I have a quick video for you where I share one of our take-home tasks in couples therapy. It’s 3 minutes of positivity directed toward your partner.
This is so important, as we need to build up the emotional good will. Most of us focus on the problems. Which seems like the best thing to do and there definitely is a time and place for that.
Most of us need to regroup and remember the good things. Especially in this Covid world. Gratitude and acknowledgement supports our immune system. Plus it feels better ! So here is a quick guide to the three key skills of Imago – Mirroring, Validation and Empathising. With the daily positivity practice of three minutes a day and sharing that. Love to know how you go, please drop me note below.
My amazing friend and brilliant therapist Michele Weiner-Davis ( Yes a bit of hero worship here!) has brought us the Last Resort Technique (LRT). This is when your spouse says the dreaded “D” word, divorce.
I see some common misapprehensions on the LRT. So I will put up a wee refresher here.
The three steps are
Get a Life.
And once you are working this then, how you might respond :
Be loving in return, but not overly excited or enthusiastic.
Accept some invitations to spend time together, but not all.
Accept all Family time invites. Your spouse seeing you having fun with your kids together reminds them of the value of family. You are a parent forever.
Do not ask any questions about your future together.
Be vague when asked questions about the changes in you. Say that you are just thinking things through. Live the shift.
Continue to be upbeat.
Do not say, “I love you.”
Resist getting in the conversation about your relationship.
Get a head start and beat your spouse to the punch when it comes time to leave or separate from each other at the end of an activity. You set the tone for going your separate ways.
As a rule of thumb, be responsive to your partner’s interest but not too responsive. Going overboard will lead your partner to get cold feet. Be warned.
So, stay interested, but cool in a self-possessed manner, (not icy though, as that will send mixed messages) until you are absolutely convinced that your partner’s renewed interest in saving your marriage has taken hold.
Good luck, dear hearts.
Know I am thinking of you all and wishing you well.