Last updated on July 10th, 2021 at 10:49 am
The Last Resort Technique from the book, The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis, adapted by Philipa Thornton.
When your partner has dropped the proverbial bombshell, “I want a divorce,” you need to move past the devastation into action after the shell shock is over. The Last Resort Technique has been developed by Divorce Busting amazon Michele Weiner-Davis to save your marriage, your sanity, or both.
If you are at the place where you have got nothing to lose, give it a go. If your friend is sharing their sadness and hopelessness with you and needs help with their marriage, please pass this relationship advice on.
The Last Resort Technique
OK, so you have tried everything, exhausted all your options, and feel hopeless and even helpless. Now it is time to use the Last Resort Technique to save your marriage. This relationship boot camp comes with a warning – this is a LAST RESORT.
This needs to start immediately if:
- Your spouse has said in no uncertain terms that they want a divorce and it feels like they mean it. (This can’t be empty words, spoken in anger during a fight.)
- You and your spouse are living apart.
- You and your spouse are in the same house but are like ships passing in the night with very little interaction. You may be in separate rooms, hardly speaking with little or no sexual contact.
- You have the divorce papers in front of you.
Your marriage is at a crisis point. While divorce rates are high, there are relationships that can still survive this vulnerable time and you don’t have to be another statistic. Those rates don’t tell the story of all the many people who beat the odds.
Hold onto the hope I give you here, please!
While no technique is guaranteed to work, there is always some benefit to taking positive action. It’s definitely worth a crack!
I have worked with many clients who were on the brink or in the trauma of an affair. Usually, only one partner is in favour of a divorce and the other spouse who made the call to me is the one who desperately wants to stay together.
If you happen to be the spouse who is keen on holding onto your marriage, it is highly probable that you are not in your usual state of mind and are acting in desperate ways. This very behaviour that you keep doing pushes your partner further away (you are aware of it, but can’t seem to help it!). You have chased, cajoled, reasoned, begged, pleaded, railed, guilt-tripped, and implored your partner to no avail.
All the phone calls, text messages, letters, emails, and heart and gut-wrenching pleas have failed. You sense that your spouse is out the door and a part of you recognises the attempts are felt by him or her as pressure. They will dig their heels in insisting that the marriage is over, and this may prompt another wave of fear and you to chase even more.
It is the effects of this pursuing and chasing that are DEADLY to a marriage.
Blind Freddy can see this is not working. In fact, if you keep pushing your husband or wife, you will be driving them right out the door. As I said, there is a part of you that knows this. But this fearful, scared, vulnerable part of you is making the wrong decisions and making you appear completely desperate and unwelcoming.
Of course, you need to honor the fragile part of you that is in pain and wants to cling on. It is human nature – we all want to hold onto something that is important and dear to us. However, the flip side to our humanity and animal instinct is, the party being chased or even hunted down will feel the need to escape when you coerce or pressure in response to feeling trapped.
If you are truly serious about saving your marriage, you have to stop pursuing. Now!
When you chase your partner, your partner will feel hunted and you become a point of danger on a primal level. What also happens is, the troubles in your failing marriage and eroding family get lost, as you become the vector for anger and hurt.
You see it – your spouse gets frustrated and angry, and the best way for them to deal with this annoyance is to get rid of it. This means their focus shifts to how they can get away from YOU! It is surprising but it is the reality, this will really connect with the part of you that can hear reason.
Indeed, your very persistence is robbing your spouse of valuable time to think about what else is really going on in your life.
People start to do an amazing reframe here and I often hear spouses wondering aloud with things like, “I am not sure I ever really loved him or her.” This is basically due to the suffocation the spouse feels. It becomes a survival issue and you are the danger they need to escape from.
When we are in survival mode, we will go into flight or fight mode. Usually, partners go into anger and aggressiveness (or worse, pity) towards their spouse as a distancing move and part of separating from the distressing situation. When this happens, the angry part blocks any other feelings, like sadness, grief, guilt, and remorse that might cause some reflection and actually help your cause.
With your mate staring angrily at you, what opportunity do they get to look in the mirror, reflect, and take some responsibility for your marital breakdown?
Option A – Keep doing what you are doing and get the same results.
Option B – Quit supplying you wife or husband with a reason to leave.
Oh if it were only that easy. I am asking you to stop doing the very thing that keeps the feeling of powerlessness and helplessness temporarily at bay. But you have to stop this harmful pattern today. I repeat – stop it now, right this very minute.
I am going to give you a specific guide how to stop the landslide of desolation in your marriage today.
Here is your action plan based on The Last Resort Technique:
1. STOP Chasing!
Immediately cease anything that your spouse might look at as pursuing behavior.
This means stopping anything that would be perceived by your spouse as your way of chasing him or her, such as:
- Frequent phone calls, texts, or emails
- Begging your spouse to reconsider
- Describing all the good in your marriage
- Writing letters
- Following your mate around the house (or anywhere – this is stalking!)
- Encouraging talk about the future
- Asking for reassurances
- Buying gifts or flowers
- Planning holidays or trips away together
- Trying to schedule dates together
- Spying on your spouse, keeping tabs on their calls, movements, and work arrangements
- Talking to friends and family about what to do
Stop saying “I love you.” This is essential.
It seems counterintuitive – “How will they know?” I get it, but even though this will be hard, know that every time you say “I love you,” your spouse is reminded that they don’t love you and will be looking the other way!
Scary huh? That is why it is imperative to silence the “I Love You’s”. You already feel how disheartening it is to hear their resigned response of “I know” or worse, still silence. Or the ouch that goes with “I love you, but I am not in love with you.” It hurts, doesn’t it? So, stop the chase.
2. Get a Life.
What happens in a crisis like separation is, we become desperate, clingy, and depressed. You are in tears often, mope around sadly, lose interest in things you used to enjoy, and basically become lifeless as the fearful or rejected part of you shuts you down as a means to cope. Of course, it is normal to feel all those feelings and shut down or want to ease the hurt.
The loss of a loved one and witnessing the falling apart of your family are the most painful times you can ever experience. The separation anxiety and desperation are an ugly place to be in for both of you and for others to see. You will feel and look unattractive – not one of us will be at our best here.
Now, if your relationship has had the trauma of a full blown sexual affair or emotional infidelity, you are competing with not only the fantasy of an ideal life without problems but a person that is in the opposite space of distressed.
Hard to hear, but reality hurts and I say this to the part of you who knows how to pick yourself up after a fall and dust yourself off. Awareness helps and heals.
Here you need to act as if you are moving forward in your life and getting on with it. Otherwise, you better quit now.
Of course, it may seem like I am suggesting an impossibility – get happy, be strong, get back into life, and develop your confidence. You are asking yourself, “How can I do this when I feel like crap, I can hardly function, it’s a miracle getting out of bed each day, and things are horrible at home?” Good question. Obviously, these are normal feelings and you are reacting as any normal person would in such devastating circumstances.
I want to ask you – Is that the core of you? The real you? Or the hurt, scared or angry part getting all the air time?
Because I believe that in the heart of you, your true essence, there is a trooper. That’s right! A part of you at the core can survive this – a part much stronger, mature, more confident, and wiser in dealing with tough situations.
Can I get you to take a moment to get in touch with that part of you right now?
Ask yourself (and you can even write this list down to remind yourself as you come home to yourself), “What was it about ME that my partner was attracted to in the first place?” Allow yourself to remember and really connect to those wonderful parts of yourself.
This is the person your partner fell in love with.
Each of those parts (for reference, please look up Official Resource Therapy Institute for a full description) on your list are valued by your partner but have been sidelined by the hurt and angry parts, whose job is to defend you from attack and the absolute hell you are going through now. Please allow those parts some more air time and a chat with the part of you that is angry, scared, and hurt to negotiate a better way forward.
You are in danger when acting in the victim role of getting typecast and truly become the martyr. Reclaim your life today by reconnecting with your whole self.
Starting Today:
- Immediately start doing things that are out of character to the way you have been acting lately. Move beyond helplessness into action and power.
- Allow your mood to be more upbeat in your spouse’s presence.
- Appear pleased with yourself and your own life.
- On phone conversations, sound content, even bubbly. Don’t sit around waiting for your spouse to call. Get out and do things. Start a new hobby – rock-climbing, tango dancing, needlepoint, ice-skating, and movies. Get busy.
- Start to be unpredictable. Let calls go to voicemail. If you’ve always tried to engage your partner in conversation when they call, visit, or go home, be scarce and short on words.
- Take up opportunities offered by your partner for family time, gracefully, with no expectation of any further.
- Be a great Co-parent no matter what, your kids didn’t choose this.
- If you were in the habit of being detective and grilling your spouse about their whereabouts, ask nothing. Simply wish your partner a good time.
In short, you need to make your partner think you have had an AWAKENING and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
This doesn’t mean you are nasty, angry, or even cold. Reread this point and lock it in Eddy!
It is simply a case of pulling back and waiting to see if your spouse notices and, more importantly, realises what they will be missing.
Be warm and friendly.
Remember this point: Backing off increases your chances of your spouse becoming more interested in you, if you ease off and start doing your own thing.
Noone likes being put under pressure and that’s most likely part of the old relationship pattern.
Another important reason for “getting a life” is, you have stopped having fun and doing things that give you pleasure. At times, we all need to be reminded to find out what makes us feel good in a healthy, respectful way. Find your joy!
Taking care of yourself is one of the best things you can do for yourself and your relationships. Focus on becoming a better person.
Go back to old interests, church, synagogue, or the library. Join a new class at the community college. Play an instrument or get lessons. Contact some old friends, pick up the phone, and connect. Visit a family member. Rise at dawn, go for a walk and watch the sunset. Read poetry, listen to music, play golf, go fishing, camping, do YOGA, go running, or star gazing. Join a meet-up group, go walking, cycling, get a massage, a haircut, find a personal trainer, and get therapy for support.
Do things that will help you get back in touch with yourself, not just because your spouse might like you more if you do (in fact people have a weird sixth sense when things are not genuine) but because it is important to honor, value, and love yourself in a caring healthy and nurturing manner.
You DESERVE it. I know you are worth it.
3. Wait and Watch
According to Michele Weiner-Davis, one of three things will happen when you use her Last Resort Technique:
First, Nothing.
Unfortunately, there are times when the universe just says no and, no matter what you do, your spouse has shut the door on your marriage. It needs to be said that there is no magic bullet. Sometimes, life is just really unfair and we don’t get the things we most want.
Despite not having been able to save your marriage, there will be a secondary gain from applying the Last Resort in your life – you will have recovered yourself and your emotional well-being.
At the very least, you will have gotten back your DIGNITY. Step 2 gives you a plan of action and the part that feels lost and out of control will benefit.
Your self-worth will be in a much better place, allowing you to feel more prepared to take on whatever comes your way. A good point to take on even though it is not easy to hear.
Michele also notes two other responses you might see in your spouse:
The second possible response from your mate is, they become curious.
They might start showing more interest in you, your whereabouts, and what you are doing in your life. Your husband or wife may even suggest that you spend more time together to talk or do something enjoyable. They may also start asking you a lot of questions about these sudden changes.
Listen up: Here’s Michele’s advice if any of these begin to happen:
- Be loving in return, but not overly excited or enthusiastic.
- Accept some invitations to spend time together, but not all.
- Accept all Family time invites. Your spouse seeing you having fun with your kids together reminds them of the value of family.
- Do not ask any questions about your future together.
- Be vague when asked questions about the changes in you. Say that you are just thinking things through. Live the shift.
- Continue to be upbeat.
- Do not say, “I love you.”
- Resist getting in the conversation about your relationship.
- Get a head start and beat your spouse to the punch when it comes time to leave or separate from each other at the end of an activity. You set the tone for going your separate ways.
- As a rule of thumb, be responsive to your partner’s interest but not too responsive. Going overboard will lead your partner to get cold feet. Be warned.
So, stay interested, but cool in a self-possessed manner, (not icy though, as that will send mixed messages) until you are absolutely convinced that your partner’s renewed interest in saving your marriage has taken hold.
If you are excited about this technique and it is working for you, share it with a friend or write it down, add your comments to the blog, but don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. Tell us here, we would love to hear from you.
Once you feel absolutely sure this is so, you can test the waters by becoming more obvious about your desire to stay together. Patience wins out.
Try discussing your future and see what happens.
If your partner is receptive, move forward slowly and begin to tackle the issues that drove you apart in the first place.
If on the flip side you are met with any resistance or reluctance, do a reverse and backpedal quick smart.
Go back to your interested but distant stance until things move forward in a more positive direction. This may take a whole lot longer than you would like – weeks or many months.
You must be patient. Wait until your spouse appears to be a little interested rather than pulling away – you will know when it’s real. While it is tough for the marriage (and you!) to be in this holding pattern, it’s ok. Trying to save your marriage is the most important thing that is happening in your life right now.
Be compassionate and hold onto yourself, even when the scared part of you wants you to act out or the excited part wants to whoop for joy.
The third possibility is probably the least likely, but these outcomes do on occasion happen: The overnight change of heart by your spouse.
They might lose all thoughts of divorce and jump right back into the relationship as if nothing has happened. While rare, this DOES happen.
Michele gives some great advice:
- Don’t move too quickly. I liken it to the Latin adage, festina lente, which means “to make haste slowly”.
- It is vital for you to pace yourself. If you act as if nothing happened between the two of you, then it is only a matter of time before your spouse will have second thoughts about his or her decision.
- You didn’t get into the place of relationship breakdown overnight. Much as you would like to forget that it ever happened, you won’t get back on track overnight.
- If you’re separated, don’t jump right back into being together.
- Once you have your partner’s attention and you sense a real commitment to working things out, you will need to take further steps toward making your marriage a healthier and happier place.
I would suggest The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis, where the Last Resort Technique has been adapted for this article. Truly great advice from couples expert Michele of www.divorcebusting.com.
Therapy helps you to heal both the wounds of the separation and the causes of what has lead up to it.
Find a marriage-friendly health professional to help coach you into the next level of intimacy. Couples Therapy can really fast-track healing and growth opportunities.
A word of caution about sex: Have it! We are only talking about sexual encounters that are initiated by your spouse. Enjoy the moment. With a sexual connection, our bonding hormones are released – oxytocin. Use it.
*Warning! Please do not read anything more into your intimate moment than a happy event. Do not go overboard or start laying down expectations about your partner. Keep doing the Last Resort.
Good luck and it’s not over till it’s over!
We welcome your comments and experiences. Please share here, you are not alone. I personally answer every comment received and there are over 1000 folks experiences on applying the Last Resort here on the Blog
Thank you! Philipa, yours in Service.
Hello again,
I just wanted to give you an update on whats been happening so far. When my husband had left I started doing the LRT and began to feel a lot happier and more myself than I have been in a long time! Whenever I happened to see my husband or he came to get clothes from the house etc I put all of the LRT into action and he began to get curious! He asked to come over to just “talk” and would ask me a million questions about how I was, what ive been doing and being really nice. He wanted to know everything! I said to myself that this LRT thing is really working for me!
It had been 3 weeks since he originally left and he came over one night after work and needed to talk and told me that one of his close family members has a life threatening illness which he only found out about 5 days ago! He was devastated! (This was around the time that he started getting curious about me and acted as though things had changed) . He wanted to come back into the house and sleep on the couch one night which he did and then has stayed ever since. He has been back in the house for about a week now and he was acting as though nothing happened- as though he never left and said all of those heart breaking things to me. He didnt bring up anything about us and I just felt in a strange limbo!
I ended up bringing up some things and we talked about EVERYTHING! I was afraid that he only came back because of this family members illness and he wanted support etc He said that that wasnt the reason that he came back but it did put things into perspective for him and made him think about what he was doing opposed to him realising latern. It was like he did a 180 and has flipped everything around just like that! We discussed our individual issues and our issues together that need to be worked on in order for this to work and agreed that we would see how we go. I told him that I feel like we need to go back to beings friends first to rebuild our relationship because after whats happened I cant emotionally just flip it all back like he did. He is having a hard time understanding this and I feel he needs to be more patient and realise it is going to take a while to rebuild the trust back. He has said that he feels I am not as affectionate anymore etc but its only because I am trying to protect myself and I am scared to throw myself 100% back into it because I just think what if he decides if things get hard later which they probably will with kids or just life then will he just freak out again and leave. This is what I am struggling with at the moment. Any thoughts would be great!
Thanks 🙂
Dear Leah, thanks ever so much for your update!
You have got the spirit of the LRT perfectly – this sums it up “When my husband had left I started doing the LRT and began to feel a lot happier and more myself than I have been in a long time!…He asked to come over to just “talk” and would ask me a million questions about how I was, what ive been doing and being really nice. He wanted to know everything! I said to myself that this LRT thing is really working for me!”
You might even care to share here, how well you made it work for you, what you found most helpful to hearten others, that would be wonderful and isnpiriing indeed. Well done!
From your email there seems to be an open discussion where you a both listening and hearing each others issues in useful way.
Naturally a part of you has pulled back, however you cannot lead the need to protect yourself be a barrier to the relationship growth and strengthening. I am not saying you need to trust him over night, but you do need to take a risk and jump back into the relationship from a place of knowing your own power and strength. You can certainly trust yourself to handle things no matter if your husband even lsightly gets cold feet. Keep doing the lookin gafter yourself part of the LRT full time.
Now is the opportunity in time and is do suggest a good marital therapist will fast track this to future proof your relationship, when you have children and all that life offers.
Please give as much as you can, I doubt any gives 100% all of the time anyway!
Talking openly and being vulnerable will help. If you share your fears in a clear and honest way, it is amazing what an intimacy builder this is. You can be real, open and safe.
That is a key ingredient to success whatever the outcome.
Thanks again for sharing Leah!
Hi Philipa
I am having a hard time and wanting to know if this work in the instance of my husband suffering severe depression and anxiety.
2 months ago i found out my husband had an affair for 8 months and am extremely devastated and hurt.
He has been suffering on and off for a while and quite bad the for the last 12 months. I have done everything to try and help and finally started to get help.
I feel like i cant do any of this anymore and just dont if it can be saved. He doesnt want to be in our house and is very anxious and frustrated when is. Its seems to be only me that he doesnt want to be around. He wont talk to me so i dont know whats going on or why he had an affair.
I myself am getting frustrated even more than i get emotional, hurt amd angry and then we fight (or me so more). I dont know what else to do and wondering if this is worth trying, especially since i am and left feeling like a single mother to 3 children (1 young as 16months) and a house maid/his mother.
He doesnt want to talk to doctors and he feels this is making things worse and is feeling forced to do so.
