Last updated on July 10th, 2021 at 10:49 am
The Last Resort Technique from the book, The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis, adapted by Philipa Thornton.
When your partner has dropped the proverbial bombshell, “I want a divorce,” you need to move past the devastation into action after the shell shock is over. The Last Resort Technique has been developed by Divorce Busting amazon Michele Weiner-Davis to save your marriage, your sanity, or both.
If you are at the place where you have got nothing to lose, give it a go. If your friend is sharing their sadness and hopelessness with you and needs help with their marriage, please pass this relationship advice on.
The Last Resort Technique
OK, so you have tried everything, exhausted all your options, and feel hopeless and even helpless. Now it is time to use the Last Resort Technique to save your marriage. This relationship boot camp comes with a warning – this is a LAST RESORT.
This needs to start immediately if:
- Your spouse has said in no uncertain terms that they want a divorce and it feels like they mean it. (This can’t be empty words, spoken in anger during a fight.)
- You and your spouse are living apart.
- You and your spouse are in the same house but are like ships passing in the night with very little interaction. You may be in separate rooms, hardly speaking with little or no sexual contact.
- You have the divorce papers in front of you.
Your marriage is at a crisis point. While divorce rates are high, there are relationships that can still survive this vulnerable time and you don’t have to be another statistic. Those rates don’t tell the story of all the many people who beat the odds.
Hold onto the hope I give you here, please!
While no technique is guaranteed to work, there is always some benefit to taking positive action. It’s definitely worth a crack!
I have worked with many clients who were on the brink or in the trauma of an affair. Usually, only one partner is in favour of a divorce and the other spouse who made the call to me is the one who desperately wants to stay together.
If you happen to be the spouse who is keen on holding onto your marriage, it is highly probable that you are not in your usual state of mind and are acting in desperate ways. This very behaviour that you keep doing pushes your partner further away (you are aware of it, but can’t seem to help it!). You have chased, cajoled, reasoned, begged, pleaded, railed, guilt-tripped, and implored your partner to no avail.
All the phone calls, text messages, letters, emails, and heart and gut-wrenching pleas have failed. You sense that your spouse is out the door and a part of you recognises the attempts are felt by him or her as pressure. They will dig their heels in insisting that the marriage is over, and this may prompt another wave of fear and you to chase even more.
It is the effects of this pursuing and chasing that are DEADLY to a marriage.
Blind Freddy can see this is not working. In fact, if you keep pushing your husband or wife, you will be driving them right out the door. As I said, there is a part of you that knows this. But this fearful, scared, vulnerable part of you is making the wrong decisions and making you appear completely desperate and unwelcoming.
Of course, you need to honor the fragile part of you that is in pain and wants to cling on. It is human nature – we all want to hold onto something that is important and dear to us. However, the flip side to our humanity and animal instinct is, the party being chased or even hunted down will feel the need to escape when you coerce or pressure in response to feeling trapped.
If you are truly serious about saving your marriage, you have to stop pursuing. Now!
When you chase your partner, your partner will feel hunted and you become a point of danger on a primal level. What also happens is, the troubles in your failing marriage and eroding family get lost, as you become the vector for anger and hurt.
You see it – your spouse gets frustrated and angry, and the best way for them to deal with this annoyance is to get rid of it. This means their focus shifts to how they can get away from YOU! It is surprising but it is the reality, this will really connect with the part of you that can hear reason.
Indeed, your very persistence is robbing your spouse of valuable time to think about what else is really going on in your life.
People start to do an amazing reframe here and I often hear spouses wondering aloud with things like, “I am not sure I ever really loved him or her.” This is basically due to the suffocation the spouse feels. It becomes a survival issue and you are the danger they need to escape from.
When we are in survival mode, we will go into flight or fight mode. Usually, partners go into anger and aggressiveness (or worse, pity) towards their spouse as a distancing move and part of separating from the distressing situation. When this happens, the angry part blocks any other feelings, like sadness, grief, guilt, and remorse that might cause some reflection and actually help your cause.
With your mate staring angrily at you, what opportunity do they get to look in the mirror, reflect, and take some responsibility for your marital breakdown?
Option A – Keep doing what you are doing and get the same results.
Option B – Quit supplying you wife or husband with a reason to leave.
Oh if it were only that easy. I am asking you to stop doing the very thing that keeps the feeling of powerlessness and helplessness temporarily at bay. But you have to stop this harmful pattern today. I repeat – stop it now, right this very minute.
I am going to give you a specific guide how to stop the landslide of desolation in your marriage today.
Here is your action plan based on The Last Resort Technique:
1. STOP Chasing!
Immediately cease anything that your spouse might look at as pursuing behavior.
This means stopping anything that would be perceived by your spouse as your way of chasing him or her, such as:
- Frequent phone calls, texts, or emails
- Begging your spouse to reconsider
- Describing all the good in your marriage
- Writing letters
- Following your mate around the house (or anywhere – this is stalking!)
- Encouraging talk about the future
- Asking for reassurances
- Buying gifts or flowers
- Planning holidays or trips away together
- Trying to schedule dates together
- Spying on your spouse, keeping tabs on their calls, movements, and work arrangements
- Talking to friends and family about what to do
Stop saying “I love you.” This is essential.
It seems counterintuitive – “How will they know?” I get it, but even though this will be hard, know that every time you say “I love you,” your spouse is reminded that they don’t love you and will be looking the other way!
Scary huh? That is why it is imperative to silence the “I Love You’s”. You already feel how disheartening it is to hear their resigned response of “I know” or worse, still silence. Or the ouch that goes with “I love you, but I am not in love with you.” It hurts, doesn’t it? So, stop the chase.
2. Get a Life.
What happens in a crisis like separation is, we become desperate, clingy, and depressed. You are in tears often, mope around sadly, lose interest in things you used to enjoy, and basically become lifeless as the fearful or rejected part of you shuts you down as a means to cope. Of course, it is normal to feel all those feelings and shut down or want to ease the hurt.
The loss of a loved one and witnessing the falling apart of your family are the most painful times you can ever experience. The separation anxiety and desperation are an ugly place to be in for both of you and for others to see. You will feel and look unattractive – not one of us will be at our best here.
Now, if your relationship has had the trauma of a full blown sexual affair or emotional infidelity, you are competing with not only the fantasy of an ideal life without problems but a person that is in the opposite space of distressed.
Hard to hear, but reality hurts and I say this to the part of you who knows how to pick yourself up after a fall and dust yourself off. Awareness helps and heals.
Here you need to act as if you are moving forward in your life and getting on with it. Otherwise, you better quit now.
Of course, it may seem like I am suggesting an impossibility – get happy, be strong, get back into life, and develop your confidence. You are asking yourself, “How can I do this when I feel like crap, I can hardly function, it’s a miracle getting out of bed each day, and things are horrible at home?” Good question. Obviously, these are normal feelings and you are reacting as any normal person would in such devastating circumstances.
I want to ask you – Is that the core of you? The real you? Or the hurt, scared or angry part getting all the air time?
Because I believe that in the heart of you, your true essence, there is a trooper. That’s right! A part of you at the core can survive this – a part much stronger, mature, more confident, and wiser in dealing with tough situations.
Can I get you to take a moment to get in touch with that part of you right now?
Ask yourself (and you can even write this list down to remind yourself as you come home to yourself), “What was it about ME that my partner was attracted to in the first place?” Allow yourself to remember and really connect to those wonderful parts of yourself.
This is the person your partner fell in love with.
Each of those parts (for reference, please look up Official Resource Therapy Institute for a full description) on your list are valued by your partner but have been sidelined by the hurt and angry parts, whose job is to defend you from attack and the absolute hell you are going through now. Please allow those parts some more air time and a chat with the part of you that is angry, scared, and hurt to negotiate a better way forward.
You are in danger when acting in the victim role of getting typecast and truly become the martyr. Reclaim your life today by reconnecting with your whole self.
Starting Today:
- Immediately start doing things that are out of character to the way you have been acting lately. Move beyond helplessness into action and power.
- Allow your mood to be more upbeat in your spouse’s presence.
- Appear pleased with yourself and your own life.
- On phone conversations, sound content, even bubbly. Don’t sit around waiting for your spouse to call. Get out and do things. Start a new hobby – rock-climbing, tango dancing, needlepoint, ice-skating, and movies. Get busy.
- Start to be unpredictable. Let calls go to voicemail. If you’ve always tried to engage your partner in conversation when they call, visit, or go home, be scarce and short on words.
- Take up opportunities offered by your partner for family time, gracefully, with no expectation of any further.
- Be a great Co-parent no matter what, your kids didn’t choose this.
- If you were in the habit of being detective and grilling your spouse about their whereabouts, ask nothing. Simply wish your partner a good time.
In short, you need to make your partner think you have had an AWAKENING and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
This doesn’t mean you are nasty, angry, or even cold. Reread this point and lock it in Eddy!
It is simply a case of pulling back and waiting to see if your spouse notices and, more importantly, realises what they will be missing.
Be warm and friendly.
Remember this point: Backing off increases your chances of your spouse becoming more interested in you, if you ease off and start doing your own thing.
Noone likes being put under pressure and that’s most likely part of the old relationship pattern.
Another important reason for “getting a life” is, you have stopped having fun and doing things that give you pleasure. At times, we all need to be reminded to find out what makes us feel good in a healthy, respectful way. Find your joy!
Taking care of yourself is one of the best things you can do for yourself and your relationships. Focus on becoming a better person.
Go back to old interests, church, synagogue, or the library. Join a new class at the community college. Play an instrument or get lessons. Contact some old friends, pick up the phone, and connect. Visit a family member. Rise at dawn, go for a walk and watch the sunset. Read poetry, listen to music, play golf, go fishing, camping, do YOGA, go running, or star gazing. Join a meet-up group, go walking, cycling, get a massage, a haircut, find a personal trainer, and get therapy for support.
Do things that will help you get back in touch with yourself, not just because your spouse might like you more if you do (in fact people have a weird sixth sense when things are not genuine) but because it is important to honor, value, and love yourself in a caring healthy and nurturing manner.
You DESERVE it. I know you are worth it.
3. Wait and Watch
According to Michele Weiner-Davis, one of three things will happen when you use her Last Resort Technique:
First, Nothing.
Unfortunately, there are times when the universe just says no and, no matter what you do, your spouse has shut the door on your marriage. It needs to be said that there is no magic bullet. Sometimes, life is just really unfair and we don’t get the things we most want.
Despite not having been able to save your marriage, there will be a secondary gain from applying the Last Resort in your life – you will have recovered yourself and your emotional well-being.
At the very least, you will have gotten back your DIGNITY. Step 2 gives you a plan of action and the part that feels lost and out of control will benefit.
Your self-worth will be in a much better place, allowing you to feel more prepared to take on whatever comes your way. A good point to take on even though it is not easy to hear.
Michele also notes two other responses you might see in your spouse:
The second possible response from your mate is, they become curious.
They might start showing more interest in you, your whereabouts, and what you are doing in your life. Your husband or wife may even suggest that you spend more time together to talk or do something enjoyable. They may also start asking you a lot of questions about these sudden changes.
Listen up: Here’s Michele’s advice if any of these begin to happen:
- Be loving in return, but not overly excited or enthusiastic.
- Accept some invitations to spend time together, but not all.
- Accept all Family time invites. Your spouse seeing you having fun with your kids together reminds them of the value of family.
- Do not ask any questions about your future together.
- Be vague when asked questions about the changes in you. Say that you are just thinking things through. Live the shift.
- Continue to be upbeat.
- Do not say, “I love you.”
- Resist getting in the conversation about your relationship.
- Get a head start and beat your spouse to the punch when it comes time to leave or separate from each other at the end of an activity. You set the tone for going your separate ways.
- As a rule of thumb, be responsive to your partner’s interest but not too responsive. Going overboard will lead your partner to get cold feet. Be warned.
So, stay interested, but cool in a self-possessed manner, (not icy though, as that will send mixed messages) until you are absolutely convinced that your partner’s renewed interest in saving your marriage has taken hold.
If you are excited about this technique and it is working for you, share it with a friend or write it down, add your comments to the blog, but don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. Tell us here, we would love to hear from you.
Once you feel absolutely sure this is so, you can test the waters by becoming more obvious about your desire to stay together. Patience wins out.
Try discussing your future and see what happens.
If your partner is receptive, move forward slowly and begin to tackle the issues that drove you apart in the first place.
If on the flip side you are met with any resistance or reluctance, do a reverse and backpedal quick smart.
Go back to your interested but distant stance until things move forward in a more positive direction. This may take a whole lot longer than you would like – weeks or many months.
You must be patient. Wait until your spouse appears to be a little interested rather than pulling away – you will know when it’s real. While it is tough for the marriage (and you!) to be in this holding pattern, it’s ok. Trying to save your marriage is the most important thing that is happening in your life right now.
Be compassionate and hold onto yourself, even when the scared part of you wants you to act out or the excited part wants to whoop for joy.
The third possibility is probably the least likely, but these outcomes do on occasion happen: The overnight change of heart by your spouse.
They might lose all thoughts of divorce and jump right back into the relationship as if nothing has happened. While rare, this DOES happen.
Michele gives some great advice:
- Don’t move too quickly. I liken it to the Latin adage, festina lente, which means “to make haste slowly”.
- It is vital for you to pace yourself. If you act as if nothing happened between the two of you, then it is only a matter of time before your spouse will have second thoughts about his or her decision.
- You didn’t get into the place of relationship breakdown overnight. Much as you would like to forget that it ever happened, you won’t get back on track overnight.
- If you’re separated, don’t jump right back into being together.
- Once you have your partner’s attention and you sense a real commitment to working things out, you will need to take further steps toward making your marriage a healthier and happier place.
I would suggest The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis, where the Last Resort Technique has been adapted for this article. Truly great advice from couples expert Michele of www.divorcebusting.com.
Therapy helps you to heal both the wounds of the separation and the causes of what has lead up to it.
Find a marriage-friendly health professional to help coach you into the next level of intimacy. Couples Therapy can really fast-track healing and growth opportunities.
A word of caution about sex: Have it! We are only talking about sexual encounters that are initiated by your spouse. Enjoy the moment. With a sexual connection, our bonding hormones are released – oxytocin. Use it.
*Warning! Please do not read anything more into your intimate moment than a happy event. Do not go overboard or start laying down expectations about your partner. Keep doing the Last Resort.
Good luck and it’s not over till it’s over!
We welcome your comments and experiences. Please share here, you are not alone. I personally answer every comment received and there are over 1000 folks experiences on applying the Last Resort here on the Blog
Thank you! Philipa, yours in Service.
Thank you so much for your encouragement it actually did help me a lot. I’m going to save your response and use it as further reminder to work on myself and be warm and welcoming to my husband but also get my own life and give him space. Thank you.
Hi Philipa,
my wife of 4 years was unemployed for about a year – something that made her depressed and irritable. I supported her through all of this and kept a cheerful attitude, but it was not always possible as she was completely in the dumps. Since I don’t earn much in my job to sustain us both, the second income was needed to pay our mortgage etc.
We went to couples counseling but it was recommended for her to start an individual therapy, something she never did.
last year she finally found great job, however the last year she has been entirely consumed by it (maybe out of fear of losing it) but she stays in the office until the early a.m. hours travels for months at a time and we rarely get to spend any time together.
When I confront her, she says that she is doing this for us, for our mutual happiness and to pave a path to a better future and the conversations always end with her getting increasingly frustrated with me and becoming hurtful.
I am almost 100% certain there is no one else involved.
Yet all this time alone without real relationship quality time is taking a toll on me, and when I confront her that this is not normal and ask when things are going to get better, she explodes and becomes really hurtful and threatens divorce. This has happened at least 3 times in violent heat-of-the-moment outbursts but I have always managed to turn it around by approaching her and being the initiator of the reconciliation because I know that she feels guilty and she always regrets the outburst.
About a week ago, same thing happened again. She was in the office until 3 am and the next day I would have loved to spend an evening but the conversation took a sour turn and ended with her yelling at me at the top of her lungs that I am impatient/needy/talk too much and she wants a divorce.
She stayed at a friends that night and I moved out right the very next day.
So far it has been gut wrenching but I have managed to not write or call, she from her end has made contact twice to inquire how my physical state is (a medical condition that I am currently in treatment for) and I have replied friendly but distant.
