How to Forgive Your Spouse When You Can’t Forget

A spouse relationship can be the most intimate, warm, and beneficial relationships you ever have. However, being that close to someone inherently opens you up to heartache. Being close to someone requires vulnerability and openness. When that vulnerability and transparency are abused or betrayed, this can lead to intense pain and grief.

Grief can make you turn away but the best way to heal is to turn toward each other heartsickness-428103_1920
Grief can make you turn away but the best way to heal is to turn toward each other

However, when a relationship is worth saving , worth fighting for, (and most are people!) forgiveness and healing is the key to getting things back on track. Forgiveness can restore a broken relationship and help you find that place of happiness and harmony once again.

romance-1209046_1920 Love heals hurts - you are worth it!
Love heals hurts – you are worth it!

The problem comes when the pain and grief are still too raw. Forgiving can be extremely difficult when the hurt caused can’t be forgotten. Today, we are going to share with you ways that you can move toward a restored relationship through forgiveness, even when you can’t forget.

Begin by Believing

The first step in any significant change happens within your mindset. If you do not believe that something can happen, chances are, you will not truly invest all that you can to try and make it happen.

It is essential that you begin by believing that rebuilding is possible. Elsewhere on the MarriageWorks.com.au blog, you will find an excellent piece about this very topic.

Heal your hearts together and grow your loveHeal your hearts together and grow your love
Heal your hearts together and grow your love

They offer some much-needed hope for people struggling with reconciliation after a spouse has betrayed their trust. On their blog, they say that with professional help, reconciliation is not only possible, but it is also probable.

When you sincerely believe that something is possible, those positive thoughts will inspire positive actions. And what is rebuilding but a series of positive actions encouraged by positive thinking?

Even if rebuilding your marriage is not possible, believing that forgiveness that moving on and enjoying life again is possible will go a long way in helping you reach those goals.

Stop Trying to Forget

When a spouse hurts us, the pain can seem unbearable at times. Since they are often our closest friend, our spouse can hurt us more than anyone else. Dwelling on this pain can be extremely damaging, however trying like mad to forget can also be detrimental.

The way our brains work, trying to forget rarely works. Often, actively attempting to get rid of a memory will lead to that memory cement itself in our brains. And in the case of pain and heartache, that is the last thing that you want.

Broken hearts can be mended - take heart heart-34655_1280
Broken hearts can be mended – take heart

Sometimes people will work themselves into a rut where they try to forget; the memory comes back, they try to ignore it, the memory reasserts itself stronger yet. This leads to intense frustration and can drag out the healing process for much longer than necessary.

So, stop trying to forget. Stop focusing on the wrong and turn your attention to the things that bring you joy. The memory will fade away in time, but not if you are always trying to forget it.

Forgive for Yourself First

Forgiveness is a powerful thing. Studies have shown that people who forgive often can lead happier, healthier, and more productive, meaningful lives. Is that the kind of life you want to live? I think most of us would have to say ‘yes.’ We all want to have abundant lives that make a difference and allow us to enjoy the moments that we are here on earth.

Keep your heart open health-700672_1920
Keep your heart open

Often forgiveness is viewed as something we must do so for the benefit of the person who wronged us. However, if you shift your perspective and realize that forgiveness has perhaps more to do with your quality of life than anything else, you will begin to see that not only is forgiveness important, it is vital to you living the life that you want to live.

A life free from bitterness, a life that releases the hurt and pain, is a life that is enjoyable to live. Forgiveness is the path to this kind of life. But if you can’t forget, remember that you owe it to yourself to forgive so that you can live the best life that you possibly can.

Remember, Forgiveness is a Choice, Not a Feeling

There are many things in life that we may not feel like doing. However, we do them, knowing that they are the right thing to do. Sometimes, forgiveness is one of those things.

Forgiveness gives you true freedom to move forward and heal
Forgiveness gives you true freedom to move forward and heal.

If you are waiting for a feeling to come before you forgive, chances are you will be waiting for a long time. Instead, take the proactive approach and choose forgiveness even if you may not feel like it.

Final Thoughts

There are few things as painful as a broken relationship. However, our goal today was to provide you with some hope, knowing that forgiveness is possible.

