Last updated on July 10th, 2021 at 10:49 am
The Last Resort Technique from the book, The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis, adapted by Philipa Thornton.
When your partner has dropped the proverbial bombshell, “I want a divorce,” you need to move past the devastation into action after the shell shock is over. The Last Resort Technique has been developed by Divorce Busting amazon Michele Weiner-Davis to save your marriage, your sanity, or both.
If you are at the place where you have got nothing to lose, give it a go. If your friend is sharing their sadness and hopelessness with you and needs help with their marriage, please pass this relationship advice on.
The Last Resort Technique
OK, so you have tried everything, exhausted all your options, and feel hopeless and even helpless. Now it is time to use the Last Resort Technique to save your marriage. This relationship boot camp comes with a warning – this is a LAST RESORT.
This needs to start immediately if:
- Your spouse has said in no uncertain terms that they want a divorce and it feels like they mean it. (This can’t be empty words, spoken in anger during a fight.)
- You and your spouse are living apart.
- You and your spouse are in the same house but are like ships passing in the night with very little interaction. You may be in separate rooms, hardly speaking with little or no sexual contact.
- You have the divorce papers in front of you.
Your marriage is at a crisis point. While divorce rates are high, there are relationships that can still survive this vulnerable time and you don’t have to be another statistic. Those rates don’t tell the story of all the many people who beat the odds.
Hold onto the hope I give you here, please!
While no technique is guaranteed to work, there is always some benefit to taking positive action. It’s definitely worth a crack!
I have worked with many clients who were on the brink or in the trauma of an affair. Usually, only one partner is in favour of a divorce and the other spouse who made the call to me is the one who desperately wants to stay together.
If you happen to be the spouse who is keen on holding onto your marriage, it is highly probable that you are not in your usual state of mind and are acting in desperate ways. This very behaviour that you keep doing pushes your partner further away (you are aware of it, but can’t seem to help it!). You have chased, cajoled, reasoned, begged, pleaded, railed, guilt-tripped, and implored your partner to no avail.
All the phone calls, text messages, letters, emails, and heart and gut-wrenching pleas have failed. You sense that your spouse is out the door and a part of you recognises the attempts are felt by him or her as pressure. They will dig their heels in insisting that the marriage is over, and this may prompt another wave of fear and you to chase even more.
It is the effects of this pursuing and chasing that are DEADLY to a marriage.
Blind Freddy can see this is not working. In fact, if you keep pushing your husband or wife, you will be driving them right out the door. As I said, there is a part of you that knows this. But this fearful, scared, vulnerable part of you is making the wrong decisions and making you appear completely desperate and unwelcoming.
Of course, you need to honor the fragile part of you that is in pain and wants to cling on. It is human nature – we all want to hold onto something that is important and dear to us. However, the flip side to our humanity and animal instinct is, the party being chased or even hunted down will feel the need to escape when you coerce or pressure in response to feeling trapped.
If you are truly serious about saving your marriage, you have to stop pursuing. Now!
When you chase your partner, your partner will feel hunted and you become a point of danger on a primal level. What also happens is, the troubles in your failing marriage and eroding family get lost, as you become the vector for anger and hurt.
You see it – your spouse gets frustrated and angry, and the best way for them to deal with this annoyance is to get rid of it. This means their focus shifts to how they can get away from YOU! It is surprising but it is the reality, this will really connect with the part of you that can hear reason.
Indeed, your very persistence is robbing your spouse of valuable time to think about what else is really going on in your life.
People start to do an amazing reframe here and I often hear spouses wondering aloud with things like, “I am not sure I ever really loved him or her.” This is basically due to the suffocation the spouse feels. It becomes a survival issue and you are the danger they need to escape from.
When we are in survival mode, we will go into flight or fight mode. Usually, partners go into anger and aggressiveness (or worse, pity) towards their spouse as a distancing move and part of separating from the distressing situation. When this happens, the angry part blocks any other feelings, like sadness, grief, guilt, and remorse that might cause some reflection and actually help your cause.
With your mate staring angrily at you, what opportunity do they get to look in the mirror, reflect, and take some responsibility for your marital breakdown?
Option A – Keep doing what you are doing and get the same results.
Option B – Quit supplying you wife or husband with a reason to leave.
Oh if it were only that easy. I am asking you to stop doing the very thing that keeps the feeling of powerlessness and helplessness temporarily at bay. But you have to stop this harmful pattern today. I repeat – stop it now, right this very minute.
I am going to give you a specific guide how to stop the landslide of desolation in your marriage today.
Here is your action plan based on The Last Resort Technique:
1. STOP Chasing!
Immediately cease anything that your spouse might look at as pursuing behavior.
This means stopping anything that would be perceived by your spouse as your way of chasing him or her, such as:
- Frequent phone calls, texts, or emails
- Begging your spouse to reconsider
- Describing all the good in your marriage
- Writing letters
- Following your mate around the house (or anywhere – this is stalking!)
- Encouraging talk about the future
- Asking for reassurances
- Buying gifts or flowers
- Planning holidays or trips away together
- Trying to schedule dates together
- Spying on your spouse, keeping tabs on their calls, movements, and work arrangements
- Talking to friends and family about what to do
Stop saying “I love you.” This is essential.
It seems counterintuitive – “How will they know?” I get it, but even though this will be hard, know that every time you say “I love you,” your spouse is reminded that they don’t love you and will be looking the other way!
Scary huh? That is why it is imperative to silence the “I Love You’s”. You already feel how disheartening it is to hear their resigned response of “I know” or worse, still silence. Or the ouch that goes with “I love you, but I am not in love with you.” It hurts, doesn’t it? So, stop the chase.
2. Get a Life.
What happens in a crisis like separation is, we become desperate, clingy, and depressed. You are in tears often, mope around sadly, lose interest in things you used to enjoy, and basically become lifeless as the fearful or rejected part of you shuts you down as a means to cope. Of course, it is normal to feel all those feelings and shut down or want to ease the hurt.
The loss of a loved one and witnessing the falling apart of your family are the most painful times you can ever experience. The separation anxiety and desperation are an ugly place to be in for both of you and for others to see. You will feel and look unattractive – not one of us will be at our best here.
Now, if your relationship has had the trauma of a full blown sexual affair or emotional infidelity, you are competing with not only the fantasy of an ideal life without problems but a person that is in the opposite space of distressed.
Hard to hear, but reality hurts and I say this to the part of you who knows how to pick yourself up after a fall and dust yourself off. Awareness helps and heals.
Here you need to act as if you are moving forward in your life and getting on with it. Otherwise, you better quit now.
Of course, it may seem like I am suggesting an impossibility – get happy, be strong, get back into life, and develop your confidence. You are asking yourself, “How can I do this when I feel like crap, I can hardly function, it’s a miracle getting out of bed each day, and things are horrible at home?” Good question. Obviously, these are normal feelings and you are reacting as any normal person would in such devastating circumstances.
I want to ask you – Is that the core of you? The real you? Or the hurt, scared or angry part getting all the air time?
Because I believe that in the heart of you, your true essence, there is a trooper. That’s right! A part of you at the core can survive this – a part much stronger, mature, more confident, and wiser in dealing with tough situations.
Can I get you to take a moment to get in touch with that part of you right now?
Ask yourself (and you can even write this list down to remind yourself as you come home to yourself), “What was it about ME that my partner was attracted to in the first place?” Allow yourself to remember and really connect to those wonderful parts of yourself.
This is the person your partner fell in love with.
Each of those parts (for reference, please look up Official Resource Therapy Institute for a full description) on your list are valued by your partner but have been sidelined by the hurt and angry parts, whose job is to defend you from attack and the absolute hell you are going through now. Please allow those parts some more air time and a chat with the part of you that is angry, scared, and hurt to negotiate a better way forward.
You are in danger when acting in the victim role of getting typecast and truly become the martyr. Reclaim your life today by reconnecting with your whole self.
Starting Today:
- Immediately start doing things that are out of character to the way you have been acting lately. Move beyond helplessness into action and power.
- Allow your mood to be more upbeat in your spouse’s presence.
- Appear pleased with yourself and your own life.
- On phone conversations, sound content, even bubbly. Don’t sit around waiting for your spouse to call. Get out and do things. Start a new hobby – rock-climbing, tango dancing, needlepoint, ice-skating, and movies. Get busy.
- Start to be unpredictable. Let calls go to voicemail. If you’ve always tried to engage your partner in conversation when they call, visit, or go home, be scarce and short on words.
- Take up opportunities offered by your partner for family time, gracefully, with no expectation of any further.
- Be a great Co-parent no matter what, your kids didn’t choose this.
- If you were in the habit of being detective and grilling your spouse about their whereabouts, ask nothing. Simply wish your partner a good time.
In short, you need to make your partner think you have had an AWAKENING and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
This doesn’t mean you are nasty, angry, or even cold. Reread this point and lock it in Eddy!
It is simply a case of pulling back and waiting to see if your spouse notices and, more importantly, realises what they will be missing.
Be warm and friendly.
Remember this point: Backing off increases your chances of your spouse becoming more interested in you, if you ease off and start doing your own thing.
Noone likes being put under pressure and that’s most likely part of the old relationship pattern.
Another important reason for “getting a life” is, you have stopped having fun and doing things that give you pleasure. At times, we all need to be reminded to find out what makes us feel good in a healthy, respectful way. Find your joy!
Taking care of yourself is one of the best things you can do for yourself and your relationships. Focus on becoming a better person.
Go back to old interests, church, synagogue, or the library. Join a new class at the community college. Play an instrument or get lessons. Contact some old friends, pick up the phone, and connect. Visit a family member. Rise at dawn, go for a walk and watch the sunset. Read poetry, listen to music, play golf, go fishing, camping, do YOGA, go running, or star gazing. Join a meet-up group, go walking, cycling, get a massage, a haircut, find a personal trainer, and get therapy for support.
Do things that will help you get back in touch with yourself, not just because your spouse might like you more if you do (in fact people have a weird sixth sense when things are not genuine) but because it is important to honor, value, and love yourself in a caring healthy and nurturing manner.
You DESERVE it. I know you are worth it.
3. Wait and Watch
According to Michele Weiner-Davis, one of three things will happen when you use her Last Resort Technique:
First, Nothing.
Unfortunately, there are times when the universe just says no and, no matter what you do, your spouse has shut the door on your marriage. It needs to be said that there is no magic bullet. Sometimes, life is just really unfair and we don’t get the things we most want.
Despite not having been able to save your marriage, there will be a secondary gain from applying the Last Resort in your life – you will have recovered yourself and your emotional well-being.
At the very least, you will have gotten back your DIGNITY. Step 2 gives you a plan of action and the part that feels lost and out of control will benefit.
Your self-worth will be in a much better place, allowing you to feel more prepared to take on whatever comes your way. A good point to take on even though it is not easy to hear.
Michele also notes two other responses you might see in your spouse:
The second possible response from your mate is, they become curious.
They might start showing more interest in you, your whereabouts, and what you are doing in your life. Your husband or wife may even suggest that you spend more time together to talk or do something enjoyable. They may also start asking you a lot of questions about these sudden changes.
Listen up: Here’s Michele’s advice if any of these begin to happen:
- Be loving in return, but not overly excited or enthusiastic.
- Accept some invitations to spend time together, but not all.
- Accept all Family time invites. Your spouse seeing you having fun with your kids together reminds them of the value of family.
- Do not ask any questions about your future together.
- Be vague when asked questions about the changes in you. Say that you are just thinking things through. Live the shift.
- Continue to be upbeat.
- Do not say, “I love you.”
- Resist getting in the conversation about your relationship.
- Get a head start and beat your spouse to the punch when it comes time to leave or separate from each other at the end of an activity. You set the tone for going your separate ways.
- As a rule of thumb, be responsive to your partner’s interest but not too responsive. Going overboard will lead your partner to get cold feet. Be warned.
So, stay interested, but cool in a self-possessed manner, (not icy though, as that will send mixed messages) until you are absolutely convinced that your partner’s renewed interest in saving your marriage has taken hold.
If you are excited about this technique and it is working for you, share it with a friend or write it down, add your comments to the blog, but don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. Tell us here, we would love to hear from you.
Once you feel absolutely sure this is so, you can test the waters by becoming more obvious about your desire to stay together. Patience wins out.
Try discussing your future and see what happens.
If your partner is receptive, move forward slowly and begin to tackle the issues that drove you apart in the first place.
If on the flip side you are met with any resistance or reluctance, do a reverse and backpedal quick smart.
Go back to your interested but distant stance until things move forward in a more positive direction. This may take a whole lot longer than you would like – weeks or many months.
You must be patient. Wait until your spouse appears to be a little interested rather than pulling away – you will know when it’s real. While it is tough for the marriage (and you!) to be in this holding pattern, it’s ok. Trying to save your marriage is the most important thing that is happening in your life right now.
Be compassionate and hold onto yourself, even when the scared part of you wants you to act out or the excited part wants to whoop for joy.
The third possibility is probably the least likely, but these outcomes do on occasion happen: The overnight change of heart by your spouse.
They might lose all thoughts of divorce and jump right back into the relationship as if nothing has happened. While rare, this DOES happen.
Michele gives some great advice:
- Don’t move too quickly. I liken it to the Latin adage, festina lente, which means “to make haste slowly”.
- It is vital for you to pace yourself. If you act as if nothing happened between the two of you, then it is only a matter of time before your spouse will have second thoughts about his or her decision.
- You didn’t get into the place of relationship breakdown overnight. Much as you would like to forget that it ever happened, you won’t get back on track overnight.
- If you’re separated, don’t jump right back into being together.
- Once you have your partner’s attention and you sense a real commitment to working things out, you will need to take further steps toward making your marriage a healthier and happier place.
I would suggest The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis, where the Last Resort Technique has been adapted for this article. Truly great advice from couples expert Michele of www.divorcebusting.com.
Therapy helps you to heal both the wounds of the separation and the causes of what has lead up to it.
Find a marriage-friendly health professional to help coach you into the next level of intimacy. Couples Therapy can really fast-track healing and growth opportunities.
A word of caution about sex: Have it! We are only talking about sexual encounters that are initiated by your spouse. Enjoy the moment. With a sexual connection, our bonding hormones are released – oxytocin. Use it.
*Warning! Please do not read anything more into your intimate moment than a happy event. Do not go overboard or start laying down expectations about your partner. Keep doing the Last Resort.
Good luck and it’s not over till it’s over!
We welcome your comments and experiences. Please share here, you are not alone. I personally answer every comment received and there are over 1000 folks experiences on applying the Last Resort here on the Blog
Thank you! Philipa, yours in Service.
Hi my name is Rub, my wife and I have been married for 6 years and this is the 3rd time she’s asked for a divorce. Now she has placed me on child support and planning to move out with the kids. She says she resents me for not loving her and not being there for her. Over the past week I’ve used some of your techniques and I had a talk with her today. She is really adamant about moving out but she says she needs it, she’s been hurt by me too much. She said I’ve enabled her by spoiling her with materialistic things when I should spoiled her with love. Today she said that she doesn’t want to get divorced but needs the separation. She says that it would help her heal and also said this can possibly make our marriage better. I agreed to it peacefully. She was so surprised that now she wants to spend time with me this weekend but I’m afraid my feelings are gonna get the best of me and ruin everything. I don’t want her to leave but if it’s possible to save my marriage then ok. She says there’s no one else involved, but she has lied to me about the smallest things. May be my insecurities. What should I do?
I know I’ve made mistakes and acknowledge them and apologized many times. She says I say sorry to much and that my apologies mean nothing. My birthday is next weekend and I wanted to go out of town with my wife just the two of us. She agreed. Is that me chasing her? Now, if I back out of the trip, I know she will be upset because I never follow through to be adventurous. Thoughts?
Dear Rub,
Yep stop apologizing and start living the apology in you actions. This will take time to gain traction. Yes asking your wife for a weekend away is chasing.
While she may have agreed, I don’t know if she really would want to go. The reason is you don’t want her to be pitying you. If you have the courage to hear her response with peace and nonreaction, I would give her an out. This would represent a start to you taking good care of her needs.
That’s my 5 cents worth.
Cheers Philipa
Hey Rub,
Well done mate! You have made an awesome start. I loved you were peaceful about your wife’s needs to separate. A big high five.
Now what you should do is spend the time, but get out on a good note. Perhaps keep it to a couple of hours.
Really you have no choice about what she does do. Sounds like this is already working for you too.
You must deal with your insecurities, and NOT let them play out any more in your relationship. Or you risk yourself melting down and imploding.
