Welcome back to the Marriage Works Monthly Challenge Series. This is really a call to action to encourage share your positive parts to the world. This is for you no matter what your relationship status.
This month as we start to unfurl from lockdown’s, COVID 19 restrictions I ask you to share your kindness.
For some of us, this will be anxiety-provoking, possibly overwhelm, for others of us it may be a relief.
Whatever your reaction is, know it is all within the normal range to an abnormal situation.
Our partners can have their unique reactions to this so please be mindful and generous to their experiences.
So please share kindness. ?
I am a kiwi at home in Sydney (New Zealander for those who don’t know the euphemism). Being from a small town Thames it’s natural to say Hi and smile at folks when we are out and about. This can be such a goodwill gesture and often rewarded in kind.
Start with small.
Sometimes we have the opportunity to do more. I have had a friend who unexpectedly ended up in hospital. She called and I was able to get her clothes, supplies, feed her cat Izzy and support her. She is out now of danger and things are improving thank goodness.
Here’s the YouTube Marriage Works Channel video on Sharing kindness ? Hear how I responded when a lady got anxious and told me off at the mall.
Welcome to the March 2020 monthly relationship inspiration from Marriage works.
I’ve come straight from Yoga. Where my teacher got us to close our eyes and see what you don’t see, with your body, your mind and the people around you.
I loved this. Super hard in warrior three, standing in a t shape balancing on one leg. Wobbly!
It’s easy to miss what we see every day as we share our lives with our partners.
Familiarity cheats us. We get ever so slightly lazy in our thinking. Our mind leaps to the past, assumptions quickly jump in.
So I am asking you this month, in all your relationships to “See what you don’t see and hear what you don’t hear”.
Stay curious.
One vital tool Chris my husband and I use in our couple coaching is the Imago couple dialogue’s mirroring.
Mirroring is where we reflect back our partners sentences and tone, to ensure acknowledgement and validation.
It’s pretty much saying repeating our partners words back to them, with the same energy. It’s magical being acknowledged this way.
When your partner does this for you it’s super supportive.
Use this mirroring tool. Perhaps staying with the most important words.
When we mirror our partners responses we will feel really attuned and in stride with each other like these beautiful horses
Chris and also found this couples quiz. We had great fun last night.
Good news we know each other well. I still learnt something new.
You answer the questions and see how it fits.
I chose at random one of the cards to read out on : Marriage Works YouTube Channel
Listen if you want my answers. Here are the questions as promised in the video:
“How well do you know each other?”
Which celebrity does your partner think they most look like?
Who tells the best jokes?
Who takes longer to get ready?
What is your partners favorite band of all time? I got this wrong it’s not Led Zeppelin! https://youtu.be/NrBNOe15_qQ
Does your partner prefer cats or dogs?
Love to hear how you found this cute quiz. Please share your answers to encourage us!
Please Visit us https://MarriageWorks.com.au for Relationship Coaching, Saving Your Marriage From Divorce – The Last Resort Technique, Healing Your Heart for Partnership and loads more advice and information.
Chris, my spouse is my standard for love and kind treatment. He is my lauchpad for care and respect.
In my rooms I see couples, lone partners and singles all striving for love.
Many times there’s a struggle to find self worth, value and a belief in ourselves as deserving of a loving happy relationship.
Things go off into the ditch.
This is when our negative patterns show up in partnerships.
We use the idea of a maximiser – the one who demands and speaks up. They are like the hailstorm and pour down harder to be heard.
Hailstorm Thunder of words can be overwhelming. This is a maximiser trait.
On the flip side is the minimiser. Their pattern is withdrawal. We call these guys the Turtle. They pull back into their shells protectively.
The turtle or tortoise withdraws to protect and minimise, usually invoking more thunder and hail from the maximiser!
Whey I say this to couples they nod knowingly. They usually know whether they are a turtle or a hailstorm in their partnership.
I saw John Aiken pointing out this very dynamic on Married At First Sight. Boy what a hothouse for explosivity. Makes for TV ratings. I love that we are talking about relationships.
This dynamic becomes problematic when it goes off road in the ditch.
