Month: August 2025

Engaged? Taylor & Travis just did it—here’s how to make your “yes” last

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce just announced their engagement 💍—cue the glitter, champagne, and endless playlists. If you’re newly engaged, too, congratulations! It’s a magical time, but let’s be honest: planning a wedding can bring as much stress as sparkle.

That’s where Imago Relationship Therapy gives you tools to laugh more, fight less, and grow a marriage that lasts.

At Marriage Works, we believe love lives in the everyday moments—what we call Love in the Real World. Here’s a playful guide to get started.

Talk so love doesn’t get lost in the planning

Wedding chat can turn tense fast (hello, guest lists 🙃). Imago dialogue slows things down so both of you feel heard:

  1. Mirror: “I hear you saying…”
  2. Validate: “That makes sense or I can understand …”
  3. Empathise: “I imagine you might be feeling…”

✨ Try this tonight: Pick one tiny topic (cake flavour, song choice) and practise the three steps. If you end up laughing—bonus points.

Zero negativity (ZNP) = maximum fun

Stress brings snark. Imago’s Zero Negativity Pact helps keep it kind.
Swap: “You never help!”
For: “Would you be willing to call the florist by Friday?”

✨ Couple cue: If negativity sneaks in, one of you says, “Reset?” and you both start fresh.

Small rituals, big connection

Engagement isn’t just planning—it’s practice for the life ahead. Build mini-rituals now:

  • Daily appreciation: one thing you love about your partner (tiny and specific). E.g. I love you, bring me coffee in the morning, you are so thoughtful.
  • Weekly check-in: 30 minutes on connection, logistics, and dreams. E.g. What wins did we have this week? How can we celebrate?
  • Stretching: do one thing that matters to your partner—even if it’s not your style. (Yes, slow dancing in the kitchen counts 💃🕺.)

Why start before the wedding?

Because wedding stress is like a training ground. If you can practise dialogue, zero negativity, and tiny rituals now, you’ll be better prepared for the everyday joys (and bumps) of married life.

💌 Want more?

  • Join our newsletter Love in the Real World for bite-sized inspiration, real stories, and practical tips to keep your relationship thriving.

Getting the Love You Want: A Psychologist’s Journey Into One of the World’s Most Transformative Relationship Workshops

After decades of working as a psychologist, couples therapist, and trainer, I thought I had seen it all when it came to helping people reconnect. Then I experienced the Getting the Love You Want weekend Imago couples workshop. It was unlike anything I had ever encountered: powerful, practical, and deeply moving, and it changed the way I think about relationships, both in my professional work, and in my marriage.

Grounded in Imago Relationship Theory, and Therapy, this internationally acclaimed program is not only for romantic couples. It is equally powerful for therapists, friends, colleagues, parent–adult child pairs, and adult siblings anyone who wants to communicate more effectively, understand each other more deeply, and build a relationship that lasts.

Where it all Began – A Love Story with Challenges

The Getting the Love You Want workshop was created by Dr Harville Hendrix, and Dr Helen LaKelly Hunt in the late 1980s. Their vision grew from both professional expertise, and personal crisis.

At one point, Helen, and Harville’s marriage was on the brink of collapse. They had even flown to New York to tell their children they were divorcing. Before meeting them, they wandered into a bookstore. That chance moment sparked deep conversations about love, safety, and connection. From that turning point, they developed the concepts and practices that became Imago Relationship Therapy (Hendrix & Hunt, 2017).

Meeting Helen in Las Vegas

A few years ago, I had the privilege of meeting Helen at the Imago International Conference in Las Vegas. She shared that story with me in person, and her openness, humour, and hope struck me. Hearing directly from one of the founders reminded me that Imago is not just a therapy model. It is a lived experience, forged in the fire of real-life relationships.

From Pain to a Global Movement

Since its creation, Imago Relationship Therapy has grown into a worldwide movement helping couples, families, and communities. In recent years, Helen, and Harville have refined their work into the 5Rs framework, a clear roadmap for creating and sustaining safe, connected relationships (Hendrix & Hunt, 2021).

The 5Rs: a Roadmap for Re-Connection

When you attend the workshop, you are guided through five key steps:

  1. Re-Commit – Making a conscious choice to invest in your relationship.
  2. Re-Image – Seeing each other with fresh eyes, free from past assumptions.
  3. Re-Structure – Learning the Intentional Dialogue, a structured way to speak and listen without defensiveness.
  4. Re-Romanticise – Rebuilding joy, appreciation, and playfulness.
  5. Re-Vision – Creating a shared vision for the future you both want.

