Last updated on July 10th, 2021 at 10:49 am
The Last Resort Technique from the book, The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis, adapted by Philipa Thornton.
When your partner has dropped the proverbial bombshell, “I want a divorce,” you need to move past the devastation into action after the shell shock is over. The Last Resort Technique has been developed by Divorce Busting amazon Michele Weiner-Davis to save your marriage, your sanity, or both.
If you are at the place where you have got nothing to lose, give it a go. If your friend is sharing their sadness and hopelessness with you and needs help with their marriage, please pass this relationship advice on.
The Last Resort Technique
OK, so you have tried everything, exhausted all your options, and feel hopeless and even helpless. Now it is time to use the Last Resort Technique to save your marriage. This relationship boot camp comes with a warning – this is a LAST RESORT.
This needs to start immediately if:
- Your spouse has said in no uncertain terms that they want a divorce and it feels like they mean it. (This can’t be empty words, spoken in anger during a fight.)
- You and your spouse are living apart.
- You and your spouse are in the same house but are like ships passing in the night with very little interaction. You may be in separate rooms, hardly speaking with little or no sexual contact.
- You have the divorce papers in front of you.
Your marriage is at a crisis point. While divorce rates are high, there are relationships that can still survive this vulnerable time and you don’t have to be another statistic. Those rates don’t tell the story of all the many people who beat the odds.
Hold onto the hope I give you here, please!
While no technique is guaranteed to work, there is always some benefit to taking positive action. It’s definitely worth a crack!
I have worked with many clients who were on the brink or in the trauma of an affair. Usually, only one partner is in favour of a divorce and the other spouse who made the call to me is the one who desperately wants to stay together.
If you happen to be the spouse who is keen on holding onto your marriage, it is highly probable that you are not in your usual state of mind and are acting in desperate ways. This very behaviour that you keep doing pushes your partner further away (you are aware of it, but can’t seem to help it!). You have chased, cajoled, reasoned, begged, pleaded, railed, guilt-tripped, and implored your partner to no avail.
All the phone calls, text messages, letters, emails, and heart and gut-wrenching pleas have failed. You sense that your spouse is out the door and a part of you recognises the attempts are felt by him or her as pressure. They will dig their heels in insisting that the marriage is over, and this may prompt another wave of fear and you to chase even more.
It is the effects of this pursuing and chasing that are DEADLY to a marriage.
Blind Freddy can see this is not working. In fact, if you keep pushing your husband or wife, you will be driving them right out the door. As I said, there is a part of you that knows this. But this fearful, scared, vulnerable part of you is making the wrong decisions and making you appear completely desperate and unwelcoming.
Of course, you need to honor the fragile part of you that is in pain and wants to cling on. It is human nature – we all want to hold onto something that is important and dear to us. However, the flip side to our humanity and animal instinct is, the party being chased or even hunted down will feel the need to escape when you coerce or pressure in response to feeling trapped.
If you are truly serious about saving your marriage, you have to stop pursuing. Now!
When you chase your partner, your partner will feel hunted and you become a point of danger on a primal level. What also happens is, the troubles in your failing marriage and eroding family get lost, as you become the vector for anger and hurt.
You see it – your spouse gets frustrated and angry, and the best way for them to deal with this annoyance is to get rid of it. This means their focus shifts to how they can get away from YOU! It is surprising but it is the reality, this will really connect with the part of you that can hear reason.
Indeed, your very persistence is robbing your spouse of valuable time to think about what else is really going on in your life.
People start to do an amazing reframe here and I often hear spouses wondering aloud with things like, “I am not sure I ever really loved him or her.” This is basically due to the suffocation the spouse feels. It becomes a survival issue and you are the danger they need to escape from.
When we are in survival mode, we will go into flight or fight mode. Usually, partners go into anger and aggressiveness (or worse, pity) towards their spouse as a distancing move and part of separating from the distressing situation. When this happens, the angry part blocks any other feelings, like sadness, grief, guilt, and remorse that might cause some reflection and actually help your cause.
With your mate staring angrily at you, what opportunity do they get to look in the mirror, reflect, and take some responsibility for your marital breakdown?
Option A – Keep doing what you are doing and get the same results.
Option B – Quit supplying you wife or husband with a reason to leave.
Oh if it were only that easy. I am asking you to stop doing the very thing that keeps the feeling of powerlessness and helplessness temporarily at bay. But you have to stop this harmful pattern today. I repeat – stop it now, right this very minute.
I am going to give you a specific guide how to stop the landslide of desolation in your marriage today.
Here is your action plan based on The Last Resort Technique:
1. STOP Chasing!
Immediately cease anything that your spouse might look at as pursuing behavior.
This means stopping anything that would be perceived by your spouse as your way of chasing him or her, such as:
- Frequent phone calls, texts, or emails
- Begging your spouse to reconsider
- Describing all the good in your marriage
- Writing letters
- Following your mate around the house (or anywhere – this is stalking!)
- Encouraging talk about the future
- Asking for reassurances
- Buying gifts or flowers
- Planning holidays or trips away together
- Trying to schedule dates together
- Spying on your spouse, keeping tabs on their calls, movements, and work arrangements
- Talking to friends and family about what to do
Stop saying “I love you.” This is essential.
It seems counterintuitive – “How will they know?” I get it, but even though this will be hard, know that every time you say “I love you,” your spouse is reminded that they don’t love you and will be looking the other way!
Scary huh? That is why it is imperative to silence the “I Love You’s”. You already feel how disheartening it is to hear their resigned response of “I know” or worse, still silence. Or the ouch that goes with “I love you, but I am not in love with you.” It hurts, doesn’t it? So, stop the chase.
2. Get a Life.
What happens in a crisis like separation is, we become desperate, clingy, and depressed. You are in tears often, mope around sadly, lose interest in things you used to enjoy, and basically become lifeless as the fearful or rejected part of you shuts you down as a means to cope. Of course, it is normal to feel all those feelings and shut down or want to ease the hurt.
The loss of a loved one and witnessing the falling apart of your family are the most painful times you can ever experience. The separation anxiety and desperation are an ugly place to be in for both of you and for others to see. You will feel and look unattractive – not one of us will be at our best here.
Now, if your relationship has had the trauma of a full blown sexual affair or emotional infidelity, you are competing with not only the fantasy of an ideal life without problems but a person that is in the opposite space of distressed.
Hard to hear, but reality hurts and I say this to the part of you who knows how to pick yourself up after a fall and dust yourself off. Awareness helps and heals.
Here you need to act as if you are moving forward in your life and getting on with it. Otherwise, you better quit now.
Of course, it may seem like I am suggesting an impossibility – get happy, be strong, get back into life, and develop your confidence. You are asking yourself, “How can I do this when I feel like crap, I can hardly function, it’s a miracle getting out of bed each day, and things are horrible at home?” Good question. Obviously, these are normal feelings and you are reacting as any normal person would in such devastating circumstances.
I want to ask you – Is that the core of you? The real you? Or the hurt, scared or angry part getting all the air time?
Because I believe that in the heart of you, your true essence, there is a trooper. That’s right! A part of you at the core can survive this – a part much stronger, mature, more confident, and wiser in dealing with tough situations.
Can I get you to take a moment to get in touch with that part of you right now?
Ask yourself (and you can even write this list down to remind yourself as you come home to yourself), “What was it about ME that my partner was attracted to in the first place?” Allow yourself to remember and really connect to those wonderful parts of yourself.
This is the person your partner fell in love with.
Each of those parts (for reference, please look up Official Resource Therapy Institute for a full description) on your list are valued by your partner but have been sidelined by the hurt and angry parts, whose job is to defend you from attack and the absolute hell you are going through now. Please allow those parts some more air time and a chat with the part of you that is angry, scared, and hurt to negotiate a better way forward.
You are in danger when acting in the victim role of getting typecast and truly become the martyr. Reclaim your life today by reconnecting with your whole self.
Starting Today:
- Immediately start doing things that are out of character to the way you have been acting lately. Move beyond helplessness into action and power.
- Allow your mood to be more upbeat in your spouse’s presence.
- Appear pleased with yourself and your own life.
- On phone conversations, sound content, even bubbly. Don’t sit around waiting for your spouse to call. Get out and do things. Start a new hobby – rock-climbing, tango dancing, needlepoint, ice-skating, and movies. Get busy.
- Start to be unpredictable. Let calls go to voicemail. If you’ve always tried to engage your partner in conversation when they call, visit, or go home, be scarce and short on words.
- Take up opportunities offered by your partner for family time, gracefully, with no expectation of any further.
- Be a great Co-parent no matter what, your kids didn’t choose this.
- If you were in the habit of being detective and grilling your spouse about their whereabouts, ask nothing. Simply wish your partner a good time.
In short, you need to make your partner think you have had an AWAKENING and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
This doesn’t mean you are nasty, angry, or even cold. Reread this point and lock it in Eddy!
It is simply a case of pulling back and waiting to see if your spouse notices and, more importantly, realises what they will be missing.
Be warm and friendly.
Remember this point: Backing off increases your chances of your spouse becoming more interested in you, if you ease off and start doing your own thing.
Noone likes being put under pressure and that’s most likely part of the old relationship pattern.
Another important reason for “getting a life” is, you have stopped having fun and doing things that give you pleasure. At times, we all need to be reminded to find out what makes us feel good in a healthy, respectful way. Find your joy!
Taking care of yourself is one of the best things you can do for yourself and your relationships. Focus on becoming a better person.
Go back to old interests, church, synagogue, or the library. Join a new class at the community college. Play an instrument or get lessons. Contact some old friends, pick up the phone, and connect. Visit a family member. Rise at dawn, go for a walk and watch the sunset. Read poetry, listen to music, play golf, go fishing, camping, do YOGA, go running, or star gazing. Join a meet-up group, go walking, cycling, get a massage, a haircut, find a personal trainer, and get therapy for support.
Do things that will help you get back in touch with yourself, not just because your spouse might like you more if you do (in fact people have a weird sixth sense when things are not genuine) but because it is important to honor, value, and love yourself in a caring healthy and nurturing manner.
You DESERVE it. I know you are worth it.
3. Wait and Watch
According to Michele Weiner-Davis, one of three things will happen when you use her Last Resort Technique:
First, Nothing.
Unfortunately, there are times when the universe just says no and, no matter what you do, your spouse has shut the door on your marriage. It needs to be said that there is no magic bullet. Sometimes, life is just really unfair and we don’t get the things we most want.
Despite not having been able to save your marriage, there will be a secondary gain from applying the Last Resort in your life – you will have recovered yourself and your emotional well-being.
At the very least, you will have gotten back your DIGNITY. Step 2 gives you a plan of action and the part that feels lost and out of control will benefit.
Your self-worth will be in a much better place, allowing you to feel more prepared to take on whatever comes your way. A good point to take on even though it is not easy to hear.
Michele also notes two other responses you might see in your spouse:
The second possible response from your mate is, they become curious.
They might start showing more interest in you, your whereabouts, and what you are doing in your life. Your husband or wife may even suggest that you spend more time together to talk or do something enjoyable. They may also start asking you a lot of questions about these sudden changes.
Listen up: Here’s Michele’s advice if any of these begin to happen:
- Be loving in return, but not overly excited or enthusiastic.
- Accept some invitations to spend time together, but not all.
- Accept all Family time invites. Your spouse seeing you having fun with your kids together reminds them of the value of family.
- Do not ask any questions about your future together.
- Be vague when asked questions about the changes in you. Say that you are just thinking things through. Live the shift.
- Continue to be upbeat.
- Do not say, “I love you.”
- Resist getting in the conversation about your relationship.
- Get a head start and beat your spouse to the punch when it comes time to leave or separate from each other at the end of an activity. You set the tone for going your separate ways.
- As a rule of thumb, be responsive to your partner’s interest but not too responsive. Going overboard will lead your partner to get cold feet. Be warned.
So, stay interested, but cool in a self-possessed manner, (not icy though, as that will send mixed messages) until you are absolutely convinced that your partner’s renewed interest in saving your marriage has taken hold.
If you are excited about this technique and it is working for you, share it with a friend or write it down, add your comments to the blog, but don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. Tell us here, we would love to hear from you.
Once you feel absolutely sure this is so, you can test the waters by becoming more obvious about your desire to stay together. Patience wins out.
Try discussing your future and see what happens.
If your partner is receptive, move forward slowly and begin to tackle the issues that drove you apart in the first place.
If on the flip side you are met with any resistance or reluctance, do a reverse and backpedal quick smart.
Go back to your interested but distant stance until things move forward in a more positive direction. This may take a whole lot longer than you would like – weeks or many months.
You must be patient. Wait until your spouse appears to be a little interested rather than pulling away – you will know when it’s real. While it is tough for the marriage (and you!) to be in this holding pattern, it’s ok. Trying to save your marriage is the most important thing that is happening in your life right now.
Be compassionate and hold onto yourself, even when the scared part of you wants you to act out or the excited part wants to whoop for joy.
The third possibility is probably the least likely, but these outcomes do on occasion happen: The overnight change of heart by your spouse.
They might lose all thoughts of divorce and jump right back into the relationship as if nothing has happened. While rare, this DOES happen.
Michele gives some great advice:
- Don’t move too quickly. I liken it to the Latin adage, festina lente, which means “to make haste slowly”.
- It is vital for you to pace yourself. If you act as if nothing happened between the two of you, then it is only a matter of time before your spouse will have second thoughts about his or her decision.
- You didn’t get into the place of relationship breakdown overnight. Much as you would like to forget that it ever happened, you won’t get back on track overnight.
- If you’re separated, don’t jump right back into being together.
- Once you have your partner’s attention and you sense a real commitment to working things out, you will need to take further steps toward making your marriage a healthier and happier place.
I would suggest The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis, where the Last Resort Technique has been adapted for this article. Truly great advice from couples expert Michele of www.divorcebusting.com.
Therapy helps you to heal both the wounds of the separation and the causes of what has lead up to it.
Find a marriage-friendly health professional to help coach you into the next level of intimacy. Couples Therapy can really fast-track healing and growth opportunities.
A word of caution about sex: Have it! We are only talking about sexual encounters that are initiated by your spouse. Enjoy the moment. With a sexual connection, our bonding hormones are released – oxytocin. Use it.
*Warning! Please do not read anything more into your intimate moment than a happy event. Do not go overboard or start laying down expectations about your partner. Keep doing the Last Resort.
Good luck and it’s not over till it’s over!
We welcome your comments and experiences. Please share here, you are not alone. I personally answer every comment received and there are over 1000 folks experiences on applying the Last Resort here on the Blog
Thank you! Philipa, yours in Service.
My husband left last September, refused to talk, see our child without even me present, she’s 17 so he said she’s fine without him. He is living with a girlfriend, had filed for divorce, I counter filed, he got upset as he just wanted me to let it go through, him not having to pay, etc..Had a temporary hearing in February, he’s been court ordered to provide, which upset him so he filed against me and our child, that we are not allowed to contact by any means him at all. We have never called him, nor wrote him, but he did that out of anger I believe (20 years I know his control issues of wanting to win regardless of what it is). I have moved onward, new job, new look, but he’ll never see it as we’ve only seen him 2 times in court, from a distance, and won’t see him but one more time when we get the final divorce. Is this where I finally realize it’s not ever going to be anything other than a divorce, as he obviously doesn’t care, not ever for his child and we have no connections so I should just concede it is done and move on to a future being single? I’ve already let go of the anger, but there is sadness, pain mixed in with everyday life. I guess I want a confirmation to either have complete faith regardless of how final it seems and/or completely let him and any chance go. Any suggestions would be welcomed, thanks!
