Deepening Bonds with Imago: Nurturing Empathy and Understanding in Relationships

By Philipa Thornton, Psychologist and Imago Relationship Therapy Expert

After decades as a psychologist specializing in relationship therapy, I’ve had the privilege of witnessing countless couples transform their relationships through Imago Relationship Therapy. This journey, both personal and professional, has been a testament to the power of understanding, empathy, and connection in fostering stronger bonds.

Understanding the Imago Concept

Imago Relationship Therapy, developed by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D., is based on a simple yet profound idea: our intimate relationships mirror the needs, fears, and experiences of our childhood. The term ‘Imago,’ Latin for ‘image,’ refers to the subconscious image of familiar love we carry with us, shaped by early interactions with caregivers. This image often guides us unconsciously in choosing our partners.

Personal Journey with Imago

My experience with Imago started several years ago when I realized that the approach enriched my professional skills and illuminated my personal path. Like many, I discovered parts of my ‘Imago’ in my husband, leading us to a deeper understanding of each other’s worlds. Our communication improved significantly, fostering a relationship filled with more empathy and less conflict. It was amazing to share such a magical experience learning more about my spouse’s inner world.

Couples’ Transformations

What’s truly remarkable is watching couples experience their own transformations. One couple, struggling with repetitive arguments, learned through Imago to see beyond the surface-level issues. They uncovered deep-seated vulnerabilities, leading to a newfound appreciation, compassion, and for each other.

Another couple, on the brink of separation, found hope in Imago workshops. Getting the Love You Want offered a reconnecting healing weekend beginning a new journey toward a deeper sense of security in their partnership. They learned to communicate their needs and fears without judgment or defensiveness. This safe space for dialogue allowed them to rebuild their trust and intimacy.

Core Principles of Imago

  1. Safe Communication: Imago emphasizes respectful and empathetic dialogue. Couples learn to express their feelings and needs without blame or criticism, creating a safe environment for both partners.
  2. Understanding Childhood Influences: By exploring how our past shapes our present, couples gain insights into their behaviors and reactions. This understanding fosters compassion and reduces conflict.
  3. Healing and Growth: Imago therapy is not just about resolving conflicts; it’s about growth and healing. Couples often find that as they work through their issues, they develop stronger, more fulfilling relationships. The benefits flow onto their children and the important others we all have in our lives.
  4. Empathy and Validation: Learning to validate and empathize with each other’s experiences is a cornerstone of Imago. This process deepens emotional connections and fosters a supportive partnership. Being seen, heard, and valued is priceless.

Why Choose Imago Therapy?

Couples choose Imago because it offers more than a quick fix. It’s a journey towards a deeper, more meaningful connection. It’s suited for all stages of a relationship, whether you’re newly in love, navigating rough waters, or simply seeking to deepen your bond.

How important is it for you to be seen and supported in meaningful ways? With Imago Therapy you and your partner will know the real, loving you.
How important is it for you to be seen and supported in meaningful ways? With Imago Therapy you and your partner will know the real, loving you.

Final Thoughts

In my career, I’ve witnessed the transformative power of Imago Relationship Therapy firsthand. It’s a tool not just for resolving conflicts, but for building a foundation of understanding and empathy that can weather any storm. The rewards are immeasurable for couples willing to embark on this journey – a relationship based on true understanding, respect, and love.

Remember, the path to a fulfilling relationship is not always easy, but with the right tools and guidance, it’s certainly possible. If you’re interested in exploring Imago Relationship Therapy and coaching, feel free to reach out. Let’s embark on this transformative journey together. Both Chris my husband and I offer Imago Relational Coaching in person or online.


What is Tantra? Have You Used It in the Bedroom?

Many couples struggle with sexual desire discrepancy, no more so than after children. While it’s an exciting time and so wonderful to have wee people. It can cause a strain on your sexual relationship. Not to mention the stresses of work, in-laws, and all the other calls for our attention.

Tantra might be your answer. So what is Tantra?

When you mention Tantra, the first thing people say is sex, which is a touch reductionist.

Classical Tantra is the study of ancient Hindu and Buddhist texts with sacred religious rituals and practices designed for spiritual awakening and connection to divinity.

Tantra was brought to the West in the early 20th Century. Modern Tantra or Neo Tantra focuses on the body and sexual energy as an instrument for ecstasy. Most of us may have heard of the Kama Sutra.