In her first message she did let me know that she is “very heartbroken” but I don’t know what she wants me to do with this information.
Do I move on from this relationship? Is this the one time she won’t regret the outburst? How can I save us from marriage? I love her immensely and know that when we are good, we are great.
I am hurting and at a loss.
Dear Stu,
I think you are not quite at the Last Resort Stage yet.
There is an embedded pattern in your relationship that appears to have you stuck.
What I am referring to is this from your email “…and when I confront her that this is not normal and ask when things are going to get better, she explodes and becomes really hurtful and threatens divorce. This has happened at least 3 times in violent heat-of-the-moment outbursts but I have always managed to turn it around by approaching her and being the initiator of the reconciliation because I know that she feels guilty and she always regrets the outburst.”
Confrontation would not be your best bet or telling her it is not normal (some people would read that as inferring they are crazy) not the most welcoming or likely to get your desired outcome of closeness. Indeed it sparks fury and distress in your partner by her reactions.
Approaching your partner with your feelings and mutuality would be the key. Saying something like “honey I love you and I know you are working hard for our family and it is appreciated, I feel … lonely at times ( or how you are ) and I would like to spend some more time with you. I wonder if you would be willing to carve out some time for us away from work? Can we discuss this together?
Coming from your own needs and with an open curiosity will help keep things open.
Good on you for the couple counselling. I don’t think you guys quite got to where you needed to from the relationship dynamic you describe. You both need to learn to safely communicate with each other.
So that is what I recommend. Relationship Therapy – especially Imago Therapy will be super beneficial. If you want your marriage fight to heal this vicious cycle. If you have children this is a requirement not a suggestion.
Good Luck Stu,
Cheers Philipa
I have been separated from my wife for 3 and a half months I have been with her for 13 years married for 8 she moved two states away leaving me and the kids kids that are at age 7 and 5 we still talk when she up here with the kids but when she goes back down there shuts off she has meet someone from the start I really have done all the things I can to save it but the no contact I chase and does not seem to work she has told me two move on I really don’t know what to do I love her with all my heart think maybe I should give her a few weeks of space just wondering how long
Dear Wayne,
from your comment it is clear the chasing isn’t working and no doubt leads you to feel worse. You give her as long as it takes for the space. You really need to plunge into Step 2 and get a life, this will give you more hope and a chance. Good luck.
Dear Philipa,
We are together since 8 years ,we been married for 2 years..
We are from india and it was inter religion marriage, i knew it would be difficult as there are many cultural differences but our bond was strong so, despite of fights we got married,just after marriage
He moved to abroad for work hence his family was not a issue ,i also moved with him and we were both working engineers outside our country..
as we became husband wife and no longer boyfriend girlfriend his expectations got changed.. it was little difficult for us to adjust.. its like we had a perfect relationship and den we got married
we always used to fight but end of the day we knew that we truly loved each other… so worked out
Now the problem is his family is orthodox and both of us knew that since beginning but inspite of that we got married because he was optimistic den..
he has been relocated back to India so we are living apart in different countries since 3 months ,
mean while his family is living with him..
Because of long distance thing we got into silly fight, we both streched it for 2 weeks .. like not talking on phone or blocking each other on social media..
But I realised this and so i fly back to him to give him a surprise on my birthday and instead i got a surprise..
On my birthday he said so mean things that I would never imagine..
He became this different person that I didn’t recognise .. he told me that i dont feel anything for you and that he dont love me anymore.. that his parents were right and he should have married to a simple girl he wanted a house wife.. he immediately called his father and told him abt me..he asked for a mutual divorce.. now i was at very vulnerable place so I begged and pleaded.. but he didn’t listened, he left keeping me alone at his home..i was devastated as I talked with my mom she immediately ask me to come to there house as it ws my birthday.. so i did..
Since then i was going through a internet and articles to understand what exactly went wrong ..
I decided to go in active no contact ..
Since 3 weeks I haven’t contact him..
I fly back and i joined my work.. i rebounded with my hobby painting and occasional visits to spa..
Talking with my old friends.. in this 3 weeks he mailed me once for some formal rent reason but I did not reply.. he ask mutual friend what is going on and what i am thinking and he is checking out my social media indirectly..
I am 29 and he is 31 .. friends say that i should move on as he is acting immature and not taking a stand ..but i still love him and wish we can work on our marriage.. it was not like we cheated on each other but he got influenced by his parents and friends..
So my questions are
Should i even try to save this marriage?
Am i right as I am using no contact on him ?
If yes for how long should I do no contact , and den should i contact him if he didn’t text/ call me?
If i am posting pictures on social media would he think that i am moving on and be certain about his decision of divorce?
Please help!!
Thanks
Dear Rohini,
please read an earlier email that sounds very similar, where the lady said she decided she was worth more and wanted to fly.
The reason I say this is it takes two to be in a marriage. I believe your husband possibly did love you but in the end has chosen to remain close to his roots – his religion, his parents and culture.
My question to you is how come you are willing to be put last in all this? REread your email.
Are you actually a good match or did you have a connection that did not last the distance?
Sorry to be blunt but love is an action. From his actions he has decided to chose his parents over you. He is free to do this. You are free to accept this or choose something else.
So pleased you are taking care of yourself and you have the support of your family and friends. Picking up your painting and going to spa’s are a good thing.
Your relationship never had a chance as it did not get past the power struggle to mature love. I ma not hearing a lot in your email that encourages me to say stay sweetie.
Practice all of the LRT. No contact, regain yourself. You are an intelligent woman so grow from this experience. We all deserve a partner who is fully present and ready to make you a part of their family!
Best Wishes
Philipa
Where is my comment
Dear Rohini,
please know your comment is with me, Rohini.
When I get a chance to fully read and answer your questions I will approve and write back to you.
The longer a comment is, the more time I need to set aside to achieve this. I do love supporting people and there are nearly 1000 comments on the blog – hours for all of us!
I have decided not to limit the words in comments, I can do this – the wonders of WordPress. I chose not too because I know it is useful for people to express their story and concerns. It may even help them in to see their issues more clearly taking the time and energy to do this.
I like to personally answer and approve comments to support you, and sometimes it can take me up to a week or so depending on how busy I am.
Thanks for your patience.
Best Wishes,
Philipa
Thank you so much for replying.
It is difficult to understand but this is the truth ..
I will continue to do LTR and initially i was feeling that I was wrong or I did something bad ..
Believing in yourself and in your dreams is basic right of every person.. and no one should compromise on this..
Thanks a lot for telling me harsh reality..
I appreciate that you personally take time and replying to lost souls like me..
Not everybody these days are willing to do this.
🙂
Take care
Dear Rohini,
you are so welcome, I do like and enjoy responding personally to each and every reader here.
That is interesting your feelings of being wrong and like you did something bad. I believe you and your husband are both good people but you were not able to take the next growth level together as yet.
Glad to hear you are believing in your right to self worth and your dreams, a mutual partner will want to support you to fly to your best heights.
Sorry sometimes reality is harsh but glad you were able to take it in good spirit. Denial is a waste of your time and energy.
May you be in grace and thanks for your kind words.
Best Weshes
Philipa
Hi looking for bit of advice. I have been with my husband 11 years we are now 28 years old and married a year. The first six months was amazing and than it all went wrong. My husband started to go out all the time with his co workers and started to become very distant I have talked to him about it but he thinks he can do what he wants when he wants and takes me for granted i am on the bottom of his priorities . 2 months ago he told me he needed space to think which I gave him. I have been working on myself during this time and we meet a month ago and both wanted to work and save our marriage. Now we only meet up once a week and taking things slow but I feel like I am the only one putting in all the effort to save our marriage nd his still distant enjoying the partying life style. I don’t know whether to keep initiating contact nd putting all the effort or start using the lrt technique. Please help i don’t want to lose my marriage.
Dear Anon,
sounds like you got off to a good start and then the reality set it. Are you sure your husband is ready for marriage?
I get a sense of your resentment in your email, not surprising really as you are choosing to keep putting in effort not returned. To me this is exactly what the LRT is for. This is what you can change. Stop today – this will lessen the anger and frustration for you. Give him the opportunity.
You must ask yourself why you have been doing so much in the relationship. Is it fear, low self esteem? These are thigns that have to be addressed for your emotional health.
Please start valuing yourself and setting boundaries. Plus I would use the LRT as an experiment. See what happens for your relationship really doing the LRT.
So yes stop initiating. Reread the LRT and other generous readers who have written in.
sending you love, hope and inspiritation,
take care
Philipa
Thank you for your reply. We are due to move into our new home next week. This will be first time we live on our own in our own house so there is a lot of pressure. Husband still says he doesn’t know what he wants and is working on it nd wants to get into the house Nd see what happens. His still distant and feel like I’m walking on egg shells. When we move in do i still do the lrt continue to move on nd look after while his trying to figure his stuff out?
Stacy the best thing would be to enjoy your new freedom in your own place. Let go of any expectation he will change or improve and certainly no fishing for him about how good the new place is or how great it is to have your own place, do this at your peril as it will come across as more pressure. Instead play it low key and keep your interests and life a priority. Stop waiting to see what happens and make your life move forward. Obviously we hope he eventually catches up but you may have changed too.
The secret is no pressure, no expectation only courage and grace. xx
My husband and I have been off and on separated over the last 2-3 years. We separate for months at a time and will say we are going to “try” again. But a lot of things just don’t change. We find ourselves arguing over stupid things because no one wants to budge. This last time around it got really heated and the moment we arrived back home from a Florida vacation, he packed what he had and left. He blocked me from everything and hasn’t said much of anything to me. He emailed me and says
“I don’t love you anymore, please let’s me live the rest of my life without your presence near me”
I know mostly that it out of anger to hurt my feelings because he’s upset with me. This time the difference is that he actually got his own apartment and is really trying hard to separate himself from me completely. I’m at a loss and just really don’t know where else to turn. I can’t even get a “hello” from this man. I’m trying my hardest keep distance but after 15-16 years it’s very hard to just let it go and move on. My marriage is a disaster and I don’t know if there is even a possibility of saving it.
Dear Maurine,
Sorry to hear things have not been easy for quite a while in your marriage.
From your lines here “But a lot of things just don’t change. We find ourselves arguing over stupid things because no one wants to budge.” What are you willing to change? To be frank I am not seeing this in your email. What purpose is there in staying in this old pattern? I really want you to take some quiet time and reflect on this. Get out a pen and paper just write and see what comes.
Reading your email this stood out to me “I don’t love you anymore, please let’s me live the rest of my life without your presence near me”
“I know mostly that it out of anger to hurt my feelings because he’s upset with me. This time the difference is that he actually got his own apartment and is really trying hard to separate himself from me completely.”
Sometimes one partner will call it. My concern is here you need to get into reality, his words and his actions are aligned. This is significant and warrants your full attention on this difference.
The LRT gives you a chance but it’s only a starting point. Unless you address the poor communication, anger and resentment build up, you’ll likely repeat this hurtful pattern.
The LRT is about giving up the solo fight. It’s about respecting you. Build your self esteem and recognise you are worthwhile dear heart. That means you don’t have to do it all!
You will have read my stand where there are children involved, this means all efforts go into disaster relief.
take heart and give yourself some hope.
All the best,
Philipa
Hello, I have been married for 20 years. 11 years ago my husband was injured on his job. He had surgery and got a blood clot from it which ruined his career. He began taking medication and turned into some one I did not know. He decided I didn’t believe in him and had an affair. It became ugly I moved out and a month later he wanted to come back and we went to counseling and made it work. A few years went by and I could see something was wrong and 6 years from the first affair he had another one. I was so devestated I didnt know what to do. I had lost my dad and this, I became a crazy person and begged him, as I was pulling away I met a friend who listened to me when I was down. he found out and wanted to go back with me. I agreed. we went to counseling and it worked for awhile I still had trust issues and never really felt secure. Last summer we bought a house and started talking and getting along great. I finally opened up and started to feel comfortable. Christmas of 2017 he blindsided me again. He stated he was so unhappy and managed to find every fault known to man about me. I was crushed. For months I have been so depressed and not really knowing what to do. He is hot and cold with me always. He wants romance then when I give him attention the next day he is so mean and ugly to me. Its like he got what he wanted and he is done with me. I tried to talk to him he cant give me honest answers. I feel I have been lied to and I don’t really know what is real or what was fake. I don’t know if I should try this or if I should just stop all together. I love him but I am 48 years old I don’t want to waste anymore time hoping and wishing for something that’s not there.
Dear Lynn,
My heart goes out to you reading your email. Boy you relationship has really been through a roller coaster.
So pleased you did go to counselling and saw some benefit. I wonder if you left it too early?
Most folks come and see me and get past the initial crisis, the ones who benefit are those who stay to strenghten their marriage and do some individual work on themselves. My therapy has a tag team approach where I work with the couple, their relationship and you both as individuals. Especially helpful for letting go of resentments otherwise these just keep bubbling up and become toxic over time.
My advice is stop all negativity. Stop talking about the relationship and questioning him – I’ll bet its frustrating to you both. Think about what vision you do what in a relationship. Write this down.
At 48 I can understand it being a make or break, I experienced a similar thing with my partner. I did end it, we had some therapy and got back together. We are still in therapy, boy I live my work! The good news is Chris and are getting married. A real surprise. I got to the same place and you. I truly was ready to let the relationship go in a caring way. This created an opportunity for us both.
There is this Too Good to Leave, too Bad to Stay book click here. This may help you decide.
I certainly would practice the LRT here.
Good Luck Lynn,
Philipa
Dear Philipa,
I am writing to you to get some advice on how to save my marriage. I am married from 9 years and two years ago I had a one time affair that I disclosed only partially to my husband. After this we had a very hard time but we manged to go back together and we spent the most two beautiful years of our marriage. Few days ago my husband received an anonymous message with the details of my affair and he decided to leave as it was too much to take. At the moment I am not at home for work reasons and I cannot go back home and I am so desperate that I cannot breath or think. I started begging him to wait until I am back and to rethink his choice but he became even more nervous. I am extremely scared of losing him he is my life and I don’t have any support where I am and I don’t know what to do. I really feel I am dying and I am looking for any advice.
Dear Maria,
ah that sounds messy. I hear the partial disclosure has come around to nip you there. Affair recovery is not easy and from my experience working with couples they need a lot of help to negotiate what works. I get your intentions may have been to protect both yourself and your husband.
Some people are shitty! Gosh who sends stuff like that. Butt out of other’s marriage I would say. Sorry I know that’s not really the issue here but just needed to get that off my chest, hope you understand.
Dear Maria – you are having a huge reaction – this to me as a therapist would be worth investigating and clearing. The LRT at least will help while you are away.
Let him miss you. You have had good times so those will also be in his memory banks. Use the LRT.
Get yourself back first,
take care,
Philipa
Hi, Philippa! Thank you for such a great article.
I find myself in a situation with my wife that is close to a last resort situation, but has a twist.
To make a very long story short, I neglected my wife for the last several years of our 12 year marriage. For background, she is 35, I’m 36, and we have a 10 year old son.
Things came to a head about a week and a half ago, where she was in a situation where I felt it was possible for her to cheat. What I mean by that is I don’t believe she ever has cheated on me, nor would she under normal circumstances. But, I felt I had damaged our relationship so much that she might be willing to. I made it clear I wasn’t accusing her of cheating, but was simply afraid I had damaged our marriage to that point.
After that incident, she told need in no uncertain terms that she had been planning a divorce, and my response and reaction to everything blowing up has given her pause. She has acknowledged that unlike previous attempts to convey her unhappiness and the damage to our marriage, I do seem to hear her finally, and understand the gravity of the situation more than before.
I have been doing all I can to speak her love language (acts of service) over this last week and a half. I have done a lot of self reflection, and have acknowledged the falls in me that need to change, not just for her, but for me if they’re to be lasting change. We’ve had several good and bad days, and one minute she’s caring, affectionate (verbally and physically, though she can’t bring herself to say she loves me), and the next she’s stone cold. We’ve had sex 3 times since, the first was awkward and confusing, the rest some of, if not the best of our marriage.