Best of luck with it,
Philipa
Hi my name isRuben, my wife and I have been married for 6 years and have 3 gorgeous kids. This is the third time she has asked for a divorce. She has placed me on child support and looking for a new place to live. I know I have not been a great husband. My insecurities have gotten the best of me and accused her of infidelity when there was none. She says there is no one else. I have seen a counselor for myself before, planning on scheduling more appointments soon. I’ve been hurt in the past. She has always been loving and supportive of anything I do, but I have not done the same in return. She resents me and is angry. I enabled her and tried to show her love in the materialistic way when I should have shown her love emotionally and mentally. We have not been intimate in over a month now, she says I ruined it for her by always asking. I know I screwed up by that. I have tried a small amount of your technique over the past week. Today she felt comfortable enough to talk to me about her moving out. I was in shock, but I stayed calm and openly talked to her about. She says she wants space and a separation, she said that she doesn’t want a divorce now so I agreed. but that I hurt her too much. Since I’ve applied a little of the LRT over the past week she said that this separation may make our marriage stronger. She now wants to spend all day Friday with me. My birthday is next weekend and I was planning a get away for the entire weekend just the 2 of us. She agreed. Now I feel like I’m chasing. I really want to make our marriage strong again. But if I cancel I know she will say that I never follow through, always worrying about money. I’m also worried that my feelings and emotions will ruin things like they always do. What should I do?
Hi Philipa,
I read your articles about ‘the last resort”, and it has made me realise that I have dealt with my separation the completely wrong way-by pleading my spouse to reconsider, telling him I will change to be better, trying to change to be the wife he wants by doing the things he mentioned I didn’t do enough off in the six years of marriage which he claims has resulted to the separation and him not loving me the same as he used to.
All my attempts have resulted to him drifting further away from me and he keeps saying he is not ready to make an effort to make things work.
We are currently living apart in different countries, for family reasons, but he used this as an opportunity for us to be separated for awhile and find happiness without each other.
We have two kids under four and he mentions that I am only clinging on to the marriage because of them, which is not true.
I am worried if I show him that I am living a happy life separated from him he will decide it’s best we live separately permanently.
What do I do?
EmilyA
Dear EmilyA,
thanks for your letter. So glad you have found us and the LRT.
The past is gone, so you can go ahead full steam with the LRT and reading your email, I believe this may be your only option.
And to be frank you need to start living your life for you. Gain some of your self respect and be willing to let him make his choices, as you can make yours. Taking care of you must be your priority. Who knows this may even make you more desirable to your husband. You have heard the old saying – we want what we can’t have.
Hope this gives you a start. Hang in there and back yourself!!
With love and light,
Philipa
What if I have already made the “I love you” thing into a super-big thing. I have a personal rule that I always say “I love you” to family members when saying goodbye (on the phone or when physically leaving). Since he has claimed that he wants a divorce, he has said that he will always love me, so he is mostly consistent with saying it upon goodbyes. However, the other “normal” thing between him and I was that we would always kiss goodbye when we were physically leaving. He refuses to let me kiss or hug him. I’m dealing with that, and I’m going to apply your methods starting now (I was already doing some of it, because I’ve heard people say things like this before, but I’m going to be very intentional about this). Anyway, if I stop saying, “I love you” now with no explanation, I feel like it could cause a problem. What do I do?
Dear Kels,
thanks for your email and glad you are doing some of the LRT already. Personal rules really only apply to you, so it is good to let go of expectations from others around our own ideas. You can’t impose your personal rules on another, that’s just not the go in healthy relationships. Sorry but it won’t work. And why bother frustrating yourself further?
And you hearing frequent “I love yous.” can lead to this losing it’s specialness and unique meaning. Just a thought.
Normal was then, prior to divorce talk and this crisis in your relationship. I do get you are in pain and hurt. This new normal will take some adjusting – this is exactly where the LRT helps guide you. You can’t cherry pick which bits, you have to bite off the whole elephant. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Now it’s not forever, but you will have to grasp step 3 with your heart too.
It’s horrible to be rejected when you want to kiss or hug someone, so I wouldn’t bother – as it is chasing – the opposite of the LRT.
Hmm I am interested to see how it goes when you stop saying I love you, without explanation. Why is it we women think explaining things will change things, it won’t. Not in these sort of times anyway. “I do include myself in that Kels :)) Men as a general rule respond best to behavioral change. Sorry guys not all men 🙂
Reading your email this bit ” I feel like it could cause a problem.” has me curious – for whom would it cause the problem? What problem? Could it possibly be you? Pause to ponder on that. Look forward to your reflections post your behavioral change.
You are working way to hard, so flip the switch today. Besides you no doubt deserve a respite.
Stop all Chasing – ESPECIALLY I love you’s. Reread the LRT focus on how those comments induce guilt, pity and shame. Stuff that your partner will want to escape from and quickly. Sadly it has the opposite effect. I am sure you get the picture.
Take care and this is a big chance to grow, as hard as it is right now.
Best Wishes Philipa
So, what about “I love you, too.”?
He just said, “I love you” on the phone, and I said, “I love you, too”. I hope that is okay, but I do think that he only says that, because I’ve made such a big deal about it in the past. I’ve called back if I didn’t hear him say it. We’ve argued over whether he really did say it or he purposely didn’t just to hurt me or he just forgot because he doesn’t really love me (I know how ridiculous all that sounds now, but it didn’t seem that way to me in the moment). Is it similar to sex in that if they initiate, then it is okay?
I had already stopped reacting to it whenever he didn’t say I love you when he left the house, but since I’ve read your advice, I’ve stopped saying it so much myself. I didn’t say I love you when I went to bed last night or the night before. It is hard, partly because it is a habit. I’ve started to wonder if maybe a large portion of his negative feelings may be coming from feeling like, because it’s a rule, he has to do things against his will (like saying I love you or kissing goodbye). So, I’m trying to wrap my head around it, and be okay with waiting for whatever will happen next. Waiting is hard!!! I don’t know how long I can be in this weird holding pattern of not knowing whether or not I have a husband that loves me and wants to be with me. I stopped saying I love you to him personally when I leave the house, but I kind of say it to everyone as I walk out the door (just calling out, “I love you, have a good day!” No one really usually answers me, but it’s important to me that the last thing my family hears from me is that I love them.
My mom, grandma, brother, sisters, aunts, uncles, and many of my cousins (there’s a lot of cousins, so I’m not 100% sure about all of them–I don’t know of any that for sure don’t) all consistently say “I love you” when saying goodbye at the end of visits or phone calls. No one acts like it’s a big deal at all.
My husband has a few little quirks/superstitions, and I go along with all of them. Things like if we’re all walking together as a family, we shouldn’t let a pole, sign, or other object separate us. We should fall back and walk through the same area, so that nothing comes between us. He won’t buy things if the total comes to $6.66 or something ending in 13. He’ll add a candy bar or something to make it not be that total. He wants the volume on the tv or in the car to be set at an even number. I just do all this stuff with him. I don’t tell him it’s stupid or act upset that I’m being forced to do any of it. He wants it done, so we all do it. It doesn’t adversely affect our lives at all. I barely even notice these things anymore. It was hard to recall them to my mind in order to tell you about them here. His dad did these things, and he is continuing them. I just don’t get why those things are fine for him to make rules about, but I can’t continue the thing that my whole family does and always did as far back as I can remember. Also, my thing has a practical (albeit morbid) reason: if we die after we say goodbye (which, at some point, we all will, so it’s not really an “if”, it’s more of a “when”), then the last thing we said to each other was that we love each other. So, whoever is left alive can be comforted by that. It’s not as ridiculous as the old “wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident” thing.
Hi,
On march my husband asked for divorce. We have been fighting since january. He said that during 7 years with me (5 yrs marriage, 2 yrs dating), I didn’t treat him like a husband but like an assistant.
Currently we are living in my in law’s house and not talking to each other at all.
I pleaded and beg him and he said that he can only feel anger and pity everytime he sees me.
I started to do meditation since last week which makes me feel a lot better,
And i have been able to restrain myself to be reactive and suspicious to him.
My husband so far has not gotten a step ahead to legalize the divorce.
And i feel that our situation is not getting worse because i stop all the negative actions, but not progressing forward anyway. I feel stuck in the moment.
My questions are:
1. Is it okay if i initiated the conversation with my husband? Since when i do so, i only got a single response answer.
2. Since he felt that I don’t take care of him like a wife should before the bomb dropped, i made some changes, i.e : preparing his work clothes (he is not using it), making his bed before he’s coming from work, preparing his water for bath. There is no negative reaction so far. Should i keep doing that or it seems desperate for me to do so?
3. Since i suspect some of the problem coming from financially, he is now the only one working while i am a fulltime housewife, and now our child needs to be enrolled in school, but if i talked about it i know it will make a burden for him since it is more than he can afford. I still have some savings so that i can afford paying the tuition. Should i discuss about the school with him, and offering to help ( i am affraid that it will hurt his pride), or just pay the school fee without involving him ( he will not notice anyway since he is never aware of school calendar etc)
Thanks
Dear Nat,
thanks for your email. Yes you are in desperate straits and the LRT is your best option.
Really take on board what your husband is saying and see if you could understand his comments – don’t share this with him though. Keep it to yourself and be the change. This is your most powerful option.
Glad you have taken things in hand and doing meditation. I can hear it is helping, keep up anything that helps and ditch anything that doesn’t. Now you know form the LRT is NO pursuit in any form.
Now to your questions – love your format, girl you are organised!
Number 1. The response you get when initiating the conversation tells you the answer. So to be clear no initiation of the relationship conversation or future stuff. I guess it’s horrible for you when he gives one word answers and imagine how ba that will be if there is silence, Urgh don’t do it to yourself!!
Number 2. It’s too late for that and I think it may come across as desperate. Be kind but you don’t need to be his maid that’s what hotels are for. Besides I bet he wants a partner not a servant. Well I would hope! I get it is kind on your part but read the start of this paragraph.
Number 3. Oh that question is loaded. It sounds like you have ideas about where your children will be schooled. I think this needs to be a discussion and reading your words it sounds like you have made up your mind. This is a recipe for all the things you don’t want to have happen. I would say you are right shame and he will feel criticized by you. Further increasing the chances of divorce. You kind of write him off in your last sentence. Would you be doing most of the work in this relationship? This kind of overdoing, naturally leads to the other partner underdoing. Stop this pattern, it will kill your marriage.
So have a discussion so each of your thoughts are heard. No offer of help or just paying the school fee unless you are hurrying to be single. Sorry to be so blunt but I’d guess that would be the likely outcome.
I get Nat you have a sense of anxiety which fuels this need for certainty ( don’t worry I have it too!) and it can be tough to let things flow. This is what you will need to do and let go of the outcome.
Hope I have answered your questions well, these are my best suggestions, Nat.
Good luck!
Philipa
Thank you for this post – – I will definitely start incorporating these techniques as I truly believe self care is so important, especially if my marriage doesn’t work out. My husband has grown increasingly selfish throughout our marriage and has very little appreciation for me or our relationship – – he makes no sacrifices whatsoever and has no concept of what it means to be a couple or to be a partner. We are separating, and he is moving out. As a last ditch effort, we are starting marriage counseling. How should I employ the Last Resort Technique whilst also in marriage counseling? I certainly don’t want to give the impression I’m “chasing” him, yet I also want to get the most out therapy
Dear Rose,
reading your email, I believe it is too early for the LRT in it’s entirety.
Take Step 2 on board as you say and I do agree self care is so important.
I would recommend leaving the rest of the LRT and really working on your marriage. While I know you are expressing your sense of frustration in your partnership here, I want to suggest you let go of negativity and be really open to the therapy. We have a preparation for your therapy consult handily already here on Marriage Works how to make the most of your couple consult, read here.
So you are correct don’t do the LRT when you are in marriage counseling – only apply when it really is the last ditch and final straw. It is that serious.
Keep up the good work,
and wishing you all the best.
Please let us know your progress.
Philipa
My wife and i are 2 months in to a divorce.. I have a no contact restraining order againts her for dv.. I feel hopless and lost. I miss her..
Her mom is the supervisor for her surpervised visitations and one day told me…” My daughter didnt tell me to say this but.. I know she is sorry and i know she misses you and loves you… Knowing that im having a change of heart but dont know what to do…. My lawyer says if i do i need to drop the restraining order which is bad for the case… I stuck in a hard place.. I need to know how she feels to either pull through together for us and our family or proceed…
Dear Mark,
thanks for your email.
You have to base your life on what you require and your own values here. I hear how hard it is for you. Growth often is painful but rewarding.
I hope you can har this in the kind spirit it is intended -It is impossible to live your life based on another persons thoughts, feeling or advice. I say this because ultimately we each need to take responsibility for both our choices and actions.
If i understand you, you have taken out a restraining order on your wife. Why? Surely you have more means available to you than the law. The reason I say this is the law restircts and costs and everyone loses control as you now have. You are now letting your lawyer advise you on your life. I just don’t think this is in your or your partnerships best interests. Don’t get me wrong if there is serious phsycial violence this is a different case and an illegal act.
It sounds like you need professional mediation services pronto, as you have children, in order to help you sort this out. This is where I would spend my money rather than at the solicitors.
Good luck!
All the best Philipa
Thank you! I really needed to read this. I’m at a desperate stage and keep wanting and trying to talk it out. I’ll keep this as my mantra and see how it goes. It resonated a lot and I think this is what she is going through. Lots of talk about her wanting me to be my best self, feeling overwhelmed and suffocated etc. I’ll try this. Fingers crossed.
Dear Adam,
you are so welcome my friend. Yes it is hard when we are in the desperate stage. I am impressed you recognise this. And more talking often leads the other partner to reaffirming their decision to split. Exactly the opposite of your goal here.
The LRT gives you some breathing room and a chance to change old patterns. Give it your best shot and keep us updated.
Cheers Philipa
Hi Philipa,
My husband and I got married 4 months after beginning our relationship (married in 10/2017), but we had both known each other longer than that. We both had a feeling that we had never had with anyone else and just knew it’s what was right. But, we lived almost 4 hours apart and every time we saw each other it was so rewarding for the wait between us. Fast forward to this past Feb, and I was finally able to move in with him like we’d been waiting for. Things were so great and then about a month later our communication started to get worse and we would lay in bed on our phones or watching tv, without talking or being intimate. The sex went to once every two or three weeks although I wanted to be intimate more often and I began feeling lonely, neglected, and inadequate. We’d discussed that something was up but we just didn’t know what it was and everything seemed to stay the same. But it didn’t feel like all effort completely stopped.
I then got sick and had multiple doctors appts. beginning in March, still no results on what may be going on. My husband has stuck by my side and done all he could to take care of me and to help figure out what is going on.
Well, two nights ago, my husband told me we needed to talk and to shorten it up, told me he’d like for me to move back to my hometown this weekend and not come back because his feeling for me had changed, he still loves me and cares about me, but he’s no longer in love. He said he doesn’t know why he feels this way but that he knows we can’t fix this or fall back in love.
I resorted to an outburst of emotions caused by fear and hurt because I am afraid of losing him. I love him and I’m still IN LOVE with him. I came across this article today because I’m to the point of giving up. I have made the mistake of crying to him, begging to try to make this work, sending him messages and photos from before this all began happening and I feel like I’m just pushing him away more and like I won’t ever get him back.
Do you have any advice for me?
Dear Bryn,
Sadly your letter doesn’t surprise me.
This is what i hear so much of in my office it started off well and then went badly. Don’t worry this is a usual thing in all relationships.
We get together when all the love hormones are pumping – heady stuff. This is where we end each other’s sentences and feel as if we are one. And temporarily we are. Trouble is the love chemical dissipates and then we start to see our mates warts and all.”I wanted to be intimate more often and I began feeling lonely, neglected, and inadequate. We’d discussed that something was up but we just didn’t know what it was and everything seemed to stay the same.”
From your email this would have been the time to come in and address things. Often this is when folk start to criticize their partner in the misguided hope they will change back into the love teddy. However this only seems to push them further away.
Glad you have found us. The I don’t love you and we can’t fix it stage is not uncommon in relationships when the love drugs have worn off. I would practice the LRT. I have a mind to suggest seeing an imago therapist or counsellor for you both to learn from this. It may be separation counselling.
Good luck and keep us informed on your progress.
Cheers PHilipa
Hello,
I’m not sure if you like updates, but back in late March, early April I wrote that I thought my husband and I were separating but it turned out he was ready for divorce. Since then, I’ve started therapy, we’ve sold our home and I am currently looking for a new home. We are still living together out of necessity and stability for our children, but his behavior has become disparaging, disrespectful and distant to both me and his children unfortunately. We haven’t filed yet due to financial reasons, but have essentially separated ourselves from each others lives completely. I have been focusing on myself and kids and am in a much better place. While I still love my husband, my focus is no longer on getting him back and more on finding myself and my happiness. I pray that the same happens for him. Mostly, I wanted to say thank you for this article as it really put my perspective in focus. I read it almost every day to remind myself where my focus should be. I hope it continues to help others as it’s helping me.
Best wishes!
I neglected my wife over the years. Pushed her into an emotional affair. We are trying to work things out. I became very attentive and did everything you said not to do in the article above. We have been married for 16 years. She feels i never totally opened up to her. I would stare at her when we talked. All she wanted was for us to spend time together. Date again. I was in a depressive state for years.
Dear Gilmore,
good onyou for your insight and the ability to grow together. I do suggest you find a therapist to help you both process the emotional affair and the lack of intimacy. Not to mention the depression for you – it is treatable.