When the producer reached out to me for Tod Sampson’s new season’s documentary Mirror, Mirror discussing Tantra I was intrigued, to say the least. Coincidentally I had just watched last year’s doco with my Dad as I was a featured expert on Social Media and its impacts series.

So there I was looking into the camera trying to keep a straight face discussing Tantra and Tantric sex as an Imago Relationship psychologist and coach. Hilarious, as Mel the producer the only other woman with around 7 guys in the studio.

I digress.

There’s a hot debate on the Westernised and monetized versions of Tantric Sex like Neo-Tantra. Tropical paradise beckons for a week of self-discovery at a price. Commercialization most definitely undermines the spiritual component of Tantra.

Yet revering and honoring our bodies as sacred intuitively feels appropriate and respectful.

Bet you didn’t know some of the Tantric Sex practices aren’t dissimilar to the techniques we coach couples within our clinic. Clothes on of course.

Here are some common features supported by the science we utilize in therapy.

Eye Gazing the Look of Love

In Imago Relationship Therapy we invite partners to turn their chairs towards each other. We may ask them to hold hands and they hold a soft gaze into each other’s eyes in silence.

In this space, barriers break down. Warmth and intimacy reignite.

Many couples giggle nervously as they cross the bridge into each other’s worlds sans words. Simple and yet powerful. Partners report how it’s been ages since they really looked at their partner. Not as a parent, or as a foe, but rather as a friend, their mate.

Naturally, they feel seen and acknowledged in this safe space. Without the danger of words and thoughts escalating into an argument.

30 years of research supports sustained eye contact in increasing intimacy, greater attraction, and trust building. This loving gaze stimulates our pair bonding hormones – oxytocin and phenylethylamine or PEA.

Centring

Next, we allow space to connect to our core selves using the breath with an inhale and long exhalation. Your Imago therapist coach will guide you to deepen and extend the out-breath simultaneously. Lengthening and synchronizing our breath and connection physiologically.

Again science assists our therapy knowledge and practice.

When we are fighting, we are in our Sympathetic Nervous System – which kicks in to deal with the perceived threat in our environment. If we were to view our brains in an fMRI we would see our threat detection areas like the amygdala are activated. Our brains see our partners as attacking so our body mobilizes for action – increased heart rate and blood pressure rises.

We are in fight or flight mode. Rational thought flies out the window.

Instead, we can down-regulate our body’s alarm system, safely and naturally with longer out breathing.

Here we are tapping into our Para-Sympathetic part of us – the rest and relaxation arm of our nervous system. Long Pranayama (Yogic) breathing has been shown in numerous studies to reduce heart rate, lower blood pressure, and increase immune system responsiveness. These are all factors associated with greater life expectancy.

In Imago we encourage intimacy and play. Intimacy, sex, and orgasm are great ways to reconnect in the privacy of your own home. Tantra suggests exploring you and your partner without the goal of orgasm. Instead relishing in the journey of touch and intimacy – tapping into your largest sex organ your brain.

I wonder if you can experiment with this breathing and soft gaze in your bedroom tonight. You might enjoy what Sex Therapist and Intimacy and Desire author David Schnarch calls – electric wall socket sex with an eyes-open orgasm. Inviting all your senses into your and your partners’ connection. Be brave, bold, and respectful.

I hope you found this article helpful.

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Are You Receiving the Love You Want?

Probably not. We yearn for a loving partner, one that offers security, connection, and unconditional love. And yet where are they? Our mate maybe less than ideal, having forgotten the romance that brought you two together.

Maybe you feel disconnected, alone even abandoned at times.

You are not alone.

Believe it or not, your partner may have similar feelings of discontent. So many couples we speak to come in disheartened. Unable to connect except in arguments and strife.

Stuck in these never-ending loops, hope fades. That’s no life. You want more.

We get it.

Chris my husband and I got to this very point in our marital relationship. Yep, Marriage counsellors and relationship therapists need help too.

We discovered Imago Relationship Therapy. Chris wasn’t the problem and neither was I. We were in this together.

We took the Getting the Love You Want Workshop. We trained and certified as Imago Relationship Therapists with New Zealand Imago Relationships Institute – Peter McMillan and Brenda Rawlings (RIP).