The twist is she doesn’t doubt my sincerity, my love, or my commitment to changing things. She’s questioning if she even wants to be married at all, to me or anyone else. She’s trying to decide if marriage is holding her back from new experiences in life. She’s also just gotten a new job where she feels happy and respected for the first time in her adult career, makes way more money than I do, and has gotten in fantastic physical shape. I feel like this twist is a mid life crisis, and it was either brought on or just compounded by the problems I created in our marriage.
I’m having a hard time trying the steps listed above, or at least some of them. I can’t really get a life because I’m the one who steps up and takes care of our son in the evenings, makes dinner, etc., so from a time standpoint, I’m just not finding it possible. I have stopped saying I love her, I’m not pestering her with calls and texts, but we have had multiple, lengthy conversations about everything, which on one hand she says feel smothering but on the other she says feel productive.
Any thoughts or advice you can throw my way? I’m at a total loss, and am more terrified than I’ve ever been about anything in my life.
Dear Creighton,
Thanks for your email.
The dominant theme I hear in your email is fear. For most of us this fear is of being alone, abandoned possibly.
This is both your strength and vulnerability. At the heart of this fear of rejection is anxiety, which will likely be the cause of unhelpful behaviours – checking, controlling, critizing and negativity. While these type of behaviours offer temporary relief for us, taking an action like asking means we don’t feel what’s really underneath. They also push the people we most want to be close to away.
It’s a strength because it tells us we are wonderfully sensitive.
I am hearing you have been needy and possibly insecure in the past. This is why we seek reassurance. You have to resolve this part of you – it’s your midlife challenge!
I say this because when we fel safe and secure within ourselves we are able to encourage and cheer our partners success’s on and not be threatened by them. Hopefully we will be inspired.
You don’t need to leave the house to get a life. Have you got a garage? What’s yoru interstes? You can take online courses, lift weights watching the tv. Watch Utube – there’s some great TEd talks on relationships.
I think therapy would be recommended here – couple therapy as soon as you can. This is where being vulnerable will be vital. You can say something along the lines of ” HOney I am afraid of where our relationship is and would like to see what’s more possible, what do you think about us seeing someone together? And explore your partners thoughts and feelings without any defense.
Good Luck Creighton,
Philipa
Dear Philippa,
I am like most of the readers here confused by my stonewall Wife.
A week before my birthday I confronted my Wife I felt she behaved different person.
On my birthday 5May, I got no choice to drag her out for my birthday dinner we had been celebrating for the past 12 years. Her birthday on the 6thMay.
She told me her heart with another man. It surprised me she explained to me because the past years events since she married me wedding day her parents not happy how my family arranged. She was stressed when we had our first daughter at my hometown.
2nd baby boy came we had in her Hometown she was stressed by her mum her Mum is old 70 years old
Now my girl age 10 and age 7.
She was recently changed 2 jobs which I suspected causing additional stress also.
My observation she changed her mind so much when her dad died by car accident 2 years ago. She even think children are not important since life is short.
I used the LRT, when 1 or my buddy asked me to use no contact rule when I started browsing and Google research my situation. This is different from what we happened before where she need few days a to calm down she healed back to normal.
I started going back to church and with close friends fellow ships and encouragement I continue my life working hard and spent more times with my children this few weeks.
Keep reading God’s words on relationships and letting go like Zen.
And leaded me to calm down when understanding the let go.
For at least past 4-5 weeks she threw anger or stonewall at me. First time in 12 years perhaps her emotion was with the other man.
Today she texted me if we want to plan kids activities bring our kids to Kidzania.
I am confused. As I follow your advice I cannot assume nothing happen before.
What do you think ? Should i stay cool?
Back to normal mode?
Thanks
Dear BT,
let me help you clarify the confusion. Silence or the stonewall as you put it is a real danger sign in a marriage. When a partner gets to this stage there’s usually not a lot of emotion. They feel resigned and have checked out. It’s their way of coping with their unhappiness.
Many folks use the shutdown withdraw way to handle things. What usually happens is the other partner pursues wanting them to come out. Which then can lead to the angry explosions as a means to get more space.
Forget about the other man, nothing you can do there. Focus on you. Glad you are resuming your activities that help – church and friends. I would limit who you discuss this with. You need to find a person with great balance who can see both sides, not just yours.
Yes accept all family time with good grace and warmth. Do not ready anything into this invite. The kinder co=parent you are the more likely she will soften – though no guarantees as there has been a lot of hurt, loss and stress. You don’t want to be another reminder of all the pain and resentment. So be open and warm. Deal with your fear of rejection, hold onto yourself.
Good Luck!
Philipa
Dear Philipa
It was good to read your great article and advice as I search for answers to my relationship situation. I hope maybe you can take a moment to give some further direct advice to me.
I have been with my partner for some 12 years. We have been engaged but never married and have a 10 year old daughter. There is a lot of good in our lives and we have so much to be grateful for but all we do is argue and everything. We’ve broken up so many times and each argument always escaltes to talk of him leaving usually in the form of him saying “this is why I can’t stand living with you” and me “then you know what to do, when are you actually going to move out like you said you were”.
We sleep in separate rooms and he’s basically had one foot out the door for the last four years. He did actually leave for 6 mths about 6 years ago and although he came back, after much begging from me, he’s since said he regrets it.
After a recent argument and the same story we’ve discussed the reality more openly and he has viewed alternative accommodation and is about to sign a lease. This is when I backtrack and react in fear. I don’t want him to actually leave but I know our relationship is fundamentally broken and that he will basically go if I let him without playing the victim.
It’s hard to get all the information down here but I am exhausted from it all and am worried about what’s wrong with me – why I push him to go and then cling to him not to. Why am I trying to hold onto someone who doesn’t want to be with me. I’m not sure I can even try the LTR as I think I’ve done this in many ways already so many times – probably not consistently and without success.
Why am I so scared of him leaving? Why do I think I still love him when he’s just about gone.
Thank you
A
Dear A,
your question is a very good question and i am going to add a link here to a post on the very reason you are so scared of him leaving. It’s all about attachment. Here’s a wee post on it to illustrate https://marriageworks.com.au/2018/06/how-your-early-childhood-sets-up-patterns-for-relationships/
Love to hear your comments on this there.
Thanks and good luck!
Wishing you well.,
Philipa
Great read!
I divorced against my will 4-5 years ago and was alone for two years then my ex-wife came back and wanted to give it another shot but with her restrictions, her demands and her rules – not really accepting any of my suggestions, including counseling. Long story short, I got the “I have my options open and not sure I want a relationship” comment right in front of our children and I had no choice to walk away when I learned one of her new friends “options” (just met by a mutual friend of theirs) calls her “baby girl”. Now I’m back to the pain of when we originally divorced, feel cheated again by life and her and our children will not have a chance at seeing their family together again.
All I wanted was for my marriage to be restored but I also want to heal and move on b/c I’ve learned to love myself a bit more.
Dan
Dear Dan,
Thank you! Glad you liked it.
Dan I am a bit confused by your actions – you almost sound like you are your wife’s puppet. This sort of statement – ” I feel cheated again by life and her and our children will not have a chance at seeing their family together again.” Not an ideal response to hurt. Sure you are hurt, angry and disappointed, this is your right. But there were choices you made in this.
You get to choose your actions and responses.
I say this to help you see this and because it gives you your power back. Saying I didn’t have any choice, no option makes you the victim. Not a good idea Dan. Somewhere along the way you have lost yourself and your self worth. I want you to gain your strength back but the strength of the bamboo – who grows tall and yet can bend in the wind.
This is a wonderful if challenging time for you to grow into the man you want to be. There’s load of resources out there and on the website here for you use. Take up the sword of responsibility and fight for you!
Good Luck,
Philipa
Philipa,
you are right on. I lost myself in the process; not sure how it happened but it did. She’s now moving on and has gone back to her 1000 mile plain trips to meet with her 11+ year younger new facebook boyfriend. Kids no longer want to live with her as they are disappointed and hurt by her actions and their pain has helped me gain some strength back to live life for them and fight for their respect.
I have begun therapy in the local town I live in. And yes, you are right, I did make choices in this. I chose to give the marriage a second chance but with lots of fear. Then, I chose to leave because I didn’t want to be the puppet anymore and watch her go her trips and exercise her options while I stay behind with the kids. I chose to leave to find myself again and be the man I want to be. It is a very though process and he fear, anxiety and thought of her being with another man is my enemy so I’ve decided these are tantrums because I cannot get what I want, which is her for me as my wife. I am fighting, pushing and cutting the the emotional obstacles of pain out of the way to see a future again. Because I am valuable. I’ll dig into the resources you’ve mentioned.
Thank you Philipa!
Dan
Cheers Dan! Go with love.
Thanks Philipa,
As I continue to put all of my energy into my healing and seeking good help from good people like you, I’ve come to realize that walking out of the relationship as an act of dignity and self respect. Evident in the anger, silence and pride the other side is experiencing. I’ve now lost over 15lbs and feel great again, still have the pain but know that is temporary. I’ve received smiles from women in restaurants, walking down the street etc. and it has help me feel confident again. Doesn’t mean I am jumping into a relationship with anyone at the moment but helping me in the healing process.
I’ve been here before and I know what to do! Lots of prayer and rationalizing is best for me so I’ve turned to my God who is Love as I did once before.
I know I did my best, even when more was demanded of me (like weekly dates, etc.) but in the end the love for me was more like “I care for you” and I’ve come to accept it. I tried to reconcile the marriage no matter what but unfortunately it was “I” alone.
When the time is right I will meet my new love but for now I will continue to empty out the baggage to ensure I live the best life I can for me, my children and the blank page I now hold.
Dan
Ive been married for 3.5 yrs. We argue alot. Mostly bc of money, and family. Sex stopped before our wedding. Not sure why. I have said that I dont feel an emotional connection by her. We both have grown and accomplished more individual goals together. 1.5 yrs ago i agreed to let her bro. stay with us, and he is still here. I dont feel he is responsible or does enough.
I expect adults to be responsible and clean up after themselves, and communicate. We both come from dysfunctional families. However, now moving to a bigger place, her mom moved in. I feel like we get taken advantage of and she emotionally ceased connection. We are now at a point that after 24 hrs of no contact bc of a fight that led her to say I give her the same anxiety she had living at home bc I am unpredictable. Today I texted that I am sorry bc I highly dislike that man. I was hurt and I defended myself wrongly. I asked what she need from me? Her response was: Stop telling her what I think she wants to hear. She is tired of hurting me and tired of being unhappy. It’s not fair to her or myself to keep living like this. She is not doing it anymore. She said she always gives in. Her family will always be a priority over anyone. I dont deal with stress appropriately all the time and I am not as flexible as others. She said she feels horrible that she has no emotional connection and cant change it. Neither of us were like this when we met. What do I do, move out or stay. I have no money and I work where we both volunteer, which is one of the individual goals we accomplished. Our landlord is also apart of the same organization.
I am proud of her, find her attractive, and I am not embarrassed by her. I just dont know how to be intimate without emotional connection
And now my hope, and chasing in the past has gotten us here.
Do I leave if I am also on the lease?
Dear Anonymous,
I would like you to reread your comment. There doesn’t seem to be a foundation in your relationship that has created stability. Are you really sure this relationship is healthy for you both? I am guessing you don’t have children.
My guess is you both have more growth to do on your own before a equal connection can be realised. I can hear you have achieved some goals but from your comment you have some life stage stuff that is progressing.
You have to deal with the things you say in your letter you don’t deal with well – stress, anxiety and overwhelm. Have a look at the attachment article I wrote here patterns in relationships begin early. Add a comment there on what you read if you like.
As for your name being on the lease, you may want to change that if you leave otherwise you are in a contract with your landlord and could be liable for rental money. Please discuss from a wise and kind part of yoruself with the persons concerned. All the best.
Hi Philipa,
I have been married to my husband for five years and moved here in the state around four years . I am five months pregnant, a week ago my husband told me that he is in love with someone who he used to work with, they have been having an affair since last two years. But since I am pregnant my husband wanted to work with me to save the marriage.
I always trusted and loved him with all my heart, so I agreed to save our marriage, but since last three days my husband started having dual thoughts and now he says he wants to talk a break and see whether he wants me or her .. he claims he never actually loved me and he felt something so strong to fight for with her.
I am so devastated and heartbroken I tried to convince him, plead, cried, even tried to seduce him ( in short all the things I should not have)..
I love him and want him back .
He is planning to move out today. He says if he will feel differently about me , he will come back, otherwise there is no point staying in this loveless marriage.
Honestly I don’t know what to do.. I am here on dependant visa and don’t have an income.
Please suggest.
Dear Anchal,
Firstly congratulations on your baby – she or he must be looked after by both you and your husband.
Oh dear that’s hard when you are on a dependent visa and have no income. Will your husband be taking responsibility and do you have access to his money? This is really important. Is there any family support from your home family?
I really think I would be seeking urgent therapy to help you address the above. Regardless of what ever he does, you and your baby must be financially supported and feel safe in this. You poor thing, you should be looking forward to your baby’s arrival. Glad you are using hte internet and getting information. There are always support and welfare services in most areas. Here is Welfare service Florida This is my suggestion. You need advocates for you and baby. And of course this is the perfect time for the LRT. Take care sweetie.
I’m so lost. My wife is asking for a divorce. We have such a great life together we have great communication we have a wonderful family. We have a mutual respect but she tells me that she never loved me and that she’s never been sexually attracted to me. Our marriage is always been missing an animal magnetism at least on her part. Now she’s decided that she needs to leave to be alone. To explore being a single woman which is something she never got to do since we got together so young. She wants to move very quickly and finalizing a divorce. I absolutely I’m in love with her she’s such a wonderful person wonderful wife and wonderful mother. I don’t want this to end and I can see that all of my attempts to try to keep her or just pushing her further and farther away. How do I start this when if it were up to her she would go see a mediator and end our marriage tomorrow.
She’s asked me to move out for a little while we figure everything out. I feel like the moment I’m out the door she’s out of my life forever. How do I make her see the man that I am. I’m already the man she’s looking for she just can’t see it she can only see the man I used to be.
There’s nothing in the world I want more then to keep our family together.
I also want to add that she is absolute in her determination to leave. See is look at other houses. Has a realtor coming to see what our house can be sold for. She has said she will not go to counseling again. She is telling people that see is leaving and she feels so much relief. Is it really over? Is there anything I can do. She says she loves me and wants me to be loved like she never could.
I feel like there is nothing left to do but accept it. But I can’t. I still love her. I need her to stay and see everything she wants is right here.
Dear Ryan,
Gee your relationship sounds like it is in the friendship camp. So if you think back was there sexual chemistry?
Sadly people can’t fake that. Sometimes folk who are tough place do a revisioning of the relationship.
You are going to have to be full of courage, super brave and let your love for her mean you do accept where she is at. Hard as that is. You must let go of your need for her. This squashes sexual energy. If you come more into yourself and bravery then who knows what could happen. Woman are attracted to this.
From your previous comment:
I feel like there is nothing left to do but accept it. But I can’t. I still love her. I need her to stay and see everything she wants is right here.
This is about your need and not about her Ryan. That’s conditional love and has to change. Please get some on the ground support for this insecurity and heal. And use the LRT!
Thanks Philipa,
Since I posted this message I have tried to just take some me time. Work out, do house projects, smile, be up beat. You are so right, we are in the friendship zone. Care for each other but lack a sexual chemistry. I have felt that we have seriously lacked that though our relationship. I made mistakes in our relationship pressuring sex. I understand that it’s my need for physical contact to show that she loves me. Over a 14-year marriage that’s caused a lot of damage. She says that she doesn’t have a sexual desire for me and has lacked it for our relationship. There are certainly times when we have a fantastic sexual chemistry. 2 times a day, meeting around the corner, distracting our daughter so that we can go have a quickie. Sorry not to be crass just trying to be specific.
I completely understand that my desire to stay in this relationship is self-serving. I know I’m afraid to be alone. I know I’m afraid to start over. When we met I was 21 I’m now 35 and I’m absolutely terrified of starting over.
I’m going to reread the last resort system and try to apply as best I can. If this relationship can be saved, but started with a new sense of purpose I believe it’s worth saving. If not and I think I’m getting closer to accepting that there’s somebody out there who will see the things in me that I wish that she could see.
Dear Ryan,
Super pleased you are doing the LRT with great spirit.
