Deepening Bonds with Imago: Nurturing Empathy and Understanding in Relationships

By Philipa Thornton, Psychologist and Imago Relationship Therapy Expert

After decades as a psychologist specializing in relationship therapy, I’ve had the privilege of witnessing countless couples transform their relationships through Imago Relationship Therapy. This journey, both personal and professional, has been a testament to the power of understanding, empathy, and connection in fostering stronger bonds.

Understanding the Imago Concept

Imago Relationship Therapy, developed by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D., is based on a simple yet profound idea: our intimate relationships mirror the needs, fears, and experiences of our childhood. The term ‘Imago,’ Latin for ‘image,’ refers to the subconscious image of familiar love we carry with us, shaped by early interactions with caregivers. This image often guides us unconsciously in choosing our partners.

Personal Journey with Imago

My experience with Imago started several years ago when I realized that the approach enriched my professional skills and illuminated my personal path. Like many, I discovered parts of my ‘Imago’ in my husband, leading us to a deeper understanding of each other’s worlds. Our communication improved significantly, fostering a relationship filled with more empathy and less conflict. It was amazing to share such a magical experience learning more about my spouse’s inner world.

Couples’ Transformations

What’s truly remarkable is watching couples experience their own transformations. One couple, struggling with repetitive arguments, learned through Imago to see beyond the surface-level issues. They uncovered deep-seated vulnerabilities, leading to a newfound appreciation, compassion, and for each other.

Another couple, on the brink of separation, found hope in Imago workshops. Getting the Love You Want offered a reconnecting healing weekend beginning a new journey toward a deeper sense of security in their partnership. They learned to communicate their needs and fears without judgment or defensiveness. This safe space for dialogue allowed them to rebuild their trust and intimacy.

Core Principles of Imago

  1. Safe Communication: Imago emphasizes respectful and empathetic dialogue. Couples learn to express their feelings and needs without blame or criticism, creating a safe environment for both partners.
  2. Understanding Childhood Influences: By exploring how our past shapes our present, couples gain insights into their behaviors and reactions. This understanding fosters compassion and reduces conflict.
  3. Healing and Growth: Imago therapy is not just about resolving conflicts; it’s about growth and healing. Couples often find that as they work through their issues, they develop stronger, more fulfilling relationships. The benefits flow onto their children and the important others we all have in our lives.
  4. Empathy and Validation: Learning to validate and empathize with each other’s experiences is a cornerstone of Imago. This process deepens emotional connections and fosters a supportive partnership. Being seen, heard, and valued is priceless.

Why Choose Imago Therapy?

Couples choose Imago because it offers more than a quick fix. It’s a journey towards a deeper, more meaningful connection. It’s suited for all stages of a relationship, whether you’re newly in love, navigating rough waters, or simply seeking to deepen your bond.

How important is it for you to be seen and supported in meaningful ways? With Imago Therapy you and your partner will know the real, loving you.
How important is it for you to be seen and supported in meaningful ways? With Imago Therapy you and your partner will know the real, loving you.

Final Thoughts

In my career, I’ve witnessed the transformative power of Imago Relationship Therapy firsthand. It’s a tool not just for resolving conflicts, but for building a foundation of understanding and empathy that can weather any storm. The rewards are immeasurable for couples willing to embark on this journey – a relationship based on true understanding, respect, and love.

Remember, the path to a fulfilling relationship is not always easy, but with the right tools and guidance, it’s certainly possible. If you’re interested in exploring Imago Relationship Therapy and coaching, feel free to reach out. Let’s embark on this transformative journey together. Both Chris my husband and I offer Imago Relational Coaching in person or online.


So Are You Getting the Love You Want?

Probably not. Harville Hendrix discovered the secret to what goes wrong in our partnerships and how to heal.

It’s not you or your partner. You and your mate are simply repeating patterns of pain that began way before you met.

No wonder you feel stuck.

Having the same fight repeatedly. Yearning to feel heard and seen and connected in your relationship at a heart-centered level. It’s often the same for your partner too.

So what’s really going on?

Imago tells you why you are trapped in negativity and how to find a way out. With hope, intimacy, and heartfelt connection.

Keen to know more?

Here’s a YouTube animation summarising Harville Hendrix and his wife Helen LaKelly-Hunt in their New York Times Bestseller Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. Thanks to @Ragwise – Read And Grow Wise. There are subtitles as the narrator has a thick accent.

A six-minute introduction to Imago Relationship Therapy and how it can help you and your partner move beyond conflict and restore connection.

