Good communication is the heartbeat of any healthy relationship. Yet, many couples find themselves stuck in cycles of misunderstanding, conflict, or emotional disconnection, sadly.
This is where Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT) can be a game changer.
By teaching practical, science-backed tools, IRT helps couples build understanding, empathy, and a deeper connection with one another.
Let’s explore how IRT transforms communication and offer a few tips you can apply right now in your relationship—no therapy session required!
How Imago Relationship Therapy Works
At its core, IRT is about fostering empathy and connection by understanding your partner’s inner world. The therapy was developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, who discovered through their partnership many of our conflicts in relationships stem from unmet childhood needs. This fits it with Attachment research. IRT helps couples move from blame and reactivity to a place of mutual understanding and care.
One of the hallmark tools of IRT is the Imago Dialogue—a structured conversation that promotes active listening, validation, and empathy. It empowers partners to truly hear each other, free from judgment, and communicate with intention and respect.
Why Communication Matters
Couples who communicate effectively are better equipped to navigate life’s challenges, resolve conflicts, and sustain emotional intimacy.
IRT improves communication by:
Teaching you to listen actively without interrupting.
Helping you validate your partner’s feelings, even if you don’t fully agree.
Encouraging empathy by asking, “What’s it like to be you?”
By addressing the root causes of misunderstandings, couples can foster a safe and loving environment where both partners feel seen and valued.
Tips to Use Imago Power Tools in Your Partnership
Even without attending therapy, you can integrate some of IRT’s powerful techniques into your relationship today.
The Power of Mirroring When your partner speaks, repeat back what you hear before responding. For example, “What I hear you saying is…” This simple act ensures your partner feels understood and can clear up any miscommunication.
Practice Validation After mirroring, acknowledge your partner’s perspective with a phrase like, “It makes sense that you feel that way.” Validation doesn’t mean agreeing—it’s about showing empathy and acknowledgment that is how your mate sees things.
Schedule Safe Conversations Set aside a regular time each week to discuss your feelings, needs, and concerns. Create a space where both of you can share openly without fear of criticism. We call this the zero-negativity opportunity in Imago.
Turn Complaints into Requests Instead of saying, “You never help around the house,” try reframing with a positive request: “It would mean so much to me if you could help with the dishes tonight.” This shifts the tone from blame to collaboration. Our partners usually want to help us and this allows them to know what you are wanting. We have to use words and if they are kind we are more likely to listen and take them on board.
Stay Connected with Love in the Real World
Building a strong, connected relationship takes work, but the rewards are immense. If you’re ready to deepen your bond and learn more tools to improve your relationship, couples workshop opportunities in person and online, sign up for our newsletter, Love in the Real World. Each month, we’ll send you practical tips, insights, and resources to nurture your partnership.
Over the past few decades, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) has become a gold standard in trauma therapy, helping countless individuals heal from distressing experiences. Its effectiveness in addressing PTSD, anxiety, and other trauma-related disorders has made it a cornerstone in many therapists’ toolkits. As a person and clinician who works with many clients impacted by these challenging issues, I am always on the lookout to add to my therapy swag. An EMDR friend introduced me to the latest wellbeing healing approach – Deep Brain Reprocessing (DBR). DBR is emerging as a potential advancement in the field of trauma therapy, and it’s worth exploring whether DBR is the next evolution of EMDR.
Understanding EMDR’s Foundations
Before delving into DBR, it’s essential to understand what makes EMDR so effective as a trauma processing therapy. Developed by Francine Shapiro PhD in the late 1980s, EMDR facilitates the processing of traumatic memories through a structured eight-phase protocol. The most well-known aspect is bilateral stimulation (often in eye movements, sounds, or tapping), which is believed to help desensitize and reprocess disturbing memories. It is working to settle cortisol-soaked immune systems down and into a calmer healing state.
EMDR’s effectiveness lies in its ability to link traumatic memories with more adaptive thoughts and beliefs, ultimately reducing the emotional charge associated with the trauma. Many studies have shown that EMDR can accelerate the brain’s natural healing process, offering profound relief from long-held trauma in a relatively short period of time.
The Emergence of Deep Brain Reprocessing (DBR)
Deep Brain Reprocessing, developed by Dr. Frank Corrigan, builds on some of the fundamental principles of EMDR but takes a more integrative, brain-centred approach.