Years of damage are not going to be repaired over night. Meet your onw sexual needs in the mean time – masturbate. It’s a good stress relief. I find that if one is pressuring the other for sex it is often about reassurance from anxiety. Men generally seek physical comfort, women tend to want words and emotional connection. However both of these responses will come across as pressure and critical at times. Not what we are wanting – loving.
Sexual chemistry at the start of the relationship is a good sign.
You also have to deal with this fear you have of being alone. I just spoke to this in another comment. Staying in a relationship out of fear is a hostage situation. Not pretty. And you get that it’s more one sided. You need to live this. Learning to focus more on our loved ones helps.
Well done for reaching out and making changes already – you go Ryan!
Thanks Philipa,
I have a few questions. I took off my wedding ring. Good idea, bad idea?
And my wife had been wanting to talk about this lately. We’ve had some good conversations about where things went wrong. We’ve been able to talk without tears or anger. But the conversations usually turn to the things that I did wrong. And it’s me talking about those things not her. She has been appreciative of the fact that I can admit my faults. Should I avoid having these conversations? They always seem like in my mind like we’re finding common ground and somewhere to build off of. But in the end she keeps saying that she doesn’t love me. Should I cut these conversations right out?
The only other things we seem to talk about our how we’re going to move forward with the separation. Plans for selling the house, how will split time with our daughter, where were each going to live, how will divide up Financial situations.
We seem to have gotten over the anger part but now it just seems like the conversations we have continue to drive a wedge because they’re always about furthering the separation. I’m just not exactly sure if I should be having those conversations or are they a natural part of allowing her to feel some of the distance in our separation in order to find a way back to her marriage.
Thanks
Can I save my marriage with the last even if my husband lost trust in me? I have lied so many times, also I cheated.
A E Anything is possible. Will it be easy? Most likely not very.
But will you learn, will you stretch yourself and gain a sense of self worth – YES! That is one of the super useful benefits of the LRT.
For every behaviour there is a reason. If you truly felt good enough, valued yourself knowing you were important would you be acting in those old ways?
Please get some help to get you there sweetie xx
Dear Philipa,
You are too kind to respond to everyone’s messages.
I have been married for 25 years. I was a stay at home mom when we stared having kids 19 years ago. He worked hard for us and he had the opportunity to change jobs with better room for advancement about 7 years ago. I encouraged him and I went back to work as it was a decrease in salary at the time. I changed jobs 4 years ago for better pay and benefits and my boss was super needy. I spent all of my emotional and physical energy on my boss. I had nothing left to give. I then got into a financial bind and started working so much to pay for everything. He was very angry this happened. I also became angry and took it out on my family including my 3 beautiful children. I have started repairing my relationships with them and we are good now but that was a major issue with him and I get it now. 2 years ago he started talking to a friend of mine as she was in a bad relationship and wanting to leave her husband. I found out in January 2018 and he said he wanted a separation the he asked for a divorce in March. I realized what I needed to change and what I did to contribute to the problems in our marriage. Now it seems like that’s all we’re focusing on. He stayed in the back room but then moved out officially in May just 1 month ago. He continues to talk to her for 3-5 hours a day. She moved out of state but her husband followed her. This is a pattern of theirs I guess. We were going on walks and we would hold hands and he’d kiss me but just yesterday he said this isn’t working and he feels nothing. I would ask about her hoping it would be less secretive but then he also just told me he feels weird talking about her now. He’s always said they’re just friends but I’m so sick of hearing that. I can tell there’s more to it and I think he did all of this hoping something will happen with her. I know him better than he knows himself unless he’s just trying to be considerate of my feelings. She is not a nice person and she creates a lot of drama and crap herself but he doesn’t see it. She plays the victim. He says he can see us getting married again someday but he was never like this before her. He would’ve never left as he is such a family man and we always worked out our problems. I have backed off, no calling or texting unless it has something to do with the kids and I’m trying to be happy and positive and nice although it’s super hard on some days. He has changed our history also. Now he’s saying we haven’t connected for years. I’m doing the best I can for myself. I will continue working on myself regardless of what happens. I am getting better and I feel decent on some days now. He seems moody, sad and frankly it’s annoying. I think he has a midlife crisis and depression. I’d like to save my marriage and this is probably all I can do for now. If you have anymore advice I’d love to hear it. He won’t go to any kind of counseling. Thank you for any advice.
Thanks Stephanie,
I do appreciate your gratitude. It does take time and effort but I love supporting all teh pwoepl who write in and share their stories. I am admiring of you all. Hope is at hand.
Glad you are using the LRT and starting to feel decent on some days. Yes those with depression can reframe a relationship as not being good for a long time. My advice is to empathise – ” Yes I can hear you have been feeling unhappy for a long time.” What most of us do is go more like this ” that’s not true we had this and htat good time…” Totally negating the other person’s point of view. Hard as it is stay with them and hear their pain and struggle. I guarantee he’s been getting a listening ear with the other person.
What all of us what is to be seen, hear and made to feel valued. Often we have stopped listening, not noticing our partners good aspects.
Do the LRT full on. There are still hurts and resentments that will need to be healed if there is a turnaround. Take it slowly. Do not mention the other woman – this only makes a contrast between her and you and you won’t come out favourably. You are the mother of his children and he chose you in the beginning hold on to this hope for now. Take care
I just statred this today. I have done everything you discuss. My wife of 10 years on August 31 told me a month ago tht she wasbnot feeling the feelings she should have to me i ask why and she said no connection tht she wonts to separate and the only reasion she is still around is becouse of the kids i asked her if there was someone else and she said no i went though her social media accounts and emails and asked her about staying late after work regularly waited up for her told her i would do things tht i did not keep my work on like giving her space it was hard she left a couple time lied and said she was with her mom but shebwas renting hotel rooms i got upset about tht too she said we need to spilt the bills in the house get our debt right then we need to separate i cryid a lot begged alot pleaded a lot tonight is the first night starting this and guess what she came home got ready and said she was leaving to go out with her girlfiind then she might have to work afterward i told her alright and have fun. The urge to say something was there and i just keep it in it was hard
Well done Harold,
you have started the LRT well. It would not be in your best interests to say things about her going out. It makes you seem like a parent – not sexy.
Be brave hold yourself together and go full steam ahed with the LRT. At least you have a direction now. Take it as easy as you can.
Philipa
Ive been married for 43 years and my husband has told me that he loves me but is not in love with me. We have been seperated for almost a yearand live in seperate houses. Hes involoved with another women who he says hes in love with now. He says he doesnt want a divorce wants us to be friends and wants us to do things together. Which we have done several things together. He holds my hands when we walk, kisses and gives me hugs when he leaves and even shares my bed when he comes over to work on the house we bought 4 yrs ago. No intimacy though.
My question is how can i get him to fall in love with me again. Without ruining what Im getting from him now?
Julia
Dear Julia,
I really don’t know the answer to your question of how do I get someone to fall in love with you again.
Reading your comment it sounds as if you are ok with this situation. You really need to decide this for yourself. Is a friendship ok? I haven’t heard really want your wants, needs and desires are. All you are doing is not rocking the boat here.
I am ok with this as long as your self esteem is not suffering or you are getting depressed with disappointment. If this is the case then clearly you have your answer, things are not ok for you.
Until you go inside yourself and get your responses I am not sure what progress can be made, dear one.
Hello,
We have been married 16 years and have 2 kids. Last month after a business trip my husband told me he didn’t want to be married anymore and that he didn’t love me. I lost it and cried, begged, and made a fool of myself. About 3 weeks later I couldn’t cry anymore and I told him he needed to move out. He still hasn’t left. I started working out, spending time with friends and painting again. We communicate fine and I don’t think there is anyone else. I know he is extremely stressed with his work. But he seems like he wants out but is afraid to leave us. I finally told him I care about him however he needs to leave the house so that our children and I can adjust to our lives without him. He looked shocked. He plans stuff for us to do I have said no to some things because I have prior arrangements. I just don’t know what he is planning. I do care about him and love him but I don’t tell him. I have been patient but I feel like our lives are in hold while he figures out what he wants and he gets to live with us while he gets himself together. Ugh
Dear Shelley,
I get this is not easy for you to be in what feels like a holding pattern.
Reading your email I would suggest couple therapy to understand how your relationship got to this place. You need a time out from any exits while you both earn your way in or out of this. This will offer you both a safe place to explore intimately. Interview therapists – I suggest an Imago therapist directory near you.
Good on you for using the LRT to give you a sense of agency at this unsettling time. My advice would be no pressure. I know this is hard for you living in uncertainty world. Have faith in his ability and love.
Hi,
My wife of 2 years has moved out (we’ve been together 4 years altogether). She said she loved me but wasn’t in love with me. Lots of things have led to this including mental health issues of her own and her adult daughter who was living with us and the fact she moved away from her home town, although only 6 miles away.
I told her I loved her and would let her go this time, as the same time last year she left me and I fought for her. I told her that I was preparing myself for ot never seeing her again and sought counselling.
Before she moved out she told me she wanted to try and stay in our marriage but just not live together. She thanked me for caring so much that I’d let her go and told me she really loved me and wouid miss me. We agreed to date and remain monogamous.
The thing for me is, that whilst on our dates (we’ve had 3 in the 3 weeks since she moved out) we are getting on well, holding hands, kissing etc, in between times she sometimes sends me flirty messages and other times nothing at all. It’s an absolute roller coaster. I miss her and have a terrible pain in my heart. I also work from home and I’m finding the loneliness intolerable. I’m watching and waiting for her to send me a message. I don’t know how you can work on a marriage when communication is rare or confusing. I clearly need to hear from her more than she needs to hear from me. She will still say she loves me too.
She’s been too busy to get in touch for days before today when we were supposed to planning a date for tomorrow, and that was to say she wants to see me but won’t know when she’s going to be free. In my mind she’s a priority and I will lock time down for her. I just have to be slotted in which doesn’t seem fair.
We have a night away booked together in a few weeks but I have no idea if she sees us a friends going away, a married couple or potential lovers! I see her as all 3 but don’t want to scare her off. Should I just go with the flow? I’m so scared of bieng hurt anymore or over and I’ve again. My friends and family are telling me to move on but I love my wife dearly.
Any advice would be most welcome.
Dear Mel,
thanks for your comment. I think you are right – you don’t want to scare her off. Your need for her approval and connection sounds like its making your life difficult.
Reading between the lines in your letter – you feel unappreciated and have some high expectations which at this stage will not be met. It doesn’t sound to me as if you are working on your marriage. With the LRT you are first trying to save your marriage. Later when things are stronger you have to work on the marriage.
So make yourself a priority but not in an act of defiance, instead in self care. Your thinkin gabout her and her needs most likely has meant you don’t know or are not pursuing yours. That’s the beauty of Step 2 Get a life of the LRT.
And yes I would say if you can go with flow that’s the best thing. You have to deal with your fear of rejection, this level of fear is deep seated and puts way to much pressure on any relationship. I am guessing there is some abandonment stuff coming from your end. Find a way to be by yourself and comfortable with this as a start to you and the relationship healing. Get to know you.
My husband of 15 years says he wants a divorce we have slept in different rooms for 2 years but he has not filed I really think he is afraid of losing money in divorce, he retired and started a new job ( he has plenty of money) I’ve done all the things you say not to do but am trying to do better I do not want a divorce and part of me feels like he does not either I’m his 4th wife! I love him dearly and I’m going to try you’re method faithfully, when I’m home he finds every reason not to be here! Has avoided my daughter that he raised and my grandkids he dearly loves, do you think there is hope
Dear Laure,
yes where there is life there is hope.
I am concerned you have been pretty separate for a while now and it’s your husbands fourth marriage. I would advocate therapy in conjunction with the LRT to work this out. You guys need a shake up and the support a therapist can offer. I am sure you are correct he most likely doesn’t want a divorce. Each of you don’t really know what you both want and need. tAke care xx
My husband and i would be married 13 years next month. We have two girls, 6 and 5.
A few months ago he completely surprised me by saying he was filing for divorce. After 3 excruciating days he agrees to give it a try. We had just started seeing a new marriage therapist. So we put a game plan together and started working on it. However, of the last 6 weeks, my husband has been traveling for 5 of them. It’s so hard when he is gone because i get tired being a single mom, and we don’t really get a chance to connect and create forward movement.
Last week at therapy he got really angry and insisted he was filing, didn’t want to be with me anymore and wanted the divorce process to go as quickly as possible.
I feel like i am at the last resort phase. He has talked about sitting down to discuss what and when we talk to our girls. He insists that any activities we do with our girls should only be him or me but not both.
I’m trying to be warm, have casual conversation. I’ve stated doing yoga again, and i signed up for a photography class. He is still living at home but is in the guest room.
I feel like i am more or less following the plan, anything else to recommend? My friend and i have considered going on a retreat together but i wonder if it is bad timing?
Any advice is appreciated.
Dear Tonia,
yes you sound like you are at the LRT. Therapy would be advised much later when there is stability back.
Well done for stepping up for yourself and doing Yoga and a photography course. This is the perfect time for a retreat with your friend – go refresh and enjoy. What’s the alternative? Sitting around trying to figure things out? So have fun.
Keep it very light.
It would be good for the girls if you have family time together but don’t push this in any way.
I am concerned with your sentence -“I feel like i am more or less following the plan,..” I want you to sit down and identify ways you are not following the LRT. Get a pen and paper. Write these down.
Eg sometimes I start a conversation and ask about the relationship.
Next step: When I do this I am feeling ____________ and I need_______ . I will acnkowledge my feeling of ______ to myself and look after this need by____________. This provides you with insight and a way to offer deeper connection and support for yourself. Let me know how you go please Tonia. xx
Hi
I am from CentralAmerica and my wife divorced from me 6 months ago after 12 years together. We were married for almost 7 years and have a daughter. I love my ex wife deeply but I also understand why she left me. I was raised in a dysfunctional family where my alcoholic dad used to physically and verbally abused my mom during all my childhood and adolescence. I was always too jealous and did not trust my ex and accused her several times of cheating on me during the last years. Now after reading a lot during this breakup and divorce I understand my ex and I am trully trying to change my mindset and show her all I am doing to gain her back. I am still faithful to her, gave her the house, and I give her almost ALL my money. She even said he hated me during the first months of separation but during the last 4 months she has let me spend the weekend at home with her and our daughter, I have made breakfast and lunch for them, watched movies at home, laugh and one had we even hugged and almost kissed. but she is nice one day and the next day she acts mean and cruel. I am confused. I even told her that I am changing and one day we will be together and she said It may be….
Dear Alejandro,
good work on doing the LRT. Your childhood dysfunctional family will have lead to the anxiety and depression you have felt over the years. So sorry you did not get as much safety, security and unconditional love we all deserve just for being born. I have compassion for your family also.
You will need to apply much patience. As your partner will be slowly healing from the emotional hurt of your past actions. This is why one day they are warm and the next angry. Go slowly to get there quickly. It gives you an opportunity to offer love without conditions. Live your change and eventually you may see results. If that happens then I would get therapy to address and strengthen your bond. Good luck!
My husband and I have been having quite a few issues these last few months. I found out that he was texting his ex behind my back and when confronted, he said he won’t change, however, I know he hasn’t been talking to her like he was. We have had many fights since then where anger from past issues have come up. We have both said many mean and hurtful things to each other as well. I have taken full responsibility for my part in our problems and have apologized. I have asked for another chance and he keeps saying we have already been there done that and he has given me chances. The one difference this time is that he has now been staying in our camper instead of home and we have also started the every other weekend visits with our daughter with him. If possible, due to his work schedule because he is a truck driver, he will see her through the week. He just moved to the camper 3 weeks ago and I have done all of the things you have said not to do…begged, text constantly, ask to talk about the future. When I ask him if I should give up all hope, his response is that he can’t tell me what to do. I just want to get an answer one way or the other not just for myself but my daughter was well who is also in limbo. Others have suggested that he can’t give me a response because he is hurt and confused as well. I don’t know if I should just cut my ties and move on or if this is a situation where possibly the last resort technique can work.
He also did cheat on me about 5 years ago and I have managed to forgive him but when I found out he was talking to his ex behind my back, all those old feelings came back.
