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The Last Resort Technique

Last updated on July 10th, 2021 at 10:49 am

The Last Resort Technique from the book, The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis, adapted by Philipa Thornton.

Last Resort and Hope for your partnership.
Last Resort and Hope for your partnership.

When your partner has dropped the proverbial bombshell, “I want a divorce,” you need to move past the devastation into action after the shell shock is over. The Last Resort Technique has been developed by Divorce Busting amazon Michele Weiner-Davis to save your marriage, your sanity, or both.

If you are at the place where you have got nothing to lose, give it a go. If your friend is sharing their sadness and hopelessness with you and needs help with their marriage, please pass this relationship advice on.

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Caring is sharing! Please pass on to folks who need this important information

The Last Resort Technique

OK, so you have tried everything, exhausted all your options, and feel hopeless and even helpless. Now it is time to use the Last Resort Technique to save your marriage. This relationship boot camp comes with a warning – this is a LAST RESORT.

This needs to start immediately if:

  • Your spouse has said in no uncertain terms that they want a divorce and it feels like they mean it. (This can’t be empty words, spoken in anger during a fight.)
  • You and your spouse are living apart.
  • You and your spouse are in the same house but are like ships passing in the night with very little interaction. You may be in separate rooms, hardly speaking with little or no sexual contact.
  • You have the divorce papers in front of you.

Broken Heart mend it with counselling

Your marriage is at a crisis point. While divorce rates are high, there are relationships that can still survive this vulnerable time and you don’t have to be another statistic. Those rates don’t tell the story of all the many people who beat the odds.

Hold onto the hope I give you here, please!

Hold onto the Hope and take real action!
Hold onto the Hope and take real action!

While no technique is guaranteed to work, there is always some benefit to taking positive action. It’s definitely worth a crack!

I have worked with many clients who were on the brink or in the trauma of an affair. Usually, only one partner is in favour of a divorce and the other spouse who made the call to me is the one who desperately wants to stay together.

If you happen to be the spouse who is keen on holding onto your marriage, it is highly probable that you are not in your usual state of mind and are acting in desperate ways. This very behaviour that you keep doing pushes your partner further away (you are aware of it, but can’t seem to help it!). You have chased, cajoled, reasoned, begged, pleaded, railed, guilt-tripped, and implored your partner to no avail.

No begging, pleading or cajoling.
No begging, pleading or cajoling.

All the phone calls, text messages, letters, emails, and heart and gut-wrenching pleas have failed. You sense that your spouse is out the door and a part of you recognises the attempts are felt by him or her as pressure. They will dig their heels in insisting that the marriage is over, and this may prompt another wave of fear and you to chase even more.

It is the effects of this pursuing and chasing that are DEADLY to a marriage.

Blind Freddy can see this is not working. In fact, if you keep pushing your husband or wife, you will be driving them right out the door. As I said, there is a part of you that knows this. But this fearful, scared, vulnerable part of you is making the wrong decisions and making you appear completely desperate and unwelcoming.

Of course, you need to honor the fragile part of you that is in pain and wants to cling on. It is human nature – we all want to hold onto something that is important and dear to us. However, the flip side to our humanity and animal instinct is, the party being chased or even hunted down will feel the need to escape when you coerce or pressure in response to feeling trapped.

If you are truly serious about saving your marriage, you have to stop pursuing. Now!

When you chase your partner, your partner will feel hunted and you become a point of danger on a primal level. What also happens is, the troubles in your failing marriage and eroding family get lost, as you become the vector for anger and hurt.

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Cheetah chasing down a gazelle for her dinner. Has this been you?

You see it – your spouse gets frustrated and angry, and the best way for them to deal with this annoyance is to get rid of it. This means their focus shifts to how they can get away from YOU! It is surprising but it is the reality, this will really connect with the part of you that can hear reason.

Indeed, your very persistence is robbing your spouse of valuable time to think about what else is really going on in your life.

People start to do an amazing reframe here and I often hear spouses wondering aloud with things like, “I am not sure I ever really loved him or her.” This is basically due to the suffocation the spouse feels. It becomes a survival issue and you are the danger they need to escape from.

When we are in survival mode, we will go into flight or fight mode. Usually, partners go into anger and aggressiveness (or worse, pity) towards their spouse as a distancing move and part of separating from the distressing situation. When this happens, the angry part blocks any other feelings, like sadness, grief, guilt, and remorse that might cause some reflection and actually help your cause.

With your mate staring angrily at you, what opportunity do they get to look in the mirror, reflect, and take some responsibility for your marital breakdown?

Option A – Keep doing what you are doing and get the same results.
Option B – Quit supplying you wife or husband with a reason to leave.

Oh if it were only that easy. I am asking you to stop doing the very thing that keeps the feeling of powerlessness and helplessness temporarily at bay. But you have to stop this harmful pattern today. I repeat – stop it now, right this very minute.

I am going to give you a specific guide how to stop the landslide of desolation in your marriage today.

Here is your action plan based on The Last Resort Technique:

1. STOP Chasing!

Immediately cease anything that your spouse might look at as pursuing behavior.

Common Roadblocks to Communication to Stop Today

This means stopping anything that would be perceived by your spouse as your way of chasing him or her, such as:

  • Frequent phone calls, texts, or emails
  • Begging your spouse to reconsider
  • Describing all the good in your marriage
  • Writing letters
  • Following your mate around the house (or anywhere – this is stalking!)
  • Encouraging talk about the future
  • Asking for reassurances
  • Buying gifts or flowers
  • Planning holidays or trips away together
  • Trying to schedule dates together
  • Spying on your spouse, keeping tabs on their calls, movements, and work arrangements
  • Talking to friends and family about what to do

Stop saying “I love you.” This is essential.

It seems counterintuitive – “How will they know?” I get it, but even though this will be hard, know that every time you say “I love you,” your spouse is reminded that they don’t love you and will be looking the other way!

Scary huh? That is why it is imperative to silence the “I Love You’s”. You already feel how disheartening it is to hear their resigned response of “I know” or worse, still silence. Or the ouch that goes with “I love you, but I am not in love with you.” It hurts, doesn’t it? So, stop the chase.

2. Get a Life.

What happens in a crisis like separation is, we become desperate, clingy, and depressed. You are in tears often, mope around sadly, lose interest in things you used to enjoy, and basically become lifeless as the fearful or rejected part of you shuts you down as a means to cope. Of course, it is normal to feel all those feelings and shut down or want to ease the hurt.

The loss of a loved one and witnessing the falling apart of your family are the most painful times you can ever experience. The separation anxiety and desperation are an ugly place to be in for both of you and for others to see. You will feel and look unattractive – not one of us will be at our best here.

Now, if your relationship has had the trauma of a full blown sexual affair or emotional infidelity, you are competing with not only the fantasy of an ideal life without problems but a person that is in the opposite space of distressed.

Hard to hear, but reality hurts and I say this to the part of you who knows how to pick yourself up after a fall and dust yourself off. Awareness helps and heals. 

Here you need to act as if you are moving forward in your life and getting on with it. Otherwise, you better quit now.

Of course, it may seem like I am suggesting an impossibility – get happy, be strong, get back into life, and develop your confidence. You are asking yourself, “How can I do this when I feel like crap, I can hardly function, it’s a miracle getting out of bed each day, and things are horrible at home?” Good question. Obviously, these are normal feelings and you are reacting as any normal person would in such devastating circumstances.

I want to ask you – Is that the core of you? The real you? Or the hurt, scared or angry part getting all the air time?

Because I believe that in the heart of you, your true essence, there is a trooper. That’s right! A part of you at the core can survive this – a part much stronger, mature, more confident, and wiser in dealing with tough situations.

Can I get you to take a moment to get in touch with that part of you right now?

Ask yourself (and you can even write this list down to remind yourself as you come home to yourself), “What was it about ME that my partner was attracted to in the first place?” Allow yourself to remember and really connect to those wonderful parts of yourself.

This is the person your partner fell in love with.

Each of those parts (for reference, please look up Official Resource Therapy Institute for a full description) on your list are valued by your partner but have been sidelined by the hurt and angry parts, whose job is to defend you from attack and the absolute hell you are going through now. Please allow those parts some more air time and a chat with the part of you that is angry, scared, and hurt to negotiate a better way forward.

You are in danger when acting in the victim role of getting typecast and truly become the martyr. Reclaim your life today by reconnecting with your whole self.

Starting Today:

  • Immediately start doing things that are out of character to the way you have been acting lately. Move beyond helplessness into action and power.
  • Allow your mood to be more upbeat in your spouse’s presence.
  • Appear pleased with yourself and your own life.
  • On phone conversations, sound content, even bubbly. Don’t sit around waiting for your spouse to call. Get out and do things. Start a new hobby – rock-climbing, tango dancing, needlepoint, ice-skating, and movies. Get busy.
  • Start to be unpredictable. Let calls go to voicemail. If you’ve always tried to engage your partner in conversation when they call, visit, or go home, be scarce and short on words.
  • Take up opportunities offered by your partner for family time, gracefully, with no expectation of any further.
  • Be a great Co-parent no matter what, your kids didn’t choose this.
  • If you were in the habit of being detective and grilling your spouse about their whereabouts, ask nothing. Simply wish your partner a good time.

In short, you need to make your partner think you have had an AWAKENING and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

This doesn’t mean you are nasty, angry, or even cold. Reread this point and lock it in Eddy!

It is simply a case of pulling back and waiting to see if your spouse notices and, more importantly, realises what they will be missing.
Be warm and friendly.

Remember this point: Backing off increases your chances of your spouse becoming more interested in you, if you ease off and start doing your own thing.

Noone likes being put under pressure and that’s most likely part of the old relationship pattern.

Another important reason for “getting a life” is, you have stopped having fun and doing things that give you pleasure. At times, we all need to be reminded to find out what makes us feel good in a healthy, respectful way. Find your joy!

Taking care of yourself is one of the best things you can do for yourself and your relationships. Focus on becoming a better person.

Go back to old interests, church, synagogue, or the library. Join a new class at the community college. Play an instrument or get lessons. Contact some old friends, pick up the phone, and connect. Visit a family member. Rise at dawn, go for a walk and watch the sunset. Read poetry, listen to music, play golf, go fishing, camping, do YOGA, go running, or star gazing. Join a meet-up group, go walking, cycling, get a massage, a haircut, find a personal trainer, and get therapy for support.

Do things that will help you get back in touch with yourself, not just because your spouse might like you more if you do (in fact people have a weird sixth sense when things are not genuine) but because it is important to honor, value, and love yourself in a caring healthy and nurturing manner.

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Love yourself well. Rediscover your passions.

You DESERVE it. I know you are worth it.

3. Wait and Watch

According to Michele Weiner-Davis, one of three things will happen when you use her Last Resort Technique:

First, Nothing.

Unfortunately, there are times when the universe just says no and, no matter what you do, your spouse has shut the door on your marriage. It needs to be said that there is no magic bullet. Sometimes, life is just really unfair and we don’t get the things we most want.

Despite not having been able to save your marriage, there will be a secondary gain from applying the Last Resort in your life – you will have recovered yourself and your emotional well-being.

At the very least, you will have gotten back your DIGNITY. Step 2 gives you a plan of action and the part that feels lost and out of control will benefit.

Your self-worth will be in a much better place, allowing you to feel more prepared to take on whatever comes your way. A good point to take on even though it is not easy to hear.

Michele also notes two other responses you might see in your spouse:

The second possible response from your mate is, they become curious.

They might start showing more interest in you, your whereabouts, and what you are doing in your life. Your husband or wife may even suggest that you spend more time together to talk or do something enjoyable. They may also start asking you a lot of questions about these sudden changes.

Listen up: Here’s Michele’s advice if any of these begin to happen:

  • Be loving in return, but not overly excited or enthusiastic.
  • Accept some invitations to spend time together, but not all.
  • Accept all Family time invites. Your spouse seeing you having fun with your kids together reminds them of the value of family.
  • Do not ask any questions about your future together.
  • Be vague when asked questions about the changes in you. Say that you are just thinking things through. Live the shift.
  • Continue to be upbeat.
  • Do not say, “I love you.”
  • Resist getting in the conversation about your relationship.
  • Get a head start and beat your spouse to the punch when it comes time to leave or separate from each other at the end of an activity. You set the tone for going your separate ways.
  • As a rule of thumb, be responsive to your partner’s interest but not too responsive. Going overboard will lead your partner to get cold feet. Be warned.

So, stay interested, but cool in a self-possessed manner, (not icy though, as that will send mixed messages) until you are absolutely convinced that your partner’s renewed interest in saving your marriage has taken hold.

If you are excited about this technique and it is working for you, share it with a friend or write it down, add your comments to the blog, but don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. Tell us here, we would love to hear from you.

Once you feel absolutely sure this is so, you can test the waters by becoming more obvious about your desire to stay together. Patience wins out.

Try discussing your future and see what happens.

If your partner is receptive, move forward slowly and begin to tackle the issues that drove you apart in the first place.

If on the flip side you are met with any resistance or reluctance, do a reverse and backpedal quick smart.

Go back to your interested but distant stance until things move forward in a more positive direction. This may take a whole lot longer than you would like – weeks or many months.

You must be patient. Wait until your spouse appears to be a little interested rather than pulling away – you will know when it’s real. While it is tough for the marriage (and you!) to be in this holding pattern, it’s ok. Trying to save your marriage is the most important thing that is happening in your life right now.

Be compassionate and hold onto yourself, even when the scared part of you wants you to act out or the excited part wants to whoop for joy.

The third possibility is probably the least likely, but these outcomes do on occasion happen: The overnight change of heart by your spouse. 

They might lose all thoughts of divorce and jump right back into the relationship as if nothing has happened. While rare, this DOES happen.

Michele gives some great advice:

  • Don’t move too quickly. I liken it to the Latin adage, festina lente, which means “to make haste slowly”.
  • It is vital for you to pace yourself. If you act as if nothing happened between the two of you, then it is only a matter of time before your spouse will have second thoughts about his or her decision.
  • You didn’t get into the place of relationship breakdown overnight. Much as you would like to forget that it ever happened, you won’t get back on track overnight.
  • If you’re separated, don’t jump right back into being together.
  • Once you have your partner’s attention and you sense a real commitment to working things out, you will need to take further steps toward making your marriage a healthier and happier place.

I would suggest The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis, where the Last Resort Technique has been adapted for this article. Truly great advice from couples expert Michele of www.divorcebusting.com.

Therapy helps you to heal both the wounds of the separation and the causes of what has lead up to it.

Find a marriage-friendly health professional to help coach you into the next level of intimacy. Couples Therapy can really fast-track healing and growth opportunities.

A word of caution about sex: Have it! We are only talking about sexual encounters that are initiated by your spouse. Enjoy the moment. With a sexual connection, our bonding hormones are released – oxytocin. Use it.

*Warning! Please do not read anything more into your intimate moment than a happy event. Do not go overboard or start laying down expectations about your partner. Keep doing the Last Resort.

Good luck and it’s not over till it’s over!

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We are here for you buddy..

We welcome your comments and experiences. Please share here, you are not alone. I personally answer every comment received and there are over 1000 folks experiences on applying the Last Resort here on the Blog

Thank you! Philipa, yours in Service.