Please help and any advice would be greatful
Dear Hopeful,
Yes I do think this will be helpful. Especially in helping you take care of you.
The LRT is at it’s heart about getting you back your dignity.
By taking care of you, others will see you respecting yourself.
I can hear your despair. I am glad you have gotten help, I think this is an emergency for you – a self care emergency.
When we are living with someone who is anxious, depresssed or more often than not both, it’s not easy. This is wy you must do the LRT.
So channel your energy back into rescuing you with loads of love and compassion.
My advice would be to stop telling your partner that you think they are anxious, depressed and need to go to a DR or anything that sounds like this. This will give your husband the opportunity to start to look at himself rather than defend himself. This is vital.
From your email you are not at a place to discuss and repair from the affair yet. Instead do the LRT 100%.
Reread it and make it your daily guide and go for it hopeful!
Wishing you all the best and let us know your progress.
In love and light Philipa
Hi Philipa, this is me again, I have one question, that maybe you can advice on, how do I deal with the “going to bed”. Should I just pretend like there is nothing there, lay on my side and just say goodnight? I think this is one of the worst moments, and this is when all the feelings of rejection come crashing down on me and i normally can manage, but every few weeks I “fall into the trap” and start talk and everything goes downhill from there – I have no idea how to act at this time, that says “I am ok with taking everyting slowly, but I want more” – I really don´t know how to handle that situation in a good way? any advice would be mostly aprecciated. (advice on how to handle this whitout leaving of course)
Hi Barbara, of course this is a tricky one.
I can hear your dilemma. Being next to your partner in bed appears to be the perfect time to chat. However this is not the best time for a relationship discussion whether yu are doing the Last Resort or over the moon happy.
I honour your feelings and hurt it can be hard when those feelings of rejection come in. You have to find a way personally to deal with it. Recall in the LRT we do not start to talk about the relationship until you feel you are seeing real commitment from your spouse. If this is the case go gently and be guided by their response – do it when you are both vertical.
If you are not getting this from yur partner you really must apply the LRT 100%, and be patient. That is appear to be Ok and really work on getting yourself as good as you can be. I know this is not easy and we are here for you.
Thanks for your question Barbara, I am sure others will have had the same questions and learning opportunities.
Hi my wife and I has separated the second time. The first separation was last year, she left me to live with another man in a close by town where she worked. Her relationship with the first OM last year lasted 2 months. After that I moved straight back in but we never really resolved our issues, there was not much respect for me nor trust. We decide to separate again, now she is seeing a new man from work. I know she is having sex with him. I found sex toys and that he spend the night at hers one day and I confronted her, but it didn’t end up well. She called the police. I have been keeping my distance as it hurts too much. Is there still hope for me as she said to me that we are not getting back together. Has she moved on and should I give up because she seeing a new man? I’m confused, I’ve been trying to fight for my marriage, but have been doing it wrong way. She lost complete respect for me, I have been feeling pathetic. Our relationship was never the same after we had our child, she is an attached parent and we haven’t had intimacy after we had my daughter. I felt jealous when I found out she is having sex with her new OM. She’s buying new lingerie too.. it’s killing me. I have decided to moving on, then I came across the 180 list and this website. Is there still a chance for me? I don’t want to go back to our bad marriage but is there a possibility to start a renewed relationship. I understand we have to tackle our issues, I’m willing to do anything but she has to change as well. We haven’t had intimacy for years, is there any chance of me saving this marriage? Or should I let go and move on, get divorced?
Dear Anonymous B,
the fact is you are asking the question – “is there hope?” Means to me there is a willingness for change from you.
You now have a new way to start over using the LRT.
You will have to leave all jealousy and insecurity behind, it’s not only a passion killer and but deadly to a relationship. Find a therapist to change these parts of yourself for a healthy change. Look for a specialist in these matters. This would need to happen as part of any healing process. When you have dealt with this you then have an place to ask for the changes you would like to renew the relationship.
As you have a child together it is so important you maintain a connection with your child and co-parent, so stop the distance thing and say yes to all family invites, make time to see your children. I know it will be a challenge but I can hear you are up for change.
You recognise what doesn’t work by now from your email.
Immediately you MUST STOPfocussing on her, her partners, shift your focus back to rediscovering your best self – the loving secure man and father you are.
Good luck with the LRT, we are all behind you!
Philipa
Hi. I live in Australia and had an internet affair with a lady from South Dakota 2012-2015 when it was discovered. The lady holidayed in Aust with her young daughter.( we never had sex ) I never stopped her coming and this has been a huge sticking point for my wife Jane (25 years together ). I moved out 10 months after discovery and 8 months after ceasing all contact. 18 months on my own now but here’s the strange part , in march I travelled to Bali for a 10 day holiday with Jane and other friends , we slept in the same bed and had a great time. Of course I thought this will be great for me being asked to move back home. it never happened. We have probably slept in the same bed over a dozen times since I moved out , sex only twice , the day after xmas and once in Bali. then in June this year Jane says she wants a divorce. I was gutted . Depression really set in but I’ve only recently started taking herbal St. johns wort which I find helpful. I’ve done all the wrong things. pleading saying I am sorry , writing letters and I always go around when asked, we still see friends together. Doing a 180 is so difficult, im trying it now but feel like the longer we apart the harder it will be to ever be invited home. Jane is moving on with her life and I feel the punishment is more than the crime. I know emotional affairs are worse for a woman, the betrayal of trust, My life is so boring now in my little rental I’ve lost interest in old hobbies. Is there any hope for our marriage ?? no more divorce talk from Jane, thank god for that. Am I right in the longer time goes by , the harder it will be to get back together. ?? I’ve seen a psychologist but ceased after 6 sessions, Jane and I saw a marriage counsellor 2 years ago, she went once and said “‘ im only here to tell you the marriage is over ” I went another 5 times, the lady was great, but Jane just wont go again. Sorry this is a bit all over the place. Im writing things down as I remember them. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Dear Michael,
thanks for your email. You are correct an online emotional affair can be devastating to a relationship for all concerned due to the betrayal of trust and seeking something you need to find within your marriage partnership.
Michael what awareness do you have about the relationship breach? Is your wife able to hear you learning about yourself and taking responsibility for stepping outside of the relationship? True accountability and responsibility in this area will give you real power.
I am glad the St John’s Wort is helping, naturally, you are disappointed after you got your hopes and expectations up. This can lead to depression. Another option to for others interested in natural health remedies is SAM-E.
Healing can happen at any stage, sometimes you really have to hang in there for the long run. Remember every time we drop the ball and backslide into old habits that didn’t work we are making things tougher and adding more time to practie the LRT.
It’s important you don’t read too much into your spouses friendly behaviour, such as sleeping in the same bed, I can hear you got your hopes up and they were dashed. Just take it as a time for you to be close and be your best self, helping remind her what she was intially attracted too. Be that man!
It’s great you continued on in therapy, well done, I’d say keep it up. Don’t ask your Michael as that will come across as not the LRT.
Sending hope your way and let us know.
Best wishes Philipa
Philipa,
I am currently trying to implement your LRT. My husband and I have been together 6 years. Married for just 2. Our 2nd anniversary just passed. Everything had been great, one week he had bought me flowers and made me breakfast in bed and then the next week told me he wanted a divorce. The day he told me, he went and had a 3 day affair with a woman. Came home and still said he wanted the divorce. This has been almost 2 months ago. We are using the same attorney and things have been civil. But our divorce will be final in December. I just want to save it if I can. He says “he cares for me” “he will always be here for me” and things like “if you need anything you can text me anytime”. So I just don’t know how to feel about all of this. I have gotten a place and he is staying with his parents. I move into my place on the middle of November. I just need guidance.
Thank you so much.
You are most welcome,
Wow that was a sudden change. I do hope at least the LRT gives you some form of affirmative action. Reread the steps and really focus on you and getting yourself back. This way whatever the outcome you will be in a better place.
Good luck and thanks for your comment!
Love and light Philipa
Dear Jennifer,
wow that must have been a very tough time. Sadly some people do not share themselves in a relationship, instead they show us.
I have seen this happen when a couple is getting intimate, a person will act out to sabotage the commitment.
You have been most mature and being civil is always a good thing. However you are feeling – up down and going around are all very normal. Be gentle with yourself and your spouse too.
This is a time when you really MUST put yourself first. By this I mean take care, REAL care and treat yourself with love and nurturing. This is a key component of the LRT and my gut instinct says this may be your best bet.
We are all thinking of you in this trying time Jennifer.
Best Wishes PHilipa
Thank you so much Philipa for your response. I am sorry I am just now replying. Still getting oh so close to the divorce date and it breaks my heart. However I have been using the LRT and being kind when he does call or text but not reaching out to him and being involved with my friends and taking up hobbies to keep my mind busy and to really focus on me. I also have been building a deep relationship with Christ which I think is also helping to be able to focus my thoughts toward him rather than everything happening around me. He did ask he how I was a few days ago and said he was glad things are going good. So I don’t really know his emotions or feelings right now. The communication has been slim definitely.
Thanks,
Jennifer
Dear Jennifer,
thanks for the update.
You are giving you the best chance and using the LRT well.
Sorry this is not an easy time. Glad you have your friends, your hobbies and a deeper relationship with your spiritual self and Christ.
I know it can be hard living in hte land of not knowing but in reality every one of us can only be certain of ourselves, our thoughts and feelings. Nurse your heart with the deepest care.
Best Wishes PHilipa
My partner of 6 years has told me that she loves me but isn’t in love with me and isn’t attracted to me as a partner. She has been unhappy for a while but still wants to be my best friend. I can’t do that because I still love her. She moved into the spare room. I moved out of the house – all my stuff is still there. She does not want to seek counselling. Her statement “just because we are no longer a couple doesn’t mean I no longer want to be friends”. She says that the last 6 years with me was like living with her best friend and she wants more than that. If I go back home do I try and do the things that she has wanted me to do? Greet her at the door, hold her hand in the car, go out with her and her friends? Or do you think I am wasting my time? She wasn’t even interested in counselling to resolve things she only cares about being friends.
Dear Nicky, I hae heard those very statements many times in my office.
I want you to write yourself a list of things that lead your partner to falling in love with you. You need to reconnect back to those parts of yourself that may have been lost over time. Build yourself back up and do the LRT and see what happens.
Yes you do need to address the issues but stop discussing them or the relationship this is not the LRT.
Good luck and let us know.
Warmly Philipa
Dear Nicky,
You have to get your sexy back. Friendship is nice but friskiness requires a bit of frisson ( not in mean way but more tantalising manner.) It is the playfulness and can reignite the sexual part of your relaitonship. It was there so you need to find your unique ways to find and love your sexual self. Think back to the early days and remind yourself of how you acted then and be that person!
Get a make over, do the LRT, forget counselling and get to the gym and other ways to get back into your body.
Hmm those things might have been better (like holding hands etc) when things were better. Now you can’t do a back flip, as that will be seen as too little to late. Sorry Nicky, and this is a warnign sign for folks who have not heard their partners complaints.
When the relationship gets back on track you can work out what you both need.
Get your power back and we wish you the best of luck.
Regards PHilipa
Hi again Philipa, thank you for answering my post so promptly. I would just like to add a few more things that I omitted before.
firstly I cant say doing the LRT is making me feel any better, in fact the pulling away has made me feel worse. I understand its a last resort tactic, so I will let things take their course. Jane and I have always been on excellent terms right thru this whole separation. I said when I moved out that ”im not going to give up on this marriage.” and I wont. But the passage of time is my enemy. We both agreed that should either of us get really sick the other would be there for them. Jane is nearly 60 and I’m 57. Our 2 sons 22 and 19 still live at home, so Jane is never lonely like I am, she always has them to cook for and look after.
I believe I’ve addressed the relationship breach of trust many times with apologies etc. but I have stopped now , unless we are in deep conversations. Emotional affairs can be more hurtful than just a one night quick sex affair, I don’t know how many times I’ve read this. I have asked for forgiveness and a 2nd chance, everyone deserves a second chance, but this has never been forth coming. I have always said ” no one can hold a grudge like my Jane ”
After the divorce conversation and me finally going to therapy Jane was more pleased and happy than I expected. She said I should have done this a year ago.
The things I miss most , and its not the sex at all. Its hugs , cuddles and kisses. its having someone to hold. Oh how I miss this. When its time for me to say goodbye , I hug her and just don’t want to let her go.
My psychologist was a big believer in the books of Russ Harris, especially “act with love” I read this twice then suggested Jane read it too, but she said she had too much to read already. Also other excellent books I got from my library were : How can I trust you again. by Andrew Marshall ( the 7 steps couple go through ) and Infidelity :by Julia Hartley Moore . I read them all and got a lot out of them, but the wronged hurt party is the one who really should be reading them too.
I never suffered from depression or anxiety before, I was supposed to be tough (36 years as a firefighter) but this has knocked me for six and it all started after the mention of divorce, I always believed we would get back together again.
Just writing this email and having someone else with knowledge read and evaluate it is also very therapeutic. I feel better after writing it , then eagerly await a reply.
Alright that’s pretty much it for me. Its great to get things off my chest.
thank you again Philipa.
Michael H
Dear Michael,
thanks for sharing your experiences in your email. You have obviously learnt a great deal about yourself and I take my hat off to you going to therapy, well done!
My respectful suggestion to anyone out there is not to suggest your partner, do or read anything unless they were to actively
ask for the title of the book or the help you are getting. My rationale for this as it may come across as pushy, and I am sure that is notwhat the intention was, however it can come across in this manner. This would set the recovery process back many steps.
I am sure others will hear reading though will take note of your suggestions and go to their local library, thank you Michael.
I have dealt with many first responders, like yourself and I and I am sure I speak for all, when I say thank you for your service. Often you folk have seen and had to handle many awful things. It is not uncommon for first responders to have Post traumatic Stress Disorder, and anxiety.
Funnily enough anxiety, PTSD and depression can express itself as frustration and controlling behaviour, unintentionally.
Acceptance and Commitment therapy are great for symptom relief but will not address underlying causes. I use trauma-informed therapy’s such as Resource Therapy, EMDR and EFT. These therapies lead to real freedom.
When we retire or take a break sometimes this allows for things to surface, a great time for healing.
As part of the LRT we do need to address what our partners have said as the issue. An affair, even an emotional infidelity can be a sign there was something missing in the relationship. Usually needs not being met.
Focus on building your freindship and healing.
Best wishes and hope all goes well.
Philipa
Just wondering whether LRT is useful in my situation – have seen other sites, which criticise such techniques because they say that re-connection is the most important thing rather than exacerbating the distance that is already there (especially if physically separated).
My husband (together for over 6 years married for over 3) told me he thought we should separate in May this year – after we had struggled for a while with disconnection and him developing feelings for colleagues. I naturally panicked, said and did all the wrong things, and moved out. I thought we were having distance to work on the relationship, but turns out he began just carrying on with life as if he was single. He told me he still wanted me in his life but that he felt like we were just friends and didn’t have “feelings” for me any more than that. He started “seeing someone” (no idea of the extent of that term) in about August, who he connected with because she is recently divorced (with a child). He has made no mention of divorcing me and still says that he can’t say we will never get back together and anything we have split up can be re-joined. We have no kids but share a dog. I am still in regular contact with his family (both our families are overseas). I can’t stop thinking of him with this other person, it feels like an affair, even though in his mind our marriage is over and he is single, I still consider us married (my Faith is a big part of that). I hate that we are both creating separate lives now rather than trying to work on creating “our” live and building the “us” back.
I’m just wondering whether these other advice sites are correct that I should be trying to re-connect (not in a chasing way but still instigating contacting with him) or whether you actually think that LRT would be my best bet. Grateful for any advice from anyone!
Dear Carrie,
In my humble opinion the LRT is always a potential option.
Sorry you are really struggling with what’s happened, which is of course completely understandable.
However it is totally up to you and your take on the circumstances and what will help the most.
As your partner has another involved I would most respectfully suggest the LRT would be something to empower yourself with immediately.
I am glad you have your faith, I am sure it will be useful to you. The LRT will require you to let go of your need for him and asks you meet your own needs at this point in time. It is vital you take care of yourself. This alone will give you more of a fighting chance regardless of the outcome.
Trying to reconnect with a partner who’s involved with another would in my opinion be both an act of desperation and a huge mistake. It will only activate a part of your partner that feels pity for you, not love. This can even drive a person furthe away as you become an object of guilt.
You have to love yourself back to health here. Stop focussing on what he’s doing and go forth taking your life back in your own hands. Get fit, have some fun and believe in you. This may mean learning about what your needs and patterns are, so look forward to this.
I hope that helps in some way and please let us know Carrie.
Best of luck,
Philipa
Philipa, thank you sooooo much for your response. You are absolutely spot on with your advice. The last thing I want is for him to pity me (which I suspect he was starting to do when I was so upset and hurt everytime he would see me after we separated). If we do ever get back together, I want it to be from a place of him wanting to rather than him just feeling guilty for leaving.
Since my last post I had already made the decision that I was going to implement the LRT. I completely pulled back and have not been initiating contact with him at all (other than to organise something in relation to our dog). I have heard from him a couple of times, to ask me to hang out – one of those times he ended up cancelling – but I did not revert to any of the old behaviour (upset, crying, making him feel bad about seeing someone else). Baby steps but I feel like every day is an improvement!
Dear Carrie,
you are truly welcome and I am glad you can apply things that help you.
IT is so true you can’t come from a loving space if it is with strings of guilt, pity or pressure. Good on your for recognising what you can change – your responses! This gives you a much fairer chance.
Glad you have decided to implement the LRT. If I can make a wee tiny tweak of a suggestion. Practise pulling back a bit more possibly in letting him arrange your dog outings, so he can take up the sword of responsibility as a pet owner.
Myself and everyone reading your posst is cheering you for not acting up in the old upset ways! You go girl, hold your head high with your mature, I am in control of me spirit. This truly inspires and encourages.
Well done and keep up yur good work. This has to be a life time change, for your own good sake.
Thanks for sharing your success and efforts.
Best Wishes Philipa
Thanks Philipa – I truly appreciate it. I also think your tweak about the dog is a good idea. I actually have the dog pretty much full time, so I will just pull back completely and leave it to him to contact me if he wants to see the dog. Thanks again for your extremely helpful words!