Along with the above, it always seems like I am the one who needs to make the changes and we continue to fight because I may change for a bit but nothing changes on his part so I go back to my old ways. That is why he says…you change but it never last. I have apologized for what I did but he never does. When something is said, he will say, it is all my fault, just blame everything on me for our issues or if we don’t work out. I have been very clear to him that it isn’t all his fault and it isn’t all mine….we are both at fault. He just keeps saying he will take the blame for it.
We have actually gotten along better since he has moved out of the camper. We talk more etc. We even hung out for a bit this past weekend but just because we were in the same place basically. I asked if he wanted to hang out this weekend and he said….we just did hang out so we are good and then I get all upset again. In looking at what I need to start doing, if it is even worth it, is to not try to make plans with him like this. I just need to give him his space because he can’t miss me or realize what he may miss out on because I haven’t given him the opportunity.
Dear Ruth, you are right. And you have to let go of expecting him to do anything. No apology, no nothing, it’s freeing really for you if you let go.
Dear Ruth,
Well you can’t cut ties with the father of your daughter sweetie. That’s not the way to go. Yes I think you have the unspoken checking out as he’s moved into the camper.
While I do believe you thought you had gotten past the affair, it would seem this is not the case. I have seen decent people who truly want to let it go but often a part of you is angry and it leaks act with insecurity, attack and accusations.
Definitely give the LRT your full and total attention. What have you got to lose? Good luck!
So, we got into an argument last week and I had had enough. I told him that we needed to talk when our daughter wasn’t around. He asked me what we needed to talk about and I said it seemed like he made up his mind so we might as well start to finalize what we want to do and left. The next morning, he texted me and thanked me for helping him out (I was trying to do things to make sure he saw our daughter with his work schedule). I honestly don’t know the last time he has thanked me for anything. Then he started to send me texts out of the blue, which he never really did even before this. We have been talking a lot since this time and I even stayed with him one night.
I haven’t mentioned anything regarding our marriage and where it is heading at this time. I think we both like how we are actually talking and getting along and don’t want to jinx it. I am getting ready to go on vacation with my daughter next week. She has already stated she doesn’t like going to dad’s one weekend then staying with me the next. I explained that we are still working through things and that neither of us want to go back to how it was before with the arguing so we are still taking our time to make sure we make the best choice for everyone. I am not promising her that her dad and I will get back together but I am just trying to get her to understand that we are working on us.
I don’t know if I should bring up where we are going when we get back from vacation or just see how things go from here……what do you suggest?
Hi My husband of 20 years has told me he loves me but not in love with me. He says, he felt our marriage has been stale for last 10 years and does not feel there is any point in trying to fix it. He also says he needs space to think. I did drink to much for a while but dont anymore and I am really trying to be a nicer person but I am just heartbroken and find it hard to be happy and don’t even know how to make him laugh anymore. We have 2 children 18 & 19 both off to college this September. He is still in the house and very nice to me but in separate rooms we do talk but just about nothing. I really love him and I don’t know what to do to make him reconsider our marriage. All his family are telling him not to quit but he is listening to nobody. What can i do.
Dear May,
You can do the LRT. Stop tying to make him do anything – it hasn’t worked right? So give yourself a break. Stop talking about your relationship to others. You are facing an empty next as the children of off to college. Use the precious time to focus on clearing yourself up and growing.Books to help In particular look at Lost Connections by Johann Hari.
All the best!
Philipa,
My husband an I have been together for 5 years, married 1. We have a (almost 3yr old together) and are “high school sweethearts”. We have been unhappy for a while now, often when we see a problem in the relationship we address it and promise to “work on it” we both get so busy in the hustle of our days as he works a full time job and a part time job, and I work a full time job along with caring for our child, that we both go back to our old ways.
About a week ago, we had an argument, and I lashed out in anger and said I wanted a divorce. It was an empty statement, but I hurt him. He told me I broke his heart. The last 2 nights he stayed somewhere else, and tells me to leave him alone. Last night when he was home he hung out with our daughter and I asked if he was staying with us tonight, he said no. And I started begging for him back. I feel weak, and destroyed. I want my family together whatever it takes but he keeps telling me there’s no going back.
He still wears his wedding band, and says he loves me, but only says it when leaving or hanging up the phone, out of habit I’m sure.
Is my relationship really over or is “The Last Resort” something I should try at this point. He’s so cold to me and I don’t know what to do.
Dear Ariana,
I don’t think the LRT is for you just yet. I would give him more time to cool off. Then I would want to approach him and take ownership of your threat. Your relationship has been in the danger zone for a while. I think therapy would be more useful. However if your husbands hurt part keeps him distant you do the LRT. Best of luck!
My husband and I are separated. He refused to talk to me about anything. Our separation was due to his anger issues resulting in charges for him. It’s been six months. In this time I’ve done a lot of soul searching and working on myself a lot. I reach out to him to let him know that I want our marriage to work etc and it’s always met with nothing… or more anger. I’m at the point of calling it quits on my end… meaning I’m not gonna be willing to wait on him much longer. I’ve tried the backing off… nothing seems to work. Any suggestions?
Dear Jazzy,
I am concerned that you would be reaching out to someone who is not ready to change. You simply can’t do it all. And it’s gotten to a point where your partner’s anger is unsafe if there are charges laid. Live and learn from this get your own therapy. Read this book But he really loves me… And the Beverly Engels books. Take care xx
Dear Philipa,
I feel so lost and helpless. My wife and I are going through a rough patch. I have acknowledged that what lead us to where we are today was my own actions. We’ve been together for 6 years but only married for 15 months.
My wife tells me that she feels that since day one she gave and gave and gave and felt as if she got nothing in return. I didn’t see it that way. I knew at times I was stubborn and selfish, but I always cared and loved her.
Now we have taken space a few times. It wasn’t until she stayed a a friends for a few weeks that I understood how bad things were. I didn’t pick up that she was pulling away sooner. She even blames me for not seeing that she was distancing herself. I told her that I can’t be to blame for not being able to read her mind and that I wished she communicated to me how she felt.
Now that I do know how bad things are I’ve been doing everything I can to make things right and be the husband she always deserved, but nothings changing with her.
She wanted me to make her feel important and show I care, I am still
No change.
She suggested marriage counseling, at first I dismissed the idea (because I didn’t know how bad things were) but then I came around and agreed to go. We’ve had a few sessions and nothing’s changed with her. I’m also having my own counseling sessions to continue to try and better myself.
We haven’t had sex in 3 months. When I try she says that she feels as if I’m pressuring her. So now I’ve backed off from trying.
After our last round of space she came back home, but once she came home it feels as if she didn’t really come back. She’s still distant and closed off towards me. She’s stopped telling me she loves me and stopped wearing her rings. She’s always so busy with work and college classes that there is no time for us. I tell her that I want to work this out and move forward and I take what little time we have together, she says that not fair to me.
The last few days she’s told me she loves me but can’t work this out. Says she’s unhappy and feels like she has nothing left to give. She also feels that the “new” me is only temporary and fears I’ll go back to my old ways in a few months. I would never was to go through this hell just to throw it all away by acting uncaring again. She tells me I deserve to be with someone that won’t be so guarded and closed off to me as she is.
I’ve tried to not be sad around her but there have been several moments where I couldn’t help it. At times I would be sad and tell her we chose to marry each other, we made vows to each other. She said saying those things seems as if I’m throwing them in her face which was not at all my intentions. She tells me I need to remember this is hard for her as well and not just me.
I’m currently traveling for work as I write this. Her and I haven’t talked much while I’ve been gone. She’s reached out a few times and I could tell in her voice that she sounds angry when she asks why I haven’t reached out regularly like I normally would. I told her I’m just busy working, but really I’m confused. If she’s telling me she loves me but can’t work this out then why is she upset she hasn’t heard from me? She called me earlier for no reason. Just to talk since we hadn’t all day. I’m afraid to tell her how I feel, which is that I love and want to work on this, so I didn’t. I did end up just saying I miss her and nothing more. Told her that I haven’t intentionally been not reaching out to her. She said it’s fine and that she just needs space while I’m gone. Told her I’d call her later and she told me not to. She said she would call me before she went to sleep since she needs to study.
Of course I want to reach out to her but now I’m scared of what to say. I can’t even have a normal conversation with her because all of this is all I can think about.
I feel as if nothing I’ve been doing or am still doing is helping.
I took my ring off since she did. I hated doing that. I don’t want to give up on us but I feel as if maybe she’s trying to make me be the one that ends it all?
I feel so lost. I never thought this would happen to us but here we are. Anything I try to do to distract myself doesn’t work. I just want to work this out with her.
Please help.
Dear B, you really have to dig deeply into the patient part of yourself here.
While it’s great you are making the changes you do need to address your empathizing ability and imagine what it’s been like for her. Obviously she will need to do her own work. It takes time.
Reach out to her and tell her you are scared of making things worse. Leaving her to do all this is part of the old marital pattern. Take up the sword and face your fear. Don’t act out on it with anger or avoidance. Most importantly be patient. Good on you for starting the process.
Really believer her as you wrote “She tells me I need to remember this is hard for her as well and not just me.” As you develop more other focus this gets easier.
You can be angry but still not be passive aggressive. Here I am referring to you letting yourself down and not following through while traveling with your promised contact. Not the way to go B unless you want a divorce. Stop making reasons and share your fears in a gentle way with her. It takes real courage to be vulnerable.
It sounds to me you took off your ring because she did. What message does that send her? As it kind of sounds tit for tat to me. What message would it send if you put it back on?
Married 31 years. One in college one in hs, one in middle school.
Youngest child with autism. Hubby works 60 to 70 hours and week and brings work home. I work too. Lots of loss in the last 5 years. Job change, church change, surgery, chronic health issues, aging parents, menopause. Stress and lots of it!
We have grown distant and very busy with life. Conflicts not resolved but swept under the rug.
When I try to talk to him about issues, he brings up something I did that he was angry about that I didn’t even know about. I push and he withdraws.
I get upset and he stonewalls.
We have been going through the motions for a few years now. I do and have done most of the relationship work. I am the initiator and do not get most of my emotional needs met. He is a good man, good provider, but passive and disengaged a lot of the time. Irritable and tired from too much work. Unhappy with his job and depressed I think.
Recently I lost both parents (one to suicide) and went into a depression. My therapist says dysthymia since I kept doing and never stopped I still did everything like taking care of the house and work and kids but was irritable and had many grief symptoms. One day out of the blue, no discussion ever about divorce in the past- we are both christians and don’t believe in divorce or I didn’t think we did?- he came home cooked a nice dinner and then said, I want a divorce and i don’t love you anymore, never did, and want out. He has been mean, hateful, gave me the silent treatment for a solid month and refused to discuss ANYTHING. He became someone I didn’t know and was showing a lot of anger resentment and frustration but wouldn’t talk about it with me. He is like shut down emotionally and trying to run away from his and our problems. I don’t want a divorce and want to go to counseling. He refuses. He is going to the gym, moved his money to a separate account, but has not moved out and won’t. He has not officially filed yet. Wants to work on a settlement but expects me to arrange everything and gets defensive, angry, and threatens me with taking me to court and fighting for custody if I don’t agree to this divorce. I am in therapy now myself and a grief recovery group as well. I do not think he’s having an affair from anything I can tell but he is very angry, resentful, and acting like a teenager in his behaviors and communications. He blames me for everything and takes no responsibility for the breakdown in our marriage. I admit my part have apologized for my faults, and am willing to change but long for open communication,affection, and love really. He admits to purposefully withholding emotional support during the loss of my parents and even has not initiated sex from me for the last two years. He’s obviously got a lot bottled up and refused to even go to therapy himself until “after” we divorce? It’s been 3 months but he is still in the home. I moved into the other bedroom because Incouldnt sleep next to the man I don’t know anymore. He is 52 and having a midlife crisis per my counselor.
I have been employing the last resort technique for the last month with no change so far that I can tell. I am working on me and reconnecting with friends, church, and hobbies.
He deliberatly isolating me from his family ( the only family I really have left) and I have been left out of many events and he is giving them a one sided view. With the death of my parents, I just quit doting on him, initiating sex, and was just in survival mode and he took this as that I didn’t love him and internalized a lot of things. He is somewhat selfish in my opinion and doesn’t hear and dismisses my complaints or says that’s i am being over dramatic and too much. He gets this calm patronizing demeanor and acts like Immunreasonable when I am upset that my needs are not getting met in any way which makes me crazy and then I get more upset, louder, and more demendjng which causes him to withdraw more. Not sure how to change this pattern. He is Dismissive and then turns the tables on me and it’s all about him……
He is spending more time with the kids and especially trying to butter up the older two and be the great dad and painting me in a bad light. It is very hurtful. The tension in the home is horrible and he hides out in the bedroom when I am home but is Mr wonderful to the kids when I am not around. I am almost 50 and trying to look at terms and come to an amicable agreement is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. I don’t want to fight it out in court. I want to save the children the trauma and I told him Inbelieve this is totally wrong but I am willing to let him go if that is what he needs because I love him enough to do so but I’m not doing all the work to make it happen. If he wants this, he needs to do it and be the man of the house and arrange it. It’s like he’s waiting on me and getting mad when I don’t pursue refinancing the house in my name or calling the solicitor, etc.
He is up and down and all around. Looking at boats, 4 wheelers, cars, houses, etc.
Is there anything else I can do but wait it out? I’m beginning to loose my love for him but Inknow love is an action not a feeling but I feel that our relationship has been one sided for a long time. 31 years is a long time to let go of but in therapy now I am realizing that our dynamic is not a healthy one as our communication and intimacy are gone. I am exhausted with trying to keep everything together for years. I’m vacillating back and forth between wanting this to work out and moving on. But my core beliefs balk at the idea of divorce and I have to be true to those and be able to know in my heart that I did all incould to save my marriage. But is there anything left to save is the question I guess? I cannot focus, it’s constantly on my mind, and am very upset inside but pretending on the outside.
I have even got on an antidepressant which has helped me somewhat but I am just blindsided, hurt, and trying to figure out my next steps.
Thank you in advance for any encouragement and advice.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
you poor thing you have had more than your fair share of stress. Glad you have the support of your faith, your counsellor and grief group. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Having dealt with suicide in my family – my uncle and more recently (three years ago) a dear nephew. It’s not easy. So with all the tumult I say slow it down.
There’s deep disappointment, grief and sadness in your marriage on both sides. I know you are hurting but you need to stop acting this hurt out in anger.
Please stop trying to get your partner to change, admit his part or tell him more of his flaws or faults. Way to negative. Stop it right this minute. You need to deal with your anger, bitterness and resentment toward your husband. Cataloguing his faults can be a way we have of not working through our emotions.
You can’t change him only you. So stop trying and have a big rest. This is the best way to interrupt the overfunctioning pattern.
Take the children right out of your quarrel. A good outcome is he is spending more time with them. Don’t take this personally. I know you are more capable than that.
By the way all your emotions are normal and healthy. I don’t believe anti depressants are the answer. Unless you cannot get out of bed and have stopped functioning.
So glad you are taking up your church activities and finding yourself again. Love is letting go of the outcome. Find yourself again this is what is key. Take care.
Have been using the LRT since April. We have been married for 25 years and in March she said she was emotionally disconnected and didn’t want to be married anymore. We have been living together and sleeping in the same bed. Do normal husband and wife stuff, go out to eat, enjoy boating together, go to concerts (all on her arrangements), conversations etc, but no affection or sexual contact.. For new comers this does work if you follow it correctly and don’t modify. I think the most important part that has worked is doing your own thing. I see where the curiosity has caught her attention and I’m not just sitting around waiting for her to make her decision on “our” future. Several weeks ago was the first time any sexual contact occurred and when I moved to intercourse and was shut down and it was only oral and she didn’t want any attention at all, just me. I would like to bring attention to a resent event. She went on vacation with 3 other “girl” friends. She was checking the security cameras on her return day (waiting for her flight). When she returned home she said I hadn’t returned 2 of her text’s and wanted to know where I had been all day since my car wasn’t seen at the house. I was taken off guard and wasn’t sure what to say. I started to explain what I had done that day (cleaning boat at marina). She immediately asked who I took out on the boat. How do I take this? If shes not emotionally connected, what would she care who I was with? Confused!! By the way I was by myself.
Dear Jack,
I would take this as a positive sign. Yes of course she’s emotionally connected. The status quo has been interrupted and she is curious. Again I do say therapy might help you reconnect further. Good luck.