Dear Natalie,
reading your email things are really down the track for your relationship.
When I read about a parent not providing for a child I am saddened. As parents we need to rise above our feelings of rejection and reconnect with our love for our babies. Regardless of age. When I read this line “he’s 17 so he said she’s fine without him” It’s clear there is confusion there and an inability to separate the ending of the marital relationship from the parental one which continues.
Yes my bias again. Which is for parents to be parents no matter their situation or emotional frustration with each other.
Yes I want you Natalie to have complete faith, in wait for it – YOU! Natalie get your self back be a loving role model of emotional health for your daughter. It sounds like Steps 2 and 3 are a priority.
Keep us posted, as loads of people are in a similar position.
All the best,
Philipa
My husband of almost 10 years asked for a divorce and is not interested in counsel or any reconciliation. We just had a daughter 3 months ago. When he asked for a divorce, things were heated I went to my parents for a few days to give him some space he asked for. I just returned and he said he’s more sure now than ever and is ready to talk splitting assets, selling the house, etc. he is moving very quickly. What do I do? He is being very nice and is saying he just wants to be friends, and He says if I care about him at all I will go along. What should I do?
Dear Louise,
oh my heart goes out to you! This shoudl be a time of celebration with the birth of your daughter. Well done and I hope you and baby are doing as well as can be. This needs to be your focus. Be in the delight of being a new mum.
Sadly it is not uncommon for major life events positive and negative – births, deaths, weddings and significant birthdays where relationships go off track.
Sure it would be good to take things slowly. I would say you are confused and need some time to work out how you are feeling – I am sure you can’t be clear headed too much stuff going on.
I would also respect his wishes. You cannot keep anyone from leaving. This can also be the catalyst to missing you and baby. The LAST Resort Technique is made for you and your situation.
Study the LRT and apply it. I get that this may be asking for a lot but really what is the alternative? Hoping and pleading and getting the same answer, not good for one’s dignity. So prioritize you first and then of course baby. Best of luck and keep us posted with your progress.
Love and light PHilipa
I have been married for just over 26 years, but separated for the last two. We have 3 beautiful children aged, 21,18,15. Who I love more that the world.
I was the one who left the family home just over 2 years ago when I was in a emotionally weak / depressed position. Honestly at the time I though it was the best decision for the family to get some breathing space and be happy. One year prior to leaving we had a major family argument where in the heat of the moment, angry words were said ( relating to losing the house, divorcing and calling my eldest daughter selfish), this was mainly due to financial pressures at the time for which I shown remorse and apologized a million times. I stayed in the family home for another year after this incident and tried to make things work, however I believed i was the only one trying.
Prior to this event, we hardly ever fought, however we did have different views on parenting / leadership styles and finances , where I would always be passive and give in. We would both bottle our emotions differently, I would withdrawal into depression and my own little world to cope and eventually explode in frustration. My wife would keep it in. There was never any physical violence, nor has there been any infidelity. The argument was probably the last straw for my wife. We currently live in separate homes. I have seen my children, 3 or 4 times during this time and am refused access to the family home. I still support my family financially with over 75% of my income. However I believe ,they don’t want anything to do with me. I have been trying to get my family back but get pushed away and ghosted. I have missed the last two Christmases and New year’s celebrations, birthdays and other events. I have always given my children and wife gifts for their birthdays, xmas, anniversaries and mother’s day. Recently my wife , children and her direct family just returned from a 9 day cruise. When she got back , I thanked her for giving the kids a great experience. Constantly I tell her what a great job she does raising the children by herself.
I believe that I am on the receiving end of LRT. The only communication I have with her, is if I initiate it. I feel that my wife and children are still holding on to a lot of resentment. It almost feels that they wanted me to leave two years ago so they . After reading the Last Resort technique, I believe that I am on the receiving end of LRT, where my wife and children have continued to live their life without a husband and father. My Wife has become extremely confident and almost cocky when I try to connect with her and I become putty in her hands. She is very good at hiding her emotions well and puts up this aloof , ice type persona.
If we both use LRT , where does it stop, and how can I be the one to save my marriage and be a family again. You suggest not to chase, ask for dates (which I haven’t for 8 months now – prior to this I only received rejection ) or talk frequently, but how can I connect with them again. I love my wife and children.
I have truly experienced separation, and I miss my children and wife and the life we built together. Should I swallow my pride ask for forgiveness and just continue to reach out.
I have been using a combination of LTR for the last 8 months, but it is difficult because we have children together and I ring my wife once every one to two weeks to see how the children are going, as they do not respond to my calls and sms’s. When I talk to her briefly she is somewhere between hot and cold.
Is still financially providing for them ( a promise I made to them) – more than is required viewed by a woman as attractive trait or am I being stupid. I don’t know if she wants a divorce or not, but I will do my best not to initiate one. There has been no talk of splitting assets or selling the house, as I believe it important for our children’s future. I know that I can go to our family home at any time , but do not because of respect. What do I say or do to create attraction, respect and trust while maintaining LRT and being patient. Will counselling with you be a better option.
Dear Ross,
I hear you and your family have been through a great deal and not much has been resolved. Sorry this is the case.
Reading here there sounds like some difficult communication. It is not easy being the separated parent and being on the outer. One may feel rejected even. Glad to hear you are living up to your word with supporting your children financially.
It is imperative you maintain your connection with your children. I wouldn’t know if you wife is doing the Last Resort. I am thinking with the amount of time apart it may not be the best option in your case.
As there is distance, I would set about building a good co-parenting relationship and from your email, you are doing this. Good job!
My sense is to get you to a family therapist to help you more specifically through this time.
Good luck,
PHilipa
I’ve been with my husband for 7 years. Today marks our 7 year anniversary. Throughout our time together he would always try contacting different women through social media and trying to get in bed with them. I’ve always forgiven him but a couple weeks ago I found out that he’d met someone and they had probably been dating for about a month or so. He said they didn’t have sex but it’s hard to believe him. We have no children and on the day I found out we had a full blown argument and I was feeling hopeless. He said he loves me but he’s not in love with me and he doesn’t know why he chases after women. He thinks it’s because we got together so young and he didn’t get to have life experiences being single and that he didn’t get to have sex with multiple women. I didn’t leave because of fear he would go be with the other woman and I just don’t want to be alone. I also want to make it work with him but he spends his days working and at night he’s at the music studio with his friends. I don’t even trust that’s where he is most of the time. I had to beg him to spend some time with me one night and we got drunk and had sex. Here I am again tonight and will be spending the night alone once more. I find it that I keep calling myself stupid for being the one to beg him to stay after I found out about his cheating. Now I want to know where he is all the time and who he is with and I still don’t believe him most of the time. I am so insecure because of this, most days I do not feel attractive and I just fear he’ll find someone better than me. I don’t have many friends and the one’s I have are hundreds of miles away and my family is in another country. I don’t work so I solely depend on him. I just feel my marriage going down the drain and I have so many fears. I want to do these steps but I just feel it’s going to drive him into the arms of someone else.
Dear Tiffany,
you poor thing you are in a desperate place. This relationship does not sound from your email a place of equals. It is tough being away from friends and family. I would like to encourage you to get work of some sort. Do you have access to your the household earnings?
Not sure what area you are in but I want you to google support groups for women in your area. We need to get you some care. We need to build up your self esteem. A healthy relationship does not have these difficulties.
There is also the need to protect yourself from infidelity in terms of seually transmitted diseases. These can be serious. You can’t ask him to care more for you than you do. Please value yourself. Start acting as if you are attractive and get your hair done or wear if in a new way. Put on your nice clothes and a bit of lipstick or mascara. Build your security up on the inside.
The LRT is perfect for you. Get to the library, meet people and find your value again!
With Love PHilipa
Hi.
My wife and I have been married for 17yrs and have a 13 yr old child.We married young and have been through some tough times over the years but all is good I thought.
I started a business hrs away from home and also live away from my family which is tough for all of us.We see each other for a couple of days each fortnight.She works and has developed a strong friendship with a girl that’s 10+years younger who had recently been engaged but left him for another guy which also happens to work at the same place.
I noticed my wife had been on social media/messenger till all hrs of the night which is ok but very out of character for her.this went on for a month or so before I asked her if everything was ok one day.She shrugged it off and said she couldn’t sleep.i noticed every night she was online till the early hrs.
I have always been kind of a jealous guy and a bit insecure from abandonment issues growing up I was in foster homes, we have had that issue for years as a married couple.
I decided to check her friends list online and noticed it was hidden which was also very out of character for my wife to do,my suspicions went wild and I had a gut feeling something wasn’t right.She had been spending a lot of time out of work with the friend she worked with which was fine but that’s when my wife’s attitude towards me changed and she started to really take care of herself changing hair,clothes ect and going out almost every night to concerts ect.
I had been on her friends list only a month before to contact one of her family members regarding a death in the family,I questioned her about it and she said it had been hidden for years?
Insecurities had me checking her friends-friend list and noticed my wife was following a guy and had liked all of his pics with no shirt on ect.
I questioned my wife about following “a” guy and she said knew straight away who I was talking about and said his name,he’s just a friend from work calm down nothings going on.Days went by and I decided to call her in the early hrs when she was online again to as who she was talking to at such a late hr.She didn’t answer my calls or texts till I said I know your online on you phone.She became furious at me and wouldn’t tell me at first who she was talking too it was none of my business.She eventually said it was her friend which was ok with me.
From the next morning I was blocked from all her social media, suspicions had me looking on Instagram and the same thing liked all of his almost naked pics and he’d liked her pics which were not normally pics she would post.I went into a panic and asked her about it and she said I was being over the top about it and she needed space because I was smothering her again which was totally out of character for her.
I begged to be let back on but to no evail.
I realised that I was loosing her and decided to sell th business and come home.To my shock she said no that’s a bad idea I want things to stay how they are now.I became instantly clingy and begging her but she refused to change things and started blaming me for our problems from years prior saying she needed space from me but that’s all she had since I started the business.
So I decided to focus on her more and give her more attention which I admit I didn’t for years as much as I should due to work commitments. She agreed to come up and see me without our child.We had dinner I asked about letting me back social media and her mood instantly changed to bad.We came home and the front light was out so I asked her to shine her phone on the lock so I could see.She had changed the pin lock on her phone again very out of character for her to do that,I asked about it and she said my friend from work seen my type it in one day and she’s the type to put something up on my social media she’s a joker.I became suspicious from then on and noticed more suss behaviour from her,taking the phone into the toilet with her and switching it off during the night.
A few weeks later in surprised her with concert tickets to try and reconnect with her,she was excited and everything was good.
I made the fatal mistake of taking her phone and cracking the pin taking a look.I was heartbroken to see explicit pics of the guy from work on there and pics of her in all new sexy lingerie with screenshots of their messages on social media of dirty talk that she had sent her friend and also messages between my wife,friend and her boyfriend talking about me in a bad ways.
My suspicions were right then I realised this guy was good friends with my wife’s friend and her boyfriend that was also working at the same place.Im shattered and as I’m looking on the phone my wife is messaging the guy from another device freaking out that I’ve seen everything.
I returned the phone and she was so angry that I betrayed her trust,I was disappointed in myself that I would stoop that low as well,but my wife wouldn’t agnolage the fact that she was having a affair with this guy,she said they were just friends having some fun!!!!! Whilst laughing about it. Everyone new about it apart from me even my wife’s parents and family.
We are still talking but she pretends nothing has happened and she has done nothing wrong!!! She blames me for everything in the past and as soon as I try and talk to her about the affair she switches off and gets angry.
She has me over a barrel I’m acting like a doormat because she knows I love her and will forgive her keeps saying give me space to decide wether I want to be with you or not…I ask her to end it and stay with me but she keeps saying idk I need time to think.She still demands money for the bills knowing I’ll give it to her.
She still messages me every morning and says I love you to me and calls each night after work but is more and more distant because I’m in clingy begging mode. she says we’ll get through this I just need time and space.I know she’s still seeing this guy because I get calls from my friends saying they saw her out with another guy.
Is our marriage over? I’m willing to fight for us but she just doesn’t seem to want to anymore.Ive lost all confidence in myself and can’t function in any way shape or form.
This technique is my last shot and I’m willing to change anything that she doesn’t like about me.
Is all hope lost.
Dear John,
thanks for your email.
You sound like you are in a pickle. I am glad you found us here for support. The LRT may give you your life back, and hopefully your marriage too into the bargain.
What really stood out for me in your email saw this :I have always been kind of a jealous guy and a bit insecure from abandonment issues growing up I was in foster homes, we have had that issue for years as a married couple.
I am so sorry you did not have an easy time as a child and I can see you have a good deal of insight into how this has affected you and your relationship. You were an innocent and did not get the support you needed. Today you have a responsibility to yourself to address this once and for all.
John most respectfully I believe if you work through these early challenges you will become the strong, secure and confident guy both you and your wife will like and most likely love.
Find a therapist who uses EMDR, Resource Therapy, EFT or Radical Exposure Therapy. Talking therapy alone will not serve to process insecure, jealous behaviours.
You can save this, I have given you a big task, I hope you are up for it.
Good luck and let us know your progress.
Best Wishes Philipa
Should I wait till the affair hopefully ends.I know her friend and the friends boyfriend are coaching her to leave me,they set my wife and the guy up. we never really had problems till they came along,now my wife is a completely different person.
Dear John,
yes that is a good idea. Work and focus on healing you. Channel your energy into caring and learning about you and your patterns of insecurity and distrust. Forget trying to analyse and find blame, that’s a no win situation. All you can do is be with you.
Take care!
I realise that I haven’t been there for her emotionally for so long it’s been about me and she said she sick of it and is putting herself first from now on. I don’t blame her.
She has lost weight and looks amazing everyone is telling her that, I say the same thing But she doesn’t care about what I say anymore.
I’m suicidal and can’t stop thinking about her…..
Dear John,
I do understand it is not easy and you would want to escape the pain. Suicide is not the answer and you need to call your emergency services or your local doctor. Google suicide prevention. I can’t handle this from a blog, but do empathise with your distress. Get help today, call someone and reach out to someone in your area for professional support.
Hang in there mate!
I so wish I would have seen this article a year ago! I’m facing our court date April 23. And of course I had been doing EVERYTHING that was explained as to what NOT to do. And I will vouch that it does exactly what the article states what will happen to your spouse. It pushes them further away.
Although as of today I literally have one month left, I’m going to continue to with the recommended method of showing my husband that I have “accepted” his decision, but continue to remind him why we have been together for 21 years.
The only other thing…. we still haven’t told our kids. And this is on him… I’ve brought it up many times. Asking him when we were going to tell them from the day he handed me the papers, April 28, 2017…yes a YEAR AGO!!! And he’s not willing to put it off to give our kids time to comprehend what is going on. We get along and everything.. there’s probably only 8 people who even know about us in our family and friends.. and it’s only one of his brothers and only my mom, step dad and my aunt… But he’s serious. We’ve already been to court.. we were sent home due to it being contested. (We’re representing ourselves. His idea)
Anyway… If anyone else has successfully pulled it off convincing your spouse at the end to call it off… I’d love to hear your thoughts. Like I said, we get along. I suppose I should mention that we had a rough few years and I did “check out” and I wasn’t faithful (1 time) which is why this is happening.
Thanks everyone
Dear Cheryl,
Thanks for your email. It is great for others to hear what it’s been like and how not doing the LAST Resort can be detrimental.
