Stop an Argument in it’s Tracks – Do This Instead

Are you feeling trapped in a cycle of negativity with you and your partner getting stuck in the same old fights. You know the ones – where you experience the loop like a noose tightening around your throat and all you can think is “here we go again”… another argument, but can’t think what to do. Well let me help you. First take a big breath and take a time out. Stop and use it.

This can be a chance for change.

Money struggles are no fun
Money is the number cause of arguments! Budget today.

At this stage you are at a choice point. Decide to act in the old routine, with typically the same dance steps.

You know how that pans out right? I’d guess you can cake walk the outcome with your eyes closed. Play with me do it on your own now. Not great huh?

Or  you can choose a new move.

Here’s an option for variety, which I call taking a turn down memory lane. It involves purposeful distraction. Parent’s are the master of directing children’s attention to away from distress – simply get them to focus on something else and look at you. New stimulation, different mood equals peace for you, sigh of relief. You remind them of the fun time they had playing soccer or whatever it was they enjoy doing.

I was coaching a husband the other day.  He wanted to break out of the old habits of relating to his wife. So I suggested my distraction technique, which is really using Resource Therapy’s powerful methods for change. It’s so simple and yet effective.

Turn the corner today and stop an argument. Make a time later for serious discussion.
Turn the corner today and stop an argument. Make a time later for serious discussion.

I call it –Take a turn down into Memory Lane.

This is where it’s time to stroll back in history.  Where you get to go to those earlier days in dating relationship, remember we used to call in courting. The idea is to foster a reconnection with your past successes – as The Cars sang “Let the good times roll.”

Recreate an old vision renewed to enliven your marriage
Recreate an old vision renewed to enliven your marriage.

You are going for the treasure pot of gold. It’s not at the end of the rainbow but at the beginning of your partnership.

Actually it’s any time you felt warm, loved, connected and light being in each others presence. Where you are delighted and so are they. The happy relaxed carefree times. Not suprising it’s often pre-kids!

You reminisce on the first holiday, kiss, date, your proposal or walking down the aisle staring with hope and joy into each others eyes. Whatever the time was where you were really into each other, feeling connected and cared for. Those love drugs where pumping. We want to bring this back into sharp focus.

What fun was it to play in the sand, laughing and joking around!
How much fun was it to play in the sand, laughing and joking around?!

They don’t call it re-membering for nothing!

Here you are bringing out your partner’s Loving Resource state, the part of their personality which enjoys you and their choice of  spouse. And you are also bringing forth the same part which found them cute and fun to be with.

The way you do this is to really paint the picture, describe the time of day, where you were, the surroundings, the sounds, the sensations, images and warm emotions. Keep doing this until your spouse joins in and you see the light in their eyes, the softness in their voice and gentleness in their features. Play with it. Get some serious fun happening.

It’s so simple.

The only proviso is it must only be happy times with nothing negative attached. Now if things have been rough recently you may need to be tenacious and keep reaching.

All I need to do with Chris is say remember what fun we had Bali?  What great meals we had there. Bali is where we took our first overseas holiday and it was magical, it still is a favourite destination.

A beautiful Bali smile from our first trip there
A beautiful Bali smile from our first trip there.

Then I say how good was our first night’s dinner at the Cafe Wayan in Ubud?

Yummy dinner at a Warung in Bali
Yummy dinner at a Warung in Bali.

What did you have again? You see Chris enjoys his food and if I get him talking about something delicious I can almost see him drool. His eyes get a dreamy look – I can see he is back there in the warm glades, hearing the tinkle of the music.

Having this conversation about our shared joy makes us closer and brings out the loving parts of us. It sets us up for a great night.

So do yourself a favour and take a walk down memory lane today. And you needn’t wait to use it to staunch an argument. Practice it prior. Use it any time you want to feel connected and inspire love. with your partner.

Please tell me your thoughts on this technique and even better how it went for you. Love to hear your experiences, so please share.

With love and healing
With love and healing

Husbands Who Help Get More Bedroom Action Study Finds

Cloth Clips Alessandra Favetto alessandrafavetto.com
Research shows men – more chores you do, more sex you get. Photo credit: Alessandra Favetto, Spain

This morning I spoke to John Stanley and Garry Linnell of 2UE’s breakfast show on this very topic – the division of labour in the household. Interestingly Garry said he actually does most of the housework.

He is more enlightened than most, as around 70% of household duties in a partnership are still performed by women.

Research to the rescue, guys – Neil Chethik’s study VoiceMale: What husbands really think about their marriages, their wives, sex, housework and commitment found the more housework husbands did, the more sex they were having with their wives. De Facto couples do not despair, as I imagine similar correlations are apparent as men perform more household duties – please let me know if this is the case.

Curious to think what may be behind this? Perhaps as women are freed up from the kitchen sink it brings out their wild side. Or they may have more energy to offer up in the bedroom?

So guys the sum of this is the more chores you, do the more sex you will get!

Read on for help if you are stuck in a hopeless battle in the chore wars in your relationship.  Continue reading Husbands Who Help Get More Bedroom Action Study Finds

Sexual Jealousy poisons relationships

My friend Matty Silver an experienced sex therapist recently wrote about the toxicity of sexual jealousy in The Beast (a magazine distributed in Bondi, Clovelly, Randwick and Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs).

If it is not dealt with immediately it will slowly poison the relationship and can harm all parties involved.

Jealousy and envy generally stem from a very fragile place where a person feels vulnerable and insecure. It is an immature emotional response more suited to a three-year-old.

You can’t let a three-year-old part dictate your life and control things, it’s not very attractive for your or your significant others. Get help to move beyond the hurt and heal what informs this.

Sex therapy in combination with marital counselling offer you the skills and ability to fully embrace life and the relationship you deserve, begin it now by making the call to a couples therapist near you today.

The Australasian Institute of Sexual Health Medicine Conference

I had the good fortune to attend this conference on the weekend. I was lucky enough to be invited by my friend Alison Richardson who happens to be a Director of the Australasian Institute of Sexual Health Medicine (AISHM). Alison has had an illustrious career and is an experienced sexual health and relationships counsellor and educator.

Click here to read on about the topics – Sex in the Media, Men with Low Sexual Desire, Sex Addict Partners and more… Continue reading The Australasian Institute of Sexual Health Medicine Conference