Woman wonder mother- Dame Valerie Adams -Sports legend

Oh, I was so inspired by Dame Valerie’s story and I am sure you will be too. Watching her life portrayed on the screen “More than Gold.” It really was.

I was in tears of connection at least four times. Poignant, powerful, and awesome. Her mother would be proud. Many of us who watch will resonate with her journey – loss, divorce, despair, devotion, mother guilt, birth, and trauma. Winning and losing. Performance pressure.

So let your heart be touched in this beautiful moving tale of 5 Olympic games and see a world-class athlete battle and become her personal best.

Dame Valerie Adams – loving mother, wife, friend and shotput legend of Aotearoa NZ.

Grateful for 2023 -Share it here …

Hello, lovely relationship wonders! Chris and I wish to welcome your entrance into 2023 with a special dialogue gift. The gratitude dialogue is a sheet of inspiration for you to share with your partner or friend, or yourself. Learn the art of couples’ communication. Offering joy and connection.

Turn your world around with Imago Relationship Free Gratitude sheet for 2023 Photo by Adam Winger on Unsplash
Turn your world around with the Imago Relationship Free Gratitude sheet for 2023 Photo by Adam Winger on Unsplash

Couple Retreat in Bali Registrations

Dear Relationship workers, Chris and I hope this finds you well. We are in a wet patch here in Sydney. Just met with the plumber for drainage help.

Gloriously we returned to Bali, a place where we reset our relationship. We fell in love with this wonderful island a few years back. For us, it has the flavor of a honeymoon all over again. Positive vibes that warm our hearts and keep our partnership healthy and strong.

Wanting to share the love and healing of magical Indonesia we are thinking of offering a couples retreat in Bali winter of 2023.

BaliTropicalparadisecouplesretreat
Bali Tropical Paradise Couples Retreat 2023

The program would be a long weekend with a mix of workshops and activities. For fun, frolic, and reinvigoration with real-world communication skills and exercises immersed in a tropical paradise.

My suggestion is that your relationship is in a stable place and you are wanting to increase your heartfelt connection.

It’s not “Survivor for Relationships” if you get my drift.

We will keep the group small. You will only ever work with your partner, so rest assured.

Naturally, we will all benefit from being together, sharing wisdom and all that brings.

Registrations of Interest are now open. Applications are open from all areas of the world. Please join us.

So drop me a line or add a comment below. Please sign up for the newsletter to keep in the loop.

Tropicalparadisecouplesretreat

With love and Light Philipa and Chris

How our break up fixed my Relationship…

I want to share something personal – this is a huge thing for me to put on the website being a very private person. Yet I am a great believer in being real and honest. Chris and I went through some tough times earlier this year. We had come to a place of separation.

Broken hearts need healing help

It was over as we were wanting different things from the relationship.

Marriage is an Institution and investment in each other
Marriage

I am traditional and believe in the institution of Marriage – hence the name Marriage Works – right! Of course you can be totally committed partners without it. I am no Marriagist. Chris having been divorced was not bothered by matrimony.

I am glad to say we did work things through and are happily back together in a more powerful and deeper connection than ever.

Plus we got married on November 3rd 2018, a happy day all round!

The Bride and Groom - Chris and Philipa got hitched!
The Bride and Groom – Chris and Philipa got hitched!

What helped was us going and seeing a couple therapist and working through our sticking points. Being a client and learning about myself has always improved my therapy game. I could not believe how anxious I was going to every appointment. I definitely have a bucket load more compassion having had the counseling experience. Our good therapist really turned things around. Thank you!

Togetherness side by side in your recovery journey will get you there couple-260899_1920
Togetherness side by side

What also was incredibly useful was a couple therapy workshop called  Getting the Love you Want – Couples Weekend Workshop  Clink on the link.

Getting the Love You Want!
Getting the Love You Want!

Brenda and Peter hold these workshops in Sydney, Melbourne and Auckland New Zealand. In the weekend we learnt so much about each other and it offered us a way forward in hope with our love.

I am passionate about couples learning to connect and heal this can happen in the therapy room. The bonus is you get to take the learning and techniques into your life.

Look up and see the light and move away from misery and pain
Look up and see the light and move away from misery and pain

Using it as a therapy tool I have seen partner’s change in 90 minutes as they see and get their spouses angst in a hearfelt way. It’s different to the old ways of communicating which lead to hopelessness and desperation.

I recommend it to all my couples and friends! It is coming very soon 8/9 December so give your self the best gift every – a healthier, happier relationship for the two of you.