Phew there seems from reading your email so many things which remain both unresolved and secret. I would start to communicate from my heart. Get to a therapist to help you express things in an assertive manner.
This sounds like a pretend relationship, which is soul destroying as part of you knows it’s not real. Depressing to say the least.
The LRT is not about ‘convincing’ your spouse. At it’s heart it is living to your best ideals. Cheryl you truly will have to accept your partner’s right to this. Watch the shift we you do this inner change. I say thsi because people know authentic, and real. We all have good BS detectors. And as long as you “try” to accept, it is non-acceptance.
Good luck and find yourself. No excuses get yourself back to your good self again, with love,
Philipa
My husband of 11 years(we have known each other for 20), has said he wants out of our marriage. I too reacted in a desperate matter, and am now taking the LRT approach. He is still living in the house, on the first floor and i am on the second. Up until last week we were sharing the same bed, which was really terrible. He clung to one side, like i had the plague. I couldn’t take it and asked him to start sleeping downstairs. I am trying to keep myself busy with other interests to improve my state of mind. Also have taken up “mindfulness” to keep me less reactive, it seems to help when I take the time to meditate. My question is, my husband has been adamant about always kissing when we leave the house, even after his statement about ending our marriage. I find that odd. When he moves out there will be no more kisses unless something changes. So the past few days, i have not kissed him good bye. Sometimes he is not even in the same area as me, so i just head out to work. Is that wrong? I have not been telling him when i leave, I just leave. Am I pushing this distance thing too far? I find i am not sure what he would consider cold or just me stepping back. Looking for some advice.
Thanks
Dear LC,
You appear to be doing a good job of the LRT.
He has to come to you, if he wants to kiss you then isn’t it his responsibility?
So to answer your question no, you are not pushing this distance thing to far. You have heard the saying absence makes the heart grow fonder. Here we are creating space for him to miss you and the good times you had.
Your focus has to be on you, not what he may or may not do in response, be clear in this. Good you are doing some life serving practices, I would also join a meditation group if you can find one. Get your interests back and life your best life regardless!
Good luck xx
Philipa
In 2009 My husband had not had a day off since our wedding day in 1982. most were 12 and 16 hour days the 16 were worked on holidays and sundays to allow the major number of people to have off. We tried for decades to het him to use personal time to replace holidays and take his personal time from the end of the shutdown to valentines day when nearly nobody in his plant wanted time off in mid winter. From 1985 when he came home from the navy
There were hundreds of promises made that I had to break about time off and a sex life. Just to gain his cooperation and not disrupt lives with his seniority and many of the fights over these promises where terrible. Starting in 2001 he started hurting people that interfered with what he wanted including me In 2009 I interfered once to often when his father and I canceled our berth on the orient express and I took a single to let a man with32 years less seniority his 4 month pregnant bride. Over that he threw me across a conference room and tried to murder his father when we told him we knew it was not fair but he had to understand life was not really fair. he proved it dislocating my shoulder. then landed on his father strangling him to death yelling he was done taking what was his by right. I don’t think I have stopped crying since when he had me as his father arrested and jailed when we returned even though we had arranged a vacation to replace the express on st criox starting the 2nd of January 2010.
Because he had not had time off or his way since 1982 he became so depressed that his immune system failed and he developed a MRSA abscess around the L4L5 in his spine and ended up in rehab after a spinal fusion the next three years. When he came home in 2013 walking with a cane he had also had anger issues to work out in a stress center over the time we had kept him from what he wanted. The evening they sent him home I had been invited to a dinner by his father as company for his divorced best friend.
When he came through the door that evening from the center I had just finished getting ready to go, and he’s standing in front of me saying good I was ready to go out where were we going. I was already crying telling him I had another thing to go to . I had promised his father. anfd he yelling at me did I think he cared about any promise made his father because he did not, I had hundreds that I broke. to him starting with our wedding that before I kept any to any one else I was going to keep all that I broke to him first.
I told him many of those promises were made to gain his cooperation and I was sorry but things just got away from me about the amount of time that had gone by, I always intended to let our life start but felt in the community it had to be in a way that nobody was hurt doing it.
I offered a 100 and begged him to pick a place to meet us in four hours so we could start working on a way for his return to not be disruptive to any one. He told me he did not care about that either from that second on under his roof he came first, that he was the final and only judge and arbiter of what where and how things happened, That unless I was on his arm that evening I was not going any where.
I took off for the door in terror knowing he was angry beyond reason, I was hoping to get to the next door to get him taken back to the stress center until we could negotiate a way home in peace. He shredded my dress I was pleading things did not have to be this way as he advanced on me. He said, yes they did he was taking his life back. After he had his way with me that evening he continued and hurt his fathers friend badly when he tried getting into the house by shoving my husband. Then he threatened his father with doing the same to him if he did not get out of his face.
since that evening I don’t try and interfere with his wants I just wish he would try and listen to why people want him to just do things a different way when they shove he eliminates the person that shoved.
Dear Cally,
there are definite concerns and issues you have in your relationship.
You guys need professional help beyond what I can offer in the blog.
Either you or your partner need to get support. I read you are both hurt and are acting out on this hurt in unhelpful and possibly dangerous ways. You have alleged your husband tried to murder his father on a public forum. It appears you are closer to his father than your husband Cally, I wonder if you are aware of this dynamic and it’s impact.
Cally get professional help today.
Good luck,
Philipa
Yes I have a question. Me and my wife have been together since I was 16 we got married for years ago I’m 24 now but last week we separated staying she wasn’t happy. And the relationship was toxic. She is already acting as if she has forgotten everything that she’s over me. We talk but she acts distant and cold we text and she answers with one word reply’s. I’ve been staying somewhere else. My kids ask me when I’m coming home. I don’t know what to do I know she still loves me and cares for me and hopefully misses me. What do I do we were together for so long I feel we are meant to be together and I’ll do anything to be back with the only 3 people I love and cherish I’ve done a lot of self reevaluating and I know I have changed in the week but she hasn’t changed how she act towards me or interacts. I’m so scared and broken and full of pain what can I do? Like we have plans for me to come over and cook and watch a movie together with the kids and we took our daughter to her dance class together it was a lot of laughing and smiling.
Dear Kaleb,
reading your email, I get a sense of your fear and heartache. Thanks for sharing this with us. You are not alone.
This is a significant relationship and you have a children together so it is vital you grow.
Wow you were both teenagers when you met. I bet you look back on your younger self now and can see how you have changed.
It is totally ok to say to the children ” I don’t know, but when we know more we will let you know” This is an unsettling time for your kids. The main message they need from you is love and reassurance. Give that to them and keep up those plans for being together to cook an watch movies and share loving moments together with your children. This is super important.
This can give your wife the opportunity to see how good your family life is and is heartwarming to any parent. Let her lead when these outings and invites occur. Take all you can.
One week of reevaluation is a good start, but it sounds like things have not been ideal for a long time. Change takes time for others to see. So work out what behaviors you need to change and do the opposite. Get your emotional self in good shape. This will make you more attractive. Go full steam ahead with the LRT. Keep up the good work!
All the best,
Philipa
Thank you just hearing from you is a blessing. I’m glad someone else cares about me. Tonight she gave me a ride home and she told me I was just a chapter in her life that she loves me but she’s not in love with me is there anyway I can change this outcome because it’s spiraling down the wrong path that I’m terrified of.
Dear Kaleb, you are so welcome!
I and every one on here has your back and is caring for your progress.
Yes you have to choose to take your wife’s comments like this NOT personally. She is obviously in some turmoil and attempting to explain things to herself. Right or whatever it is her right to say where she is at. As a healthy courageous person we can hear this without anger or defense. These opportunities actually offer you a chance at empathising and a deeper connection. Give it a go, notice when you change your response what happens, stay curious.
This is advice for all husbands and wives out there. What if you really heard your partners distress and complaints with openness and safety?
Make this your choice today, people and see a new world unfold.
Best Wishes,
Philipa
Thank you once again if you think I have a shot I’ll never give up that goes without saying. I’m deeply devoted and I just want everything to work out. I just hope she changes her mind and we slowly build our relationship back and better than ever.
Dear Kaleb,
Carpe Diem – Latin for seize the day.
You have to have hope and live your life. And another Latin quote Festina Lente – which translates as hasten slowly. You have the right idea. Keep up the good work and share your experiences here for support.
Best Wishes,
Philipa
Thank you so much for everything so far I hate everyone up here is struggling just like me. But as far as an update goes we both took the kids to the doctor today together. More smiling and laughing but her responses were kind of short and no real texting back from her except more one word responses but I did get to bring up what I wanted to do for her birthday and she just said she had to work. On another note I still get to cook for them Friday and I’m gonna try to make it the best evening me and her has ever shared with the children and hopefully get good feedback from that. I know I’m trying to make myself look more attractive for her so I work out before and after work and all day when I’m not working.
Dear Kaleb,
yes you have to focus on being positive and upbeat. Totally forget about reading her, interpreting her behaviour. There is no point analyzing what you really can’t control.
I really like how you are going with the positive and enjoying your family time, good job!
Cheers,
Philipa
I would love my husband back but my parents come in between us. I know he is sitting there waiting on me. I know I changed my number so I could try to get over him, but the truth is I love him and he loves me and will forgive me no matter what.
Dear Bette,
it sounds from your email your love will need to be greater than the distress around his parents. Get past this and what sort of relationship do you want? This one? Then get past the in-laws stuff on your own.
After this, it may be some relationship therapy could get your to the next level of partnership development.
Best Wishes
Philipa
My wife of 9.5 years announced to me on Feb 20th that she is no longer in love with me. I found out 10 days later that she is having an affair with a co-worker( a married Father of 4), while she and I have 2 kids aged 5 and 7.
We are trying some counseling but she has no interest in fixing the marriage, and wants to approach couselling as an aid in figuring out how to co-parent together in a separation. I see counselling as a means to get to the bottom of our issues. She states the affair is irrelevant as it is about me and how I have treated her all these years. But in all of these years I didn’t know she felt i treated her so badly, we have some communication issues, and disagree on many little things – but I never knew our marriage was in jeopardy at all. First time I knew was in February. Odd things to add but 2 days before she tells me she is not in love with me anymore – she is flashing her boobs at me as I left for work – made my day – hardly a girl planing the end.
After I found out about the affair she has taken her rings off, and says she loves him.
The LRT is tough for me I am gutted for my life and my kids lives, and the fact I am madly in love with my wife makes me feel like trash tossed out with no warning.
Help ! Counselling has us heading down separation path, I am desperate that she wake up and realize our life was pretty good and the bad was all workable.
Best Regards,
H.N.
Dear H. N,
Wow Feb 20 was not a good day for you. So sorry this crisis has happened in your marriage.
I am going to put my dollars worth in here for you and I hope you can give them a decent inside review.
In order for changes to this picture you are going to accept different viewpoints, both yours and hers.
Being cooperative as parents (regardless of the relationship situation) and using your counseling sessions for this is extremely useful. As parents we all want the best for our children, this shows your wife you are willing to work with her. You will go up in value as a parenting partner, this is a good thing and reminds her of why she chose you originally.
This may be a surprise to many but in my years of experience affairs are rarely the cause of the relationship breakdown. I see infidelity as a symptom of the distress in couple connection. It is the alarm bell we need see and respond to. Logically the years you spent together have both highs and lows, it is not about the third party. Forget about this person, see past this.
H.N you need to see this as a chance for growth, as a person and husband. This is where the LAST Resort comes in. Deal with this desperation and esteem blows with courage and you will wake up to a better life and new possibilities. This is the sort of focus we are talking about in the LRT.
Wishing you all the best,
Philipa
Philipa,
I gained such hope reading your article from this book. I’ll be reading it. I’ve been married to the first and only love since I was 19 and a few months would have made 15 years. We met in the military and if you connect the dots the first 6 years we didn’t see each other more than 1 year in total from deployments and such. I thought he was this driven person and I get glimpses of that sometimes so I know its still there.
He got kicked out of the last deployment 6 years ago due to alcohol consumption in country. Anyway I believe (no diagnoses) that he has PTSD. He also self medicated from that failure with alcohol, pot, and an affair. That’s complicated. I tried to do some training, took a year, but failed. 1/2 through training is when he got kicked out of the deployment. He was lonely and sad so he took comfort where he could when I had to train on a different island. (Hawaii btw) I understood and forgave him but he has never been as open with e-mails/phones that I needed at the time to truly think he would never stray again. I don’t believe that he cheated on me from then until now…well maybe but no way to know so doesn’t matter (I’ve been tested and I’m clean).
So 4 years ago, after a demeaning required alcohol rehab program dictated by the military (don’t they know it doesn’t work unless the person knows they have a problem and wants to fix it?), he was going to get a promotion. Pissed out during the promotion training. Train wreck! Total reversal of him getting better! The military hadn’t done anything with his case for a criminal 4 years (3 months ago finally resolved). Limbo 10x for both of us, we wanted to move. For 3 years he didn’t work and the last year has just been enough to pretty much support his habit and nothing else and all his savings are gone from the deployments.
Last Feb I took over the mortgage payments, but when the pressure relief didn’t work I had had enough. I finally moved out in october (hoping this would be ‘rock bottom’ and he would get clean’)…oh to be clear I couldn’t stand the coldness, emotional (no physical) abuse, manipulation (not controlling there’s a difference), breaking things, and falling down drunk and hurting himself and others. I identified with the lady who said there was no emotional building outside the bedroom so that’s why she didn’t want to have sex. I couldn’t label it before, so thank you.
I hope this doesn’t sound strange but I unconditionally love my husband and want him to get clean. He really is pretty cool. Thankfully he’s mostly a fun, but pushy, drunk but I feel like when he’s drunk-95% of the time-he’s not himself. I don’t love my drunk husband. He doesn’t see the difference here. He wants me to love all of him or I get nothing. I wouldn’t and won’t allow myself to stay if he continues though. Its a hard limit. He says he doesn’t want to drink as much and I don’t have a problem with alcohol in itself (I don’t need it) but in him he’s an addict and I believe he can’t have his cake and eat it too, if that makes sense. I identify with the lady who said her husband hides the bottles (but at least he works).
Anyway, he begged and got angry, wanted me back for the last 5 months. I was calm and cool (trying to protect my emotions-I should’ve been more warm not that it would’ve changed anything). We went to counseling, he’s good too but my spouse doesn’t seem to be putting in any energy into it. Going through the motions.
So 2 weeks ago I said I don’t want to do this anymore, nothing is changing, we should move on, I want to break up and move. 1 week later I asked him to take stuff with a previously scheduled trip to make transport easier later. He took this hard, he didn’t tell me until just 2 days ago. He took it so hard that 1 week ago he starting looking for other women. 4 days ago I caught him cheating (he said its the first time and I believed him cause of other things he said). I’ve been reeling. He went out with quote, ‘2 russian chicks’ to a late night ‘swim’ at the beach during family game night. Again I just happened on your article today. We had already talked 2 days ago about my wanting to ‘just work on our friendship, not that future is shut, I’ll always love you unconditionally, but you know lets revisit later?’
So this is the crux. He was upset with the move, he now admits (which i knew he would cause we’ve wanted to move for years and discussed pros and cons) that it would be better for our son (i threw in us too) to move cause there’s more opportunities and wouldn’t be the minority. He also said he just wants space and time to grow and I should too. I had already gotten there (I’m proud to say before your article). Also he said we could reacquaint when he moves back. Yay hope, he wants to move back later and be at least a co-parent. I was feeling so guilty at the thought of breaking them up.
