The best thing you can do for your relationship health and well being is to come in early. Relationships can be repaired. It is so much easier and quicker to learn new ways or communicating and relating before hard core patterns of hurt set in. Waiting for change won’t work and the alternative where there is a breakdown or a crisis like an affair will double or even treble the time, energy and money you will have to channel into your couple therapy.
Not only does all the research confirm this commonsense tells you the truth here. Come in before your spouse says they don’t love you or it’s over.
Why wait for that pain?
Perhaps you have already heard those words. Come in and improve your partnership today I have a quick 4 minute video here encouraging you to take action and save yourself heartache and pain plus money !
You want this to be a beautiful version of your future – look at this couple.
Welcome to May! Here in Sydney it’s Autumn and the darkness comes early. We’ve been blessed with lovely weather and sunny days as we have had Easter and Anzac Day to honour our war veterans.
This month I have been inspired to offer you the opportunity to say no to negativity in your relationship. As John Gottman -a legend in marital research and divorce saving techniques rightly points out criticism is toxic in partnershps and they believe it takes a 5:1 ratio of good comments to over come one negative one.
So give yourself a break and make it Zero! If you find yourself complaining remind yourself of what you are truly grateful in your marriage. For me I look at Chris and I feel gratitude at having a life companion, someone I enjoy spending time with. He’s a good kind husband.
So take the month of May Relationship Challenge and join me for Zero Negativity and increased positivity!
Love to hear your thoughts, ask your partner to join you or be a solo leader in deed. Please pass on the help by sharing.
As conscious beings with active minds we tend to think a good deal. Sometimes that thinking becomes excessive or obsessive – we worry. These are the what if’s. If onlys. You know those thoughts that just won’t quit. Worry.
Worrying a touch is normal in fact it can even motivate us to learn or keep us safe. It can act as a protective mechanism. We would have needed it for our survival once upon a time.
It’s when the worry has you trapped in a vicious cycle of procrastination, or frozen that it becomes annoying. I know I live with a certain amount of worry – I know it’s a good part of me trying to help and usually letting me know there is a need of mine not being met. A need to feel safe, be known or to be free.
Worry is at it’s heart anxiety provoking – we are living in an anxious world. A parents this is heightened with all potential threats out there – yet we must allow our children to breathe, learn explore and gain their confidence over time with our trust in them and ourselves.
We don’t want our kids ot be victims of worry. In The Heart of Man Dr Eric Fromm tells how a mothers conceren with only predicting negative outcomes for her child’s future and not noticing their success, he says ” She does not harm the child in any obvious way, yet she may slowly strangle his joy in life.”
Of course any caregiver could be substituted there. We must not smother our child’s natural growth.
Luckily treatment is available. Therapy is always a good option to deal with this part of you that may have been on duty for a long time. Resource Therapy has powerful techniques that work directly with this part to tap into it’s usefulness and find an alternative.
The good thing about therapy is it doesn’t have any medical side effects. As we know the antidote to anxiety is to take action. Say yes today!
Hello and welcome to April, we here in Australia are starting to notice it’s darker earlier and the sun rises later for our autumn. In Japan it’s spring time the magical bursting forth of sakura -cherry blossoms.
This month I am inspired by the movie starring Jim Carey – The Yes Man. Jim plays a negative nelson saying no to everything. He has an awakening at a self help seminar and starts saying yes a 100 percent of the time. He gets a promotion, he gets the girl and we get some laughs along the way.
So I want to challenge you to say YES! With enthusiasm, and guilt free. The only proviso is it must do no harm to either yourself or your loved ones. I know you know what I mean. Act out of your integrity and values. We know from the tons of research out there in positive psychology having a positive mental attitude allows us to be bold and blossom like the cherry blooms.
So the monthly April challenge is for you to say Yes and apply this yes in your relationships.
So if your spouse asks you to clear the table, you say Yes wholeheartedly and do it. This will be especially powerful if you say yes and have taken a while to follow through in the past.