Hope it all goes well, thanks for your email.
Philipa
I have done everything wrong from what i have been reading. My husband and i have been together for 20 years and married for 18. He came home from work one day back in January 2018 and said to me you have always told me to be honest with you right. I said yes and he said i have been miserable living with you for a while now. He said he still loved me but not in the way he used to. He told me he was going to be moving out with a male coworker and he needed to be left alone so he had time to work on himself. First i begged and pleaded with him to stay and to do marriage counseling with me but he insisted he was leaving and that he has tried on his own for years and it just wasnt working. Then i told him i would give him as much time as he needed as long as he would promise me that he would stay faithful to me while we take this break or seperation from each other. He told me no he couldnt promise me something he couldnt keep. Then he walked down the hall to our daughter’s bedroom and told her he was sorry that he had to leave her mother and that he loved her and that he is sorry but he just couldnt be with me anymore. I was completely blind sided because i truly thought me and my daughter meant the world to him. No our marriage wasnt perfect but i truly believed we loved each other and would be together forever. He has always told me that the reason he fell in love with me was because i was not like most girls and that i had values and respected myself as i waited to have sex until marriage. I took my vows seriously and i thought he did to as for the 20 years we were together i never questioned that he would leave me or cheat on me. So i was devasted when he left. I would call and text him all hours of the day. Even well into the morning to tell him how i loved him and i wanted him to come back. I wrote him a 28 page letter that took me 2 days to write basically blaming myself for every reason he told me why he left. I even told him how i wanted to commit suicide and told him how i was going to do it and that i had already wrote my good bye letters to him our daughter and my family and friends. This didnt even seem to faze him. He just replied with i know you wanting to commit suicide is all my fault. Nothing is ever your fault. I truly do not want to live in this much pain for ever. I loved him and still do and my family has been ripped apart. Our daughter is also hurting tremendously and i feel so lost in how to help her when i cant even help my self. I have tried to do all the right things i have tried therapy and depression medicine. I joined a divorce care group. I joined a gym. I deactivated my facebook after he left so i wouldnt have to see anything if there was anything to see or answer any questions. Well a situation arised where i found out that he was no longer living with this male coworker he said he was living with and was now living with another friend. After asking him repeatedly who he was living with and his response would be i already told you when i answered your questions in your 28 pg f….ing essay you wrote to me. One i feel so hurt that he thinks of my feelings as an essay and two he has never answered my questions nor told me who he was living with. So i reactivated my face book and low and behold i see he made another profile under his wrestling name and he had posted pictures of a surprise birthday party that his friends and the girl he is living with and cheating on me with threw for him on our 18th wedding anniversarry which was on april 8th. His 40th birthday was april 15th. I was absolutely devasted to know that while i sat at home wanting to take my own life and fighting those constant thoughts because i have a daughter who i love and needs me and i cant ever leave her with the same pain i am in and that day i wondered if he was even thinking about me or our anniversarry and instead he was partying and getting shit faced wasted. I called him the next day and told him we needed to meet in person to talk and after being persistent that we meet in person he agreed to it. First i confronted him with what this has done to our daughter. I found out by snooping on her phone that she has been cutting herself and that she too feels like she wants to die. She told a friend that her mom is sad all the time and her dad has left her. She told this friend that she hates her dad. She went from being an honor roll student with straight A’s to failing and secludes herself to her room all the time. She doesnt want to talk to me about what happened and she wants me to leave her alone. She is 16 yrs old by the way. I know she does love me because in the text that she did respond to she told him she hated him for ignoring me and making me cry. His response to what i told him was how dare i accuse him of being the reason why she did what she did when she got the idea from me because all i do is sit around moping and crying and talking about suicide and i just need to get up and take care of her. He also said he has not abandoned her that he wants to still be a part of her life and wants her to be a part of his. He said he is giving her space like she has asked for. Those words hurt so much. One i do not talk about sucide in front of her and two i am the parent there for her and i am doing the best i can to show her that. Then i confronted him about the pictures i found and he didnt deny them although he did say that he didnt post them that he was tagged in them which is a lie but not worth arguing over. Then he said she is just a friend who is helping him out. I am not stupid he had me send the letter i wrote to him to her house which i thought was his male coworkers house and it is a 2 bedroom house and she has a 5 yr old daughter and is married herself also claiming to be seperated. With tears streaming down my face i just kept asking why and how could he do this to me. He sat across from me with no emotion on his face and said i dont know i guess because you married a dickhead asshole of a husband. That was his only response than he thanked me for wasting his gas and money he didnt have to come meet me and walked away and left again. I once again went a whole week without texting or calling because i feel so betrayed and hurt and then i started texting again. Its like i just cant understand it because the man i was with for 20 years was so loving and caring and would have done anything for me. I even wrote to this women and told her how she was destroying a marriage and a child by allowing him to stay with her and he texted me and told me i had no right to write to her and if i ever do it again he will stop helping finacially. How can he care more about her feelings than his own wifes feelings? I will never understand that. I asked him to block me because i feel like that will be the only way i can stop texting and calling and if he was going to choose her over me and our family than i cant have anything to do with him. So he did that and i have since found out from my sister who he texted that he lost his job and as soon as he finds one he will start helping again finacially. He has also blamed me for him losing his job because i wouldnt leave him alone not on the fact that he left and moved in with this women who lives 2 hours away from his job. Myself and my daughter have now lost our health insurance as well. Before he blocked me he told me that he was happier and healthier with her and that there relationship is none of my damn business that they are together and we are seperated and thats all i need to know. He dosent seem happy to me though. And although i dont want to be with someone who doesnt love me and i hate him for what he has done to me and our daughter i still love him and dont want to give up on our marriage. I know he loves our daughter. He has repeatedly texted her and told her so although she told him to leave her alone and she told him everyone has told him what he is doing is wrong and he just doesnt get it. She has since blocked his number and blocked him from her instagram and social media accounts. I know he loves her but at the same time how can you say you love her and be doing this to her. Before he blocked me he told me that he wasnt looking for another woman it just happened and before he left back in January he told me that he was not leaving because of another woman. That there was none and he wasnt out looking for one and had no intentions of being with anyone else. I do not believe him because it doesnt just happen it was a choice he made happen. I do feel desperate and have lost all hope. I dont see him ever coming back. How do i move on when i have lost my family and i dont see the pain ever going away? People keep telling me with time i will be okay but time has only intensified my pain. I have tried to do all the right things to accept that this is now my life and to show my daughter we will be okay but i have gotten to the point where i feel like i am part of the reason why her life has been turned upside down and i dont know how to fix it and i think she would be better off without me as well. I will never understand how he could walk away from all the good memories we have created throughout the years and act like they never happened and that i never existed. I even asked him that in one of my text messages and his response was to f….off and that he wasnt going through this again with me. And that obviously i cant be civil so leave him alone and go have a nice life. I dont feel like asking why? is not being civil. I have never put him down or used profanity with him and i dont know who this man is anymore. My daughter does know that he is living with another woman and her 5 yr old daughter. She has told my sister and her grandmother that she thinks it is disgusting that he is living with another woman and she does not ever want to meet her or her daughter. I told him this before i got blocked and i got no response back. I told him that he needed to spend time with just her and do not force this woman on her. She also feels like you have abandoned her and want to start a new life and play daddy to someone else child. That only pissed him off when i told him that. But its true. I feel like he has so much hatred and rage towards me now and i just dont understand it. I have always been there for him and thought i have always showed that to him and i dont understand how me asking why and how you stopped loving me deserves the hatred and rage i get from him now. This not only has shocked me but every single person that knew us. I dont even know how to explain why or how to people because i dont know the answers myself. The man i lived with for 20 years was a good man and a wonderful father. I used to brag and praise him to everyone that knew us. I thought i was so lucky to be one of the very few people that stay married for as long as we have and to have married someone who i thought loved me back and had the same values that i did. I never could have even dreamed he could leave me for another woman. He knows how important it was to me that intimacy was something special and sacred that was suppossed to be only between the 2 of us. I am tormented by my thoughts of him now doing that with her. The pain of that is unbearable and i have told him that and again the response i got back before being blocked was not again i am not going to keep doing this with you. Please someone anyone help me? I am so lost and feel so hopeless. Where do i turn to and how can i overcome this before my depression takes my life?
Hi ana,
honey – I actually got lost reading your email. I hear you have a load of heart ache.
I get you are hurt and disappointed. You need to this aside right now. Stop being a victim, you are worth more than that, and I know you can be more Ana lovey xx
There is a child who is struggling – your daughter from your words “She told a friend that her mom is sad all the time and her dad has left her. She told this friend that she hates her dad.”
You have to protect her from both your sadness and anger towards your partner. To my thinking you need to take action to help your daughter immediately with her father. Forget about every thing else and make her your priority.
This kid is crying out for help and support. Sure she won’t be accepting but keep at it. Call the school and both of you need to come to her aid right now.
Doing this will take give you a better option than tormenting yourself. Get therapy – EMDR, Resource Therapy, Hypnosis to really deal with the underlying issues.
Stop and help your daughter the two of you, please. This is how you overcome the depression, take action today, right this minute.
Please let us know you have taken every step – know she will probably be angry and fight but keep by her, both you and her father.
Take care Ana,
God Bless,
you all.
Philipa
My Wife and I are separated right now. It’s killing me inside. I want to find relief but I am just so anxious and worried constantly that I can barely think. What I believe are our main problems is my lack of self confidence which leads to an underwhelming experience in the bedroom. She says I dont make her feel sexy and I don’t ever “want” for here. It’s gotten worse over the past year because of work and general life stresses. She has moved over an hour away in with her brother. We have only talked a couple of times. Its been 8 days since she left. She says she needs time to figure herself out becasue she needs to prove to her self that she “can survive on her own”. She doesnt knwo what she wants right now according to her. Her two sisters and her older brother have reached out to me which has been a big comfort at least. I am trying stay calm and follow therapy advice but I am not sure what to do. I have done all the silly checking facebook constantly things, but now I realize that’s only making things worse. I have been having a very hard time eating and sleeping. She came over to get a couple bags of her clothes and such as well as some pictures of her dad and brother. I was so nervous when she showed up, I feel like I made a fool of myself. What should I do folks??? I just need a little guidance.
Dear Sam, use the space to get on top of your anxiety.
Go all out to find help, please look on the website here in recommended resources. Find a therapist.
Practice the LRT as if your life depended on it. You can’t work on your marriage until you are back in it.
I am impressed with your awareness re the FB stuff – don’t invite the fear in. Block yourself. Do something helpful, like read the LRT instead.
Sam I really want you to dedicate yourself to the steps.
Wishing you all the best,
Philipa
I have been using the LRT for 3 weeks and I can see results. I’m a 59 yo husband that the wife 52 yo said 10 weeks ago after 23 years of marriage “not n love and have no emotional connection”. Said when her dad died (June 2017) she felt she didn’t want to waste another 20 years in a married life. Have not been intimate for 7 weeks. No affection, no hugs etc. Our relationship is completely the same except no affection displayed or intimacy. Sleep in same bed and we go out to dinners out (just the 2 of us), do things with other couples and go to night clubs. We have normal conversations.
I know part of the LRT is to wait for her to initiate affection or sex. She seems to be happy being together without being emotionally involved. Of course I want to be emotionally involve and be loved.
She seems content and she could live her life out like this. So how long do I wait?
Dear Bill,
that is wonderful to hear you are getting LRT results. Love to hear more of those results.
Creating safety is your best bet. Safety means talking non defensively, hearing each other without justification or reasons. Really stepping into your partners world view and look through their lenses.
When people shut down there is always a reason and it can take some time and space to allow the flower to unfold – your lovely wife. You just need to do the groundwork like you would growing roses. Water them, feed them, talk to them, admire them and watch them bloom in the right season.
Step 3 sounds like your biggest challenge here Bill. You wait as long as it takes.
Wishing you lots of patience at this time.
All the best Philipa
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I understand the theory and agree because I have seen results. How long before I am mentally affected? I have plenty of friends, I don’t need another one, I need to be loved :). I believe most people that are in the same situation will agree, if we had some response that a future exist with our partner it would be easier to be patient. I can be patient but after 6months or a year and it doesn’t move to an affectionate relationship how is that affecting me? Part of the LRT is not to discuss your relationship, how things are going or make future plans etc.
Dear Bill,
You are certainly welcome. It’s about the long game and your own resilience.
We all would like to be loved. So be loving in your practice of the LRT.
If you had a response you most likely wouldn’t have to do the LRT.
Sorry you will have to let go of the 6 months to a year timeline. My best suggestion would be I will do this until I decide or there is the turnaround I desire. I get that the LRT asks you to find a new way to manage things and that’s not easy. Use this time to figure out how the relationship got to this point. Make this your change year. 2018 is a huge year for development for many of us. I myself included. Loads of highs and what at first appear lows that become great advances.
Yes you are correct you don’t discuss your relationship, the future. This takes the pressure off your partner. and allows them to come to you. We are changing the dynamic entirely.
Keep up the good work, reread the LRT and the comments. You will benefit from others experience and support here too.
Hang in there! Practice Step 1 and 2 like an angel.
Best Wishes,
Philipa
Hello yesterday my husband told me he still loves me just not like he used to. He doesn’t want to try anymore and feels we should just cut ties. We have both been unfaithful in the past but we said we would try. He is now saying he is done trying . His exact words were I don’t feel the same about you or anything. We’re currently living with his parents. Should I just leave? His parents want me to stay and try to work it out. We don’t sleep in the same room. I don’t want a divorce but it is hard when the other person is showing no signs of wanting to do anything. We have been together 8 years and married for 4 in November. He is 30 I am 32.
Dear Mrs R,
boy that would have been a tough day, hearing that.
It really doesn’t sound like the past has been dealt with in a way that has helped you both. That’s why I recommend therapy. I am guessing you don’t have children, so this gives you more options and make me think if you wished to you could start over.
I think it would be worth seeking a professional here if your husband was open. You want to both learn form this regardless of the outcome. For closure even.
The way I would do this is to say something like this to him” I do appreciate you feel this way and while it may not be easy for me I want to accept this. I am hoping we could talk to a therapist for a few sessions to help us understand how we got here and how to do what we need to with grace.”
You get the idea. It is an invitation that is open.
Hope this helps. Keep us updated.
Good luck Philipa
My wife and i have separated in the last week.
we always had the most beautiful marriage with full trust. There was absolutely nothing wrong with our marriage.
12 months ago my wife who is fitness instructor and does a crazy amount of classes sometimes 18 per week embarked on a training regime at 5am on a couple of mornings. These were incredibly hard sessions of 2 hours in order to build up muscle. The group had mostly men in it. these sessions were increased to 6 days a week and there was nothing to worry about. Wrong! texting became frequent from one of the men. My wife is very naive and very stubborn. She always thought of this as just playful banter and friendship. The texting became too much and they began hiding and deleting the texts. I confronted his wife of 32 years after confronting my wife and demanding that it stop and she stop seeing this man. She lasted a couple of weeks of not seeing this guy but it didnt last, they were again found to be training in a private gym. My wife still claimed it was just training and just friends. During this time of broken trust my wife slept in her car, at a friends house and claimed twice that she would change.
When caught at the private Gym, i confronted the man and demanded he not see my wife. That day he left his wife and told his wife that he was in love with my wife.
My wife has moved out into a friends house and while confused is looking to go into a relationship with this guy.
We have been married for 18 years with 2 children, he had been married for 32 years and is older than me by a couple of years.
My wife is surrounding herself through this period with people from the gym and from separated situations to justify what she has done. She feels like she has started a process and been part of the break in trust.
This guy was unhappy with his marriage but did not tell my wife. But did tell her his feelings after he told his wife he was leaving her. Therefore he sabotaged our marriage.
My wife over this separation has continued the gym sessions with this guy as she is not well and is addicted to the exercise and has been for some time.
She has said that she is seeing a psychologist this week to see whats wrong with her as she is very confused. I know she will lie to try and get support for her move.
In a nutshell she has been brain washed by this guy over time to wreck our marriage.
The exercise has her addicted where she cannot think straight and will not stop even to fix her marriage.
Our marriage was perfect before he came along.
All his family have shut him our for what he has done.
Our friends and her close friends just cant get through to her
Its just a complete mess as her naivety and stubbornness is stopping her from seeing what this guy has done and set out to do.
I have told her that i want her to find her happiness and used similar techniques to the last chance technique but this is damn hard to do and she just will not listen.
I hope the psychologist will see through her situation and give some decent guidance.
We all know that this relationship is going to see some pretty hard times and that her exercise addiction is hurting her health.
We are all at a loss as to what we can do and any advice would be appreciated as there just isnt anyone out there that is qualified to stop this addiction and make her well again.
Dear Darren,
thanks for your email. I get you are struggling and wanting to find the answers to your marital distress.
Your first sentence “we always had the most beautiful marriage with full trust. There was absolutely nothing wrong with our marriage.” tells me there are some things you really need to review.