While EMDR primarily focuses on reprocessing memories tied to trauma, DBR goes deeper into the brain’s subconscious layers. The goal of DBR is to access and work with deeply embedded, often non-verbal memories and emotional responses stored in the brain stem and limbic system.
DBR focuses on reorienting brain structures that have become maladaptive due to trauma. In particular, it aims to help patients reconnect to their core self, free from overwhelm of fragmented parts of the psyche. Having a parts therapy like Resource Therapy is essential also. This process is particularly relevant for individuals who experience dissociation, complex PTSD, or trauma from early childhood, where preverbal and deeply ingrained responses are harder to access and process through traditional therapeutic methods.
The Role of the Brain in Trauma: The Shock Comes First
Trauma responses are not just emotional or cognitive; they are fundamentally brain-based. Before a person becomes consciously aware of a feeling or thought, the brain registers the shock of a traumatic event. This shock activates survival mechanisms deep within the brain, particularly in the brain stem and limbic system, long before any conscious processing occurs. This means that trauma is experienced initially as a biological response, hardwired for survival, which often leads to fight, flight, freeze, or fawn reactions. The brain’s immediate response to threat is so rapid that it bypasses rational thinking and emotional awareness.
DBR taps directly into these deep, automatic brain reactions by targeting the very structures where the initial shock is stored. By accessing these brain regions, DBR allows the brain to reorient itself from its survival-based responses to more adaptive, integrated ways of functioning. This is especially crucial for trauma survivors, and those with attachment wounds as the brain’s rapid, unconscious reactions often become maladaptive over time, leading to symptoms such as hypervigilance, dissociation, and emotional numbing.
DBR vs. EMDR: Key Differences
While both EMDR and DBR aim to help individuals process and heal from traumatic experiences, there are some notable differences:
Depth of Processing: EMDR often works with trauma that can be explicitly recalled and verbally processed. DBR, however, targets much deeper, non-verbal levels of the brain where more primitive and early memories are stored, potentially offering a more profound reprocessing for individuals with complex trauma histories.
Neurobiological Focus: DBR pays particular attention to how trauma affects brain structures such as the brain stem and limbic system. This emphasis on brain reorientation differs from EMDR’s focus on desensitising traumatic memories.
Application to Complex Trauma: DBR may be more effective in treating individuals with dissociative disorders or early developmental trauma, as it aims to integrate fragmented parts of the psyche more thoroughly than EMDR alone.
Is DBR the New EMDR?
While it may be too early to declare DBR the “new EMDR,” it certainly shows promise as a complementary or even more profound tool for trauma therapy. Many therapists are incorporating DBR into their practice, particularly when working with clients who have not fully responded to EMDR or who present with complex, deeply rooted trauma.
For clinicians, DBR offers an exciting frontier in trauma treatment, one that delves deeper into the brain’s healing capacities. Contemporary neuroscientific research is encouraging, Corrigan, et al, 2023. For clients, it provides hope—particularly for those who have long struggled with the effects of early or complex trauma.
Ultimately, both EMDR and DBR offer powerful tools for trauma recovery, and the choice between them depends on the individual needs of the client. DBR, however, may well represent the next leap forward in understanding and healing the brain’s inbuilt response to trauma.
Having trained in DBR, I have witnessed as a therapist the firsthand benefits for my clients. Being an explorer, I had the wonderful opportunity to experience working with the founder Frank Corrigan in a seminar in Melbourne. Over Zoom, I was in front of the class with Frank online. Incredibly, the shock and body tension of being in a car accident several years ago was released from my body in 30 minutes or so. Sold! My jaw and neck tension since that session has evaporated. Yay, huge relief, cheers all round indeed.
As research and clinical experiences grow, it will be fascinating to see how DBR continues to develop and whether it will take its place alongside or even surpass EMDR in the therapeutic landscape. For now, both remain invaluable modalities, each with its strengths in helping individuals reclaim their lives from the effects of trauma.
Are you DBR curious? Please reach out and book a session and experience for yourself the shifts. Imagine going from pain to gain in this powerful, ground-breaking approach. Amazing. Perhaps you have already heard of DBR or had some work, love to hear it, please drop a comment in the box below. Sharing is caring!
Sending Love and light,
Philipa
References
Corrigan, F. M., Hull, A. M., & Turner, R. (2023). A randomized controlled trial of Deep Brain Reorienting: A neuroscientifically guided treatment for post-traumatic stress disorder. European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 14(2), 2240691. https://doi.org/10.1080/20008198.2023.2240691
Why Choose Imago as a Brief Relationship Coaching Model?