Hi. My wife and I have been together for 35 years and have always been best friends. Talking and laughing and helping each other never stopped and it never got boring in all that time. Our adolescent kids made jokes about us being ‘besotted’ with each other but that was just using words they don’t understand. What it felt like inside was that it was hard to tell where friendship ends and love begins and it doesn’t really matter all that much. Then all of a sudden under very stressful circumstances and all of us exhausted with things going on in our life there’s a huge row and she’s taken the children and gone to her parents and for weeks none of them will reply to my texts and emails. It’s like all that time never happened and they don’t know me and don’t want to know. I feel so completely betrayed it feels like I have stepped into a parallel universe or dream or something. At first I tried emails and texts and some of them were pretty stupid and unhelpful but I have belatedly had no choice but to apply LRT. The last things I wrote made it clear that I had said some incredibly stupid stuff and if she is hurt and angry nobody can blame her and I was determined to try to save our marriage not get into a divorce war with her because it would be like fighting the best part of myself. I said I was going to give her space and take some too but left the door wide open. She won’t speak to me or meet me and the silence goes on and on and on. It’s like my best friend(s) have become my most implacable enemies and there’s nothing I can do to stop it destroying everything.
Dear Jack,
that sounds like a very trying situation for you.
I hear your confusion in your email certianly.
I am not sure what has happened in the relationship. In my experience if we are stressed and then things are said in the heat of the moment which really hurt, it can really challenge the relationship.
Well the LRT at least gives you some more informed choices, so good on you.
Very good you have reflected on the things that did not help, that is a useful process.
From your email, I get a sense that the part of your feeling hurt and betrayed is close to the surface. Those may not be the best parts to move you and your healing. Indeed they can often block moving forward. Of course I am only guessing here.
Respect is the key thing and review. Go hard on the LRT and good luck with it jack.
Bst Wishes Philipa
Even though I first read this article several weeks ago, I am still doing most, if not all of the things I need to stop. Please allow me to to give the back story; I will try to be as concise as possible.
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years. He first broke up with me this past January and I moved out (per his request). We had been living together 2 1/2 years. He started contacting me the day after I moved and asked to see me within a week. I took every opportunity and then some, often pushing for more. Eventually I was staying there full time but he wasn’t ready for me to move back in. This went on for months. Then 3 weeks ago he broke up with me again, saying his heart just wasn’t in it anymore and he needed to stop pretending that everything was back to normal. I’m not blind, I knew things were still not great, but I thought that’s what we were working on. We even already had a therapy appointment scheduled for later in that same week with a new therapist.
So the back, back story. Before we even moved in together, his ex sued for custody to take their kids to another state (they had joint custody, nearly 50/50). There was a trial that summer and she lost. She had already given up her place because she was so sure she’d win, so she had to borrow a house. At the end of that school year, she sued again. This is when the trouble really started. She did a lot of really awful things and we were both fighting her tooth and nail. But at some point, he lost the energy to keep fighting and he agreed to let the kids go. During this time, I often threatened to leave, saying right person but wrong circumstances. Once I did leave. When he asked me to support him even if I didn’t agree with his decision, I said no. These were big issues for him and he put up a wall with me. That’s when the chasing started.
I was constantly trying to “fix” our relationship. I talked about it all the time. Literally. I lashed out, I treated him very badly. I said I’d change but I didn’t really know how or what I needed to do. I’ve realized since, after finally finding the right therapist, that I have a form of abandonment ptsd. My father left when I was 6 and never came back. I have all the classic symptoms…either not letting anyone get too close or clamping on too soon. It took me a long time to let him get that close to me. I’ve never let anyone in like I let him and at one time we had a truly wonderful relationship. We tried therapy here and there once the problems started but it was never a good fit. And so we’d just go along, hoping things would improve. They didn’t. And he finally just shut down and said he couldn’t do it anymore. That was the first break up.
This second one is different. He says he’s just not sure I’m the right person for him any longer. Even though he called me his soulmate at one time. I am the same person, just one that did some terrible things to him. I’m not making excuses by saying they were out of my control but rather trying to understand how and why I would hurt someone I love so much.
We kept that therapy appointment with the new therapist. It was a marathon 3 hours. We went again last night. He said he felt like for a long time, he was the one fighting for our relationship, trying to make me stay. But now he’s just exhausted and he doesn’t have the energy anymore. I said I wished I’d addressed these things sooner and he said me, too. He still loves me but doesn’t think we can be together. He is still very angry about the things I did. Last night he said he still doesn’t understand why I did them. The therapist even explained that when I got even a whiff of being abandoned, whether it was real or imagined, I went into panic mode and reacted in self-preservation. That logic was lost to me in those moments. He hasn’t agreed to back to therapy but he hasn’t ruled it out either. I guess my question is could this method help us when he says it’s too late?
Dear Lisa,
thanks for your out in your text.
You have what I call “child of separation sydnrome, It certainly is a form of complex PTSD centred around abandonment.
I am glad you have found a therapist that has been able to help you. You are certainly not responsible for what happened when you were 6, but that little girl needs direct therapy to help her get the unconditonal love, she did not recieve due to the family separation and then you need to find a personality resource capable of handling here and now rejection with assertiveness and calm. Otherwise every twist and turn that looks like abandonment will see that younger personality part feeling extremely fragile and reactive leading to both panic, frustration and other acting out behaviours which will only serve to push your partner out the door.
I do appreciate it feels unfair as you have just uncovered some big and profound learning (I am really applauding you by the way, as I am sure others who read your story will be.) and now your partner is saying ” I am not sure.” This is part and parcel of the healing process. The fact that he is attended therapy is a big plus. Now you have to live the change you want, so yes grow yourself and heal. Which is in my estimation the most powerful point of the Thornton version of the LRT!
Yours in heartfelt healing xx
Philipa
Hi Philipa,
Thank you so much for your response, I greatly appreciate it. One thing I’m a little confused by is what you said about it being part and parcel of the healing process. Did you mean him saying now that he’s not sure or something else? He has, by the way, agreed to attend another therapy session…half-heartedly but still willing. I’m still struggling with actually practicing LRT…but I’m trying. I know I need to because right now ALL he remembers is how bad things got. And when I talk to him, I’m sure he still sees it as a sign that I’m not changed. The biggest thing I struggle with in regards to LRT is finding and growing me. I have no idea who I am anymore…what I like, what makes me happy or how to find that again. Anyway, thanks fur listening.
Dear Lisa,
gosh I can’t reacll what i was referring to there about the healing process, my best guess was I wanted to support you and normalise any feelings you have.
Please take this gently but the LRT would not have you asking your partner to attend therapy. While that would be useful later, at present it will likely only make you and your relationship a pain point. Partners can feel both guilty and want to run away from the source of hurt – you. Possibly fast tracking a divorce rather than saving your marriage.
Certainly you can turn things around by finding you and growing you into the healthiest and heartiest you. This will attract your mate back mroe than pushing them. This i respectfully suggest is done with a marriage firendly therapist, who works withing your goals and encourages your growth. although it may mean joining a choir, or taking an art class. Do something that gets your to reconnect with your joy. The loving part of you!
Best wishes and know we are all cheering for you in your search for yourself, a worthy task indeed.
Philipa
Dear Lisa,
Sorry for your confusion. Yes you can expect some tooing and froing from your partner. That’s what I think i meant! Apologies for any lack of clarity.
The LRT would not recommend inviting yoour spouse into therapy. The reason being it is only going be like lancing a boil each session painful and bringing up how bad thigns got. This is not what you want to have happen. When the reltionship has gotten to the point ( read teh LRT) when your spouse is talking about the relationship it may be useful to get into therapy, indeed I”d highly recommmend it.
While I can appreciate your struggle with the LRT in terms of finding and growing you, this is in my opinion your buggest priority and best option for progessing the relationship. When you truly grow into the wonderful human being you truly are it will attract others. So please go hard at this part, put it as your NO 1 thing to do on your list!
Best Wishes Philipa
Thanks, Philipa.
The feelings of hurt and betrayal that you picked up on subsided shortly after and I’m left with an overriding sense of regret and loss. My wife and I spoke shortly after and it turns out the issue is an ongoing difficulty between me and my teenage son. He feels that in moments of anger it has come out that I have never loved him and nothing I can say or do can convince him. My wife feels it has destroyed her love for me or at least the possibility of remaining married.
After we started speaking for a few days we flirted with the possibility of eventually being able to pick up the pieces. Lots of long conversations and tears on both sides. But he remains hostile and her mind is made up again and her voice is cold and hard as nails. Feel I have no choice but to try to move on and apply the LRT hard, as you say.
Thanks again for your reply.
Jack
Dear Jack,
I appreciate your update. It is fascinating once we start talking with our loved ones in an open way what is revealed.
Children can bring people together and tear them apart. Naturally your wife feels the need to attend to your son’s need. This is understandable.
I am going to give you my advice both as a therapist and a parent here. I would urge you to do everything in your power to heal your relationship with your son. He is feeling deeply rejected by you. Whether you believe this is real or imagined it is imperative you respond to his hurt. As the same sex parent he is looking to you for unconditional love and acceptance.
We as parents need to help our children heal their hurt, anger and hostility with love and limits. You can hear I feel very strongly on this, too many of our young folk are taking their lives from depression and despair.
This I would urge, is your job as a parent regardless of what happens with your relationship. Please find a family therapist who is willing and able to coach you in the repair your father son relationship. This I believe is your most important life mission right now.
I say this with the utmost reverence and respect to you as a father and to all that read this, I know I had a very difficult teenager, now a happily married young woman so hang in there!
Love and light Philipa
Hi Philipa – you have printed my real name – my mistake -. Please could you change it because – obviously – it’s very personal.
Thanks – Jack
Dear Jack, please forgive me for this oversight in my editing process! I have changed this now.
I feel terrible, this happened and will ensure I take steps to ensure your confidentiality. This was my error with my lack of technological insight and replying late at night. No excuse, but I will be more careul and want to let you and others know I will only use the first name you have given and edit this, which will achieve your privacy.
Again heartfelt apologies for any and all distress. I and every one here on this blog truly appreciates the care and sharing and wish this to continue.
Thanks ever so much for advising me.
Best Wishes PHilipa
Hi Philipa,
I have been with my husband for 8 years and we have been married for a little over one year. About 2 weeks ago he told me he wants to separate becuase he is feeling so unhappy about our marriage. I have been distant and depressed for about 6 months due to work and failure to get pregnant, and he feels like I have not been “seeing him” and not been a partner to him. He feels that a lack of affection from my part has been a reacurring problem for us when I have has stress in my life. I agree and I am motivated to change this and make myself happy and affectinate again. He feels like he has lost his love for me during this time and that our marriage is past saving. I have been trying so hard to stay positive and change my actions and I have really pulled my life around since his announcment. I have also been affectionate and attentive, but still trying not to push him or convince him to change his mind. He still wants to move out to get some space, and I am worried because I have not had enough time to show him how our marriage can change for the better. I have however not reacted negative to his desision to move out and I have not tried to change his mind. Should I still try your LRT-method, even though I have had such little time to show him my changes?
All the best
Kristine
My dear Kristine,
sounds like you have a made a good start by being open rather that freaking out, well done.
Often partners of ours may have been suffering in silence for a long time when we are struggling with heavy issues like depression. I’ll bet it hasnt been a bed of roses for you either, lovey.
My suggestion would be you get on top of the possible hurt and disappointment, maybe a loss, if you suffered a miscarriage, so sorry for you, if this is the case. In my experience it can be very challenging and sad for both partners.
In a situation where the focus comes to having children, at times a relationship can get lost.
In the instance of a loss both parties in my experience have not been able to turn toward each other to heal their grief, a recipe for heartache for sure.
So Kristine I hearlity urge you apply the LRT especially the healing your self aspect. Time really is on your side as this will allow your partner to see sustained change, not flash in the pan I changed to get you to stay stuff. I do hope this encourages you. I know others will be interested in hearing your progress so please drop us a line with an update and know we are sending you love and healing from this little online community.
Blessings Philipa
Thank you so much for your reply, Philipa.
I find it really hard to apply the LRT. My husband keeps sending me texts, and I worry that he will think that I am angry and move further away if I do not text him back.
He came to spend some time with me this weekend (he has been living somewhere else for about a week now) and we had a really wonderful time. We had a long talk about our realtionship and he kissed and held me in a way that he has not done for a long time. I felt like I was in love all over again like it was when we first started dating. This made me feel very hopeful and I am thinking that we could benefit from having more of these good times toghether, rather than me pulling back. What do you think?
Dear Kristine,
Sure I can understand your concern. In this age of instancy we are so used to sending off a text and getting a response in seconds. Boy how did we ever survive when mail when by coach, or sea and took months to arrive! But we did and can now.
I would tenderly suggest you deal with your wory and fear, as this is not the place to be best responding from at any time. Respond when it feels right to you and that may be a bit of a ratio for example 5:1. This does not apply if it around making child care arrangements then responsiveness and timeliness is called for. That’s my only proviso.
Kristine I think you are seeing the benefits of the LRT and your actions of taking care of yourself. Slowly, slowly progress. And your partner has to be the one initiating. I am so pleased it was a nice time and it sounds like a good building block. But remain cautiously optomisitic. Hold yourself in check. Let things unfold, with no pressure.
So relax adn take your hands of the relationship wheel and enjoy growing you into the happiest and healthiest you.
Best Wishes Philipa.
Hi Philipa,
Thank you so much for your reply.
My husband and I have been seeing echother once every week on his initiative, and it has been really wonderful. He also sends me texts every day wondering how my day has been and so on. When I stopped replying to his texts, he suddenly wanted to joint me on a couples councelling session. It however turned out in the session that he is still not sure if he wants to work on our marriage or get a divorce. We are in a limbo, and I am wondering what to do.
Yesterday he asked me if we could see echother tomorrow. As I have other plans I declined, and he seemed to be dissapointed. This is so confusing. Why does he want to keep in contact and hang out with me this frequently, when he is not sure if he even wants to see if we can work this out? Should I say that I do not want to see him until he has made his descision (even though I really want to see him), or should I accept all his invitations?
All the best,
Kristine
Hi Kristine,
Thanks for your email. This gives us a flavour of how well the LRT works.
It will also need your patience as it may take many weeks or even months in limbo.
I would respectfully suggest as general advice for all we don’t invite our partner in for couple counselling until they are clearly saying they want to continue the relationship and work through the issues. Timing is key here. Therapy will often bring up more pain and ambiguity, from reading yur email this may have been the case. From your letter it appears to be a knee jerk reaction your partner wanting to come in, not an I want to address and resolve our issues. Sadly this has had an unsettling effect on you. We live and learn what’s best for us.
Good for you ! I am glad you declined and kept yoru original plans. You are the priority here. You want to be hard to get but easy to be with. It’s a bit like icecream for dessert. If I had icecream breakfast, lunch and dinner I would be sick of it. So we want you to be scarce and slightly unavailable, not impossible though!
I am betting he wants to hang out with you because he cares and is confused too. This he will have to figure out for himself, you can’t help him directly. Only by being your best self and taking care of you will really open this opportunity up. The LRT gives you an action plan at least.
Definitely NO ultimatums, unless you want an ending sooner. Accept some but not all of his invititations and continue growing you. So make your own plans and life. This will serve you regardless of the outcome.
Best Wishes PHilipa
Dear Philipa,
You were unfortunately very right when it comes to initiating councelling. My husband came to see mee yesterday to discuss our marriage in light of our councelling session on monday. Even though our therapist had told us to give the descision some time, he felt that the councelling session had made it clear to him that he wants to end our marriage. He said that it was especially one thing that I had said that made up his mind. When discussing the problems with our sex life, I said that I often felt inadequate and that I have felt like I have been running behind a moving train that never stops and that I could never really catch up with. I only said this because I wanted to explain how it has been for me when I have felt like I have been failing to meet his needs. I did not want to hurt him. He however felt like this was a proof that I can never be what he needs me to be. When he told me this, I was no longer able to hold back and I did all the things I was not supposed to do, begging and pleading and so on. This made him even more upset and he pulled further away from me. He really seems to have made up his mind, and I am devastated.
How long should I keep my hopes up and keep trying using the LRT? I feel broken and hopless and I just want to mourn my loss..
Alle the best
Kristine
Dear Kristine,
I am sorry to be right about this.
Ok so there has been a backward step. It really is up to you how long you use the LRT for.
The second step needs to be the ongoing one, This is where you build yourself up and carry on.
I am sorry to hear you are feeling broken and hopeless, you really need to listen to you and hearing you it sounds like you need to mourn the loss. Sometimes depite all our best efforts things don’t work out the way we had hoped.
You take it as easy as you can Kristine, know that we are all thinking of you in this tough time.
Best wishes always xx
Philipa
i have been married for nearly 20 years and together with my husband for nearly 26 years. he suffers depression and after a fight recently i told him to get out . he did and has moved into a unit. he tells me we need to take things slow and he needs to see if he misses us. He will hold my hand , give me peck on the lips but then not message or talk to me for the whole following day. I feel lost and alone. I feel like I’m in limbo . he wont tell me how long he will be gone. He doesn’t really initiate contact I have started the last resort technique.
Do i wait for him to contact me?
Dear Sara,
Sorry to hear thngs are not easy for you and your husband there. Totally glad you have found support and some help with the LRT.
And to answer your question yes, hang back and wait. Recall the LRT is about stopping the chase and getting your good self back. So go do that in the mean time. Reread the steps.
Best Wishes Philipa
Hi Philipa
I felt moved to give an update on my situation – it’s been very difficult – I think LRT is not always possible or the right answer and that maybe the approach is a combination of things depending on individual circumstances. I hear clearly your advice to seek help.
I’ve been doing this and it’s been very dark on a couple of occasions – but a little better now. One of the issues my wife had was that we were putting plans on hold for 6 months+, however communication had broken down (my idea of LRT!) which sent her into a dramatic situation of reversing her decision. Since that point nearly 2 weeks ago, things have improved slightly – we’ve agreed to commnicate at a regular time on Sunday monrings (avoiding late night discussions), I also suggested that we avoided blaming each other during these discussions. So far one talk down it’s been relatively positive – we mainly discussed practical things but we have been a little more open in our conversations again.
In the meantime i’m still getting help and feel like I’m making some progress after being in a very difficult place, to the point of feeling suicidal. The idea of my kids has kept me off that path and I managed this by writing a letter to them (but not giving it to them!). So, I’m still moving and trying to understand – the stuff about me that I can’t change/control, the things I’ve resisted that I would be happier accepting and the parts of me that I can change. Also, trying to reduce my fear, anxiety about the things I can’t control – I’m aware that my own state puts me into the hyper-vigilant mode at times. It’s not easy, I try to help myself everyday by checking in with myself – I’m making changes to freindships and relationships, focusing on the ones that help me and removing myself from more superficial [unhelpful ie drining buddies!] relationships/situations and those involved in childhood abuse. I’m making plans to exit my business in the future, work from home more and accept myself more. So my journey now is not about saving my relationshp but just to keep little by little working on the bits that have been unhelpful to me (whilst also accepting their presence at times).