Firstly, stop trying to focus on her, her issues and yes she does use her exercise to cope and some would call that an addiction. But unless she decides it is an issue for her nothing will change. So buddy do yourself a favour and let it go.
The LRT is not about making your partner listen. It is about being really ready to actually let go.
No marriage is perfect and you must look back over the years to review how things have ended up where they are. Was your wife really able to turn to you and share her fears, concerns and hopes?
Sometimes we not realising it shut our partners down. Reading their silence as things are ok, but really they can’t speak up. Obviously they have a part to play in airing their stuff.
And truly forget the other guy. This isn’t about him. Your break up is between you and your wife. I know that awareness will come. This third party is merely a symptom of the relationship distress. This is good news for you as you can let the worry go and focus back on yourself.
You really have to believe and live the words of your email that you want your wife to be happy.Sadly this may mean without you as her husband.
So grab the LRT and give it your best shot, Sam.
Wishing you all the luck in the world.
Philipa
My husband and I have been together sense High School (19 years) 15 years married. Sense then, he has been the only guy I have ever been w/or have ever wanted to be with. We have had our ups & downs, & in no way is our marriage perfect. Even though I’ve always had a sense that I was very lucky, to have stayed w/the first guy I started out with. But now, things have derailed. & It’s all do to the past & me not having let it go.
*Sigh*
A month ago I confronted him about someone else (emotional Infidelity) & that is when he let it all out on the table. That he wanted to leave, wasn’t happy, that he loved me but wasn’t sure if he was still “in love” w/me. That she was someone to talk to b/c he was too afraid to talk to me. B/c he didn’t want it to hurt me. Even though it did, of course.
But, she was another reason he didn’t leave. Which I am greatful for that. B/c she was also the voice of reason. Telling him, “He needed to stay & work things out.” B/c she was going through the same thing. And it may sound crazy for some to understand my willingness to let them still be friends. On that occasion, he be honest with me & tell me. Not keeping it a secret. And Agreeing that it was to be only a friendship. No talking of our marriage or having any influence of the decision to stay or go. So if he left it wouldn’t have been on anyone else, but b/c of him.
B/c if it hadn’t came out I would have never know why, if he had left. But I needed to hear it. B/c it made me realize how bad I treated him & I didn’t realize it. Or b/c I didn’t care to.
But he had hurt me 7 years prior due to another(emotional infidelity). I know……And I gave him a second chance b/c I LOVE him. Things got better even though I put up a wall, b/c I didn’t want to get hurt again. And b/c of that wall, I held back emotionally, sexually & even personally. I held back so much that even though he was trying, I stoped, living in that moment of hurt over & over. Shielding myself. Not really forgiving him or putting it behind me so we could move forward. Holding onto it. Not realizing that I have been punishing him ever sense. Pushing him to do it again, & pushing him away. But, letting it all out there, made me realize I was being emotionally selfish. B/c I felt he owed me for hurting me, so much so I controlled him. Beating him down about the past when I was mad or upset or even insecure. It was my only weapon to hurting him when I was hurting. And I was wrong! B/c I do love him! Even still! But now that it has been a month sense we put it all out there. I still struggle. And after finding this article & reading it. I realize I am doing it wrong. I am Being clingy, on the chase for him. B/c I’ve asked him to give ME a chance, He agrees & is willing to try. And him willingness gives me HOPE. But it still gives me a sense of doom & the need of reassurance from him. Pushing. And again, reading this made me realize I need to STOP! It’s not going to miraculously happen over night that we are in love again. Just waiting for someone to wave a magic wand. And that’s what I have been waiting for. This takes time, work. Trust. Sense of self. I mean, it’s true what they say, you have to learn to walk before you can run. And even though we have talked about we need to get our friendship back before we can be lovers again. It Seems the right way to go. I cant help but want it now though. But I now understand. I am so glade I came across this!!!! I am going to start working on this ASAP!!!! Thank you!!! I’ll be back to let you know! B/c this opened my eyes and maybe even my heart again.
Dear E,
so glad you have found the Marriage Works blog on the LRT. Yes it gives you the best hope for the future.
So practice it well. When things start to improve then you can test the waters. Let him come to you of course. In my experience it will help you and him recover much quickly with therapy to address the earlier hurts and then strengthen your marriage. This is something to do in the future when you are back together.
I do think with your long history and really applying the LRT you give yourself and the relationship the best chance to recover. Stay true and be patient.
You now have the wand in your hand! good luck and blessings,
please keep us in the loop as things progress.
Philipa
Hello we have been married for 13 years. My wife wants separation and we are still living in same house till the kids finish school. Kids will go to the grandparents house for 2 month and I will move out of the house. We still sleep in the bed. Meanwhile I have been practicing LRT, I think she feels the changes in me. She desires to have sex. She asks for it. Since I am still emotionally connected and she is not, I feel she is using me as a body for sex. One time we had it. She says I am OK for sex anytime. Next time when I initiated she said no. I felt like I am like just a body. She has been asking for sex for last couple of times and I said no giving her the reason that I am emotionally connected and it will hurt me more in long run..
I see you mentioned that have sex if this is initiated by spouse but sometimes it could lead to confusion.. what are your thoughts on this.
Dear Mo,
don’t hold out on the sex. Actually having sex will create the emotional connection. Besides it offers you both closeness and tension relief. A good orgasm is a wonderful DE-stressor.
And boy half your luck, Mo. I can tell you there are others who will read your email and say what?! She’s asking for sex and he’s saying no! If only that was happening to me!
Our bodies are a part of our relationship and sexual intercourse sets us apart from just being friends. Plus there is the good old bonding hormones – Oxytocin. Powerfully connecting natural opiods.
So have fun. This is often why our spouses start out the door as it gets too serious and the aliveness is lost.
Next time she initiates respond back with gusto, and enjoy the moment. Let your head go for a bit and the body will take care of things.
Mind you she needs to be the starter, not you for now.
Hope that helps.
Of course you keep witholding and you are almost packing her bags for her to leave, I’d guess.
Let us know, in good taste!
Me and my wife have been growing apart. Early this week she disappeared and when she finally showed back up she said she was done with me there’s no chance but I feel there may still be a sliver of love. She is staying at her moms and I’m afraid there is another man and I’m falling apart.any advice is appreciated thank y’all
Dear Blake,
your situation definitely warrants the Last Resort TEchnique. Make it your bible.
Let og of the fear of another – you can’t control that. Grab your life back and take the reins today!
Best Wishes Philipa
I have started no contact with a few bumps and started building on myself. Lots of time with friends and people I haven’t seen in a long time. I’ve started looking inside myself for answers to what happend and found I had grown cold. I never showed her affection and I was not communicating. She has brought up doing the divorce paperwork sometime and that she would let me know but hasn’t said anymore since then. Today I Dug some notes out of the trash that I angrily threw there when she came to get her stuff she write them to me back when we first moved in together that I’ve never read until now and it’s basically a diary of us. Could I use this glimpse into the past in some way to help me? And how long should I do the no contact? And does this sound hopeless and extra advice? Also how can I show her I’ve learned and changed without ever seeing her she lives a long way away
Also my wife is very easily annoyed by me now it started with a lot of crying .I always thought she was overreacting or just wanting to gripe. Awhile back she started smoking weed all the time which I’m ok with except she didn’t know when to stop and it got on my nerves not being able to even hold a conversation with my wife. After several months of this my parents asked me one day if I love my wife puzzled I answered their question. They told me I was not looking at her the same and I was being rude. I started watching my tongue and things started getting better but she kept smoking way to much. I told her that I thought she may be smoking to much. She told me it killed the bad emotions built up from me being poor at communicating and she kept on smoking the same. I started working on communication but buy this time crying turned into anger . Her anger towards me made me she’ll up and crow cold and non affectionate. This went on for months . Finally she stopped smoking I thought maybe this was time for things to get better. Next week is where my first post begins missing wife a state wide police search and then me being left I hope this is enough info ! I did mess up and posted about my divorce and what I learned about myself from it to help someone before they get to that point on Facebook which seemed to really anger her. If there’s any questions I could answer to possibly get better help please ask them.
Sorry for so many things but I forgot one important detail her mom and grandma which she now lives with will push her into doing things that she later regrets. Ie she used to be a manager At a dollar store. Her boss was somewhat rude. One day we went to her moms house and she was complaining about her boss. Her mom and grandma started telling her she should just quit she didn’t need that in her life. That in turf starting firing her up and making her cry . Needless to say she quit. I tried talking her out of it knowing she would regret it but she didn’t listen. For a short time it made her happy that she was done with that place. Soon that faded into regret. To this day she still will not admit her mistake and I don’t know why. I’m afraid I’m going to be the dollar store,
Hello,
My fiance and I have been together for 12 years. We never actually tied the knot but we were married in our eyes. We have 2 small children 5 and 2. I work and she is a stay at home mom. 5 weeks ago we had an argument and she said she was done and left. I work overnight shift and swing which is brutal on me and her with small ones.
I love her more than I can express here in words. We argue about simple things but I love her. She says I am controlling, and I like to find reasons to argue. She told me she didn’t love me anymore. She is the type person who constantly stays on Facebook and other sm apps. Constantly wants to be with her friends doing something.
A week or so after she left she came to bring kids to visit and we had sex. I thought this was good she was coming home after that. No, she went back to her aunts house. After I got upset about her not coming home she went cold on me. Being distant, short.
I came across this site and have been reading it with other similar tactics on getting her back. I am trying to implement lrt now but I keep backsliding. I did get results when I first started it almost immediately. I thought she was missing me, she got really nice, then next day bam went cold again. It’s hard I have to talk to her daily for some reason or another. I’m afraid she is going to find another man and I’ll be yesterday’s news. I am having a hard time trying to better myself. I can’t go out and have fun or hang with friends. I devoted all my time in my family the last 6 years and have no friends. I work all the time. I’m so scared I’m loosing her for good and just need some help. My health is not good.
I want my family back. I barely see kids a couple days a month or so. I have had a knot in my stomach, with no appetite what’s so ever. Have dropped 15 lbs just from starvation. I can’t think straight which is effecting my work. Anything will help thanks
Dear Chris,
so glad you have found us here. We are all wishing you well at this time.
What you describe with the knot in your stomach and lack of appetite is a grief reaction to the shock of it all. Take it as easy as you can. I hope you can afford to lose the 15lbs. It is not unusual for our bodies and mind to shut down for a bit as we process things. Go gently with yourself.
It might pay to see a work counsellor. You cannot let your fear of losing her dictate your actions. most likely this will appear controlling if you do and from you email:
” I love her more than I can express here in words. We argue about simple things but I love her. She says I am controlling, and I like to find reasons to argue. She told me she didn’t love me anymore. She is the type person who constantly stays on Facebook and other sm apps. Constantly wants to be with her friends doing something.”
This paragragh tells you what you need to change. If your partner says you are controlling to them then you are, I am not criticising you but want you to take up the sword of change and fight for your self. So change this. I hear anger and resentment – you don’t feel appreciated by her. How come she can’t turn to you and find connection in the past? People use Facebook and friendships to check out and get their needs met. What needs were not being met?
These questions are to get you on track to deciding to learn and change. This is your best hope.
I do know it is not easy. Every time you think of her, do it with love and without fear.
As for your kids you need to work out with your wife a set routine for visits and connections. I can hear you want to step up as a family man and father. That is super – well done. I would do this step first. Do it in the spirit of love. Say something like, I want to help you and the children, would it be possible to set up a bit of a routine for seeing them and calling? What would suit you?
Hear how those are nice open questions, with your lovely intention of being a good Dad.
All the best.
Philipa
Hi Philipa,
This will be long as I have many questions and require some help so I hope that is alright.
My wife (31) and I (32) have been together for 12 years and married for 7 and have one 18 month old son. Our home dynamic is slightly different than most as She would be considered the main breadwinner while I work part time from home while raising our son.
We opened a successful business for her and it just made sense as she needed to be there and also the fact that I can run my part time business from home.
She has always been more outgoing than me for sure as I have always struggled with low self esteem and confidence even though I had such an amazing wife.
The last 2 years or even worse, the last 6 months have been extremely stressful for us, it just seemed that everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. Death of cherished pets and friends, extreme baby blues and anxiety for her, many unforeseen large payments, some downturn in business, etc.
Since the beginning of the year or possibly earlier she really started to do things like work out all the time and eventually started getting new haircuts, clothes, started going out more, joining sports, etc. I had been so stressed out that I had become distant for sure and I escaped into hobbies whenever I could. I’m also basically cooped up at home with our son as that’s where I have to work and she came and went as she pleased. I noticed the changes but didn’t really make a huge effort to acknowledge the changes, especially to her. Another major issue is she gets home really late from work and is a workaholic, always has been. That limited our time to be together even more.
Things seemed to be going on as normal as the last 6 months had, we had just had a good weekend I would say, then she goes to work and comes home seemingly fine and as we go to bed and she seems really down, I ask her if she’s ok and she says she’s just tired. I take it at face value. The next morning it is the same so I text her later to see if she’s ok and she says she is unhappy and want to separate. She doesn’t love me anymore and has felt this way for awhile and that there is no chance for getting back together. Of course, shock. I begin what most probably do and begin plead and beg, etc. for most of the day as I did not see it coming. We had just been intimate half a week earlier and had snuggled in bed only a few nights before. She had posted our anniversary and said she was so lucky to have found the perfect man only a month earlier. What could have changed? I sense that there does have to be love there somewhere still, just hidden under hurt maybe? She is adamant that there is nobody she is seeing and I believe her in that I can find no evidence of it.
I immediately scoured the internet for what to do and came across a few really good guides including this one. I immediately began implementing the techniques which are all very similar but have not noticed any meaningful change as of yet, she is so cold and angry. It’s been 5 full days since the crisis started and I’ve been on the couch. We interact mostly through our son right now but in conversations she is snappy and adds in little barbs at times like “nothings changed, we’re still divorcing”, etc. I’ve been keeping my calm and trying to remain as upbeat as possible. It sometimes seems to make her more mad that I am acting positive, is that normal right now at this early stage of crisis?
One thing I am really not sure on how to proceed is with things like household chores, making supper, etc. I’ve tried doing more of the things I know she had wanted me to do like washing clothes but all that happened is she snapped at me for washing hers. Should I be going out of my way to make food for her as that’s what I always did before or do anything extra around the house? She also still asks me to do things for her like dump the wheelbarrow or move something and I’ve been doing it immediately but should I be doing it so quickly like I always have? I’m really not sure here.
I did what I shouldn’t have done however from reading the techniques and searched her phone and Facebook for anything about us in regards to divorcing or infidelity and there was nothing until a message to one of her already divorced friends that said she was separating from me and that she had made up her mind but not to tell anyone about it. This really shook me but I kept my calm and said nothing of course. Is the fact that she told somebody else about this that it is final something that is normal in this situation or should I be even more worried?
In only these 5 days, I’ve had a long hard look at myself in the mirror and realize that I am the main cause of this and I need to change and grow. I’m realizing that her making the changes to herself were a plea for attention that I just wasn’t getting. I’m realizing that my low self confidence was keeping me from getting out with her more like she would have liked. I’m also feeling that she is resentful that I am home with our son while she is at work all day and doesn’t see him as much. I’m also thinking that at the same time, she thinks I don’t work as much as her because taking care of our son in addition to my business isn’t considered work to her.
It’s been extremely tough, I don’t have much of an appetite and can’t sleep but I’m trying to move forward as this has been the ultimate wake up call. I’m joining a gym to build my self confidence and will be trying to get out more with friends whenever possible. I’m also thinking that we need to place our son in day care so I can either completely focus on my business or other job to help ease her work burden, i’m just not sure how I would even bring that up at this point? Should I wait on something like that? I just think it can’t stay the same way it is now.
I’m also really finding that I need to apologize for everything that I did to cause this as I feel there is definitely some major misunderstandings between us. I never ever meant to make her feel unloved or unwanted or hurt. I’m not sure if this is a good idea or not but I really feel she needs to know this going forward. The other techniques for stopping divorce that I have been looking at say that the apology is necessary in the crisis stage, if even just to clear up the misunderstandings and not realizing they were unhappy. A sealed sincere apology letter (NOT love letter) left at her office REALLY taking ownership of my role in this as well as how I want our marriage to continue but not the way it was before, it has to better and that I’m committed to that seems to be the best option. Is this advisable now or a little bit down the road once there is a little more calm? How should I proceed as I really feel she needs to know my ownership of this mess sooner rather than later?
Is there a chance to save my marriage? I’m assuming it will get worse before it gets better right? I’m really scared right now that we will lose everything we worked so hard for in addition to really damaging our son’s future. Any insight you have into my situation would be really helpful.
Thank you.
Dear Brett,
I do hope I manage to address most of yoru questions. I can get a bit lost sometimes with a long email.
Sorry everyone for the delay, I have been moving house.
True I am all for a good apology. Really make it a superb one with no justifications or reasons. Really own your part in all this and the effect it may have had on your spouse. Check out the book section for the five languages of Apology. Let go of any outcome around this. I don’t think a letter is the way to go but it’s up to you. I would definitely go lightly on what you want. Focus on her and her needs at this point is my suggestion for healing. It may be cathartic.