1,368 thoughts on “The Last Resort Technique”

  1. Philipa,

    I discovered an emotional affair of my husband of 19 years. We have 2 teenage daughters. We went to 3 months of counseling (during which the affair ended, on her end), but he wasn’t ready to make a 6 month commitment to work on the marriage which is what the counselor was asking of him. He moved out for a month and decided to come home and try. We tried for 4 months but he was not “all in” and I remained scared and anxious. He felt he couldn’t connect b/c of my reactivity (which I take responsibility for) when we spoke about his lack of connection despite both of us feeling like we were moving forward slowly. He left last week after asking for a 3 month separation to gain perspective and space. Needless to say, I’m crushed and scared. I’m not sure how to play this one. He says his goal is to work this out and hopefully come together stronger in 3 months. He continues to tell me he loves me and we go to weekly couples therapy as well as individual therapy. Our plan is to have one family activity and one activity with just us two (ie lunch) per week.
    My daughters are hosting a cast party after their high school play this Friday. It’s my night to have the girls so it will be at our home (he moved out into an apartment). He has offered to help with the party if I would like the help. This is where I’m confused. Do I include him as he still wants our marriage to work (and he’s a great father to our girls) or do I not include him as he moved out and not being part of the cast party would be a logical consequence of his decision and desire for space? He says he wants to work on the marriage, he does not want a divorce. Is this the time for LRT?
    Thanks,
    Karen

    Reply

    1. Dear Karen,
      My belief is we always include the father of our children in any significant activity that involves our children.
      be it birthdays, thanks giving, Christmas and a cast party.

      I would just let him know he is welcome to drop in for a bit to say congratulations and celebrate. I am guessing it is more of a teenage party. With family stuff always extend the olive branch is my advice. This is a bias of mine.

      And yes it is definitely time for you to take new action and employ the LRT expecially step 2.

      Good luck and keep us posted.
      Philipa

      Reply

  2. Thank you Philipa and Daisy
    It is helpful just to be able express myself here.
    I’m feeling so overwhelmed at the moment and I do know that time heals but it looks like in going to have to do the hard yards.
    A huge part of me regrets not replying to his texts last week because there hasn’t been anything from him since.
    I’m still hanging on to hope but think deep down I know it’s hopeless.
    Trying to be strong. Checking my phone 100 times a day.
    I don’t know if I’m ready to be told by a therapist that I’m better off without him. I am in Perth.
    He was my world.

    Thank you so much.

    Reply

    1. Dear Tania,
      You are certianly welcome.

      So glad you have found the 180 approach. It is way more than a technique it’s a life change and inner rebuild in my view.

      Sure time heals but you are in the midst of the early stages so go easy on yourself.

      Sorry to be blunt but if he was your world where does that leave you? No one can be an everything. I may be wrong but I am reading that as perhaps you lost yourself somewhere in this? You need to be your own world is what I mean and be able to orbit in each other’s space but not merge. Otherwise, you sacrifice you and often at the expense of the relationship.
      Build your new inner world, whether that be in a relationship with him in the future, but start with yourself today please!
      Best Wishes Philipa

      Reply

  3. I think what I am most scared of is by me NOT contacting him, he will think that I’ve moved on and don’t care.
    It’s so hard to know what to do.

    Reply

    1. I caved and texted him.
      The conversation became quite angry on his part.
      I did what I didn’t want to do and asked if there is any hope for us.
      I really need to leave contact to him.
      It’s so hard.

      Reply

      1. Dear Tania,
        don’t be so har don yourself. Texting is a terribly ineffecient way to communicate. We have hiccups doing the LRT the idea is to keep going and take some information from what works and what doesn’t.
        No relationship questions, respond with care and empathy. When you acknowledge another person’s feelings it can really be beneficial and a person will feel heard. And the good news is you don’t have to agree. Only let the person know you have herd them non defensively. It’s not as easy as it sounds I know but very healling.
        Cheers
        Philipa

        Reply

    2. Dear Tania,
      this fear is a common one. If you read many of the questions and comments on this blog have this similar theme.

      Let me tell you you cannot have a healthy relationship coming from a place of fear. For whatever reason, that old relationship was not working well for you both. You need a really strong part of yourself to support you moving forward knowing you are good enough and strong enough to handle whatever happens.
      You could use the four questions to work through this one on your own.
      Cheers
      Philipa

      Reply

      1. Thank you Philipa
        I can’t believe how right you are about so much!
        I have definitely lost myself because I did make him my everything.
        I have jumped back into LRT and do realise I have to be much stronger with it.
        Instead of sending a text, I write it down. That slows me enough to stop myself.
        I’m very confused because he did get angry when I asked if there was any hope for us and he wouldn’t give me an answer. Which made me question him on it several times.
        Surely if the answer is NO, it would be easier to just say no!
        I learnt the hard way yesterday that I must stick to LRT.
        I read through other people’s situations and there is so much hurt here. But it’s good to know I’m not alone.
        I couldn’t find the link to the 4 questions.
        Thank you so much again.

        Reply

        1. Dear Tania,
          this is an amzing bit of insight on your part. We cannot give ourselves away. Super excited it has given you an opportunity to regroup and power on the LRT.
          Nice advice to write the text rather than send. I would ask the part wanting to send that via writing what it is needing. Write it’s response down.
          Recall the LRT Step 1 no askng about the future or the relationship. Yes there is a lot of hurt, heartbreak and help here on the blog. You are certainly not alone.
          Sorry I have not posted the 4 questions yet and I am in the process of getting a quick guide of the LRT for folk to print out available via email very soon.
          You are most welcome.
          Best Wishes Tania,
          Philipa

          Reply

  4. Hi, my husband had a seizure recently from alcohol withdrawal. It has definitely always been an issue with us. He still works incredibly hard for our family, but was drinking too much at night. I’m not perfect either as I have definitely gained weight over the years and know that it bothers him. He was hospitalized for the seizure and has since grown incredibly distant saying the near death experience has made him revaluate his life and he doesn’t want to be married anymore, ie wants to sleep with other people. I’ve been a mess, because not only did I watch my husband die in front of our children, but now he wants to leave. We can’t afford two different homes, so we’re stuck in this strange limbo of living together in awkwardness. Some parts of me are exhausted from fighting for our marriage for so long and welcome the end, but deep down know it won’t be good for us or our children. This article was AMAZING, and exactly what I needed to hear. I can’t change him, but I can change me. I can be my best possible me, no matter how much I want to sink to that deep dark pit, and if he still doesn’t want to stay then I can still be proud of the person I am. Thank you so much! Day 1 of changing me for the better!!

    Reply

    1. Dear Bri,
      Wow you and your husbands have been through a lot. I am glad he is getting support. People may be unaware alcohol is one of the msot dangerous drugs to withdraw from and often requires hospitalisation for safe monitoring. When I worked yeara ago at the Langton Clinic, the four beds we had at Sydney Hospital were only used for alcohol and complex detoxes.

      Sounds like your relationship has been struggling with addictions, booze, food and the like. Not a healthy cocktail for anyone – excuse the pun.

      Thanks for your kind words and I am pleased it hit the spot for you. When you do right by you in a caring way, all prosper.

      Go for being your best, kind loving you to you and watch the world change, as you learn and grow into the blossom you are meant to be!
      Keep up the good work and as ever keep us posted.
      To your success.
      I am inspired reding your email and I am sure others will be too.
      Best Wishes
      Philipa

      Reply

  6. I’ve been going at this method for about a week now after weeks of making all the wrong moves when dealing with my wife’s profession of “not being in love with me anymore”. Crying, pleading, etc. I started seeing a therapist and it kind of woke me up to what I need to do. In truth I had been getting over the pain for a bit before that. So I started doing essentially everything outlined here and I have noticed her getting a bit curious. “Why are you doing so much around the house?” or “Why do you want to cook dinner?” type things. I even caught her peeking at my phone last night. But then today she says after I said I was thinking about making dinner “You knows it won’t make me change my mind, right?”. I just said “Yeah, I know. It’s just kind of fun to cook.” Is what she said normal at this point? A week in? It felt maybe overly harsh but I don’t want to worry too much about it.

    The other thing is that we did have sex a few weeks ago at her insistence but she just felt guilty about it the next day. Like she’d used me for sex, in her own words. I don’t know if I’m up for more cheap sex with her so I don’t know if I should go along with it if it she brings it up again, not that I necessarily think she will. Any insight would be so appreciated.

    Reply

    1. Dear Marenghi,

      Good on you for seeing the therapist and I am liking the work already, especially as you say it was a wake up to what you need to do. Well done.

      This is exactly what is possible, your spouse may get curious. I do think what she said would be pretty normal. Especially if this is a big change folk get skeptical. That is why the LRT is more than a technique. It is a way of being. Where you are kind loving open and respectful.
      This is a good sign a week in but you must practice Step 3 Patience. This may be the most important step, I might say.

      I’m guessing here, but I imagine you didn’t feel ‘used’ for sex but hopefully enjoyed it together? Sex and the cuddles after stimulating oxytocin, our natural bonding hormone. Plus it feels good. So go for it I say! The only thing I warn, is that you do not read anything into it apart from two adults having consensual fun and I do hope mutual pleasure.
      BEst Wishes,
      Philipa

      Reply

      1. Thanks for the reply. I don’t want to be overly hopeful, in truth I kind of don’t have any hope, but this kind of makes me feel a little optimistic. Though she seems to feel like she has to constantly remind me that this “isn’t a phase she’s going through” or that she’s not going to change her mind. She’s pretty dead set on divorce and vocally so. I really don’t know what’s going to happen but I’m going to keep up last resorting the hell out of her and working on myself and hope that she slowly comes around.

        As for the sex, I thought it was really good but I definitely didn’t expect anything out of it. 9 could tell halfway through that she felt weird about it and we didn’t cuddle or anything after. She just went off to bed (I was sleeping on the couch). If she actually does suggest it I might go for it simply because it might be the last time I can be with my wife in that way but I’d be surprised. :/

        Anyway thanks so much for the response. You guys are awesome.

        Reply

        1. Dear Marenghi,
          Now you have to really use Step 3 wait. Applying your most patient self. Honouring your wife and listening to her with an open heaart.

          And really teh Lsat Resort can be a restart, this has to be a life change, my hope is for the better. For whaetever reason the old marriage did not work well for you both, so an opportunity to start afresh.

          Glad the sex was good, let her approach you. Here you can show her your care and loving skill.

          Wishing you the best and appreciate your kind words.
          Cheers PHilipa

          Reply

  7. Hallo Philipa,

    I am with my wife 25 years and we are separated for 18 months because she firmly believes I cheated on her. Since I met her I never touch another woman, but she does not believe me. She found porn on my computer 2 years ago and she insist that she is right. If I tried to explain her that nothing ever happened and there was never any real woman in my lifetime she only got angry. She will not admit that she may be wrong and since we separated she wants to be divorced. We tried counseling but no progress.

    During separation time I did many changes with me: got a great life, found new amazing friends and become the best version of myself. I am now happy, energized, loving, caring, successful and in a good spirit and vibe for the last 6 months. The problem is that my wife did almost nothing with herself during separation time – she wasted all the time designated for your growth.
    She still wants to be divorced and she told me 2 months ago that she suspect that I am secretly dating another woman ( of course I am not dating anyone).
    During our separation I was very supportive to her but it did not matter to her. She was always looking to find something negative about myself.

    So the Last Resort Technique is for me really the last one chance. I started it 3 weeks ago and so far there is no response from her at all. We have no communication at all.
    So I just live my life to the fullest level and I am happy with myself. I know she is constantly checking my social media: Facebook/YouTube/MeetUp/etc but she will not contact me.
    Do you think that there will be now any change on her side, and how long may it take ?

    Milos

    Reply

  8. This was spot on about the problems affecting my wife and relationship. Keep up the good work!

    Matt
    London, UK

    Reply

    2. Hi Philipa,

      Do you have any suggestions for my case ?
      I am doing LRT for 4 weeks and so far only “NOTHING” happened. My wife is completely silent.
      I continue to live my own life to the fullest level, I am attractive and desired to many people I am meeting out there.

      Hi Matt,
      Did you managed to work out the problem with your wife ?
      If Yes, what did you do to save your relationship ?

      Thanks,

      Milos

      Reply

      1. Dear Milos,
        I suggest you get to know the LRT like th back of your hand. Step 3 is where you are at, I know it is not easy but we need to think long term.
        Good luck!
        Cheers,
        Philipa

        Reply

  9. Hi. I really need some advice. I have just found similar advice to LRT from Dr James Dobson’s book. My long-term partner (with whom I have no kids, his choice which I was ok with so long as we were together and I thought we would be forever) bought a beautiful home with me less than a year ago. We were, I believed, really excited. In fact, I know we were. We have had our ups and downs because he has cheated a few times in the past, nothing too serious physically but each time he “fell in love” and sent loving messages, told them he was unhappy at home. This was true the second time – because I was struggling after the first affair. The first affair, however, occurred at a time when we were, in my eyes and I believe his, very happy – which is why it was so hard to recover from. The affairs were many years ago (maybe 9) but there has always been a lack of trust as he never sought to regain it, just expected me to get over it. I have found out that he has been cheating again, a full blown affair – first time – almost ever since we bought our new home and I am just beside myself with grief. He has been angry with me for months and I have not been able to understand why because, having moved to a fresh place with no unhappy memories, I felt truly happy and more myself than I have in years. He didn’t notice. I found out for definite in early December and had to go through the trauma of Christmas with his family and children in a pretence. He is still at home but I believe he plans to move out. I know he is in the process of renting a flat for six months. I also know, having seen messages to her, that he is planning a life with this woman, says he has never felt this way before (telling her everything he once told me and his previous partners and what he told the two affair partners from years ago) and that he loves her and cannot wait to spend every night with her and wake up with her. It is breaking my heart. I don’t know if he means it, if it is lies to her. He has certainly told her lies within his messages. For example, he has not told her that I have found out – no doubt she would be terribly worried I would tell her husband. She suggests her marriage is loveless and unhappy. He has even said they can try for a child which just kills me. I am too old now and he never wanted more children (he has adult children from a previous relationship). This woman is 14 years is junior, has a very young friendship group and lives in a different place entirely. I cannot see how it will work. But I have clung to him, begged, pleaded and totally lost my self-respect. He has even told her! I am desperate that if he moves out or if I tell him to go he will only remember the desperate, clinging woman who he could not wait to escape. I also don’t know if it is definitely over, if renting a flat is to give him the space he said he needs to decide if he wants me or her (he says he does not want to make a mistake), if it is to give her time to leave her husband so they can rent somewhere together. I am so confused and feel completely out of control. He lies to me constantly. And there has been so much nastiness, threats, aggression and anger I fear it has killed anything that might have been there. He hardly says a nice word to me and yet occasionally will make me a drink, kiss my forehead. For months all I got was “I love you too” and I had been asking why no “I love you”. Now I don’t even get “I love you too” and I have been stupidly asking him to say it. I love him so much. He has been my whole world. I see and know few other people. I have devoted all of my time to him, to support him and yet he acts like he hates me. I am so distraught. Please can you advise? Am I too late?

    Reply

    1. Dear Nadia,
      so sorry you are distraught, from your email things have not been going well for some time in the relationship.

      I wonder reading this why are you putting yourself through this? You have to believe you are worth a loving, respectful and responsible partner. How would you describe your relationship? You may be interested in Tania’s email. She found when she had given her partner her all, there was nothing left.
      My concern is you have devoted yourself to someone who does not appear to be returning this devotion. You deserve more. Please, quick smart got to step 2 and find help to build your self-worth. My heart goes out to you at this time.
      Best Wishes,
      Philipa

      Reply

  10. I did LRT for a few weeks before Christmas and it seemed to work quite well. My wife had left me but I got a bit of a social life going and in an email spat told her I was doing OK and ‘moving on’. This seemed to catch her by surprise and win a certain amount of respect.

    But now things seem to be slipping back into the earlier pattern. I’m not sure how this happened and it’s even crossed my mind she could be doing LRT back on me.

    One thing that trips me up is I miss my wife and my social life is a poor substitute for the depth of that relationship. The other thing is I keep thinking she might press the ‘destruct’ button if I look like I simply don’t care so I keep going back to make sure I haven’t given her the wrong impression to make her do it.

