Valentine’s Day can tempt us to ask that scary yet familiar question.
What should I give my partner?
Flowers?
Dinner?
A surprise?
Time away?
But over many years in my therapy room, I’ve noticed something important.
Most partners are not asking for something impressive.
They are asking for something specific.
The mistakes we make
We often offer love in the way we like to receive it.
If we value words, we talk.
If we value gifts, we buy.
If we value touch, we reach.
Meanwhile, our partner may be longing for something entirely different.
To be listened to.
To be prioritised.
To feel chosen.
To feel safe.
When the offering misses the longing, both people can end the day puzzled.
I tried so hard.
So what does your love need?
Usually, it is one of these:
More attention.
More reassurance.
More affection.
More appreciation.
More patience.
Not bigger.
More accurate.
How to discover the answer
Instead of guessing, become curious.
You might ask:
“When do you feel most loved by me?”
“What helps you feel close to me lately?”
“Where do you miss me?”
These are intimate questions.
They open doors far wider than jewellery.
Why this matters
When love lands lightly, partners soften.
Defences lower.
Warmth returns.
Hope increases.
Feeling understood and valued is one of the most powerful romantic experiences available to us.
A beautiful Valentine’s experiment
Today, try loving your partner in the way they recognise love.
Not your default.
Theirs.
It might feel unfamiliar.
It might stretch you.
It will almost certainly matter.
If the answer feels hard to hear
Sometimes partners say:
“I want more of you.”
“I want you less distracted.”
“I want to feel important.”
Tender information.
But also precious guidance.
Because now you know where love can grow.
What successful couples learn
Long-term intimacy is not mind-reading.
It is ongoing discovery.
Partners who stay connected keep updating their understanding of each other. They remain students of the person they love.
Curiosity becomes romance.
Final thoughts
The best gift is not extravagance.
It is accuracy.
It says I know you and what you like and love, because I love you.
If you would like support in learning how to understand each other more deeply, our couples workshops and therapy experiences are designed exactly for this work.
You can explore our premier program, the Getting the Love You Want Workshop, here.
A gentle practice for tonight
✨ Ask the question, or better yet, think back to the clues your loved one has given you. What they love doing, lights them up when they are speaking, the colour they love.
Listen in carefully.
Offer one small, specific response or take action.
That is a powerful beginning. 💛
With Love, wishing you a happy Valentines – Philipa and Chris