When harsh words are said against ones character, foul language and escalation happen.
We can quickly go to the danger zone.
While time outs are a useful tool and necessary tool. It’s vital we learn newer, safer, supportive ways of connecting and communicating.
Danger zone, the frontal lobe is off line. We come from our reptilian brain. Attack and defend naturally occurs as our biology kicks in.
That’s why I coach couples dialogue in my sessions. So your can find a part to help you get your needs met.
You get real world skills to apply in your relationship when the sparks fly.
If a partner comes alone, I always will extend an invitation to attend. Some come, some don’t. Sometimes it’s a new beginning or the next stage in their partnership.
One gentleman I saw for 10-12 sessions solo, by the end of our work they were happily engaged. Gorgeous pictures of roses, rings and romance. Ah love my work!
Occasionally my radar goes up where I hear contempt and threats. I gently query how the person feels on the end of this – this is the marker and what if any repair happens.
When there are excuses, blame and no accountability, I get concerned.
While I totally believe people can change. The proviso is they must want the change for themselves.
It’s usually then I point to a picture of us on our wedding day and say this is Chris. He would never say $%$^ to me. I have haven’t ever heard him use foul language apart from the rare stubbed toe expletive.
Chris wouldn’t ever say or treat me in that way. I trust him to support me and have my back. While we may not agree on everything, it’s all up for negotiation.
No he’s not an angel but he is good, kind and acts with restraint. Guess who’s the turtle here!
Respect is a cornerstone in a healthy relationship and it’s important we restore it quickly when it’s lost. No one’s perfect!
You are welcome to use Chris as a baseline too!
Ask yourself if there is a person or partnership you admire. Would they act that way, or say that ?
Perhaps we can require more of ourselves and our partners as we learn and grow together. Go gently and live fully. Yours in gratitude Philipa xox
I was watching Mel Robbins (Thank you Mel, you are awesome in your practical real world advice) and she asked, no she DARED the audience to send a text to someone they care about, family, their partner, friend, a significant person who’s important to you.
Here’s what she said to text – ” What can I do to to be a better partner or friend to you?”
I dare you to send that text right now.
Send this text to reconnect your love
See what comes back – love to hear what you get back please drop a comment in the box below.
Mel and myself ask to to show you that the person you choose to send it to is the safest person on the planet to get feedback on. How special is that!
Safety helps you reset your mind
Notice what comes up for you in doing this exercise. Is a part of you critical? Perhaps you hear a voice saying that’s silly. This is likely our fearful part coming on line.
It’s taking a risk and we resist risk taking.
So our relationships stay shallow. We feel disconnected.
Break out and take a risk. Safety is key in connections and we get there by being vulnerable, kind and respectful.
So please send the text and let us know your responses and how it feels both sending and receiving. Drop a line in the comments section below. Share with others. Thanks Philipa
As the new year begins, I thought it might be nice to highlight some of the best, most well received articles from the past year.
I have gone through the archives and found articles that gained positive feedback or were particularity powerful and interesting. Hopefully you’ll find a few old favourites here and come across something new to inspire you!
Are you getting the Love you Want? Check out the cheats guide to skipping therapy with a couples retreat to fast track your relationship repair here https://marriageworks.com.au/2019/07/getting-the-love-you-want-couples-workshop/
Apologies a day late! The other night was Halloween, Chris and I saw lots of cherubs dressed up as monsters with bags for trick or treating. I think it’s fun. We are influenced by other cultures and it’s nice to adopt some of the playfulness of other countries. So this month I turn to America for the tradition of Thanks Giving. This day is November 25th. Years ago I spent Thanks Giving at an American friends place with their family. We had a lovely meal and each went around the table saying what we were thankful for. It felt so good, deep heartwarming joy! Sorry to my my US readers, not a fan of pumpkin pie.
As we know what we focus on we get more of – the psychological law of attraction, the theory of ironic process from the research of Daniel Wegner for those who like the academic information – https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8121959.
For me, I truly want more of the positive in my life and for my loved ones. Sharing thankfulness and acknowledgement multiplies joy. As super guru Oprah Winfrey and other successful people attest gratitude is powerful.