I lied this is the crux, I’m deadly worried that he will continue having sex with others, meet someone he falls in love with, and stays in Hawaii. How can you work on yourself anyway when a ton of energy is going into this activity????!!!-answer you can’t! I don’t care so much if he’s playing the field-we can get help for that later if there is a later-but love binds you this I know. We’re going ahead with the divorce. Doesn’t mean you can’t get back together right? RIGHT?:( Maybe I’m worried too much. Our son is #1 for him so that would probably stop him from staying but a women might come with him-that would hurt too. I would like to have sex with him for the bonding, I want him to feel close to me, but even if he wants to I now worry about STDS and even if he gets tested doesn’t mean anything unless he agrees to stop.
So how can I bond with him during this time to make him remember me and subconciously not fall in love with someone else, and come back to me? Am I okay with cheating? NO. How do I tell him to have fun when I know what the fun entails? But he’s worth at least trying to overcome this…or at least he was.
Maybe he is lying about moving, he is a type of person who takes pains to prevent hurting someone else…except me it seems. Telling him to say no backfired big time. All I ever was trying to do was get him to stop the drugs so we could work on all the hurt we’ve put each other through and make our lives happy again. For a long time I’ve hated the word hope. But the bleeper just won’t die! My counselor says I’m not clingy or desparate…though I’ve done the stalker bit so he can’t run away from the conversation (well no more of course).
So your thoughts would be Extremely welcome! I’m going to have to fake being happy with his activities around him, but I’ll do the other stuff with glee even ignoring the future. Shoots even I’m sick of hearing myself discuss it! Gonna work on myself-I’m ready. I’m really not interested in wasting my energy with an affair anyway-me building time. If it fails I’ll at least be so darn attractive that no one would say no to me, and I won’t make the same mistakes (lazy, stubborn, needy, unsupportive, uncommunicative, boring, cold, bottling emotions, immature, accepting less than I deserve). I’ll be a great catch and love whomever so deeply and richly and expect it in return that we’ll be very happy…I just hope he can grow too and the whomever is him.
Sorry…is this a novel or a comment? (abashed grin)
Sincerely,
Laura
p.s. should we continue to go to couples counseling? He’s willing to just work on our feelings towards each other. Maybe it would help us get past some hurts and be better friends. If all else fails I don’t want to lose him as a friend, he really is a great guy at heart-just addicted and confused.
Dear Laura,
thanks for your email, novel. Cute, you obviously have had a lot going on!)
Yes I think stay in the counseling for this very reason, it will help you build for the next step in your relationship.
It is heartbreaking watching someone you love in denial about their issues causing pain and suffering mostly to themselves and us as a fall out. Very sad, however we are not responsible for them or their choices. Besides we would get them to choose health and dealing with things head on right?
I totally believe in love unconditionally for our children. I think it is a great ideal for our adult relationships too. Yet love must have limits. When we are part of the vicious cycle we have to take responsibility for what is necessary and acceptable. Take a stand for you and your relationship. This type of cycle is abusive and it is vital you step out of this for your sons sake.
I have worked with too many adults who grew up with the uncertainty of a parents alcoholism and sever mood and behavior changes. This is a child protection issue. We have to set limits and require more of ourselves and our partners. Have faith! I honestly believe people will step up if given the opportunity. You have to back yourself here totally. Work on you, your needs and repair your self esteem.
This means keeping your self safe from STD’s, his alcohol use and other poor behavior. I am sure he is a good guy but these parts are not getting past the addictive parts – booze, sexual acting out. Of course no one is ok with cheating, fair enough. You will have to decide your limits on this.
I can hear you are strong and glad you have found a way forward. Sounds like this is a long game Laura.
Be kind to you and grow you!
Best Wishes,
Philipa
As I continue to use LRT, I am wondering how to handle a potential situation. My husband is still living in the house, I am not sure when or even if he plans to move out. But if he does, how do I approach that announcement, ” I have found a place and am leaving”? I have read other posts, were the separation was the best thing that happened, but i am fearful that out of sight is out of mind. We are only exchanging occasional words and interaction, but it has only been 2 weeks of implementing the LRT. What would be the right way to use LRT if he decides to leave?
Thanks for your input.
At this moment, my husband does not want to be with me. I was suspecting an affair. I know he knows the woman, but I do not know if it has gotten anything past talking. I reacted in a very negatively and I insulted him. He is extremely angry with me. He does not want anything to do with me. He says I smother him, and at this time, he wants to leave the house. He says he wants to be himself and that I do not allow him to be himself. He says he will leave the house as soon as he has enough money to get his own place. I know the other woman is advising him and she seems more appealing than me. I am sure he listens to her, and he says they are only friends. I had started not begging, but I regressed and yesterday I did it again. Again, he told me that he at this moment felt nothing and thought nothing of me. I had asked him to give me one more chance, he said no, that I asked too much. I am starting today again Day one with the intention of following the steps. However, our anniversary is approaching in two weeks. Should I give him anything to show him I love him, should I ignore the date, or should I just simply say, happy anniversary. I do not know what to do.
Dear Amy,
I am going to be straight with you here, with the greatest respect and love for you. Honey you are pushing him out the door faster than any affair could reading your letter.
Here I refer to your behaviour
“reacted in a very negatively and I insulted him. He is extremely angry with me… He says I smother him, and at this time, he wants to leave the house. He says he wants to be himself and that I do not allow him to be himself. ”
Honestly would you want to be with you and the above behaviors? Hopefully not, the good thing is we can change our behaviour and regain lost ground with kindness and generosity.
Amy. you have to stop any of those questions for one whole week, to see the difference. Questions when we are anxious and feel insecure can come across as attacks and accusations. Those things are not part of a healthy relationship.
I get you are in fear and worrying about him leaving you. However your fearful reactions are not helping this.
You might have to let this anniversary slide for this year. Only respond if he does.
Good luck and let us know how the experiment goes. I am curious to see what happens.
Best Wishes,
Philipa
Hi..I left a comment when I first found this site June 24th.
It has really helped!
Thank you so much for saving my marriage.
Thanks Alice!
Update: The announcement came, my husband is moving out end of next week. I am not sure I handled my reaction correctly. First he emailed me to tell me, which I felt was very dis-respectful so I told him I would have appreciated him telling me in person. Not sure that was the correct approach, but can’t take it back now. I got a bit emotional but no begging or pleading, Then I asked him were he was moving and he told me. Also that he only signed a 6 month lease. I was surprised at that. During one of our arguments I had suggested separation and he was dead against that. So I am not sure if he is telling me the truth or if that was a way to make the news more palatable for me in his head. I asked him why he signed a short lease since he did not want to before he said, maybe we just need time apart. That still gives me hope. But I won’t hang on it.
We have no kids, so nothing to really keep us in some type of communication even when he leaves So how can I at least remind him I still exist during this separation?
Thanks again for your advice.
Dear LC,
sad news. So sorry to hear this, its not an easy time.
And I am reading you get your response may not have helped. The question you need to consider is this what was it in your relationship communication style that may have contributed to the text message as opposed to delivering the message in person. Sometimes when there been a lot of fighting they tend to avoid directness. The reason I say this is we can only control our response and action.
What if you had come from the sad emotional part and not the angry part?
Remember in the LRT we don’t ask questions too much that start with Why… It will come across as pursuit, not what you want.
As for you having to remind him you exist, the truth is you don’t have to. Know you and the years you have spent together do not disappear. The time apart and space give him an opportunity to reflect on the good times we hope. You have heard the truism – absence makes the heart grow fonder?
This will give you time to deal with the insecurity you feel and learn how to handle this ways that support you and your relationship goals.
Let him make the moves only from now on.
Read the LRT and make it your every day practice.Best Wishes
PHilipa
Whelp I kind have goofed. Last night I called her her or FaceTimed and the girl that wanted us to break up was in the house making cookies with my children. My wife was smiling the entire time and since they use to be a couple I instantly went to that point. And I kinda reverted to like it’s been a week so this is how things are now? And she’s upset with me now asking what do I think I’m owed and what kind of respect do I deserve but she says it wasn’t like that. She still wants me to come cook tomorrow night I just need to know if it’s too late to fix this huge wrong doing.
Dear Kaleb,
are you aware of where you ‘kind’ of goofed?
This is why we let them approach us, we don’t Facetime them, we let them come to us.
Yes cooking and coming with a good apology can really repair things quickly.
All is not lost, just a hiccup. Refresh on the LRT.
Cheers Philipa
Yes ma’am I goofed when I face timed the children and she was standing right behind them baking cookies. And since she is my wife’s ex I kind of t Ok it the wrong way and got upset. I’m trying to do better but everyday I’m starting to feel like she’s pulling away from me and I’m losing my chance and I’m scared.
Dear Kaleb,
it’s fabulous you are remaining connected with your children. My only suggestion would be to negotiate with your co-parent when to make these calls, so everyone is prepared.
Let go of the fear and go with the good stuff.
Best Wishes,
Philipa
Update did the movie knight and dinner with her and the children. Accidentally started a few arguments don’t know how prolly was my tone. Either way it ended decent and she slipped up and called me babe but she still says we are bad for each other that we are never getting back together so I’m going to keep trying
Hi Kaleb,
You want to avoid arguments, as it leads to comments such as your partner’s there. It is great you are recognising how tone can push people’s buttons. Warm friendly tone is the best.
Take it as easy as you can!
Cheers PHilipa
My husband left very unexpectedly in December. He filed for divorce in February. He says he is in a very dark place. Our divorce will be final next week. I am so heartbroken because I thought we were very happy together. I have done many of the things listed above that should not be done. Including begging, questioning, asking if there is someone else and asking a lot of why related questions.
I love him. He has done some wrong things throughout this and my family says to let him go and move on.
After reading the article today, I texted him and told him I felt that I had most likely driven him away with my communication style and that I was going to give him space.
Is reconciliation rare at this point?
I would love for a miracle to happen, but most people are telling me to just move on.
Thank you for any help you may offer,
Lisa
Dear Lisa,
thanks for your letter. Sounds like you were caught unawares with your partner’s distress and sudden change. This can be disconcerting and a shock, so be easy on yourself and how you have reacted. this goes to anyone reading this.
The LRT gives you the opportunity to learn and reflect. Plus it offers you a road map forward regardless of the outcome. Of course you want to have hope. I say have hope but plan for you today. I believe in miracles. It is a case of keep calm and carry on.
The LRT is not a ploy or a pretense, you have to live it. Give it your best. I bet you will flourish especially with step 2. Let us know your gains.
Lots of love Philipa
Yes ma’am I goofed when I face timed the children and she was standing right behind them baking cookies. And since she is my wife’s ex I kind of t Ok it the wrong way and got upset. I’m trying to do better but everyday I’m starting to feel like she’s pulling away from me and I’m losing my chance and I’m scared.
Update did the movie knight and dinner with her and the children. Accidentally started a few arguments don’t know how prolly was my tone. Either way it ended decent and she slipped up and called me babe but she still says we are bad for each other that we are never getting back together so I’m going to keep trying Since then we have been arguing off and on. Idk what to do and I think she’s messing with another person I don’t know how to deal with a situation like this or what I could possibly do to bring her back to me
No worries Kaleb, give yourself a break and learn,
Take Care,
PHilipa
Our relationship became official February 2017, 4 months after we met. He lived in the state next to me and would visit every 2 weeks for 3 days. He proposed on June 8 (was teary-eyed as he proposed) and immediately brought me to his city to stay at his house. It was understood I would be the only one to stay at his house while he stays at his elder brother’s house with his parents and elder sister. The formal wedding was supposed to be in December as he was still saving for it. But his mother insisted he stay in the house with me so we ended up living together.
After 3 weeks, my parents, through me, convinced him to have at least a civil wedding as we were “living in sin”. He readily agreed. We got married in a civil ceremony on June 30. Everything seemed ok.
Then on the night of July 1, after our usual dinner at his parents’, he suddenly turned cold. Each night, he would pass by his parents and come home to me colder and distant. Finally, on the night of July 4, he told me he was confused, we were not good for each other, he is happier being alone, he cannot be in a relationship and needed space and time to think and slept in the guest room. Two days after, he booked me on a flight back home to my parents. He took me to the airport on July 6. He was crying, unshaven and unkept, saying he was depressed and unhappy, messed up big time, etc.
He took away my engagement and wedding rings which I kept inside our drawer.
He never initiated any contact after that. I came to his city last Dec 27 to talk with him. He said the marriage was a mistake, I was not the woman he was looking for. The reason for his overnight change on July 1 was because I joked to his sister -in-law (his brother’s wife) that he seems not to know how to throw the garbage as he makes me do it. His sister-in-law told it to her husband who castigated him in front of their parents. This was before I arrived at the house for dinner. He deeply resented me for making such a remark to his sister-in-law. “Do you think I am dumb? That I don’t know how to throw the garbage?”
This anger and resentment against me deepened each month we were apart. Whereas on July 6, he was sad and confused, last December 27 he was angry and full of hate – for reasons I do not understand.
He is the youngest of 3 siblings. Like me, he has never been in a relationship. He also has never had any feelings for any woman before me. We were both 36. He has only 3 close friends 2 of whom are all single. He worked the graveyard shift for 8 years before we met and changed to day shift only when I advised him to do so. He shared a room with his parents because he was on graveyard shift. His elder brother is divorced because his wife cheated on him and his elder sister is divorced after 8 months of marriage because of domestic violence. I was informed by his sister-in-law that he was afraid of marriage because he saw his brother’s depression after the divorce.
He went back to graveyard shift last October 2017 and was working 15-16 hrs to pay for his house (the house he often told me was mine). His parents and elder sister moved in with him when he kicked me out of our house.
Days before our civil wedding, he asked me if it was ok if his parents live with us in our house when I am away for hospital residency which would be 3 years and I consented readily.
Since the day we met and until our civil wedding, he has always been affectionate, kind and loving to me. The morning after our wedding, he was still wearing his wedding ring and still insisted the house was mine. The morning of July 2, he was no longer wearing his wedding ring. Two days before our civil wedding, he even gave me an advanced birthday gift for August – a smartphone I loved so much. Two nights before, while in bed together with the lights out and being very relaxed, our conversations were personal and tender. In fact, I never remember him looking at me with a frown from the day we first knew each other till that night of July 1. We had disagreements but never nasty fights.
The sister-in-law had made known that in a year’s time, his parents and sister would be out of his brother’s house and stay in his house instead as he was single then. Him kicking me out of the house made their moving in earlier.
On December 27, he asked for my address where he could send the divorce papers. It’s been more than 3 months and he hasn’t filed yet.
Dear Aurora,
Wow so much happened so quickly. How could you possibly know each other in such a short time, I wonder?
This must be disappointing I would imagine, it being your first big relationship and things taking these sort of turns.
I think it pays to date for several months as it gives you the opportunity to see a person over time. We all put our best foot forward and then we relax and we can see other parts and learn to like or not as the case may be. I hope you get some live support where you are. From your email it seems your husband was sensitive and not able to communicate well. You also may have to review your communication style for the future.
Wishing you all the best.
Philipa
Hi Philipa,
Thank you for taking the time to reply. But I would just like to be clarified on what you mean by I may also have to review my communication style for the future. Does it refer to any communications with my husband? You see, he refuses any form of communication at all, saying he is done. Is there still hope for this marriage? Again, thank you and my warmest regards.