I visited an elderly neighbour recently, who I’d avoided for a while – it was a small gift of my time that he seemed to appreciate and I got more reward from that than from signing my latest contract at work.
I would like to share two things:
The Serenity Prayer – I’ve written this into the front of my new daily journal –
God, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
I’m not religious but I feel the sentiment of the prayer is helpful, the other resources is a book – I’m not sure if you’ve come accross it;
F*ck Feelings
One Shrink’s Practical Advice for Managing All Life’s Impossible Problems
By Michael Bennett, MD and Sarah Bennett
I really recommend it as a realistic, accepting and practical guide.
Best wishes to all having these struggles.
Dear Jay Jay,
Thanks everr so much for generously sharing your journey here with us. I am sure others will read and take on board your advice and pointers to helpful information.
So glad you sought help rather than hurting yourself. While it is understandable in those dark time to feel like escaping the pain, and suicide feels like this will be the case, I am glad your thought of your children’s needs. Please read my earlier responses to help lines if this triggers anynone reading my words.
Getting professional help I believe is likely to fast track both healing and personal growth. As I read your email I can see you truly have developed as a person, I loved hearing about you visiting your neighbour and giving the gift of time, so valuable.
This it totally this spirit of my version of the LRT. It is to be adapted to your personal situation and changes as things progress.
Best Wishes and thanks again for sharing your hope, help and heart here.
Philipa
Hi Philipa
I suggested relationship counselling to heal the relationship with my teenage son to my wife. She was not enthusiastic about it. Mainly she said that my son wouldn’t talk to anybody but also implied that if he did decide to go the invitation wouldn’t include me.
Apart from that call I am holding out with the LRT because I don’t feel I have any choice but it does worry me that living apart and not having contact is just going to get them all used to me not being there as if I never existed.
Thanks
Jack
Dear Jack,
so good to hear you are thinking about your relationship with your son. While I can appreciate you asking your wife re counselling, my first thought would be more doing this on your own or making more reaching out moves to your son. Kids these days spend a lot of time on the technology. I’d start with a text of a few lines, where you come from your heart. Perhpas something along the lines of empathy adn acknowledging how things have not been the best and that you love and care for him, no matter how upset he is with you or what’s been happening. Go slow to go fast. Keep us posted!
Cheers pHilipa
What page or section, in Divorce Remedy book, is The Last Resort Technique found? Thank you.
Dear Ralph,
yes it is in Michele Weiner Davis’s superb book the Divorce Remedy Pp 124-131.
I will be putting up something on my YouTube channel soon so keep an eye out!
Best Wishes Philipa
Hi Philipa
As it happened my son contacted me out the blue a few days ago. For the rest of the day and the next we were exchanging emails almost constantly. I was very apologetic and tried to cover all the issues between us taking all the blame and responsibility. He replied not to worry about it and we chatted about other stuff. Everything seemed very positive. Then all of a sudden he went quiet and when I next emailed he said he didn’t want a relationship with me.
Best wishes
Jack
Dear Jack,
I do find those strange coincidences of contact interesting.
While I cannot know the in and outs of your sons thinking I would like to give some possible pointers.
This is general advice for all parents.
We are in this for both our life time and our children’s, so I want to remind you when there is a hiccup hold onto these earlier words rather than focus on the upset.
Emails are good for reaching out. My thinking is it is best to keep it fairly light. Textual words via email and our phones don’t give the true intimacy needed in these situations and can be too quickly misread without the body language to support it.
Mind you a good well timed apology that takes into account how our actions have affected our kids and that we are working on learning and doing better for them and our growth is a fabulous thing. When the relationship is stronger and you are catching up you continue the repair process.
So hang in there when you get the rejection email or I hate you‘s or whatever your child is expressing (read anger, hurt and their own sense of rejection). Don’t take it personally. Rise above it and recognise what emotionally they may be experiencing and what need you have to meet.
This takes a bit of skill on our part to hear their anger, resentment, rage and disappointment or whatever they are expressing. You will need to read between the lines and help them with this. Often we need to build our skill set in this way too. We need to acknowledge and validate their feelings. “I hear, I see you are upset with me. I can understand that, it makes sense to me.” Lower any reactiveness and remain with an open hearted stance towards them. Let go of any reasons, defensiveness or rational explanations, that will send them packing more likely than not. Give them time and space. This is a lifetime relationship regardless of your marital breakdown and completely separate.
Hope this helps, I know it’s not easy as a parent to be on the end of a child’s heavy energies but it shows they care and how much you really do mean to them.
Hang in there all of you parents and thanks Jack for the update. I know many folks out there will be in a similar position, so it is great to you have shared this with us. I would love to hear of others experiences and reflections.
Best Wishes Philipa
Hi Philipa
I’m glad you have been able to use my contribution to make some general points for all readers. I might have some recent feedback on using LRT that could be similarly useful.
I have been doing rock-solid LRT for 2 weeks. My wife and family are in another town. The last I heard she was angry with me, remembering all the bad times in our time together and stubbornly insistent our marriage was over. The situation looked utterly hopeless and I could see no option but to go completely dark and give her space.
Yesterday I had little choice but to send a ‘business’ email even though it risked seeming to be ‘pursuit’. I kept the tone friendly, the content businesslike and suggested a reply wasn’t required and I wasn’t looking to start a conversation.
What happened was she sent an instantaneous reply with grateful thanks, bits of news and a noticeably friendly tone. There followed a short exchange of emails. The tone was friendly, the content sticking to business and I made sure I was the one to call time on it.
So it seems that LRT can produce a different response although it’s impossible to tell if it indicates a fundamental shift in her position. Her friendly tone could indicate that she feels she is doing great and doesn’t need to be hostile and not that she is starting to think that maybe I’m wasn’t so bad after all. I suppose that’s where not having expectations comes in.
What I am pretty sure of for other reasons is it has nothing to do with the recent email exchange with my son. My inclination is to go dark again and see what happens although it seems she is determined never to be the one to initiate contact.
Best wishes
Jack
Dear Jack,
thanks for the update.
It’s great to hear from your experience the LRT can produce different results. It gives you the opportunity to learn and grow too I imagine. I am not sure going ‘dark’ as you put it is the way to go at this point in your progress. This might backfire lead to mixed messages, of course I don’t know how things have been for you. Basically you don’t want to repeat any relationship ( old, unhelpful) patterns.
Steady progress is recommended. It’s not going hot and cold. I certainly like the friendly tone.
Keep up the good work. Any parent I am sure wants the best for their children.
Best Wishes Philipa
So I have a sexquestion. You say have decided your spouse initiated it. Is this at any point during this process or only after they have started coming around to reconciliation?
Dear Bryan,
good sex question. and yes sex at any point in the process is good. It is after the sex you need to keep doing the LRT and not think anything has changed unless your spouse starts talking of reconciliation. So enjoy but keep calm and carry on with the LRT.
The reason I say this is people read t much into sex, and can think this marks a turning point in the relationship. While it may, it is most likely just a moment of closeness where you both get to feel good. This is what you you of course but take it as nice thing and add no expectations into the mix.
Hope this helps and I will answer your next sexquestion.
Best Wishes PHilipa
So I have a sexquestion. You say have sex if your spouse initiated it. Is this at any point during this process or only after they have started coming around to reconciliation?
Sorry for the re-post. Fixed a typo.
Dear Bryan,
yes that’s corrrect it must be your spouses initiation of the sex and take the opportunity if it arises.In short go for it! Sexual contact helps in many ways, it releases endorphins that relieve stress and lower cortisol levels. It also stimulated our cuddle hormones oxytocin, which is a powerful bonding hormone. So this is a good thing. Be light and breezy after intimacy, keeping the LRT stance sans expectations.
The only caveat is in my earlier reply.
Thanks for your question, I am sure others have been unsure of this.
Best Wishes Philipa
If you doubt partner, I will advice you to Contact a Private Investigator to help you find out what your partner is up to.
J
I would certainly not suggest this Janet.
Good luck
Philipa
Dear Philipa
Thanks for pointing out the distinction between LRT and what I called ‘going dark’ meaning no contact. After thinking about it I got the point and reversed direction to aim for ‘steady progress’.
Email contact with my wife is now polite maybe slightly friendly but mainly polite. Her mind seems made up although she says it’s incredibly painful.
Having decided that I’m ‘broken’ my son wants no contact. Strangely, I’m less broken than I was a couple of weeks ago. That’s getting a life as part of LRT for you or maybe just misplaced optimism.
Best wishes
Jack
My husband of 7 years decided he was finished with our relationship about 7 weeks ago. We had been going to marriage counseling and I can see how we both had communication issues in the relationship. Anyway, I discovered he had been having an emotional affair with a woman on the other side of the country. In counseling he decided we needed to be “done” after 2 weeks of false reconciliation. He has moved out and I began implementing the 180 because all the begging, pleading, tears, etc were not working.
Anyway, he has been more interested and has been texting more. I answer but not immediately. We have also spent some time together. I always try to be bubbly and happy. He has made statements that I have changed. I guess he is seeing the happy, less stressed me which is great.
However, he almost always initiates some sort of sexual contact. It feels nice, but I’m not really comfortable with full blown intercourse right now. It’s hard for me to separate the physical from the emotional. I truly love this man and don’t want to get carried away or hurt again by becoming close through physical contact. Although I know it causes a serotonin rush for him which is also good. Is it ok for me to turn him down sometimes? Or, like I have been doing, just some sexual activity but not intercourse? It’s not that I don’t want to be intimate with him, but I struggle with the whole separating it emotionally.
Thanks
Dear Lily,
thank for your email. Sounds to me like you have done a great 180 and it is having the desired results.
This gives your relationship a real healing opportunity, but slowly, slowly! I reckon your observation is right on the money – he is gettng to see the happy you, the one he originally fell for and not the stressed part. Keep it up.
Ok now for the sex part quesstions of your email.
I truly hear your confusion. It is so good you have a clear awareness of you and your needs, plus I am glad you brought it here to the comments of our list. The last thing you want to be doing is having this discussion with your partner. This would only lead them to feel rejected, exactly not what your goal is. So by all means take care of yourself, men and women out there. So my first words of advice areto listen to you and your boundaries.
We certainly don’t want any Harvey Weinstein or Matt Lauer type scenario’s happening out there.
Sex can be a very bonding thing.
it sounds to me like what you are doign is working so keep doing it. Only make sure it doesn’t get to hot and heavy, have a back up plan for leaving – recall you are the one to end the dates on your on terms.
And I would not recommend turning him down per se. I would suggest something more like grabbing his hands and telling him you’ve had a lovely time but you have an early call to work and goodbye as you waft out the door with a warm peck. This saves face all round and is not going ot risk him or you feeling rejected.
However it would be good for you to get strong enough within yourself to share yourself sexually but not lose yourself emotionally. Of course it is normal, what you are struggling with.
Hope this helps and let us know how it goes.
Definitely keep up the good work so far!!
Best Wishes and high hopes
Philipa
Philipa:
Thanks for the reply. I will keep doing what I’m doing. It is definitely hard but my marriage deserve this chance to see if we can reconcile. I just have to remind myself that this is a slow process.
I am in individual counselor so definitely working on myself and getting stronger. She has told me not to have any physical contact with him at all because it allows him to enjoy living the single life while still having the advantages of marriage. However, he initiates it and since I’ve implemented the LTR method he is increasing communication so I think this is working better. I do like your suggestion of leaving before things get too intense. I will give that a try.
Thanks
Lily
My wife told me that she loves me but is not in love with me anymore. My first week was a disaster of LRT, because I did not know about it at the tine. At the advice of others I gave her flowers, left her cards, etc. Much to her anger. She said I was confusing the children, since we already told them that she wanted a divorce.
Since then, I have been using LRT for about 3 days, and her tone with me has improved but she has recently told me that while she has not cheated yet, she feels like she could. Halfway through my LRT I screwed up and got roped into a discussion where I told her that I still believe in us and that we both made mistakes, which she agrees on but still told me she no longer loves me.
Have I already made too many mistakes to continue using LRT? It has been 2 weeks since she told me she wants a divorce. She has been to a lawyer and said she is filing for divorce.
She has been working out at the gym, losing weight, and getting attention from other guys. I know I can’t give her any attention now during LRT, but I always gave her a ton of praise, support, and compliments before. It seems she just doesn’t want them from me.
I am desperately trying to save my marriage and my family. I have been applying LRT, no contacting her at all, short conversation that I end first. I have been cleaning the whole house and upgrading my personal appearance. We do live together still. I don’t feel like it is working. Is it too early to tell? This has been the longest 2 weeks of my life.
I feel awful.
Dear Joseph,
totally understandable you feel at a low point. Thanks for your email as it raises some good points.
Yes totally keep up with the LRT but this has to be 100% commitment on your part, find a therapist to address the part of you feeling insecure. The LRT has to be done for you and people can smell a rat a mile off. I think you really need to apply the second step hard. That is taking care of you, acting as if you are moving on and getting a life. So well done for starting this.
And yes it is too early to tell. And stop doing what you used to do with your wife as you probably knwo that didn’t help. I am guessing she has lost respect for you, so you have to earn this back and it will take time. Again start by respecting you. That isn’t being cold and distant just firm and resilient if you get my drift.
At least the LRT gives us an action plan, so I would recommend you keep going, it may takes weeks or months.
Wishing you all the luck in the world,
PHilipa
Thank you for the quick response. When she wants to talk divorce or relationship stuff, how do I respond? She asked me if I had contacted an attorney and I told her yes, because she went to a lawyer first. Bjt since I did not tell her before I went, she is accusing me of being secretive, even though she is the one leaving and going out randomly. She has been projecting on me all of her emotions.
She has told me that she no longer loves me, but still checks in on me and tries to do nice things for me. She cries and gets upset when she talks about leaving. I feel like she wouldn’t be so emotional about this if it was she wanted 100%. Am I wrong to think that? It gives me hope that there is still love there.
She has apologized several times and always tells me it’s her and not me at fault for this. I want to tell her it’s not too late and that she can always take back the divorce. However, I feel that it is still too early for that kind of talk from me.
Today she noticed that my appearance was nicer and she smelled my new cologne. She wished me a good day and I reciprocated and left for work.
Please tell me there is hope.
Well I’m still applying LRT. She has been approaching me trying to talk about relationship things but I keep telling her that my stance has not changed and I need time to think on this. She said she feels strange being in the house with me.
Meanwhile she has been asking questions about my new job, etc. She says she still cares about me. Regardless, I am not reciprocating those emotions right now, besides being polite (have a good day, thanks, goodbye, etc.).
Last night she asked me if I needed anything. I stupidly said yes, but nevermind. She came down and looked me in the eye and asked me if I had something to say. It felt like she either wanted me to concede our marriage or ask her to work things out. She had a sad look on her face and seemed to want comfort. As hard as it was, I did neither. I told her I didn’t want to talk about anything. She said goodnight and went to bed upstairs and I slept on the couch.
Did I miss an opportunity for reconciliation?
Meanwhile I’m still concentrating on making myself look the best I can be. I’m going to pick up a hobby and get out of the house a few times a week.
Hi Joseph,
Yes your wife is wanting to talk about the relationship, do this. The LRT is about you not raising the issue. If your partner does it is important you respond openly from your heart, but without it being on your sleeve.
When she next approaches you ask her what she is needing and really allow that in and take action on it. Learning to commuicate is a vital relational skill. Not talking could possibly send a not caring message, which is not what to do.
hope this clarifies things.
Cheers
Philipa
Hi Joseph,
My pleasure i do try and get back as quickly a si can.
Most folk have communication issues in their relationship. Hard as it is I would listen to her with regard to her talking about the divorce or relationship stuff. Now the real key is to LISTEN. NO one of us is that great at really hearing and listening to understand. I am thinking aobut offering a online video soon to help with that. IN short be a reflectiven non defensive communicator. One who asks open questions, uses considered tone and language.
With accusations I would say something along the lines of “Yes I see how it would seem like I am being secretive, I am sorry that was not my intention, I guess I am scared (whatever you are feeling). I am confused and trying to figure out things for myself too.” Thats it.
You are right it is way to early for you that kind of talk and it has to come from her not you.
By the sounds of your email, there is hope. Of ocurse I am an optomist.
Keep up the good work Jospeh. Check the blog for communication resources too.
Best of luck with it.
Philipa
Thank you for the advice and the article…
I was frustrated and at a loss at what to do next. My wife separated from me 9 months ago. I have always thought it was over but she has always kept contacting me even after weeks of no contact. She seems to want the best of both worlds… living apart but maintaining a loving get together every few weeks.
She will not agree to counselling, nor trying to work on us as she does not believe it will work. It just feels like I’m on a roller coaster or on a fishing line. She states she loves and misses me and just wants to make sure I’m doing ok and catching up.
After 9 months this has become too difficult to maintain and had to get off. I have requested we now go totally no contact as it takes two fix things which is ultimately what I would like to work on.
I will see what happens from following the LRT approach… what else is there to lose. I will stay in touch
Dear Rick,
phew if you read earlier comments you will know you doged a bullet by not going ot counselling. I know this seems strange coming form me a therapist, but read Kristine experience which she so kindly shared with us.
I would recommend you get some emotional support to help you grow through this. I can hear your frustration and confusion there, but you can’t let this dictate especially if you are going to do the LRT all out.
Mot respectfully to you and anyone rading this -STOP any type of ultimatums or controlling stuff this is not the LRT but amy indeed be the fastest way to lose your marriage. People don’t respond well to these type of requessts and it only serves to remind them of why they left. Stop all those forms of anything that could appear like this and when you do get together be the fun happy you, your wife ovviously still cares for.
That’s my two cents worth. And we would love to hear your results so please stay in touch.
Best Wishes Philipa
Hi Philipa:
I have another question. You’ll remember that the LRT seems to be working in my case right now. My husband does always want to initiate something physical though. I’ve decided to take your advice and just make sure things don’t go too far, being careful not to reject him.
However, is this allowing him to “have his cake and eat it to?” He was involved in an emotional affair with someone on the other side of the country. He has told me it is ended, but quite frankly, I don’t have any reason to believe him. Part of the work I am doing on myself is to stop snooping, asking about it, etc. I’m just wondering if in the times when I do make myself available to hang out with him, is this the “have your cake and eat it to” scenario?
