A Psychologist Shares the Small Moments That Make Or Break Love

A psychologist shares how its the small moments that make or break a relationship - couple with backs turned away looking at their phones

The fate of a relationship is usually decided in passing moments. Not in anniversaries, declarations, or dramatic turning points, but in everyday exchanges of attention, tone, and care.

What years of clinical work reveal

When couples sit down with me, they often search for the event that caused the distance.

They expect something obvious.

Yet more often, the story sounds like this:

One person tried to talk, and the other was distracted with their phone.
Excitement met indifference.
Vulnerability met with impatience.
A bid for comfort and support landed nowhere.

Nothing catastrophic.
Just repetition that leads to disconnection.

Love rarely collapses in a single day. It thins gradually when partners stop feeling met.

Why do these moments carry so much power?

Humans are wired for responsiveness. When a reach for connection is answered warmly, the body settles. Safety registers. Trust accumulates.

When the reach is missed, uncertainty grows.

A relationship is built from thousands of these exchanges. The pattern becomes the climate. The climate becomes the story partners tell themselves about being together.

What is it that thriving couples do differently?

They are not more sophisticated. They are more responsive to each other regularly.

They look up.
They pause.
They ask another question.
They repair quickly after missteps.

Simple behaviours, repeated often, create emotional security.

What are the early warning signs most people miss?

Disconnection rarely announces itself loudly at first.

It appears as reduced curiosity.
A flatter tone. More time out.
Less turning towards.

This is the moment to act, long before resentment hardens.

This is the most useful question you can ask tonight

When my partner reached for me today, what did they receive from me?

Blame is not the aim. Awareness is.

Once you notice, you regain influence.

What partners report when they shift this

Change tends to be gentle.

We are kinder.
We recover faster.
I feel closer again.

Not fireworks.
Stability.

And stability is what allows affection to grow.

A practice that works in real homes

Next time your partner speaks, let there be a visible moment of arrival as you:

Turn your body.
Meet their eyes.
Respond with interest and curiosity.

You are communicating value.

Why dependability is deeply romantic

Intensity is exciting, but unpredictability is exhausting.

Knowing someone will be there, again and again, is what makes closeness sustainable.

Reliable connection is the soil romance grows in.

Frequently asked questions

Is something this small truly influential?
Yes. Repeated responsiveness reshapes how safe people feel with each other.

What if I am making the effort alone?
One partner’s shifting behaviour often softens the relational atmosphere. If progress stalls, support can help both people re-engage.

Do gestures and surprises still matter?
They are meaningful when built on everyday contact. Novelty keeps up excitement energy.

Reflections

Every interaction moves a relationship slightly towards closeness or distance. You can choose –

Notice the direction.

Choose it deliberately.

If you would value guidance in strengthening these moments together, you can learn more about our couples programs from our Imago Speciality Program Getting the Love You Want Weekend workshop.

For therapists considering referring individuals or couples they are seeing to couples therapy

Clinicians often tell me they want somewhere safe to send couples for structured relationship education, knowing those clients will be supported and then returned to ongoing care.

Our Imago Getting the Love workshop is designed to complement therapy, not replace it.

Couples gain practical skills in emotional responsiveness, communication, and repair. They return back to youwith shared language, clearer insight, and renewed motivation, which often accelerates progress in individual or couple sessions.

Many referring practitioners notice:

✔ improved stability between sessions
✔ reduced escalation
✔ greater accountability from both partners
✔ more productive therapeutic conversations

If you are supporting couples who need experiential learning in addition to insight, this couples intensive workshop can provide a valuable bridge.

You are always welcome to reach out to discuss whether a couple is suitable.

What makes or breaks love in a relationship?

Love is strengthened or weakened in everyday interactions. When partners respond to each other with attention, warmth, and interest, emotional safety grows. When bids for connection are repeatedly ignored or dismissed, distance develops. Over time, these small moments shape the future of the relationship.

Can small behaviours really change a relationship?

Yes. Consistent responsiveness influences how secure partners feel with one another. Even brief moments of eye contact, listening, or gentle acknowledgement can rebuild trust when practised regularly.