Like I said you are not at the court house so there is every chance. Put the guilt trip away about damaging your son, this will only happen if you fight things. You have to have a decent relationship no matter what form this takes for your sons future. I am hopeful you are really looking at yourself from your email. So stop thinking too much Brett and work more on you.
Well done!
Hope this helps and I certainly think you are in with a great chance at saving your marriage. Patience will be your best ally.
Cheers Philipa
Keep up the good work around the house, be warn and kind but kick in step 2 and get a life too. And yep don’t snoop on the phone or email it never seems to help anyone. Nothing is final until you’ve been to the court house in a divorce and five days in gives you a good chance to turn things around.
I am impressed with your paragraph here :In only these 5 days, I’ve had a long hard look at myself in the mirror and realize that I am the main cause of this and I need to change and grow. I’m realizing that her making the changes to herself were a plea for attention that I just wasn’t getting. I’m realizing that my low self confidence was keeping me from getting out with her more like she would have liked.
So know Brett it will take a some time for you to instigate change and for your wife to see those changes are sticking. This is where time is on your side.
I know you think she is resentful and she may be. I’d also guess being a mum she may be feeling guilty not being there as much as she would like for her child. Mother guilt is really common. I am suggesting this only to raise your awareness. You don’t address this with her, as you know that is not the LRt way. I only aim to inform.
Hi Philipa,
This will be long as I have many questions and require some help so I hope that is alright.
My wife (31) and I (32) have been together for 12 years and married for 7 and have one 18 month old son. Our home dynamic is slightly different than most as She would be considered the main breadwinner while I work part time from home while raising our son.
We opened a successful business for her and it just made sense as she needed to be there and also the fact that I can run my part time business from home.
She has always been more outgoing than me for sure as I have always struggled with low self esteem and confidence even though I had such an amazing wife.
The last 2 years or even worse, the last 6 months have been extremely stressful for us, it just seemed that everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. Death of cherished pets and friends, extreme baby blues and anxiety for her, many unforeseen large payments, some downturn in business, etc.
Since the beginning of the year or possibly earlier she really started to do things like work out all the time and eventually started getting new haircuts, clothes, started going out more, joining sports, etc. I had been so stressed out that I had become distant for sure and I escaped into hobbies whenever I could. I’m also basically cooped up at home with our son as that’s where I have to work and she came and went as she pleased. I noticed the changes but didn’t really make a huge effort to acknowledge the changes, especially to her. Another major issue is she gets home really late from work and is a workaholic, always has been. That limited our time to be together even more.
Things seemed to be going on as normal as the last 6 months had, we had just had a good weekend I would say, then she goes to work and comes home seemingly fine and as we go to bed and she seems really down, I ask her if she’s ok and she says she’s just tired. I take it at face value. The next morning it is the same so I text her later to see if she’s ok and she says she is unhappy and want to separate. She doesn’t love me anymore and has felt this way for awhile and that there is no chance for getting back together. Of course, shock. I begin what most probably do and begin plead and beg, etc. for most of the day as I did not see it coming. We had just been intimate half a week earlier and had snuggled in bed only a few nights before. She had posted our anniversary and said she was so lucky to have found the perfect man only a month earlier. What could have changed? I sense that there does have to be love there somewhere still, just hidden under hurt maybe? She is adamant that there is nobody she is seeing and I believe her in that I can find no evidence of it.
I immediately scoured the internet for what to do and came across a few really good guides including this one. I immediately began implementing the techniques which are all very similar but have not noticed any meaningful change as of yet, she is so cold and angry. It’s been 5 full days since the crisis started and I’ve been on the couch. We interact mostly through our son right now but in conversations she is snappy and adds in little barbs at times like “nothings changed, we’re still divorcing”, etc. I’ve been keeping my calm and trying to remain as upbeat as possible. It sometimes seems to make her more mad that I am acting positive, is that normal right now at this early stage of crisis?
One thing I am really not sure on how to proceed is with things like household chores, making supper, etc. I’ve tried doing more of the things I know she had wanted me to do like washing clothes but all that happened is she snapped at me for washing hers. Should I be going out of my way to make food for her as that’s what I always did before or do anything extra around the house? She also still asks me to do things for her like dump the wheelbarrow or move something and I’ve been doing it immediately but should I be doing it so quickly like I always have? I’m really not sure here.
I did what I shouldn’t have done however from reading the techniques and searched her phone for anything about us in regards to divorcing or infidelity and there was nothing until a message to one of her already divorced friends that said she was separating from me and that she had made up her mind but not to tell anyone about it. This really shook me but I kept my calm and said nothing of course. Is the fact that she told somebody else about this that it is final something that is normal in this situation or should I be even more worried?
In only these 5 days, I’ve had a long hard look at myself in the mirror and realize that I am the main cause of this and I need to change and grow. I’m realizing that her making the changes to herself were a plea for attention that I just wasn’t getting. I’m realizing that my low self confidence was keeping me from getting out with her more like she would have liked. I’m also feeling that she is resentful that I am home with our son while she is at work all day and doesn’t see him as much. I’m also thinking that at the same time, she thinks I don’t work as much as her because taking care of our son in addition to my business isn’t considered work to her.
It’s been extremely tough, I don’t have much of an appetite and can’t sleep but I’m trying to move forward as this has been the ultimate wake up call. I’m joining a gym to build my self confidence and will be trying to get out more with friends whenever possible. I’m also thinking that we need to place our son in day care so I can either completely focus on my business or other job to help ease her work burden, i’m just not sure how I would even bring that up at this point? Should I wait on something like that?
I’m also really finding that I need to apologize for everything that I did to cause this as I feel there is definitely some major misunderstandings between us. I never ever meant to make her feel unloved or unwanted or hurt. I’m not sure if this is a good idea or not but I really feel she needs to know this going forward. The other techniques for stopping divorce that I have been looking at say that the apology is necessary in the crisis stage, if even just to clear up the misunderstandings and not realizing they were unhappy. A sealed sincere apology letter (NOT love letter) left at her office REALLY taking ownership of my role in this as well as how I want our marriage to continue but not the way it was before, it has to better and that I’m committed to that seems to be the best option. Is this advisable now or a little bit down the road once there is a little more calm? How should I proceed as I really feel she needs to know my ownership of this mess?
Is there a chance to save my marriage? I’m assuming it will get worse before it gets better right? I’m really scared right now that we will lose everything we worked so hard for in addition to really damaging our son’s future. Any insight you have into my situation would be really helpful.
Hello,
My name is Jorgen. I am from Canada. My wife is a Korean national. She left me nearly four weeks ago. She has taken my toddler son with her. He was born in Canada. Ever since then, she has refused to let me even see a recent picture of my son. She and her mother and brother won’t answer my messages.
She has made false allegations against me with respect to domestic violence. I never touched her. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I have a clean criminal record both here and in Canada. Ever since I moved to Korea last year, I have had periods of anxiety. I felt stressed. We had many arguments. She claimed that she had filed for a divorce, but I checked with the family court and her claim was false. She has, however, filed a lawsuit against me with police. I still love my wife very much and I keep telling her that I don’t want divorce because our problems are mainly due to cultural differences and my struggles trying to readjust to the new place. I must add that she left me once before in 2013, only a few months after we got married. She left Canada and after a couple of months reappeared in South Korea. For the first couple of months she blocked me. This time she’s doing the same. The only difference now is that we have a child together. I must add that she has no job or any prospects. She is in her late thirties. This worries me, as I am not sure how she could possibly support herself and our son. She doesn’t have rich parents to help her. In fact, her mother is a cleaning lady and her father is dead. I have started doing counseling and therapy to deal with my issues and I hope and pray that my wife will make the right decision, especially for the sake of our child. I believe that I need to take my time focus on changing myself to show that I am a different man. Having said that, I am not sure if my wife is serious about getting a divorce and if so then we can separate amicably. I still want to save my marriage and sincerely hope that my wife will embrace hope. Some mutual Korean friends think that I should wait for as long as it takes for my wife and son to return, if I truly love them. However, I am confused by my wife’s domestic violence allegations. We had serious arguments. As I mentioned (I also said that to the offer in charge) that my anger and stress have been caused by my anxiety and the pressures of living in a new place. I am now taking steps to fix my issues.
I would greatly appreciate your advice.
Jorgen
Seoul, South Korea
Dear Jorgen,
From your email I can hear you are desperate to understand your wife and how your relationship has gotten to this point not once but twice now.
Super pleased you are in therapy and gaining some insights.
To be honest I don’t think your issues are mainly cultural differences. I am hearing you guys argued a good deal. Most of us want to stop the arguing. One way to do this is to exit the relationship.
This is what I see most people in my office complaining about -they cannot discuss their hot topics or differences of opinion without it escalating into the danger zone. Safety needs to be there for open communication. I am talking here about emotional safety.
Here’s your email stating some key issues” However, I am confused by my wife’s domestic violence allegations. We had serious arguments. As I mentioned (I also said that to the offer in charge) that my anger and stress have been caused by my anxiety and the pressures of living in a new place. I am now taking steps to fix my issues. ”
Serious arguments can actually be a form of domestic abuse. I know Jorgen you would never raise a hand to your wife and I do hope you have not thrown anything or hit walls in her presence or driven angrily in the heat of an argument.
I am going out on a limb but I bet you are a strapping 6 foot tall guy and your wife is a tad smaller in physique than you. Men do not often realise what it is like to have someone stand over them. I am not saying you do stand over your wife .But get the picture in the physcial difference of the lion versus the gazelle. When the gazelle hears the lion roar, it doesn’t stand around waiting for it’s next utterance. You are smart I know you are getting what I am clumsily saying late at night in Australia here!
When we are anxious and stressed we can be irritable, and express ourselves aggressively. This is what I believe your wife would be referring to. Your therapist will assist you to really think about this I am sure.
Here is some information from the website NSW Government -What is Domestic Violence?
What is domestic violence?
Domestic and family violence is violent, abusive or intimidating behaviour in a relationship. This relationship can be a partner, carer or family member.
Abusive behaviour isn’t just physical violence. It can be any behaviour meant to control, dominate, humiliate or scare the other person.
Domestic and family violence can include lots of different types of abuse. A person does not need to experience all of these types of abuse for it to be domestic or family violence.
Types of abuse can include:
Verbal abuse
swearing and continual humiliation, in private or in public
attacks on intelligence, sexuality, body image and capacity as a parent and spouse.
Psychological abuse
driving dangerously
destroying property
abusing pets in front of family members
making threats regarding custody of any children
saying that the police and the courts will not help, support or believe the victim
threatening to ‘out’ the person.
Emotional abuse
blaming the victim for all problems in the relationship
constantly comparing the victim with others to undermine their-esteem and self-worth
sporadic sulking
withdrawing all interest and engagement (for example weeks of silent treatment)
emotional blackmail and suicidal threats.
Domestic abuse – can be in the form of yelling, name calling, put downs and other emotional abuse. Not allowing access to her own money would also constitute financial abuse. Of course you will be providing for your wife and child practically I am sure. This is a given as your spouse is looking after your son.
So proud of you for taking the steps to fix and heal your issues, I hope this offers you some clarity. Of course it’s only my take and I would be interested to hear more of others responses, please comment on your experience.
Wishing you all the best Jorgen,
Warmly Philipa
Hi Pihillipa,
I wish I would have found this months ago, I was the one who left my wife her relationship wiht our child was horrible he is and was and still is so upset about how she ignored him and the painfull things she said to him.
We used to also always fight, often as she would grasp on small things and just go for it, sex disapeart in the last 6 years so I also withdrew and became more disant. Until I said I want to separate then naturally i get the best sex ever, we did separate and even still sex and wen were meeting up.
A month later after seperation one night she acted out of character, she started ringing our child (hes with me 24×7) 2, 3 ,5pm and then stopped when I text her no reply, when I called her back alter that night no reply. When I saw her the next day I was 100% sure what had happened, somone had seen her and I noticed yes I looked to see if she had a dating profile and I did notice her email was active for login not that I could read her email but if you try to login it said wrong password….. I did sadly confront her with my knowledge saying I know etc and she gave me nothing but lies 5 different stories that ended up in the one that I said to her would have been the best one. She also went from hey lets play to no dont toucvh me, a giveaway that a physical thing had happend (tro me) . I felt heart broken I lost a lot of weight great diet starter trick, a whileI stmbled across that she had accidentally cc’d me in her inital chat messages.
I went a bit stupid and mean to her after that I mean we had separated its her right to do as she pleases, but I was so hurt, my suspicion is she is still in the relation ship I have tried to see what is out there and failed I cant focus on other women I am not interested I was so hurt that after such a short time she moved and I thought we were actually getting on better. I guess had I done the LRT maybe, I dont know if its worth doing now she is doing it way better then I ever could. shes business like to me short abrupt unless is about the child.
Now I am left with knowing she lies a lot, knowing she has already grabbed the first guy (literally) and went for it, I will try LRT as I need to focus on me and buiuld myself up and ignore her. I wonder if its even worth it after the hurt, my behavior, a child who does not want his mother, me who thinks the split is good for both of us as we are both growing and would need to grow if we would ever have any chance together and then there is my replacement. Makes me feel like a case of to little to late, or is it normal for woman to so quickly jump into bed with another man ? The day before her date she was with me making out. Sigh and then there is the case of the child.
Thanks for your time and your great article, I am learning a lot about me and what needs improvement in me to change.
I did even have a moment of full turn around and wanted nothing other then just move past this and restart teh clock. But that time I got rejected. But I like in your technique in a way it is the process of healing that we all have to do to get over the pain.
Dave thanks for your praise and glad you have found the LRT.
I kinda feel like I need to give you a bit of tough love here. You are getting it that your hurt has not been the best thing to be expressing at this time.
I also have a sense of urgency for your child. He is watching you and how you are acting with your wife. He’s taking his cues off of you. Please do not allow him to disrepect his mother.
Honestly I want to urge you guys into family therapy in an ambulance with the sirens running right now. Your child needs you both to step up and get over yourselves and your issues.
Sorry to be blunt but I am a child advocate. Glad you are taking all this on board learnign a lot and what you can do to be the best you Dave. Do it well.
All the best and let us know your progress,
Cheers Philipa
Me and my wife have been growing apart. Early this week she disappeared and when she finally showed back up she said she was done with me there’s no chance but I feel there may still be a sliver of love. She is staying at her moms and I’m afraid there is another man and I’m falling apart.
I have started no contact with a few bumps and started building on myself. Lots of time with friends and people I haven’t seen in a long time. I’ve started looking inside myself for answers to what happend and found I had grown cold. I never showed her affection and I was not communicating. She has brought up doing the divorce paperwork sometime and that she would let me know but hasn’t said anymore since then. Today I Dug some notes out of the trash that I angrily threw there when she came to get her stuff she write them to me back when we first moved in together that I’ve never read until now and it’s basically a diary of us. Could I use this glimpse into the past in some way to help me? And how long should I do the no contact? And does this sound hopeless and extra advice? Also how can I show her I’ve learned and changed without ever seeing her she lives a long way away
Also my wife is very easily annoyed by me now it started with a lot of crying .I always thought she was overreacting or just wanting to gripe. Awhile back she started smoking weed all the time which I’m ok with except she didn’t know when to stop and it got on my nerves not being able to even hold a conversation with my wife. After several months of this my parents asked me one day if I love my wife puzzled I answered their question. They told me I was not looking at her the same and I was being rude. I started watching my tongue and things started getting better but she kept smoking way to much. I told her that I thought she may be smoking to much. She told me it killed the bad emotions built up from me being poor at communicating and she kept on smoking the same. I started working on communication but buy this time crying turned into anger . Her anger towards me made me she’ll up and crow cold and non affectionate. This went on for months . Finally she stopped smoking I thought maybe this was time for things to get better. Next week is where my first post begins missing wife a state wide police search and then me being left I hope this is enough info ! I did mess up and posted about my divorce and what I learned about myself from it to help someone before they get to that point on Facebook which seemed to really anger her. If there’s any questions I could answer to possibly get better help please ask them.