    Meanwhile she’s giving nothing away through a kind of masterful inactivity and I’m virtually back at square one with my brain being tied up in knots guessing all the time and a sore head from banging it against a brick wall all the time. I haven’t got the faintest idea what she wants and she’s very careful not to tell me.

    Reply

    1. Dear Sam,
      you have to move beyond trying to ‘last resort her’, stop guessing and get the best out of your life.
      Move beyond fear. No one of us can hold onto a relationship, this crushes either ourselves, the other person or both.

      Love is letting go of fear. The worst may still happen but you will survive it my friend. So relax and look after yorurself in a loving way!
      Best Wishes
      PHilipa

      Reply

  11. No one seems to be in the same situation that I am in and I am completely lost :

    So a little bit of our story. We’ve been friends since 2011, together since 2012 and married since 2013. Our daughter was born in Nov 2016 and everything we down from there. We had always dreamed of being parents and our daughter was very much wanted, but something changed in him once she was born. He had a hard time assuming his role as a father (he has issues with his own father), and he wasn’t the kind of dad he always imagined he would be. He realized that he hated babies and didn’t know what to do with them.

    We moved around every 6-12 months for his job and arrived in a new town where I knew no one when I was 7 months pregnant. I moved to a foreign country to be with him, and as we moved so often all I really had was him and his family. After the birth of our daughter his brother came to live with us to find a job and never left. We spent a year sharing a two bedroom apartment with his brother and never had time to be alone or become a family. My husband also worked a lot often 12 hour days, so I was all alone in a new town, with a new baby and no friends.

    I started to become close with one of his co-workers, so he started to become closer with her as well. We saw each other often outside of work and even went to her wedding in July 2017. In august I started to enter a depression (I stopped breastfeeding and took out my IUD at the same time, I don’t know if that’s related or not), and I changed. I didn’t go outside anymore, I didn’t want to do anything anymore except cry and complain. My husband tried to do some efforts, but I kept pushing him away. His brother said if we wanted to be alone for my birthday in August, we needed to get a hotel and that was my breaking point. I left the house for 2 weeks and went to stay with my mother in law with my husband coming every weekend.

    In September we went on vacation, with his sister so still not alone, for 3 weeks and agreed that we needed to do something or we weren’t going to make it. We both agreed to try, and I did. I started to go outside more and take care of myself again. But he started to work more and more and spend time with the girl on the phone when he was at home. I started to have suspicions but they both told me that it was all in my head and there was nothing to worry about.

    Mid-October and they spend all of their time together (remember she is married), he downloads snapchat and they spend all day sending pictures back and forth to each other. I tell him that it has to stop, that I cannot handle it and he doesn’t listen. One night, he comes home late because he spent all day helping her with an interview and I snapped. I told him I didn’t want him to come home and that he needed to think about what he really wanted because I wasn’t sure if it was our family anymore. He tried to come home anyway and I wouldn’t let him inside.

    He went to see the girl and came home after and we both agreed I would go stay with his mom for a little while. The Sunday he tried to break up with me by text message, not accepting that I immediately drove back home to fight for my man. He said everything had started to change for him and he wasn’t happy anymore. So we separated but still shared the same bed, and our sex life had never been so amazing. We were having sex 1-2 times a day, more on the weekend and amazing sex. We agreed to go away for the weekend to work on our marriage. He told me before getting on the plane, if he felt like he was forcing himself at all he would end it and I shouldn’t expect too much because he wanted to go more than he wanted to stay.

    So our trip we found each other again and it was really, really good. He spent time talking with the girl, but realized it was a problem and stopped. He told me he knew he loved me more than anything and he wanted to fight to save our marriage. I had never been so happy. We went back home, then he went back to work with her. Then Friday night he came home saying that he didn’t deserve me and I was too good with him and he didn’t know if he could do it anymore. I was heartbroken.

    We spent another week, not together, but sleeping together every night having amazing sex. We agreed that the next week he would spend the week alone with our daughter so he could see what my life had been like the last year. I left Sunday and sunday night he was texting me telling me how sorry he was and how he didn’t realize how bad it was and how much he loved me. This is now the end of November. We saw each other Tuesday because I had an appointment and he once again talked about how in love he was, he came to his moms on Wednesday because his sister gave birth and by Friday he was full of doubts again. He said he didn’t know if he loved me anymore and he felt dead inside. I said, ok let’s end it then because I can’t do it anymore. He started crying and begging me to give him one more chance. We agreed to go on a date when he told me that he knows I am the love of his life and he will never find anyone else better for me than him and he doesn’t know why his brain is being so stupid. That he knew what he had to fight for and he wanted to be with me and save our relationship. That I was the most important thing in the world to him. He deleted and blocked the other girl from his phone and promised he wouldn’t see her anymore outside of work. I believed him. I agreed to stay the week to help his sister with the baby and he went back to the house. Monday he still loved me and we were making plans together. Tuesday he didn’t know if he missed me enough, Wednesday no contact (I later found out he spent all day with the girl), Thursday I get en email on the ipad to him and the girl from a coworker referring to them as “the lovers” and I go crazy and confront him.

    Once again, he leaves me by text message saying nothing had happened with the girl but he just couldn’t be with me anymore. He had been forcing himself and he wasn’t happy. I did all of the things I shouldn’t do : cry, beg, plead and it got me no where. He then called me a few days later to tell me he had left because he had fallen in love with our friend, the girl who got married in July. I immediately texted her telling her what a horrible person she was because she had promised me it was nothing and now my husband had left me for her.

    Come to find out later, while she had pretended to be my friend and I had trusted her with all of my secrets and our relationship problems she had been repeating everything to my husband. She had been telling him our relationship wasn’t healthy and he should probably leave. He came a week later to see our daughter and we had sex and he immediately started to cry feeling like he had cheated on the married girl ! He left and we had a huge fight.

    I ended up trying to kill myself the next day and went through 2 really hard weeks. In my despair I ended up contacting her husband to let him know everything – including the fact that my husband had been sneaking around with his wife when he was at work. He confronted his wife and they ended up separating. My husband (who left me dec 2) and this girl who left her husband right before christmas, spent christmas together in Paris and became intimate for the first time.

    I came back to our home the weekend before christmas where I found the girls underwear in our bedroom. He swore to me nothing had ever happened, she slept in the bed and he slept on the couch. He took our daughter for the first time the weekend of new year’s and I later found out that the new girl went with him to meet his family. I lost my temper and sent him a text message calling him a horrible person and asking how he was able to replace me so fast and let her act like she was the mother of our child so quickly. He told me I was crazy and blocked me.

    When she returned home she asked her husband for a divorce and then started living with my husband a week later where they slept on his brothers floor.They just got their apartment together Friday and I am devastated. He told me that he knows that he isn’t ready for a new relationship but that he can’t stop himself. With her husband we gave them no choice but to live together because I took the apartment and her husband won’t leave theirs. When he came to get our daughter this week he told me he loved both of us but he knew our relationship wasn’t ok and he would have always regretted not trying something with her. But then he tells me that he still loves me and he knows that he always will, but that love isn’t enough to stay with someone. He doesn’t think he’ll ever regret trying something with her because they are happy and sooooooo in love but that he doesn’t trust himself right now either because our relationship falling apart in the biggest regret of his life.

    I have been horrible with no contact – I’ve been trying so hard to make him see his mistake and to help him realize that he got caught up in something that went way too far with a co-worker, but for him it’s normal that he still loves me and doesn’t want to be with me. I’ve started limited contact as of today but I don’t know if it’s too late as they’re already living together and going to meet her parents this weekend. Both of their families are acting like this is completely normal we were together 7 years and have a 14 month child together, she was with her husband 7 years and married for 4. Their co-workers also say that they’re happy for them, so they have no one telling them that this isn’t ok. I feel like this will soon fizzle out between them once they realize that the grass isn’t greener, especially since it’s all so fast.

    I’m working on myself doing all of the things he complained about and he’s commented on it but I don’t know if it’s too late. I have friends again, I have a girls night once a week. When he sees me I’m dressed nicely with my hair and make-up done, but we both always end up crying when we try to talk about our relationship.

    He tells me he still loves me and knows he always will and that nothing will ever come close to the love that we had, but doesn’t think he could ever be with me again. Is it too late for me to save my marriage?

    Reply

    1. Dear Jessy,
      you certainly have been through a great deal. It sounds like it has been a confusing and painful time for you so sorry sweetie.

      From your email, I would say you definitely will be giving your marriage the best chance to save your marriage by taking the LRT actions.
      Whatever happens, you need to work through this for your child. Please promise me and everyone here no more suicide attempts.

      I hope you are getting some therapy and are rapidly repairing your self-esteem. focus on getting you happy and healthy again, please.
      Best Wishes,
      Philipa

      Reply

  12. About 3 weeks ago I discovered that my wife has been having an affair for the past year. Things between my wife and I the last year and a half to two years have grown distant to the point where we were basically roommates; I have been sleeping on the couch for the past 9 months or so. We have two children. After I confronted her she was apologetic, but said that she had already emotionally moved on and that the affair was her moving on, despite her saying that she was going to tell me in a few months and has been looking to start the divorce process. Part of me didn’t blame her, I had cheated on her years back, so I know the anatomy of an affair and realize it is only an escape from the problems in the actual marriage even though she tries to convince herself she is only trying to find happiness. She says she still loves me and always will, but is not in love with me. After a lot of self-realization I discovered I have been struggling with social anxiety, emotional intimacy issues, and conflict avoidance behaviors for a long time as a result of the social anxiety and a plethora of irrational fears and insecurities. I recognize all that now and how it destroyed the marriage. These are things I deep down knew, and I have always wanted the intimacy, to kiss, hold, touch, and talk to her. But I never did out of fear and only grew more frustrated with myself and things just compounded and continued to get worse. I was pushing myself away because I was unhappy and frustrated with myself and had begun isolating myself from my wife, friends, and family.

    Realizing these issue with myself I have sought out a therapist and just had my first appointment last week. I want to be aggressive with learning how to manage my social anxiety, free myself from my emotional intimacy issues, and develop positive behaviors. I recognize all of the bad behaviors that manifested in order to protect myself. I have started trying to change some of my behaviors around the house that my wife always complained of, helping more around the house, and taking action in other areas even before I found your last resort plan. I have also joined online social anxiety support groups, and went to a local anxiety group for the first time. I want to be free from my issues and be a happy person, not just for me but for her. We still have to live together due to financial situation not allowing her to move out right now. She has said repeatedly that she feels we are have never been right for each other and has already emotionally moved on. Part of me feels that she is trying extra hard to convince herself of this. She has been seeing a therapist of her own for several years. However I believe that my issues were not right for her and that I at one point was able to be that person and make her happy.

    Because we haven’t told any family or friends of the affair and intent to divorce, her and I are really the only people besides our therapists that we have to talk to as I try and learn to cope with the emotional burden of rejection, anger, and hurt from the affair and quality of the marriage the last couple years. She says she wants to be there for me to help me recover, but is adamant that she doesn’t want to try again, not wanting to get hurt again. She did put her heart and soul into trying to repair our marriage after my affair, but given my issues I let all that go to waste. I see that now and accept responsibility none the less. It doesn’t change the fact that I am still in love with my wife and always have been. I don’t want to lose her.

    Where do I even start? Discussing my issues, fears, hurt, and anxiety issues with her has allowed me to let her into the deepest parts of my emotions and my heart; something I have rarely been able to do. It scares me, but I don’t want to put those walls back up. I want her to see the real me that she fell in love with and was able to make her happy at one point. Do I stop talking to her about this? I feel I would risk the losing that emotional intimacy opportunity but also don’t want to push her way or make her feel that I am pushing my issues on her to fix. They are mine and mine alone, and want to fix them. I just feel that time is against me. I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to give up, and still have hope even though she says its hopeless.

    Reply

    1. Dear Kevin,
      you have plenty of time. That is only the anxious part of you and you cannot let that part put pressure on her or the relationship. It will only squeeze her out, sorry for the pun!

      I am super impressed with both your insight and action on the anxiety. Well done! You are a beacon. Sometimes life hands us a catastrophe and we get to grow, so again super work!

      You have to not let the part that wants to protect you put those walls up again.

      My advice is you have downloaded and shared with her, that is enough. Too much problem and issue talk especially guy to girl often sends a person to the friend camp. Emotional intimacy is something that happens over time. You now want to go to STep 2 and look after yourself in healthier ways, share your fears with your therapist and grow to your full potential, whether it be in this relationship or another version of it.
      Best Wishes,
      Philipa

      Reply

      1. Philipa,

        Thank you for the response; it is very encouraging. While I do believe that my wife cares about me getting help with my anxiety and other issues that affected the marriage, and wants to see me be happy, how much do I share with her regarding my therapy work if or when she asks? She has said she wants to remain engaged and help me any way she can, but per your advice on LTR I should keep my answers short. Just how short? Enough to be vague and she gets curious and wants to know more? One thing that I have been looking into is learning how to play the drums to help occupy my free time; something I have always wanted to do. The only problem is its something that doesn’t necessarily get me out of the house. Should I be looking to get out of the house more as well?

        I truly appreciate your feedback.

        Reply

        1. Dear Kevin,
          It is our pleasure and you are most welcome. I get you are in a challenging place.

          That is a good question what to share about your therapy. I would keep it to about 2 or 3 sentences. Using your own words. Here is an example “Your wife asks how’s therapy going?” You: Thanks for asking. It’s been a real eye-opener and made me appreciate the relationship dynamics.” After a you’ve been in therapy a while, you might say, while I wish it hadn’t gotten to this crisis, however I appreciate your courage and it’s helped me grow as a person.” Obviously your own truth and insight. But keep it small, waxing lyrical about how much you have changed in a month will not go down well, I suspect. A word of warning too here, make sure it is not to self- focused. Usually a parther is after an update and not a catalogue of revelations. So no me and me and did I tell you about me by the way? I am sure you get the gist of what I am saying.

          The reason I suggest the above Kevin, (not knowing what your wife’s concerns were in the relationship) you don’t want to get into a helper/helpee relationship. It’s not relationally inspiring and terribly unsexy. The key thing is (attitude wise) you don’t need her help as you are a mature man capable of learning, though you appreciate her concern. I wouldn’t say this to her it’s more of ‘I believe in me, so you can too.’ It’s respectful.

          Go to drumming workshops outside the house to find your rhythm. I did one a few years back and it was super cool! Perhaps a dance class, and you are correct – get out of the house and live! Look at the internet resources page here and find a laughter yoga group or something similar. Go for a walk in nature, head to the library.
          Take yourself off to a movie. Date yourself. Spend quality time getting to know your kids.
          Let us know how you are going.
          Best Wishes Philipa

          Reply

  13. I stumbled across this website after searching for ways to stop my wife from getting a divorce.
    I have 2 children in this marriage and having gone through a divorce before and losing the child in that particular marriage I am not willing for the same to happen. After reading a book called ‘It takes ONE to Tango’ and a session with a Pychiatrist I realise that I have been wrong in my approach to things that bother me in my relationship and dealing with conflict related to my behaviour. I have further sessions scheduled weekly, which seems too far apart, but that is probably related to the anxiety the situation causes in me. Financial issues causes stress too and makes a persons state of mind not conducive to portraying happiness and adds to frustration especially with communication being hard as is.
    My wife has gone to see a lawyer whom is busy drawing up the divorce agreement and I am awaiting to be served with papers.
    Up until now I have been fighting for my life exhausting all means possible, including talking to her parents about the mess that is unfolding..
    This last resort method feels counter-intuitive and I cant say that I know for sure how to practically implement it.. Moving on and pretending to be happy and all of a sudden start going out and attempting to enjoy life and pulling away from my spouse in effect also means focusing less on my kids as they are always in the mix in the family I so dearly love and want to keep.. already my 7 year old raises worry if Daddy is not part of a family event where my wife doesn’t want me to be.. but I am willing to try. I’ll appreciate some further practical pointers and advice if you can give me any.