What is a bid for connection?

A bid for connection is any small attempt to gain a partner’s attention, support, or closeness. It might be sharing a thought, asking for help, making a joke, or reaching for touch. Turning towards these bids strengthens intimacy.

Why do couples drift apart?

Drift often occurs when partners stop responding to each other’s small emotional signals. The lack of acknowledgement accumulates, leading to feelings of loneliness, misunderstanding, and disconnection.

How can couples reconnect quickly?

Start by noticing moments when your partner reaches for you. Pause, turn towards them, and respond with curiosity or care. Repeating this pattern creates momentum towards closeness.

Practical steps to begin to be the change you want to see

Notice one bid for connection.
Respond warmly.
Repeat tomorrow and the next day.
Allow momentum to build. Smile more, share appreciation and kindness.

Small actions. Lasting difference. 💛

Thank you, beautiful people,

With love and Light Philipa and Chris

What Is a Silent Divorce? Insights From Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban’s Separation

The separation of Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban after almost twenty years together has sparked global attention. Some of us may be shocked, disappointed, and others may say the writing was on the wall. While celebrity stories often focus on glamour or scandal, as a couple’s psychologist, I see something deeper: the universal dynamics of love, loss, and how relationships evolve.

Imago Relationship Therapy offers a powerful lens here. It teaches that we are drawn to partners who mirror both our childhood love and our deepest hurts. These unconscious dynamics provide enormous growth potential but can also create tension. Through this perspective, their separation offers lessons we can all learn from.

Separation as evolution is not ending

Media reports describe this as a “strategic separation” rather than a divorce. We can guess this is simply a tactic to handle marriage breakdown in a public arena by being in control of the messaging. Wise move. In Imago terms, this framing suggests an attempt to move beyond unconscious patterns into a more conscious decision about what the relationship needs. By speaking of evolution, they reduce shame and keep the door open for future possibilities.

Public image versus private vulnerability

For years, the couple’s red-carpet affection may have contrasted with unspoken struggles behind the scenes. Big careers, time apart, and disconnection, living parallel lives.

This mirrors how many couples, not only celebrities, present a strong public face while silently suffering. This is the couple where you would say they seemed so good, so loving, we never saw that coming. Imago reminds us that real intimacy happens when masks drop and partners meet each other with honesty and empathy, not performance.

Life stage and accumulated pressures

After nearly two decades, pressures from careers, parenting teenagers, and personal transitions, grief and loss often converge. In Imago, we understand this as a natural stage, the move from romantic love into the power struggle, and then, if embraced, into a conscious relationship of deeper love. The key is whether couples choose to engage with these challenges or retreat from them.

Communication and unmet needs

“I need space” often signals unmet needs that have not been voiced or heard. It’s the escape hatch to stepping further away from a marriage. Without safe dialogue, partners may turn to silence, and withdraw to survive. A lonely existence. Imago Dialogue, with its emphasis on mirroring, validation, and empathy, offers a way back to being truly heard. Without it, distance replaces intimacy.

Silent divorce: when connection fades without words

Some couples separate with drama. Others drift apart quietly. The Kidman Urban separation has been framed as respectful and intentional, but it could also be seen as a kind of silent divorce – when disconnection builds slowly, with little outward conflict, until the bond quietly dissolves.

A silent divorce can be harder to notice than open fighting. Partners may live parallel lives, whilst they avoid conflict, the price paid is avoiding intimacy.

The absence of arguments does not mean health. It may mean both have stopped hoping to be understood. A death knell in romantic relationships.

The good news is that silence is not irreversible. If couples recognise it early, therapy can help them reintroduce dialogue and rediscover the desire to connect.

The first step is breaking the silence. This takes courage. How can Imago Relationship Therapy help? Imago counsellors assist couples in coaching tried, and true communication skills that get to the heart of the issues.

Family, dignity, and legacy

With two daughters, their separation highlights the importance of modelling dignity. Children learn about love, conflict, and repair from what they observe. Even if a couple does not stay together, they can show that endings need not be destructive. Respectful separation can create a legacy of care rather than bitterness. Children are the passengers in this and don’t get a choice. So it’s vital to share age appropriately and shift to co-parenting strategies of support.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is a silent divorce?