Sorry for so many things but I forgot one important detail her mom and grandma which she now lives with will push her into doing things that she later regrets. Ie she used to be a manager At a dollar store. Her boss was somewhat rude. One day we went to her moms house and she was complaining about her boss. Her mom and grandma started telling her she should just quit she didn’t need that in her life. That in turf starting firing her up and making her cry . Needless to say she quit. I tried talking her out of it knowing she would regret it but she didn’t listen. For a short time it made her happy that she was done with that place. Soon that faded into regret. To this day she still will not admit her mistake and I don’t know why. I’m afraid I’m going to be the dollar store,
Hi,
My wife told me, about 2 months ago, that she has fallen out of love. That she doesn’t see the future with me anymore. We have a 3 year old daughter. our daughter is with our family for a vacation abroad. Me and my wife are the only people in the house. She said that she felt neglected during the past 1 1/2 years as I only mainly focused on our daughter. She also said that she felt I was liking someone from my office (which is absolutely not true). She also brought up a lot of things like me not being a great provider. There was a point when I worked 2 jobs and had to juggle my schedule just so I will be the one to attend to the child. I even had to do evening shifts so my wife don’t have to worry about being absent from her work just to look after our child. I just had to give up my part time job because we both decided not to take the child to the daycare anymore. I told her that since we have a small child, it was just fatherly instinct that I focus more on the child because she’s growing up. I do chores in the house like cleaning, laundry, cleaning her stuff etc., shoveling snow, washing the cars to show her how much I love and care for her. She said that our intimacy diminished after our child was born. I never forget special occasions during that time and always as much as I can give her gifts. We are still living in the same house. We talk about our child, sometimes our work. She ask me about my plans and questions about the study that I will be taking up soon. We still decide on things together like what furnitures to buy, talk about plans for our daughter. She sometimes ask me about work. I still wake up early in the morning to send her off to work, which I think she doesn’t mind. Although we sleep in separate rooms, do groceries separately, and goes out separately. Most of the time, she only spends time with friends that I know of. Also, right now she doesn’t wear our wedding ring. Once, I noticed she wore it when she met her relatives. We don’t go out on a date and have no physical contact/sex. I am very close to her family and relatives, and they want us to get back together. She said during the early days of this situation, she wants time to think things thru. And that maybe during this time she will miss me again. Although she doesn’t know until when. I also tried snooping on her Facebook account to check her conversations with friends, but didn’t find anything suspicious. I confronted her, and she got upset because I invaded her privacy. Although I think she has moved on from this, and remember her mention she doesn’t want to talk about it again. Every now and then we still eat dinner/lunch in the dining table together. Most of the time she eats inside her room. Do you think I need to do the LRT? I’m confused.
Dear Rx,
thanks for your email, you are in a tight spot there.
To answer your question – No you do not need to do the LRT. You guys sound more like flatmates than partners. Rx you have to fight for your relationship with a hang of a lot more energy than you have. Unless you want it to die the slow death it is going through now. Seriously if you do nothing you will have nothing.
Your wife has told you some great things. However you gave her reasons for your behaviour but I am not hearing you changed anything.
I am concerned at your focus on your child, work and now study as a means to get your needs met. it is as if you are avoidng your marital problems. Totally get why we do that so we can feel the unconditional love of our child, the safety of the workplace and feeling useful and respected. All things you and your spouse are missing your marriage, I would suspect.
I’d guarantee you, your wife would say she is lonely, just as you are I’d bet. You are living parallel lives. Take a risk and grow.
My advice is get some good marital therapy. Ask your wife in too.
Please do this instead of the LRT. Otherwise I am afraid you are heading for divorce by neglect. Then you will have to do the LRT.
Hope this offers clarity for you,
Best Wishes,
Philipa
Hi!
I have been reading your website and went through all the comments during the last few weeks now. So basically I am 34 yo and my husband of one year is 61. It is my second marriage and his first, neither of us have children although I communicated clearly when we were dating that I would love to have them. We did split up briefly whilst we were dating because he wasn’t ready to commit and he didn’t “see himself as a father” only for him to come back and propose to me several months after we met and saying that he wants to have a family with me. So we married last May, all very happy and blissful and tried for a baby straight away which doesn’t happen so quickly unfortunately…. Then last June, one month after we got married, I got hormonal or something and I was ‘grumpy’ while we were in a long car journey to his friends. It was only for a few hours…! Then after that he said that we have problems with communication and should postpone with the children and it just all somehow spiralled downhill. I felt upset that he let me down only because of such a silly thing for which I apologised… as he was withdrawing and distant and he kept complaining that I argue and we ‘don’t talk’. He has stopped all intimacy with me for nearly a year and neither of us can’t get ourselves out of here. I want to try… I do ok for a week, when I pretend that I am happy and living.. and pursuing tooo… and then I just break down because I miss his love and affection so much and then we argue, I cry and the circle starts again until I pretend that I am ok. I am not ok!!! I miss the intimacy and I miss the husband I married to. We tried the therapy but he hated it and resented me even more for putting him through that. LRT is probably my last chance because he starts to talk that it doesn’t work and we need to ‘decide’ how to go forward. I told him that I have nothing to decide as I want to spend the rest of my life with him… yet he still hasn’t even touched me. I feel lonely and undesirable… and I miss sex too! And the life I was dreaming about. I wanted to know how to build the LRT ‘character ‘ and stay strong and confident without breaking down for more than a week? I just somehow don’t seem to manage it and lose it… only to ruin all my hard work. X
Dear Jane,
oh you poor thing! This has been going on for a long time. So sorry it is a desperate place for you.
You have to get a therapist that will be there for both of you. Or get a therapist that will help you grow.
As you have seen in the comments I recommend Imago Therapists, Here is an article you may be interested in : href=”http://bigthink.com/philip-perry/imago-theory-explains-why-we-choose-a-partner-that-fits-with-our-past” rel=”noopener” target=”_blank”>Why we choose a partner that fits…
Here is a Imago therapist directory. Actually they do a great workshop that I suggest you would really benefit from Getting the Love You Want – Couples Weekend Workshop
This is what I suggest would be your best bet. Good luck and let us know how you go with the advice and what you take up!
Best Wishes
Philipa
Dear Philippa,
I also have A question about pursuing. My husband doesn’t initiate any affection- like holding hands or giving a kiss in the morning like he used to. Do I during LRT time don’t pursue at all- and I mean the small things- like looking for his hand in the car journey or touching his shoulder when he passes by or going to his office and cuddle him, or kissing good night? Or even make a cup of tea because I want to be nice? Do I stop planning the weekends away as well? Do I stop all kind of initiation? I just feel that I might look cold and rude in his eyes? I just act happy, get a life and don’t touch or kiss him at all? Could you clarify this.
Dear Jane,
yes you stop all forms of pursuit and initiation.
Definitely no touching him, kissing him unless he approaches first. Certainly no planning trips away.
I would still make a him a cup of tea if your making one, just like you would a friend.
Be warm and friendly, be happy get a life and wait for him to make the moves.
Hope this clarifies this for you Jane.
You may need to deal with your fears and insecurity that arise as you make these changes to your behaviour. Because if you think about what the touch and being nice means to you you may have some feelings come up that need to be addressed for you ( not with him!) I say this as it seems you are doing way too much in the relationship. Let him do some work, wait and see.
Wishing you all the luck in the world,
Philipa
Should I tell my spouse I’m letting go and focusing on me or should I just do it?
Dear John,
its a case of actions speak louder here. So just do it.
Let us know your journey,
and good luck!
Philipa
Dear Philipa,
I am writing to you as my last resort.
Me(36 years old)and my husband (42 y.o.) were married only for 8 months after dating for 2 years. I think we are both in a lot of confusion.
We separated 2 months ago and I was pushed to move out.
He told me that he wants divorce in front of his father( who lived with us) and family who came to visit from abroad.
He didn’t have a courage to talk to me face to face, hid behind his father& family and isolated me from him while we were still living in father-in law house.
I was devasteted and couldn’t stay in a place where I am not welcome.
The reason he stated for divorce is our different expectations, background and communication issues.
I didn’t agree to that statement.
He decided that he wants divorce after I ask him to move out from his father house and start our family independently as a new unit. I agreed before wedding to live with him and his father but realised quicky that doesn’t work. We lack on privacy and my husband behaved like a boy with his father always around.
I respected his father care about us, but I felt like we are kids. My husband wasn’t bothered because the father was in charge. It was his house and i respected that.
The problem was that I felt I am not there on equal rights, especially when i wanted to invite my family to visit and stay over ex. my mother.
I was very upset when my husband said ,,NO,, and kept repeating me that this is his father house, not a hotel. That was unreasonable , because my mother came only once so far. His father also dissaproved me going to travel and visit my family living abroad. He said that I am not single lady anymore and have new family( him and his father) so I should cut my bond with my roots etc
It was unbearable to live in a such a demanding environment.
On my request for us to move out, my husband told me that if I don’t like it and don’t want to follow their rules, I will have to leave alone which means Divorce.
His father( fit 71 y.o) also didn’t agree on my husband to move out and supported his decision.
Following that converstatiin they made me to leave the house and threaten me with police when i kept coming back to collect my things. My husband didn’t want to talk to me and only through solicitor.
His unreasonable behaviour is hard for me to understand, since I haven’t done anything wrong.
I know he suffers high anxiety condition, so that also elevates the problem.
We had good communication between us and no problems when his family didn’t interfere. I know that his dominant father pushed him to cut me off completly. My husband is the only child to his father.
I went to collect my belongings from his house with assistance of police because I wasn’t sure what he or his father could say to me.
I come to terms to accept that we are not together.
Started your Last Resort technique. I’ve applied to study from September, taking time to heal, move a lot and spend time with friends.
I still love my husband even though he behave cowardly, involved all his family in our family, let others to destroy our marriage.
My solicitor said that she never came across such a case that father with a son wanted to divorce a woman who only stood up for herself and right to respect.
Although I know there is no hope, I still secretly believe that he’ll come back to his mind and call or text. He will realise that he needs to mature, grow up and take responsibility for our marriage.
I don’t want to bother him, so I focused on re-building my life.
Is there anything else I could do?
Shall I send him an e-mail to re-consider our marriage?
I saw him last time two weeks ago when I went to remove reminder of my belongings. He kept quiet but polite towards me.
I initiated goodbye hug before leaving and although he was a bit hesitant he opened his arms.
He can only file for divorce after one year of us being married which is on 1st of July.
So there is a month before he can send petition.
I feel helpless because I am aware that his family influenced him and even if he wanted to try to fix things between us, he will keep quiet.
On the other hand, I am conscious of the fact that being with somebody who stands against you with family when conflit arise, inability to discuss things and avoid responsibility to look for solutions would make my life misarable with him, so perhaps I should consider breakdown of our marriage as a blessing?!
Is there anything else I could do in this No Hope situation ?
Thank you for advice
Dear Anna,
you need to read your own letter here back to yourself girl!
Look usually I advocate for marriage continuance unless there’s the insurmountable but there are times when it was not going to be in the best interests of anyone to continue to flog a dead horse as they say where I come from.
What advice would you give your best friend hearing how poorly she was treated?
You have a real opportunity to learn that you require more from both yourself and your partner. This did not happen here. Your husband cannot leave the nest, but Anna you must fly!
Is it love or dependence? I know you care about him but love is a two way street.
You must have someone who will have your back and stand up for you. A partner who will listen, negotiate and talk things through. Was that what you had or something else Anna?
I want you to read your last paragraph daily : “On the other hand, I am conscious of the fact that being with somebody who stands against you with family when conflit arise, inability to discuss things and avoid responsibility to look for solutions would make my life misarable with him, so perhaps I should consider breakdown of our marriage as a blessing?!”
Taking your last sentence really in. You can see the truth here, you are totally aware. You are wise -you know the answer. It’s all in your email.
You will write one day and say the best man found me and he treats me wonderfully.
Wishing you all the best, Anna.
Warmly Philipa
Dear Philipa,
Thank you for your time to read my letter and your quick reply.
I truly appreciate your honest answer. Perhaps I needed to hear that from professional counsellor.
I believe I can fly! 🙂
Warm wishes, Anna
Dear Anna,
you are so welcome – sweetheart. I want you to build yourself up find someone to help you really soar.
Yay fly to the heights!
Let us know your progress.
All the very best,
warmly Philipa
Hey. I have been married 4 years and 3 years dating. In jan we were living together but separated. Then she moved away to live with her mom. This whole time instead of focus on myself. I have been stalking her on social media and I told her since I was feeling guilty. Then that’s when she told me you will never change. That’s when she said she wants a divorce and doesn’t want to be married anymore. Also said her final goodbye to me. So instead of giving her space and focusing on myself I was chasing her over and over again. So now I don’t know how to live with myself because it’s my fault that she left. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Dear Joshua,
I applaud you for your insight. Yep focusing on yourself can be deadly to a partnership.
From your email my guess is you are suffering from underlying anxiety, you are feeling insecure possibly leading you to behave in ways sadly that will push her away like cyber stalking.
Most respectfully you need to deal with this part of you that’s insecure. Most often these parts lead to controlling types of actions rather than openness and freedom.
So glad you are reviewing things.
Take care and all the best for your future,
Regards Philipa
Hello my husband and I have been married for 2 years. We have been together for a total of 6 years. We have no children together but combined we have 5 children. We recently separated 4 weeks ago. I was the one who asked him leave the house. Right afterwards I felt remorseful and I instantly regretted asking him to leave. I love My husband and I really overreacted at the time and I should not have asked him to leave. I was Upset still for something that had happened 2 weeks prior and he never really apologized to me he just went on as if nothing happened but I was Still hurt and angry. Since we have been separated we have seen each other 3-4 times at first he did not want to see me and he was very angry with me. Then we had a few lunch dates and I would not bring up him coming home or anything but we would talk and laugh and even kiss and hug and say I love You and miss you. Then all of a sudden he stops talking to me I would call him text him send him emails through Facebook and he would just straight up ignore me so I continued to do it. Then I finally went to see him at my father in laws house and he looked so upset to see me he basically told me to leave him alone and for me to chill out. He won’t say if we are going to work on our marriage or not and when I ask Him he just says he does not want to talk about it. All his stuff his still at our house and I feel lost and confused. At first it seemed as if we were doing ok, then now we have not talked at all it’s been a week now. He says he will call me when he feels like it but It’s already been a week with no contact. What should I do? Am I doing the right thing by not contacting him? And how long should I wait for him to call me?
Dear Teresa,
from your email it sounds like there is some communication issues that have caused you both despair.
Yes you need to do the LRT let him contact you, so yes you are doing the right thing by not contacting him. You wait as long as it takes. Get some help to review your hurt, anger and expectations. Holding onto stuff for two weeks is too much honey! You really don’t need to carry that load.
All the best Philipa
Dear Philips,
My husband and I have been together 12 years, married 10 years. We have a 9year old son. Over time there has been bitter feelings. I suffer from seasonal depression, which he said is a lot to handle, which it is. I just started talking my medication again, and it’s helping. Over the past 6 months we have been like roommates. He says he doesn’t ask for sex, because he’s sick of being turned down. To be honest, I have not turned him down in years. I am more often the instigator.
So, two weeks ago, his grandmother passed away. He got very distant with me. A few days, on a Friday, he left to go visit a friend, and didn’t come back until 9a. He later left again, and didn’t return until 10a on Sunday. He snapped at me, by saying, I was distant on Monday and Tuesday, then on Wednesday, when his grandmother passed away, I changed gears and was being all nice to him. He then said he was leaving me. I was shocked! He is still in the house, and he was still sleeping in our bed during the week. On the weekend, he left again. A few days ago I told him,”I would love for you to sleep next to me forever, but for now my heart can’t handle it.” He would sleep next to me, but would cocoon himself she there was no touching. I looked at phone records and discovered a whole bunch of communications between he and other women. I asked him about one, and he admitted to starting to see her, after he told me he was leaving. He’s with her again tonight. He said he’s moving. I think he’s been unhappy for a long time. I stopped appreciating him. But he never told me in words, and I didn’t pay attention to his actions, as I should have. I’ve done everything wrong over the past few weeks. I’m falling apart. I’m begging, chasing.
I started to stop all of that.
Is it over for good? Have couples recovered from anything like this? What should I focus on the most?
I love my husband. I never thought I would ever consider forgiving an affair, however, here I am. Through this whole thing, I have not been mad or angry. I’ve feel hurt, disappointed, lost and scared.
Thank you for your time.
Dear Jennifer,
thanks for your email, sorry your husband has taken this exit.
You both have had a tough time.
While antidepressants are useful for symptom relief, and i am glad you are being helping I believe therapy will help you address the disappointment, hurt, anger and whatever else lies within.
Nothing is over till it’s over. You have had good times and memories. Much more than any third party to let go of that and refocus on you.
Give yourself a make over – mentally, physically and emotionally. You need to get to a new place within you!
Yes couples recover but it takes work. The first step is the LRT and then you really must work on the relationship in couples therapy when you are securely back together to prevent this recurring.
You are not the first person I have heard to say they would never have considered forgiving an affair until it happened to them. The affair is only a symptom.
Please keep us in the loop with your progress.
Focus on healing you xox
All the best Philipa
Thank you for your response Philipa! Apparently, his affair is more serious than I thought. He is acting like I am the enemy. He’s been going out drinking with her and staying out until 3, 4, 5a. And leaving all/most weekends. He’s even acting differently with our son. He says he’s leaving, but he kept staying in our bed. I finally asked him to sleep in a different room. He is still leaving me, and still actively seeing her, and is still living here! He is Flaunting it in my face the whole time. I am doing my best to keep moving forward, to gain my dignity back, as you have said. I’m just very disappointed in the man that has been my husband. He is acting like he’s infatuated with her, acting like a teenager. They text every 2-6 minutes. He’s 41, she’s 27.