    Thanks

    Reply

    1. Dear Mac,
      we are glad to have you on the LRT blog, thanks for writing in.

      I will look up the book and check it out, thanks for the reference, we love to hear what has helped. Good on you for seekinginsight and therapy.

      From reading your email it appears that what you ahve been doing in the past hasn’t worked, and this is exactly where the Last Resort Technique comes in. Indeed it has been called the 180. As it gives you an opprtunity to turn yourself around. And you will know from your book it only takes one party to change the steps for an improvement.

      Deal with your anxiety in therapy, there are also some suggestions on the blog here. I personally like the Michael Sealey Hypnosis Youtube videos both free and accessible. Simply listen at night.

      You are right pretending won’t cut it. You have to live and breath step 2. To use the cliche you have to fake it till you make it!

      Now you are not using it for the children. They need to hear that you love them no matter what happens, make this your anthem for them. It is totally ok to say you are not sure what is happening but Mum and Dad love you, wherever we are. I will write more on this.

      Regardless of what happens in your marriage chidlren are for life! You can provide emotional, and financial support whatever the distance.

      Reread the LRT Listen to the Youtube videos https://youtu.be/BYpwSX5j0IE
      Or look for the Maarriage Works You tube channel. I hope to put more up with themes and advice.
      Good luck and best wishes,
      Philipa

      Reply

  14. Thank you for this wonderful advice! I have two questions. My husband of 13 years (together for 21) just dropped the bomb on me 2 weeks ago after pulling away from me and becoming distant from his birthday in November through the holidays. It was a complete shock. We have always had problems, especially communicating, but never in a million years did I ever expect him to want a divorce. We just had the best summer together we’ve had in years and he was talking excitedly about our future this past October! As far as I know, there is no OW (although apparently a lot of his “friends” he started spending a lot of time with when he pulled away from me are divorcing) and I do suspect part of this is possibly a MLC (he just turned 41). I asked if he wanted to try counseling, moving — anything — and he said “it’s over,” “I’m done” and “it’s too late.” We’ll, I told him I respect his decision and did not beg or plead. And as far as he knows, I’m carrying on with my life and not moping at home. So I’ve basically already started this from the bomb drop. Because we don’t have enough money for him to get an apt, he is renting a room and we agreed to a sort of adapted “nesting” arrangement for our kids by default. His schedule is always changing, so some of his days off will be weeknights, some weekend. I’m going to go out and take care of ME for once on the weeknights (gym, shopping, doctor/therapy appointments, etc) and go out and stay with friends/family on the weekends he’s at the house. Here are my questions: 1) Will this nesting arrangement help or hurt my chances of implementing this? Also, we haven’t had a conversation about what happened or our relationship since bomb drop, but I assume it’ll come up Monday when we discuss what we’re going to say to the kids. So should I come right out and say things like, “You are right, this is for the best?” Am I supposed to really act like I agree with him and am already moving on?

    Reply

    1. Dear Jen,
      thanks for your email. Sounds like you have started out well on your own, I know this is not an easy time and we can all empathise with you.

      To answer your questions.
      Firstly I was impressed with the ‘nesting’ idea. From reading your email you take turns and the kids stay in the one home, while the other person goes to the rental? Five stars for innovation and helping your children through what is an unsettling time, keeping as much routine without having to go from one place to another I believe achieves this.
      No, I don’t think the ‘nesting’ arrangement will be an issue for the LRT. It is about adapting the LRT to your situation and it sounds like you have. My hat is off and I am bowing to you and your husband, and childfocussed solution!

      Honour yourself and him when you discuss this prior to advising the children. Never say to the children this is for the best. Of all the people who’ve come through my office, only a handful said they were relieved when their parents divorced. Their situation was more like a concentration camp. All kids want their folks to stay together. They would probably like the fighting and unhappiness of the marital relationship to take a hike into never-never land.

      I don’t believe in telling an untruth. Although partners will love hearing “you are right.” I’ll bet you could sy things weren’t working out well, we did seem stuck thank you for having the courage to call it. ” See I imagine there’s a truth to a statement like that. Of course, use your own words and experience. No accusations. Find what you can have empathy for, this is powerful and can be a game changer in it’s own right.
      Good Luck and keep us updated on you progress.
      Best Wishes,
      Philipa

      Reply

  15. Hi Philipa,

    The LRT strategy did not work in my case. After 4 weeks of silence my wife texted me that she still wants to be divorced.
    And actually when she see that I am happy and living a big life on my own it only makes her angry and frustrated. She is questioning why it happens now and not when we were together …
    Should I be rather just depressed and miserable ?
    I am choosing to be happy.

    There is absolutely nothing I could do in our case and the worst thing I could do is to force myself to be with someone who does not love me, does not appreciate me and does not want me.

    I run out of all option, nothing left but move on. I am going to recover from divorce, and then find a new true love and I am going to make my new partner incredibly happy.

    Thank you for all your advices and your website is great and very helpful. At least I should have no regrets because I did absolutely everything what was in my control to save our marriage.

    Some things in life are out of your control, and all you can do it accept the reality, adapt to it and move on…

    Milos

    Reply

    1. Dear Milos,
      truly I am heartened by your email.

      This is exactly the spirit of the LRT to grow into the best you and a)either return to your relationship or b) hold your head high knowing you have given it your best efforts and are now having a good life. Having no regrets paves the way for a new and exciting chapter of your life.

      Thanks for your kind words and we are so pleased to hear the advice and website have been helpful.

      I have to say acceptance is a wonderful and peace-giving thing.
      Well done Milos,
      and all the best for your future relationships, while continuing to grow you!
      Best Wishes Philipa

      Reply

  16. My husband is going through a midlife crisis but refuses to believe it. He started playing in a band, partying like a rockstar, and had an emotional affair with my good friend in the band. He dropped the bomb on me that he no longer loves me about 4 months ago… and revised history to say I’ve been making him miserable for years, refuses to remember the abundant amazing memories we shared. He consulted and lawyer and wants to move out. We have three kids so I refused the move out option with the kids going back and forth to two different homes. I did everything wrong at first, begged, pleaded, bought gifts, wrote letters, apologies. Then I started doing the 180 and the last resort technique for about the last three weeks (with many slip ups)… but doing it for the most part. He now says, he will never love me again, no amount of time will change that, he doesn’t want to grow old with me… BUT he will stay in the house to co-parent the children as long as we are officially separated. He has been treating me with a little anger lately, I think to justify his plan to separate. So that was a week ago, he is still I the house, still wearing his wedding ring, treating me like a leper or a roommate, and I’m miserable. I’m still doing the last resort, but I keep slipping up… and I feel like I’m getting NOWHERE.

    Reply

    1. Dear Katerina,
      I can hear your pain, hurt and isolation. So glad you have found us as support. Its not been an easy time for you.

      Forget diagnosing him, put your precious energy back on to you. Really work Step 2 of the LRT. This will help you both now and in the long run.

      Horrible as it is to say this but misery is no company. Find a way – journalling, online or in the suggested Resources section here to release the anxiety.

      We have to let go of the holding on and release our fears.

      Address where you are slipping up on the LRT and work out a better way for you to progress.

      My heart goes out to you in this uneasy time.
      Best Wishes,
      Philipa
      PS I say this most respectfully and tongue in cheek -perhaps you could go out and have your midlife crisis, ie awakening to rediscover who you are post kids. Get your good self back and have some fun doing it! xx

      Reply

  17. My husband says he doesn’t want to stay married. We have 3 kids. I’ve been trying to do the last resort method, but I wonder if it’s different enough? With the kids it’s almost impossible not to communicate. I joined a new fitness class. I’m currently a stay at home mom so any other suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

    Reply

    1. Dear Lisa,
      Sorry to hear your husband has told you this.

      Yes having children adds an element to the Last Resort. Obviously you need to communicate with your co-parent but keep it to the basics of practicalities in a friendly upbeat manner.

      Perhaps this can be an opportunity for your husband to get more time with the children, so you get to explore for yourself?

      In my experience folk often say that a benefit of the separation has been they have formed a closer bond with their children. I’m looking for the silver lining of course, no one in their right mind would instigate a separation.

      Gather your friends, meet in the park, beach or play area. Do things that inspire you. Perhaps you have a business idea you’ve always wanted to progress?

      Learn a new language – duo lingo have a terrific app.
      Do some journaling, gardening or cook a new dish whatever makes your heart sing.

      I like the library too. So glad you have joined a fitness class.

      The Internet is an amazing resource too.

      Sending you, and all the others reading this hugs and love,
      Philipa

      Reply

  18. I’m definitely doing step 2 but I have so little spare time because I have three children in activities and I work 50+ hours per week. There aren’t enough hours in the day for me to “get a life”. But I do go out for drinks with friends and spend as much time with my kids as I can. I am just running out of hope and patience that he will see the new me and fall back in love with me.

    Reply

    1. Go Katrina!

      Step 2 is vital and the idea is to get your best self back. Let go of the outcome and fall in love with you, the wonderful and amazing person who has 3 kids and working so hard!

      If it is suitable I would let Dad spend more time with the children.

      I would like you to put the emphasis on you for a change. Start by asking yourself what do I need? What would I like to do? I suspect it may be to chill out on the couch, with your busy schedule. All I ask is you take care and have no judgment of yourself and your needs. Rather act on them graciously.

      Reply

  19. Dad gets way too much time with the kids because he only works 30 hours per week and he seems to be buying them gifts and playing super dad lately because he wants 50/50 custody desperately if he moves out. I just wish I knew how to get him to notice all the positive changes I have made so he can soften his heart and give this marriage a chance by working on it. He refuses to work on it. We used to be so in love and such a great couple. But he has forgotten all that and totally rewritten history. It’s so sad. And it’s hard to do LRT when we live in the same house and co-parent 3 kids and he’s home most of the time due to his job flexibility. Is there anything I can do?

    Reply

    1. Dear Katerina,
      thanks for your email.

      I am not sure how much time is too much time for a parent to spend with their children. It sounds to me like you both want to be there for your children, whichis wonderful.

      The biggest and best thing to do is realise these positive changes and good things you are doing are for you. When this hits home, others will see it notice it too.

      This is best achieved with sustained effort. Keep you your good works and let og of the focus on him and what he is or isn’t doing is my best suggestion.

      Think about what want to achieve. Is it a loving relationship? What is an example of a loving relationship? For what purpose? And then get specific. Really think about it and apply.
      Take care and we wish you the best!

      Reply

  20. Hi my name is chantelle and i am currently seprate from my husband for a week
    He has had enough because i am parinoid and cant value him he beged and cried but i couldnt see by me keeping tabs on him that it was pushing him away.He has moved out of the family home and has rented his own place.We have spoke and he is said that there is no way back and hes had enough after 10 years i have beged and pleaded but nothing is working.I am at lost as what to do next so will give this a go any advice will be welcome

    Reply

    1. Dear Chantelle,

      Reading your email I get a sense that the anxiety you experience has created a divide in your relationship.

      Chantelle I don’t want you to allow the insecurity and paranoia you feel to stop the relationship.

      So glad you have found the LRT to give you the steps for personal growth and change.

      Apply Step 1 and live Step 2 while being in Step 3 with patience.

      Reply

  21. My husband and I have a ton of history – we have done a lot of damage over the course of our marriage, though we despite it all recently spoke and agreed to work on reconciliation.
    I am coming up on a year of sobriety, which caused a lot of wreckage in our marriage, though a pretty equal share has come from him as well. We have not lived together for the last three years, though have continued to talk, dinner, intimate times.. and argue like champions in a power struggle. We are both quite strong willed individuals.

    During the last year of sobriety, I have woken up to fully experience a lot of undesirable things I have allowed to slide (silent treatment, general asshattery treatment, snark, disrespect) due to the guilt I felt over my own behavior. Now that I have self respecting habits – it has caused quite the shakedown since I have been putting my foot down over this treatment.

    My husband’s response to this has been to run hot (with passion and anger) and icy. I am guilty of being pretty intense, rant-prone (most of our fights occur over text due to his travel for work), and doing a heavy hand of pursuit while he avoids and has literally not replied, reached out or anything for around 10 days now (since my last um…text bombardment – I know. I was really hurt and upset). I have not reached out. It feels incredibly manipulative – after being told he is willing to go to counseling, to conveniently have an issue with him fulfilling none of his promises.

    I hate unresolved conflict – and this seems to be a stalemate. I feel he is waiting me out, waiting me out. Literally sitting on chat apps ‘Online’ staring at eachother’s respective screen like teenagers. I don’t want ten years to end without a single word. I think your outlined plan is my only option – but I don’t know how to get at least tiny communication to resume…and of course, I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of my reaching out – only to ignore me. Which is his MO.
    What is a girl to do… I am utterly exhausted emotionally and so so lost and confused.

    Reply

    1. Dear Jetty,
      firstly congratulations on your sobriety!

      At least this allows you the opportunity to think clearly and act well. So good on you.

      I am hearing patterns that are a concern. The phrase ‘text bombardment’ while I love it, I imagine I would not like to be on the end of this sort of campaign.

      This may lead to your dance pattern of hot and cold. I do agree text is not the mature or most responsive way to help your communication issues. Having said that it can be a safety thing at least you can read and choose to delete.

      I would definitely take a rest. You need to stop living in the past hurt and resentment.Go to the Resources section and look up my Youtube favourite Michael Sealey – you can heal in your sleep. It is free and certainly helps. I have used his 10 day program and recommend it to all.

      I will pop something I use with couples soon for better communication.

      So rest up and heal. We support you and yoru efforts with the last resort!
      Go girl!

      Reply

      1. I thought I would give an update to where things stand after deciding to change my approach.

        We had a sad day here on the Stats on Valentines, so I decided to leave him a voicemail. Maybe going against the no contacting, but it shook me to think of life ending with this going on. I followed that up with a text which was ignored, then did the same a few days later. It was a soft text, and nothing else.

        We have been talking since…granted its been mostly flirtatious, there has been some conversation. I have been pulling WAY back and trying very hard to sit on my hands and have him be drawn out to me.

        This is very hard for me. But we will see how this goes. I am having to look at it as an experiment. Lol.

        Thank you for the article, I am seeing some change in our dynamic even if it is small.

        Reply

          1. Things continue to go in a stable ‘not fighting’ direction. A few weeks back, after I desperately landed here…I was given this video by a person that I see for counseling informally, she’s studying. It was pretty cool…I know this expounds on the approach/avoid dynamic which at least in my experience has shown to be a massive piece of the puzzle of things…

            Watching it made me really see some things and get a new perspective. I by no means have read the book/or have any advertising value, but for me, applying this has literally caused some massive shifts.

            I hope I can continue to not nag, and build upon the progress backing wayyyyy off the pattern and path I was going down…this is so much more effective to back off, focus on yourself and watch the “shiny object” you become draw others to you..

            Reply

            1. Dear Jetty,
              thanks for your email. I tried the link and it did not work ( it wasn’t about buying an engagement ring was it?) if you respond and let me know the name of what it was on YouTube with another link I will look at it.

              Glad you are getting massive shifts! Keep up the good job.
              Best Wishes PHilipa

              Reply

            2. Glad you are getting in touch with your ‘shine’ this is so attractive to others. You are right in the spirit of things and have rally nailed the essence of the LRT.

              Great advice – back off, be yourself and shine!
              Love it thanks Jetty!

              Reply

              1. Hi this is a message for the gentleman who rang me yesterday at 5pm, (Spiro) can you please call again. I was unable to get the last few digits of your phone number. Thanks!
                Regardsl Philipa

                Reply

        2. Hi there,

          The video was located here : https://hypnosis.edu/streaming/ and it was the E&P Attraction.

          Small bumps/snags still come up, but I have to say that this has made such a huge difference for me…I absolutely nerded out and made a calendar, started tracking what was going on in our relationship in direct proportion to my level of pursue and it was startling to see how badly my pursuit was upping the confrontation level.