Learning how to connect, communicate, appreciate, and shift our reactive patterns was enlightening and empowering. Moving from complaint to compassion. Knowing it’s only our history playing out. Having the psychological and emotional space to talk, share, and repair.

Knowing there’s a way forward. Genuine healing, heartfelt connection.

This is what we bring to our relationship coaching.

Whether you are together, or on your own relational coaching is a game changer. As we learn about ourselves, we have the freedom to move out of negative beliefs and break out of the death spiral.

Are You Ready, Willing, and Wanting to Change Now? Sick and tired and can’t wait any longer? Please call us on 0434 559 011 on weekdays 9-5.

Here’s a YouTube preview video from America’s Imago Relationship Therapy’s founders – Helen LaKelly-Hunt and Harville Hendrix. As spouse’s they live and love the Imago way. With Imago dialogues, a relationship vision and warm connection in their marriage.

Imago Relationship Therapists and married couple. Harville and Helen.

Grateful for 2023 -Share it here …

Hello, lovely relationship wonders! Chris and I wish to welcome your entrance into 2023 with a special dialogue gift. The gratitude dialogue is a sheet of inspiration for you to share with your partner or friend, or yourself. Learn the art of couples’ communication. Offering joy and connection.

Turn your world around with Imago Relationship Free Gratitude sheet for 2023 Photo by Adam Winger on Unsplash
Turn your world around with the Imago Relationship Free Gratitude sheet for 2023 Photo by Adam Winger on Unsplash

August Marriage Works Support: Self-Respect

Last updated on August 10th, 2020 at 04:25 pm

Welcome to August, I am a little late getting this to you. It’s been a busy time of online training for the Resource Therapy Institute – sorry!

Know that I am sending you all love, support, and appreciation for wherever you are on your relationship journey.

Married, de facto, or single, we at Marriage Works seek to assist you live your life’s dreams and highest potential. I do work with singles for coaching to help you change past patterns of relationship and assist you in repairing your self- worth. You are lovable and good enough, truly!

The theme for this month is Self- Respect.

Naturally people want respect in their relationships.

When I ask what this means in therapy sessions, I often get either a stunned look or a few descriptions rattled off.

We often haven’t really had the chance to ponder what respect and self-respect are. How they play out.

This is your mission for the month to think on what it means and how Self Respect shows up for you, or not as the case may be.

What is my definition of Self Respect ?

How do I allow this to show up in my life? What values am I connecting with when I do this?

Self Respect is both an action and an internal compass. It can be as simple as what I choose to eat – is it nourishing for my body. Where my focus goes, is it toward my goals? Am I listening to myself or am I looking for external approval for acknowledgement.

How do I validate my thoughts and feelings. Do I speak kindly, compassionately to myself.

Would I treat others better than I treat myself, ie would I not listen to my intuition and tolerate unhelpful patterns out of fear?

Is my need for approval leading me to lose my self respect? How do I regain the balance?

Please share as I am extremely curious, especially in this world COVID crisis as to how you live this or reconnect with the treasure you are. When we treat ourselves with dignity and gravitas, how do others respond?

Love to hear drop a comment in the box below your musings and definitions. Thanks ever so much,

Love Philipa xox

Marriage Works Support for you - Self Respect

? June Monthly Challenge – Share Kindness ? ?

Welcome back to the Marriage Works Monthly Challenge Series. This is really a call to action to encourage share your positive parts to the world. This is for you no matter what your relationship status.

This month as we start to unfurl from lockdown’s, COVID 19 restrictions I ask you to share your kindness.

For some of us, this will be anxiety-provoking, possibly overwhelm, for others of us it may be a relief.

Whatever your reaction is, know it is all within the normal range to an abnormal situation.

Our partners can have their unique reactions to this so please be mindful and generous to their experiences.

So please share kindness. ?

I am a kiwi at home in Sydney (New Zealander for those who don’t know the euphemism). Being from a small town Thames it’s natural to say Hi and smile at folks when we are out and about. This can be such a goodwill gesture and often rewarded in kind.

Start with small.

Sometimes we have the opportunity to do more. I have had a friend who unexpectedly ended up in hospital. She called and I was able to get her clothes, supplies, feed her cat Izzy and support her. She is out now of danger and things are improving thank goodness.

Here’s the YouTube Marriage Works Channel video on Sharing kindness ? Hear how I responded when a lady got anxious and told me off at the mall.