Find a beacon of light and hope here
Find a beacon of light and hope here

How to Forgive Your Spouse When You Can’t Forget

A spouse relationship can be the most intimate, warm, and beneficial relationships you ever have. However, being that close to someone inherently opens you up to heartache. Being close to someone requires vulnerability and openness. When that vulnerability and transparency are abused or betrayed, this can lead to intense pain and grief.

Grief can make you turn away but the best way to heal is to turn toward each other heartsickness-428103_1920
Grief can make you turn away but the best way to heal is to turn toward each other

However, when a relationship is worth saving , worth fighting for, (and most are people!) forgiveness and healing is the key to getting things back on track. Forgiveness can restore a broken relationship and help you find that place of happiness and harmony once again.

romance-1209046_1920 Love heals hurts - you are worth it!
Love heals hurts – you are worth it!

The problem comes when the pain and grief are still too raw. Forgiving can be extremely difficult when the hurt caused can’t be forgotten. Today, we are going to share with you ways that you can move toward a restored relationship through forgiveness, even when you can’t forget.

Begin by Believing

The first step in any significant change happens within your mindset. If you do not believe that something can happen, chances are, you will not truly invest all that you can to try and make it happen.

It is essential that you begin by believing that rebuilding is possible. Elsewhere on the MarriageWorks.com.au blog, you will find an excellent piece about this very topic.

Heal your hearts together and grow your loveHeal your hearts together and grow your love
Heal your hearts together and grow your love

They offer some much-needed hope for people struggling with reconciliation after a spouse has betrayed their trust. On their blog, they say that with professional help, reconciliation is not only possible, but it is also probable.

When you sincerely believe that something is possible, those positive thoughts will inspire positive actions. And what is rebuilding but a series of positive actions encouraged by positive thinking?

Even if rebuilding your marriage is not possible, believing that forgiveness that moving on and enjoying life again is possible will go a long way in helping you reach those goals.

Stop Trying to Forget

When a spouse hurts us, the pain can seem unbearable at times. Since they are often our closest friend, our spouse can hurt us more than anyone else. Dwelling on this pain can be extremely damaging, however trying like mad to forget can also be detrimental.

The way our brains work, trying to forget rarely works. Often, actively attempting to get rid of a memory will lead to that memory cement itself in our brains. And in the case of pain and heartache, that is the last thing that you want.

Broken hearts can be mended - take heart heart-34655_1280
Broken hearts can be mended – take heart

Sometimes people will work themselves into a rut where they try to forget; the memory comes back, they try to ignore it, the memory reasserts itself stronger yet. This leads to intense frustration and can drag out the healing process for much longer than necessary.

So, stop trying to forget. Stop focusing on the wrong and turn your attention to the things that bring you joy. The memory will fade away in time, but not if you are always trying to forget it.

Forgive for Yourself First

Forgiveness is a powerful thing. Studies have shown that people who forgive often can lead happier, healthier, and more productive, meaningful lives. Is that the kind of life you want to live? I think most of us would have to say ‘yes.’ We all want to have abundant lives that make a difference and allow us to enjoy the moments that we are here on earth.

Keep your heart open health-700672_1920
Keep your heart open

Often forgiveness is viewed as something we must do so for the benefit of the person who wronged us. However, if you shift your perspective and realize that forgiveness has perhaps more to do with your quality of life than anything else, you will begin to see that not only is forgiveness important, it is vital to you living the life that you want to live.

A life free from bitterness, a life that releases the hurt and pain, is a life that is enjoyable to live. Forgiveness is the path to this kind of life. But if you can’t forget, remember that you owe it to yourself to forgive so that you can live the best life that you possibly can.

Remember, Forgiveness is a Choice, Not a Feeling

There are many things in life that we may not feel like doing. However, we do them, knowing that they are the right thing to do. Sometimes, forgiveness is one of those things.

Forgiveness gives you true freedom to move forward and heal
Forgiveness gives you true freedom to move forward and heal.

If you are waiting for a feeling to come before you forgive, chances are you will be waiting for a long time. Instead, take the proactive approach and choose forgiveness even if you may not feel like it.

Final Thoughts

There are few things as painful as a broken relationship. However, our goal today was to provide you with some hope, knowing that forgiveness is possible.

Another thing to keep in mind is that professional guidance is sometimes needed. For most of us, this kind of heartbreak is all brand-new territory. Having someone with the experience and training to guide you through the process can make a world of difference.

