How to Forgive Your Spouse When You Can’t Forget

A spouse relationship can be the most intimate, warm, and beneficial relationships you ever have. However, being that close to someone inherently opens you up to heartache. Being close to someone requires vulnerability and openness. When that vulnerability and transparency are abused or betrayed, this can lead to intense pain and grief.

Grief can make you turn away but the best way to heal is to turn toward each other heartsickness-428103_1920
Grief can make you turn away but the best way to heal is to turn toward each other

However, when a relationship is worth saving , worth fighting for, (and most are people!) forgiveness and healing is the key to getting things back on track. Forgiveness can restore a broken relationship and help you find that place of happiness and harmony once again.

romance-1209046_1920 Love heals hurts - you are worth it!
Love heals hurts – you are worth it!

The problem comes when the pain and grief are still too raw. Forgiving can be extremely difficult when the hurt caused can’t be forgotten. Today, we are going to share with you ways that you can move toward a restored relationship through forgiveness, even when you can’t forget.

Begin by Believing

The first step in any significant change happens within your mindset. If you do not believe that something can happen, chances are, you will not truly invest all that you can to try and make it happen.

It is essential that you begin by believing that rebuilding is possible. Elsewhere on the MarriageWorks.com.au blog, you will find an excellent piece about this very topic.

Heal your hearts together and grow your loveHeal your hearts together and grow your love
Heal your hearts together and grow your love

They offer some much-needed hope for people struggling with reconciliation after a spouse has betrayed their trust. On their blog, they say that with professional help, reconciliation is not only possible, but it is also probable.

When you sincerely believe that something is possible, those positive thoughts will inspire positive actions. And what is rebuilding but a series of positive actions encouraged by positive thinking?

Even if rebuilding your marriage is not possible, believing that forgiveness that moving on and enjoying life again is possible will go a long way in helping you reach those goals.

Stop Trying to Forget

When a spouse hurts us, the pain can seem unbearable at times. Since they are often our closest friend, our spouse can hurt us more than anyone else. Dwelling on this pain can be extremely damaging, however trying like mad to forget can also be detrimental.

The way our brains work, trying to forget rarely works. Often, actively attempting to get rid of a memory will lead to that memory cement itself in our brains. And in the case of pain and heartache, that is the last thing that you want.

Broken hearts can be mended - take heart heart-34655_1280
Broken hearts can be mended – take heart

Sometimes people will work themselves into a rut where they try to forget; the memory comes back, they try to ignore it, the memory reasserts itself stronger yet. This leads to intense frustration and can drag out the healing process for much longer than necessary.

So, stop trying to forget. Stop focusing on the wrong and turn your attention to the things that bring you joy. The memory will fade away in time, but not if you are always trying to forget it.

Forgive for Yourself First

Forgiveness is a powerful thing. Studies have shown that people who forgive often can lead happier, healthier, and more productive, meaningful lives. Is that the kind of life you want to live? I think most of us would have to say ‘yes.’ We all want to have abundant lives that make a difference and allow us to enjoy the moments that we are here on earth.

Keep your heart open health-700672_1920
Keep your heart open

Often forgiveness is viewed as something we must do so for the benefit of the person who wronged us. However, if you shift your perspective and realize that forgiveness has perhaps more to do with your quality of life than anything else, you will begin to see that not only is forgiveness important, it is vital to you living the life that you want to live.

A life free from bitterness, a life that releases the hurt and pain, is a life that is enjoyable to live. Forgiveness is the path to this kind of life. But if you can’t forget, remember that you owe it to yourself to forgive so that you can live the best life that you possibly can.

Remember, Forgiveness is a Choice, Not a Feeling

There are many things in life that we may not feel like doing. However, we do them, knowing that they are the right thing to do. Sometimes, forgiveness is one of those things.

Forgiveness gives you true freedom to move forward and heal
Forgiveness gives you true freedom to move forward and heal.

If you are waiting for a feeling to come before you forgive, chances are you will be waiting for a long time. Instead, take the proactive approach and choose forgiveness even if you may not feel like it.

Final Thoughts

There are few things as painful as a broken relationship. However, our goal today was to provide you with some hope, knowing that forgiveness is possible.

Another thing to keep in mind is that professional guidance is sometimes needed. For most of us, this kind of heartbreak is all brand-new territory. Having someone with the experience and training to guide you through the process can make a world of difference.

 

Note: Many thanks to Danielle over at RP Emery Legal Kits for sharing these tips with us. Protecting yourself ahead of time before getting into any new relationship is always a good idea.

Togetherness side by side in your recovery journey will get you there couple-260899_1920
Togetherness side by side in your recovery journey will get you there.

Love to hear your thoughts, feelings and experiences on this topic please add comment in the box below.

 

After the Affair Article in MINDFOOD July/ August Issue 2018

Hello there lovely readers of Marriage Works.

Chris and I went to the news agents on Saturday as he wanted to buy a magazine for the soccer World cup. While in there he handed me the latest Mindfood magazine pointing out a psychology article “After the Affair – is it possible to restore trust.” I said oh good and opened it to page 50 in Health:Relationships.