Dear Aurora,
My pleasure to respond to you. To clarify, I am suggesting you reflect on your past interactions with your partner. Say if I am coupled with a person who withdrew in response to pain, and this was a trigger for me I may want to pursue them. I need to interrupt my past behavior for new growth and opportunity. Think about the patterns in your relationship communication style. See the blog for hope as Jetty has found things have turned around as a result of using the LRT to hold back and having a good look into their part. It is inspiring.
Where there is life their is hope,
take care sweetie,
Best Wishes Philipa
I have seperated from my husband of 14 years and taken our 2 minor children with me. It have been 2 months and I am looking into filing for divorce. He has asked me to meet with him in a marriage counseling session, will meeting with him affect my ability to move forward in filing?
Dear Lendie,
I am not sure of your circumstances but you have your reasons.
My vote is to attend the counselling as you have young children together and need to arrange for their ongoing care. I am not sure of the legal implications, you would to discuss this with your solicitor.
All the best,
Regards Philipa
Need help
Dear Doulat,
please read our wonderful folk, who have used the Last Resort technique let it be an inspiration and a way forward from the hardship you are in.
Take care and all the best,
Philipa
I am severely heartbroken. Now my husband is saying he’s not sure if he wants to be with me anymore. He’s saying things like he doesn’t deserve me and that he doesn’t feel like he’s good enough for me and he can’t be with me uncertain if there’s any chance of hurting me again. I am so lost. He broke it off with the woman and I want to forgive him but now he’s not sure he even wants to be with me. He’s all I’ve known for 7 years and it’s breaking me more than anything. I told him we can work through this but it seems he just wants to give up on everything. I cannot believe this is happening to me
Oh poor you Tiffany. I am sorry you are in a great deal of pain.
His behaviour is suggesting to me he is low in self esteem and addled with guilt. You will have to let him approach you to repair this or not. The LRT will at least give you a guide through your heartbreak. Please read Steve’s advice and good news story for encouragement in this dark time.
Sending you my love and support,
Philipa
My husband moved out four months ago.he said he needed time to think things through.He would visit and we would be intimate but now he wants a divorce.i don’t want that.please advise
Dear Lucy,
get into the LRT quick smart! This is exactly what it is designed for. It offers you a road map for finding yourself and a process to support you at this painful time.
Wishing you all the best,
Philipa
Hi Phillipa,
I thought I’d post a positive response to your article, to show this can work. Long story short – married to my wife of 15 years, 2 kids. I had a history of working too hard (long hours and occasionally weekends), playing sport every weekend and seeing my (male) friends. Basically whilst I provided a good lifestyle for the family I wasn’t there – mentally, emotionally or even physically – often enough. I think you can guess what happened next. A male friend of the family became a shoulder to cry on, to help out at home, and then eventually an affair started.
I knew something wasnt right when I would come home on time from work and she would start an argument would start as soon as I walked in the door. Sometimes I would come home from work or sport and find TOP in our house talking to my wife in the kitchen. Note he brought his children over to play with ours.
I found out in September 2017. We nearly split up a couple of times prior to that.
I used to read this article on a daily basis to give me hope. I realised that I did everything wrong (see the TLR phases), and struggled not to chase, ask questions about the relationship or check up on her. We went to counselling (together and on our own) which helped with communication between us. After many sessions, the counsellor confronted my wife – who did she want. TOP or me? Heart breaking, but she chose him. So, why are we together now, and making vacation plans for next year?
1. Confront the issue early (very difficult without evidence), listen to your gut instinct.
2. Listen to your partner to work out why they strayed
3. Don’t vent on social media (as much as you want to). Only do this to trusted friends or family.
4. In the early days limit yourself to 15 mins a day asking questions, any more and it’s like pursuing.
5. Work on where you went wrong (see #2), but really be that person. They will suspect you are just doing it to keep them. Make the changes and keep doing them – even if it annoys your spouse.
6. In the midst of this all, don’t lose sight of who you are. You didn’t stray or cheat. You are a good person, do the LRT.
7. DON’T do the LRT too early. I did and my wife thought I was pushing her away. Its for when all else fails.
8. When the time comes do the LRT fully. It will seem wrong, but if everything has failed do it. Don’t pursue, beg, spy – just be you. And let them go.
9. The LRT prepares you for life without your spouse, but you need to continue being a parent. Remember you can’t control your spouse – they are free to make their own decisions.
10. Be friendly, their best friend even, but not a doormat. Set boundaries – mine were if you want to see him I’m not being your child minder.
11. If your spouse wants to move out (mine did, but never went through with it), let them. But you need to discuss finances, and who pays for what.
12. Its their choice. Let them make it, you need to give them reasons to stay. Not to push them out or away.
Ultimately we stayed together – TOP gave up as my wife couldn’t make the final decision to leave. This combined with our kids wanting us to stay together, and my changes to be a better husband and parent. I also think looking at her finances provided a reality check as well.
You need to be strong, look after yourself and have trusted friends / family. You will go through hell emotionally. You will have bad days, days where you can’t function, where you want to give up and can’t take any more. Keep going. I lost 12 lbs in 3 months, felt like this was going to drive me mad or kill me. But it worked. It took 7 months from finding out to properly turning the corner.
The turning point is letting go, and really, really meaning it. Then the penny will drop.
Thanks for this article Phillipa, it really did work. I hope this post can help others too.
Steve.
Dear Steve,
wow so inspired reading your email. Congratulations on your hard earned relationship turnaround as a result of following the LRT.
Totally appreciate you openness in sharing your journey. What amazingly good advice in your letter. There is nothing like lived experience to encourage others. So pleased you hung in there, through the hell and continued to be a connected parent. My hat goes off to your partners wisdom in seeing a person who they can learn and grow with despite hardship.
Folks read Steve’s super advice steps, they are wise words to help pave your way. Get in early, arguments are a misguided attempt to connect and an affair a sure sign of relationship distress. This can be a way to exit with catastrophe. This is not the way to go.
Super grateful to you sharing your trail and trial of the LRT. Let it be a guide and signpost for others.
Thanks ever so much, Steve. I would bet you and your partner are at a new level of connection, togetherness and safety in your marriage. This is a tremendous outcome which bears testament to your depth and courage. Hats off and champagne corks must pop!
Where are you based Steve?
thanks Steve, you are a legend.
Best Wishes for the continuing love bond found again.
Philipa
Hi Philipa (with one l this time),
Thanks for your reply and kind words – I’m based in the UK. We’re almost back to how the marriage was 3 years ago.
I missed off some another factors in us staying together. Eventually the shine will come off any potential new relationship. The new shiny image wears off and reality looms. Then they realise what they have, will lose if they leave you, and appreciate how you have changed. I also changed my job to one that was slightly less demanding, and closer to home.
I also totally agree on the affair point. You didn’t force them to have the affair, it wasn’t your fault. You weren’t there for them when they needed it over a long period of time. So they look for that support elsewhere. An affair is a symptom of problems not the cause.
Each morning I would wake up and tell myself, I’ll get through this as I have balls of steel. After a really bad day, they would feel more like papier mache. However, move forward, tomorrow is another day. For any ladies reading this, replace balls with a body part of your choice! 🙂
For the men out there, I would also recommend reading articles on emotional intelligence and hubandly leadership – link below (http://husbandhelphaven.com/9-things-every-wife-needs-from-her-husband/). Not everything fits your scenario or relationship type, but pick the ones that do. That site is a mine of useful information.
I also took a look at friends who had a great relationship with their wives. How do they work together, common interests, share decision making etc and work out how it would work for us.
Confiding in friends is essential, but some will tell you to give up and ditch the spouse, some will support you. You know what you want, and why – it’s your choice to try to work on the marriage not theirs.
I wanted to share and give back what I’ve learnt in order to help others in a similar situation. Hang in there!
Great job on this site Philipa.
Steve
Hi
My husband and I have been married for 24 years. Whenever my husband is stressed especially over money he can be mean (name calling and derrogative statements). The most recent episode I left and my daughter and I are staying at my moms. He called once and stated people were telling him to. I requested that we seek counseling twice and he refused.
I haven’t heard anything from him. I have been thinking recently I should try to talk to him again to see if he has any interest in saving marriage. After reading this article I think I shouldn’t.
Dear Leah,
thanks for your email.
The LRT provides a blueprint for progress at exactly where you are at. Sorry you are in dire straits.
Happy to support your journey regardless of the outcome.
Yours in Grace,
Philipa
We have been married for 11 years. We have two children 10 and 5. I love my wife and I do not want a divorce. I have made mistakes in our marriage I have been verbally abusive and text other women. I have owned it and asked her for forgiveness. She will not forgive me. She left 5 months ago and says she has nothing left to give. I have tried all I know to do. I can’t even ask how her day was without it being wrong.
Dear Bryan,
the LRT is your best option here. It is good you have acknowledged the verbal abuse and texting other woman, unfortunately that is often not enough especially if this came out of her leaving or close to it.
Stop pursuing gain advance relationship skills. Learn about yourself and what you can do differently to being abusive to the relationship. Often it centres around our deepest fears and misguided attempts to connect. Ever tried to hug a crocodile? Yeah not going to happen. How about a warm fuzzy cat or dog. Can you see the difference.
Glad you found us. Dig deep within yourself and make changes to your behavior today.
Best Wishes,
Philipa
I’m certain that this is a case of too little too late in my case. My Wife and I started dating 5 years ago. She is 17 years younger than I but neither of us felt like our age difference was a negative factor or caused issues There were outside stressors from the beginning but we dearly and passionately have loved each other. We married almost three years ago. It seeemed as if we just had priblems understanding each othet but we knew the love was always there and we would often have great make up sex and not really learn how to communicate better. She has a large family but was very uninvolved with them until 8 weeks ago when her sexually abusive step father suddenly passed away. She reconnected with her family and disconnected from me. Then I lost my job. We were told we had to move out of the house we were renting. Then due to increasing anger and constant fighting, it was my idea to separate. I moved into a trailer at a friends house. Which happens to be next door to where her younger sister lives. Two days later she moved in there. I could see when she comes and goes. She started going out to the bars frequently. Something she hasn’t done since her early 20s. I freaked out and cried and perused her and did EVERYTHING wrong. A week ago after one of my attempts to get her to love me, she got the divorce papers. Finally after some heated arguments I signed them last Friday. I thought that she was having an affair with some dude she connected with at the bar. One week ago tonight she never did come back to the place she was staying and later told me she had stayed at a guy’s house but never would tell me who. Yesterday, after the papers had been signed for 24 hours I approached her by the house she’s staying at and she told me that she wasn’t seeing anyone. Idk what to think about that one sunday night. But I do know I did EVERYTHING wrong. She is going to file the papers and a restraining order tomorrow. (Monday april 16) i have not tried contacting her today. I won’t try again. I’ll let her go. But I love her beyond words and miss her so much it hurts. I wish I would have found this site weeks ago. My only prayer left is to hope she will hold on to the papers a few days and see the changes I am very willing to make.
Afraid it’s too late.
Dear Danny,
You poor thing. You and your wife have been through the wringer.Sorry it’s come to this crisis point.
You did the right thing by signing the papers. You must obey any restraining orders or legal stuff like this.
Danny from your email it sounds like you must use the Last Resort as your life guide for now. It is your best hope. Get yourself some therapy to deal with the emotional issues and help you grow.
Take care all the best,
Philipa
Thank you so much for your kind reply. I am definitely living it now and will continue to do so. Until I receive confirmation that she has filed the papers I will hold onto the shred of hope that I will get the chance to use this technique toward the goal that we all have. But if she has or does file the papers then I will accept that and move on. Either way, I will continue therapy and pray that she and I both will find happiness on our separate journeys. Thank you so much for this site.
Dear Danny,
you are so welcome!
Of course it will take time, Steve said his took seven months of really hard work. I think this can be anything up to a two year mission and beyond.
Sounds like you are on track and doing the best things you can, I reckon it is realistic you have a shred of hope but genuinely are letting go. You can best use the LRT when you fully let go of the outcome and the goal. Embrace change,
Take it easy and keep us updated.
Philipa
I started working the last resort a couple weeks ago. The article says to accept any invitations for family time, but is it okay to continue to invite my spouse to activities I plan for our children? I have been and he continues to politely decline them.
Just today he asked to set aside time to talk about separating. How do I handle that when I don’t want to separate? I know we’ll need to talk about it because it’s his choice, but since I don’t want it are there any ground rules I should consider?
Dear Kristen,
this is a powerful chance for you to really listen to your partner. Will it be frustrating, will it be hard, will you want to retaliate, remind him of all the good times ? Yes and then some.
My best advice to you is to tell him you are going to listen to him and not let emotions overflow. Naturally you are sad, stay with the softer emotions as opposed to anger and frustration. Those will only push him faster out the door. Keep your discussion to a small time frame too, relieves the pressure knowing there is a beginning and an end say 30 minutes and then make another time to check in.
Kristen you are going to restate back to him what he is saying like a mirror. This lets a person feel heard. The only thing you ask of him is to keep the information in 1-2 sentence chunks so you can do this. You then do a summary of what he is saying. You add nothing, use only his words for safety and remaining true to the content and process. Then ask is there more.
What I am suggesting is based on Imago Dialogue a powerful conversational tool for relationshp transformation. Chris, my partner and I were having relationship issues. So yes couple therapists have struggles too, like you! We attended an Imago Getting the Love you Want workshop which has lead to a major turnaround. I will an indepth write post soon.
Just you do the receiving bit for now. I wouldn’t try and get him to do it. Conversations help us understand each other. Google Imago Dialogue and here’s something I found to help explain Imago Imago Dialogue info
Good luck and take heart. Really hearing your partner is healing in the long term.
Be both strong vulnerable.
Good luck xx
PHilipa
Dear Kristen,
given the response you are getting I would say leave this off for now. As it can be a sting being rejected politely or otherwise. Let him make the offer. It is often about changing the dynamic and patterns in our relationship.
As you have to coparent you need to arrange for your children a continuing mutual relationship. Do this with grace and good will. I am sure you are already.
Best of luck Philipa
Thank you for your smart and kind responses. I was so confused as to go about talking about a separation I don’t want, and you’re advice is a great jumping off point. I have a tendency to over talk in our relationship so not talking will drfinitely be a switch.
Dear Kristen,
Thanks ever so much for your remarks. Smiley face.
As partners we need to be prepared to have all conversations with our mate, the good the bad and the ugly.
Great you are recognizing your past patterns, definitely do the opposite and switch. Super stuff. Make sure you do somethign kind for yourself after the conversation. Self care is vital.
Best Wishes,
Philipa
The conversation went well, but it seems when he meant separating, he meant divorcing. However he didn’t have a plan in mind just alternating weeks for our kids and he’d like to keep the house if possible. I made it clear that this is his plan and I will follow his cues while ensuring my voice is heard. I will continue to follow TLR and my heart will always be open to him, but acceptance, my healing and moving forward are my focuses.
Thank you.
Dear Kristen,
So pleased to hear the conversation went well, I hope you recognise your part and good efforts.
Sadly our partners will try and soften things by using words like ‘separate’ but really mean divorce. Good thing you have the LRT to lean on and provide support.
Make sure you and your children’s needs come first here, this is an unsettling time so you want to make it as least stressful as you can.
Blessing for you and your healing and acceptance,
Philipa
Hello again!
I just wanted to give you an update and see what you think of my current situation. My husband and I have now been separated for nearly 4 months and he lives elsewhere. I have used this time to focus on myself and do things that I really like to enjoy and feel more like me than I have in a long time. It has also given me a different perspective on our relationship and what I would do differently if I had the chance to.