          If nothing else, the insight it offers to keep track of things in this way is helpful to my own motivation to act/not act accordingly..

          Thank you so much!

          Reply

          1. Thanks Jetty,
            I wanted to watch it. I saw about half. There may be some useful exercises on your family of origin and patterns of behaviour. When we know ourselves better we can make new choices.

            While the E & P model is not from any psychological theory, it is an interesting concept. The good people there are using Milton Erickson’s Hypnosis and Neurolinguistic Programing. All super power in the art of change.

            Glad it has helped you Jetty, thanks for sharing. Hope you are doing well.
            Best Wishes
            Philipa

            Reply

          2. I have to say, that I am so impressed with the way this article helped me reign in my behavior. Following the tips here, along with some personal reflection, it seems like it has turned a corner.
            The fighting has stopped. He is pursuing me. He is showing affection and effort. Just last weekend, HE asked me, to go away to Los Angles together. We hadn’t seen eachother in six months and I don’t think it could have gone better. The change in myself is huge – I feel better about life, and about the way the relationship fits now. Just the fact that no fights have been had (with things coming up still) in over two months is mind blowing.

            Thank you so much for this article, it really changed my perspective, and in turn, everything!

            Reply

            1. Dear Jetty,
              Well done you for taking the gull by the wings and learning so much about how your ‘old’ behaviours was not helping and being brave enough to embrace the Last Resort.

              Truly it seems as there has been a shift back to you. You create the space and he stepped up. I think you have acted and chosen a well. You change you and your whole world expands to fulfil your dreams, if I can be so bold. Yay share a bottle of bubbly with a pal.

              The next step is to address the issues in the relationship when you are more solid.

              All the best and thanks your email will encourage others in the low spot.
              Best Wishes,
              Philipa

              Reply

  22. My husband and I have had relationship challenges for years (poor communication, broken promises, lack of intimacy etc.)…no infidelity or abuse. I have talked about leaving on several occasions not because I didn’t love him but because I was frustrated and exhausted and wanted peace. Last night we were in one of our routine arguments and he talked about divorce for the first time saying he didn’t think it was working and he was angry and frustrated over the repeat arguments. Even though I had talked about leaving before it really hurt me to hear him say it as I always thought he was rock steady in loving me. I acknowledge I have been difficult and have said hurtful things to him in trying to get my points across and I believe I did go over board in my criticism. I thanked him for telling me his feelings, apologized for my behavior and that I did not really understand how much I hurt him, truthfully told him I would like to change and make the marriage better, told him I loved him and us but if he really wanted to leave I would not try to make him stay. He said we just take time to think about it. My natural inclination is to try and fix the problem with talking and rationalizing etc. but I am going to try this approach as all my talking and rationalizing in the past have done nothing but bring us to where we are today. I am scared and when faced with the real possibility my marriage of 16 years could end…very sad. I am not afraid of being alone I just deep inside love him. Please wish me luck..thanks.

    Reply

    1. Dear MB,
      wow I am impressed at your insight and your turn around in behavior. In your email, I see you have taken personal responsibility for your past behaviour. This is a huge forward step. The next must be a continuing change of behaviour toward your best and most ideal part for being in a healthy relationship.
      I am sendinng you heartfelt good vibes and the biggest horsehoe for luck!
      Well done,
      Philipa

      Reply

  23. I have been married for 26 years, together for 29. The past couple years have been rocky, but I always thought we would work through them and get back to better times. We’ve had lots of stress, and we argued a lot. 5 weeks ago he tells me he reconnected with an old friend and he was leaving to move in with her. He has given me the same old crap I read – “she gets him”, “they are so in sync” and they have a connection. I love my husband very much and want him back. I did the begging and whining for weeks and only pushed him further to her. Do I have any kind of chance at getting him back if he thinks he is in love with her?

    Reply

    1. Dear Becky,
      not easy for you there, sorry to hear. Sending you warm fuzzies at this time.

      The LRT will give you a plan and an opportunity to grow and move forward whatever the outcome. So take action today!
      Best Wishes
      Philipa

      Reply

  25. Hi, my wife and I have been together for 6 years married for 3. 3 months ago I caught her having an affair for the 3rd time in the past year with the same guy. The previous 2 times we decided to try and work it out but obviously she was never truly committed to thAt so it didn’t work which led to the 3rd time. After that she decided she wanted a divorce and left me. I was fine with it at first because of the anger I had towards what she had done to me. However now after some time I want nothing more than to forgive her and getvour marriage back. She doesn’t see any way it will ever work again and insists we go through with the divorce. We currently switch off staying at home with our 2.5 yr old daughter. When I came across this article it described exactly what I was doing to try and change her mind with no effect. I feel this maybe my only option Sinse she is not interested in going to counseling and feels we have tried long enough. I guess my uestion is how do I take the time to apply this technique and delay the process of getting divorced since she is so adiment about it? Thanks

    Reply

    1. Dear Justin,
      glad you found us and are using the advice. The LRT is not about delaying her in anyway (sorry!). If you really give the Last resort your best shot, I wonder if you may see her change and slow things down. Try it. Tell us.
      Figure out what she was getting from steppingg outsilde the relationship, in time you may get to met that need.
      Good Luck!

      Reply

  26. Hi Philipa

    I used to contribute to this forum but nothing much was happening at home so my posting dropped off. In summary, my wife left me a few months ago and after making the usual mistakes I used LRT. A degree of communication was established. We don’t meet or phone and I’m quite sure she wouldn’t want to if I suggested it. But I send an email fairly regularly if I can think of an excuse and it seems to have settled into a kind of pattern. I always email first and her replies are always much shorter but are the friendly side of stone cold although not much. She is appreciative of me sending support for the children and if I encourage her that she’s doing a good job on her own. But she will not reply at all to any reference I make to the time when we were happy and the implication that we split at a time of unusual and extreme stress. I think that’s a fairly accurate description. It’s as if she doesn’t want to admit there was a past and it was usually quite good. At the same time she is giving no indication that she plans to press ahead with divorce. I’m not sure what to make of it and what to do especially about drawing attention to the fact that we used to get on fine.

    Sam

    Reply

    1. Dear Sam,
      thanks for your update. You need ot reapply the LRT you inadvertently are chasing your partner away with those sort of reminders which I guarantee you will only bring on the ‘guilts’ from your partner. Now no one of us likes to feel guilt, or shame so we will naturally attempt to get away from the cause of it. You see the logic, right?

      Reminding her of the good times, saying things weren’t so bad and the split was due to unusual and extreme stress will further damage your cause. So my advice is DON’T do it. Stop this. It is not any part of the LRT you need to apply step one religiously. Sorry to say but you have kinda adapted it in not a useful way. The LRT is not about getting your needs met or your partner back, so much as getting your mojo back.
      Having said that you are doing ok, based upon results no divorce papers. So we are in it for the whole season not the game.
      Keep up the good work,
      Best Wishes PHiliipa

      Reply

    2. Hi Sam,
      There was a time in my marriage when I thought things were going well but that was only from my perspective and I realize now that she felt differently. So it would actually hurt me each time I bring up the “good times” because she viewed them differently. So I caution you from bringing that up and continue the LRT. Good luck.

      Reply

  27. So last year, she took a flight to meet her online AP and made it physical. She came home, and he dumped her. I employed the last resort technique, and it worked! We have five months together…until the AP broke contact and it started up again. We had a fight and that was it. It’s like she’s an addict or something. I love her very much and would love to rebuild. Should I try this again (last resort) or simply just give up 20 years together?

    Reply

    1. Dear Jim,
      Congratulations with teh good outcome the first time round with the LRT. I guess you have to ask yourself and anser that question whether to go around again with the LRT. My ovte is for yes!
      Sending you a wholehearted good luck.
      Cheers PHilipa

      Reply

  28. Hi again Phillipa,

    I am continuing to be patient. We have had a couple of coffee dates that went ok. Unfortunately I think it also frightened her away in the flight mode.

    So I have agreed to a movie with her that might rest the words and just allow her relax in the moment and stay away from talks if us. She is now asking questions of “how am doing?” and “what new things am I doing?”

    I am going to concentrate on building relaxed time with her.

    Any advice would be appreciated.

    Rick 🙂

    Reply

  29. Hello,

    My husband and I have been married for 18 years, together for 23. We have two beautiful boys (ages 8 & 10). Five years ago, we were having difficulties getting along. We were always mad with each other and intimacy was gone. Then one morning he told me he couldn’t take it anymore and was leaving. That he was not attracted to me (I did gain a significant amount of weight) and that he just did not love me anymore. I begged him to stay but he had his mind set up. Everyone around me, including his own mother, used to tell me there was somebody else. I did not believe it. I continued to say that I knew him and that was not his character. In those months he was gone, I lost 50 pounds and was taking care of myself. 8-months later he returned but a week after he returned, I found out the truth. He did leave because of somebody else, a woman I had worked with. Of course, I felt betrayed and the love and emotions I felt for him were gone in an instant. I asked him leave but he refused saying he knew he wanted me and nobody else. I allowed him to stay; however, it was very hard for me. I did not love him. I despised him. I couldn’t stand him touching me, but I had made the DECISION to try. So I pushed those feelings of hate I had for him aside and gave it my all to try. I owed it to my boys to try and have not regrets. About a year later, the feelings of love and security came back. Trust, not completely.

    Well, here we are 5 years later and my marriage again is falling apart. Within the past five years, I gained back the weight I had lost but also had the mentality of “screw it, if he loves me, he loves me for me not my weight.” Sex was non-existent, partly because of me. I did not feel good about myself so how can I let myself be completely free with someone that I thought only cared about my weight. Also, his betrayal still haunted me. Communication was less. We had attitude with each other and fought often.

    So this past November 2017 he had a talk with me that he was unhappy. The lack of intimacy and communication were his complaints. After much talk, I agreed and told him I would do my part to make our marriage work. I took full responsibility of what I did wrong. I also knew that I did not fully recover from his infidelity. We had 6-sessions with a marriage counselor (not successful because all he was worried about was how much it was costing us). I began to go to the gym and so far have lost 20 pounds of the 50 I’ve gained. I don’t reject him when he wants to be intimate and I make an effort to listen to him when we talk, acknowledge his thoughts and feelings. Yet, he continues to say that he does not love me. That he’s trying but that is not coming out naturally. That he does not know if he wants to save the marriage because it’s not easy for him to switch the emotions back on. He has even thrown it in my face that why now that I might lose him am I trying to change. Why did he have to say our marriage was not well for me to change. I don’t get it, isn’t this why he brought it, because he wanted change? He keeps reminding me that he’s trying but he does not feel the same way. But yet, when I ask him what is he going to do about, all he says is “I’m here, right? I’m trying.” I’ve asked him to please not remind me that he does not feel the same way because it’s hurtful. I know how he feels. I don’t need to be reminded of that. His response is that he is just being honest with me.

    I want to save my marriage, but I’m feeling defeated, hopeless. I’m feeling unloved, unwanted. He will be leaving the country in a couple of days for a family function. He will be gone 4-days. I was going to go; however, I cannot bring myself to go celebrate when I feel my life is upside down. I’m hoping that these four days apart will help me breathe again and get myself together. Any other advice?

    MFY

    Reply

    1. Dear MFY,
      you have been through a great deal.

      Sorry things are not easy. What is interesting is it took you a whole year to let go of your hurt and angry feelings. You now need to love yourself back. I believe a divorce is a hell of a lot more expensive than therapy. Just saying.

      There is a part of you possibly protecting yourself with the weight in the past. When he starts on the i don’t know how or feel or I don’t love you. Ignore and distract with another topic is my best advice. It can be as simple as what’s for dinner? You hungry? I wonder what the weathers doing? Something inane, no audience no show! Stop any questions on the relationship etc, reread the LRT, I am in the process of making a tip sheet soon.

      Continue your personal development – well done by the way! Get to the library for some books on infidelity recovering, see our book resources for some suggestions. The project is you, love you and more love will come.

      Clear out your underwear drawer, yep you read that right. Anything old not well fitting or done the dash get rid of. It is very liberating!
      Wearing what you feel good in will help.
      Best Wishes Philipa

      Reply

  30. how to have communication if my husband wont really say anything to me ? he said he needs space but I think that will just make it worst.

    Reply

    1. Dear Julia,
      short answer my love – is you give him space and let him come toward you.
      Rationale:
      If you pursue him, he will only feel pressured and need more space. ( Not what you want, hey?)

      Loving someone is really about giving them what they are asking for ( I am talking about needs here) even if we don’t want to. It’s unconditional.
      goodluck xx
      Philipa

      Reply

  31. Hi! Great stuff here! I’m having a hard time with the seeming cognitive dissonance of “getting a life” during LRT (which I have been- doing all kinds of new things) and thinking that there is a glimmer of hope that it will work and my wife, that I’m very much in love with will, want to be with me again. Living separately for 3 weeks now, and it’s tough. Heart aches. Have not heard from her in 4 days, which is when I, unbeknownst to her, started LRT. All I can do is be patient and optimistic, right? Thanks

    Reply

    1. Thank you TB!

      You are in the early days, glad you have found the LRT. I would say there is more cognitive dissonance required in keeping after your partner when they have said they are not there. Getting a life is a healthy thing at not at odds really.

      I had a lovely LRT coaching client say the LRT has “given me back me”, ” I realise it is not about getting her back, of course I hope for that but it is about getting me back.” I think he summed it up well there.

      Perfect attitude patient and optimistic. You’re switched on.

      Keep up the good work.
      Best Wishes Philipa

      Reply

      1. Rough night. Went to wife’s house for pkanned visit. All set for no pursuit and to keep everything cool- when she says she wants to clarify rhat my changing doesn’t mean she’s automatically going to want to be together again(I knewthat) and that she has been fine living/being by herself other than the first week or so of out month so far separation. I backdlid and got a little emotional. Not good. But, she did admit she has been much busier with after work stuff than usual and it’s inly been a month, but (and I’m going to fight like hell for the marraige), I really am afraid thst she really is going to be happy living/being by herself and not have a care in the world about me other than to be friends. We have a 19 year old, away at university son. Any thoughts? Thanks 🙂

        Reply

        1. Dear Tb,
          good work!
          Learn from the backslides, so they don’t happen. Keep visits short, cheery and leave on a positive note.

          Deal with your fears, and it won’t be with her. Look up the resources section and use some of the free and helpful stuff there on the website. I reckon the Michael Sealey Youtube will be gold.

          Take are and good luck,
          Philipa

          Reply

  32. We’ve been married 15 years, 3 years ago she said I am not the same person she married. I have not been successful at work and we became more distant and argued. I took my marriage for granted and over the last 8 months I have worked to change my work ethic, outlook, helpfulness with everything in the house or errands, and the kids. I’m even teaching myself to cook with our busy work schedules (even though I make a huge mess in the kitchen). I have also been fasting and praying that God softens her heart. She has become more pleasant now, but still has a wall built around her. When I brought up counseling she said that she was unhappy for so long and she doesn’t remember why she was even attracted to me. She feels duped because she married someone that did not have a college degree that ended up unorganized and unmotivated. She said she considered divorce at the lowest point, but is comfortable co-parenting in the same house. I don’t want co-parenting, I want my marriage back. I plan to continue improving myself and doing things for her and my family while trying to be someone distant. She is willing to stay together for the kids but that only means divorce when they get older, I watched this happen to my brother. During this time she has done well at work and I am happy for her but that is where she gets her satisfaction (and the kids). I hope that she doesn’t use it to replace me. I’ll try the technique and see how it goes.

    Reply

      1. Dear Craig,
        I would think pleasant, kindhearted thoughts, put a slight smile on my face, lift my head up slightly and relax my shoulders in those precious pauses and take a breath.