We aren’t living together. I am declining some of his invitations. When he texts me, I wait a few hours before responding and always keep it light. I don’t talk about our relationship. When we do hang out I’m just being positive, friendly and my normal bubbly self. But I just wonder if other people feel this way too when part of the relationship separation is due to an affair?
Thanks,
Lily
Hey Lily,
so pleased to hear the LRt is working for you, well done. This will be incredibly inpiring for others, who certainly will appreciate hearing your success.
I would totally stop overthinking it re the cake and eat it too stuff. Relax and go with the flow.
A loving relationship is aobut acceptance, responsibility and commitment. At present you are both probably working on the first two.
With affair recovery, you will eventually have to take that risk and believe him with what he is telling you about it being over. Recall this is aout you and him, so refocus on this. A loving partnership is founded on trust. I reckon we have to trust that our partners love for us is greater than our insecurity about it. This can be so fraught with difficulty though. So fake it till you make it as they say in AA.
You are obviously applying the LRT with ninja grace, go Lily!
I am sure others do feel a huge challenge when you have both a separation and an affair. Totally unserstandable your concern there. However when the relationship reconciles you can then tackle what needs of you both that lead to this crisis.It’s too early yet.
It would be fabulous to hear others experiences on this. Please comment if you care to share, most thankfully,
Philipa
Philipa:
You bring up a great point about reconiliation. I haven’t told my husband that I am even considering it, as he has a lot of work that he needs to do on himself and it’s been recommended by my counselor not to offer him that yet. That offering reconciliation at this point could actually hinder his growth: as in he just stops working on himself, returns to the relationship, and we end up in a similar place in a few years.
I wonder when using the LRT, when you know it’s time to reconcile? I get lots of nebulous answers like you’ll know when the time is right. And to confound this even mor, I told him the day after he decided we were finished that I would never have a romantic relation with him again. So my confusion lies in whether I tell him that’s back on the table, or just continue implementing the LRT and hope he has the courage to tell me he wants to reconcile at some point. He is still very raw at this point.
Thanks
Lily
Hi Philipa,
I need help urgently.. this is really my last resort. I have tried everything that i could do to save my marriage even did the things i should’nt have like begging, pleading, letters, being aggressive and nothing helped.
I came across your website just recently and really feel this might help. I have been in a relationship with my husband for 8 years and have been married for 4 years, i am 8months pregnant with our baby.
My husband and i started of with a great frienship.. going through all the ups an downs in life together.. i thought our relationship was fine if not at the optimum, he used to say that he wants me to take care of him more..i did everything i could supported him through his financial troubles, almost became a dietician to help him with his health, worked like a maid and still tried to look good helped him in his business.
We live with his parents so had a few issues, very normal to any family..had fights because of trust issues from my side for which i had proof but maybe i was too obsessive about him but we passed throught that phase.. i thought that things are going to be better even though i could sense that something is wrong and just 3 months ago he came from one of his lone trips and revealed that he does not love me anymore and gave me 2 options..1st was divorce, 2nd living together just as friends and that he would seek love outside because he wants to feel loved and not get into any kind of a committed relationship in both the scenarioes he would take care of me and the child financially and would be available whenever needed..i accepted the option 2 because i love him so much i was ready for anything.. tried to convince him for 1 last chance to prove my love but he went on aother 4 day trip and extented it to 9, lied to his parents that he is out for business..i kept communication to minimum and he didnt call even once..according to him today, i am left with only 1 choice now and thats separation because i did all that drama of begging and pleading and even became aggressive. He assured me that until now there is no one and he was not in a hurry to move on but i inscintively sensed that he was lying ..i got a chance to go through his messages where i found a mention of him and his girfriend to a third person while on the last trip .. for which he had an amazing explaination almost unbelieavable.. he still says that he isn’t involved with anyone.
All he wants now is for me to accept it all for once and stop complaining and trying to make things better..”do something in life and move on there is more to it than me. divorce is not the end of life” this is what he usually says..
He no more initiates any kind of physical contact but dosent stop me doing so.. i have had sex a few times, he lets me hug him, we sleep together, we speak about future plans and he is ready to be friends again but just dosen’t want me to have any hopes..haven’t involved our parents yet he says we have 1 year before we go ahead legally.
He is not ready for any kind of marriage counselling..
Should i just try being a good friend, pursuing my dreams again, being physically involved and stay with him..will this help??
The no contact rule..will it help me?
With my first pregnancy i feel really lonely .. i want him to love me again i want to save our marriage because i know its worth it..please guide me throught this difficult time you are my last resort.
Oh Sue,
I am so sorry to read your email, of course you are upset and feeling lonely you poor thing!
I feel for you.
Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy, this should be your entire focus right now, and i certainly not surprised to hear of your loneliness. We need to get you some TLC and support. I can hear your desperation, and naturally you are wonderfully more sensitive with the hormones of pregnancy, a very normal thing.
Yes be a good friend – firstly to yourself. Set some boundaries for you, make some limits. You have both choices and options. And you msut make your baby a priority to welcome them into the world. I do hope your spouse is attending antenatal classes and your appointments with you. As this isn’t about either you or him but this precious life growing inside you.
Please find with your doctor or midwife a therapist how can help your self esteem return, this is my best suggestion for saving your marriage, you need to totally apply the LRT Step 1 and 2 in particular with great urgency.
Pursue your dreams you are so worth it. This will help you gain self respect and allow your partner to see the true beauty you are. Women do glow when fecund.
Wishing you all the best, Sue.
In love and light,
Philipa
Hi Phillipa,
Thank you for the prompt reply..
I have already started with 1st and 2nd part of LRT..its kind of tough to ignore the facts and pretend all is fine but i have noticed that whenever i am showing him any signs of me moving ahead he seems to be happy and appreciative. I have been asking my husband for a few months now to take me on a vaccation before the baby arrives. Just 2days back he messaged me the details of bookings for our 5 day outing. Is this a positive sign or is he just doing me a favour. i dont know what to do now? Should i even go?
My husband is a bit more receptive now but he is again leaving on a lone trip soon.. dont know what to make of all this but i am going to continue with LRT and hope for tge best..thank you for your advice, will start with therapy soon.
Hi Philipa
This may be a stupid question but when the LRT suggests always sounding upbeat no matter what your real feelings are inside, does it just mean don’t show it if you are feeling devastated or does it include hide it if you are feeling irritated too?
The reason I ask is my wife is firm that the marriage is over and has made the point that she has no feelings of anger towards me but it’s quite clear she is determined never to be the first to text and when she does there’s a subtle but detectable undercurrent of points scoring and needling. I have managed to be consistently polite – maybe a bit too polite – and I can’t see what I have said that she could be newly miffed about – but it’s really getting under my skin and there’s a huge temptation to be quite blunt about it.
It’s always been her decision to end the marriage and she’s been the one calling the shots but it’s as if she doesn’t like the idea of me seeming to be just getting on with my life either.
Dear Jack,
Being positve and upbeat only needs to happen in your contact and interactions with your partner. I am being tongue in cheek here – If you want a divorce go right ahead and get irritated and devasted then share that with your partner.
Instead I suggest when you are alone, in the shower or driving you are free to carefully express your emotions. There is an awful and incorrect myth around venting anger, suggesting is good for you. It isn’t at all. And if it’s toward another it can have devastating consequences.
For everyone this is the holiday season. For some of us it will be like Charles Dicken’s a Christmas Carol with the ghosts of the past, present and future visiting us. Be the reformed Scrooge and give ‘happiness a comfortable seat.’ he was able to let his miserly and bitter ways of the past and free himself for the good of all.
So please do the same. Look at the exercise I suggested for Lily and do this with the part of you who is angry or feeling misunderstood. You can do thsi in writing with your wife ( writing this to yourself to be clear, this is not to be given to anyone. ) as aself refelction exercise to raise awareness.
Be gentle with yourself and others at this time.
Best Wishes PHilipa
Thanks Philipa.
I managed to get through the period of irritation without expressing it and as far as I can tell she didn’t know anything about it. In fact, sometimes I worry about sounding too calm and coming across as patronizing, stupidly smug and not ‘getting it’ or just not caring.
I have been doing LRT and been quite successful at getting a life (although it’s no substitute for my family). I don’t advertise it but I think she is convinced I am really ‘moving on’ because she told the children and I had a horrible letter from my son blaming me.
The history of our family life seems to have been completely rewritten with me to blame for every single thing that was wrong and not a single good quality to my credit. It’s like being stranded in a parallel universe where our shared past was totally different. How do we reach any common ground as facts and words are useless and she will never, ever be the first to text?
Best wishes
Jack
Hi Philipa
I’m really puzzled by my wife’s very few texts.
A little while after the initial hostility of the split subsided our texts and emails became cooperative and quite friendly. But about the same time as I was settling into getting a life and maybe starting to sound confident she started to become more hostile for no obvious reason and it seems to be her default position. It’s like the more I’m coming across as settled and content to ‘move on’ the more she designs her texts to be needling. I’ll construct a perfectly polite ‘business’ text and her reply will be so short and offhand and sometimes hostile that you know it’s calculated because such rudeness is not her natural manner and she knows me well enough to be pretty sure I’ll pick up on it and it’ll get under my skin. What’s going on?
Jack
Update on the continuing saga: I’ve been implementing the LRT. Things seems to be going well. My wh have been hanging out occasionally: just light and fun times. My wh actually brought up the word reconciliation this weekend. I told him I’m not ready to discuss that yet.
Unfortunately, I thought about it for 2 days and then asked him what his plan was to help me feel safe and able to trust him again. He told me that made him feel pressured: that I was trying to run his life. This was not my intent at all. I let him know this and also thanked him for sharing those difficult feelings with me (he has historically been terrible at sharing negative feelings). So I think it’s now back a few steps. Clearly, although he brought up reconciliation, we are not ready to discuss it.
I’m going back to LRT and will proceed forward slowly and cautiously. It is hard to act in ways opposite of our normal reactions but I had some success doing that until I reverted to my old habits.
Anything else I should do besides stepping back, giving him his space, and following the LRT?
Thanks
Lily
Dear Lily,
Thanks so much for the update.
As a general thought, if your partner makes noises around reconciliation, I would be open and curious, whilst remaining cautiously optomistic.
From your email it appears you may have shut down the beginnings of an important conversation. In a healing relationship we need the ability talk from our hearts with vulnerability. When we are safe and comfortable within ourselves this gets easier. REading your words it sounds like a part of reacted and withdrew, this needs to be addressed in you. Have you a part that protects in old ways? What I mean is withdrwas, punishes, shut down or other less than mature responses to overtures of connection or emotion?
It sounds like you are not ready to discuss reconciliation from what I see in your email.
Here is an exercise. Get a pen and paper. Ask yourself this question. What is the aprt of me which reacted to xyz bring up reconciliation?
Gain an undertanding of this part adn you may even get a name for it. Ask it what it needs? And then look to meeting this need for this part in healthy loving ways.
This may help you respond in new ways. You can do this with any reactivity you have. My belief is you will need to respond from a place of care and assertiveness to a partner reaching out.
I recently had an experience like this with my partner and I had to own I had gotten all practical, and controlling which had lead to a shut down. I talked to him and shaqred this with him, he was able to do the same. Tnis is the intimacy and grwoth that can occur in this sort of progress.
Keep it up!
Best Wishes PHilipa
Do a written question and answer without any thought.
Hi Philipa:
Historically in our relationship, I haven’t had a problem sharing with my husband. However, I am a little lost right now. Still recovering from the pain of his infidelity. And when he brought up reconciliation, I wanted to talk about it but didn’t think he really wanted to. I guess, it boils down to me being afraid of entering into that discussion only to have him shut down.
I will be more aware of this if he brings it up again.
Thanks
Lily
Dear Lily,
my best advice is when we change our responses the other person often does.
We can’t let the past dictate our future. Later you will have the opportunity to address the relatinship issues, most likely in therapy.
I do get your hurt, however you need to deal with this yourself and later with him, if you reconcile.
Now for these conversations I would limit it to 10-20 minutes. I know my partner Chris can’t take any more than thirty minutes on the relationship chat, and I could go on for a lot longer. He luckily tells me that’s enough for now and of course I respect him. Then we go and do something fun taking the pressure off. IN your case I would end on an upbeat curious note and leave after the 10 minutes are up.
Good luck !
Philipa
Hi Philipa
I’ve been with my husband for 10 years married for 8. We have two beautiful children together and he took on my eldest two children as his own. We are mid thirties. We were so happy for years, genuinely best friends and never argued. Then I got pregnant after baby number 3, unplanned. I lost the baby and it had such an effect on me. I was desperate to get pregnant again and ended up with OCD which both made him feel controlled. He took a while to bond with baby number 4 and when things got difficult he blamed me for pressuring him. Ive always had a good job. I helped him get an amazing job which I knew he’d be great at but soon in to the new job he changed. I found he’d been inappropriately texting a girl ten years younger. This was the first time in 9 years I’d checked his phone. To say it broke me is an understatement. I ended up with PTSD. We tried counselling but he hates talking about it all he gets so angry from his guilt. He cried and said he didn’t want me to leave and said he’d lost his way. But I can’t trust him. I’m constantly on at him, he got a new life now new friends and he seems to be having a bit of a midlife crisis as he’s not helping with the children off doing his own thing. I think these new friends make him feel young whereas me and the children remind him he’s an adult. I’m suspicious that he has his phone on silent, and he came home from his Xmas do at 5am on Friday and I flipped. Every day I’m upset and stressing, asking for reassurance, asking him the same questions over again. Then I get the silent treatment for days, like right now he’s saying he doesn’t know if he can stay with me anymore because I’m pushing him away and he can’t take it. He says I need to leave him alone. It’s not fair on the children us arguing. My family is breaking up a week before Xmas. We can’t move forward unless I trust him and I need him to stop making me feel like I’m just here to look after him and giving me things to worry about. I begged him this morning to not leave me but he gets annoyed. My friends think he’d have gone by now if he was cheating. If he’s cheating though I don’t want him. I’m so lost and in the dark.
Dear Jo,
thanks for your email. Yes I can hear your distress and anguish in your email.
There seems to be a real impasse. Frankly the upset part of you may be driving your partner out the door.
I can hear there are unresolved issues in the partnership.
There is good news and bad news. The bad news is the relationship won’t change unless we heal our inner anxieties and the way they play out.
Adn now for the good news. PTSD and OCd can be debilating but are treatable. You get to change you for the better.
The last resort will give you are blueprint for change. By doing a 180 you offer a yoru relationship a superb chance of not becoming another divorce statistic. You need to find a marriage friendly therapist to help you through this and deal with the part of you feeling super insecure. I would bet that is the part chasing and begging to no helpful end.
I am answering your email with advice but I am not sure what you are rady to change in contacting us here. I get your situation is horrible, especially at this time of the year. However I would respectfully suggest this gives you an huge break out for change and an opportunity for healing.
Complaints don’t often end in resolution, and take a person power away. Often provoking a defensive reaction from the person feeling blamed or accused.
When I work with couples I suggest the hurt person bring up their needs in a soft and non accusatory way which expresses their true emotions.
I would say, something like “I get scared you were out till 5 am in the morning the other day, as thigns have not been easy in the relationship I need some comfort and reassurance please?”
See how this offers an opening and a way for your partner to come forward.
I would be jumpimg head first into the LRT pronto! good luck.
Regards Philipa
Hi There
9 weeks ago my wife of 20yrs dropped the bombshell i care for you buy I don’t love you, a couple of days later she left and in now living at a one of her girlfriends house,i tried all the texting and calling and meetings for the first month she was just cold, i now rarely get a text from her and haven’t seen her for 4 weeks, she’s pooping in Xmas day to see our son but then she’s off to spend the day at a friends house,I think she is having a mid life crisis as she says she wants to be happy for herself now and the last 20plus yrs she has been miserable, that there were no good memories from our relationship, her leaving has left me absolutely crushed, i have already started the not txting or calling first part just wondering if you have any further advise,
Thanks Sean
Dear Sean,
It’s great you have made a start on the LRT. My advice is to read it, get the book and apply the hang out of it.
I have been working with a person who’s partner questioning there relationship. Interestingly as they let og of holding on, contorolling and their insecurity their partner has stepped into this space.
So give it your best shot. Good luck.
Best Wishes
Philipa
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No thanks, I want to offer some content later if people are interested in more support with the LRT. However I am not interested in advertising.
Thank you
PHilipa
My wife and I separated 9 months ago and I have had no progress in trying to repair the marriage. She just wouldn’t engage at all. So I needed some space and after going “no contact” for the second time in recent months after 5 weeks my wife cracked big time and has started contacting me.
THIS TIME… I will be following the LRT.
I have backed off, and been upbeat and nice to her. She has admitted to still loving me, missing me and looking for me when she is out. I have played it very nice.
I am not pursuing, delaying responding to texts (which is getting her mad) and keeping calls brief.
I hope I see some change. What’s to lose right?
Dear Rick,
you have the right idea, I am glad you are seeing the progress already from your wife’s contact. Totally everything to gain!
When delaying text message replies, I would suggest not leaving it for hours, unless it has been a necessity and then giving the person a heads up. My advice would be to aim more for taking a few minutes, say 3-5 minutes but under 30 minutes. I am sure you are doing this.
Good luck with it!
Best Wishes Philipa
Thanks Philipa,
Unfortunately there has been confusing negative progression. 2 am Texts about moving on and nothing has changed for her. Wanting just to “be friends”.
I thought based upon the advice just to stay upbeat and thanked her for her feelings. I agreed with her, if nothing has changed for her then I understand she needs to move on and left it at that. It is in the hands of the Universe but I wanted to maintain my high road.
Onwards into 2018…
Well done, Rick!
Friendships are valuable too. Let me remind you all of romantic friendships and fallings out. One famous couple would be Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor. They separate and divorced many times. Trivia question – how manu times did they remarry?
Twice. Although Elizabeth Taylor really gave the insitution of marriage a tremendous effort, She married eight times to seven husbands.
Yes sometimes fate has other plans. The less we hold on to outcome the freer we are. I like the high road as it gives you a better view.
Indeed, onwards 2018.
Best Wishes Philipa
Hi Philipa
Back again need some help was following the system then on Xmas day my wife came round to see our son all was going well I thought she was staying for dinner then I cannot remember what happened apparently I gave my wife my wedding ring and told her to get out before I had a meltdown I just can’t remember the trigger, my parents said my wife left in tears and my son met her later and she told him I gave her my ring back before telling her to leave: I sent her a txt msg apology but not heard back, thought I was making good progress bet looks like I have sabotaged any reconciliation. Should I try and contact her or just leave it, am so hurt bye this breakup & am sure she’s in full blown mid life crisis so do the same rules apply.look forward to your reply
Thanks Sean
Dear Sean,
wow that reactive part of you is not good for your relationship, oh dear this is a real setback.
