can to try and make it happen.

It is essential that you begin by believing that rebuilding is possible. Elsewhere on the MarriageWorks.com.au blog, you will find an excellent piece about this very topic.

Heal your hearts together and grow your loveHeal your hearts together and grow your love
Heal your hearts together and grow your love

They offer some much-needed hope for people struggling with reconciliation after a spouse has betrayed their trust. On their blog, they say that with professional help, reconciliation is not only possible, but it is also probable.

When you sincerely believe that something is possible, those positive thoughts will inspire positive actions. And what is rebuilding but a series of positive actions encouraged by positive thinking?

Even if rebuilding your marriage is not possible, believing that forgiveness that moving on and enjoying life again is possible will go a long way in helping you reach those goals.

Stop Trying to Forget

When a spouse hurts us, the pain can seem unbearable at times. Since they are often our closest friend, our spouse can hurt us more than anyone else. Dwelling on this pain can be extremely damaging, however trying like mad to forget can also be detrimental.

The way our brains work, trying to forget rarely works. Often, actively attempting to get rid of a memory will lead to that memory cement itself in our brains. And in the case of pain and heartache, that is the last thing that you want.

Broken hearts can be mended - take heart heart-34655_1280
Broken hearts can be mended – take heart

Sometimes people will work themselves into a rut where they try to forget; the memory comes back, they try to ignore it, the memory reasserts itself stronger yet. This leads to intense frustration and can drag out the healing process for much longer than necessary.

So, stop trying to forget. Stop focusing on the wrong and turn your attention to the things that bring you joy. The memory will fade away in time, but not if you are always trying to forget it.

Forgive for Yourself First

Forgiveness is a powerful thing. Studies have shown that people who forgive often can lead happier, healthier, and more productive, meaningful lives. Is that the kind of life you want to live? I think most of us would have to say ‘yes.’ We all want to have abundant lives that make a difference and allow us to enjoy the moments that we are here on earth.

Keep your heart open health-700672_1920
Keep your heart open

Often forgiveness is viewed as something we must do so for the benefit of the person who wronged us. However, if you shift your perspective and realize that forgiveness has perhaps more to do with your quality of life than anything else, you will begin to see that not only is forgiveness important, it is vital to you living the life that you want to live.

A life free from bitterness, a life that releases the hurt and pain, is a life that is enjoyable to live. Forgiveness is the path to this kind of life. But if you can’t forget, remember that you owe it to yourself to forgive so that you can live the best life that you possibly can.

Remember, Forgiveness is a Choice, Not a Feeling

There are many things in life that we may not feel like doing. However, we do them, knowing that they are the right thing to do. Sometimes, forgiveness is one of those things.

Forgiveness gives you true freedom to move forward and heal
Forgiveness gives you true freedom to move forward and heal.

If you are waiting for a feeling to come before you forgive, chances are you will be waiting for a long time. Instead, take the proactive approach and choose forgiveness even if you may not feel like it.

Final Thoughts

There are few things as painful as a broken relationship. However, our goal today was to provide you with some hope, knowing that forgiveness is possible.

Another thing to keep in mind is that professional guidance is sometimes needed. For most of us, this kind of heartbreak is all brand-new territory. Having someone with the experience and training to guide you through the process can make a world of difference.

 

Note: Many thanks to Danielle over at RP Emery Legal Kits for sharing these tips with us. Protecting yourself ahead of time before getting into any new relationship is always a good idea.

Togetherness side by side in your recovery journey will get you there couple-260899_1920
Togetherness side by side in your recovery journey will get you there.

Love to hear your thoughts, feelings and experiences on this topic please add comment in the box below.