Our childhood, particularly our relationships with our parents and significant others, profoundly shapes our personalities and relationships in adulthood.
Imago Relationship Therapy, a holistic and structured therapeutic approach, uses this concept to support couple growth and connection. Designed to help couples reduce conflicts and improve their relationships, the Imago Model delves into early influences of our personality parts and how we can adapt for a new, healthier partnership with good tools and guidance.
What Is Imago Therapy?
Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt developed Imago Therapy in the 1980s. The term “Imago” is Latin for ‘image,’ reflecting the idea that people are attracted to partners who mirror both the positive and negative traits of their childhood caregivers. As you can see we are drawn to seek and improve ourselves.
The theory acknowledges that early life experiences shape our understanding of love and safety. As adults, we unconsciously seek partners who resemble our parents, hoping to fulfil the unconscious image of love formed in our childhood.
Imago Therapy aims to help individuals address unresolved childhood issues and needs, making partners aware of how these experiences influence their current relationship dynamics. So when our partner is running late and hasn’t called us, our adult part can support us rather than our child part feeling abandoned. Or we can know our partners needs for reassurance come from their parents inability to tune into our unique aspects of ourselves. This is supremely freeing for both parties as you can imagine.
The therapist is your coach and guide, having completed many years of training. An Imago certified relationship psychologist will be using Imago both professionally and personally. Chris and I as a husband and wife team found this got us out of the hole we were stuck in. It’s a tried and true psychological method of relationship transformation for us. This is why we are so passionate sharing Imago with you!
The Core Principles of Imago Therapy
The Imago Therapy model is built on five fundamental principles:
Reimagining Your Partner as holding hurt from the past: Understanding your partner’s vulnerabilities rooted in their childhood experiences.
Rekindling Romance: Engaging in activities like giving gifts, surprising your partner, and appreciating each other to revive the romance in your relationship.
Transforming Disappointments and Frustrations: Converting complaints into constructive requests.
Managing Intense Emotions: Seeking solutions together to manage feelings. Learning to self-care and reset your nervous system from fight/flight/freeze responses and reactivity. Towards a calm and composed way of being, allowing us to reconnect with our rational thinking brain.
Re-envisioning Your Relationship: Viewing your relationship as a source of Joy, satisfaction, and safety.
Techniques in Imago Therapy
Imago Therapy employs various structured techniques to help couples reduce conflict and reconnect:
The Imago Dialogue: This structured process helps partners understand each other’s perspective better. During sessions, one partner shares their thoughts and feelings while the other listens without interruption, fostering a calm safe space for open and non-judgmental communication.
Mirroring: One partner reflects the words and emotional tone of the other without adding interpretation or judgment. This technique enhances understanding and allows for clarity. Offering you and your partner the opportunity to feel deeply heard and seen.
Empathy and Validation: These are crucial components of Imago Therapy. Through guided exercises, couples learn to empathise with each other’s experiences, validate their feelings, and respond with compassion rather than defensiveness, deepening their emotional connection. This is revitalising, as we are acknowledged and attuned to with care and kindness by our loved ones.
The Parent-Child Dialogue: Partners discuss their childhood experiences and feelings towards their parents or caregivers, leading to a better understanding of each other’s behaviours and needs. This offers a distance from past hurts and potential healing in the present.
Behaviour Change Requests: Partners take turns expressing what they would like their partner to improve, framed in a kind, and empathetic manner rather than the usual arguments with frustration or anger. Promoting conflict resolution in a safe environment.
Is Imago Therapy an Effective Short-Term Approach?
While research is limited, existing studies suggest that Imago Relationship Therapy is an effective approach for couples. A randomised control study the gold standard of research conducted by Gehlert, Schmidt, Giegerich, Luquet (2017) found that 12 weeks of Imago therapy for couples in distress seeking marital treatment was linked to improvements in relationship satisfaction. Their results demonstrated that individuals receiving Imago Relationship therapy showed statistically significant increases in marital satisfaction. Couples in the control group remained at the same level of distress.A qualitative study of meaningful data exploring 12 people of African and American heritage’s experience after completing Imago education/ Their data analysis saw improved communication between partners, increased understanding of self and partner, and their childhood experiences impact the relationship.