Each step is practised in real time with your partner, colleague, or family member, so you leave not just inspired but equipped with tools you can use immediately. The bonus of having your personal workshop manual to refer to post-workshop is undeniable.

Common Fears

Many people hesitate before attending, wondering:

  • Will we have to share personal details in front of strangers?
    No. This is not group therapy. All personal work happens privately in your pair.
  • Is group sharing mandatory?
    No. Group sharing is optional and focuses on insights, not private stories.
  • What if we argue?
    The safety and structure of the Intentional Dialogue mean reactive patterns are stopped before they spiral. Our team will be there to assist you. You don’t have to go it alone.

While you work privately, seeing others practise can be inspiring. Many participants say that witnessing another pair’s courage helps them believe change is possible in their relationship.

Each step is practised in real time with your partner, colleague or family member, so you leave not only inspired but also equipped with practical tools you can start using straight away. You will also take home your own workshop manual, a valuable resource you can return to again and again to keep building your connection long after the workshop ends.

Is it Only for Couples?

While many people attend with their romantic partner, the workshop is equally powerful for:

  • Therapists attending with a colleague for professional development
  • Parent, and adult child pairs
  • Adult siblings
  • Friends or business partners wanting a deeper understanding and improved communication

Why this Work Matters to Me

As psychologists, and as a married couple, Chris, and I do not just teach relational skills; we use them. The Getting the Love You Want tools have helped us navigate differences, dramas, disconnects, deepen our understanding, and stay connected through the ups and downs of life.

Attending this weekend workshop with Chris years ago was so powerful, I am now on the journey to becoming a certified Getting the Love You Want Workshop presenter. My goal is to share this life-changing work with couples, families, and colleagues here in Australia soon.

Be the First to Know

If you are curious about the Getting the Love You Want workshop and would like to be the first to hear when I offer it, you can join my mailing list here for updates. I would love to one day meet you and share this wonderful journey with you.

References

Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. L. (2017). Doing Imago relationship therapy in the space-between: A clinician’s guide. Routledge.


Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. L. (2019). Getting the love you want: A guide for couples (20th anniversary ed.). St. Martin’s Griffin.


Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. L. (2021). The space between: The 5Rs of safe and connected relationships. Penguin.


Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. Guilford Press.


Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (2nd ed.). Harmony.


Tatkin, S. (2016). Wired for love: How understanding your partner’s brain and attachment style can help you defuse conflict and build a secure relationship. New Harbinger.

🧠 Why Deep Brain Reorienting Shifted Me Away From Polyvagal Theory

A psychologist’s reflection on the next evolution in trauma therapy

For years, I felt deeply aligned with Polyvagal Theory.
Stephen Porges’ work gave language to something many of us intuitively sensed in our clients: that trauma lives in the body. It offered a compassionate, neurobiological framework for understanding collapse, freeze, and our innate drive for safety. As a psychologist and trauma therapist, I found it invaluable.

But over time, something didn’t quite sit right.

Despite the framework and all the beautiful somatic tools, some clients weren’t shifting. They could explain their nervous system states, name when they were in dorsal vagal shutdown or sympathetic activation, and yet the core trauma imprint remained untouched.

They were working hard. I was working hard. But something was missing.

That’s when I discovered Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR).

✨ What DBR Showed Me That Polyvagal Theory Didn’t

DBR, developed by Scottish psychiatrist Dr Frank Corrigan (2017), is a neurophysiological trauma therapy that focuses on the moment of orienting that split-second reflex in the brainstem when the body turns its attention to something new, often unexpected.

In trauma, this orienting response is interrupted. The body tenses. The system prepares. Then something happens neglect, betrayal, pain, and the natural sequence is never completed. The emotion arrives before the body is ready.
The result is a neurological imprint: stuck, unfinished, and often beneath conscious awareness.

Corrigan’s model reframes fragmentation as an adaptive survival strategy rather than pathology. “Parts” develop to protect against overwhelming threat and attachment trauma. Through a neurobiological lens, he shows how subcortical orienting and defence systems including the brainstem, periaqueductal grey, and amygdala, drive dissociative phenomena, and how high-arousal procedural memory underpins many trauma symptoms. This understanding shifts the focus from story to sequence.

From a treatment perspective, Corrigan advocates prioritising safety, titration, and bottom-up processing. Rather than pushing clients into narrative exposure, the work involves tracking orienting reflexes and micro-movements until the nervous system can complete what it could not finish at the time of trauma. This approach aligns perfectly with DBR and explains why it reaches places other methods cannot.