I’m so hurt, lost, confused. But doing my best to go forward.
Thank you so much for your time.
-Jen
Dear Jen,
very tough spot having it so much in your face like that. I get a sense you may be angry there, perhaps you have become the enemy unwittingly. Watch as this can push your husband away. You need to be cool as a cucumber knowing you have all the history.
I see you are feeling in a dark place be gentle and compassionate with yourself. Do your best for
you!
Best Wishes Philipa
Take care
My husband of 8 years told me that he hasn’t loved me for a long time & has only stayed for our 3 kids. He moved out of stated over 3 months ago. He has not called, text, or emailed. He will only text if he wants to be intimate! He will only call our children every 4-5 days & if they miss the call it will be another 4-5 days when he’ll call again. He had bought new expensive motorcycles etc . . .
Hell be 30 this year, has a fairly new business, a lot more money than before. This is the second time he has moved out, the first was 3 years ago that lasted 5 days. He only went to 2 marriage counseling meeting & basically said that if I where to be fixed everything would be good.
Should I just move on & stop clinging on to hope?
Thank you
Dear Yenny,
sorry to hear things have taken this turn and for a second time.
Ok my first thought is the children need to have more routine in place and some Dad time. Do you have family mediators in your area? I would seek some family therapy if possible.
I don’t quite understand how you can be texting if he wants intimacy. You definitely need to be less available.
Guys need to work hard for something and when they do they take care of it. Bet he looks after his motorbike polishing, oiling and riding.
And yes you need to apply the LRT which is your best hope. Take care sweetie.
And wishing you good luck.
Cheers Philipa
Hello Philipa,
I’m so glad I found your website. I have read through many of these comments and it helps to know that I am not alone in my situation especially when I feel so isolated right now. You seem so responsive and I am looking for advice.
My husband of 10 years told me 2 weeks ago that he doesn’t have the same feelings for me that he used to (he still loves me as the mother of his child and cares for me, just isn’t sure that he wants to be married to me) and he doesn’t know what he wants for his future. He says he has no immediate plans to leave but he is obviously considering divorce to be an option, and I don’t even want to think about that!
I became detached a little over 3 years ago after the birth of our son. I am sure now that I have been fighting post-partum depression since he was born. That detachment only intensified over the past year and a half as our son has been fighting multiple serious medical conditions. There have been nights I didn’t know if he would survive or if he did I wondered if he would be the same little boy in the end. I have devoted all of my energy to my child’s needs and wants, at the expense of my marriage. I routinely pushed my husband away – I didn’t want him to touch me and we stopped talking about much of anything meaningful.
We have very little alone time for the past year – it seems every time we tried to plan something we would unexpectedly end up in the hospital with our son, sometimes overnight, sometimes for a week. He is unable to be left with “regular” babysitters because of his medical needs and we have no family support in our area.
In addition to the stressors of our son’s illness, my husband found out that he also has some medical issues that need attention. On top of that, his father passed away recently. He says his head is spinning. He seems to be questioning everything about his life and is becoming a much different person than he was even a month ago.
To find out my husband loves me but is no longer “in love” with me was devastating for me to hear and I panicked of course, telling him over and over how sorry I was and that I would do anything not to lose him.
I now see that my clinginess is pushing him even further away and I have tried to calm down and step back. We had a date night planned before our discussion and it was a wonderful evening, the best we’ve had in a long time. The next day, though, he reverted back to withdrawing from me and even talking about what our living arrangements and custody might look like if we were separated. Today he came to give me a hug and small kiss before he went to bed (he works overnight and sleeps during the day).
It’s hard not to be pulled along on this roller coaster of emotions as he tries to work out his feelings. Some days I have hope that we can develop an even stronger, deeper connection than we ever had; other days I am in complete despair that I am losing (or have already lost) the love of my life.
He wants physical pleasure but not intercourse, so despite him practically begging for sex for the past few years, he will now only allow me to do “everything but,” and it makes me feel very strange. I desire his touch very much but I’m starting to feel used since our physical contact feels like it’s lacking intimacy and I’m just going along with what he wants. I don’t know what to do about this sexual interaction – do I continue on with these moments even though they’re not meeting my need for intimacy?
I am determined to use this process if there is even a glimmer of hope that I can singlehandedly turn this disaster around and get back on track. We are both in individual counseling; he has made it clear he is not interested in couples counseling.
We have overnight care arranged for our son in a couple of weeks as we were planning an overnight getaway before we had “the talk.” Do I cancel that plan? Do I cut it back to something less grand than a night away?
Thank you so much for any input you can provide. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to preserve a life with this man and keep our family together.
Dear Melissa,
thanks ever so much for your email. I feel so sorry for all that you and your family hav eben through and are going through. You poor things!
I can’t tell you how common your story is. Baby is born and the relationship struggles. And so many times I have heard how hard it for you both as parents to deal with your child’s medical issues. Boy I just can’t imagine how you have even made it this far – so good on you.
Glad to see you are aware of how this level of constant anxiety has affected you, now to change this. Honestly get to a Resource Therapist, or EMDR therapist for a few sessions. It’s easy to get caught up in the anxiety and then channel the lost love into our children, Children offer unconditional love.
Hmm I am thinking you need to handle the sex thing delicately. So no talking about it for now, as from your email things are too tenous. Be less available but flirty and warm. Make your changes more about how you need to get an early night. I am guessing it’s oral sex? Mouth ulcers are probably to painful to give a blow job and you surely don’t want to catch a cold sore ( herpes) as you feel a tingling sensation. Mix it up. Keep the touch etc out of the bedroom.
I have worked with couples where a man has struggles with vaginal intercourse and erectile and it’s been an unconscious fear about having another child. This is not within a person’s awareness.
Love changes over time. I do think couple therapy is required here. How have you suggested therapy? I find saying something like, I really care about you and how things are between us. I would like the opportunity to improve things for us in whatever way works for us both. Would you be willing to see an experienced couples coach we both agree upon for several sessions for results ?
iN your words of course. I would be firm in insisting this without force or defence. Just with love and care. Of course this would be in addition to the solo work.
Individual counsellor’s often don’t have the training necessary for relationship improvement. Indeed the research suggests people in individual therapy are more likely to divorce. Sorry I don’t want to alarm you just inform.
Up to you on your plans, personally I would keep it. You actually need to start hearing each other by crossing into each others inner world. This would mean saying something at a good time like, gee it was hard to hear how you are feeling the other day but I really appreciate your honesty.
Hope this helps and thanks for your email. I think get a life step 2 may be very useful for you to flourish again after such turmoil.
Let us know your progress you are not alone here, so check in soon.
All the best,
Philipa
Hi Philipa,
Just days after I wrote this comment seeking your advice I found out my husband is having an affair. It is mostly long-distance as we and the other woman live thousands of miles apart in two different countries. They did meet up for a weekend in a different city and they are planning to meet up again in a few weeks.
He will not end it and he thinks he is in love with her. A future together is totally impractical for them for a number of reasons but my husband either doesn’t realize that or doesn’t care.
My husband tells me every day that he loves me and his feelings have changed since my original comment – we are getting closer and our relationship is improving. I have done some hard work on making changes in myself that I need to change. He says all the time that he doesn’t want a divorce and is doing some things to show that he is invested in our relationship (he will bring me coffee in the morning, we go out on dates, have good conversations… and we’re having great sex again!) but he WILL NOT end the affair.
We are in both individual and couples therapy- he didn’t want to do couples therapy before because he didn’t want me to find out about the affair. Now that I know he willingly agreed to go to therapy.
I still desperately want to save my marriage but the emotional ups and downs are killing me and our little son is starting to be upset because he sees me upset. Is the LRT appropriate in dealing with an affair?
Thanks so much for your advice.
Hi all,
I have been married to my wife for 7 years, have two beautiful daughters. 5 and 3.
My wife has always thrown the divorce or separation card at me for a few years no every time we have a big argument. I got out of the military to be with her and our daughter at that time. I think it was partly my fault for focusing on my career and getting a degree and supporting my family. I didn’t give her enough time and emotional support in some sense. She had an emotional relationship with a guy out of state a couple of years ago and that is when it all started. I believe the biggest mistake I mad at that time was begging. I begged her to stay and not leave me. She stayed but again a couple of months ago she told me that she was thinking about leaving. Like Ruben, I have made mistakes along our marriage, I have apologized and done everything in my power to change things around. I just don’t know anymore. At this point, is it even worth saving?
Dear Juan,
for your two children’s sake I believe it is worth saving. Divorce leaves a negative legacy.
So good you are reflecting on your behavior. Apologies are a useful start.
Sustained behaviour change in not easy, most folks need advanced therapies such as Resource Therapy, EMDR or RET for full resolution. Therapy listings
Good luck and keep us posted,
Cheers Philipa
Hello. My husband and I have been married for 2 years, together 5 years. He does not want a divorce( he has never said this) though in a heated argument today he told me he doesn’t enjoy being at the house with me anymore.. that I nag and complain too much. I am not sure if this was out of spite or the truth since he only said it after I screamed at him again due to another late night out of his(3 a.m.). I do not want a divorce either but I feel I will have no choice if I keep getting neglected.
He is not a monster. He can be very kind, do sweet surprising things for me, always supports me when it comes to the kids, makes me dinner, cheers me up, satisfies me in bed, a loving father to my child, respects my patents, etc
You see my husband goes places and does his own thing 5 days a week in the afternoons while I take on all the responsibilities at home (2 full time step children, an infant we have together, our dog, cooking, cleaning, etc. I am a stay at home mother and have been financially dependent on him since the third trimester of my pregnancy. I have no where to go if I decide to leave other then a safe home. I have no family or friends to stay with but I do have parents that support my decision and agree that he is acting immature. I only have $200 to my name.
My husband works from home so he is here alot therefore tries to have frequent get a ways. He is a social butterfly and enjoys going places. I understand that. This is why I let him have his freedom. I would never want him to feel smothered or start to resent our family. I however am a homebody. I constantly need attention and am a clingy individual. I will own up to this. I lost my friends after getting pregnant and have few hobbies. My husband is my only friend.
We have been to marriage counseling twice. I felt like it did help partially but we stopped going so I do not know if we needed more to see further progress. We agreed on Tuesday nights were his nights but it
has turned into 3 or 4 nights/ afternoons. He has lied about what time he’ll be home numerous times. He’s never been on time for anything(such a disrespectful flaw in my opinion) My husband has been going out more, trying to get out of the house more, making new friends, etc. while I have all the obligation at home and children.
I feel he is acting like a single bachelor. I feel emotionally alone. I feel taken advantage of. I feel taken for granted. I feel like he is not accepting father and husband duities.
I packed up everything including my 1 year old and left today just to go anywhere, live in my car if I had to. I took off my ring when I heard him say “I’m not going to change, I’m a grown man and can do what I want.” He said that right after I threatened him by if he didn’t change then I would be forced to leave. Again, I do not know if this was out of spite or the truth. I have “left” before in the past over things like this. He will eventually call and look for me until he finds me.. we will talk, he will make promises, then everything is good for several months. Yesterday being gone all day (riding jet skis, playing basketball, then going somewhere until 3 a.m.) was my breaking point. I also looked at his phone(we never spy on each other, always trusted and respected privacy) I saw he googled a nightclub a couple towns away. I was in shock. I never suspected an affair but my insecurities and self esteem are so low I’m considering anything at this point. My stomach is torn. The only peace I have is when I see my little 1 year old smile.
I’m back home and decided to act like I didn’t care(my step mother gave me this advice).. similar to men chase women they can’t get. I told him I was going to look for jobs tomorrow, put our daughter in day care (I’ll be paying for this), and establish independence. If this doesn’t work at least I’ll be able to work on myself, make friends, and save some money to get out if need be.
I’m reaching out to you to ask if I’m at the point to attempt your method? Am I doing this wrong? Are we doomed?
Dear Chrissy,
from your email i believe you are not at the Last Resort Stage, however you may soon be.
Obviously reading your words I get a sense of the unhappiness and ineffective repair attempts. Frustrating.
I 100% would want you to go to marriage counselling until you both felt happier in the relationship.
You did it a few times but are still trapped in this unhelpful pattern.
Find an Imago therapist directory track one down and commit to a block of work.
Like anything it will work if you work at it. Please tell me when you’ve had your session.
All the best,
Philipa
I also want to add that my husband constantly wants to have sex and can not walk by me without touching me (sexually) I am flattered how attracted he is to me but this annoys me at times.
Dear Chrissy,
it’s good you have a level of attraction to each other,
cheers Philipa
Hi Philippa,
It occurs to me that LRT is a great technique for breaking up a codependent wave/island marriage.
I’ve been married for 3 years, and my wife and I recently discovered that we’re polar opposites with respect to attachment style. I am anxious (the “wave”) and my wife is avoidant (the “island”). So neither of us is getting their needs met.
I realize I’ve been in a kind of existential panic for years now, frantically trying to rescue my marriage and completely losing myself in the process. My wife rightfully accuses me of having become a lame couch potato who never does anything or goes anywhere.
I’d describe my marriage as close to death right now. There’s no sex, no physical contact, we avoid each other, and there’s lots of anger between us.
I think LRT is a fantastic tool to cure anxious attachment, remove neediness in a marriage, and help the ‘anxious’ partner rediscover him/herself.
I don’t feel super passionate about saving my marriage (I’m a bit numb after 7 years of chaos), and I’m not sure we’re at the ‘last resort’ stage (because there’s no talk of divorce yet). But I do realize I am the needy/anxious partner in my marriage, and I believe this is the tool for me to break up my codependency.
So anyway, I think LRT is awesome to break up a codependent anxious/avoidant relationship at any stage, and I’ve started applying LRT today.
I’ll see where it takes me.
What are your thoughts?
Cheers!
Mark
Dear Mark,
cool idea. I can hear you have good insight into your partnership. The LRT would break up those patterns of co-dependence.
I would really be interested in your experience. I would be consulting with your partner about the new changes though.
I also believe insight is great, however you need cartharsis too. I woudl also recomment Imago Couple Therapy to help you both break this pattern.
For individual work on gaining inner security I fully support finding a Resource Therapist Find a Resource Therapist or an EMDR consultant click here
But let us know how you go using the LRT to bust out of co-dependence, thanks ever so much for your email,
Best Wishes Philipa
Thank you for this article. When I was reading this article, it was describing my life with my husband. My husband and I have been married for 16 years and 2 children. The last 8 months, he had completely disconnected from me but did not verbally tell me until 3 months ago in which he told me he does not love me and denied he was having an emotional affair with another women. When I spoke to the other women the conversation stopped. He stated that the other women was jut feeling the void in his life. I thought we had resolved the issues because he apologized for telling me he does not love and things were great but just a week ago, he told me again that he is not connected with me, his feelings are numb and he does not love me. He basically stoned wall with silent. There was no conversation
I would get angry and pressure him to talk. I begged him to reconsider. I would do the frequent phone calls, I would describe the good in the marriage, I would tell him I loved him and he would not say a word. I did it all to the point I lost my strong self. This whole situation has been a nightmare and I am lucky if I sleep 3 hours at nights.
Well enough is enough. I have been using your technique of stop chasing him. I have stopped telling him I love you. I am working on being upbeat. Last night, I was cooking with music on and dancing and cooking. I invited him to eat with us and he did but there was no conversation.
I want to know the following:
1. Do I continue to do cooking for him? I use to leave dinner for him because he would work grave yard shift to make it easy to warm it up
2. Do I call him during the day? I have always checked in with him. I would call him when he wakes up and when he would be driving to work
3. Do I wash his clothes? I normally wash my whole family clothes
4. Do I say good night when I go to bed or just get up and go to bed. There are times, he tells me good night and there are times he ignores me again.
Thank you again for your response
N.
3.
You are most welcome N.
Great stuff you are getting there indeed. Now no inviting, no calling him, I am for good night and I would keep washing his clothes if you have the time.
You need to let him miss you. You have overworked in the relationship a tad, is what I am guseeing.
Once you guys get back on track please, I beg you get some counselling or it will only be a matter of time when you are back here again.
All the best and as always we love hearing your progress with the LRT!
Cheers Philipa
Hey. I have been married 4 years and 3 years dating. In jan we were living together but separated. Then she moved away to live with her mom. This whole time instead of focus on myself. I have been stalking her on social media and I told her since I was feeling guilty. Then that’s when she told me you will never change. That’s when she said she wants a divorce and doesn’t want to be married anymore. Also said her final goodbye to me. So instead of giving her space and focusing on myself I was chasing her over and over again. So now I don’t know how to live with myself because it’s my fault that she left. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Dear Joshua,
I am glad you have found the LRT it will give you a way out and tell you what ot do in this tough time.
You take it as easy as you can and please check out For some more assistance,
take care and best wishes,
Philipa
So at this point there is no fix for this at all right. She said she is happy alone and likes the freedom from the marriage. I think she is someone else honestly but I don’t know. I guess my my marriage is over.
Dear Joshua, the point here and the fix for this is the LRT.