We all deserve love and connection.
Why Choose Imago?
The Imago Model is a structured therapeutic approach designed to improve relationships by addressing the significant impact of early childhood experiences. It employs various techniques, such as the Imago Dialogue, behaviour change requests, and parent-child dialogue, to facilitate communication and connection among partners. Research supports its effectiveness in enhancing communication and relationship satisfaction.
At Marriage Works, we are committed to helping couples navigate the complexities of their relationships with tools like Imago Therapy. By understanding and addressing the roots of relationship dynamics, we aim to foster deeper connections and lasting satisfaction in partnerships.
I wanted to share what my husband and I teach – Resource Therapy to other mental health professionals, to give you the opportunity to see what else we do.
Here is a post from theResource Therapy Institute Australia . Limited time as there are less than 24 hours to go for this special gift – Click here NLP PLaybook & Calendar for the NLP Masters Summit where you can see me speak.
Also last minute I know but the “Getting the love you want Workshop” is on this weekend if you are in near Crows Nest Sydney. For details click here to go to the official Imago Therapy Australia website.
As conscious beings with active minds we tend to think a good deal. Sometimes that thinking becomes excessive or obsessive – we worry. These are the what if’s. If onlys. You know those thoughts that just won’t quit. Worry.
Stress can overwhelm us and keep us stuck
Worrying a touch is normal in fact it can even motivate us to learn or keep us safe. It can act as a protective mechanism. We would have needed it for our survival once upon a time.
It’s when the worry has you trapped in a vicious cycle of procrastination, or frozen that it becomes annoying. I know I live with a certain amount of worry – I know it’s a good part of me trying to help and usually letting me know there is a need of mine not being met. A need to feel safe, be known or to be free.
Don’t let our evolution eat us up. Learn Resource Therapy’s powerful parts negotiation for changing anxiety.
Worry is at it’s heart anxiety provoking – we are living in an anxious world. A parents this is heightened with all potential threats out there – yet we must allow our children to breathe, learn explore and gain their confidence over time with our trust in them and ourselves.
We don’t want our kids ot be victims of worry. In The Heart of Man Dr Eric Fromm tells how a mothers conceren with only predicting negative outcomes for her child’s future and not noticing their success, he says ” She does not harm the child in any obvious way, yet she may slowly strangle his joy in life.”
Of course any caregiver could be substituted there. We must not smother our child’s natural growth.
Luckily treatment is available. Therapy is always a good option to deal with this part of you that may have been on duty for a long time. Resource Therapy has powerful techniques that work directly with this part to tap into it’s usefulness and find an alternative.
The good thing about therapy is it doesn’t have any medical side effects. As we know the antidote to anxiety is to take action. Say yes today!
Are you feeling trapped in a cycle of negativity with you and your partner getting stuck in the same old fights. You know the ones – where you experience the loop like a noose tightening around your throat and all you can think is “here we go again”… another argument, but can’t think what to do. Well let me help you. First take a big breath and take a time out. Stop and use it.
This can be a chance for change.
Money is the number cause of arguments! Budget today.
At this stage you are at a choice point. Decide to act in the old routine, with typically the same dance steps.
You know how that pans out right? I’d guess you can cake walk the outcome with your eyes closed. Play with me do it on your own now. Not great huh?
Or you can choose a new move.
Here’s an option for variety, which I call taking a turn down memory lane. It involves purposeful distraction. Parent’s are the master of directing children’s attention to away from distress – simply get them to focus on something else and look at you. New stimulation, different mood equals peace for you, sigh of relief. You remind them of the fun time they had playing soccer or whatever it was they enjoy doing.
I was coaching a husband the other day. He wanted to break out of the old habits of relating to his wife. So I suggested my distraction technique, which is really using Resource Therapy’s powerful methods for change. It’s so simple and yet effective.
Turn the corner today and stop an argument. Make a time later for serious discussion.
I call it –Take a turn down into Memory Lane.
This is where it’s time to stroll back in history. Where you get to go to those earlier days in dating relationship, remember we used to call in courting. The idea is to foster a reconnection with your past successes – as The Cars sang “Let the good times roll.”
Recreate an old vision renewed to enliven your marriage.
You are going for the treasure pot of gold. It’s not at the end of the rainbow but at the beginning of your partnership.