Polyvagal Theory tells us: “We must help the body feel safe to regulate.”
DBR shows us: “We must help the body complete the sequence to heal.”

This isn’t just a theoretical difference.

Working with DBR, I began to understand that what’s often labelled as dysregulation or shutdown isn’t only about vagal tone. It’s an incomplete processing loop in the subcortical regions of the brain. It is pre-emotional, pre-narrative, and pre-interpretive.

And in session, when clients stay present with the orienting tension often felt in the forehead, eyes, jaw, neck or spine, we can gently help the system finish what it started. When that happens, the emotional charge dissolves. The trauma unwinds and processes naturally with the deep brain’s wisdom. There’s nothing to reframe, because there’s nothing left to process. Refreshingl,y clients often end the session with a new perspective on themselves aligning well with the work of Bruce Ecker (2012) on memory reconsolidation.

🧩 Why I No Longer Lead With Polyvagal Theory

I still value Polyvagal Theory. It opened the door to body-based work for many therapists and brought needed attention to the role of the autonomic nervous system in trauma.

But DBR has taken me, and my clients, deeper.

Here’s why I now lead with DBR:

  • It targets the origin of the trauma sequence, not just the symptoms
  • It bypasses narrative, allowing direct access to the body’s healing intelligence
  • It works at the subcortical level, before survival responses
  • The results are profound. Clients often say, “I didn’t know that was still in me, but now it’s gone”

As Corrigan, Fisher, and Nutt (2021) describe, trauma resolution isn’t about accessing memory content. It’s about restoring the sequence: orienting → affect → resolution. When that sequence is interrupted, no amount of insight or reprocessing will touch the core.

🧭 From Maps to Territory

Polyvagal Theory gave us a valuable map of the nervous system.
But DBR feels like the territory.

As a trauma psychologist, I care deeply about ethical, effective, and embodied healing.
I believe our work must remain curious, evidence-informed, and responsive to what the body needs — not just what our models tell us to look for.

DBR has shifted my clinical compass. It has helped me work more precisely with complex trauma, dissociation, and preverbal imprints.
I’ve never seen anything else reach so far beneath the surface with such gentle precision and long-term results.

📚 References

Corrigan, F. (2017). Personality fragmentation and complex trauma: A new perspective. London: Karnac Books.
Reframes fragmentation as adaptive, explains subcortical mechanisms such as the brainstem, periaqueductal grey, and amygdala, and advocates for safety, titration, and bottom-up processing in complex trauma work.

Corrigan, F., Fisher, J., & Nutt, D. (2021). Neurobiology and treatment of traumatic dissociation: Toward an embodied self. Cham: Springer.

Ecker, B., Ticic, R., & Hulley, L. (2012). Unlocking the emotional brain: Eliminating symptoms at their roots using memory reconsolidation. New York: Routledge.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. New York: W. W. Norton.

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Why the Betrayed Partner Feels Stuck

Understanding Post‑Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD) Through a Resource Therapy Lens

After infidelity, many betrayed partners report feeling paralysed, emotionally frozen between fear, longing, rage, and grief. This experience is often misunderstood as simply being “unable to move on.”

In reality, it reflects deep psychological trauma, increasingly recognised as Post‑Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD).

Using a parts-based framework, such as Resource Therapy (Emmerson, 2014), we can make sense of this stuckness, and offer compassionate, targeted strategies for healing.

What Is Post‑Infidelity Stress Disorder?

Post‑Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD) is a non-diagnostic term originally coined by clinical psychologist Dennis Ortman to describe PTSD-like symptoms experienced after discovering infidelity (as cited in Gupta, 2023). While not recognised in the DSM-5, PISD has gained traction among therapists and betrayed partners as a meaningful way to understand the intense emotional trauma that can follow a relational betrayal.

Symptoms of PISD often mirror those of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and may include:

  • Hypervigilance and scanning for danger
  • Emotional reactivity or shutdown
  • Nightmares or mental replays
  • Anxiety, confusion, and numbness
  • Difficulty regulating trust—even in future relationships

These are not overreactions. They are survival responses from parts of the self trying to protect against further emotional injury (Emmerson, 2014; Gupta, 2023; Mays, 2023).

The Resource Therapy Perspective: Who’s on Deck?

In Resource Therapy, these trauma responses are understood as the voices of different Resource States—distinct personality parts that step forward to manage overwhelming emotional experiences.