How do you approach my wife that has basically stopped talking to me in the last month, planning a few trips to visit her family without me (vacation in one case, a long weekend in the other case), is cold as ice, hanging out with her gf for dinner tonight. Out of the blue she started volunteering for an organization. It almost sounds as if she is prepping herself to get on with her life without me. We have been married 18 years with a lot of ups and downs, which were my fault, infidelity mostly. Once I asked her if she is ok while this new behavior started. I know I’ve made mistakes and apologized. Haven’t apologized in a while about the job situation. Recently I did get a part time job to get back into the workforce to help attain full time. Wedding anniversary is soon and I am not sure what to do. Should I just say that I realize something is wrong, I know it’s my fault, are you wanting a divorce? I never felt that she would want a divorce but I feel it in my gut. I’d like to save the marriage, but not sure if there’s a leg to stand on?
Dear Really Rattled,
It’s almost as if your wife is doing the Last Resort Technique. I know it’s now easy RR.
From your email your relationship of 18 years has gone through real turmoil. How were the infidelity and other crises worked through?
And yes I would be worried too, her behaviour is telling something.
To me it sounds like you communication is not at it’s most useful level – open and talking about your fears, being vulnerable.
For you RR I would start talking about it but be really careful in how you talk about it. Forget apologizing so much as living the change. Her change in behaviour is scaring a part of you. But be aware she is doing healthy and life affirming stuff for her and you want to be able to do this – hold onto your fear and cheer her on. You know both she and you are not ok. The marriage is no longer on auto pilot so you guys better get in the cockpit or it’s going to crash.
Definitely get a job. This is how you can step up. Blaming yourself and being the victim are not. Learn how to communicate your emotions in a warm loving way and how to listen. Become more interested in her than you.
It’s about having the courage to grow here RR.
She’s obviously a caring person – you chose well. Take care.
We have been married 25 years. March she said she has no emotional connection, doesn’t want to be married and sex stopped. Everything is the same in our relationship. She won’t move out and begin a new life. We eat dinner, go out to dinner, go to concerts etc. We sleep in the same bed and she plans future things for us to do. We laugh and talk like normal couples. Everything except no affection at all. I came across the LRT and have been applying it since April. I have been doing things on my own. I have seen results. Recently a couple times we have had sexual contact but it was one sided. She didn’t want any affection from me. No intercourse just oral for me. Made no big deal about it and never mentioned it or discussed the reason behind it. Recently she went on a vacation with girl friends. We communicated thru text and phone calls but I only responded if she initiated and was positive. The day she was flying back and waiting in the airport I only answered one of her text that told me she was at the airport etc. I went and did something for me and enjoyed the day. When she returned home she said she looked on the security cameras and notice I wasn’t home all day and I only responded to a few text of hers. Asked where I was and what I was doing all day that I couldn’t text back.
I was caught off guard and tried to explain I was cleaning the boat and enjoying my time alone. She immediately said, “it doesn’t take all day to clean the boat, who did you take on the boat”. I answered “the boat never moved from the slip, and nobody”. I actually wanted to say “why do you care” but didn’t. I actually am starting to see she is interested if I do things without her that we both did together or go for a ride on the motorcycle which she really didn’t like me to do. What am I to take out of this and should I stop doing the things that she really didn’t like me to do like riding the motorcycle? I feel as others write, she is staying in the home as friends and enjoying the combined income and has no intentions repairing or becoming emotional again. Why would she leave if theirs no pressure to be intimate. Need some direction!
Dear Jack,
yes interesting question. A part of her wants to leave and a part wants to stay. Temporarily you have changed the dynamic by getting out and about taking self care. Good call not being cranky and attacking with the “Why do you care” Well done! Because she does care. And that’s an incentive.
Men and women read sexual connection very differently. What’s the story you tell yourself about not having sex? And how does that make you feel?
Remember as we age the physical drive can slow down. It’s up to us to encourage the emotional connection and togetherness – fun that leads to intimacy on a deeper level.
Jack, my thinking is therapy might be a great option to repairing things. Find an IMAGO therapist – are you in the US?
Your relationship is at a new stage, I am guessing you raised children together and most of your energy was channeled there and not into the relationship. Ask your wife how lonely she is in the marriage – just like you are I’d bet. Use those softer and real sharing to begin turning towards each other. It’s clear to me and every other relationship where folk stay there is a strong bond, it’s not merely convenience.
All the best!
Thanks for the insight. We have been to couples therapy when this started in March. All she wanted to do was “beat me up” which was helpful too let it out. After 3 sessions of that, the therapist began the repairing or healing part. She didn’t want any part of that and we stop attending. At that point I started the LRT. And again for the readers, it works if you follow all the points in LRT. I can see there is a big difference from 3 months ago. My challenge, how do I respond (say) when she acts like she is concerned of my whereabouts or seems disturbed if I go out with friends or make plans without her?
Great to hear your advice and experience on the LRT, yes it’s not a pick and pack approach you need ot do it all.
I would be vague and warm. You may be at a point to gently check out where the relationship is up to and go for more therapy. Good luck Jack.
My spouse and I have been together for 10 years, we have 3 children together ages 6,4 and 2. We were both addicts when we started our relationship. I have always stayed with family members and she moved in with me and my grandmother and father. Everything was great in the beginning we eventually moved in with my mother until we could save up money to get our own place. She got pregnant and we moved out right after we had our youngest.
Eventually she was diagnosed with some depression and bipolar disorder. She would take her medication on and off we would have fights and then we would make up. We would say hurtful things and i would resort to asking her if she was taking her medication. I was going through a lot of stress and would turn down sex sometimes. We had gotten to a rock bottom were fighting doing drugs and she cheated on me. (I did not find out about it until a year or so later when she disclosed it to me) Our habits led us to not being able to pay the rent and we had to move back in with my mother and get clean.
She became pregnant again and over time she began to hate our living situation. She would say that she ruined the relationships with her family be with me.
And that they tell her that I’m no good and she always defended me. Right after we had our third child she had an incident where she left the baby in the car at the doctor’s office and CPS got involved they came up with an action plan of her going to stay with her mother back in Florida until everything blew over. (It wasn’t the first incident with CPS. The medication that we are on for our treatment is a derivative of an opiate and the baby was in NICU in the hospital for 30 days for withdrawal.)
Well, she can’t stand her mother and after a couple months she decides to move back in with me at my mother’s house after telling her that things would be different and we will get our own place and I would change.
Everything seemed good on the surface we would still have little arguments here and there but whenever she asked for sex I’d would take her for granted and wasn’t fulfilling her needs.
She eventually got a job and we were supposed to be saving again to try to get our own place. I have never made enough to support 3 children and her with my job alone. Things seem to be good we weren’t fighting as much. A week or so after she started working She stopped taking antidepressants. She started having lunch at work with a co worker about 10 years younger than me. Whenever I asked about it she said they’re just friends she looks at him like she does her brother and he reminds her a lot of her brother who attempted suicide and hasn’t been the same since in her words. At first it didn’t seem like anything to be worried about.
Eventually she started hanging out more and more with him he would come over while I was at work do all the things that I never do be there for her whenever I was not. One night she told me she was at work I used OnStar to track the car went to where she was at and she was sitting on his lap in an alley and I accused her of cheating and fought with the other guy.
Over the next few days we seem to work it out she reassured me that nothing was going on between them and she kept hanging out with him I eventually kept being insecure and jealous. I felt like she never wanted to spend time with me only with him. she would stay out all night at his house and then whenever I would have a day off from work she would sleep all day.
She didn’t sleep in the same bed with me anymore. Our children would ask about him instead of saying hi to me in the morning. Because he would play with them all the time while I was at work.
My mom eventually broke the news that we would be moving to a new state she did not want to leave but she realized We didn’t have a choice because she had nowhere to go and we didn’t have enough money to get our own place and survive. I tried as best I could to be reasonable and trust her not very successfully she told me that I would have her all to myself when we moved she just wanted to hang out with him while she still could. She told me she still felt like her every move was being tracked.
So after we moved her mother started talking to her on the phone again. She explained she thought it was a good idea that the kids go take a vacation for the summer with her mom to give us a break. Her mother drove up from another state to come get the kids for summer vacation. Ever since we got here things have been super distant and she briefly told me she felt like she was depressed. After day in and day out of her trying to avoid me staying up all night to talk on the phone with her ex coworker.
I confronted her about our relationship and the way things have been lately at which point she told me she doesn’t love me anymore. She told me that she is miserable and wants to be happy again. She explained it’s too late and that she should have done what her dad told her to do: “do what she had to do until she was ready to leave and not say anything”. Her mother was coaching her to move in with her and file for abandonment. She told me that her co-worker made her feel wanted again and did all the things she was missing from me. She said she’s tired of me and that I will never change and she’s ready to move out. I begged and pleaded and cried and played the victim. And even told her I loved her before I left for work and got the dreaded “I know”.
It was a slow day at work so I discovered LRT. I expressed to her that no matter what happens I would support her and the children. And that she shouldn’t be forced to be miserable and at least we can work together until she decides to leave.
She said the kids will still come back from vacation and we are getting my oldest registered in first grade today. She wants me to sign over my rights for the children because she plans on going to Florida with her mother and she is afraid to cross state lines without something in writing. She is afraid that I will run off with the kids the first chance I get.
I know I don’t have much time left I explained to her that the court for custody would have to be in the state that we just came from because the child hasn’t resided in the state for 6 months yet.
I am ready to change everything about myself if I have to in order to save my family. In the past when she threatened to leave I never took her seriously enough. I had lost touch with what she meant to me. And took her for granted. I was not seeing warning signs. I feel like I have hit rock bottom on a personal level and I’m willing to do anything to save our relationship and family.
Dear Hurdle,
there’s certainly been a lot of distress in both your lives. Thank you for sharing your pain and plans to grow.
Glad you have found the LRT. It sounds to me as if you relationship was stuck in an early point of development and never had the chance to get to the uppers levels as you guys were dealing with so many issues.
Focus on the best interests of your children. Which is to have two parents working together as a team being friendly. This requires effort.
Reading between the lines there’s not been a lot of security in the relationship. Rise above your fear and you only have upwards to go being at rock bottom take care.
Dear Philipa,
I can’t believe you actually take the time to respond to everybody on here… this may get long and I’m really looking for some good advice from somebody who’s actually qualified to give it.
My husband and I have been together for three years, we have a beautiful little boy who he is such an amazing father to. He has been a really good partner, waking up with the baby letting me sleep in, being really sweet, really listening when I tell him what I need, up until last week he would text me I miss you at work and I love you baby and call me his princess and we’d send inside jokes back and forth. We just got married two weeks ago and our wedding was magical and the weeks following it were too he’d constantly call me wife via text and phone call her always get sad if I would try to get off the phone on my way home for work and say he wants to keep talking to me. He’s always fought like hell for this relationship and we’ve both made some mistakes. I made a big one on Friday. I am flawed, I dealt with significant child abuse when I was little, my mom abandoned me frequently to go to Arizona for months at a time while I stayed with my grandmother and would have all the lights off in our house and refused to get out of bed or make me dinner and would always lock herself in her room doing drugs with this guy I was very jealous of. I ate a lot of cheese it’s and bad boxed food my friend would bring me and I gained weight and was bullied as well. I’ve also witnessed my moms lashing out since I was little, screaming irrational things and telling her boyfriends to leave and expecting them to stay, saying hateful things just because she’s upset and get upset over silly things. They’d yell all hours of the night. I really hate to admit this, but I have a pretty easy time not getting like that with most of my relationships but I have said hateful things just to get what I want or to get my partner to understand how bad I’m feeling in arguments, he’s done the same things. Last week we went to open a joint account for all of our bills, I had been sad all week because I got ill and had gone into a depressive state. My relationship with my mom has been rocky andnone sided and I was just down. I got myself in a good mood got dressed up and wanted to go out to dinner after we opened the joint account, he said something snappy, he works long hours has to be on call at work and I’m sure was tired but it turned into a big fight I ended up crying a lot and being overly dramatic and he was not reacting the way I wanted him to and I said “when you treat me like this it makes me regret some decisions I’ve made” he immediately got out of the car and went to a friends house said he wouldn’t be there that long. That we’d still go to dinner he just needed time. He didn’t come home that night which was totally out of character and I had been too upset to drive home so his mother came and got me, I have a very close relationship with his family and so does our baby. I was very upset and he came home in the morning and said he was sorry that he’d make it up to me, He left again and claimed he forgot his phone at his friends and that’s why he left. We went to dinner that night got tipsy went home and we’re about to have sex and he was so disengaged and I could tell was being distant, I mentioned that I didn’t feel any passion and he became very upset and wouldn’t even say anything when I tried to communicate. He had also expressed to me that his new work friend he’s veen spending so much time with mistreats his girlfriend. Anyway, Monday morning he got up at six am, he usually doesn’t get up until seven thirty and we goof around cuddle get the baby ready and then go to work well he left two hours early claiming to need to get formula and water and gas i called him because I forgot my debit card in his car after the bank and he didn’t answer I called his mom who watches our son and she happened to be there and asked if I needed to talk to him and he said he had to go and when I continued talking he just ignored me and hung up. We had a somewhat normal day Sunday but it seemed like it was getting worse day by day. Monday I addressed his distance he told me he feels like he never sees his friends and I’m always complaining and he doesn’t make me happy and I’ve addressed all of them, offered counseling to which he said maybe but probably not and offered to have a designated guy night every week and told him all the things he does for me that I really appreciate I begged for him to not be so cold and to just communicate with me, cried whatever he had told me a while ago that if I went after him he’d be more likely to come back but he clearly has gotten more distances the more I try to bring it up but he won’t even say for sure he’ll renew our lease which is up in a month won’t tell me he’s going to work on it has just said he’s unhappy, he feels like he can’t make me happy, he doesn’t know what he wants, to give him time and this probably won’t last forever. I asked what he wanted me to do and he said to do what I want. He’s been taking more on call hours and spending more time with friends and has welcomed me spending more time with other people which is unusual for him usualltbhe is very excited to see me after work. I decided to stop insisting we say I love you after we get off the phone, to give him space and time and to not cuddle him at night unless he initiates it even though it makes me wake up periodically feeling very sad and he has turned tobhug me subconsciously but pulls away, I also wrote him a letter and got him this jar with Reese’s pieces that said “dad I love you to pieces” from our son both to which he responded well to. Yesterday I acted like I was happy and cleaned up our apartment and didn’t cuddle him but did give him that jar and this morning when he was leaving for work he was going to walk right out with the car seat but he came back and gave me a hug and kiss and left. He’s been hanging up abruptly on the phone seems irritated with me constantly. So I made plans with a friend to tonight I’ve reached out to counselors and am trying to set something up next week, I decided I’m going with or without him because I don’t want to be sad anymore I don’t don’t want to hurt people I love anymore. I bought some makeup andshaving cream and plan to do Zumba at night and maybe read a book. I wrote a book and published it when I was sixteen and thought about maybe writing a sequel. Regardless I don’t know what to do. He has pulled away like this once before when I said something too hurtful, it was two years ago and we weren’t living together had nobchildrn I responded desperately to him wanting space, I never saw a counselor and moped the whole time and when we went on dates I would act happy and then break down at the end of the night and text him sad about the terms on our “break.” He eventually after three months broke up with me and after seven days of total separation I was just walking into the movie theatre and I got a text from him saying he missed me. I did not respond and he ended up texting me several more times until I agreed to talk in person. We’ve been together with mostly happy times since. I do not want to lose this man, I do not want to be a hurtful person anymore and I want to know if I should stop saying I love you stop with the gestures and actually encourage him to go see his friends, we have a wedding in another city we already booked a room for Saturday, how do I behave then? Should I dance with him? Have sex with him? Or just let him initiate everything. We have had a very good sex life even since the fight we had sex once. I don’t know if I should stop the romantic gestures and should just focus on myself, it’s hard to completely separate because we are partners and take care of our son together and go to his parents a lot. Do I just give him space and only respond pleasantly when he approaches me? I don’t know how much is too much. I just want things to be like they were last week. I’ve tried to explain I didn’t mean I regretted the marriage but he’s said it doesn’t matter I implied it. Sorry this was so long.