Here is the link https://youtu.be/kc_tMcscQu8

As I believe a joy shared is doubled and you will inspire others with your positive deeds. It’s feel-good all round.? ?

PS. Love to hear how your kindness sharing went, please drop a comment in the box below. Please pass on to others who may benefit.? ?

March Monthly Inspiration – Mirroring and a Couples Quiz.

Welcome to the March 2020 monthly relationship inspiration from Marriage works.

I’ve come straight from Yoga. Where my teacher got us to close our eyes and see what you don’t see, with your body, your mind and the people around you.

I loved this. Super hard in warrior three, standing in a t shape balancing on one leg. Wobbly!

It’s easy to miss what we see every day as we share our lives with our partners.

Familiarity cheats us. We get ever so slightly lazy in our thinking. Our mind leaps to the past, assumptions quickly jump in.

So I am asking you this month, in all your relationships to “See what you don’t see and hear what you don’t hear”.


Stay curious.

One vital tool Chris my husband and I use in our couple coaching is the Imago couple dialogue’s mirroring.

Mirroring is where we reflect back our partners sentences and tone, to ensure acknowledgement and validation.

It’s pretty much saying repeating our partners words back to them, with the same energy. It’s magical being acknowledged this way.

When your partner does this for you it’s super supportive.

Use this mirroring tool. Perhaps staying with the most important words.

When we mirror our partners responses we will feel really attuned and in stride with each other like these beautiful horses
When we mirror our partners responses we will feel really attuned and in stride with each other like these beautiful horses


Chris and also found this couples quiz. We had great fun last night.

Good news we know each other well. I still learnt something new.

You answer the questions and see how it fits.


I chose at random one of the cards to read out on : Marriage Works YouTube Channel

Listen if you want my answers. Here are the questions as promised in the video:

How well do you know each other?


Which celebrity does your partner think they most look like?


Who tells the best jokes?


Who takes longer to get ready?


What is your partners favorite band of all time?
I got this wrong it’s not Led Zeppelin! https://youtu.be/NrBNOe15_qQ


Does your partner prefer cats or d
ogs?

Love to hear how you found this cute quiz. Please share your answers to encourage us!

https://youtu.be/NrBNOe15_qQ

Please Visit us  https://MarriageWorks.com.au for Relationship Coaching, Saving Your Marriage From Divorce – The Last Resort Technique, Healing Your Heart for Partnership and loads more advice and  information.

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My Husband, My Baseline. Here’s Why..

Last updated on March 1st, 2020 at 01:29 pm

Chris, my spouse is my standard for love and kind treatment. He is my lauchpad for care and respect.

In my rooms I see couples, lone partners and singles all striving for love.

Many times there’s a struggle to find self worth, value and a belief in ourselves as deserving of a loving happy relationship.

Things go off into the ditch.

This is when our negative patterns show up in partnerships.

We use the idea of a maximiser – the one who demands and speaks up. They are like the hailstorm and pour down harder to be heard.

Hailstorm Thunder of words can be overwhelming. This is a maximiser trait.
Hailstorm Thunder of words can be overwhelming. This is a maximiser trait.

On the flip side is the minimiser. Their pattern is withdrawal. We call these guys the Turtle. They pull back into their shells protectively.

The turtle or tortoise withdraws to protect and minimise, usually invoking more thunder and hail!
The turtle or tortoise withdraws to protect and minimise, usually invoking more thunder and hail from the maximiser!

Whey I say this to couples they nod knowingly. They usually know whether they are a turtle or a hailstorm in their partnership.

I saw John Aiken pointing out this very dynamic on Married At First Sight. Boy what a hothouse for explosivity. Makes for TV ratings. I love that we are talking about relationships.

Time outs can protect us from the danger zone of escalation.

This dynamic becomes problematic when it goes off road in the ditch.

When harsh words are said against ones character, foul language and escalation happen.

We can quickly go to the danger zone.

While time outs are a useful tool and necessary tool. It’s vital we learn newer, safer, supportive ways of connecting and communicating.

Danger zone, the frontal lobe is off line we are coming form our reptilian brain. Attack and defend come naturally as our biology kicks in.
Danger zone, the frontal lobe is off line. We come from our reptilian brain. Attack and defend naturally occurs as our biology kicks in.