He brings a smile with his joy at being in the world
So this month I invite you to share your appreciation, acknowledge your gratitude and express thanks to your spouse, your friends, even a stranger in word and deed. Take action and make November your month of Thanks. Love to hear how you went and what you experienced sharing your gratitude around.
Marriage Works on YouTube
Thanks for watching, please share on social media, email to others who may benefit from this information.
Yours in Gratitude Phillipa
With all the information you need know
Hi every one a brief note to welcome you to the month of September. And our friendly challenge here at Marriage Works for your relationship entrancement.
In Sydney is in a change of season. Buds emerge to the warmer rain, green shoots appear on our trees. The hibernation is over, it is time to bloom.
As spring is all about rejuvenation and replenishing I am asking you how you can take this attitude out into your world and beyond.
How can you refresh your relationships? Be it at home, with your lover, your friends, family, work colleagues. Even the grocery store clerk.
Smile and shine. Here is my Marriage Works YouTube Channel monthly encouragement. Thanks for reading and watching! Blessings to you all. Vivaldi playing in the background for the sounds of spring if you have it xx
Warren Buffet – is esteemed in the US and beyond. He’s made a motza on the share market and in business through canny deals. Yet he’s still living in a modest house with his wife of many years. Mr Buffet has earned wisdom and gravitas in his 80 odd years on the planet and in the Share Market.
On an interview Tom Popomarinos ( a big deal in commerce and industry in Baltimore) wrote in CNBC.com “Warren Buffet…This is what ‘sets apart a big winner from the rest of the pack.’ And I want share here those insights.
Wisdom though earned experience
Tom’s summary :
“The big takeaway here is that if you want to be the person who is successful, who everyone wants to hire, you need to build habits of integrity.
There are a handful of ways to do that:
Fulfill your promises
Be honest
Be trustworthy
Give credit where credit is due
Be mindful and emotionally intuitive
Manifest humility
Be willing to admit you’re wrong
Offer help when it’s needed
Treat others with respect
Be charitable
Be patient
Intelligence and ambition are valuable traits, but even so, a lack of integrity won’t make you stand apart from the others — nor will it get you hired, at least not by Buffett.”
The above traits will make you a decent partner.
What turns people off
When you don’t keep your word. Make promises and fail to follow up. You give excuses or justifications for why. Yes, buts.. are a classic sign.
Live with integrity be good the whole way through
You act for yourself. You are inconsistent and unreliable. You talk big and act small. You are mean spirited unkind. Criticism. Anger. Attack the person, not the problem. Brag. You get the picture here.
I thought Warren’s advice applies equally to relationships. Wisdom trumps.
Wisdom though earned experience elephant-2992767_1920 tic-tac-toe-1777859_1920
What the Habits of Relationship Winner with Integrity Looks like:
Follow Through
Live in Truth
Show Appreciation to your Mate
Be humble
Stay Grounded
Show Emotional Maturity
Be accountable
Take Ownership of your part
Slow down
Live Respectfully
Have Faith and Charity
Be Helpful
I imagine you would be a ‘winner’ in the partnership stakes and in high demand. Your team – your spouse, your children would be seeing you as a leader and a valuable asset to turn to.
Hello all welcome to July ! I hope your June for Joy went well. Please let me know what inspired you. This month we are focusing on supporting you and your relationship.
As we are in winter it is easy to get S>A>D. SAD is a real condition called Seasonal Affective Disorder. Yes the weather can affect our moods. Of course it’s pretty normal to slow down in winter, however if you are feeling really, really bleak it might be a touch of SAD.
SAD has the same symptoms as depression – hopelessness, low in energy, irritable, slowed cognition, feeling weighted down, turning to carbs for that fix, wanting to sleep more than usual and large weight changes.
Sunlight is a natural cure for S.A.D – get some today if you can!
The theory is low levels of sunlight are not getting through to our hypothalamus. We need sunlight for our sleep wake cycle which relies on the hormone melatonin. Getting out into the sun is how this happens. So go out in the day and get your vitamin D for free!