I am guessing here but it sounds like your expectations of her staying for dinner and the subsequent let down lead to this cranky part damaging the progress.
This is something only you can counteract. Remember no one can make us feel anything, we chose both our feelings and our responses.
I am certain you will want to get help on this, your behaviour was not in your best interests. Forget about labelling hers.
Stop doing any apologising until you get some clarity on your own reactivity and then address this in a new helpful way.
Please check out the Resources Section for more help.
I do appreciate you sharing this setback, I am sure we all feel for you and your hurt, this takes more courage to sit with as opposed to anger. And no one of us has been perfect, go for progress. It is about the repair after the rupture.
Best Wishes Philipa
Hi Philipa
Thanks for the quick reply, will take your advise on board and try moving forward , have also ordered the book so looking forward to reading that, just got to get back into a good headspace as nothing has worked so far so nothing else to loose, will keep you posted & thanks again.
Sean
Dear Sean,
You are most welcome. It is wonderful to read you are wanting to learn more about this and naturally yourself in the process.
You can order the book off my website in the blog post on the LRT YouTube videos ( Yes you can see and hear me discess the LRT) https://marriageworks.com.au/2017/12/last-resort-technique-lrt-video-series/
Thanks ever so much and well will look forward to reading your progress updates.
Best Wishes Philipa
Hi i have stressful situation. My husband and i have been married 16 yrs 3 children. 12 yrs ago i gave someone my number but nothing happened. There were no emotional attachments. He uses stonewalling and i use little lies to protect ourselves. We have been in counseling for 3 yrs and every 6 months weve had the same pattern where if he feels threatened he stops talking to me for weeks. It can be anything like the budget etc. The therapist tells me that i always own my crap but my husband only does the bare minimum. He told me 4 months ago he said he wanted a divorce. I was shocked bc i have been very transparent with everything!!! He just stated that he does not feel safe and that he cant trust me. I told him that his constant stonewalling causes me the same trust issues but he claims im the reason he stonewalls. I know this isint true bc hes stonewalled since he was a kid.
He told me yesterday hes purchasing a house. Hes been gone for five weeks for a separation but does not want to do a therapetic separation bc he doesnt see ot working. Im so sad. I cant convince someone to stay nor will i obligate someone to stay with me. My girls are struggling and think he is just running away. My therapist cant make him stay but she cant council us if we are on different pages. What do i do? I love my family and i know myself. I am not a liar and i dont want to break up my family
Dear Anonymous,
This certainly is a stressful situation and time.
16 years can build a lot of hurt and resentment up.
Reading between the lines of your email ( apologies if it’s not correct), there appears to be both unresolved trust and safety issues in your marriage and possibly earlier in your lives.
When people go into protective and defensive patterns such as stonewalling, this can be a manifestation of a trauma response.
I see it all the time in my sessions. Folks who have been traumatised in childhood often have to ‘freeze’, the body goes rigid and silent. This has saved them when their parents are arguing and they are scared. When this part has taken over in times of stress, intellectual reasoning goes offline. However what happens for the partner on the end of the silence is they become louder, increasing the freeze reaction (an emotional overload) and then lose heart and usually go silence themselves, in an if you can’t beat em’ join them.
If a partner says they are not feeling safe, this could possibly be a sign of the above.
Therefore the partner who can connect with a mature part needs to work with the communucation.
I have read or heard somewhere – Bandler and GRinder or Tad James and it’s from NLP “the meaning of the communication is the response you get.” This statement gives us an opportunity to turn the mirror on our ways of expression and review them. If we keep getting the same results from the person we are interacting with i.e explosions or silence or other unhelpful responses. Messages can take very different meanings from our use of language, expression, tone, psoture and gesture.
My main message in all this I hope is clear, you can’t change your partner. That’s the bad news, the good news is you can change you.
We often believe we are sharing ourselves clearly however if the response is a shutdown or less than ideal, perhaps we are not.
From your email, I imagine your partner will feel heavily criticised and this really is a nail in the relationship coffin. You have to soften the language. I don’t use the term stonewalling as I don’t relly believe it helps. It may lead to futher regression. What is happening is is a withdrawal and needs to be both understood and tackled therapeutically for change. Labelling can increase the likelihood of a shame shutdown.
Sadly you may be right about the running away, it may be he is running away from the attack/ defend pattern of the old relationship.
I reckon you both have not heard each other’s hurt, pain and distress. When you can hear your partner’s side with an open heart it may lead to a change.
Good luck with it and best wishes Philipa
Thank you. He did have a traumatic childhood and thus was his defense. How can i apprach him now? He wants to start divorce papers. I want to try a last ditch effort weekend counseling intensive. What language can I use beside stonewalling? I have not come out of desperation but i am not sure what to do and not make things worse.
Dear Anonymous,
You are welcome. When a person’s spouse has had a traumatic childhood unless there has been tremendous support and therapy there can often be residual issues in relationships. I say often here, but not always. Nothing is ever carved in stone luckliy.
I specialize in trauma and see this time and again. Trauma survivors will use trauma survival tactics as a defense. From the research this is a biological process – you have most likely heard of the fight, flight or freeze response. When a person has this part in the driver’s seat they will most likely be unable to access an intellectual reasoning state. In my experience therapies that help a person process and resolve trauma – Resource Therapy, Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing (EMDR), Ego State Therapy, Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, Radical Exposure Therapy ( a form of Tapping, or Emotional Freedom Technique EFT) and the like. Talking therapy while helping gain an intellectual understanding of our problems which of course is beneficial, often doesn’t get the change a person requires. The part which i feeling hurt, rejected, abandoned or fearful needs to be worked with directly. Those therapies mentioned do this to great advantage and save hours of therapy time.
I can certainly understand your eagerness and perhaps a certain amount of pressure as the divorce process starts. Anonymous last ditch efforts like a therapy intensive, are I respectfully suggest, not in your relationships best interest form the information you have told us.
The rationale being a person’s partner may feel this as a pressure, and of course this is not what the LRT recommends, reread Step One for a refresher. From your knowledge of your partner, their history and the information above, you may get this would not be the best way to tackle things and as you say make things worse. I totally believe you are coming from good intentions, though your husband from past expereince will almost certainly react in the old pattern. By the way I am not suggesting here you tell your husband he needs therapy. Too confronting and people need to be ready to make their own change.
Our communication with our partners needs to come from a place of integrity and gentleness, is without labeling or accusation. It comes from a place of love and openness where we share our feelings and vulnerabilities. It describes what happens and our response.
If it is appropriate and your husband is wanting to work through things with you, the conversation about what he does and how it impacts you can be started.
For now I would be asking him in a soft way, what it are his complaints in the marriage. I would then shut up and listen wwithout defense and reflect their points back to ensure I was getting the message. I would then thank them for being honest, go away and think about things and work on what I need to. Here is some more help https://marriageworks.com.au/helpful-therapy-resources-on-the-web/
Best of luck,
Phiiipa
So we went to the intensive bc i had already paid and he stated that he has to think about trying again. I am nervous but it was good to finally clear the air of past resentments and hurt. What should i do in the meantime to influence him for good? The goal is to try therapy for 2 months And be fully committed to see how it goes. Help??!
Dear Anon,
your focus must be on you as the LRT Step 2 advice. Forget trying to influence him. No one likes to feel they are being played and despite our best intentions, this is often how it feels when we attempt to manipulate another for good or otherwise.
So I would work on influencing and growing your to be your best self.
Best Wishes,
PHilipa
Hi,
I went to the intensive. The therapist was fantastic and is very pro marriage. I wanted to try to work on things and give it three months with full commitment to see if we can make it work. My husband stated that he still was not sure and he needed to think about it. This was 3 days ago. I am staying positive and working on being transparent and honest. What is your suggestions during this time period?
Thanks
Thats great. Keep on reinventing you and being your best self with what you are doing!
Cheers PHilipa
Dear Anon,
that is wonderful to hear, thanks for the update. Keep up a the LRT in a modified version, especially step 2, rebuild you!
Good Luck,
Philipa
I’ve been separated for almost 4 months now. Living in separate homes and my wife started the divorce process. She suddenly told me she wasn’t happy and moved out. I did everything I was not supposed to do and went into panic mode. Things haved calm down a little and I am trying to pursue happiness without her and show her that I am a better person. I miss her so much and I do not want to divorce and I don’t understand why it is happening. Some of the reason she gave me sounded more like excuses but I took accountability and I tried to change. She has been dealing with some emotional hurt not being able to come to me and talk to me about it. That was one of my flaws I wasn’t a good listener and there when she had a emotional problem. Anytime I talk to her or open my Herat up she thinks I’m tuning things and not worrying about my flaws.
I gave her my everything and put her first in everything and supported her hobbies and goals she has. I’ve been a good father to our 4 year old as well. But my wife has checked out for a couple years and I thought it was just a faze she was going through cause of a goal she was trying to achieve. I had know idea she wasn’t happy cause we were some what intimate still, but not as much.
She has had a bad childhood and we recently had her father had passed away. I tried to break through and talk to her about these things but she gets mad and thinks I’m not worrying about myself. She refuse marriage counseling and is living on her own now.
We never argue now and we work our visitations with our child very well. I recently told her my feelings one more time and told her this will be the last time I will open up to you. I know she still cares for me because she is constantly looking at my social media. I have been pretending I am ok and post pictures of me going out. Thanks for the good advice I just need to be able to apply them better. Cause I still break down at times and cannot sleep thinking about her.
I still don’t understand why I wasn’t worthy enough to try and go to counseling and fix this problem. She did not have a good answer for me I thought there was an affair but I believe her now there wasn’t. But she did make lots of new friendships and some were males. I always had full trust her though she made new friendships because of the sport MMA she is doing.
We are not very far in the divorce process I’m still hoping she has a change of heart.
Dear Ryan,
I get you are having a tough time there. The LRT will give you some ideas to put into action, this may help you feel more in control.
I will give you some advice here too. As always it is general and for all and is suggested in the spirit of helping and healing.
This is really good to read:
“Things haved calm down a little and I am trying to pursue happiness without her and show her that I am a better person. I miss her so much and I do not want to divorce and I don’t understand why it is happening. Some of the reason she gave me sounded more like excuses but I took accountability and I tried to change. She has been dealing with some emotional hurt not being able to come to me and talk to me about it.”
The only issue i have is you cannot ‘try’ to change. It’s like being pregnant you either are or you aren’t. I think it might be Alcoholics Anonymous ( AA) where they say “trying is lying.” What they mean is that you have to be and live the change 100%.
Pretending you are ok will not make the grade I am afraid. People are too cluey and will see through the act.
Your statement “I still don’t understand why I wasn’t worthy enough to try and go to counseling and fix this problem. ” suggests to me a part of you is not feeling good enough. Yes you can take yourself off to counselling and this is a fixable problem. This may have caused the lack of trust you have. When we feel secure within ourselves we allow others to be their best selves in all their relationships.
People I totally advise saying things like ” this is the last time etc” NOT helpful and likely to be untrue so don’t back yoruself into that corner. No ultimatums or stuff like this. This is anti LRT. Stop anything that sounds remotely like this talk or behaviour this minute.
From your email, you are aware your partner has had a ‘bad’ childhood. Now I am not sure what this means but it is informing. Obviously if the abuse or neglect has not been resolved it is going to show up in our relationships. This means we need compassion and support to heal. With the loss of a parent, this hurt can be very close to the surface.
Ryan, you need to offer unconditional love. This may mean letting go entirely.
Definitely read and use the LRT and the blog posts here for best results.
Best of luck and please let us know your results.
Philipa
Hi Philipa,
Been married for 28 years and out of no where my wife said she didn’t love me and she moved out of the house. We have been separated for about a year now. Now she is wanting a divorce. I am emotionally devastated, in shock, and don’t know what to do. I will try this last resort technique. I made the mistake of trying to send too many emails to convince her to come back by pointing out I much I love her, made so many positive changes, and I’m totally focused on making a happy marriage…but she says, “too little, too late.” This is the classic walk away wife syndrome. I didn’t see this coming. The more I tried to reach out, the more it pushed her away. I get it now but I hope it’s not too late. Doing no contact is the hardest thing to do because you feel like you’re dying inside and love is slipping away. She definitely has her wall up now. I just don’t know what to do to get her to come back home for a second chance. I have put my heart and soul into working so hard to make everything right but I’m still not able to connect with you now. If she did come home, then I can put forth the positive action steps to rekindle the love again…but how can I do that if she’s not willing to give me a chance? She’s being very stubborn now. It’s hurting the entire family but she doesn’t care.
Thanks so much. David
Dear David,
I am glad you have found the Laat Resort Technique, others are here for you.
So sorry this is a huge upheaval of Mount Agung proportions. When volcanoes erupt they often give us more land once the dust settles.
I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news but it’s highly unusual after 28 years this has come from nowhere.
We often have to look back within the relationship and do a review.
What were the complaints your partner made over the years? What were my complaints? How did I respond to these issues? Did I hear them with an open heart and work with my partner to address them? Or did I ignore them and when they stopped mentioning it think things were better?
Get a pen and paper and answer those questions and keep writing to yourself until you feel you have the answeres on this.
My rationale for doing this is you cannot go in blind, in order for a repair you need to find the noise in the engine and find the best part to get it running smoothly. Makes sense, huh?
Your focus needs to be on you right now. Research, get help, find a coach, a relationship mentor. Apply the LRT with the utmot gusto.
Give it your best!
Good luck Philipa
Hi Philipa,
I have read this technique with interest.
My husband told me on 23rd December that he doesn’t want to be married. We have been married for 16 years and have 5 children together. I knew things weren’t quite right and have been drifting apart – but was hoping it was a dip in the path and we would find our way again soon.
My husband has PTSD from his military career (left 8 years ago) and has recently been in contact with some old friends from the good old days. He has been meeting up and then not coming home until the next day without any communication.
Since the 23rd he has been sleeping downstairs. We have spoken loads (more than in a long time). Towards me he is not sure what he feels and I am absolutely devastated and have said that I want to fight for our marriage. Apart from the sleeping at home nothing else has changed – in fact he has chosen to come and watch tv with me and invited me along (with 3 of the kids) on a family hike. Plus been more involved at home with the kids. He says that there is no one else involved (or potentially involved).
He has agreed to try counselling together – we start on Friday. The technique you have described above I have been trying as much as I can but I don’t want to come across as too cold or flippant. I am now trying to save my hurt and upset until I’m on my own. He has mentioned that he thought I was uncaring – I do find it hard to show emotion to him (I’m a sweep under the carpet and carry on type of person), but all this has opened up something in me and I am an emotional mess!
I have booked myself onto a yoga course for me and have made dates with friends to go out – but how to balance this with showing that I care, love him and what to fight for this?
Dear Helen,
thanks for your email.
Reading through it, i believe you are on the right track with the LRT. While you may not have to apply it as drastically you can do the ‘light version.’
Applying the no chasing, be mysterious type. She is hard to catch and yet easy to be with ( same for men).
Reading between the lines perhaps you have soldiered on yourself in the marriage. This can lead to the other party feeling shut out or worse alone and abandoned. A marriage is built on team work. Which means sharing all of yourself. This needs to happen in the future I would suspect.
The greatest benefit you will receive from the LRT is in applying Step 2 – getting a life. You are spot on, booking a Yoga retreat and catching up with friends. Totally mixx it up become unpredictable, reinvent you for you. Indeed I would mirror his behaviour a little, monkey see, monkey do for an experiment.
Stop asking anymore on where he is at etc and focus on you. We do this for us in a self caring, which is in no way selfish.
It’s great he’s more involved with the family, accept all these invites.
You can be warm, charming and do the LRT. It is aobut building up you and your value.
Best of luck and let us know your progress.
Regards Philipa
Hi Philip a
I have been reading through a lot of the posts by other people and like the idea of LRT however my situation is unique and I would like your opinion as to how I can implement LRT.
My husband and I have been married for 27 years and separates for the past 5.
We run a business together and need to have contact numerous times during the day (usually via phone).
During the 5 year separation we have continued to work together and holiday together and had a lot of ups and downs. We are still great friends but I want more.. I want us to live together and resume life as a couple. The only problem is I think I have missed the boat. Up until a couple of weeks ago he was sitting on the fence and said he could go either way with our personal relationship. I should have jumped at the opportunity but instead I pushed him in the other direction as I don’t believe that I can yet again satisfy him sexually .. I had a hysterectomy about 12 months ago and although we have tried found it quite painful.
I expressed to him my concern over the sex and think I pushed him in the other direction. He has now been seeing someone new for a couple of weeks and we had a massive fight a few days ago (probably our worst ever) and he is now wanting a divorce. I have asked him to please re-consider and that I believe that we have now hit rock bottom (after 5 years) and that I would like to reconcile and live together and rebuild our relationship. He is digging his heals in and says he will still work with me in our family business but all personal contact has to stop. This is so very painful.
We have been together since we were 17 and remained close throughout our separation. We have tried to work things out previously however when doing so have not lived together.
I have not been the easiest person to deal with during this time due to health issues but he has always been there to support me. He will not consider counselling.
I still love him so much …
* could you please not use my real name – thank you
PleAse help.
Many thanks
Dear J,
I will not use a person’s full name ever on this site and have shortened the one you provided to an initial.
Oh dear I have to agree you may have missed the boat ony many things, however the LRT definitely will give you an opportunity to grow, whether it is in this relationship or another.
Urgently apply Step 1 and stop anything that would look like chasing. This means not asking him where he is at, what are his plans, over texting keep it to business and certainly to suggesting counselling. You have to do a 180 and wish him well.
J this need to be a priority as you said in your email he is in the early stages of seeing someone. That means anything that looks like or feels as if it’s a pressure from your end will be in deep contrast and sound very different to the fun of discovering a new person. Heed my warning and heads up at your relationships peril.
Reading your email, I am sorry to hear you are in both emotional and physical pain, and this is where Step 2 comes in. I respectfully advise your priority is to care for yourself. Get a make over, learn who you are repair the body and heal the self esteem. This is the most attractive thing we can do.
Learn to be the easiest person to deal with despite your health issues and stop putting any possible burden on him, you want to be light and fun. 100 % no complaining or whining, or pleading at all! You need to make a remarkable recovery, so give it your best efforts. You have said your piece to him and you really need to hear him, that is the loving thing to do and you have said you do love him. So stop doing anything personal with the contact, respect his wishes. Sorry to be blunt but I want to help you as best I can with a few words in an email, I am sure the part of you that can hear this will be reading my message in the spirit of love and growth.