For example:

  • The hypervigilant part may be a Retro Protector State constantly scanning for betrayal to prevent more pain.
  • The confused or foggy part may be a Vaded in Confusion State, frozen in endless loops of “Why did this happen?”
  • The collapsed or despairing part may be a Vaded in Rejection or Fear State, reliving past attachment injuries.

Each part has a role, a voice, and a need. When these parts are unacknowledged or unsupported, they dominate the inner world—leaving the person feeling overwhelmed, stuck, and emotionally hijacked.

Why the Tug-of-War Feels Impossible

One of the most painful patterns in betrayal trauma is the internal push-pull between:

  • “I want to stay, rebuild, and feel loved again…”
  • “I cannot trust them or feel safe anymore.”

In Resource Therapy, we understand this as either:

  • A Conflicted State, where two opposing Resource States are active at the same time—one pushing for reconnection, the other retreating in fear or anger
  • Or a Vaded in Confusion State, where a part is paralysed in uncertainty and emotional fog, looping endlessly through “Why?”

These States cannot be “thought out of” with logic. They require part-specific access, emotional witnessing, and therapeutic relief (Emmerson, 2014).

When Early Attachment Wounds Reactivate

Infidelity rarely exists in a vacuum. For many, it reactivates older attachment injuries—from inconsistent parenting, abandonment, conditional love, or emotional neglect. These early wounds get stirred up, making the betrayal feel existential (Johnson, 2019; Levine & Heller, 2010).

Resource Therapy allows us to identify and work with the exact part that holds those early experiences. That part can be accessed, heard, and updated with new corrective experiences—creating genuine healing repair, not just coping.

Hypervigilance Is Not “Crazy”—It’s Protective

Betrayal often leads to a surge in behaviours like:

  • Checking phones, emails, or locations
  • Replaying conversations
  • Watching for signs of micro-expression shifts or tone changes

These behaviours are sometimes labelled as “controlling” or “irrational.” But in Resource Therapy, we recognise these as the actions of Retro States—protector parts doing their best to avoid being blindsided again (Emmerson, 2014).

This is not pathology—it is protection.

The Physical Cost of Betrayal Trauma

Betrayal does not just affect the mind—it shows up in the body. A 2024 study found that individuals who experienced infidelity were significantly more likely to report long-term physical symptoms such as:

  • Migraines
  • Cardiovascular strain
  • Gastrointestinal issues
  • Sleep disruption
  • Increased inflammatory responses (Oh & Hoy, 2024)

Even with strong external support, these physical manifestations can persist if the inner Resource States holding trauma are not accessed and treated.

Healing Is Possible—When the Right Part Is Heard

Traditional talk therapy may not reach the part of the self carrying the pain. This is where Resource Therapy offers a unique and effective solution.

Rather than working generically, RT provides part-specific, trauma-informed access:

  • Vivify the part that needs help
  • Bridge to the original wound or belief
  • Express safely and fully
  • Update the part with new resolution
  • Anchor the person back in conscious control and present-day safety

When the right part is seen and heard, the stuckness begins to shift. Integration replaces paralysis. Peace becomes possible.

You Are Not Broken—You Are Carrying Too Much

If you are a betrayed partner, know this: the way you feel makes sense. You are not weak. You are not overreacting. Your Resource parts are working hard to protect you.

And if you are a therapist, Resource Therapy gives you the tools to guide this healing journey with clarity, safety, and profound results.

🛋️ Want to Help Clients Heal After Betrayal?

Join the Clinical Resource Therapy Training
📅 Starts 31 August 2025 – Online
👩‍⚕️ With Philipa Thornton, Psychologist & RTI President
🌐 www.resourcetherapy.com.au

📚 References

Emmerson, G. J. (2014). Resource Therapy Primer, Old Golden Point Press.

Freyd, J. J. (1996). Betrayal trauma: The logic of forgetting childhood abuse. Harvard University Press.

Gupta, S. (2023, November 15). Post-infidelity stress disorder: Symptoms, causes, and coping. VeryWell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/post-infidelity-stress-disorder-6374057

Gunther, R. (2017, September 29). How infidelity causes post-traumatic stress disorder. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201709/how-infidelity-causes-post-traumatic-stress-disorder

Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. Guilford Press.

Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love. TarcherPerigee.

Mays, M. (2023). The betrayal bind: How to heal when the one you love the most hurts you the worst. Central Recovery Press.

Oh, V. Y. S., & Hoy, E. Q. W. (2024, May 10). Being cheated on is linked to lasting health problems, study shows. PsyPost. https://www.psypost.org/new-infidelity-research-shows-being-cheated-on-is-linked-to-lasting-health-problems

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