My surprise reading Philipa Thornton as published in MINDFOOD McHugh Media's Magazine
Surprise!

Imagine my surprise when I read “Philipa Thornton’s strategies for making it work after an affair”! I had totally forgotten journalist Emily Joyce’s interview back in April.

I was pretty chuffed and had a good chuckle. It is a great article ( even if I do say so!) on affair recovery which is totally possible, I encourage you to check it out. Plus you get to see the gorgeous Rachel Weisz’s beautiful image and hear her story of a new chapter. See her interview with Graham Norton here on being married to Daniel Craig

The story is called Circle of Trust and is out now.

mindfood psychology after the affair contributions by philipa thornton psychologist

Current Issue of Mindfood Magazine here

No Sex, could it be an Affair or Warning Sign?

If your bedroom has gone dead, you need to address this. You know your partner and your frequency. If it’s gone off the boil, you may need to light the fire again.

Intimate connection, begins with understanding and appreciation. We get caught up in the daily grind. You ignore your relationship and your partner at your peril.

If you start looking outside for the answers – accusing your spouse of infidelity then you only lose control. Even if there is an affair your best bet is to work on your marriage.

Bring back the fun and frolics
Bring back the fun and frolics

Both men and women need an emotional and safe place to experience their connection. Are you providing this? If so great. You are probably having sex. If not you may need to get on top of this pronto. Reconnect with your partner today. Do something nice, share yourself with love.

Wishing you luck and love!

Dead bedroom or affair?
In union

Best on Screen Affair Apology with Robert De Niro

Over the weekend I saw The Intern with Robert De Niro and Anne Hathaway starring. ( Spoiler alert I am going to give some things away!)

Anne’s character is a very busy productive woman who has started a very successful internet company, and reluctantly she takes on Robert De Niro as her intern. Well he wins her over of course with his usual charm!

Sadly Robert’s character sees Anne’s screen husband cheating with another school mum. A tad cliche I know. He doesn’t share this until she blurts out her concerns on a business trip. She has known for a while but has hoped it will all go away or ‘he would get it out of his system’.

The ostrich approach rarely works.

The husband’s screen presence is that of a nice guy who has strayed out of his marriage feeling lonely in his chosen role as primary caregiver to their daughter. He comes to his own truth about what is important to him and he decides it is his wife, her having her career and him learning about what led him to step outside of his marriage and breach their marriage vows.

In the best affair apology scene ever ( please feel free to share if you have others you recommend) he confronts the situation head on.

He goes to her work and fesses up. He takes full responsibility for his actions and choices ( Note he does not blame her, her work, or the lack of time, sex or intimacy). He acknowledges the impact of his unfaithfulness on her and their marriage ( owns the consequences) and commits to change for the future of their partnership by doing what it takes to achieve a new strength in their marriage to repair this marital crisis.

I urge anyone interested in recovering from the effects and impacts of infidelity to watch this, I am sorry it may be painful and sad especially if you are newly aware. Healing can happen with help. And please tell me your memorable moments from the silver screen that have helped you. Look forward to your comments.

Call us today to find out how to repair your relationship crisis.

Philipa 0434 55 90 11 or Chris 04111 44 646

Here’s the video trailer 

Is blame helping you deal with the affair or your relationship?

It’s not unusual to feel a need to blame your ex-partner for a relationship that ended or your current spouse if there has been a breach in the relationship say in the case of an affair.

The problem with taking this position is it keeps you stuck and unable to move forward.

Blame is a negative, heavy emotion that will sink your happiness and block possibilities for recovery.

Blame keeps you connected to either the past marriage or the current hurt. It blocks healthy healing and learning.

Maybe this is sounding a little like where you are right now or you know of a good friend, your sister who’s only focus is on their partner’s wrongs ?
While they may have a good point you are past hearing about it and feel stuck and powerless also.

So what if you are ready to change and move beyond the blame cycle? Please read on by clicking here… Continue reading Is blame helping you deal with the affair or your relationship?

Discovered an affair? The Number 1 Mistake you don’t want to make

Finding out your partner has been unfaithful is a shock.
Whether you had suspicions about your mate or were completely unaware.

Don’t make the number 1 mistake by letting strong emotions rule your decisions about your marriage. Please read on to find out more. Continue reading Discovered an affair? The Number 1 Mistake you don’t want to make

Affairs happen even in the CIA!

You are not alone if you have discovered your partner has been unfaithful. Infidelity affects many couples. Watching the news, I saw General Petraeus formerly Director of the Central Intelligence Agency of the United States forced to resign after his affair became public knowledge.

Affairs cause fall out. Usually without this amount of publicity, generated by General Petraeus’s rank; however the effects of infidelity are devastating.

Without professional counselling support many people are able to struggle on and get through this.

As a trained relationship counsellor I can assist you to fast track the healing process and regain your sanity.

Breaches of trust lead people to doubting themselves and reviewing their whole life. Often the marriage or relationship had some issues, but not always. Couples can become vulnerable to a third party in their marriage at different times in a relationship.

Learn how to safeguard and protect your partnership from outside pressures and potential dangers to its security. Or rediscover each other.

Take the time here and read on how you can save your marriage or partnership today!