This will give you the chance to grow and him a potential opportunity to miss you.
Then apply Step 3, wait.
Good luck,
Philipa
Thanks for your kind words Philipa.
I am applying LRT and even though it has been only a few days he is asking how I am more regularly .. don’t know if this is a sign of missing me on a personal level or out of pity.
I have remained polite and trying to be upbeat (although a struggle at the moment). I have shown no interest at all in his personal life and out contact had been only for business.
About 6 months ago we booked to go on a cruise with friends (as previously mentioned we have maintained a friendship through our separation and have often holiday together as neither have had other partners). This cruise is in 2 weeks time and I do not know what his intention is.. I have thought about cancelling the whole thing but that would disappoint our friends. I do not know how to deal with it if we do go .. however I do not think his new girlfriend of a couple of weeks will be understanding. If he chooses to go then should I use this as an opportunity to bring us closer or should I not go if he goes?
If he chooses not to go then I think I will still go and use this as an opportunity to soul search and try and get myself into a more positive feel about my future.
Your thoughts would be appreciated.
Dear Jeanine,
My absolute pleasure – I only want to help you all here.
From reading your email that’s definitely a postive sign of care, regardless what we can or can’t guess. Give yourself a break on the overthinking and analysing. Those parts can fuel anxiety – not pretty adn then can lead to a relapse on STep 1 the Chase. STOP.
Good work on being polite upbeat and respecting his and your own boundaries. This 180 will help breath new air into things.
Gee you are overworking the cruise trip. Who did the actual booking 6 months ago?
Ask him what he would like to do. I’d guess it would be either cancel or take the new girlfriend – Sorry that may not be what you wanted to hear, I’m being a realist. Indeed I would using the LRT even suggest he takes her. Heaven knows it may even be in yoru best interests. There’s nothing like being cooped up in a cabin nowehere to go to test things. It may all fall apart. It will give him a chance to recall how well you travelled and you can be there being your best self when he returns to tell his woes.
Here you are applying the LRT fully with the I am happy and have moved on part of the LRT. Which I would suggest may be vital given where your relationship is. This has to be done fully and with patience.
Whatever you do I would most kindly think it would not be on a cruise with him. Go on your own holiday to do your soul-searching. do Step 2 and book yourself a great holiday. Be warned holidaying together at this time. Besides if you get back together you can have all the holidays from then on!
Thata’s my ideas. I would be curious to hear what others think. Perhaps you have had this situation yourself? Please comment below and share your thoughts as this would help others too.
Good Luck!
Philipa
Hello,
My husband and I are currently at the start of a trial separation. We got married October 2016 and over the last year we have moved into a new house which we renovated which was the origin of most of our problems now. We didnt work well at a team together during this period and with poor communication we disagreed on most things which led to arguments. Since then we had been up and down and then one day my husband basically said that he didnt want to be with me anymore/he didnt feel happy anymore. I knew that we were at each other a lot but I was totally shocked with what he was saying and NEVER thought he would just leave like that without wanting to try and work things out. He left the house and I didnt think he was coming back! 3 weeks later he came back and we tried to work on things! The last 5 months has been up and down filled with fun times and bad times and I felt like I was just in limbo not knowing what he really wanted or what I really wanted or how to fix anything. A few nights ago my husband said that he feels like he cant do this anymore and something has to change. He suggested we have some time apart to get our true happy selves back and hopefully come back together as a happy couple like we used to be. I would have preferred to try and fix things again under one roof but as we kept discussing I felt like it may be a good idea so we can try to focus on ourselves and step back from the relationship and really see what was happening and realise what we were doing to contribute to this outcome. We are both hopeful that we will go back to the way we were. He said that he loves me and wants to be with me but feels like he cant be with me right now because if we continue on the path that we are on then it could ruin everything forever. He doesnt want us to get to the point where we hate each other and this way we can try to fix things now so everything will be good in the future and this never happens again. We have decided that 6months max is a good amount of time but I am just unsure of how often we should be communicating or seeing each other etc? Can a trial separation really a good thing or will this make us drift further apart.
Any thoughts would be great 🙂
Dear Kira,
time apart for reflection and self healing can be extremely useful and healing.
I do think if you keep repeating the same mistakes you will keep damaging the relationship. Taking a breather saves you both from creataing irrepairable damage.
So yes, I believe a trial separation can be a perfect opportunity for a reset and to learn about yourself adn relationship patterns. I know it is anxiety making but secure love is based on the ability to differentiate. Find a therapist to help you on this.
Personally I would let him take the lead on contact. So use the LRt in a mini version, not where you are moving on. Instead you are growing yourself. I can hear that old relationship wasn’t working for you both. You need ot own and change your part in that. Often one person becoming more mature and reasoned in themselves benefits all involved.
Please apply Step 1 in terms of not discussing the realtionship and the problems, you need to get back to the fun and lightness that brought you together. Be that nice person your partner fell in love with, let that part of you shine through, not the anxious fearful part.
That’s my two cents worth.
Best of luck with it!
Regards Philipa
Hello again,
Its about 1 month into our trial separation at the moment and I have been struggling a bit. He has left the house and been staying at his parents place.I have been using the LRT as a mini version like you said to better myself which has been great! I am feeling more like myself and a lot happier! I am just a bit confused at the moment with what has been happening.
Over the last few weeks my husband has come to see me a few times by just dropping in (when he knew I would be home) without letting me know. I am glad to see him but I am just not prepared- I would prefer notice so I can atleast make myself decent looking and prepare how I am going to act around him. The first time he just hung around and was though he wanted to just hang out. We just talked about what we had been doing the last few weeks and our lives and had a good time together. He stayed for quite a few hours and it was as though he didnt want to leave. He was being flirty and a bit touchy feely and at this time I was a bit taken back and wasnt reciprocating because I was confused but we were still having fun with each other and it ended positively. We messaged each other saying that it was good to see you tonight etc after he had left.
I went on a holiday the next week for about a week and he offered to stay at our house while I was gone to feed the dogs and look after things etc. He also said he wanted to fix a few things around the house so its ready to sell. He has said that he hates the house now because of all of the negative things associated with it to do with us and if we get back together he doesnt want us to live back there but to get something new and start fresh! I feel he is being too rash with that but can understand it to an extent. I checked in with him once while I was away to see how everything was going etc and he was asking about my trip- all positive messages. The night I got back he wasnt at the house but we had another positive convo via text message.
The next day was my day off and he just dropped in again without letting me know. This is what has confused me! He was saying that he thinks about me everyday and that he wanted to come and see me because he missed me. But then he also said that even though he misses me he doesnt want to see me everyday and doesnt know what that means exactly. He also said that he doesnt want to lose me but doesnt want to lead me on etc but then was all over me and we ended up having sex! He said that he wants someone to spend the rest of his life with and wants that person to be me. I said to him that this limbo stage has been really hard and he agreed that he was hurting too. I said that I dont want this limbo stage to go on for an extended period of time (not sure if I should have said that- maybe I need to be more patient?) and that if hes out or thinking that theres not a chance of reconciliation then he needs to tell me now and we can just separate our things and its over. I would prefer that over doing this for months and months and then having the same result. He reassured me by saying that hes not out yet and that he loves me and kissed me. He said that he was coming back on the weekend to finish the jobs he was doing on the house and we could talk more about it then but he never came and I didnt hear from him at all. I havent heard from him at all since then really which was about 1 and a half weeks ago. I guess he hasnt come to a conclusion yet but I just dont know if the lack of communication should be worrying or not? I am giving him space and leaving the contact upto him but it just makes everything confusing! Should I just let him be until he contacts me? If he doesnt for the next month say where does that leave me?
Any insight would be good!
Thanks 🙂
Dear Kira,
Good job girl!
A couple of slips but on the right track. Yes be more patient. I get it is hard and anxiety making having no certaintity. However if you press for timings or dates you will most likely push them out the door faster. Deal with this part of you in therapy or find a way to reassure you. My mantra is whatever will be, will be. And it will be for teh good of all concerned. It lets of of fear and any outcome.
My other suggestion, is your get up in the morning and look your most gorgeous every day right from the get go and you do this for you! I might arrange some girl time out too. Keep him wanting more and ending on a good note.
Yes you follow his lead. Relax and let him see how much has been changing, stop any talk of the relationship. Keep up your own life and interests. A big thumbs up.
Keep us posted!
Best Philipa
Hi Phillipa!
Thanks for your advice! Over the last few weeks I have been doing what you recommended and he has wanted to see me a few times meaning has just come around etc but then has also been pushing to finish things off around the house so it will be ready to sell. He has basically said that he feels like due to all of the negative things that has led us to this situation in the house he doesnt want anything to do with it anymore and wants us to sell so we can both move on with or without each other. He says that he is focusing on what will make him happy atm and wants the house out of his name so he can go and buy a farm and big land which is what he has always wanted and to try and get back to his happy self.This was always our plan together though. The house we are in now was always supposes to be a stepping stone.
I feel that we need to know what is going on with us before we make a big decision like that and we should have time apart first and then decide what we will do. He says he wont beable to make a decision about us until the house is sold! At the moment I feel he is being incredibly selfish and manipulative/almost trapping me/forcing me to do what he wants because he is put out at the moment because he is living in a tiny transportable room out the back of his parents house and doesnt want to explore any other temporary options. Because he sees us as separated at the moment he is focused on himself and what he wants to do without considering me.
I have told him so many times that if he wants us to be over he needs to tell me straight up but insists that he isnt out and still loves me. He says his heart tells him to come back to me now but his head tells him otherwise so he is still on the fence. I feel like he wants his cake and eat it too by wanting to do whatever he wants in the meantime but then have the option of being back with me later. I feel like seeing him makes this harder and to an extent want him to see what his life would really be like without me so it may be best to not have any contact/communication at all from now on? Its just so hard and confusing! ?
Dear Kira,
You are in a bind here. I guess you have to make some decisions.
I read this passage from you email:
At the moment I feel he is being incredibly selfish and manipulative/almost trapping me/forcing me to do what he wants because he is put out at the moment because he is living in a tiny transportable room out the back of his parents house and doesnt want to explore any other temporary options.
I am going to play devil’s advocare (sic) and say aren’t you doing the same thing? Just a different version by refusing to discuss and explore all the options. I know it sounds tough but I want you to have more flexibility in this. A house is a house.
Your relationship is more than four walls. If you continue to persist you will be stuck in a losing battle.
In the LRT we do not ask relationship questions – you won’t get the answer as you have found. Deal with your hurt and resentment in healing ways for yourself. You cannot scheme or plan what he will or won’t do. I believe you have to accept both yourself and his position.
Doesn’t mean you like it but love is at the heart of it acceptance.
Reread the LRT and focus on the possible blind spots you may now be aware of. Employ those!
Good luck,
PHilipa
Hi Phillipa!
Thanks for your advice! Over the last few weeks I have been doing what you recommended and he has wanted to see me a few times meaning has just come around etc but then has also been pushing to finish things off around the house so it will be ready to sell. He has basically said that he feels like due to all of the negative things that has led us to this situation in the house he doesnt want anything to do with it anymore and wants us to sell so we can both move on with or without each other. He says that he is focusing on what will make him happy atm and wants the house out of his name so he can go and buy a farm and big land which is what he has always wanted and to try and get back to his happy self.This was always our plan together though. The house we are in now was always supposes to be a stepping stone.
I feel that we need to know what is going on with us before we make a big decision like that and we should have time apart first and then decide what we will do. He says he wont beable to make a decision about us until the house is sold! At the moment I feel he is being incredibly selfish and manipulative/almost trapping me/forcing me to do what he wants because he is put out at the moment because he is living in a tiny transportable room out the back of his parents house and doesnt want to explore any other temporary options. Because he sees us as separated at the moment he is focused on himself and what he wants to do without considering me.
I have told him so many times that if he wants us to be over he needs to tell me straight up but insists that he isnt out and still loves me. He says his heart tells him to come back to me now but his head tells him otherwise so he is still on the fence. I feel like he wants his cake and eat it too by wanting to do whatever he wants in the meantime but then have the option of being back with me later. I feel like seeing him makes this harder and to an extent want him to see what his life would really be like without me so it may be best to not have any contact/communication at all from now on? Its just so hard and confusing! ?
Any suggestions on trying to accomplish the last resort technique with a 4 month old in tow? It’s hard to keep myself out and occupied while trying to care for a baby all day. Baby and I do a lot of things but hubby doesn’t get home til around dinner time and we are always here then. I’m in crisis mode and have already started implementing some of the things I can, but a baby is an added element….? Help!
Dear Estella,
congratulations on your baby.
Good work on ap0plying the LRT. I would start to be a bit unpredictable. I will make some suggestions but of course only apply those which fit for you and your situation.
Perhaps I would leave hubby and baby for an hour or so at dinner time, while I went on an errand or met a friend. Have dinner at a later time.
Be warm when you say hello and good bye. Tell your partner what a fun day you had once they have settled in from work. Join a mothers group.
Get yourself some therapy and support. I would love you to be enjoying your wee one.
I am surprised you are applying the LRT and would like to know why to be honest.
Sending you all love and luck,
Philipa
Honestly, I think my husband is going through some baby blues and sprung on me about a week ago that he isn’t happy and is considering ending our marriage of five years (together for 13). I am beside myself. I was blind sided. I have already started looking into some mommy and me classes for us! Hard to leave baby with hubby because he isn’t coming home very much. He was wanted everything we have (including a baby) for as long as I can remember. He pulled the I love you but not in love with you card and thinks of me more as a mom than a wife. I am not going to let our family fall apart.
Dear Estella,
my heart goes out to you! You poor thing. Congratulations on your lovely baby.
I cannot guess what you or your husand are going through. Naturally and necessarily your new baby takes up a joyous amount of time and energy especially in the first year or so. In my practice I have seen folk struggle with the move from 2-3, it is an adjustment. Being a new mum of course you have your hands full.
Many of us have not had a lot to do with babies until we have one ourselves. Dad’s I think struggle to know where best to fit in, they haven’t got a boob to offer, feel disconcerted handling a wee one and may not be used to crying as baby tells us what she needs. They can flee to work or outside the home as a way to cope. You may be right this could be baby blues, not that we would say this but I can hear you have compassion.
i have often had men say they felt rejected and sidelined at this time ( of course this was not intentioned by the wife at all in the beginning but over time nothing changed). it is important we get a working harmony between being the MUM and the Wife. One thing babies offer is unconditional love, so your love cup may be pretty full, however, your husband’s might feel low. Mum and Bub do get most of the focus in the early days and rightly so, however we need to be mindful of Dad and how best to include him in the mix.
So pleased you have found the LRT and are taking action. Bravo on getting into the mum’s group. it is good to eat together too as a family.
You sound incredibly strong – sometimes Men misinterpret this strength as not caring. Let him know you need and expect his help in caring for the child. Beware hovering or saying anything that could come out as critical. Trust that he will be a good Dad and as long as he knows the basics, like support babes head, not shaking but soothing, how to change a nappy hew will be right up there.
You go girl!
Take care Philipa
My husband and I have just started a trial separation. We hope that we can get back to our happy selves and then come back together and have a better marriage. We have arranged the time frame to be a max of 6 months. Do you think this can be a good thing or will we drift further apart? How much communication should we have in this time? I am a bit lost.
Thanks
Dear Kira,
let him do the contacting, reread the LRT and use that as a guide. I believe I have answered your question in an earlier section.
Best Wishes,
Philipa
Thank you for your LRT information. I have only just stumbled upon it after 2 and a half years of deceit and betrayal by my husband who has rebuffed all my questions/concerns about his ever-deepening “friendship” with one of our female employees. After living with terrible anxiety and stress for so long, I took it upon myself at the end of 2017 to buy an online software program that allowed me to plug in his devices (iPad and iPhone) and retrieve some evidence from deleted messages which proves – proves – what I have known intuitively for so long. There were enough retrievable deleted messages to give evidence of his intimate connection with this woman.He was so shocked that I took this action that he actually went from his two and a half year long mantra of “we’re just friends” to “we’ve had an emotional relationship”. Even though I know they have been away together on several occasions, he refuses to admit that they have had a physical relationship. That must be a bridge too far in his mind – even though, as far as I’m concerned, an enduring “emotional relationship” is far more damaging to our marriage than a short term physical one. We have a beautiful 12 year old child who is caught up in this horrible mess and I need to find a way forward for 2018. I refuse to live another year of lies and deception and terrible anxiety again. I want one thing to be a circuit breaker.. I have asked for a time to sit and talk through the whole thing (without our child present) in th next few days. I want to present him with the timeline from the last two and a half years with key evidence of his connections with her along the way. I want to ask what his long-term intent is with this woman. He tells me that he “chooses our marriage” but I suspect that he intends to stay in the marriage and keep her on the side. I refuse to live like this any longer. I have told him he must chose her or us (our daughter and me). He tells me he chooses us, but he continues to maintain connection with this woman.
Is my strategy useful? Should I have key open-ended questions to which I want responses? If so, what should those questions be? I want to ask him to move out for a period – say a month. Is this wise or will this drive him further into her every-ready arms?
Thank you again. Your advice is the best I have read so far (including two time wasting and costly years of seeing a relationship psychologist).
Kay
Dear Kay,
thanks for your email and your kind words, I do want to provide old fashioned practical and honest support.
Isn’t it strange how our intuitiion is so spot on. I can hear in your desperation you bought software to confirm your suspicions. While I do no advocate the use of this type of spyware or any other form of monitoring, I understand your frustation.
My mantra is and will always be “TRUST YOURSELF”. When your gut feeling is something is wrong that in my book is the only evidence you need to voice concerns and want changes. If you feel your relationship is being threatened by a third party, then it does need to be addressed directly. Please people do not give your money away to spyware, private detectives and the like. Listen to your good self.
My natural inclination Kay is to avoid the trial by fire approach and as I repeatedly say no ultimatums. I certainly wouldn’t be asking him what he is choosing, I would be asking myself what choice do I want to make given this old relationship no longer meets my needs.
It is good you do have a private conversation with your husband. Here you speak your piece. I would say something like = I love you and am so proud we have brought our wonderful child into the world. I know I have been suspicicious about you and most likely not acting as best I could. I have been thinking about what my choices. I will no longer choose the way the relationship is with three of us in it. ( While he may dipsute this -I would say I am feeling too crowded and I want to honour myself and it is not about being right or wrong.
