Last Resort Technique (LRT) Video Series

4 thoughts on “Last Resort Technique (LRT) Video Series”

1. My husband of 4 years (been together for 6) just moved out last Tuesday and served me with divorce papers all on the same day. I wasn’t aware these things were going to happen. Now our three children and I (10, 8 and 7 months) only have 2 weeks to find a new place to live (the house was owned by his family’s trust). After a couple days of embarrassing behavior, I’ve stopped chasing him and have begin to focus on myself and my children. While he says he still loves me and the children dearly, he just can’t be married to me. There was alcoholism on his part that he is now sober but there was a real struggle for a couple of years in our marriage. I recognize my part in the break-up of our marriage and am making changes to how I react to situations with my PsyD. However, I had a question, he said he likes it when I send photos of the kids, should I continue to send those out like I have always done or stop sending them to him? He is having short frequent visitation of 2 hours every other evening where it’s just like (as my middle one says) the “good olden days” and he joins us for dinner and our regular activities. Am I being too accommodating to him? On top of being the caregiver of the children, I’ve also got a professional full-time job that thankfully allows a ton of flexibility. But it’s all starting to feel like a bit much… I don’t want to be a jerk, I truly enjoy his company with the children and we do have a good time, but I don’t know if I need to pull back more. I’m really just trying to do what’s best for the children here.
   Thanks so much.

   Reply

   1. Dear Lisa,
      thanks for your email. You and your relationship have been through a rough time. Good on your awareness. I am sure your PsyD will be a of use here too.

      I am a big advocate of lots of family time, this is great for bonding and when he leaves he gets to miss all of your company. All the better if you enjoy it and have fun, really lovely. I advise my coaching clients to maintain and say yes to all family time they can work etc permitting. And yes send photo’s of the kids, I mean how fabulous is it when your dad wants to see pictures of your love – children! Wonderful stuff and heartening. So I would keep it up.

      I want everyone who reads this, to know this. Two parents, however, they manage the organization cooperatively (I mean either as coparents or as their spouse) are the best for your children. So work at it guys!
      good luck and my pleasure Lisa.
      Cheers Philipa

      Reply

2. Hi,

   My wife of 10 years, partner for 12, has used the dreaded I love you but don’t know if i’m IN love with you anymore.

   We have two young children 7 & 5 years old

   I work in the Close Protection Industry and I am currently stationed in Kabul.

   Previously i was in the British Military for 15 years.

   I am currently work on a 9 & 3 rotation thats 9 weeks in work and 3 weeks at home.

   We had just celebrated our 10 year anniversary, with a long weekend in Dubai.

   The whole time my wife was on her group chat with her work colleagues, not really wanting to engage with me.

   We did have loads of passionate sex, as you can imagine having not seen each other for 9 weeks.

   But I did ask her why she didn’t want to chat and she replied enjoy the moment and then went back to her group chat.

   When we got back she then spent every night out of the house, at her mums, her sisters and a friends. She then spent Saturday night out on the piss and came back at 5 in the morning really drunk.

   When she sobered I asked what she was playing at to which she replied that she gets freedom when I’m home and doesn’t feel coupes up or trapped.

   I accused her of not wanting to spend time with me and even saying she doesn’t love me.

   I thought we had resolved them issues that following week, so we went out for my birthday and my wife and I had a pretty big bust up, (both drunk, & the first bust up in 3 years) which led to my wife saying she wanted a divorce the very next day.

   That final week at home was like hell but we managed to work through it and as I left my wife assured me we where fine and that space would do us good, we enjoyed each others company that week and made love every night after.

   I couldn’t help but think though that something wasn’t right.

   When I got back to work I did all the things I wasn’t supposed to and chased and text and pursued her, to the point where she told me she loves me but didn’t know if she was in love with me.

   This obviously had the negative effect and made me worse.

   I found this article three days too late.

   We have a family holiday booked in June and she initially said it would do us good, I couldn’t leave it at that though and said I wanted answers to what she had said, to which she kept saying she didn’t know.

   Bare in mind this is all over txt or phone.

   I asked her about her feelings and she explained to me that she imagined me being with someone else to see if it would generate feelings for me and she said it didn’t.

   I asked her if I had said that to her what would she do and she replied that she would walk away.

   So I told her (over the phone it was over) and she initially begged and said no, no, no, please everyones different.

   We didn’t speak for a few days, and I initiated contact and went back on what I said, back peddling, she replied that she had thought about it and was content it was over.

   Cue all the poor techniques I shouldn’t do all over again.

   I then found this article, only two days in and we have had contact initiated by her, purely about the kids.

   But her mum did call me and say that my wife had told people in our family circle that we where separating.

   She has told everyone that matters she doesn’t know what she’s feelings and that she doesn’t know if she loves me the way I love her.

   She has also told me she is having second thoughts about the family holiday and that maybe I should take my mum.

   I am applying the techniques in the LRT article.

   But I would like to hear your opinion on the matter.

   I do know that I am not perfect in all of this, I react instead of responding and can at times have a short temper and end up raising me voice, but this is on the odd occasion.

   regards

   Reply

   1. Dear Tam,
      Reading your email it is clear your relationship has struggled with your work situation.

      I’d risk a bet if you asked your wife how things are for her over the past couple of years. She would respond like she is single or alone. You really need to hear her side if you want to address this, with love, non defensiveness or justification.

      Good on you for finding the LRT. I have worked with folk from military and police backgrounds. It can be a real challenge to move back onto soft mode after being out in the field.

      My best suggestion is for you to address your reactions, short temper and voice raising. Find more appropriate ways to respond when triggered. Therapy – Imago I think is great and the other awesome ones Resource Therapy, EMDR, EFT and the like which address teh cause of the symptoms quickly.

      Wishing you all the best with it soldier,
      Keep up the good work,
      Philipa

      Reply

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