That’s why I coach couples dialogue in my sessions. So your can find a part to help you get your needs met.

You get real world skills to apply in your relationship when the sparks fly.

If a partner comes alone, I always will extend an invitation to attend. Some come, some don’t. Sometimes it’s a new beginning or the next stage in their partnership.

One gentleman I saw for 10-12 sessions solo, by the end of our work they were happily engaged. Gorgeous pictures of roses, rings and romance. Ah love my work!

Ah happy days wedding bliss loving couple

Occasionally my radar goes up where I hear contempt and threats. I gently query how the person feels on the end of this – this is the marker and what if any repair happens.

When there are excuses, blame and no accountability, I get concerned.

While I totally believe people can change. The proviso is they must want the change for themselves.

Danger zone relationship abuse

It’s usually then I point to a picture of us on our wedding day and say this is Chris. He would never say $%$^ to me. I have haven’t ever heard him use foul language apart from the rare stubbed toe expletive.

Chris wouldn’t ever say or treat me in that way. I trust him to support me and have my back. While we may not agree on everything, it’s all up for negotiation.

No he’s not an angel but he is good, kind and acts with restraint. Guess who’s the turtle here!

Respect is a cornerstone in a healthy relationship and it’s important we restore it quickly when it’s lost. No one’s perfect!

You are welcome to use Chris as a baseline too!

Ask yourself if there is a person or partnership you admire. Would they act that way, or say that ?

Perhaps we can require more of ourselves and our partners as we learn and grow together. Go gently and live fully. Yours in gratitude Philipa xox

I Dare you… Take a Risk Right Now Send this Text –

I was watching Mel Robbins (Thank you Mel, you are awesome in your practical real world advice) and she asked, no she DARED the audience to send a text to someone they care about, family, their partner, friend, a significant person who’s important to you.

Here’s what she said to text – ” What can I do to to be a better partner or friend to you?”

I dare you to send that text right now.

Send this text to reconnect your love
Send this text to reconnect your love

See what comes back – love to hear what you get back please drop a comment in the box below.

Send this text to reconnect your love

Mel and myself ask to to show you that the person you choose to send it to is the safest person on the planet to get feedback on. How special is that!

Safety helps you reset your mind
Safety helps you reset your mind

Notice what comes up for you in doing this exercise. Is a part of you critical? Perhaps you hear a voice saying that’s silly. This is likely our fearful part coming on line.

It’s taking a risk and we resist risk taking.

So our relationships stay shallow. We feel disconnected.

Break out and take a risk. Safety is key in connections and we get there by being vulnerable, kind and respectful.

So please send the text and let us know your responses and how it feels both sending and receiving. Drop a line in the comments section below. Share with others. Thanks Philipa

My Best Articles of 2019 for You & Your Relationships.

As the new year begins, I thought it might be nice to highlight some of the best, most well received articles from the past year.

I have gone through the archives and found articles that gained positive feedback or were particularity powerful and interesting. Hopefully you’ll find a few old favourites here and come across something new to inspire you!

Let’s dive in :

This one is for those of us needing the Last Resort Program. Here you will find some more useful tips in applying this marriage saving technique https://marriageworks.com.au/2019/03/how-to-deal-with-the-i-love-yous-whilst-applying-the-last-resort-technique/

And here’s one for those of us who are Once were Worriers, when the worry has you trapped in a vicious cycle of procrastination, or frozen and let’s face it the festive season can amp this right up !https://marriageworks.com.au/2019/04/why-worry-and-what-you-can-do-about-it/

How do we get past infidelity?
How do we get past infidelity?

Perhaps these Millenials can teach us about Marriage Fidelity and Trust building ? https://marriageworks.com.au/2019/05/my-thoughts-on-why-millenials-are-cheating-less/

Are you getting the Love you Want? Check out the cheats guide to skipping therapy with a couples retreat to fast track your relationship repair here https://marriageworks.com.au/2019/07/getting-the-love-you-want-couples-workshop/

Infidelity is heartbreaking. Watch my Youtube here for help https://marriageworks.com.au/2019/08/infidelity-dilemmas/

Hold on to your marriage. See a marriage friendly therapist

A timely reminder to of the power of gratitude https://marriageworks.com.au/2019/11/thanks-giving-happy-november-monthlychallenge/

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