If your partner wants intimacy – respond affirmatively bring in enthusiasm and gain stress relief and aliveness in your marriage.
When your children ask for help on their homework respond with yes and go straight to their side. No excuses really show up. You don’t need to know exactly what to do but be present and work together. Valuable.
With the Yes you have to make the action to back yourself up.
Join us in the Monthly Challenge – begin with your first Yes today.
Love to hear your experience, ideas and feedback on your progress, I will check in.
Please leave a comment and why not share this with your partner or a friend.
I have had this very question a lot. So I have recorded a video here for all you LRTer’s. This is especially for those of you who are experiencing the distress of separation and want to make a good go at repair.
Hi there Philipa here, as the March monthly challenge nears to an end I wanted to check in. Recall I encouraged you to learn your partners connection vocabulary? The goal was to discover their two favourite dialects and speak their mother tongue.
I have been both slack and had the opportunity. Chris’s birthday is in March. He got the presents he asked for and more. I know he loves receiving a birthday card – in the mail. So I made sure I posted it in time for him to get to the letterbox. I spoke gifting.
He was great in that he told me what he wanted. You can’t expect your partner to read your mind. That’s a total set-up for let down. He let me know in advance what gifts he wanted, where he wanted to celebrate and even the cake he wanted. He is a darling! I talked actions of service and gifting.
His other language words of affirmation I was not so great on. Writing this column reminds me.
A quick reminder of the 5 Love actions:
Words of Affirmation.
Acts of Service
Love to hear how your Love patter went with your partner. Did you notice your spouse responding? Perhaps it felt good to give? Comment below and I will respond. Thanks for taking the time to read. Philipa
Have you ever felt stuck in a rut? Your alarm propels you out of bed at 6.30, you jump in the shower and get dressed then head off to work. You peck your partners cheek running to catch the bus. It’s still dark, autumn is looming.
Routine equates to boredom and this is no where more evident than in a relationship. We are beings who are drawn to novelty – evidence suggests that’s how affairs can start.
How would it be to bring back that spark of joy from the early days of your partnership? Remember the times you spent having fun and sharing the adventure of each other.
And the first day of March is a fine day to do it! Of course any day that brings you and your spouse closer by your actions is a winner!
Recall Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages:
Words of Affirmation. Use your words to build your partner up. Praise them for being them. Here’s my suggestion : I admire you…. add your insider knowledge of your partner’s special talents and thought actions. Verbalize ( text is OK for now but I want you to repeat it in face to face) your magical feelings for both you and your partners benefit.
Gifts. A well chosen gift can be super touching to your mate. It shows you know them intimately and you were thinking of her or him. Watch the ahh in your partners face. Again it’s a win/ win for your connection. Flowers are the fallback here. This love language is related back to our hunter gatherer days.
Acts of Service.Doing something for your spouse that you know they will truly resonate with. Guys for a lot of women that is going to be you bringing in the laundry, jumping up to clear the table, getting in the laundry and washing dishes. Oh how I adore Chris for slaying those dust bunnies with Rowenta our French vacuum cleaner. When I come home I feel a sense peace has been restored in my world, thanks to my thoughtful husband. Aaahhh. Smiley Face.
Quality Time. Focus your love spotlight on your lover! Turn the TV off, phones on silent and check in to your other half. Look them in the eye, ask them how their day was and let them see you lean in to be super present. A tiny 15 minute investment will pay massive dividends, if your partners love vocabulary is Quality Time. The secret is undivided attention to your lovemate.
Physical Touch. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, sex or the squeeze of a partner’s shoulder gently as you pass are all physical expressions of love.
Know the real magic happens when you start giving your partner their gift in their desired love language.
Think back in your marriage and get a sense of what your partner primarily responds to. Identify which of the five Love Languages calls their heart towards you. Choose one or if you are an overachiever two to inspire your love.
Does their face light up as you walk in the door with flowers and tickets to a show? Or do they put the bouquet down and reach to pull you close? Maybe they tell you they’d like to spend more time with you. Or you have heard how good a they are at affirming you or the children. You will see a theme and know.