Here you will speak only of your experiences and the choices you will make in an open hearted manner stating clearly what yoru needs ie to be the one and only. You hope this can happen but if not you will be examining your choices with regard ot the relationship.
That is my five cents worth, I hope you get the spirit this general advice is given. Listen to yourself, be clear and assert your needs and decide for yourself.
Good luck kay,
Philiipa
Your relationship has past this point but I say this so others can hear me plain and simple and I will say it again – Trust Yourself and take assertive action early. I will write a post on this later if folk are interested please let me know.
Hello. Just recently my wife of 19 years broke the news to me that she doesn’t feel affection for me and wants to move on. We Have been together since high school and have two daughters together. I left her the house to stay in till she found another place and moved in to a trailer on our other property. She’s been hanging out with a close mutual guy friend alot lately, (who also is dealing with a long term break up ) and I feel like in their fragile state they might seek comfort from one another more than a conversation. In the begining I asked him and her about it and they both said they’re just friends. It’s been 2 weeks since our break up and it feels like they’re getting closer and closer. I get the typical “I know” and “not in love with You anymore” comments from her whenever I try to conversate. She’s acting like a totally different person. Listening to different music and not doing the things she always loved to do. Everyone that knows are in complete shock. We always had a really good relationship. Not just husband and wife but best of friends. Everyone says they can’t believe it’s happening. I’m totally confused and hurt beyond belief. Do I just sit back and watch as they slowly get closer and closer? I don’t want to push her away anymore but don’t want to lose her by not doing anything. I feel like as long as their around each other she wont have time to think about us and all shes missing. I would give my life for her I love her so much. She cries alot when I talk to her saying it hurts her knowing how much I love her and how bad it hurts me and that I deserve someone who will love me back just as much. I don’t want anyone else. I need help. Please. I’m afraid if I try the LTR she’ll think I moved on, don’t care and she’ll go for the other guy.
Dear Ben,
I do think the LRT is your best bet. Your email describes many folks heartbreak, so thanks for sharing it with us. And know we are all supporting you through this not easy time.
This appears to be a case of the grass being greener in th eother paddock. Here you must tread with true caution, as your partner is in the early stages of togetherness and most folks put a halo on the other person and no amount of convincing from you will dislodge it. That’s where the LRT becomes very useful to you. And now the grass begins to taste the same eventually and you have the years of success lodged in her memory ( just don’t remind her that’s a guilt trip no thte LRT).
I say this Ben because the more you appear to move on and sit back and let this bush fire burn out of it’s own accord the better chance you have. I am sure you can now hear the logic in what I am saying with applying the LRT. Your pleading and cajoling only has the opoosite effect of pushing your wife into the other guys arms at a rapid rate. She wil only want to get away from you and the guilt it producees being in your company. I wish it wasn’t so but I believe in telling it like it is.
You have to deal with your internal fear and insecurity as a priority. You can’t hold another person hostage with this, I am sure you get what I am saying.
I hope you do apply the LRT adn the sooner the better, but ulitmately it is your choice. Make a reasoned decision.
Best of luck,
Philipa
Thank you for the response. I wish I would of read it a day earlier. Yesterday we ended up in a fight. It drove her right into the other guys arms. I seen my wife later that night in town and we talked and she told me that she wanted me to know that she has feelings for him and they talked about the connection their starting to feel towards eachother. That our argument earlier made her realize she likes him more than she thought. I messed up real bad. Feel like I lost my only chance to get her back.
With the guy being a semi mutual
friend do you think I should maybe ask him to give us some time to still figure out our personal matters or do think it’s a waste of time.
Just the thought of her replacing me with this other guy makes me sick to my stomach.
Dear Ben,
You are most welcome, sorry things are not easy for your at this time.
We go in steps and learn as we go. The other day was a learning curve and yep fights will drive your spouse into the comforting arms of the soothing person on the side. I am sure you have gained from this experience tough as it has been.
The good news is she is sharing with you. The wisest thing you can do is be open and honest. So acknowledge and appreciate firstly. Something like ‘Thank you for sharing this with me, although it is not easy to hear this I do appreciate your honesty. I love you and want to support both you and I in this, what do you need?’
The next worst thing you could do is approach to other guy, this shows to both you are threatened, not the way you want to be coming across.
Indeed it will only bring them closer together against their mutual angst – you! Sorry but you need to know this.
This is insecurity and chanage the way you are saying this to yourself – “Just the thought of her replacing me with this other guy makes me sick to my stomach.” Change this to whatever happens I will handle it, I am worthwhile even though I am scared of her leaving, I show only love.
Good luck,
Philipa
Thank you for all the help. I’ve been working on myself alot the last couple days. Keeping my mind from drifting and telling myself it’s out of my hands. It was her choice not mine.
My love for her seems to be growing more and more each day not being around her and not being able to give her a hug when I see her. It just looks like she’s hurting when I’m around her and I want to comfort her.
I recently found out she doesn’t even stay at the house anymore. It brings up to many feelings so she been sleeping on the couch at our so called mutual friends house. This guys really playing the part well and is winning her over more and more each day. When we talked about her feelings for him she did say she didn’t know exactly how she felt. She didnt know if it was a bond between two really good friends or feelings of wanting to get together.
Just this morning when I took her some money because she does have one of our daughters with her she would barely talk to me or look me in the eye. For the last few days after I visit my daughter i would give her hug and my wife and i would hug and i would say have a good night. But today she just folded her arms and said she can’t hug me. I don’t know if it’s was because the other guy was around or just because it hurts her to much.
We see each other every day because of the lifestyle we built together. With cattle and horses needing to be tooken care of stuff like that. Do you suggest I not to talk to her when she shows up and give her more space or try holding on to the little bond of seeing her everyday when she comes by to feed her horses. Is it good for her to see me daily or you think its making it worse. Im not stocking her or hounding her about her life. Just trying to be upbeat and in a good mood. Ask her how shes doing , if she needs anything and tell her she a good person beautiful and strong and to have a good day. I’m I doing the right thing.
Dear Ben,
I am grateful to be of assistance.
When you found out this information about her not being at home how did you feel? Better or more insecure, I would hazard a guess. I usggest that you rotect yorself from ‘finding out’ information about her. The focus needs ot be on you – Step 2. So ask people not to give you information as ‘you are respecting your partner’s right to privacy and want to move ahead in life.’
Sorry to say but the hugging etc is in breach of Step 1. it will feel like a calf being held down to be castrated. All that stuff asking how she is, what she needs and telling her she is a good beautiful person etc is chasing. Stop it immediately. It will only remind her of why she does not want to be around you. It will be guilt making and most folk like to avoid heavy emotions like this and the people that bring this out I am sure you are getting it is not having the desired effect and now you have seen her withdraw, which is an ouch!
Obviously you need to care for your animals, perhaps vary the times slightly.She won’t get to miss you if you are there daily, is why I suggest this. And when you do see her keep your talk about the business, nothing personal enquiring after her your conversation. Like you are meeting a friend in town, keep it light and easy. Taking financial care is vital, is there a way she can have access to money without you delivering it? The reason I say this as she may feel controlled and childlike having to come to you for money. Further pushing you away from her. Adult relationships need independence in many ways.
Good Luck and keep up the progress you have made Ben!
Cheers Philipa
Hello Philipa- This was a very insightful article. I had to fly back to another state to handle a issue with my parents. I told my wife I would fly back in a few days which I did. When I flew back she stopped answering my calls, texts, and emails. I stayed there for a week roaming around. I don’t have anyone there except my wife so I had no place to stay. I decided to fly back to my parents since I wasn’t able to reach her. I know she’s ok because I spoke to someone that told me they saw them last week. What should I do? I don’t want to stay at my parents as I keep thinking about my family. Should I fly back and look around for them? I’m not sure where to look as I’m not working now so I don’t have much money. But I feel like I have to do something. I sit around, sleep, and watch TV all day. I love my wife and son and I miss them so much. I can’t just focus energy on myself. I need to know where they are. I’m worried. I need some good advice.
Dear Anon,
Thank you and Michelle Weiner Davies of course.
I am so sorry things are rough. So delighted to hear you are want to do something, indeed I think it is your best option.
You say you haven’t got much money and are out of work.
Being my practical self I would say get a job, this will repair your self-esteem and your wallet.
Do this while practicing the LRT.
Focusiing this energy on yourself would be a blessing to your family as they will in any case need practical support which is a totally loving thing and part of responsible parenting.
Good Luck with your job hunting!
Kidn regards Philipa
Thank you Philipa.
What you say makes sense but why in my mind I feel like by me flying there and looking for them will show my wife how much I love her. I can’t stop thinking this way.
Thoughts?
Dear Anon,
thats a great question. My belief is that part of you is feeling mightily insecure and anxious, as you are in no man’s land at present. I would suggest you listen to the free resources available I have put up on another page to help this part. I will pop some more up, specifically I am referring to the Michael Sealey Meditations and Hypnosis tracks on YOutube.
You are in crisis so not probably at your optimum.
Here is what I think. If you let that insecure part dictate your actions and buy a ticket back to your wife, you would feel an initial sense of relief that part has got it’s reassurance need met.
However your wife would likely see this as you focussing on you and taking care of your needs rather than the family. She would view this as an unloving act, I’d guess. She will most likely be angrier or diappointed than ever. The opposite of what you want. This will further cement in her mind you are not a good candidate anymore. Possibly fasttracking your divorce. I know that might be hard to hear but let it get into your mind. You need ot find a mature part of your personality to take responsibility and find gainful employment. I believe you can!
Get yourself busy finding any work and sending them your financial support is my best suggestion. It will help on both counts.
Any job will do, as long as you are earning money. We need to pay our way in today’s society.
Good luck,
Philipa
Hi Philipa- I wrote to you on Jan 17. I’ve been having a hard time finding a job so I literally stay home all day watch TV and eat. I just think about my wife and son all day wondering how they are doing. I don’t know where they live only the state they live in. I know you said no but last week I flew there because I couldn’t take it anymore. For a few days I just spent time around the supermarket that I thought they might go to. On the second day I saw them. I was so happy to see them so I started walking towards them. She saw me and went back to the car and drove away. My heart stopped and I started crying a lot!!! I felt hopeless and didn’t know what to think or do. I thought at least if she saw me she would talk to me. She knows the flight tickets are expensive. I waited another day or two at the airport hoping she would call me. Since I don’t know anyone there expect her and I don’t have much money for a motel I had to fly back. I don’t know what to do. She is the only one for me. I can’t picture life without her. And shouldn’t my son be allowed to have his dad in his life too. I’m really struggling. I don’t know what to do or think anymore. I just want us to be a family again and enjoy life and also grow our family.
Dear Anonymous,
I don’t want you to go out and exert yourself finding a job. I get it feels like now you don’t have any options.
The biggest question we need to ask ourselves in relationships are we being a part of the problem or the solution?
From what I read you have lost yourself in your need for her. This sends both people into overwhelm. I am not suprised she was walking away from you. You need to realise what this really means.
I really don’t know what you will need to change about this, I am sure you will figure something out soon.
Perhaps it isn’t getting work, being up and off the couch away from the tv?
I want you to know you have the power to change. Have courage and take the sword of responsibility. There are many resources out there to use for personal development and growth.
Take care,
Best Wishes Philipa
Thank God I finally stumbled across your website! This is such a lifeline for me at the moment as I am drowning in the throes of relationship breakdown, caught in the flotsam and jetsam of lies and betrayal and disconnection and hurt – wounding, deep hurt that makes my soul ache with grief.
After two and a half years of slowly sliding into an adulterous relationship, my husband has finally admitted to an “emotional relationship” after I presented him with evidence (text messages and phone logs) of constant and inappropriate contact a week ago.
I initiated a formal meeting time where I asked him to talk about the immediate past, the current situation and future in terms of “where to from here” as an attempt at circuit breaking the endless negativity and stonewalling from him. I asked him to temporarily move out (within 24 hours from the talk) and he was totally shocked. He even agreed to seeing a counsellor with me, which he has refused to do all last year.
However I realise that emotionally he has totally distanced himself from me. When he comes to visit, he is not coming to see me; he is coming to see our 12 year old daughter.
In our initial meeting with the counsellor yesterday, he refused to take responsibility for his part in the marriage breakdown, saying “we’ve always had problems communicating” and that our “problems existed long before his ‘friendship’ developed” with another woman. He is so manipulative – I could feel the counsellor being sucked in to his charm and agreeing with him.
How should I manage this from here? I keep falling into feeling desperate, trying to win his approval. I do love
him, and I do want our marriage to work. I just don’t know that he loves me anymore, or that he wants our marriage at all.
Thank you
Daisy
Dear Daisy,
I can totally appreciate you are in a sea of hurt at the moment. Thanks for your kind words and know we are supporting you in your journey for change.
It does sound like the relationship has been on life support for some time.
I also get you are doing way too much of the work in this partnership, so I would definitely take an emotional step back, using the LRT will help you with that.
We cannot change our partner. You are working way to hard on this time for a rest Daisy.
I am concerned you have called him manipulative – if he is so bad why are you with him?
Of course we will act in ways to show ourselves as best we can when meeting a person for the first time. Counselling can be anxiety provoking, I would give you both credit for attending and it is a good sign he is there. If you want to stop him coming keep trying to make him take responsibility. Otherwise I would let the therapist do their job – that’s what your paying them for!
Your best bet Daisy, is to hear his side of things as he sees it, doesn’t mean you have to agree. Naturally you will have different views on things (there is nothing quicker than poisoning a relationship with being right) and it does seem as if your communication has not been working to help.
Step 2 for the LRT is a must if this part of you needing approval keeps going on in this way it will not end well. Build your self-esteem, and address this needy part in your own personal therapy, again it needs to be more than talking therapy, see my advice on the best therapies to get to the bottom of this and gain deep healing for yourself. This insecure part drives the desperation and often pushes our partner out the door faster, sorry to say.
Whatever you do don’t make it about the third party. Remember this person has been able to present their best self freshly dressed and made up for going out and having fun, this can be in sharp contrast to a partner who comes home to anger and accusation of their spouse.
So you want to get your happy back on and get the part your husband was attracted and loved out, deal with the anxious part in your own therapy journey. This is my best advice, I hope this helps Daisy. You are important and special now don’t you forget it. So treat yourself with love and self care!
Good luck and keep us in the loop.
Regards Philipa.
I’m so glad to see I’m not alone, and man was this to the ‘T’.
Thank you, I’ve been doing most of this as, for me most had come as instinct but a lot of this Has filed in the blanks. Which I am praying this works. I give my god in heaven the burden, stress, anxiety and all my worries on him but it’s nice to have people who all share to. It help with things that seems like the right thing to do along with laying it all on God as he says. Thanks again.
Dear Jay,
thanks for your comment and i am glad you feel the support and this is helpful. Good to know you are supported in your spritual belief and faith in God.
Best Wishes,
Philipa
Hi
My husband ended our marriage almost 3 weeks ago. I am sure he took up with someone else within 48 hours. How do I stop the constant thoughts of him having someone new and being so happy when he has torn my heart apart?
I’ve had to relocate 3000 kms away as he would not let me stay in the house so the distance is unbearable.
I am really struggling with dark thoughts and don’t know how to get away from them.
Communication is nil because I’ve chosen to not respond the the irregular texts he has sent me.
I really feel like my world has come crashing down.
How can he be so happy so quickly?
Dear Tania,
You poor dear! Your focus needs to be back on you and taking care of you. Sounds like you are in a bit of shock.
I would do some journaling to help you process this. Write all your thoughts and emotions ou, just put it all on paper for you.
Then Byron Katie has a great process and book, I will pop a link in our Resources section.
It is the four Questions:
1, Is it true? ( yes or no, if it’s no go to 3.)
2,Can you absolutely knot that it’s true? ( yes or no.)
3, How do you react, what happens when you believe that thought?
4, Who would you be without this thought?
And repeat, as necessary.
So why are you choosing to let your angry part not respond to his reaching out? I am not sure what your strategy is there.
Anyhow Tania, here are some practical steps as above and with the LRT for you to get your self back on track.
Take care, be gentle with yourself,
Best Wishes Philipa
Thank you Philipa
Yes I suppose I am in shock.
I have been writing all of my thoughts and feelings as I have them.
I’m not angry. My dark thoughts are me struggling to get through each hour. I am absolutely heartbroken.
The only reason I haven’t replied to his sporadic texts is because he was absolutely adamant that our marriage is over so I figured if I did respond, I would break down again, begging and pleading. I’m trying to avoid doing that.
Thank you for your thoughts and advice.
I have no one to talk to. No one.
Philipa this is the BEST advice I have had to date. I have seen a therapist all year last year (I started because I figured I couldn’t change him but I could work on improving me) and just have not progressed forward at all. Your wisdom makes me think I need to address the issues around my needs further – maybe have a change of therapist?
I appreciate your “tough love” approach – yes I have stayed (at the encouragement of the current therapist) when I can see his manipulations and deceits very clearly. And yes – why am I still here?
It has to end. I need to end it because he will never have the courage to do so.
Thank you so much.
Daisy
Thanks again, Daisy.
My first question in therapy is what are you ready to change today? Hmm I guess it is kind of a tough love approach, though I like to think of it as practical. When you are in the middle of a buring house you don’t shout fire, you need to run.
Love is always with limits. Especially those we care for deeply. We require more of ourselves and them. We offer and receive respect or we review and assert our needs. If they are unable then we need to be willing to let go of this dynamic.
Regards, Philipa
Dear Daisy,
I am sure Tania appreciates your encouragement.
Be clear in what you want to end and if this doesn’t how your relationship will progress. Please no ultimatums. Instead you make your own choices based on the other person’s response.
Thanks for your kind words, Daisy.
Good luck,
Philipa
Tania I really feel your pain and sorrow. I think as Philipa says, journaling is very helpful. This is a really dark time, an duly must face the pain and process your current thoughts and feelings, but you WILL get through this. You MUST get through this. You are better and stronger than a man who has treated you so badly.
I think a good therapist would be helpful, but if you can’t afford it, the advice on this site is the best I have seen or read anywhere.
Good luck (and keep your chin up),
Daisy
Oh Tania,
anything you feel right now would be completely normal, shock disbleielf, anger, hurt and sadness to name a few.
Sorry you are in despair, be gentle with your heart.
Good idea you didn’t respond then, we are here for you.
I would also see in your local area if there is a helpline for free counseling over the phone. Here is Australia it is Life line 131114.
If you can tell me the general area I will look at finding you something in your area. We are also here. The internet is an amazing source of inspiration and information.
Take it as easy as you can xx
Regards PHilipa