Dear Anon,
you need to relax as I can hear your anxiety makes you possibly come across as controlling to your husband. I totally get you have been abandoned as a child and your are not in any way to blame. A part of you sounds like it react to things that feel familiar to your fears in an unhelpful way. Childhood abuse needs real care and counselling ( Resource Therapy/tapping/ EMDR are trauma informed therapies and a specialist who is well experienced) to help all you recover and believe you are truly worth a good man. Have a look too at your attachment patterns. Plus I think some Imago Therapy for you as a couple in the future. You can’t let this crnky part say hurtful things like this – I’ll bet it’s a younger part acting out in this manner.
Now stop over thinking it, be kind, gain security in the fact he married you. Encourage him to his interests and you take up your own too. This may help you be stronger within yourself and shows you are secure in his love for you. Just being you is enough!! Truly he chose you. So be you and be loving. You and every one of us deserves love. Take care and get support.
I’d like to add, he told me the reason he’s acting so cold (asking if I’m just going to cry everyday, etc) is because everytime he breaks down and is vulnerable I see it as an opportunity to tear him apart. Last night he picked up the apartment so I could vacuum while I was gone, I made a big deal about this I didn’t question where he was going have said have fun when he’s said he needs to go somewhere even just to the gas station, I’ve thanked him for calling me to let me know what’s going on and I’ve really tried to acknowledge his efforts. I want to be a happy stable person not only for my son and husband but because I have been sad my whole life and I’m tired of it. It’s true though that when he acts like this I feel anxious all day and don’t really want to be around him. I’m looking forward to my night to myself tonight.
Dear Anon,
It’s great you are recognising your emotional response. Your sadness is telling you something – listen in to yourself more. Read up on attachment patterns in early childhood. This may explain more and get help. Relationship can be healing, he sounds like he’s trying and I loved the way you showed appreciation – keep that up!
i don’t know where to start I’ve been married for 13 yrs this November He is quite a bit younger than i. I’m 49. All through the marriage he was always a bit ‘separate’ it didnt always bother me because i like my time to do things like readabd paint. However he wouldn’t share much with me such as taking a walk together We did go see movies etc. As of the last threemonths i lost two cousins to overdoses and one when to prison and then my brother over dosed but he made it and is seeking treatment. it was a very emotional time. When i returned from another cousins funeral my husband sat down in the chair and said he wanted out that he no longer loves me i said Do you want a divorce and he said Yes. I cried begged etc he said hed try but i was the only one trying He was stonewalling and being mean to me. Two months have gone by He sleeps in another room and barely will speak to me He said he was telling his mother about the upcoming divorce. he moved me far away and i complained about it We dont have much in common but i felt stable and thought Love was enough. I dont know what to do. i can go back to my Dads house but i am part time and broke i cant affors anything I dont want an ugly divorce either. i still love him but he seeems dead set against me thank you
Dear Mari,
Gosh you have been through a lot from your comment, so sorry it’s been a struggle in your family and definitely emotional. Oh dear unfortunately love is not enough. The relationship you describe as distant does not sound satisfying for both of you.
You have settled for stability but at the price of growth and connection possibly. I’d guess both of you felt lonely in this marriage and unless this is addressed after the LRT. Good luck. Use the LRT completely.
Thank you so much for your reply and all you do here to help people.❤️
I appreciate your kind words Mari xx
Hello. I have been married for 5 years. We have always argued alot and spent alot of time apart because of my job. But we have fought constantly. We separated and almost got divorced a few months ago but tried to save it and things were good until we both stopped putting the work in. Recently i was. Gone for a month and she had basically given up. The fighting was terrible. I ruined her birthday. Her medical schooling is stressing her out. Everything adds to it inclding out marriage. She does so much and has felt like I’ve done nothing for her for 5 years and that kinda feels true. She says i cannot change. This last so t few weeks she has started doing her own thing and has said she wasn’t sure if it was worth it. A couple days ago she had said she can’t try anymore that she was done. If course i spiraled out if control and binged and said things to make it 1000 times worse because i was scared. We did some couple’s counseling but stopped going. What do i do?
Dear Richard,
I can hear you are really seeing things from your partners perspective. I think personal counselling may be of use here. What part of you is feeling insecure spiraling out of control and binging? You need to take responsibility here and learn from this. You need to connect with more mature parts of yourself. You are angry and so is she, but what is this anger telling you both? Are you feeling rejected and hurt? Then you need to show this not the cranky part because you are scared. I know it’s not easy.
Hi Philipia. My name is Roy. I’ve been married to my wife for 7 years. So here’s the situation. My wife has trusted me with our finances ever since we got married. I take care of all the bills and she just asks me if we have money or not. So we pretty much live paycheck to paycheck. I got us into credit card debt. About $20k. I asked my sister if she can help me out and she gave me the money to payoff our credit card debt. Well a year goes by, we’re still living paycheck to paycheck and to keep us afloat, we racked up our cards again to $20k. I kept transferring balances to newer cards that had 0% promotions, but we weren’t getting anywhere. Till one day she just had enough and told me that she wanted a divorce because she doesn’t see a future with me anymore. All she sees is debt. So I took immediate action and enrolled all my cards into a program called Freedom Debt Relief. They basically close all your cards and they negotiate with my creditors to lower the balances and come to a settlement. I explained to her that it’s a long process and that our credit will take a hit, but if we follow this program we’ll be debt free in 48 months. As far as paying my sister back, luckily there’s a program that will payoff my student loan and refund me back all the money I’ve put into it since I graduated 10 years ago. I went to ITT Tech and they were part of fraud, so they’re forgiving loans and refunding students what they paid. I should get back $20k by next January and with that I will payoff my sister. So we would just have the debt relief program to worry about. I also told her about a plan to save at least $500 each month. After taking to her about our finances and our plan she told me this is great, but I don’t love you anymore. Even if we’re debt free, i don’t love you anymore. You hurt me so much. I just want out. She said if it wasn’t for our son that she’d pack her bag a long time ago. So I don’t know what to do anymore. I love my wife and I’ve taken action to resolve our financial problems but it seems like it’s too late. Please help. I don’t want our marriage to end over something that we can overcome.
Dear Roy,
good on you for getting on top of this. How have you addressed what lead to this debt crisis? I only ask as a debt spiral can be a signal of emotional issues not to be ignored. Glad you have the LRT to guide you. I can understand you see it as something that can be overcome and the money is not really the issue. You will have to help your wife overcome her hurt and what kind of has been a robbery in the relationship. How did things get up to this level of debt and your wife was not involved? This can feel like a betrayal to your partner. And knowing this you will be aware it takes a great deal of effort and change to recover from. Good luck and get help with this money situation as it can recur in times of stress.
My husband three months ago, sat me down and told me he wanted to separate, and then to divorce. In the three months, I discovered on accident, that he’s been having an affair for six months now with a friend of the family. He’s told me that he has moved on and he is not in love with me anymore. So I’ve been mostly focusing on me and our 18 month old daughter. He’s hot and cold towards me and whenever we begin to talk about things, he blames me almost entirely for the breakdown of our relationship. I have admitted my mistakes sincerely apologized, have listened to him, started making changes on this negative behaviors and have given him just about everything he asks for. Including me leaving the house we lived in (it’s his parents house and they said I could stay but i felt it be best due to his growing frustration). So, we will be officially separated on Monday July 2nd. In which I will be applying this last resort technique. I really hope and pray we can find our way back to each other, but, his continuing his relationship with that other woman (who is also married (separated? Divorced?) with three kids of her own) really gets to me at times and makes me emotional and think negatively about our chances. I still believe that anything is possible, because a part of me does still love him.
Dear Alyssa,
good on you! Yes anything is possible. Take care of yourself and your hurt with regard to the third party. But what ever you do don’t talk about this to your husband. Just keep your emotions on this to yourself and start to live your life again. Enjoy your child. Get back to the you he fell in love with, so self care – Step 2 is key Alyssa. Wishing you all the best and chin up even in the dark times!
Dear Philipa ,
I am a Filipina 40 yrs.of age , married to my 65 yrs.old American guy. My husband is a Neuropsychologist , a good man , not abusive . But like any other couple we’re not perfect , we fight or having an argument almost every week starting with small things and become bigger and bigger . It’s maybe because I am a sensitive person , my feelings easily get hurt . Most of the time we usually end up of idea of divorce . Sometimes he is the one who initiates it and sometimes it’s me . But deep in my heart it’s not what I wanted . But when we’re angry sometimes we cannot control our emotions and just say whatever we wanted to say or do what comes in our mind . But at the end we managed to kiss and make up . It was just 2 weeks ago that we had a fight and I would’nt able to managed my emotions . It’s all started the night till the next day . Because I asked him why he’s ex – wife keep on texting ? He already deleted some of his ex- wife messages because I might read it and he doesn’t what me to see those messages because his ex – wife are saying mean things against me and if I will see that I will get hurt and will react . He said he just wanted to avoid confrontation . But he told me he defended me against his ex – wife and telling I am loving and kind . But once and for all I wanted to depend myself.I shared to my husband the content of the message that I sent to his ex – wife . My husband told me that I should not have said to his ex- wife that she had an attitude or personality problem that’s why no wonder it’s hard for her to earn the respect of her daughter . So I feel she’s depending or favoring his ex-wife rather than me his own wife . But my husband told me NO . That’s not the case. But I refused to believed him . The next morning , my husband went to work , he given me a kissed and said ” I love you ” . I didn’t reply because I’ m still mad . He didn’t texted me the end of his work . I texted him around 5pm to asked him where he is , he didn’t even bother to text me how I am , if I’m still breathing or alive , or if already hang myself. I know he’s mad at me because when he left home for work I did not respond when he kissed me and told me he loves me . I didn’t respond coz I’m still mad . You know it’s not easy for me to be alone all days from Monday to Friday in our apartment , nothing to talk to , don’t know anybody here in U.S, not working for 11 months considering all my life way back home I’m working , can’t go anywhere because I don’t know how to drive . It’s depressing . I just want some attention . That day my husband came home around 6:30 after having a beer with his brother . I was in our bedroom that time and he didn’t even bother to check on me . So I went out,still angry because he didn’t even bother to come to talk to me. I started again asking him with the arguments that we had the other night , I kept on insisting that he’s not depending me on his ex – wife . When my husband said that the next day he will go to California with his brother ,I asked him how about me she will not bring me ? He will leave me alone at the apartment ? He said,why he will bring me ? My anger burst out and told him you will regret this ! And he responded he will not regret it . I wasn’t able to control my anger , I got her belt , put it on my neck ,and get a chair and standing on that chair in front him . I am holding the belt with my other hand and attached to the ceiling fan but didn’t tie it on the fan coz back of my mind saying if will tie it on fan once I kicked the chair it will pulled down and I could no longer breath .And my husband just looking at me , saying I am funny. That is my decision . So I become more angry because instead of comforting me , he said things like that . So when u kicked the chair I’ve fallen down and I got bruise on my arm . I know what I’ ve done was such an stupid things and I regret that . Everyday I repent and asking forgiveness from the Lord . I wish I never than that . I knew I hurt my husband . After one week , my husband started to be distant and cold with me and not talking much. It was yesterday, when I received a paper . When I opened the envelope it broke my heart . I don’t know what to do but to cry . He filed an annulment against . I spoke to him , that I wanted to save our marriage , our relationship. And i am committing myself that I will change . I want to become a better person . But he is firm in his decision . I do love my husband and I am working very hard to earn his trust again . I am getting all my strength from the Lord right now ,not losing my hope ,keep on praying, and believing that Lord will restore, and save our marriage . Am starting rebuilding myself and I want to prove to my husband that I am capable of changing . Is there still any hope or chances that’s my husband’s mind will change and withdraw the annulment that he filed ? The court given me 20 days to respond to the case that my husband filed .
Please , I need help . I don’t know what to do . I don’t want to give up on my husband . I want to save our marriage .
Dear Rowee,
those argument cycles where threats are made for divorce are not the best way to go. I hear you are angry, anxious and depressed. You have to live the changes rather than saying them. Apply the LRT is I think your best bet and if there is a turnaround you guys must seek therapy. Get to the library, get out and help a neighbour, go to your church and volunteer. Keep the faith and pray for the best outcome for you both. Keep rebuilding yourself – you are important and totally worth it – I truly believe in you. Wishing you all the best.
Hello,
I am going through a very difficult situation right now. For background, I am 31 and my husband is 37, we have been married for 18 months, separated for 2 years, and together for 6 years.
We got married about 4 years ago and we’ve been plagued with problems ever since. We had a tough time with our living situation. He was unhappy with the small apartment we were living in so I suggested we get a new apartment and he can even pick it out. He never took initiative for us to look for an apartment. Instead, he would often go home to his parents place about an hour away and stay there overnight, and even some times weeks at a time without contacting me. We had problems with living together, like I was messy and he wasn’t. Also, during our marriage, he spent most of his time playing video games and I often felt abandoned and neglected.
I eventually got fed up with this “so called marriage” and left the apartment, got myself a new place to live in, and didn’t tell. When he discovered what happened, he was upset and according to him he suggested we get a place together (I don’t remember this happening). I was upset with him but we would still occassionaly see each other. Eventually, I got frustrated that it didn’t seem like our marriage was going anywhere as he never made an honest effort in making it clear he wants us to get a place together and live together so I filed for divorce.
After filing, he responded rather quickly with a reply from his divorce lawyer about continuing with the divorce. After this, I actually was still seeing him and he continued to say he doesn’t want a divorce. I kept talking to him about getting a place to live together but he would often say he doesn’t want to talk about it now. Eventually, we looked at an apartment together but we didn’t sign and I didn’t really think he was too serious about it.
After this, I went alone to a trip to Barcelona and actually cheated on him there with another person. When I came back from my trip, he found out about it and was understandably very upset. I didn’t know whether he wanted to be with me so I gave him some time to think about it and he said he does want to be with me. At this time, when I came back from my trip, I actually had mental health issues and got kicked out of where I was living and he was generous enough to let me come and live with him (he was living at home with his parents). I stayed there for a few months but felt a disconnect with him and started talking to my sister about our issues. She suggested I leave him and go back home to stay with my parents (about 5 hours away) and work on rebuilding a new life. I NEVER considered leaving him for an instant, but I think with my poor mental state and emotional state I was in, I left him.
When he discovered I had left him, he called and asked me to come back and I told him I would on the condition that he would get a place for us to live. To my surprise, he agreed to get us a place to live. The following day, I called him up and out of fear that we would still argue over the cheating that happened, I told him it probably wasn’t a good idea to live together. He said he wants us to live together and asked me to go back to him. I kept telling him no.
After a couple weeks, he stopped asking me to go back and eventually he stopped calling me. I called him up and for the first time ever, he said he wants a divorce. I’ll admit I was upset hearing this but I didn’t initially oppose it. I was soon sent a follow up letter in the mail from his new divorce lawyer asking about following through with the divorce. I didn’t respond to the papers and just told him I’m working on getting a lawer to just stale the situation. I realized I made a MASSIVE mistake. I realized I should have never taken my sister’s advice to leave in the first place and knew I didn’t want to let him go. So I did the usual crying, pleading, begging, saying I’ll change, I love you, and he did not change his mind on divorcing me.
Finally, last week was his birthday so I bought him a present and drove 5 hours up to see him and surprise him. Based on his texts and conversations with me, I was mostly sure he would just yell at me to go away but he actually took me in his arms and we went to go have dinner together. He also said about staying over and gave the option of getting a hotel together or staying with him at his parents place. We stayed the night at his parents and then the next day before heading back home I suggested I want to take him to dinner. He said no at first, but then agreed. We had dinner and then as I was driving to take him home before I left to go make the 5 hour drive home, I pulled to the side of the rode and started talking to him. Before I could say anything, he said he doesn’t want to be together. I told him I’m not going to ask him to be with me, but I told him how I saw I was wrong and hurt him so much. I tried to not cry, but I cried and eventually started asking him to be with me. He was not emotional at all and he said he doesn’t want to be with me because he thinks I’m bad for him.
I dropped him off and called him when I got home and he said he’d call me the next day. I tried the LRT and tried to pretend like I’m doing better. I told him I have 2 job offers, one close to him and one close to me where I’m living with my parents currently and I need to decide about where to live.