In the time he has been away he has been making up excuses to drop in and see me every now and then to “do things to the house” and has been messaging me to see how Ive been etc and is very curious about my life and what I have been upto. When we hang out together I don’t really bring up anything to do with our relationship and we just have fun and enjoy each others company! He always wants to be all over me and somewhat very clingy and OTT which I find interesting! He has done things that he wasn’t doing just before he decided to leave. For example: Came over to see me for my birthday and made the effort to cook me a really nice dinner, offering to give me massages anytime and being really cuddly and loving. All of those things seemed like they were a chore when we were actually together but he is doing them now when we are not together at the moment!
I am never the one to make contact first but when he contacts me which is roughly once every week to check in and see how I am etc we most of the time end up seeing each other in person. He has asked to come over or has invited me to his place. Since he seems more interested now am I still supposed to leave the contacting upto him always? Or should I initiate some of the contact and just see how he is doing etc? At the moment the last time we saw each other was about a week ago when we spent a few nights in a row together – didn’t have sex (he wanted to) but were cuddling and kissing etc and left it on a positive note. I guess I feel at the moment its so hot and cold which can be confusing. It is like he enjoys spending time with me but isn’t ready to commit again. In 2 weeks time I am going overseas for a month which I guess will give him even more time to think about things and give him a chance to miss me more. We agreed that when I return we will decide what we are going to do one way or the other. While I am over there again should I just leave all of the contact for him to initiate? I don’t know if I should be making some effort even though he was the one who left?
Any thoughts would be appreciated!
Thanks 🙂
Dear Kira,
thanks for the update. Sounds like good progress and you are doing a great job with the LRT.
This paragraph really stood out for me:
“I have used this time to focus on myself and do things that I really like to enjoy and feel more like me than I have in a long time. It has also given me a different perspective on our relationship and what I would do differently if I had the chance to.”
This is exactly what Step 2 is about and I can see it has had a positive effect both on you and your relationship.
Things are still tentative though, as you write :It is like he enjoys spending time with me but isn’t ready to commit again. I reckon that is 100% accurate. So go slowly. Repair of hurt and building safety in your relationship again are what you are doing now.
It truly feels like the way you are doing things now is having the best impact, so I would just keep doing this, without adding anything else. No initiating. Break old habits deal with your anxiety, which is completely understandable. Big hugs to you and a high five.
Enjoy your trip!
Best Wishes
Philipa
Thank you so much 🙂
I will continue to do what I am doing and not initiate any of the contact until he is more committed? It is hard but I feel like me again which is definitely worth it! Will keep you posted!
🙂
Hello again 🙂
Just thought id give an update! So I have been on my trip away for the last month which has been amazing! It was great to get away from everything and just enjoy life for me for a while 🙂
In the time I have been away my husband had been contacting me via messages pretty much every 2-4 days just checking how my trip was going and how I was etc and even said he misses me! He has also reminisced about a few things in our relationship and told me some family secrets that only his family know about. I haven’t initiated contact at all.
I have missed him a lot while I have been away and now that I am closer to returning home I am beginning to get a bit anxious about what will happen. He stayed living in our house for this whole month to look after our dogs and have his own place away from his parents house. A few weeks before I left for this trip he had said that we can wait and see how we both feel when I get back and then go from there. If/when I see him should I bring it up or just wait and see what happens? If he wants to see me and hang out etc and doesnt bring anything up should I continue to just enjoy spending time with him and keep it light?
Any suggestions will be great 🙂
Hello again ?
Just thought id give an update! So I have been on my trip away for the last month which has been amazing! It was great to get away from everything and just enjoy life for me for a while ?
In the time I have been away my husband had been contacting me via messages pretty much every 2-4 days just checking how my trip was going and how I was etc and even said he misses me! He has also reminisced about a few things in our relationship and told me some family secrets that only his family know about. I haven’t initiated contact at all.
I have missed him a lot while I have been away and now that I am closer to returning home I am beginning to get a bit anxious about what will happen. He stayed living in our house for this whole month to look after our dogs and have his own place away from his parents house. A few weeks before I left for this trip he had said that we can wait and see how we both feel when I get back and then go from there. If/when I see him should I bring it up or just wait and see what happens? If he wants to see me and hang out etc and doesnt bring anything up should I continue to just enjoy spending time with him and keep it light?
Any suggestions will be great ?
Hello, this is very helpful. My husband and I have been struggling for a while. We tried therapy years back. We didn’t get here quickly. He has a lot of anger and resentment. I am less angry, but resentful. Mostly the usual stuff – I feel like I am responsible for everything, kids, house, scheduling, etc. He doesn’t see it that way and thinks he contributes equally. We both work full time. He thinks I undermine him with kids, always want last word, emasculate him. While I am not easy, this is a bit much. He went to therapy on his own and frankly I think it made things worse. Asked to go once and therapist was all over me. Pushed back that there are three sides to the story (his, mine and the truth somewhere in the middle) and he only knows husband’s side. But since then he has decided he needs to be happy, healthy, etc. Which I agree. But he just holds on to all the old stuff and while I may not agree with his version, it bothered him then and now, so it is real. Last summer it turned into basically him spending time doing what he wanted and we were more than welcome to join (life is short, you need to enjoy…). We did often but kids didn’t enjoy what he was doing so we were often not together. Wanted to give him space. He travels for work but has also taken a week by himself for a few years (we are always invited it just does not work with school, etc.) or stayed longer at a property we own down south (again, we are invited to stay…). Tried to hold my tongue, support him, etc. We have not been physical for a while – hard to get back there with underlying current/feelings. For the last 10 months I felt like I was walking on eggshells. After two recent outbursts in response to something that should have been trivial, I realized that although we had been very civil, he was in the same place with anger and resentment. He recently told me thinks a separation is needed. He will move into a place we have nearby. Last summer I thought this was coming and I was very scared. This time, I am OK. I obviously go back and forth but feel like something is needed. We either get better or move on. My issue is that he seems like he wants the best of both worlds. He has been staying at the other place at night but the kids don’t know yet since he is not ready there for them so I don’t want them to know until he is all set and we can speak with them. So, he comes home after work, we have dinner, etc. and he head’s out when they don’t know (they know something up). It seems oddly very civil – he is trying to be more present with the kids, helping a bit more around the house, trying to be more involved with scheduling etc (once he told me he was moving out, I made sure he was required to do some work on kid front under guise of you need to know this but also Ok, then I’m not taking care of it all anymore), making dinner, etc. I go back and forth wondering is it just his way to keep things totally civil before he moves out completely (so he’s faking a bit) or it is more? Was planning summer schedule and a trip we usually take with my friends for a few days he still wants to come. Also, one child wants to go back to a place we went to a few years ago. It would likely be over Christmas break. He mentioned it last night and I said we would have to work it out but you should take them. He said, we should all go. I said, I don’t know if that is a good idea – could give the kids false hope depending on where we are. So, long way to the point, having now read your technique where you say I should accept all family time, are you really saying I should go on vacation? I feel like if we are still separated by then, this is not good for the kids and only gives him more reason to stay away – can have my family and single life too? Thanks.
Dear Ann,
thanks for your email. Super pleased you found it helpful.
I am going to suggest an exercise for you. Print out your email get a pen and paper.
I want you to hand write your email with these changes. Substitute all “I” and replace with “He”, swap all “He” and write “I”. For example. Print out says: “I feel he …” Will be He feels I “..
Now it won’t be grammatically correct. It must be hand written. Read it back to yourself and see what comes.
To answer your point re the vacation. If I am reading it correctly your vacationed apart. Being with both parents who are civil to each other is great for the kids regardless of the relationship status. Criticism and anger are the toxic things to avoid.
Enjoy a holiday I say! Imagine if he saw the fun relaxed you. Do the LRT religiously.
Best Wishes Philipa
My husband of almost 8 years said he didn’t love me anymore, he feels nothing, doesn’t care, is selfish, & has all he has ever wanted “just doesn’t want it with me”.
He moved out of state. (2 months ago)
He only calls when he needs something, I have deleted him from fb, he has bought a new motorcycle.
He has asked for myself & the children to move out of state (just as friends). We have been intimate in two different occasions, however I stopped after it made me fell used. He doesn’t communicate with me at all, just calls our kids every 4 days very briefly on the children’s cell.
I honestly do no know if I should keep trying this method or just move on?
He has also said that he is not confused, this is not a game, & that he doesn’t want to play with our kids emotions.
He’ll be 30 this year, I’ll be 34. Our kids are 12,8,&4.
Thank you
Dear Cecilia,
sorry to hear of this turn of events in your relationship. Very tough, and super confusing for you I’d guess.
As I read your letter the word that comes to my mind is boundaries. Do you know your boundaries and needs Cecilia? I sense you need to get some help with your inner strength and self esteem, which of course has been knocked around by these happenings.
The line I really associate with on this is where he has asked you and the children to move interstate to meet his needs to be close to you all. Really?
How would hauling you, your children to him help you? Gee I am irritated by this a fair bit, as it seems self focused on his part. Not that I blame him for wanting to be close to his family, that is a wonderful wish.
Can you afford to keep trying to meet his needs? And when you do this you what happens to your self respect? So I want you to get strong in yourself as you decide what action to take on the move.
Moving interstate is expensive, a huge drag, totally unsettling and will leave you and the kids without your family and friends.
You would then have to rely more on him, not the LRT mode at all.
My advice is to stay put, take a stand for yourself and your kids. Get a support network around you to help you.
I hope you get the spirit of where I am coming from. I am advocating for you, I believe in you and know you will do the best for you and the kids, whatever feels right. It is great he is in regular contact with the kids, this needs to be a routine you both decide.
Part of using the LRT means you have a method to move on with – Step 2 Get a life.
Good luck and let us know what you decide,
Philipa
My boyfriend left me for another girl and since he left I have been heart broken and was living a painful and sorrowful life, I did all I could to get him back but he refuse and told me to move on because he was tired our relationship and also he has found someone else, I tried to move on without him but because of the love I have for him. I will follow the LRT and see what happens _?..????
Great idea.
Good luck Shannon !
I have been battling with the don’t do list and just today expressed feelings of love, and offering to help. I feel this overwhelming urge to try and connect. So text and say the I love you at every opportunity. I’ve been stonewalled for over a month and silent treatment for the last 3 months. I buy gifts and write letters. And today she expressed that she is not sure we can make it work. 18years of marriage and from what you have just said I’m making things worse. I’ve been working on me alot over the last few months. And as strange as your suggestion sound and as hard as it may be, I will do what ever I can to hopefully reconnect. Hope and pray this works. Thanks for the advice
Good one Rob,
You have to not ‘try’ the LRT. You have to truly live it.
It must be rough too as every time you reach for her she is pushing you away. At least this will cease that sting. I’m gettibg a sense there may be abandonment anxiety. This is best acknowledged and addressed.
Good luck and keep us updated with your progress.
Cheers Philipa
My husband left me January 2017, we have been marriage 30 years. I knew we were having problems, both of us checked out of the marriage and as I became more nag and negative my husband with stopped talking held every thing in and drank more which made me more negative. Needless to say I was devastated. He did agree to counseling at that time. This counseling lead us to marriage retreat in April 2017 in which we both broke down and ended up renewing our marriage vows. We begin to move back together and had a wonderful honeymoon period. As summer 2017 went on we both started to go back to old ways of me being controlling and my husband stuffing his feeling and drinking more. We were still in counseling but husband stopped after Thanksgiving due to work commitments. In January 2018 my husband left again and stated he was done and wants a divorce. He again moved out of the home. Since January I have been going to 1-1 therapy and support groups to work on my issues of control and anger. I have not been able to let go of my husband and know I have pursued him to excessively. I believe we both Lov each other and my husband still gives me kiss and hug every time I see him. We work together 1x a week and are currently looking at selling our home. My husband has been living with his sister and wants his own place desperately and also wants a divorce but want to remain friendly for our adult children . Do you think your last resorts can help? I know no one knows the future only God and I am trying to listen to his word. Trying to hang on to hope.
Dear Sue,
A short response at present as I’m away. Yes the Last resort is your best option. Study it, live it and wait.
Keep the faith!
Best wishes,
Philipa
Philipa
I hope you can help me in my scenario. me and my wife have been together for 8 years this year and married 3 of them. IN the start we were in-separable and done all things together and over time issues started happening were my partner would go else where for attention, no infidelity but generally just talking to guys and wishing this was how things was. I held on to what was happening and not focusing on why which was coming across as mistrust, now I do trust my partner but always wonder if she would let me down again. obviously with the lack of trust as well as feeling down, suffocated because I have been in panic mode has made us separate. Now we are still officially married, no talks of divorce as of yet and have planned to do couple counselling but was wondering WHAT I SHOULD DO NOW. It feels as if several things have built up over time for her and now she is at breaking point. She now explains she confused to what she wants and doesn’t know how she feels. I have suggested on her terms that we start dating, staying over night once or twice a week but at the moment no response – SHE SAYS SHE JUST WANTS SPACE. HOW SHOULD I HANDLE THIS AND HAVE I RUINED MY MARRIAGE FOR GOOD.
Philipa, please may you edit my name in the post, kind regards
My apologies! And done ✅ sorry occasionally I slip up.
any comments on my current situation
Dear Jon,
things are at a delicate point in your marriage from your previous email.
This is great time for going slow and holding back. Of course that may not be easy and this is where the LRT can assist you. The secret to any turnaround is to really listen to your partner, so they feel heard, without defense or justification and then empathise. These are huge learnable skills.
I would also suggest reading or getting te audio book called Getting the Love You Want by Harville HendrixGetting the Love you Want
Good luck and let us know how you are going.
Take care,
Philipa
Hi Jon,
A quick note as I am out of the office and writing on my phone.
You need to hear and respond to your partners request for space immediately.
Do the LRT like it’s your daily mantra. Read Steve’s comments and my blog post for his suggestions.
Good luck !
Philipa
Much gratitude for this, as it is exactly what I needed to hear at this devastating time in my life, a time of uncertainty and fear, trying to hold the broken pieces of my marriage and family after my husband’s infidelity. While I know how we got here, I have not known how to move forward, especially when my husband is confused, not knowing what he wants. I have been living in what feels like purgatory and your words have been heaven sent. I thank you for your wisdom, encouragement, and support. You are truly special, and I’m sure have touched many hearts and marriages. Much Love ???
Dear Jeanette,
thank you for your gratitude, very heartwarming to hear.
Glad it was good for you to hear at this devastating point in your life, these trials give us a powerful opportunities for growth, we can look back on later. It is not easy to be in a place of uncertainty and fear. We appreciate you have found the LRT blog helpful and have shared this. Your words may encourage others too, who are also in a place of desperation and loneliness. Again many thanks for your kind words.
Blessings,
Philipa
Hi, my husband I have been married 16 years. On Christmas he told me he was leaving and had a girlfriend. He travels for work and met her that way. He is in another state. They aren’t living together and he told me “it’s not like that.”
He is back in my state right now for 4 weeks while building a house. He actually asked to rent my moms rental for the time. Myself and my family love him regardless of this error in judgement.
My daughter is 19 and wishes we were together. I have not filed and he knows I will not. I am a Christian and do not believe in divorce. He knows this. I asked him a couple of mo this ago if there was any chance we could reconcile, he said no.
So I stopped communication other than business only stuff. He has taken all of his things, he had me divide photos and everything. I told him I would not text him anymore (respecting what appeared to be his wishes) and he said I could still text and call. I have not. I respond briefly if texts me. He says he wants me to be happy.
Well I want my husband. I want my family. I want my future.
I have worked out, lost weight, moved on for all intense and purposes, I have not texted him in a couple of weeks.