Actually it’s any time you felt warm, loved, connected and light being in each others presence. Where you are delighted and so are they. The happy relaxed carefree times. Not suprising it’s often pre-kids!
You reminisce on the first holiday, kiss, date, your proposal or walking down the aisle staring with hope and joy into each others eyes. Whatever the time was where you were really into each other, feeling connected and cared for. Those love drugs where pumping. We want to bring this back into sharp focus.
How much fun was it to play in the sand, laughing and joking around?!
They don’t call it re-membering for nothing!
Here you are bringing out your partner’s Loving Resource state, the part of their personality which enjoys you and their choice of spouse. And you are also bringing forth the same part which found them cute and fun to be with.
The way you do this is to really paint the picture, describe the time of day, where you were, the surroundings, the sounds, the sensations, images and warm emotions. Keep doing this until your spouse joins in and you see the light in their eyes, the softness in their voice and gentleness in their features. Play with it. Get some serious fun happening.
It’s so simple.
The only proviso is it must only be happy times with nothing negative attached. Now if things have been rough recently you may need to be tenacious and keep reaching.
All I need to do with Chris is say remember what fun we had Bali? What great meals we had there. Bali is where we took our first overseas holiday and it was magical, it still is a favourite destination.
A beautiful Bali smile from our first trip there.
Then I say how good was our first night’s dinner at the Cafe Wayan in Ubud?
Yummy dinner at a Warung in Bali.
What did you have again? You see Chris enjoys his food and if I get him talking about something delicious I can almost see him drool. His eyes get a dreamy look – I can see he is back there in the warm glades, hearing the tinkle of the music.
Having this conversation about our shared joy makes us closer and brings out the loving parts of us. It sets us up for a great night.
So do yourself a favour and take a walk down memory lane today. And you needn’t wait to use it to staunch an argument. Practice it prior. Use it any time you want to feel connected and inspire love. with your partner.
Please tell me your thoughts on this technique and even better how it went for you. Love to hear your experiences, so please share.
I love psychology especially when it explains for us what is inexplicable. In a lot of readers comments there is a coomon thread of why do I behave like this toward my partner. I push him away one minute and then when he leaves I feel like I am going to die!
As you can hear it is a very young part responding to the threat of them leaving. This younger self can feel abandoned, paralyzed and hopeless.
John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth who gave us Attachment theory which are formed in childhood with our caretakers. This attachment helps us to survive as infants. We are totally dependent on others for life. We develop our ways of connection – our attachment style in relation to the way our parents or those responsible for our care were available to us.
There are four types of attachment –
1. Secure: A child with this type of attachment will feel easily soothed and safe when with their main caregiver. If they are distressed, they will turn towards their caregiver, or seek them out in some way. This attachment is formed when a child knows they can count on their caregiver to be there for them when they cry, soothe them, and care for them. They will use this secure attachment as a safe base from which they can explore all that’s around them.
2. Insecure-Avoidant: Children do not attach to their caregiver because they don’t feel they can rely on them. This usually means that their primary caregiver either hasn’t been there for them when they needed it or has been rejecting or dismissive of their needs altogether. When a child is in distress and has this type of attachment they will not seek contact with their primary attachment figure.
3. Insecure Ambivalent: Children with this type of attachment will be clingy and needy of their caregiver, but when the caregiver comes to their aid they are rejecting of them and not easily soothed.
4. Disorganized: Children with this type of attachment will show a confusing mix of attachment behaviors and may even appear to be confused or disoriented. They believe that this attachment style is caused by inconsistency from their caregivers. Meaning that a parent may be soothing and helpful, but also fear-inducing and hurtful.
Below is a very famous example of what a baby will do to make their care giver respond. It’s so amazing.
Can you guess the number one presenting problem couples have when they come in to see me? Yes you’d be right if you’ve said it is communication. Complaints begin with s/He doesn’t communicate, or s/he never listens are catch cries repeated in my office.
Accusations fly and a load of words move between the spouses like arrows. The discouraging thing is it’s usually totally negative. Making it virtually impossible to stay connected and positive.
Crappy Communication. Can you read the body language? Know what this feels like?
When we feel attacked and criticized we usually get defensive, worn down and ultimately one or both withdraw, shutting down in sheer frustration.
Sound familiar? Perhaps you can see how this applies to your arguments and attempts to talk on the hot topics – parenting, finance, the in-laws the list goes on.