At this point, I am torn. He said very matter of factly that he is completely done with this marriage and wants it to be over. Yet, I would still like to believe there is a chance with us together. My dilemna right now is I don’t know which job offer to take. I’d like to take the job close to him, but he lives in the San Francisco Bay Area and it would be so expensive to live up there. I also worry that if I were to go up there, and he still didn’t want to be together, it would be even harder for me to get over him if I am in close proximity to him since I’ll want to see him. He says on the phone sometimes he would like to see me, but he still is certain he wants a divorce.
I want to do what is best for me. I don’t know whether to just accept what he is saying and move on, or move back to be close to him to give it one last fighting chance. Please help.
Dear Christine,
I want you to take more responsibility for you.
You can’t change him. I think you did a good thing being closer to your sister.
You say one thing and do another – this is very confusing. I am glad you are with family getting support and good luck for the job. This will give you and your relationship the best chance, whatever the outcome.
Well I must say after reading this , you nailed me to a tee.I am 43 and she is 41 on March 2018 My wife of 9 years wants(ed) a divorce, we are currently separated since then, but live in the same she says it is because I have no medical, and because my business went bankrupt I can’t support myself so she “has a soul” her words . She has also said she does love me but not the love I want. We have 3 children 2 are her’s 15 & 16 (but I love as mine) and 1 is mine who is out of the house in the coast guard (22) Which she loves and he loves her more than anything in the world. We still live in the same house, sleep in the same bed, go out to movies,dinner, attend church.do things as a family pokemon hunting.She as of writing this today told me in 2 weeks we are having a family outing with her friend to a water park, she still wears her rings ,but not all the time because of work and when she comes home she changes for bed and never wears them to bed,nothing has really changed in our household except how she acts towards me . No one knows we are separated, so she tells me but i am sure her parents do, mine do not. the kids don’t know and now the kids and I are getting closer than we have ever been and they tell her they like the new dad, but she does continue to stay I can’t fix this probably because i am still chasing. Everything you mentioned not to do ( the stop chasing) I have been doing (chasing)to the letter . But the things I have done wrong and lost the person she loved , on my own I have made a 360 turn around and I am still continuing to do so. The kids notice a change , my wife notices a change but I still did the chasing. She doesn’t talk to me much anymore and is now giving all her attention to a work colleague from Oklahoma who is 28 (she believes he is gay,, said this way over a year ago and continued to , I know i can trust her i was the issue) but it still bothers me , we live in Alabama. She is a devoted god loving woman and unconditionally faithful , I just can’t shake the feeling of this guy and her texting him all the time even when next to me. but she has said they are just friends and nothing will come of it (alot is the age and distance seeing he is almost our oldest sons age). She has been going to a personal trainer and feeling better about her self. I feel I can still save this marriage , but not unless I do what your last resort steps say. I am seeing a therapist on the 12th of this month , but I am just so lost on mixed messages if there is even mixed messages!
Dear Frank, good on you for finding and now doing the LRT.
Good on you for getting therapy too !
While I can understand your concerns about the other guy, I think they are real. You have to have more faith in yourself here. As when you ask about him you make her focus on him and how he is less pressuring and probably doing a lot of listening. These are the things you need to offer more of and I can hear you are. It may take some time – so do apply step 3 patience in your wait.
Just know the mixed messages are a conflict your wife will be having inside, which is normal, so don’t read much into any message. All the best
Philipa,
Thank you for the response on this, I am a little confused on your part with they are real? Do you mean the feelings she is getting for this other guy? We talked some yesterday and she even was showing me and explaining the texts as just friends. I truly believe it is friends and she has very christian values and views and is a smart woman. She is a microbiologist with the Government, so stupidity isn’t really in her nature.A few of my friends and their wives have said they went through a wall.mid life thing such as this around 41 also, wondering if this is the best thing in their life (the marriage) and they said same as i believe you just did . That this is a phase and I didn’t look outside my blinders when tried fixing this previously , when I thought i fixed it i just got comfy and reverted back. That isn’t me anymore. I have stopped saying I love you to her since Monday since you stated she already knows that, have cut down on messaging or call her just to do so. Saturday she is going away for business again (no he isn’t going to be there) I am not going to text or call her while she is gone for 5 days, unless is dire . I feel I should let her reach out to me while she is away from me. Lastly since this is getting long, She does give me a good morning and good night kiss every day , and one thing I didn’t see you mentioned in steps , I call her baby to get her attention instead of her name or after texts (which she has always loved being called) it doesn’t seem to bother her . Should I continue that ,and yes I will apply step 3 more.
Sorry forgot to mention, she does truly believe he is gay because she says her best friend Steve from Pennsylvania (who is gay) acts just like Daniel (plus he prefers Daniel not Dan). I have never known my wife to lie to me and when she does , she is HORRIBLE at it.
Dear Frank,
sorry I think I meant to say the feelings of closeness will be real. You can get really attached emotionally to someone you share your time with.
What you need to get back to is allowing her to feel safe in turning towards you and sharing more of herself with you – not necessarily the LRT. I like the term of affection if she does go for it, if this changes so then do you. The LRT is about being warm and friendly 🙂 Good work Frank! That’s my Dads name too.
Hi there, My partner and I have split up recently. For us I wonder if it’s too late we have had so many downs and toxic parts on both sides happen but this year was the icing I told him of 3 instances where I wanted to sleep with other guys I broke his heart. I made him feel not good enough not loved and that breaks my heart. I have hit that last resort stage and I keep pushing so hard to fight for him. I know that if he let’s me and we work on us things would be incredible we would be solid. We have been together 10 years hes afraid of he enters a relationship again with me he will loose his sanity and so hes determined he will not re enter the relationship. I have kids he has raised for 10 years and hes around a fair bit and he has been giving me mixed signals like apart of him wants to give us ago then apart doesn’t. We have been casually having sex but he doesn’t want to hurt me so we have stopped that. Is there hope or am I clutching on for dear life will therapy work for us?
He has said he will go to therapy to help me move on.
Dear Bo-Dean,
I think therapy is vital. What on earth possessed you to share those sort of thoughts if there was no threat to the relationship? Sweetie you need to work on those parts there. You guys are enmeshed in an unhealthy way so therapy can help you gain yourselves back. This has to happened before any relationship rekindling. I would respectfully suggest your partner has had a long term relationship with your children as a caring adult and I believe this if healthy would be good to continue. You love someone and sometimes it doesn’t work out, however a new relationship as friends can emerge. All the best and keep going to therapy, don’t bail on yourself.
My husband and I have been married for 17 years, together for over 20. We met in college and have always had a wonderful, strong connection. We have a 10 year old. Three years ago we decided to make a sacrifice and he moved away for work, visiting on weekends. We both thought our love was so strong we could withstand this distance. My husband wanted me to uproot my son and move away with him but I chose to stay as I didn’t want to uproot our son from our family, our home and everything he has come to know. Unfortunately, over the past 3 years, our marriage has suffered terribly. My husband has told me numerous times he is unhappy. The last time he said this, I suggested a separation. It has been a month, he still comes home on weekends, sleeps in my bed, we spend every waking moment together with our son however, there is no intimacy. He is firmly set that we are separated. While he is gone, there is little to no communication between us unless initiated by me. I have asked about an affair and he assures me there is no one else, that this would be easier if there was someone else involved. I love my husband and I love our family. How do I fix this? I feel that I may have made the wrong decision by not moving away with him but now that is no longer an option. Any advice you can offer will be greatly appreciated.
Dear Broken heart,
sorry to hear you have regrets about the choices made in your marriage. We can’t change the past but you may see a pattern in your partnership that needs addressing in the future if the relationship matures to the next level.
You were the one who suggested separation, this was a tad reactionary – how angry are you with him? With yourself?
I believe you and your husband about the affair. This marriage is suffering from a case of neglect due to distance with complications. I would seek therapy for co-parenting as a foot in the door. Review your behaviour and make changes. Go slowly here and apply the LRT as guide. I had a funny thought – imagine if your husband wrote in to me here describing your relationship and wanting advice? He may be feeling really lost as are you. so be kind to all concerned. Best of luck.
Dear Philipa,
I’ve been with my husband for a year and things are already Rocky. I hurt his feelings and I feel like because of that he started acting different towards me. He’s a completely different person but I still see glimpses of him when we talk. He keeps me at arm’s length. We’re currently living in different states because of his job. My question to you is, he tells me he doesn’t love me or want me but I found a way into going back home with him. Should I go ? He says nothing will change but should I try ?
Dear Ariel,
my question to you is why would you do that? I believe him and respect him for his honesty, so why aren’t you?
Sorry that may come across as harsh but you need to see the reality here. Sadly there has been a hurt in your relationship that has not been repaired. Your job Ariel is to look into yourself and learn from this relationship. So stop trying to manipulate the situation it won’t work out in the long term, I think you are in touch with this awareness. You take responsibility for you only. It’s up to you. Use the LRT to move forward in your life.
I’m going to give this a try! My husband and I have been married almost 15 years. He is not an affectionate person and over the last 8 or so years we have argued about our intimacy and just plain lack of affection. I finally thought that was the way it was going to be so I accepted it. I thought our marriage was fine and that I just needed to accept the way he was. He is 49 years old and decided to have an affair with a 19 year old. When I found out, they both said they would stop but that never happened. I found pictures, texts, phone calls that were appalling to me. They secretly met and saw each other when I thought he had NO TIME. We have been trying to figure this out for almost a year now. He claims they are no longer in a relationship, however, despite what I think, they are still in contact. I have tried everything from losing weight, growing my hair out, going to counseling, exercising, begging, pleading, threatening. Nothing worked!! This is literally my last resort. I am terrified by backing off I am going to once and for all lose him. I don’t think I have a choice and I am tired of feeling hopeless and I am tired of putting my life on hold hoping he would “see the light”.
How do I know if this is going to work? I am terrified!!
Hopeless
Dear Hopeless,
I get that’s where you are at.
Great to hear you are no longer putting your life on hold hoping he will see the light. You are so right we can’t make anyone see the light. Too often the ways we have gone about this in the past may be with criticism, whining and manipulation. Hardly the way to get someone to turn towards us right? But we feel powerless we start acting against our own best interests.
Deal with your fearful part with love and compassion, don’t let it control the show. As these parts come across as anxious and controlling. Find your inner security.
You don’t know this is going to work. You do know what you have been doing certainly hasn’t worked. So apply the LRT full tilt and be curious as to what is possible. I am hopeful whatever the outcome.
Dear Philipa,
Married 16 years this July 27th.
After asking abruptly, asking fo for a divorce 6 weeks ago, I wrote a letter that I believed honestly described every year of marriage. This letter was not honest because I took no blame for our marriage. I have realized that I took no blame for the issues in our marriage.
My husband asked to hive him chance to show he can change (another wrong on my part) and then a week after me giving him a 30 day review (that highlighted what he wasn’t doing again) he says he agrees that we should get divorced.
It took a non bias “mom/friend” to highlight my contribution and how wrong I’ve been for not giving simple human kindness of touch (hug, kiss, etc). She realized that I didn’t want to get divorced. I sent a text stating as much 2 days ago. I asked him was it too late and he said yes. I still feel (figuratively and literally) the stab of those words into my heart. And the anguish and hurt of my coldness towards a man who did not deserve that at all. I have been pursuit mode (1 letter and gift basket), cooked dinner, awkwardly first to hug, kiss and say I love you to just an ok or silent response.
After reading your message, I see that pursuing can lead to the divorce moving forward. I have lived in the past for so long something I said to him 2 days ago. I feel reborn because I’m enlightened about working on me and not him. I desperately ache to show him the “new” me. But, I know that I can’t change him that I can only change me, which is what I’m doing by living in the moment always.
We haven’t sat down to discuss how we can amicably divorce. I am diligently working at being patient in everything I do. I’ve also living in the moment, checking my emotions, trying to exude warmth/joy, and refusing to stay in the past.
Welcome your feedback.
Dear KS,
that’s the spirit! Well done for listening to wise counsel. I am so glad you are open to learning about yourself. No one is inspired by criticism and blame.I want you to change those words blame and fault to accountability and responsibility – this gives you more power and I hope encouragement.
Love your statement “I feel reborn because I’m enlightened about working on me and not him.” You can’t show him the new you, it’s time and continuing on in this way which will offer you the best option. Telling someone you have changed and how good you are doing is really the worst thing anyone can do and defeats your good work. It is by showing yourself in your kind words, deeds and life this becomes evident. And you are so true in these words “But, I know that I can’t change him that I can only change me, which is what I’m doing by living in the moment always.”
Yes and amicably discussing things especially divorce will be a true opportunity to demonstrate your shifts in behaviour. Good job and keep it up!
So mine story is a lot, let jump right into it. Me and my husband have been together for 9 years married for 6. In the bieginning we was falling short on money so that took a toll on him to get multiple jobs and take care of the family especially since I was not having a lot of luck with keeping a job. I tried my best to hold up my end because I seen that it was taking a toll on him mentally and physically. Jump forward on 2016 we re-located to Texas where I have no family just him. Well it still kept the same routine with me not having much of luck becuase since being here I had 2 kids by him which makes 3 for me. But he landed a good job and I was still not having the best of luck with keeping one . Well he went on deployment and had an affair while he was away. But for ge family and us we worked past it and kept communicating with each other and was waiting for his arrival to come to come back and start over fresh. Well here we are 2 weeks before he get home and out the the blue he hits me with the whole he not happy and he feel like he have to much in the beginning of our relationship which basically drained him, he feels like we just here and that he basically turned into a robot and was just going with the flow. I begged and pleaded and even mentioned that we can go marriage counseling but he was not going for nothing that I was throwing out and basically said he want a divorce. I did make the mistake with lashing out on Facebook and changed my marrital status to single. Now I feel horrible and just feel like it is really over and he not even back yet (it has been a whole year since he been gone on deployment) now we are at the point where we don’t talk at all and when we do it’s about him moving out and how he still going to take care of the kids but as for us he is done and he needs to put hisself first for once. I am mentally drained with thinking we can work and all out of options for I am not ready to end my marriage but at this point I have no choice and basically being force to. What should I do? Is it really over? Should I just give him his space and just wait till he get back to see how it is going to turn out? I’m just confused and very hurt.
Dear J,
I did not use your full christian name for your privacy.
Stop focussing on trying to work out all the options. You simply can’t. Yes give him space and wait until he gets back. No more acting out. Use your hurt and confusion to get clarity with the LRT. Steps 1 and 2 are super crucial for you right now. If your partner is on deployment perhaps you can get access to good counselling ? Just a thought. Take care J.
Hi, I’ve been married for 5 and half years now with my wife which I thought has been a pretty fun and fruitful marriage. I have always supported my wife in the things she needs or issues shes faced against my mother for example. I admit I have made many mistakes in the past throughout our marriage, one of them being we have lived with my parents for the past 5 years, because I have always been scared I would not be able to afford our own place. Another mistake I made was whenever I would get really stressed I would just go out and want to chill with my friends, and would neglect her and not give her attention. Furthermore, we had tried for a kid through various treatments and these were not working and apparently I wasn’t supporting her through this process (which I thought I was). I made mistakes and I have owned up to them with her. But I have also changed a lot for the better since our first day of marriage, but it seems as everyday goes by she has changed for the worse and grown in animosity towards me. She is engulfed in negative emotions towards and says there hasn’t been a time at all where she has been happy in a marriage, and I can’t help to think that this is true at all. She says she doesn’t have the capacity to be with me anymore, and care for me anymore (even though most of this time it has been me caring for her). In the past couple of weeks I have tried every possible action to adress the wrongs I may have done towards her, but according to her none of this has helped improve her attitude or emotions towards me. I feel she is in dark place and depressed and that is the reason she reacts the way she is, she says I need to let her go and live alone by herself, as that is where she sees happiness. But I am not willing to give up on this relationship as there are many times I felt we have been happy and enjoyed and had deep connections. If there any advice you can give it would be amazing!
Dear MU,
While she may be depressed this has not happened overnight. You guys have lost connection. To be frank Mu you sound like you need to do some emotional growing up. This means letting her go at this point in time.
It sounds like you would be well placed to establish your independence now by moving into your own place. You need to discover what lead you to not turn toward her. She is really hurt so you have to honour her negative emotions with validation, apology, ownership of the problem and empathy. No defense or justification. The more you acknowledge and take account the more likely there will be a turn around. You also have to let her come to you. Good luck!