 

Note: Many thanks to Danielle over at RP Emery Legal Kits for sharing these tips with us. Protecting yourself ahead of time before getting into any new relationship is always a good idea.

Togetherness side by side in your recovery journey will get you there couple-260899_1920
Togetherness side by side in your recovery journey will get you there.

Love to hear your thoughts, feelings and experiences on this topic please add comment in the box below.

 

From the New York Times – how a pooch saved this relationship…

Maura Lammers divulges how her partner’s finding of Pudge, the rescue dog kept her and her long term partner from separating.

Posted in the New York Times Modern love – Pudge will Keep us together.  Maura details how this pooch strengthened their bond and brought them closer.

It’s a lovely piece. Perhaps you have a story about your pet? Please share your experiences.

Chris and I love our rescue cat Taneis

unconditional love cannot be overestimated. So cute!
It’s not puppy love, unconditional love cannot be overestimated. So cute!

ha to bits. She is 16 years old and still going strong. She’s on my lap as I write this the little darling. She offers unconditional love and it is so nice to stroke her soft fur and hear a purr emit from her belly. The simple things!

Taneisha The Resource Therapy Cat
This is the gorgeous Taneisha my rescue cat.

Please add your story below in the comments section. Love to see pictures too.

Looking to Improve Your Marriage? Adopt a Dog

Last updated on January 17th, 2019 at 09:27 am

Doggy Love -The Joys of a sharing together.
Buying a dog in any relationship is a huge step. That’s because it essentially means you’re adding a new family member. It’s a responsibility that should not be taken lightly. A lot of thought, research, and careful planning needs to go into choosing a special pet. It’s always a smart idea to make lists of the pros before running to a shelter and grabbing the first dog you see. After careful consideration, you’ll find that a dog is a great asset to any marriage and any family.

What a great pair, think of the fun you can have choosing and caring for your dog! What a great pair, think of the fun you can have choosing and caring for your dog![/caption]

Shopping Together for the Dog
Before you pick out a dog for your relationship, you’ll need to do some planning. This helps to make sure that everything goes smoothly and there’s no unexpected hiccups or arguments later on. Do your research on what type of dog you’d like to add to your home. Different breeds have different wants, needs, and activity levels. Find a reputable dog shelter or breeder, choose dog food that fosters their growth, toys for fun and learning, and dog treats that are healthy.

Dogs Can Save Your Marriage
If you’re having problems in your relationship or marriage, adding a dog may just be what the doctor ordered. Dogs can help save a marriage because it gives both people involved something positive to focus their energy on. Dogs also provide love to a relationship that may be struggling. They’re an outlet for positive energy and something that couples can focus their time on together.

Picking Out a Dog is a Bonding Experience
Choosing a dog, their food, their toys, and everything else is a bonding experience in itself. Couples can come together and learn a little bit about each other by learning what type of dogs and characteristics each other fancies. When a couple decides on what type of dog they’d like to adopt, they can make a day out of getting things ready for the dog. Not only does this entail picking out supplies and creating a safe place at home for the dog, it also means picking out the dog itself. Couples get a chance to meet different dogs in a small room or while going for a walk. This helps them find the one that is right for their family.

More Fun Activities For Couples Thanks to  Our Dogs
If you are looking to improve your marriage, simply add a dog. That’s because if you are having marriage troubles, you’re most likely bored, frustrated, or unhappy with the routine that you’re stuck in. A dog can fix this because it completely changes your life. Instead of waking up, going to work, making dinner, and going to bed; there are now new possibilities. You can bond in the following ways with your spouse and the dog:

  • By going for a walk to see the scenery
  • Going for a hike anywhere that’s dog-friendly
  • Taking a trip to the dog park
  • Cuddling up together on the couch The three of you cuddling, laughing and loving together. The three of you cuddling, laughing and loving together.

This breaks that routine that married couples feel they were stuck in. Dogs mean that everyday will be something different for you and your spouse. If you’re ever feeling frustrated, take some time alone with the dog.

Dogs Give Love Which in Turn Creates More Love

In conclusion, dogs provide love. If you’re marriage is struggling, it might be because it’s lacking love. A dog can come along and change everything. They can show that they have so much love to give which, in turn, can inspire you and your spouse. Dogs are also happy creatures. It’s hard to be upset when there’s a happy, panting, tail-wagging friend that is waiting for you every day. Overall, dogs can boost your morale, give you hope, and inspire you to do better not just in your marriage but in all aspects of your life.