        Remember your kids are the things you created together, I am glad for you.
        Patience and hope,
        Best Wishes Philipa

        Reply

    2. Dear Craig,
      you are gaining great insight from reading your letter and making good progress, 8 months out of 15 years will not seem like long term change.

      You are in the process of clearing and cleaning up the past. Work hard, let go of expectations. Be the best co-parent you can be, this will give your partner a warmer feeling over time.
      Hang in there and make sure you clean up after you cook lol ;))
      Best Wishes
      Philipa

      Reply

  33. Help, I want to save my marriage. I have been with my husband for 22 years and we have 2 boys. A year ago my husband started acting different. We both thought it was a mid life crisis and he just needed some space to “figure things out”. So I gave him space. He went on men’s retreats, worked late hours, even stayed out all night. I told him that I am there for him, I will be patient, and that I love him. When he was home he was short, angry and would fall asleep on the couch. After a few months of this, I reminded him that I was there for him. He told me that my touch made him have panic attacks. 1 1/2 months ago he moved out of our family home. I told him not to, I told him that he was moving away from our marriage. He said he HAD to move out. During this whole time he has been saying it’s not you it’s me, I love you but I’m not in love with you. I’m devastated. He is not acting like the man I married, the man I’ve known for 22 years! When we talk he is only focused on himself. How much weight he has lost and work. Looking back I know can tell that he hasn’t been thinking of me almost this entire year. In the past he has complained that I am passionless. It’s true I am more reserved and I find it almost easy to follow your steps. My fear is that I am watching him go because I’m not putting up a fight for him.

    Reply

    1. Dear Kelly,
      it sounds like you have forgotten you.

      I am having a guess here but your letter makes it sound like you have sacrificed your needs for his.

      Truth be told he is not the same man you married and you are not the same woman. Each have you have grown.

      Do some soul searching and look at inspiring you and finding your passion, just a hint it won’t be him yet.

      Start talking about you and your interests in small doses.

      Immediately cut short his monologues on weight, self or whatever with a cheery, gotta go now, I have a meeting or something good you have to go to be vague.

      I am saying here stop being so nice!

      Which means you are no longer his fan base. Be your own. I hope you can see where I am coming from. Self care of an extravagant nature is required. I’d bet you have self sacrificed your needs for his. No man respects this, it is a huge turn off! Sorry honey, but I had to say. So STOP now, this very minute and get your game on girl xx

      Get him to share his new self with your boys more, so you can recharge you. New hair, makeup, girls night in or out.

      I want you to fight for you first.

      Best Wishes,
      Philipa

      Reply

  34. I had marriage breakup with my husband for about 6 years but i could not fall in love with another man because i love my husband dearly, i had to search for my husband and i are finally back…………….

    Reply

    1. Nice to hear that you found each other later down the road. I have been separated 7 months after my wife left. She says she likes another man. I have been dating and feel interest at first but then it fades… I think I can’t feel the love for new women because I love my wife still

      Reply

  35. Philipa,
    I am reading your advice and it seems like it may help. I am scared in my heart I am shutting the door with my husband.
    To me he had an emotional affair with a coworker and he insists that they were “just friends” and she does as well.
    But as the story unfolds he got her a necklace that had significant meaning and mind you she wears it everyday, talked to her on the phone for hours a day while he was at work, would bring her up in conversation constantly, knew about all of her personal problems and brought them home, he hid phone calls and texts once I admitted to going through it, took her home without telling me, and has just not told me the truth when it came to her.
    We had been in a deadhold arguement about the innapprioprateness of their relationship. Now it has all come to light about the deleted calls, texts, necklace, and I feel so distraught.
    We have fought and I am sick of fighting.
    He mentioned to me that he is sick of fighting because that is all we have done for 3 years.
    Is he looking for a way out and trying to make me the bad guy? I am hurt beyond belief and angry I am this hurt.
    It is hard for me to process this and I don’t trust him based on the constant lies and I don’t believe for a second he isn’t talking to her like he says.
    He works with her.
    Is there hope for my marriage? In my heart I do love him but it just feels like he has betrayed my trust and hurt me really bad. I don’t know in my head if I can accept this.
    He wants to act like nothing happened and this bothers me. He has apoligized but it just doesn’t feel like enough.
    I have felt that my marriage is one sided and I am sick of going the extra mile. Please offer advice because I am just scared that I am hanging on when there is no point.
    Signed,
    Hurt and Lost

    Reply

    1. Dear Hurt and Lost,
      sounds like things have not been easy in your marriage.
      So sorry to hear this but you now have an opportunity to learn and grow from this relationship crisis.

      Affairs whether they be emotional or otherwise are usually about a need. I am going to ask you a really tough question and you will be able to answer – what need is being met in the emotional affair? Really think about this.

      When a relationship is halted in the fight zone, the only place left is to retreat for those feeling attacked or charge in for those wanting victory. Both people feel like they are on opposite sides of what is a battlefield. You have to get in the trenches together, stop defending and attacking and start listening to understand for your marital relationship.

      Of course the above is general advice for all.

      I am a hope holder, so yes while there is life there is hope.

      You have to take your power back and stop the battle. Cease all fighting today, call an inner truce for yourself. Stop going the extra mile – is this what you spouse would say you were going an extra mile or something else? Don’t be a martyr, you are much more than a victim, I am certain.
      Consider this. Start the LRT immediately.

      Good luck with it. And please let us know your progress.
      Best Wishes Philipa

      Reply

  36. Hi Philipa,

    Thanks for your column. Like many others i am too having issue with my marriage. We got married November 2016 after dating happily for 6 years. We both loved each other too much to stay apart from each other and had to convince our families to get married. We follow different religion/culture . Things were great for initial 6-7 months after marriage, until my in laws (who live in Asia) visited us in the states. My mother in law started pointing little things like how i am a girl and i should focus more on home rather than on my profession, i should abide by what she says as she is elder and how i shouldn’t ask my husband to help me in household stuff. Me and my husband started having small fights which turned into bigger ones. My in laws demanded an apology from me as I couldn’t take a vacation during the end of their stay as i had a major project milestone in office, which i felt was uncalled for as they were already aware of my work during that time.
    i tried giving them as much time as possible, took them out for vacations over the weekends and dinners over the weekdays. My husband however didn’t take even a single leave during their 1 month stay and that was fine by them. All they did was complain about me and how i don’t understand the responsibilities of a married girl towards the in laws. Things started getting tensed between me and my husband due to constant nagging from his parents and he became rude and less supportive.
    Withing the next 2 months after they went back to their home, my mother in law started crying too much over phone and demanded that we come visit her. I tried postponing the travel until i could as i knew that that would worsen the things between us and eventually my husband visited his parents in Dec 2017. He returned in Jan 2018 and since then he has become more rude, yells at me and says the marriage isn’t working. I tried making amends with his parents and tried to handle the situation patiently but they still keep calling me names and lie to my husband about me. Result is that my husband has become very cold towards me and calls his mother the moment we have any minor altercation. all his parents do is blame me for everything and call me a liar. They have met my parents also and have made false complains about me without even listening to my side of the story. My parents however support me.
    Recently my husband moved out of the house as per his mother’s advice and we haven’t talked for the last 2 weeks. This is so unlike us. I don’t know what to do. I need my husband to act maturely and not take every single domestic matter to his parents, but his mother thinks if he doesn’t do this, he will drift away from her.
    i really loved my husband, not sure of the current feelings as i am tired of every day fighting and listening crap about myself. I don’t know if this separation is going to help us resolve our issues or make the matters worse. Please advice what should i do

    Reply

    1. Dear Morgan,

      You can be the mature one. It really only takes one to Tango. If you change the dance the other person has to change.

      Immediatelty stop talking about his parents, the past and get your life back on track. You are obviously successful. You have not mentioned children, so I am assuming there is none otherhwise my advice would be different.

      Ask yourself this have you outgrown this relationship? Perhaps you have learnt from each other all you can?
      Give the LRT your best shot, and get your self esteem back.

      Separation will provide you both with some breathing space. You will either miss each other or feel relief no more fighting and this may inform you.
      Take are and all the best!
      Philipa

      Reply

      1. Thanks Philipa.
        Yes, you are correct, we don’t have children yet, and we both don’t want to plan given the current circumstances.
        I haven’t contacted my husband since he left and I totally agree that we both should should have some space to think rationally.
        However, my parents are becoming restless now, and want to talk to his parents on what should be the next steps. My family recommended marriage counselor to which his parents agreed earlier but since then there hasn’t been any kind of contact front heir end as well.

        I have asked my parents to keep calm and not to contact my in laws, but they don’t seem to be very comfortable with this separation. should they contact my in laws?

        I understand me and my husband are adults and should take our decisions ourselves but since his parents keep forcing their decisions on him and he follows what they say, my parents have started getting involved too.

        Please advise.

        Reply

        1. Dear Morgan,
          From your last email you were not happy with his parents being involved in you marriage, is that right?

          So as you are aware how this has affected you and your relationship, you may choose a different response.

          In your letter you say “I have asked my parents to keep calm and not to contact my in laws, but they don’t seem to be very comfortable with this separation. should they contact my in laws.”

          I would follow your own lead there, where you have said to your parents to respect your wishes and not contact them. You take the high road. I know it is not easy or comfortable going through a relationship crisis.

          As you don’t have children, I would kindly suggest you do a relationship review. Have you outgrown your partner?

          I suggest you focus totally on the LAST Resort especially step 2, get a life. This will help you heal no matter what.

          Wishing you all the best,
          Philipa

          Reply

          1. Yes Philipa, I am not comfortable with his parents interfering in every aspect of our married life and deciding what we should do. They definitely not like me as I don’t always say YES to what they ask me to do.

            Thanks for your advice, I will try convince my parents to hold back any communication with my in laws.

            Reply

  37. My wife left 6-7 months ago. She has been living with her mom. I am still in our home. I was neglectful and didn’t deal with stress well, didn’t treat her as well as she deserved, didn’t share love or communicate well. I was depressed at times during the marriage and “was like a black cloud” she says. I did provide for the family and we have the “American Dream” and a beautiful 3 year old daughter. But now she says she fell out of love with me and doesn’t have feelings for me. She is with someone else and says she really likes him. Of course he looks kind of like me but is 7 years older. I have tried and fought like hell for my ex and it has pushed her further away.

    I am going to try my best to follow the last resort. She has been over helping paint and prep the house for listing as I work a lot and do my part but she does not work and has more free time. Feels like time is running short. I am trying to be bubbly and happy I have a great job, healthy daughter and many things to be thankful for. But I want my family back. Advice is appreciated!

    Reply

    1. Dear Dan,

      love your attitude of gratitude. Keep it up. Time is time. Don’t put any pressure on yourself. I have seen it too many times where people think they are running out of time and then they get crazy anxious and act out in the old unhelpful ways. Let yourself learn from them.

      You can’t try to do the LRT you have to LIVE it. 100% every day. You are doing better than you think I can tell from your email.

      I would suggest you work with a coach or therapist to communicate more effectively and deal with stress in new ways.

      Good luck,
      Philipa

      Reply

      1. Philipa- Thanks for the reply I wish I had seen it before today. I went back and started talking to my ex, outlining positives the last two days. Back to square one with LRT have to do it 100% if it isn’t too late. I just wish I could help her feel better but we both know she has to do it herself. She blames me for everything and is so certain she does not want to be with me “we aren’t together and I don’t want to be with you” she said today. She wants to please herself not please other people as she has done in the past. She says things like she matched (online dating) with a guy that looks like me. Or this guy she’s dating is like me but 7 years older and been through divorce already and is such a good person. I don’t think she means to make me jealous but in her head I know there is turmoil. She presents herself like she’s so strong but doesn’t work and is having a very difficult time living with her parents and being a mom. I know she is an incredible woman but she isn’t the woman I know these days… We have a family and an incredible life to lead. I just can’t believe she doesn’t see it.

        I have grown more in the last 7 months than the previous 10 years. But I was a crappy husband I had no idea how to protect her heart or share love and passion. I just brought the bread home and was more concerned about my own short term convenience… she says “you killed me” She he has so much anger and anxiety towards me. Especially when we talk about anything that isn’t light. I know she’d benefit from therapy which I have done. Or couples therapy but she doesn’t want to relive the past or talk about it. Our daughter is with her most of the time so I am around her a decent amount but almost never just the 2 of us where we can actually interact and not just be mom and dad. I guess I truly have to let go and see if she comes back to me… easier said than done when I know she is bringing new guys into her life. I have been with other women also, she actually told me to date 2-3 months into the separation. My interest in new women never lasts more than a couple weeks and I want my wife and family back. I told her I am not going to date anymore until we finalize things one way or the other.

        She has noticed I’m more positive and things all my growth and change is admirable. But she hasn’t shown any positive emotion or interest. How should I interact with her? How can I be supportive and a good person when she acts like our marriage is over and means nothing. Just like a positive friend I suppose, keep it light or maybe try to act like she doesn’t exist as she has actually asked me to do… act like I’m not here she says. This drives me crazy – this is real life you are here.

        Frustration mounting but I know I have to give her space and let her go. Last Resort Technique take 2…. thanks again for any advice.

        Reply

        1. Dear Dan,
          you are aware now and yep get back on the pony express and give the LRT 100%. The backslide no doubt taught you something helpful.

          I think this line in your email is totally relevant “I guess I truly have to let go and see if she comes back to me…”

          You truly do. When you do this you free everyone involved. It’s an inner shift and takes effort. AS you say your 7 months of work is good but your relationship has experienced near on 10 years of the other stuff.

          You have to let go of any expectation that means positive or negative.
          I read your question “How can I be supportive and a good person when she acts like our marriage is over and means nothing. ” you have answered it from a very wise part : “Just like a positive friend I suppose, keep it light” Good stuff and on track. Of course she exists be kind and supportive. This is for the long haul.

          Find a new way to heal your frustration, which is most likely hurt. Own it and heal it. Get busy with the LRT take 2 and keep us in the loop.
          Best Wishes Philipa

          Reply

          1. What about the fact that we have planned on getting divorce after we list / sell our home that I still live in this spring?

            Reply

  38. Hi Philipa,

    My situation seems a little unique but one which I imagine must be occurring more regularly these days.

    I have been in a relationship with a woman for going on three years. Around 8 months into the relationship, I broke up with her. Several reasons but partly because her ex was causing very significant and serious issues.

    A few months later I asked her if we could try again, and we did. That was 18 months ago.

    She has 4 children, 12 and under.

    I have 3 children who are much older and living interstate.

    The ex is no longer really causing an issues.

    All the while we’ve been back together it has never been quite right. I have felt she’s really kept much of her heart back from me. Day to day life has revolved around practicalities and children, as is the case for most of us. There has been very little affection or intimacy between us. We live separately for practical financial reasons. But I have been there almost every evening helping with dinner, kids, all those things.

    My financial position during this time has been perilous. Often broke.

    A few months ago, she expressed to me that my financial situation was having a real impact on our relationship and that if it continued it would definitely strain the viability of our relationship. I am self employed and it hasn’t been going well.

    I feel I’ve improved the last few months, contributing much more both in terms of spending time with the kids, taking them out of the house for good periods of time which gives her a break, as well as contributing at least half the cost toward a short summer holiday.

    Nonetheless, it apparently hasn’t changed enough. She told me two days ago that she has had enough, that since we’ve been back together she hasn’t really wanted to spend any of the little spare time she has with me. That she’s happy with friendship / companionship but nothing more.

    She has expressed that she can’t see a future with me, implicitly because my financial position means much is impossible, and just really stresses / frustrates her.

    I’ve been aware of this.

    She says she still wants me to be part of her and the children’s life. One of her daughters birthday party is tomorrow and she wants me to be there.

    We had booked and half paid accomodation for another short holiday at the end of this month. The break up was precipated by the fact I wouldn’t have enough money for the holiday from my side.