At least it will give you support and a direction.
all the best Philipa
We had our fourth child, and as with the others, the first three months were a strain on the marriage with the new addition. Except this time the 3 months turned into 6 months, 9 months, and so on of trouble. As I work odd hours my wife asked me to move to the basement which I agreed to thinking this would have ended after the 3 months like the others…it didn’t. I was also under a lot of work related stress at the time as well due to a complaint and potentially could have lost my license and ability to provide for family. I did not handle the stress well by withdrawing so I am guilty for a degree of spousal neglect and have apolagised but I always cared and indirectly showed my love for her. In my banishment to the basement bedroom I turned to the bible and awakened to quite a lot of truths such as the the pagan worship of Christmas, Easter, and Sunday service to name a few but there are many more……this awakening only further has resulted to separate us rather than bring us closer together. She point blank told me that not celebrating Christmas was a marriage breaker. At the time I was not wise as a serpent but as gentle as a dove as I thought this revelation was just so obvious and we had been hoodwinked for years in deception. Admittedly my spouse pleaded for counselling and I said no thinking that this all would just pass….it didn’t and I was served with a false emergency protection order and divorce petition immediately evicting me from the marital home. It has been 18 months now since that EPO which was immediately vacated when I had my defense in court and the judge did reprimand her as this should never be done to forcefully evict a spouse. Anyway I have written the letters, texts, and emails all to keep the marriage together. The spouse was shortly in an affair in which the other party treated her poorly in some way but I have persisted in all means to keep the marriage together but now the we have exhausted enormous resources of legal fees and the spouse in still adamant about divorce we will be possibly finishing things in mediation soon even though I know that this is Satan’s victory in destroying a marriage with four young children who are so confused. I have intuitively been doing the LRT for the past few months realizing that this marriage just may be coming to an end and the depression lurks in but will forever hold onto the belief ‘that which God has joined together, let no man put asunder.’
Dear C,
sounds like you and your wife have been through a great deal.
I am sure God wants the best for you all, however things turn out. Please take it easy love and kindness are your best ally here.
Sorry things may not work out the way you had hoped. No matter you can still be a caring parent to your children keeping them out of the middle of things.
All the best,
Philipa
Hi Philipa,
I am so very lost and heartbroken at the moment. Following on from my other emails I returned from my month away holiday to find out that my husband had been cheating on me on and off from the moment he dropped the bombshell telling me he was leaving last year in August! I was told by someone else and my husband said he seears he was going to tell me when I returned from my holiday.
He left so suddenly in August and was adamant that we were over. At the time I asked multiple times if he had been with anyone else and he said no. He then returned 3 weeks later because he didnt want to lose me. Within that time he had slept with a girl twice without me knowing and without telling me about it. We tried to fix things for 6months after that but it was so up and down and I didnt know why things wernt getting fixed and it just didnt seem right. He told me that as soon as he had slept with this other woman he knew he had ruined everything for us and knew I wouldnt beable to forgive him that was why he didnt want to tell me. He felt so guilty about what he had done that during our fixing time when our relationship was getting better it made him feel even worse so he would pull away. Hence the up and down now in hindsight. He then tells me that he saw her a few times within that 6month period also- so while we were together and having sex and trying to rebuild he was still with her which makes me feel even more ill.
In January, he splits with me again saying we need time apart to get our happy selves back again so we can be happy together and hoped that we would get back together because im the love of his life etc. In my eyes and I thought his this was our “trial separation” for us to really think about what we wanted. We agreed to 6months max and we hadnt planned on being with any other people. He said this split was never because he wanted to be with anyone else. I have now found out that he split with me this time because he felt so bad about what he had done to me and couldnt handle it.
So in the 3 months after that I was doing the LRT and thought I was making progress there as he was still contacting me and he was being really nice and over the top about things, did something special for my birthday and we saw each other frequently for different reasons here and there. As my trip was getting closer he was taking me out to dinner etc and even while I was on my trip he was contacting me every 2-3 days and it seemed like when I got back we would be getting back together and working things out for good! It was a slow build up of repairing the relationship to me , my friends and family and even you with what I was telling you in my emails. Everything seemed like we were heading in a positive direction and Inwas so hopeful and excited because it had been so long since we were back to us!
When I returned I also found out that he had been seeing that other woman pretty much straight after he split with me in January and was on and off with her within that 3 month period of being apart and for some of the month I was on holiday. ? He tells me also that 2 weeks before I got back he slept with another woman just once so he was forced to tell me that he had been unfaithful! I dont think he was originally wanting to tell me about the other woman because it was much worse and had been going on for so long on and off.
I just cant believe that the man I love who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with chose to do this while the whole time I was struggling and feeling ill everyday trying to fix things and thought we were truly working on us and rebuilding our relationship.
He is very remorseful now and regrets it all and doesnt know what he was thinking or doing. He says thats not him and he never imagined for him do to something so awful like that to me and us. He is a mess and feels ill everyday too but I just cant look at him the same way now- I dont even know who he is!
Yes, our relationship was in a shitty place and we both felt lost and unloved and lonely and didnt know how to fix any of it but he made the selfish choice to do this. I didnt need to do anything like that I just wanted to fix us and used the time apart like we were supposed to!
I am just totally lost and feel so betrayed and feel sick to my stomach every second of the day. I dont know where to go from here or how to move on in a positive direction. I just want to be happy
Xx
Dear Kira,
this may be the time when you draw a line in the sand for yourself and what is acceptable. You don’t have children together and your husband keeps falling into bed with others.
I would be seriously questioning myself and to why I am connecting with this.
Lovely it would be good for you to get some professional emotional support with all the heavy feelings you are going through. You deserve love and good treatment, get some clarity and connection with this belief.
Use some of the resources from the REsource section on Marriage Works to help you sweetie.
Do you have a friendship network to support you too?
Lots of love and light for you at the difficult place,
best wishes Philipa
When starting a hobby or something to do for myself do I tell her what I am doing or do I just say I’m leaving at such and such time. We have two kids.
Dear Paul,
it is best to share what needs to happen around the children. I would advise her of our leaving but be a bit mysterious.
That creates curiosity. Plus the added bonus if you are doing something interesting you will come back energized in her presence.
Good Luck and all the best,
Philipa
My husband asked me for a separation a week ago. I’ve been lost and confused. I did everything i shouldn’t have. Begged and pleaded, constantly texted him, cried to him…I’m hoping that it’s not too late.
He says he needs to figure himself out. I suspected another woman, but he has insisted that there is not another woman. He said he loves me but is not in love with me anymore. He wants time to figure out what he wants. He said there may be another chance but there might not be and he doesn’t want to give me a false sense of hope.
He will not go to counseling. He also suffers from severe depression.
We have 2 children together and we are both living under the same roof still.
I’m going to try your techniques.
Do you think it’s too late for me?
Thank you for writing this.
Dear Kay,
I secretly have hope from reading your email. The LRT will give you you back, thanks for your appreciation too. Read others experiences here on the blog for support and inspiration – know you are not alone.
It is not too late for you. You need to review your relationship for you. You mentioned your partner has severe depression, that can cloud a person’s judgment. I am hoping he is getting treatment.
Work on the relationship later. Claim yourself back today. Use the LRT and give it your all.
Thanks and let us know your progress,
Best Wishes,
Philipa
My wife filed for a divorce a few months ago and its now going through the motions in court. We have two kids 14 and 12 and have been living as room mates in for over 3 years now and I felt the disconnection.
She has no desire to continue with the marriage or even try counselling and her primary reason is that she has no feeling for me.
I did try to better myself and read Michelle Weiner-Davis but although my wife noticed the changes in me, has continued to be emotionally disconnected.
We have pleasant times together with the kids recently and no arguments or fights. I have taken on a course to deal with teenagers recently to deal with my kids. I do not bring up the impending divorce other than when she enquires about paperwork. We will eventually have to discuss the kids, finances, living arrangements etc. I get the feeling that my wife still notices the changes but has not changed her mind about divorce. Any advice on how to proceed at this stage?
Dear Shaw,
thanks for your email.
Sorry to hear it hasn’t worked out for you and you are getting the divorce. Sometimes not matter what we do the universe just has other plans.
the LRT at least gives you a quick start to rebuilding your life applying step 2.
Super proud of you and your co-parenting these nice interactions and effective co-parenting are what is vital and so important. So big shout out there and for doing the course. It is a tricky time to navigate for both you and your children, so the more you learn the easier it will be. This will also save long term emotional problems.
I can’t tell you how many of my adult clients issues relate back to a childhood where fights and arguemnts were the norm or they were not supported in tough times like a separation. So well done you on the Dad front.
My advice is keep doing what you are doing, this will help you no matter the outcome. Apply Step three and wait.
Good luck and we are all hoping for you here!
Philipa
Hello!
I have been doing this technique for 3 days now. My husband told me 3 months ago that he was unhappy and that he loved me, but not romantically. He said he wanted a divorce and the only reason he hasn’t filed yet is because in our state he can’t unless I sign due to our no fault law. He knows I won’t sign. Things are fine between us. We joke and laugh. We act like nothing is wrong. Even though we act mostly normal, he says he still wants a divorce. He will have sex with me sometimes, but he says he doesn’t like to because he feels bad for doing it when the feelings aren’t there. He has been saying that he even likes it when I tell him I love him. I keep getting all these mixed signals. We act fine, but he still doesn’t love me and wants a divorce. It seems like in this situation the spouse is usually very angry and pulling away. He doesn’t unless I try to get him to be intimate. He still gets me to give him massages and do things for him. Things have been mostly normal between us. The past 3 days I have been doing this technique and by the second day he started asking me why I’ve been acting so weird. He asked me twice yesterday. I asked him if it was a good or bad weird. He said he didn’t know. I’m worried that this technique might not work because our situation seems to be a little different. Does it sound like our marriage can be saved any time soon? Will he ever love me again? Is this technique right for our situation or should I go back to the way I was doing things? Thanks for your help!
Dear Victoria,
Good on you! You are already seeing results as you have aroused his curiosity!
Stop worrying this technique is not for you, it clearly is. You must be vigorous in applying Step 1 so no initiating intimacy – as he has told you he feels guilty which will drive a bigger wedge between you. It’s only if he takes the lead and then you go for it.
The old way of doing things will lead you to separation quicker I’m sorry to say. From you email it’s really been a holding pattern of unhappiness. More a status quo, so the LRT is a shake up.
Be more vague about answering things. I want you to vigilantly apply all the steps, reread them daily. Get Michele’s book.
You need to get yourself into a state of acceptance, even to be able to sign the divorce papers. After about 3 months of the LRT you may have a sense. If things progress you will need to go to counselling to address how you both got to this place in your marriage.
Let us know your progress, and than applies to anyone here!
Thanks PHilipa
I think he may be aggravated with me using this technique. Yesterday was his day off and I usually make it a point to spend his day off with him. Instead, I didnt spend any time with him at all. I was at home only some of the day, but stayed in a separate room playing with one of our kids. Today he called me because I didn’t respond to one of his texts. He said that he was checking to see if I was okay. I told him I was and I acted very short with him. I told him bye and he hung up on me and didn’t say anything. He always tells me bye. I have the fear that he will retaliate for me being distant. Which I don’t understand why he’s be aggravated if he doesn’t love me and wants the space.
Dear Philipa
It has been nearly a week since I started to apply your techniques… the only thing is that he is abroad and instead of me texting and calling him, he has texted and tried to call me to which I replied in a friendly but not too keen manner. It’s hard to tell yet if it works but I will continue everything you suggested from LRT when he returns. He is coming back in 2 days.
I was wondering if I should keep the rings- my diamond wedding ring and a beautiful aquamarine and diamond engagement ring on? Or do I, by taking the rings off my finger, show that I have moved on? Or is it just a silly game I am playing and I should keep the rings on my finger?
He has been sending emails to his two exgirlfriends saying that he thinks of them and saying that he has made up his mind and will divorce me… it hurts terribly. He doesn’t know that I have read the emails though but he knows that I can access them.. so perhaps he did it on puprpose so I can find out. Atleast I have time to prepare and reconsider what to do if he tells me about big D. How should I act when he returns because I really feel like hitting him with a saucepan! Just joking… but it’s not too far from it. I feel angry and sad at the same time.. our relationship seems to be on brink of affair and divorce at the same time 🙁
Dear Jane,
already you are getting the benefit of the LRT – he’s turned towards you while away. YAY!
Let me answer your ring question with another. Are you able to remove the rings from a place of acceptance or is it to show him you have moved on. Unless it’s the first part of the sentence keep them on, otherwise it will feel to him as a manipulation. I hope this makes sense.
The LRT is more a doing than a showing or telling thing. Your actions will demonstrate your ability to move on if necessary.
Dear Jane totally get the saucepan comment. You are so allowed to be angry hurt this is not an wasy time for sure. The point is under the anger is your vulnerability, the scared part of you. Showing this part usually draws a partner in, just a heads up.
Stop reading his emails, you don’t need to cut yourself deeper. Now you make be a step before the full LRT and I would suggest you guys set up counselling. You might say – from your fragile side boy thsi really hasn’t been working, would you be willing to come with me to see what’s possible as we can’t really go on like this. In own words you invite a person into therapy openly. Make sure there is not pressure if he’s the type to avoid.
Get professional help! Good luck and best wishes
Philipa
So my husband and I have been married 3 years and together 6. We’ve had a very rough jounrny from almost the beginning. We were only 17 & 20 when we met. We struggled with cheating (him once on me) me being verbally and emotionally abusive bc of my anger. So a month ago he sits me down and tells me he isn’t happy in our marriage. I agree that I’m not either. I’ve been telling him I haven’t been for a long time because we just hadn’t been connecting on the right emotional level. I was relieved when he told me he wasn’t happy bc I thought we were finally on the same page and we could finally start working to fix it. Then he mentioned divorce. We’ve been in counseling for a month now. I feel like it’s helped us communicate better but I don’t see it helping in the follow through after communication. I want to try your method here but I’m worried I might make him distance away further. He’s admitted to me he’s not in love anymore. Says I’m his best friend blah blah but he doesn’t feel what a husband should feel for his wife. I’m hurt but I’ve been clear to him I totally get it. Happens. I’ve been a crazy person to live with, he doesn’t know how to deal with his emotional problems, Ive been a drunk and an addict, he’s narcissistic… so we know we have our flaws and I understand how us going in a cycle of never fixing our deep rooted problems has caused him to lose those feelings. He just isn’t convinced he will ever get them back. So I know the only thing I can do here is fix myself. I’ve been working on my anxiety, my emotions, my behavior but I noticed I’m clingy and insecure. I know that pushes him away. I did all the begging and pleading and trying to make him as happy as possible every day and I’ve just been met with more and more distance. He won’t touch me in any way. I’m lonely and I’m miserable and I don’t want to be miserable anymore. I’m going to give this idea a shot.
I have a few questions.
1. I saw before you answered this but that situation was a little different bc I don’t have kids. I wash his cloths every night. I don’t have to be can do it himself he’s a grown man but he expects it bc I’m a stay at home wife. Should I keep doing my stay at home wife stuff line wash his cloths and make his dinner like I always do?
2. When I do something fun like rafting or seeing a festival should I invite him to go?
3. How do I make sure I’m not cutting him out of my life as my husband if I don’t initiate any kind of behavior?
Dear Kl,
I don’t the LRT is your best option at present. Parts of it will be useful – like getting a life and rediscovering you and stop overworking the relationship, let him step up by creating space.
To create space you need to let go of all negativity and anything that sounds remotely like criticism. This must be your focus.
I am so proud of you both for going to counselling. And one moth in you will be seeing improvements, in a year or so you may be totally back on track. I say this dear one as a heads up this has been a long established pattern in your marriage which has been under the pump. So you want the proper repair not the band aid. Well done again for getting the help!!
And that is why I say no to you for the LRT. It will come across as distancing and confusing. You want to build warmth and connection here. Otherwise you are right your husband will feel like he is being cut out of your life, not what you want in this stage of your relationship. Hence no LRT in full.
What you do need to do is stop old patterns which aren’t working, review these and change your behaviour.
You and your relationship have been suffering for many years. KL you have to settle that impatient part down – get your therapist to assist. Also look at the hypnosis Utube and internet resources section . The more you throw yourself at healing you the more your relationship will benefit.
And on that I am giving you a big high five with your honesty, insight and willingness to change – “So I know the only thing I can do here is fix myself. I’ve been working on my anxiety, my emotions, my behavior but I noticed I’m clingy and insecure. ” As you settle this part of you down life will be much easier. Addictions are about avoiding emotions more often than not. Glad you are in recovery.
I hope I encourage you here and it feels good.I want you to share this good feeling. This is also what you want to be doing with your husband from now on. Little appreciations and strokes of positivity. Zero negativity, so catch yourself and repair with an encouragement.
Kl washing clothes every night? Really does it need to be that often – perhaps I am a slob but it’s only once or twice a week for me! Do not stop doing stuff like this as it will seem like a passive aggressive kick up the butt.
Keep up therapy, you guys can be good you have a lot going for you if you can grow together.
Best Wishes Philipa