He is staying a mile away from me, the woman is in another state. The only hope I hold onto is that he hasn’t filed.
There is nothing…. he doesn’t make attempts to communicate. This is his third affair. He has always come back a few months later…. this time feels different. During the first month he sobbed and cried how he had ruined things and could never turn back. He said he burned bridges and how could I ever trust him again(because this isn’t the first). Well, I am not weak nor am I undesirable to other men. I simply feel extreme loyalty to my spouse and made a vow to love him for better or worse and that means something to me. No, I am not ok with this happening, but I don’t want to lose 16 years either.
I think he feels he cannot turn back. His guilt and shame hold him back. Our daughter has only recently forgiven him.
Am I a fool? Should I go ahead and file? Why hasn’t he?
I don’t want to stay married for 2 years longer if he really isn’t coming back.
I have been searching and searching for the answers.
Dear Susie,
you have been through and continue to be in tough circumstances in your marriage.
Reading your email it sounds as if your relationship has a long history and as any will have had it’s challenges. If you guys reconcile professional support would be advised.
I hear you have done some of the LRT, getting healthy and taking care of yourself is a fabulous start, so well done you. You now have to apply Steps 1 & 3. Stop the contact unless it’s around the children or necessary business conversations. And apply massive amounts of patience and faith.
Write out the relationship you want using S.M.A.R.T principles of goal setting.
A bit of damned if you do and damned if you don’t, if you’ll excuse me re the filing of divorce papers. My sense is to wait and give the LRT a few months and see what happens. Read Steve’s post for his wise words and encouraging experience.
Please keep us in the loop and send us an update.
Blessing and best wishes
Philipa
Hello, tomorrow I will be married to my husband for two years. When it gets really tough my husband has been the one to threaten with divorce. Im always the one to apologize first so we can move forward. Lately, rather than resolve conflicts, he stays silent, ignores me and grabs all his belongings and stays at his mother’s. When he realized he’s wrong he returns and apologizes…he went away again and so i told him he should stay there. His family, especially the mother and sister have been an issue since day one. In an email, i suggestesd we stayed apart for 6 months to work out ourselves. He went on to say he’s filing for divorce, again. I said ok ill be expecting it…(This was new for me to say and scared me so much i fainted) I dont want to divorce! But im tired of the threats! Will the LTR technique be applicable to my situation? Thank you!
Dear Maria,
you guys are stuck in a power struggle with both of you not acting from your wisest self or best interests. I hear there is loads of reactivity.
Dear Maria,
you are at a very common stage in your relationship that all marriages must confront and address. It’s the power struggle, which comes after the romance stage. You both must progress through this. Totally normal stuff.
Rather than reacting to each others fears with pursuit, threats and withdrawal you need a more mature approach. I believe your relationship would benefit from therapy, not the LRT.
Get to a local therapist. My suggestion is an Imago Relationship Therapist please visit
Southern California Imago Therapy to find someone near by.
Good luck and please let us know,
cheers Philipa
This is long I’m sorry. Please bear with me. My long term partner (15 years) began an affair in the middle of last year, only weeks after we moved into our dream house. I found out six months ago, having suspected for a few months. I did and have continued to do everything I should not. Begged, cried, pleaded, threatened, cajoled. To no avail. He was completely besotted (maybe he still is). I saw all their messages – him saying they were soul-mates and both agreeing they had never felt this way before. She is much younger. It was devastating. I confronted him and he wouldn’t end it, told me he loved her and he was going to continue seeing her. I begged him not to. I begged him not to move out. He eventually moved out at the end of January. He remains living with her although insists she is not there all the time.
He has waffled between “thinking he has made a huge mistake” to “has made a huge mistake” to “wants to come home” and “thinks he wants to come home”. To “misses his life”, “misses me”, “loves me”. Some of it, I’m sure, is because he had not realised I was entitled to half the proceeds of sale of our house, even though we are not married. He has gone from a lovely house with a beautiful garden (all taken care of by me) to a one bedroom flat.
I he has had a bit of a crisis. He has always worked 18 hour days in his own business and was at burnout. He also loves to be adored. He is under pressure from the OW not to work so much, to move to another part of the country he doesn’t want to move to and which will see him travelling even longer hours. But, she seems to have some hold on him. Having resisted all please to work less from me and friends he is doing less work than he ever has, is going out, going away for weekends which we never did in spite of me trying to convince him. But I have no doubt that this will be stressing him out and that he will be having to catch up whenever he can with work.
He has recently put in writing, finally, that he is deeply sorry for how badly he has treated me and that he wants and intends to come home. But he is taking no action. He doesn’t want to let OW – who left her husband for him – down. I’m sure he cares for her, possibly deeply. Also, her firm does a lot of business with him and he is very worried about how this will impact his work. Perhaps it is wishful thinking on my part but this seems to be a significant factor. He is also scared to face the music when he comes home. I have told him I want to deal with this as calmly and reasonably as possible but, in the past, I have had anger issues which are resolved. These were over two long-ago affairs – in quick succession and mostly emotional – following which he did little, if anything, to rebuild my trust. I had no help and so I did not recover. But I also never let them go which, with hindsight, I feel I should have. When I discovered this recent affair I realised how long ago they were and yet in my head they still felt current somehow.
I want to work things out. He is in such a mess (almost in tears when I see him, some I am sure self-pity but he does not seem happy and looks dreadful) that I almost feel I could trust him MORE than I ever have for I just don’t think he would get himself into this sort of situation again. And I miss him terribly and our life. I love our home. I just want my life back. We had barely begun our new life! It’s so sad.
I have just begun the LR technique but have failed a few times. I don’t know what to do when he messages and says “I miss you”, “I wanted to let you know I am thinking of you”. I don’t know whether to ignore completely or respond cool or say that I miss him too. He has promised to be home by a given day three times and has not made it, twice because he went away with her for a weekend! I want to get him home. I just don’t know how to do it. Everyone tells me I am mad, foolish, that he is lying. But there can be no reason for saying what he is saying. If he wanted her and was happy he would agree to put our house on the market – which he won’t. In the meantime he cannot move on with his life with her and I cannot move on so it seems unlikely he would delay it if he wanted a life with her. I want to know how to get him home. Should I suggest dates, respond? Just market the house to shock him? I wish I could file for divorce but obviously that isn’t open to me.
Please, please help me and offer any advice if you have any. I am lost and feel completely out of control, sad, desolate and just terrible about my life and situation. I feel I am drowning”.
Dear H,
thanks ever so much for you letter, of course it is a long history and lots to tell. So sorry you are feeling lost, out of control, sad and desolate – all very normal stuff for what your situation is. Sending you a big hug xx
Remember your long history is a bonus. And so glad you found the LRT. You have to totally embrace it 1000% right now. Specifically STOP all chasing, asking, about relationship, talking about OW etc. Turn the focus right back to you, as only you can both save this and change you.
I am hopeful because of your long history and he is showing strong feelings. You are right he will care for the OW and it totally is possible to love two people. So you want to be the contrast to the OW. You want to hold your head high, let her put pressure on his workaholistic ways etc. Sit back and relax. Get you back.
All the LRT steps are vital for you to adhere to like a work schedule. This will give you your self control back – you can control you and how you respond. The LRT is the life buoy. Grab it with both hands and make for shore.
Stop talking to others about your situation, no point in going over and over things. Find one or two people who know you both and will support you and are not negative toward him. He like us all is a fallible human being but will also have his good points. Stop trying to to figure out what is going on with him, turn your attention back to you and get your own back – support you. We really can’t know what is going on for him it’s only a guess anyhow.
As for the texting, wait for 30 minutes or later to respond. You choose the response you want that suggests you are moving on, without any sting though. Be real. ” I am sad too but must get my life back; or accept things as they are.” Something to that effect. General rule of thumb if he writes three words you write less only one or two.Maybe even an Emoji instead. You get the idea. You can add once “I trust you will figure things out.” Only if he has texted a couple of sentences.
Certainly no talk of the past, as you are moving on with your life. The reality is you have to be prepared to do this, not fake it. Sad as that is. This is why it is the LAST Resort, as it truly is.
Leave the house for now, get your inner house in order first.
Sending you love and care in this despairing time.
Keep us updated H,
Philipa
Philipa, I need more advice.
He did not come home. He eventually explained that she was pregnant which was what was “difficult”. He told me when she was five weeks pregnant. He told me he was devastated, that it was not what he wanted (he was very angry and said he did not want the “f.ing” baby and that he had fully intended to come home). He was trying to talk her into a termination but she went through IVF with her husband and he wasn’t sure she would consider it. He eventually told me he thought she would and was booked in to have a termination mid May. I found out later it was far earlier in May and that he kept me dangling for 10 days when he knew she did not go through with it. He then told me he would have to stay with her because of what people would think of him if he left her in her condition. What about what people will think of him abandoning me? He said, on balance, given the circumstances his decision was that he wanted to stay with her. And he has begun introducing her to people at work.
I have done the LRT and, since he said this, have not contacted him at all save to say that I knew he did not want the life that awaited him and that I would still consider us being together, with him supporting and seeing the child, and that I hoped he would reconsider. He has an awful lot to lose but I am worried all he is worried about losing is out home. He said, when we last spoke, that he had to put it on the market for he now had no excuse. She had marketed hers and he was getting grief. But he has not pressed me to do it. I told him that I would not market it. That he has had months to process where he will live, what he will do (she is pressuring him to move to her home town – a part of the country in which he has always refused to consider living) and that they will have a dual income whereas I will be in financial turmoil and have to decide where I want to live. I also said the pregnancy might not be viable and we should wait. He did not disagree. After a few days he called me but I did not answer. He then sent a message to say he called and I did not answer. I have not called him and he has not tried again. I know, separate to any of this, that they are arguing a great deal and that things are very fraught. A friend has advised that they are talking about how they may have no future, that the fact he does not want the baby while she does may be the end of them but that they both sacrificed so much and fought to be together and it would be a waste to give up now. But he has so much to lose by staying, given that he never wanted children. He used to cringe when they sat near us in restaurants and friends are absolutely in agreement that it isn’t what he wants.
I firmly believe she got pregnant on purpose. He even accepted that she “probably” did it on purpose. The pill doesn’t just fail and so quickly. I just think she wanted to make sure he stayed, feeling insecure because of how they got together and this always having been her intention. He has never told her he does not want children and has let her think he would be open to it so I doubt she expected this reaction, even though so early on and without a home of their own it was a totally stupid thing to do.
I am told that she is constantly pressing him, manipulating him by sending emotive messages to get him to respond saying all will be ok, that they will get through this, that he loves her. It seems they have argued a lot and, under pressure, she has booked another termination date in a few weeks. They have discussed the fact that this could be the end of their relationship because she will hate him. And I know that if she has the baby he will not be happy. He is very selfish and he does not have a good track record of staying once attention leaves him and focuses on a child.
I don’t know what to do. Do I stay out of touch? I am starting to think he wants her, come what may (in his foggy infatuation or maybe he just genuinely loves her), and never intended to come back. But I cannot understand why he would insist, for so long, that he wanted to return – unless it was all about our beautiful home. Or do I make contact, be the place of safety when he is being nagged and downtrodden by her. It doesn’t seem to me to bode well for their “relationship” that they are bickering and arguing and under such intense stress so early on.
What should I do? I know I shouldn’t want him to but I don’t want this life for him, or me. I just want him to come home and for us to work things out. I see this being the end of him; he will never cope with his hours with a child and a nagging mother who he couldn’t trust, before this, and certainly cannot trust now.
Since writinghe has now messages to say he cannot stop thinking about me. Is it working? It is probably too late anyway :(. What should I say? Or should I ignore?
Dear H,
yes it is definitely working, well done!
You respond but not before 30 minutes or so. With this positive stuff you want to reinforce. Keep it to one or two lines only. Slowly, slowly catchy monkey as they say.
Excellent, now stay patient and vigilant on the LT.
Thanks for checking back,
Philipa
Help. 8 weeks ago my wife of 15 years came to me and told me that I needed to seek help/treatment to deal with some issues (angry outbursts/low mood) and that she wasn’t happy anymore. As we talked she said “I love you, I’m just not in love with you anymore”. I collapsed and sobbed because I never saw this coming. 3 years ago we agreed that I needed to seek treatment for my ADHD and I was prescribed Adderall. Coincidentally, she says that things began to get bad about that time and that she’s been faking/pretending for the last two years. While taking this medicine I would verbally rage at my kids for seemingly nothing at all, and as soon as I was done it felt like an out-of-body experience….I would replay what I said and instantly hate myself.
I went to my new physician and they said that, with more information from the time prior to my taking the medication, it sounded like I was suffering from depression, cyclically, for 6-7 years prior to being put on the Adderall.
I began therapy 5 weeks ago, weaned off the Adderall until I got completely off and onto Vyvanse 5 days ago, began Lexapro for my anxiety and I’ve consumed volumes of information on figuring out what I can do to “fix” myself.
In the 8 weeks since she told me to get help I’ve asked her if she could be there to support me – not now I’m too upset and angry. I’ve asked if there will be an us after I beat this disease – I don’t know. When we talk about the situation she cries and says she feels bad that she put this all on me, and that she wished she could help – but she “can’t force herself to love me in the way I deserve”…..
And just this morning she gave me the talk about maybe trying a separation….I’m totally and irrevocably detestated! She said during the talk that she’s willing to continue going to her therapy (she went for the first time last week) and then after a few weeks try couples counseling….but she text her friend tonight saying that my counselor is giving me “false hope” that things will resolve with us being together.
We have three amazing, little dorky boys (12, 10, 8) who are going to be more floored than I was if we can’t find a way to make this marriage work. I don’t know how to even act in the house as I type this. Over the last 8 weeks I’ve lived in a perpetual state of anxious fear that hurts my body.
For the last 3-4 weeks my boys have been calling me “new daddy” because I’ve been able to make marked changes in my behavior and responses to triggers from before (I was nearly misphonic when on Adderall) and I now have a lag-time from something happening and my response. She told me initially that she thought I was faking. Ugh.
What I don’t understand is why she booked a hotel room for a weekend getaway for us and the boys 2 weeks ago? Why did she and I book a vacation house for June? Why did we go shopping for and buy a new range and micro that won’t be delivered until the end of May? We do these future-looking hinges if you know you’re going to tell me that you want to separate?
I feel so alone and confused and I have no,idea how to behave or act in my own house!!!!
Please help?!
Last bit, we sleep in the same bed and I’m not sure if I should sleep in the basement, stay here in bed, go to my mother’s house, or ask her to go to her mom’s? When I asked her she wanted me to move out, she said now isn’t a good time with the kids in school and our work, maybe when the kids are out of school…..and then she asked me IF SHE SHOULD MOVE OUT? I’m so so so confused…..
Dear Matthew,
forget this until she raises it again. Then the conversation must revolve around what is best for your children, the least upheaval the better. Whoever is the primary carer is most likely to stay in the home with the children and the other move. Your focus must be on your children’s needs at this point above your own.
Good Luck with it,
Philipa
Dear Matthew,
Yes I hear your devastation and confusion, which most likely echoes your wife’s.
I am glad you are getting therapy and working on yourself, this is the way to go.
Look while it is great you are making changes, your partner is going to take a while to ensure the changes are sustainable, tough as it is for you to hear.
I would do a cut down version of the LRT. Definitely stop anything that could come across to your spouse as pressure, if in doubt don’t ask, do or emote. Less is more hear. And certainly no questions on the relationship. Work with your therapist on your listening skills. Use these with your wife, so she can feel heard and attended to. No justifying or excuses for the past, let it go.