    She has also said she still wants to go and wants me to come. (I am paying 3/4 accom cost).

    I know this seems a lot about money but anticipate you’ll understand it’s not so much about that as what it represents – ie a future, stress, ability to do things.

    As she expressed the other day, we couldn’t live together as a family even if we wanted to because of my situation.

    Nonetheless, I’m confused.

    She has really clearly said she’s done as far as a relationship goes and that my situation makes her un-attracted to me.

    Why then for me to be at the party and to go on holiday? I wonder if she is somewhere holding onto thenchance of my situation changing. Or if it’s simply a convenience / easier for her to have a bloke around to help out with such things.

    I don’t know what to do or how to go forward. If it’s over and out, it only makes it harder for me to ‘move on’ to spend time with her / them in that way.

    Please any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

    Many thanks,

    M

    Reply

    1. Dear Matteo,
      life is not so black and white.
      Good to hear you have an understanding and yoru partner has been upfront and honest with you.

      It sounds to me your partner never recovered from the initial break up and hence held back as you say her heart. I am going to be a bit tough but when she needed you to help her through the stress did you really have her back? Think about how she would answer this truthfully.

      In your letter I think it would be best for you to concentrate on you getting yourself a steady income, in whatever way legally possible, while you build up your business. I am self employed here at Marriage Works but I hae worked many part time paid by the hour gigs to pay the mortgage in my time.

      You have built friendships and connections with all your partners children, so you may need to be aware of the impact cutting off would have. As a man or woman you need to put those children’s needs first. Be there at the party, celebrate. Be kind and generous in all the ways you can.

      Best Wishes Philipa

      Reply

  39. My problem is somewhat different… My wife (who is the love of my life) asked me to let her go. Not divorce, just let her go because she is not happy, she is depressed and seeking therapy. She said you don’t want to be married to someone who isn’t happy so you need to let me go…
    and she said don’t come home. I will find somewhere to live.
    See, I am overseas contractor. Financial crisis hit our town after a devastating hurricane. So we agreed that I had to leave to pay bills. We were dating at this point but were exclusive. that was almost 8 years ago… I haven’t been able to find work at home since. I came home for six months to try to find work but no one was hiring. I returned to contraction.
    My wife hinted that I needed to come home but I felt I needed a job to come home to…
    Now she is saying she is past her breaking point, don’t come home and let her go.
    I want to sell everything I own and come home and work on our marriage because our marriage was almost perfect when I was home. She is the love of my life and she says I was hers…
    But now she has fallen into depression and want to be happy again.
    I did this, I take full responsibility for staying gone too long. I always tried to make it work as I was away and thought things were fine… or as fine as they could be in a long distance relationship.
    I Love my wife with all my heart and this is the hardest thing I have ever experienced…. She says there is no one else and I believe her. We both have been committed to each other. She just wants me to let her go…. and not come home and not try to fix us….

    Reply

    1. Dear Tom,
      so sad hearing your desperate situation.

      I can guess you are both very kind and lovely people. Possibly sacrificing the needs of yourself and the relationship with the practicalities of life. No judgement here on that from my end. It makes sense to me and unfortunately as you state has lead you both to this place.

      You have a choice by the sounds to either fight for your relationship or move on. ( Any children I strongly advocate for fighting for it!)

      Only you can make the choice from your heart. Depression does affect our cognition and our ability to make informed choices.

      You could ask if you there was a possibility to attend a therapy session as a one off with the therapist she has been seeing.

      A real cross roads, I hope the universal love and protection of goodness provides sanctuary whatever the outcome and it is in the best interests for all concerned.
      Good luck and our hearts go out to you both in this tough time.
      Philipa

      Reply

      1. Philipa,

        Thanks for the reply.
        The first thing I think I need to do is let her go. Not what I want to do, but she feels like she needs time alone. She did not say she wanted a divorce. She did say “if you love something let it go if it comes back to you its yours…. if it doesn’t then it was never yours”.. you know the old saying. Then she added that she knows people who separated and had gotten back later to have a better relationship. She also sounded like that is the resolution she is hoping for… But her therapist said that she needed to tell me the truth that we might not get back together… she don’t know how this will end, so be prepared. So, to me the therapist it driving this bus, or at least navigating it. True, she is going through depression and seeking help, and the therapist is trying to get her to remove anything that would cause pain or more depression so from the therapist’s outlook that would be me or our house with all the reminders of me… This is my thoughts. So, time away from our house and the things that remind her of why she is depressed might just be what she needs at this point.
        The second thing I must do is get back home. Jobs back home make less than half compared to where I am at. “IF” you can find one. I will have to do an entire career change. What I do over here requires lot of certifications and jobs in the same career-field back home label me as ALWAYS over qualified or too old. Yes, I am in my mid 50s. But, if I am going to try to get my wife back it isn’t going to happen long distance. Because that is what I believe put the amount of stress on my wife and pushed her to her breaking point. I think when she sees that I have come home she will realize that I am willing to do whatever it is I need to do to regain her trust and show her I am the person she fell in love with.
        But I am not going to pursue her. We will still be married (hopefully). But me pursuing her gives her the power and she asked me to let her go. When she sees that I am back, sees that I have given her the space she asked for, she will be thankful to me for granting her the space she asked for, thankful I finally came home (even when she said don’t come home). The only reason she voiced that was she does not want me to come home to try to fix us. She needs time to heal herself without me pestering her – begging for forgiveness – trying to get her back –
        etc. So if I come home and give her space and she sees that I am fulfilling my promises I made to her…. She will be more inclined to reach out to me. Plus, I believe things happen for a reason. I believe God is always in control. So, If I follow Him and do the things I need to do…. God will heal her wounds and He will rejoin us.
        This separation is a sure fire way to make me put her needs before my job, put her at the top of my priorities (where she should have been all along) and when I come home I trust she will see that. She will see that I have learned she comes before anything and I have best interests at heart and bridges will be built and fences will mend.
        And if for some reason she doesn’t want to reconcile… She will see that I held up my end, I was willing to come home and be there for her when she decided to make her final choice and I will know I did everything I could do to try to bring us together. It will be in God’s hands.

        Reply

        1. Dear Tom,
          that’s the spirit. It is letting go of the outcome and as you say it will be in God’s hands. The outcome will then be the best for the two of you, no matter what happens.

          It sounds like you are clear you are choosing to make the career change and move. Get really in touch with that personal choice it is empowering.

          It is good you are honouring her wishes to ‘let her go’. Dealing with the depression is most likely the only thing she can do at this time. It is terrific she is in therapy getting professional help. Depression work can take some time. Patience is always key.

          Best of luck with the LRT focus on Step 2!
          Cheers Philipa

          Reply

  40. It has been 5 weeks now and my husband is stil set we are never geting back together.I have been doing these steps and it is geting a bit easier.2 weeks ago he invintedd me over to his we got along but i messed up by asking 2 stay the night.He then back tracked and said i told you its over.However i then backed off.Last night he spent the night here for the kids so he could have time with them.Even tho they was in bed.I am takeing time for my self have starting a support group looking after my self and slowely finding peace.I have also been praying each day and night.He may never come back but i am now learning how to be happy even if this does happen.Thank you my questione is what do i do now.Do i txt some time next week 2 cheek how he is and does he want another sleep over with the kids.Or do i wait til he makes the move so he feels like hes in control.

    Reply

    1. It has been 5 weeks now and my husband is stil set we are never geting back together.I have been doing these steps and it is geting a bit easier.2 weeks ago he invintedd me over to his we got along but i messed up by asking 2 stay the night.He then back tracked and said i told you its over.However i then backed off.Last night he spent the night here for the kids so he could have time with them.Even tho they was in bed.I am takeing time for my self have starting a support group looking after my self and slowely finding peace.I have also been praying each day and night.He may never come back but i am now learning how to be happy even if this does happen.Thank you my questione is what do i do now.Do i txt some time next week 2 cheek how he is and does he want another sleep over with the kids.Or do i wait til he makes the move so he feels like hes in control.

      Reply

    2. Dear Chantelle,
      firstly well done!

      You recognize the slip up and got back on track. NO chasing has to be the go here. I probably would have him over for a family dinner and then bid him a cheery good bye. Of course organise normal outings for regular contact with the children but keep if child focussed. So no texting him to check how he is . That would be chasing.

      Yes let him make the first move.

      So glad you are in a support group, they are powerful, may you indeed find peace.

      With Love and light PHilipa

      Reply

  41. Hello!
    My husband and I have been having issues for about a year now. We’ve been married for 2 years this year will be our 3rd. Last year about this time he told me he wanted a divorce. He said how I was an amazing wife and he still loved me but he just wasnt happy. I read the divorce remedy book which was amazing! I started noticing little things he did and went out of my way to thank him. Things got better over a few months and the papers were never filed. We started doing more activities together. In the last couple months I have realised him getting distant again, and always wanting to hang out with his friends. Staying out late nights and the most hurtful thing staying at his friends house over night. I started grilling him with questions! He has once again bought up the divorce. So here we are a year later the same spot. Of course he told me and I immediately started crying. I told him I understood amd respected what he was saying. Then it all turned into a yelling match! Me saying not so good things! He left yesterday to go out of town. I kept myself busy with friends and resited the urge to text or call him. He did text me stating he doesnt think we should go out of town together which i replied simply with okay. HE then apologized for his decision but he feels im too amazing for hm, which i replied with its fine i understand. He then asked why my sudden change of heart. That question caught me off gaurd and I was havinga hard time replying. I told him I was respecting his wishes and space. I recieved a text back saying okay then my nickname. I tried not to get excited over just a nickname but it warmed me a little. I felt that was a battle I won. Im still feelinga little unsettled. Im planning to apply LRT hoping it will help us. I cant help but hold onto hope that we will get through this as we did last year. However, I have noticed one huge thing I stopped last year and fell back to doing is being critical of my husband. Like in divorce rememdy I asked my husband as a friend what could I work on with myself. HE said my self-doubt so I have been writing affirmations on the mirror daily! I used to be sooo confident in myself when we first met. Also, he feels I vent to my friends and family too much! which I do have a bad habit of venting, not about everything but when I am really hurt and feel like I need to be heard. I really want to work on these things and want him to see the change. Any suggestions for my situation are appreciated? I try to stay positive because I believe if I think of a negative outcome constantly it will lead to the negative!

    Thank you so much! I have read the majority of the responses above and they give me hope from the people who have had a positive outcome. Although I know I will be okay either way I much rather think this will work and we will once again get through this rough patch.

    Reply

    1. Dear L,

      Thank you for your email. Great to hear you have had some experience and things have gotten back on track in the past.

      The LRT is your best bet for now. However once things have settled I would recommend you get some marital coaching to ensure no more repeats.

      People need to understand while the LRT is great for an emergency if you then reunite, after some time you will have to deal with the marital issues that lead up to the split.

      I am so proud of you recognizing old patterns of behavior emerging and taking action from your email ” I have noticed one huge thing I stopped last year and fell back to doing is being critical of my husband. Like in divorce rememdy I asked my husband as a friend what could I work on with myself. ”

      Criticism is a deadly to relationships.

      And yes don’t turn to family or friends too much. We really need to protect the relationship and our closest people often take our side.
      Super pleased you have read the comments and are hopeful. You have every reason to!
      All the best and keep us posted,
      Philipa

      Reply

  42. Hi Philipa,

    I have found out that my wife has been gaving an affair for the past 6 months a few weeks ago. Prior to to finding out I was working on repairing our marriage, but now it seems much more difficult. I have confronted her about the other person and she will always neither confirm or deny the affair. After weeks of working on myself and using your tactic my wife told me that she is choosing to come back to our marriage, but doesn’t know if she will ever love me again like she use to. I am floored because I have told her that I just want to see her happy and to able to find the love that she wants and now she essentially staying together for our family. I feel lost and angry that she wants to return to our marriage, but also not acknowledge the affair. Your method works, but what do I do now that she wants to come back???

    Reply

  43. I definitely need to try this, great and useful information. Even though I have done majority of the don’t do things. The 28th of this month will be 6 years together we are only married 4 months. She said my patterns and behavior can’t accept it anymore. A week passed with her not speaking to me and i was hit with reality check i realized and admit my problems. Im seeing a therapist to help. I am awakened finally and realized my mistakes, she says she is done and that is her final decision no more chances. This happened last night but she still slept same bed and due to snowstorm she asked if I was going to work. I’m confused maybe she is curious if I do something different out of character? I’m trying to read all your guidelines in hopes to succeed.

    Reply

    1. Dear Luis,
      Thanks for your kind words.

      We are so glad you found us and the possibility of change.

      Hard as that reality check, it is a much better place to take off and develop from. Long term change takes time to be noticed. So hang in there. Being ‘awake’ gives you your power to change back, that is awesome!

      You can start doing things differently today. Be the husband and man who is loving and caring, I don’t think you can go wrong with that. I’m so pleased you have found outside help with a therapist. We often need someone to guide us through our challenges. You can learn what patterns and behaviors will support you and your relationships for the future.
      Keep us posted.
      Regards Philipa

      Reply

  44. Hi,
    I’m 30, 3 kids my middle child is actually my husbands with another woman who we now have custody of, she’s 8. My husband left this morning to go stay at his moms. We had a big blow out fight this morning he packed a bag and left. He parties a lot whether it’s home or away and I never have anything to say except he has had a job and will sleep all day the next day. My MIL says he’s unhappy with himself and has no self confidence and resorts to partying I guess but I stay on him to find a job and I’m the stressful nagger. I do poke I’m not innocent by any means but I just want a healthy marriage we’ve been through hell and back for 12 years he’s my life and after reading the bringing of what not to do I already did all of it and now I can’t reverse the text messages. I’m scared he’ll want to go cheat on me or never come home. Even though I know this isn’t all my fault I feel like it is. I don’t know what to do.

    Reply

    1. Dear Dee,
      You poor thing, you have and continue to be in a stressful situation. Wow 12 years is a long time.

      You can definitely start today. Stop the stressful nagging as you put it.

      I want every to read this – You have to ask for what you want. Too many people ask for what they don’t’ want. Let me give you an example. Spouse” you never take the garbage out on time, I always have to do it in the end.” Try this ” Honey would you mind putting out the garbage before the pick up please?” Can you see the difference.

      Now if your partner is dealing with a drug or alcohol problem or using coping behaviors that are unhealthy, reasons are not what is needed. I am for expecting positive change. And setting limits. As Dr Phil says we teach other people how to treat us.

      Focus on what you want, not the other way around. I would be asking for what I need. I want you to write out your needs Dee. Your physical, emotional, spiritual, partnership, and security needs. Get a piece of paper and sit down with pen and make a detailed list.

      Until we are clear on our own needs, how can we meet them?

      Let me say you both have responsibility. You will not hear me blaming or faultfinding here. Rather we look for patterns and issues to address. Now you may check out my guide here https://marriageworks.com.au/relationship-advice-for-couple-counselling/couple-therapy-session-preparation-help/
      The key is to focus more on you. As we know we have never had much luck in getting another person to do our bidding with criticism or punishment. We need to find new ways

      Reply

  45. Hi Phillipa,
    I have been married for 3 years and we planned a child together in which I am 28 weeks pregnant now. My husband has cyber sexed/emotionally cheated twice in the beginning of our marriage, which he felt remorse and we went to counseling and stayed together. During this pregnancy, we fought a lot and he kept telling me we need to figure visitation for the unborn baby because he doesn’t know if he can do it anymore. He said he needed space and time and doesn’t know if he wants to be together. I agreed to give space and he began staying out all night and drinking. I found out he was cyber sexting and emotionally cheating again and he said he was done with me with no remorse after I found out. I packed up and moved myself to Florida from Indiana to be with family. Now I want my husband back and to be a family but he still goes back and forth from saying “I don’t have an answer, wait to see if anything changes when the baby is born” and sometimes he says “sometimes people aren’t meant for eachother”. But he tells me he loves me every couple days and sometimes says he misses me. I’m so confused and feel like he is stringing me along to have his cake and eat it too. I started the process of not contacting him first and he did text me once but when I texted back, he didn’t answer. I don’t know if this process will work in my situation. Please help

    Reply

    1. Dear Aly,
      Congratulations on your baby! I want you to focus more on this new life. He or she needs you to care for you as the mother and carrier of life.