Another thing to keep in mind is that professional guidance is sometimes needed. For most of us, this kind of heartbreak is all brand-new territory. Having someone with the experience and training to guide you through the process can make a world of difference.

 

Note: Many thanks to Danielle over at RP Emery Legal Kits for sharing these tips with us. Protecting yourself ahead of time before getting into any new relationship is always a good idea.

Togetherness side by side in your recovery journey will get you there couple-260899_1920
Togetherness side by side in your recovery journey will get you there.

Love to hear your thoughts, feelings and experiences on this topic please add comment in the box below.

 

Prepare for 10 of Life’s Unexpected Stresses

Stressful events are things that come out of the blue and knocks us for a six. Planning Plan B by Kylie Parker will help you recover from the top 10.

I am super excited to introduce you to Kylie’s fabulous book as I had a small part to play in contributing to it. I did not hesitate when Kylie asked me to write as a relationship expert to help others.

 

Planning Plan B, is written for when life’s bumps in the road through you off track. It gives you the how to get back up and running again.

Kylie consulted with experts to bring us practical, prudent and real world advice. Here you will learn from financial planners Mark Bradley and Hamish Thomson from Priority Advisory Group, Melanie McFarlane business owner, Melinda Winning family lawyer, Alan Prasad, Michael Gottlieb, Vanessa Billy, Mark Sacks, Campbell Fuller, Kate Fitzsimmons, Michael Long and myself how to be prepared for Plan B.

Planning Plan B author Kylie Parker
Planning Plan B author Kylie Parker

Kylie has taken the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scales (Holmes & Rahe, 1967)  10 stressful events and compiled a way forward when disaster strikes.

The Stressful 10 are:

1. Death

2. Death of a spouse or close family member

3. Divorce or permanent separation – without kids

4. Divorce or permanent separation – with kids

5. Disability or incapacity due to accident or illness.

6. Dismissal from employment

7. Disaster occurring whilst traveling

8. Dissolution of a business due to financial loss or unforeseen circumstances

9. Depression, mental illness or Dementia

10. Distressed sale of a home.

Life’s big things, we may never have to go through but if you do it is best to be informed. So get Plan B today!

References

Holmes, T. H., & Rahe, R. H. (1967). The social readjustment rating scale. Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 11, 213.

Want to take the Stress scale? click here Holmes Rahe Stress Inventory

Study finds couples aged 25-34 would stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children

This is what 50% of couples aged 25-34 surveyed by law firm Slater & Gordon said when asked if they would stay in an unhappy marriage with children. This study canvassed more than 2000 married and defacto couples. Interestingly only 44% of those aged 44-54 would remain married. Couples married for three to four years were the most likely to stay in the relationship. Continue reading Study finds couples aged 25-34 would stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children

The Australasian Institute of Sexual Health Medicine Conference

I had the good fortune to attend this conference on the weekend. I was lucky enough to be invited by my friend Alison Richardson who happens to be a Director of the Australasian Institute of Sexual Health Medicine (AISHM). Alison has had an illustrious career and is an experienced sexual health and relationships counsellor and educator.

Click here to read on about the topics – Sex in the Media, Men with Low Sexual Desire, Sex Addict Partners and more… Continue reading The Australasian Institute of Sexual Health Medicine Conference

4 Factors that will Kill a Relationship Dead

Psychologist and Professor Dr John Gottman has been analysing couple interactions for over 40 years in their Seattle “Love Lab“, marriage clinic.

In 1994, Dr John Gottman made this startling announcement: Through scientific observation and mathematical analysis they could predict with over 90% accuracy whether a marriage would succeed or fail.

In amongst those studies he identifed four factors that kept appearing time and again in a poisonous pattern of interaction. He called these the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Continue reading 4 Factors that will Kill a Relationship Dead

Discovered an affair? The Number 1 Mistake you don’t want to make

Finding out your partner has been unfaithful is a shock.
Whether you had suspicions about your mate or were completely unaware.

Don’t make the number 1 mistake by letting strong emotions rule your decisions about your marriage. Please read on to find out more. Continue reading Discovered an affair? The Number 1 Mistake you don’t want to make