You don’t want to tell her how good you are now and how things are now or can be for you. You only want to show her with your good actions and openness, even if this is talking about separation.
Enjoy the vacation house in June, make sure you are on your best. This will help remind her of your good side. And have fun with the new cookers.
Best Wishes Philipa
Thank you for your response. Over the course of the last 9 weeks I’ve been getting such mixed signals from her that I ended up having a panic attack and passing out. She pulled me close by one arm 3 weeks ago, hugged me, kissed me on the lips and said “I love you” after I helped her do something at her work. This Saturday – the first time she ever used the word separation – she said it was just her way of saying thank you. 4 weeks ago she put her head on my chest and let me play with her hair for nearly 4 minutes…..I cried softly after she went back to her side of the bed so she wouldn’t hear me. But the last two weeks she’s been pulling away more and more, as if she’s trying to get comfortable not being around me. And so as of yesterday I decided that if she wants a “live-in-separation” than I’ll give her one. I’m still cordial and nice and start trivial conversation about the things pertaining to our 3 amazing boys, but that’s it. Tonight she was going to head upstairs to be alone with her phone and I remarked that I was headed up to shower and read….she – with her book and phone IN HAND – said okay and turned back around and sat down in a chair. Instead of getting internally upset, I almost laughed out loud. She may be totally done and gone and there’s nothing I can do about that thought in her mind, but I’m going to play hard to get/hard to figure out until she works up the courage to speak her mind.
About the separation, she said that she wanted to wait until school was over for the kids sake. That can go either way. She’s serious about leaving and stringing me along to have me help out here (make her life comfortable), or she’s still really not sure what she wants. What are your thoughts?
Dear Matthew,
my thoughts are you need to apply the LRT make it your way of life immediately.
Stick to it every part. Stop trying to figure your wife out, stop crying, chasing and get yourself back.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Wishing you the best,
Philipa
I caught her sexting with a guy that I assumed she was talking to tonight. She initially tried to deny it – through tears – and gave herself away. She finally told the truth and told me she has no love for me. So it’s over. Oddly, since I saw this coming for 3-4 weeks now I’m not surprised, angry, or even mad. I’m disappointed, hurt, ashamed, embarrassed, and scared. She asked me multiple times through tears “why aren’t you angry and screaming”, but the answer to that is simple…I love her unconditionally. Hope is all I have now, though I know there’s very very little of that, it’s all I’ve got. I don’t think I’ll ever know how to act towards her with anything other than kindness and compassion. Maybe I’m foolish, but fools deserve love too.
Dear Matthew,
Hope and the LRT are what you have. If you know all this stuff about what your wife is doing, it suggests to me that you are chasing. So stop and really let go. Find yourself, info gathering isn’t your best bet here. The LRT would be advised.
Good luck,
Philipa
Hello,
I’ve been married 14 years and we have two teens. This past year my Husband and I each lost a parent. Even before that we had troubles in our marriage of fighting and me not giving attention to my husband. 9 months ago my husband started an emotional affair with a coworker and they started have sex 3 months ago. After I found out he was remorseful but told me he loved both of us and was torn. He said he loved me but wasn’t in love with me anymore. Long story short he chose me and dumped the OW. That was a few weeks ago and ever since it hasn’t clicked on his end to make it work. I could feel a disconnect. I thought maybe he was still seeing her. We talked and I finally got him to open up to me. He said half of him wants us to work half doesn’t. He doesn’t want to waste any of my time. He said he’s afraid it will never go back to how it was before. He said though that he is afraid to lose me and he doesnt want to regret letting me go in the future so he wants to try and make it work. He wants to know if we end it that he gave it a try. I love him and I don’t want to lose him. If he wants to make it work should I try to give him love or be a little more distant? It sucks knowing he isn’t in love with me and i think he’s trying because of the quilt he feels over the affair. I also cared for him mother during her death and I feel he feels bad to leave someone who his mother loved and I loved in return. His whole family loves me and would be disappointed if he didn’t stay with me. I want him to love me though not just stay with me for those reasons. What do I do?
Dear Cassandra,
I would suggest you guys need couple therapy to process the grief and loss over your parents, the affair and the issues in your marriage. It’s probably too early for the LRT.
Get professional help and fast track the healing. Rather than be caught up in the worry and angst of your last sentence.
Best Wishes and hope to you,
Philipa
Thank you for responding. We have been bonding the last week and things look better. I want counseling but he’s hesitant. I am just being super positive, loving, and supportive. I’m working to change his mind without pushing him too hard.
Dear Cassandra,
work more on you than him. Otherwise it will not be sustainable. Stop being super positive, loving and supportive. Stop any form of pushing, it never works and it leaves both parties exasperated or worse. Start being real. I say this with love and you and your relationships best intentions.
Apply most of the LRT. You are in it for the long haul.
Best wishes and thanks for sharing where you are at. Of course I am asking you to do something very new. See how it goes.
With Love,
Philipa
I am going to try this method. But I do have a question, should I ask my spouse who is out of the house for the extra help with our kids. So I can start going back to the gym. Or It’s better if I try to figure it out on my own? I mean like him watching them for 2 hours 2 times a week so I can go to the class. Would that be looked at as chasing him?
Dear Rubi, this sounds like it would fit into a good co-parenting thing.
When it comes to the kids I do suggest you maintain a working arrangement. Just keep it only on that. Nothing more nothing less. Give him the first option. I wouldn’t say what I was doing just that he has an opportunity to spend some time with the children and you are offering it to him first.
Best Wishes Philipa
Hi, my wife of over 25 years left last Wednesday to stay with my daughter for a “couple days” which became 2 weeks and now she is talking about extending the separation for at least a couple more months or looking into renting an apartment. She had an emotional affair recently that consisted of 126 calls in one month to a married man almost 20 years older than her. I did not react well when I found out and confronted her and the man she was calling. She says will “give me no false hope” that we even have a chance at reconciliation. She feels I am controlling and now is looking back the the beginning of our marriage and blaming me for everything saying she hasn’t been happy for years which is inconsistent with my memories of our past. I feel she is suffering from a midlife crisis, I feel like I don’t even know who she is anymore. The worst thing is that she is always on Pinterest posting pins about divorce and how to get out of an emotionally abusive relationship and finding your “soulmate”. She deserves more she says. I have devoted my life to her and tried to be the best husband as possible. I am not the narcissist she says I am, the counselor I am seeing has confirmed that, haha. I guess my question is how should I handle someone who is pinning such horrible things? Is it normal for someone going through a midlife crisis to have such hate for their spouse? Do we have any chance?
Dear Chad,
I want you to reread your email. The focus needs to be on you, not your wife.
The best way to handle Pinterest, Facebook, Instagram is unplug from it totally. Don’t mess with that stuff as it only will upset one.
In a separation crisis lots of behaviour is pretty normal.
Let go and LRT! Glad you are in therapy, well done you.
Best Wishes Chad,
Philipa
Hi, I’ve known my wife going on 3 years now. I am 27 and she is 24. We’ve had deep love for one another and had a love baby. We lived together with her parents for one year and got married after our daughters first birthday. It’ll be one year of marriage this May 25. I’ve been a good husband and a really bad one. I’ve committed adultery to her multiple times and she still chose to be with me. The worst one was when she was pregnant and living in America while I was living in the Philippines for school. I got fed up being separated and begged her mom to let me move in because I couldn’t live with the guilt of who else I might sleep with. She’s always struggled to forgive me for my sexual encounters because I’ve slept with a handful of her friends. It caused a lot of pain and anger in her heart. When we moved in together I changed and never sought for another woman, but I fell into selfishness when I thought I was being “selfless.” Slowly I started drinking more alcohol, smoking weed, and ignoring her wants or overlooking when she tried to bring it up. I got different full time jobs being the primary provider for us, switching careers because I was unhappy where I was. She was willing to open credit cards for us and now we’re not too deep, but deff have debt on us. I never forced her into a job, because I know for a fact she can finish her nursing career, which was put on hold because of our baby. One day I got up and wanted to join the Army because of the consistency of income and benefits towards family. The Army has taken care of us extremely well, but the separation and her feeling that she’s alone raising our daughter now really put her in a huge state of depression. For months she contemplated on killing herself, daydreaming of dying and wishing it would all go away, but she couldn’t bring herself to it because she loves our daughter. Further down the road we got into a big argument, which was over something stupid and not that serious, but she made a fake Tinder account. She matched with a medical doctor in SF and he was a real genuine guy, but never knew the truth about her. I came home from duty for 30 days when I broke my collarbone in Airborne training and she called him the day before saying she will be super busy. Nearing the last 2 weeks of my leave, I found an email she was about to send to a friend asking advice on her “friends with benefits relationship.” With much hesitation I confronted her and she told me about her sexual affair that was on going at least 5 times. She started to really like him and wanted to try something with him. I called the man and confronted him about my wife, he was an honest and genuine man and came clean and basically told me that he wont get involved because he couldn’t live with himself if we broke up because of him. But he was telling her that “she needs to make a decision.” Recently she told me that she is wanting a divorce, she’s been looking into it. She has no more love for me, romantically, but wants to be best friends and always share an opportunity for me to grow with my daughter. I’m about to move into a new duty station in a few weeks and she has agreed that she will move with me, but only if we don’t act as a “we.” In her mindset she wants to finish a free program offered to spouses of military members which takes 9 months. Lately I’ve discarded all of self centeredness, I’ve given her almost 90% of my paycheck to share, which I barely did before, I’ve stopped trying to say I love you or force any love on her. I’m trying to be more of a best friend and supporter and I haven’t stopped praying everyday for God to help fix this marriage. I feel as my life is changing because I honestly don’t do all the old things I used to do. I keep myself busy with exercising and picking up the harmonica. I don’t call her as often and more, even to pray at night, but she calls me to let me see my daughter every now and then or sends me videos of her. Am I doing this right? What else should I work on. Patience, kindness, and diligence into my faith is all I focus on. My heart won’t let me give up on us, but I am prepared to accept whatever God’s Will would be. Thank you for your time and reading this all the way through.
Dear Jesse,
thanks for your openness and honesty.
Yes I am all for hope and kindness. I am impressed you are beginning to take responsibility for your behaviour in acting out in the marriage. Given this stuff has happened over years it certainly will take patience and sustained behaviour change. Being a good loving and supportive parent is top of my list and I would guarantee your wife’s list too. You are both good people, who have almost lost each other. Look for an IMago therapist in your locality. Ask if your wife would be willing.
As you said lately you have discarded your selfishness – you will have to keep this up 110% for the rest of time. Good luck and grow into the man, person, partner and father you would cherish.
Please keep us posted.
Good luck soldier!
Cheers PHilipa
Hi! My Name is Melvin. My wife and I have been married for almost 6 years now. Over the last two years we have been distant. Our sex life over the last two years is extremely sad. We have had sex 5 times in two years and no other contact at all sexually. Believe me I have tried but there has always been some reason why she don’t want to. Well this led to my emotional affair if that is what you want to call it. I am a carpenter and did some work for a lady. All went well then she wanted more work done, gave her the price and she said we can work that price down someway and I told her no because I already gave her a great price. This led to the lady to send me nude photos of her and asking if this would help. I still said no but the pictures where nice. Well the sexting began. We sexted for about 2 months until I couldn’t handle what I was doing and felt really guilty. So I blocked her after telling her this was not right. The thing is that I was not even attracted to her, really. I just felt the attention I wasn’t getting at home and let it get the best of me. Well after ending it my wife did some snooping, she felt something was wrong. She found that I have been texting this lady late at night. She printed out the proof of the texts and presented me with them. I broke down right away and told her what went on. She was upset, of course. Well she wanted me to hand over my phone so she can read them and see the photos. I did not let her because I was already ashamed of my behavior and felt horriable for hurting her. I told her that I could not allow her to see them because I already did enough damage and wanted to prevent her from more hurt. There was no reason to let her see them. So she never got to see them and then a week later my phone broke and had to get a new one and now they are gone forever.
Well we where working on us and she didn’t think it was helping. A week ago she told me she wanted a divorce and then two days ago she filed for divorce. I did try to talk with her about why it happened but it didn’t help. She told me she has been thinking about divorce for a year and a half. That crushed me. I had no idea she was thinking that way. My job is extremely stressful and after I get of work I’m beat and want to relax for at least 15 minutes when I get home but she has always gave me shit about that. I still can’t understand that. She said that my attitude and anger has lead her to this and the sexting was the icing on the cake. But never did she lead on to me that she was thinking of leaving me. We have two young children 1 and a half and 3 and a half and my son from another relationship that is 11. Before we had our kids together she was all about my son but when we had our two sons she grew apart from my son and started treating him different. What is messed up to me is that she was thinking about leaving at the time we had our second child. My sextingbis the first time I have ever done that to her or anyone. We still live together and before reading this I have already started these steps kind of. Did a few no no’s that you mention but not doing that anymore. I really love my wife and really believe we can work this out but it seems like she is dead set on the divorce. She keeps saying sorry but she made her decision. She has said that to everyone she has talked to about this. I question if I should even try to save this because she has never said sorry to me for any kind of argument that she started, I always would have to or she would just not talk to me till I did. Trust I made a point not to say sorry before but had to after two weeks of her treating me bad but I love her. We both have our problems and need to work on them but I feel she thinks I’m the problem and she’s fine. I really don’t want the divorce but can’t control it. So I am going to go full gusto into changing myself for me and my kids and hope before the judge smacks the hammer she will change her mind but I don’t think she will. This is the worst pain I ya e ever been thru and need some guidance. Thanks!
Dear Melvin,
wow sounds like it’s been a bit of sheet storm for you there.
I may not surprise you now that the average person who hands over the divorce papers has spent between 1-2 years thinking about it. Let this be a heads up for those who have heard the D word, your relationship is in dire straits and you need to listen to your partner – without defense or justification. Not easy to do mind.
Melvin – sorry to be blunt but I think you are being bloody minded here. You can’t chose to fight each battle only to lose the war. Get over the sorry thing.
As you say you both have problems. And how long have you tried to change her? Let me ask this has it worked? I dare say not. So the good news is you can change you.
This crisis in your relationship present you with a ground zero. Not an easy place but this can be the start of a new area.
So sorry this is the worst pain you have been through.
Melvin let go of the outcome – I know this is a tough thing to do. This is where the LRT comes in apprentice yourself to it and use it like your guidebook.
Take it as easy as you can, in this tough time.
Best Wishes PHilipa
Melvin
I have been married for 20 years this year my wife caught me using porn a few back and went crazy at me. We passed this stage but always got brought up after she had a drink. Anyway a few days ago I put a explicit comment on a social media picture of a girl In a nurses uniform this was a random pic and don’t know the girl. And someone had seen comment screen shot it and sent it my wife who now wants a divorce and is looking for a place on her own I hope this can work for me.
Dear Darren,
porn use is best discussed about what works for you both. Your wife has not passed this stage. You must address this together. Or it will fester, whoops sorry it has blown up there I read.
And Darren – what are you doing putting explicit comment on social media? Are you mad?!
This stuff always seems to come to light. I have to ask would you – I wonder would you consider that your internet porn use and curiosity has negatively affected your relationship.
Personally I don’t like porn, it avoids intimacy and connection. But it is up to the individual and couple to work that out between them. I’m certainly not judging you – however it seems to be an issue for the relationship you have been in.
I appreciate your honesty in sharing this with us on the LRT Blog.
Hope it improves for you there,
Best Wishes,
Philipa