      What a wonderful thing. Life is precious.

      Reading between the lines your partner has some things to sort out for himself. You giving the LRT is probably the best and only thing you have. Especially Steps 1 & 2. You have to stop the chase. You are worth more than that. Besides you already now the frustartions of the pursuit. You get vague or unhelpful comments as your email states ” he still goes back and forth from saying “I don’t have an answer, wait to see if anything changes when the baby is born” and sometimes he says “sometimes people aren’t meant for eachother”. But he tells me he loves me every couple days and sometimes says he misses me.”

      Stop asking him anything. Wait for him to reach out.

      I have to say when people act in the ways your husband is it usually has more to do with their own upbringing. I was only talking to a partner the other day in session. Their partner responded in an unkind and terrified way when they learned of the first baby coming. They acted out by pushing away in a horrible manner. They later went on to have several children and are still together.

      He is obviously confused too. Let him sort that out for himself. You can sort it for you.

      Hope this gives you some help. Focus on your wonderful new life growing inside you. Find inner peace and outward support too locally.
      Best Wishes Philipa

      Reply

  46. Hi Philipa

    Just an update last wrote in January, wife is still ln deep mlc
    & have had no contact since Xmas day apart from a text in January about a bill as it had been over 30days of no contact thought I’d take the plunge & see if she would like to have a catch up over a coffee,still waiting for her reply, haven’t seen her since Xmas day and no contact whatsoever since January, my son 22 met her last night for a meal & told me she has never been happier, could use a little advise as to where do I go from here or just keep doing 180 as I have been.
    Thanks Sean

    Reply

    1. Dear Sean,
      thanks for the update. It sounds like you would be best to keep going with the LRT.
      Keep fostering and channeling your energy into your children.
      All the best,
      Philipa

      Reply

  47. Hello, my husband and I separated almost ago. At first, I was doing great in terms of distance and space. I limited all communication to just about parenting and it worked! My husband slowly started trying to talk to me more and told me that he does not want divorce, just to be apart for a bit. Then the other day, we had sex. This is where it went a little downhill. It was very loving and passionate at the moment and we felt connected again but I guess my emotions got the best of me and I’ve been texting him more and more since then and I’ve been a little needy and annoying in regards to asking about our future and proclaiming my feelings. He still wants to work things out and go to counseling with me, but I feel him getting annoyed with me and slowly limiting contact again. Did I ruin everything? Any way I can fix it?

    Reply

    1. Dear Amy,
      good work! Your email is a good example of how the LRT works. Go back to it immediately and really stop any chasing.
      Ah the sex thing often stirs things up. I will write more on this in a post. After having sex with your ex you have to really apply Step 1 100% and not let the hormones and emotions take over. Jump for joy by yourself.

      Stop the neediness now, do Step 1. Get back on track and wait. You can definitely come back from this, learn from this feedback you are receiving from him.
      All the best,
      Philipa

      Reply

  48. Update i have been not replaying to txt as often which resulted in him geting very angry and ignoreing me.I found out that he has a new girls freind in africa which he must off meat when we where together as its only been 5 weeks and he hasnt been back home.I habe come to relise that hes never comeing home.But i am ok with that because i can now see that me being worried about him cheati g wasnt all in my heaf and it was going on.

    Reply

    1. Dear Chantelle,
      Appreciate your update. Trust yourself. Sad but I guess you must be relieved knowing the truth.

      You are worth more than this sort of behavior. From reading you email, I believe you are starting to realise this. That is one of the best side effects of the LRT’s step 2.

      Recover your self and your esteem, you go girl! Require more from your next partner, you deserve a full commitment, not a player.
      All the best and let us know,
      Best Wishes Philipa

      Reply

  49. Here’s my story: my husband and I met at work and had an almost immediate chemistry. He has 3 children (10,12,14). I have two boys (9&5). It has been difficult blending our families as he was with his ex for 15 years and my boys resisting a new man. We have been living together as a family of 7 for over a year and married 8.5months. My husband and I have an incredible bond and I love him more than I could love any one else. Over the past few months however, things have changed between us. Both sets of our children have caused waves in our home with their other parents. The 14 year old continues to be suspended from school almost weekly at this point and has no respect for adults. My 5 year old made allegations of abuse to school toward my husband because admittingly his father told him to. There is resentment against the children by both parties. When the kids aren’t home I work nights and I am home during the day and we have little to no issues. When the kids are home we fight over everything even things not child related. I have formed very strong relationships with his children but he remains almost cold to mine which they pick up on. As parents it’s natural to defend our kids even if against our spouse I guess. On top of the children my husband received a demotion at work and ultimately became miserable there; I am a nurse he was in security. He kept complaining about his job and seemed so down and out all the time I gave him the option to support our family if he wanted to obtain a college education and pursue a new career. With this and losing his income we agreed his financial aid would be his contribution to the household. The house, all the bills, and both vehicles are in my name. Since my husband has started school, he didn’t give me all of the financial funds he received but rather spent it rather quickly. Not on frivolous things but insisting on eating out (family of 7) buying kids new things they wanted and at times needed but not a true life necessity. Meanwhile I’m working finding and trying to implement ways to get ahead in bills, rebuild my credit in hopes of buying land to build us a home once he’s finished with school. But my husband is now short tempered, calls my children sissies, constantly reminds me of my 5 year old’s lie and being cold. I have been the only one to make sure bills are paid or even care about them. I’m the only one that puts an effort into the house being maintained. I also have been doing a lot of his homework in his classes because he puts them off until the last minute and becomes overwhelmed so I do them to relieve the stress from him. But the one time I was at work and told him to do an assignment on his own he became more than angry. I try to work overtime to give us more money but that in returns sacrifices time with my children and them not being home as my husband doesn’t want to keep them because of the allegations, but his children are able to remain home. I find myself constantly annoyed, angry, and unappreciated. But at the same time apologizing and doing everything I can to make him happy. All I hear these days is “all you do it bitch” “nothing I do is right” “you don’t seem happy” well no, I’m not, I ask for things like do the dishes, hang your clothes, turn the lights off to alleviate some of the electric bill, but I come home to every light on, the house a mess, and him going to his brothers to help remodel his home. He seldomly wants to be intimate which he chops up to my nagging taking away the chemistry. But I’m exhausted, working, keeping the house clean, taking care of 5 kids and maintaining relationships with each of them in fear of them not being happy and returning to their other parents and causing more friction in our home. Not to mention making sure I’m home enough but also working enough to pay bills, not sleeping too much after a shift because that’s also frowned upon. It has become almost an everyday event at this point that my husband threatens to divorce me. Tells me we were a mistake, basically to hell with me and my children, and that I make him miserable. But after all the hurtful words on both of our parts, hours or maybe a day will pass and he will be back to my loving husband. I can’t try to talk out the problems because then it is ultimately returned to me complaining rather than trying to have a constructive conversation in finding a solution to our problems, but he would rather pretend nothing happened, the words weren’t exchanged and because he is over it that means I should also be. He then reassures me he is never leaving that I’m the best thing that’s happened to me and in the heat of the moment it is said to hurt me or out of anger, but it has been said outside of an argument too… this is all great for a few days until the next fuse is set off and the cycle recirculates. After this happening again tonight, and divorce was told to me as his only wish at this point, I told him this time he could have it. Stop the threats and just follow through because I have no energy to fight or save us alone, or be blamed for everything when I’m working so hard for our family but not noticed or appreciated. When I told him the divorce was fine if that’s what he wanted he didn’t argue anymore. I came to our room he’s on the couch on his phone watching Netflix, binging, as this is where almost all of his time is spent rather than homework or helping around the house. I was set in my head to pull back and give him what he’s asking for to see what Will actually happen if I stop begging and calling during arguments. Then I found this article which redifined the route I had decided to take but with more in regards to myself also. I don’t know what else to do anymore.

    Reply

    1. I also feel I should mention, my husband blames me for not having a job (even though he asked me if he could quit and I gave the go ahead and supported him going back to college). He constantly tells me he has nothing in his name, including a vehicle due to his being repossessed but the debt began accumulating prior to our relationship, but in return I financed a second vehicle so that he could have one. He says everything bad that’s happened to him is my fault, and that he doesn’t feel like a man without a job. Often threatens quitting school if I’m unable to help him with homework or what have you, and i in return help him so that our kids won’t think it’s ok to quit something because it’s new, unfamiliar, or difficult. He also tells me he’s looking to regain his old job back which will return us to him spending his check how he pleases and helping me when I make him with our bills. And possibly falling back behind rather than continue school and receive lump sum financial aid each semester to continue paying things off for our future. We lived just as pay check to paycheck when he was employed as we do now with just my income. How do I make it clear to him that I’m not at fault for his decisions and also not to be the one he takes his ego taking a hit out on?

      Reply

      1. Dear Amanda,
        yes blame is not easy and it takes a person’s power away. The more you defend or gt enmeshed in those discussions the less likely any accountability will occur.

        You need to stop listening to it or defending it for a start. Reword your answers to a blame statement to something like. I am sorry you feel that way. And change the subject, ” what shall we have for dinner today? How’s your team ( soccer, baseball, rugby, darts, motorsport) doing? Are they winning? – here you will get a different part out by talking about something that interests them, moving out of problem talk.

        Deflect out of it quick smart. Ignore the ‘hook’ and fish for what you want.

        Good luck!

        Reply

    2. Dear Amanda,
      well you certainly have your hands full reading your email. You poor things – all of you have had a rough trot to say the least.

      So happy you have found the LRT community. You have to put you first as you care for you and then the children. Your husband has some challenges he needs to attend. When 14 year old act out they are seeking help in the only way they know.

      This is my family friendly perspective here, others may feel differently.

      Our first obligation as parents is to our children, I am sure you are a loving parent and have been from the sound of your email extended your love into your blended family. I am sad this has not been reciprocated.

      I 100% believe in the case of separation we MUST work at a good and decent co-parenting relationship with the mother or father of our children for their sake.

      Sorry so much has happened and it has gotten to crisis, last resort time with divorce on the table.

      You have made a stand live up to it and being a nurse, I imagine you are a caring and giving person. Sometimes this can lead to you putting yourself last. This sort of self-sacrifice is not helpful and can lead a person to exhaustion, overwhelm and sets them up for being used and abused. Don’t be a martyr for the cause.

      There is some unhelpful behaviour that would fall into the abuse category – name calling, aggression and I am sure you know what I mean. This is unacceptable and has to stop, especially if children are in the house.

      WE have to take care of ourselves, as fathers and mothers, and when we do we can offer better care, more loving and open hearts to give.

      Good luck,
      Love and light Philipa

      Reply

  50. My husband and I have been together for 8 years and married for 3, and we have a 2 year old son. My husband is a police officer, so when our son started daycare at 1 year old, he started working extra security jobs so that we could afford to pay for daycare and keep up with our lifestyle. At the time, I told him I didn’t want him to work so much that it came between us and he agreed. However it did come between us. I was always taking care of our son by myself. I’d get off work, get our son, go home, take care of the house work, cooking, etc, then get my son ready for bed all before my husband would get home from work. I started to feel overwhelmed and exhausted and by the time he got home I had nothing left for him. He began to feel neglected and told me that one day he would stop trying. He was so hurt by my rejection of him. We decided that we needed to move back to our hometown to be closer to family so that I had more help. We weren’t able to immediately buy a house, so we moved in with my parents. living there for 8 months did a number on our already existing intimacy problems. My mom noticed that I wasn’t really me anymore, and she suggested I see a doctor. I found out that I had been depressed. I didn’t realize it and neither did my husband. When I told him I was depressed, he told me he was unhappy. This was in october 2017. He felt guilty for not noticing that I was depressed but also felt like he had warned me that he’d give up on me. We had a few fights about my insecurity and jealousy because he had stopped initiating sex, telling me I was beautiful, taking me on dates, etc. he really did give up on me and it made me so insecure. He told me he was tired of my jealous tendencies when he became friends with a female coworker. He was hiding the fact that they talked often from me, and I felt betrayed. This woman has led to many arguments. We bought our house 3 and a half months ago and began renovating it. A week after we bought our house, his mom passed away suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack. He shut down from me even more. I feel like he holds a lot of resentment and anger that she’s gone and he’s blaming me for a lot of it. He is angry that we didn’t spend more time with her and he resents that we always spend time with my family. All of these issues came to a head and we talked and he told me he loved me and wanted to fix things. I asked him if he wanted to be with me and he said yes and that he didn’t want to leave. I thought things were starting to look up. I was more attentive to him and our sex life was amazing. Then I saw he was talking to his female coworker again and we got into a fight about it. He told me he had just been going through the motions when I thought things were getting better. He still said that he wanted to try to get back to normal and make it work, but a week later we got into again about her, and he said that he’s sick of my controlling attitude and jealousy, and he left. Now I’m left picking up the pieces and I want him back so badly. We went to counseling where he told the counselor that he thinks the marriage can be saved, but he doesn’t want to save it right now. He still says he loves me but he took off his wedding ring and is trying to find an apartment. He keeps sending me mixed signals and I know that I’m not helping the situation. We’ve been separated for a week and a half and it’s been so hard. I keep asking for answers, and I know I’m getting on his nerves. I’m having a hard time pretending that I’m okay, but I want to try the last resort. I’m really hoping that he will come back to me and our son. I think he’s internalizing a lot of grief for his mother and he’s angry and unhappy with his life, but I just don’t want him to throw away our whole relationship over this. Our counselor told him that he shouldn’t make a big decision about our marriage only 3 months after his mom’s passing, but I think his logic is that he was unhappy before she died so why not. He also told me that he doesn’t want a divorce right away, so it gives me a little hope. I just feel like his words contradict themselves every time I talk to him. His whole family thinks he’s being an idiot, and so does mine. This experience is just so painful! How do I pretend like I’m not bothered??

    Reply

    1. Dear Shelby,
      thanks for your email.

      Your focus here needs to be on what you can control. Again this advice is for all my LRT family.
      Clearly from your email there has been a history of needs both yours and his not being met.

      Sadly men (often not always) will channel unhappiness into working harder to provide, which fuels further problems.

      Moving towns, cities and the like means you are only transplanting the problems. It relieves pressure temporarily as you come together with a joint project. Once the dust settles your issues come to light again.

      Stop discussing his issues with anyone except a choice few. Who really knows, and what can you do about his issues? Truthfully nothing, until he is ready to change.

      I am going on the fact you have found the LRT you are ready to change. A word of warning. You can’t “try” the LRT. Don’t bother. You have to LIVE the LRT. until you get to the point you want or the palce you want to be.

      It is painful, you will need to be sad, mad, hurt and grieve for some time. You just don’t do it around him or your kids. You go for a walk, have a shower and cry. You write to yourself, you find one same sex person who can support you and you grow from this.

      So you can’t pretend. You have to address the disappointment, the toll this has taken on your self esteem, the anxiety and control which has occurred as a result. Talking therapy will give you insight but not inner change.

      Ignore the third party, otherwise you will make them more attractive to your spouse. They become a tender place to about the issues with a ready listening ear. Are you providing that? So stop that this second as you are literally pushing them into the others arms. I know it sounds crazy but when you truly think about it you know and can see the sense it it, right?
      Work hard and you will see results.
      I do see a lot of good things from your email, so I want to inspire you to do more for you!
      With love and light,
      Philipa

      Reply

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