A silent divorce is when partners slowly disconnect emotionally, often without fighting or dramatic conflict. They may appear fine to others, but feel lonely and unheard inside the relationship.

Why do long-term marriages end?

Long-term marriages often end due to accumulated stresses: career demands, parenting, identity changes, or unspoken needs. Inability to share beyond complaint, forgotten fun, lack of novelty, those surprises which remind us of our special bond, and emotional loneliness are what I have seen and heard in my office. Over time, the distance can grow until separation feels like the only option. Or there’s a bombshell, like an affair, that goes off in the relationship.

How can couples avoid a silent divorce?

The key is intentional communication. Couples need safe ways to voice needs, frustrations, and longings before silence takes over. Approaches like Gottman, EFT, and Imago Dialogue help partners listen deeply and reconnect to unmet needs. A relationship coach can guide you beyond frustration patterns toward a fulfilling partnership.

Is separation always negative?

Not necessarily. For some couples, separation provides breathing space to reflect and reset. If there are children involved, there will be an ongoing connection. For others, it allows each partner to grow individually while still honouring the relationship’s history.

How can therapy help during separation?

Couples Therapy provides a structured and compassionate space to reduce blame, shame, lower barriers of protective parts, express emotions, and explore choices. Couples may use this time to repair and recommit, or to separate respectfully with clarity and care. Individual therapy can assist in learning and healing from the break-up whilst holding on to your dignity.

Reflections

The Kidman Urban separation reminds us that relationships are not static. They are living systems that require dialogue, intention, and care. 19 years for a successful celebrity couple like Nicol and Keith is a testament to their love and I would guess hard work in and on their relationship, no doubt with professional support along the way.

Whether couples stay together or part ways, the goal is not perfection but authenticity of self, meeting each other with empathy, compassion, and if necessary, choosing to separate with dignity.

With Love and light,

Philipa.

P.S. Don’t leave it too late, reach out to repair today and book your appointment with Chris or me.

Why the Betrayed Partner Feels Stuck

Understanding Post‑Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD) Through a Resource Therapy Lens

After infidelity, many betrayed partners report feeling paralysed, emotionally frozen between fear, longing, rage, and grief. This experience is often misunderstood as simply being “unable to move on.”

In reality, it reflects deep psychological trauma, increasingly recognised as Post‑Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD).

Using a parts-based framework, such as Resource Therapy (Emmerson, 2014), we can make sense of this stuckness, and offer compassionate, targeted strategies for healing.

What Is Post‑Infidelity Stress Disorder?

Post‑Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD) is a non-diagnostic term originally coined by clinical psychologist Dennis Ortman to describe PTSD-like symptoms experienced after discovering infidelity (as cited in Gupta, 2023). While not recognised in the DSM-5, PISD has gained traction among therapists and betrayed partners as a meaningful way to understand the intense emotional trauma that can follow a relational betrayal.

Symptoms of PISD often mirror those of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and may include:

Hypervigilance and scanning for danger
Emotional reactivity or shutdown
Nightmares or mental replays
Anxiety, confusion, and numbness
Difficulty regulating trust—even in future relationships

These are not overreactions. They are survival responses from parts of the self trying to protect against further emotional injury (Emmerson, 2014; Gupta, 2023; Mays, 2023).

The Resource Therapy Perspective: Who’s on Deck?

In Resource Therapy, these trauma responses are understood as the voices of different Resource States—distinct personality parts that step forward to manage overwhelming emotional experiences.

For example:

The hypervigilant part may be a Retro Protector State constantly scanning for betrayal to prevent more pain.
The confused or foggy part may be a Vaded in Confusion State, frozen in endless loops of “Why did this happen?”
The collapsed or despairing part may be a Vaded in Rejection or Fear State, reliving past attachment injuries.

Each part has a role, a voice, and a need. When these parts are unacknowledged or unsupported, they dominate the inner world—leaving the person feeling overwhelmed, stuck, and emotionally hijacked.