This piece is written by Professional dog walker – Bruce Dwyer. He also runs dog treats business at https://www.healthydogtreats.com.au/. He strongly believes in having a dog to improve your marriage.

dog health is important

Thanks ever so much Bruce for your guest contribution, dogs can be our guides for unconditional love, a truly wonderful thing.

We love all animals at Marriage Works and I am Grandma to Tyson the Staffy!

My Grand doggy Tyson the Staffy is 5! My Grand doggy Tyson the Staffy is 5!

Have a helpful contribution you want to make ? Please contact me philipathornton@gmail.com

Stop an Argument in it’s Tracks – Do This Instead

Last updated on September 5th, 2018 at 09:24 pm

Are you feeling trapped in a cycle of negativity with you and your partner getting stuck in the same old fights. You know the ones – where you experience the loop like a noose tightening around your throat and all you can think is “here we go again”… another argument, but can’t think what to do. Well let me help you. First take a big breath and take a time out. Stop and use it.

This can be a chance for change.

Money struggles are no fun
Money is the number cause of arguments! Budget today.

At this stage you are at a choice point. Decide to act in the old routine, with typically the same dance steps.

You know how that pans out right? I’d guess you can cake walk the outcome with your eyes closed. Play with me do it on your own now. Not great huh?

Or  you can choose a new move.

Here’s an option for variety, which I call taking a turn down memory lane. It involves purposeful distraction. Parent’s are the master of directing children’s attention to away from distress – simply get them to focus on something else and look at you. New stimulation, different mood equals peace for you, sigh of relief. You remind them of the fun time they had playing soccer or whatever it was they enjoy doing.

I was coaching a husband the other day.  He wanted to break out of the old habits of relating to his wife. So I suggested my distraction technique, which is really using Resource Therapy’s powerful methods for change. It’s so simple and yet effective.

Turn the corner today and stop an argument. Make a time later for serious discussion.
Turn the corner today and stop an argument. Make a time later for serious discussion.

I call it –Take a turn down into Memory Lane.

This is where it’s time to stroll back in history.  Where you get to go to those earlier days in dating relationship, remember we used to call in courting. The idea is to foster a reconnection with your past successes – as The Cars sang “Let the good times roll.”

Recreate an old vision renewed to enliven your marriage
Recreate an old vision renewed to enliven your marriage.

You are going for the treasure pot of gold. It’s not at the end of the rainbow but at the beginning of your partnership.

Actually it’s any time you felt warm, loved, connected and light being in each others presence. Where you are delighted and so are they. The happy relaxed carefree times. Not suprising it’s often pre-kids!

You reminisce on the first holiday, kiss, date, your proposal or walking down the aisle staring with hope and joy into each others eyes. Whatever the time was where you were really into each other, feeling connected and cared for. Those love drugs where pumping. We want to bring this back into sharp focus.

What fun was it to play in the sand, laughing and joking around!
How much fun was it to play in the sand, laughing and joking around?!

They don’t call it re-membering for nothing!

Here you are bringing out your partner’s Loving Resource state, the part of their personality which enjoys you and their choice of  spouse. And you are also bringing forth the same part which found them cute and fun to be with.

The way you do this is to really paint the picture, describe the time of day, where you were, the surroundings, the sounds, the sensations, images and warm emotions. Keep doing this until your spouse joins in and you see the light in their eyes, the softness in their voice and gentleness in their features. Play with it. Get some serious fun happening.

It’s so simple.

The only proviso is it must only be happy times with nothing negative attached. Now if things have been rough recently you may need to be tenacious and keep reaching.

All I need to do with Chris is say remember what fun we had Bali?  What great meals we had there. Bali is where we took our first overseas holiday and it was magical, it still is a favourite destination.

A beautiful Bali smile from our first trip there
A beautiful Bali smile from our first trip there.

Then I say how good was our first night’s dinner at the Cafe Wayan in Ubud?

Yummy dinner at a Warung in Bali
Yummy dinner at a Warung in Bali.

What did you have again? You see Chris enjoys his food and if I get him talking about something delicious I can almost see him drool. His eyes get a dreamy look – I can see he is back there in the warm glades, hearing the tinkle of the music.

Having this conversation about our shared joy makes us closer and brings out the loving parts of us. It sets us up for a great night.

So do yourself a favour and take a walk down memory lane today. And you needn’t wait to use it to staunch an argument. Practice it prior. Use it any time you want to feel connected and inspire love. with your partner.

Please tell me your thoughts on this technique and even better how it went for you. Love to hear your experiences, so please share.

With love and healing
With love and healing

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