When you speak your lovers code they will feel closer and more engaged in your relationship.
I want to stress it’s a gift, so drop any expectations of a return. Otherwise you will likely struck with a slap of ouch by the disappointment Panda. I am riffing off Mark Manson’s book – The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck a counter-intuitive approach to living a good live. There’s a gift if they like presents and are a reader.
Decide to be generous as you refresh your relationship from the first of the Month.
I would like you to do this as if you are an undercover agent. It’s OK if you get found out, just no letting the cat out of the bag so to speak. Your special person must experience this as a gift. So let them unwrap your present.
Repetition and reinforcement gets results. Maybe you could keep it up for the whole of March, as we know sustained action encourages results. A daily dose of love, what could be better?
So join the Marriage Works Monthly Challenge – learn your partners number 1 and 2 love language and become a love whisperer.
I’d truly love to hear your experience, what you did, what worked, what tanked and how you felt? So please post your results and reflections. I will respond to you. Drop comment in the box below as your wisdom helps others. Thank You!
Welcome to the New Year, already a few days in and I am still in holiday mode, so have been relaxing and enjoying a rest. I do hope you and your loved ones are recharging.
Its got a revitalizing feel to it 2019. I am still formulating this years plan. It will include taking Resource Therapy to London, England, a wedding in Suffolk and our annual trip to Bali. Yay!
So excited, we have booked our tickets back to New Zealand, for my Aunt Judy and Uncle Robin’s 50th wedding anniversary their golden anniversary. They are babies though in the longevity stakes – My Aunty Faye and Carl are the leaders coming in for their diamond jubilee – 60th wedding anniversary. Diamonds come from the Greek word adamas which means unconquerable and enduring. So right on all counts.
Longevity in relationships does matter. It’s no wonder I came up with the name marriage works. Both Chris and I come from a long line of stayers in that department. And why we want to help others in their relationship dilemma’s.
We had a beautiful relaxed New Years eve enjoying the company of good friends old and new. Watching the glorious Sydney harbor fireworks display come midnight. There was champagne, a small feast and dancing!
We hope you had a lovely start to the year. It felt special as our first Christmas as husband and wife. Sending all those first Christmas holiday season mothers, fathers and spouses my very best wishes. Super special!
Thanks ever so much to all our clients and supporters of Marriage Works in 2018. We really appreciate you and love hearing from you. Blessings and wishing you an awe inspiring start to 2019.
I want to share something personal – this is a huge thing for me to put on the website being a very private person. Yet I am a great believer in being real and honest. Chris and I went through some tough times earlier this year. We had come to a place of separation.
It was over as we were wanting different things from the relationship.
I am traditional and believe in the institution of Marriage – hence the name Marriage Works – right! Of course you can be totally committed partners without it. I am no Marriagist. Chris having been divorced was not bothered by matrimony.
I am glad to say we did work things through and are happily back together in a more powerful and deeper connection than ever.
Plus we got married on November 3rd 2018, a happy day all round!
What helped was us going and seeing a couple therapist and working through our sticking points. Being a client and learning about myself has always improved my therapy game. I could not believe how anxious I was going to every appointment. I definitely have a bucket load more compassion having had the counseling experience. Our good therapist really turned things around. Thank you!
Brenda and Peter hold these workshops in Sydney, Melbourne and Auckland New Zealand. In the weekend we learnt so much about each other and it offered us a way forward in hope with our love.
I am passionate about couples learning to connect and heal this can happen in the therapy room. The bonus is you get to take the learning and techniques into your life.
Using it as a therapy tool I have seen partner’s change in 90 minutes as they see and get their spouses angst in a hearfelt way. It’s different to the old ways of communicating which lead to hopelessness and desperation.
I recommend it to all my couples and friends! It is coming very soon 8/9 December so give your self the best gift every – a healthier, happier relationship for the two of you.
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