Why the Tug-of-War Feels Impossible

One of the most painful patterns in betrayal trauma is the internal push-pull between:

“I want to stay, rebuild, and feel loved again…”
“I cannot trust them or feel safe anymore.”

In Resource Therapy, we understand this as either:

A Conflicted State, where two opposing Resource States are active at the same time—one pushing for reconnection, the other retreating in fear or anger
Or a Vaded in Confusion State, where a part is paralysed in uncertainty and emotional fog, looping endlessly through “Why?”

These States cannot be “thought out of” with logic. They require part-specific access, emotional witnessing, and therapeutic relief (Emmerson, 2014).

When Early Attachment Wounds Reactivate

Infidelity rarely exists in a vacuum. For many, it reactivates older attachment injuries—from inconsistent parenting, abandonment, conditional love, or emotional neglect. These early wounds get stirred up, making the betrayal feel existential (Johnson, 2019; Levine & Heller, 2010).

Resource Therapy allows us to identify and work with the exact part that holds those early experiences. That part can be accessed, heard, and updated with new corrective experiences—creating genuine healing repair, not just coping.

Hypervigilance Is Not “Crazy”—It’s Protective

Betrayal often leads to a surge in behaviours like:

Checking phones, emails, or locations
Replaying conversations
Watching for signs of micro-expression shifts or tone changes

These behaviours are sometimes labelled as “controlling” or “irrational.” But in Resource Therapy, we recognise these as the actions of Retro States—protector parts doing their best to avoid being blindsided again (Emmerson, 2014).

This is not pathology—it is protection.

The Physical Cost of Betrayal Trauma

Betrayal does not just affect the mind—it shows up in the body. A 2024 study found that individuals who experienced infidelity were significantly more likely to report long-term physical symptoms such as:

Migraines
Cardiovascular strain
Gastrointestinal issues
Sleep disruption
Increased inflammatory responses (Oh & Hoy, 2024)

Even with strong external support, these physical manifestations can persist if the inner Resource States holding trauma are not accessed and treated.

Healing Is Possible—When the Right Part Is Heard

Traditional talk therapy may not reach the part of the self carrying the pain. This is where Resource Therapy offers a unique and effective solution.

Rather than working generically, RT provides part-specific, trauma-informed access:

Vivify the part that needs help
Bridge to the original wound or belief
Express safely and fully
Update the part with new resolution
Anchor the person back in conscious control and present-day safety

When the right part is seen and heard, the stuckness begins to shift. Integration replaces paralysis. Peace becomes possible.

You Are Not Broken—You Are Carrying Too Much

If you are a betrayed partner, know this: the way you feel makes sense. You are not weak. You are not overreacting. Your Resource parts are working hard to protect you.

And if you are a therapist, Resource Therapy gives you the tools to guide this healing journey with clarity, safety, and profound results.

🛋️ Want to Help Clients Heal After Betrayal?

Join the Clinical Resource Therapy Training
📅 Starts 31 August 2025 – Online
👩‍⚕️ With Philipa Thornton, Psychologist & RTI President
🌐 www.resourcetherapy.com.au

📚 References

Emmerson, G. J. (2014). Resource Therapy Primer, Old Golden Point Press.

Freyd, J. J. (1996). Betrayal trauma: The logic of forgetting childhood abuse. Harvard University Press.

Gupta, S. (2023, November 15). Post-infidelity stress disorder: Symptoms, causes, and coping. VeryWell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/post-infidelity-stress-disorder-6374057

Gunther, R. (2017, September 29). How infidelity causes post-traumatic stress disorder. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201709/how-infidelity-causes-post-traumatic-stress-disorder

Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. Guilford Press.

Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love. TarcherPerigee.

Mays, M. (2023). The betrayal bind: How to heal when the one you love the most hurts you the worst. Central Recovery Press.

Oh, V. Y. S., & Hoy, E. Q. W. (2024, May 10). Being cheated on is linked to lasting health problems, study shows. PsyPost. https://www.psypost.org/new-infidelity-research-shows-being-cheated-on-is-linked-to-lasting-health-problems

Tag: couples therapy