Now it’s not that they can’t talk, the truth is they can’t communicate effectively. When I listen it becomes clear key skills are missing. Communication is often misunderstood, especially in partnerships. That’s why couple coaching works.
Learning the techniques to communicate clearly will allow you to find freedom, joy, love and genuine connection. Disconnection is the second major complaint couples have.
Paint your wall differently. Look, learn and listen.
When you communicate clearly you create:
Clarity and perspective
Deeper connection
Creativity
Consideration
Minimal conflict
Faster results
Better outcomes for all
Love in each others company. Learn the ability to communicate effectively
Who doesn’t what these life-enhancing benefits?
Where Couples go Wrong.
If you have ever found yourself in the equivalent of a communication traffic jam, then you will recognise the roadblocks. Once you realise and release these barriers, next time when you see the signs you can take a different route entirely. You are in the drivers seat!
Common Roadblocks:
Missing the message
Accusation
Defensiveness
Poor tone
Lack of politeness
Reactivity
As I promised here are 8 Potently Powerful Communication Skills
1 Create Connection.
Before we even start to have a discussion we need to ensure we are ‘with’ the person. This means getting in synch with them. In therapy speak we call this joining. What we want to do is build rapport.
Communication experts believe the majority of the message being both sent and received is nonverbal. Words only account for a lousy 7% of communication is the oft-stated figure.
We have amazing things inside called mirror neurons, which, allow us to understand and feel what other people are going through.
That’s why when you watch those kids on TV bouncing off the see saw hard your body winces and you go ouch! And possibly laugh.
Mirror neurons give us this capacity for social synchrony, promoting bonding and empathy in our relationships. Scientists have determined analytical thought destroys and creates misunderstanding. Stop any analysis paralysis.
Caught up in thoughts ? Not useful for in-depth communiques
How do I create connection?
Simple you copy and match your mate’s body language as your chatting to them. It’s human nature we like others like us. Pay attention to your partner’s gestures, placement, and tone of voice.
If they tilt their head to one side you match this. If they are speaking slowly, so do you. When then breathe you breathe with them. They have crossed legs you might cross yours at the ankle. The key is to do it subtly.
These guys are not succeeding in the subtle !
Next time you are with someone and having fun, you will most likely find yourself doing this automatically. It is an unconscious process. So get back into synch with your partner today.
2 Forget Mind Reading. Become a Body Reader.
It’s not as creepy as it sounds. Too many partners are busy reading their significant others mind and totally missing vital information.
You won’t be surprised to hear body speak is a vital component. Don’t worry you don’t need to be an Allan Pease body language expert to decode your partners message.
What you do need is an idea of what their body is signalling to you. Is there a sign of relaxation and ease or discomfort?
Signs of comfort and ease are leaning towards, physically coming closer, twinkling eyes, turning to face you, a head tilt, a pat of the hand, a smile and touch.
Create connection and collaboration see this couples intimacy and comfort levels are high
Signs of discomfort appear as head or neck touching or rubbing, head turning away, arms crossing, body angle or feet turning away and poor eye contact or looking away.
Read this mans comfort levels as low. Crossed arms, flattened mouth and rigid body posture are a give away.
What you want to do is note where the person’s general comfort levels are. High comfort gives you a green light to keep going and low comfort you may need to back off a bit.
For example I am in connection with my partner and I notice he goes rigid and starts smoothing his hair with his hand frequently, his face looks taut. I know that he is in discomfort and most likely not able to hear things clearly. So I soften and go back to creating connection.
3 Own It.
They best way to own your communication I know is with the tried and true “I Statement.”
An I statement is where you describe your experience and feelings on something. It is the gold standard in assertive communication.
If it goes something like: Hi honey did you take the garbage out (you know they didn’t as you can see the overflow out of the corner of your eye). They say Sorry I forgot. I’ll do it, why do you have to keep asking? Don’t you trust me? You respond you take forever to do it.”
You get the picture and I am sure you know where this one goes off into the ditch in your own life experience.
When you use a you statement which is sadly often followed with a never, always don’t, it will come across as an accusation. No one likes to be accused. Naturally they go into defense mode. These are part of what John Gottman refers to as the four Horseman of the Apocalypse and good predictors of divorce in communication patterns.
Read this statement and see what is wrong with it. “ I feel/think that you….” Warning this is not an I address of usefulness. The You overtake the I.
Bad news right? So the antidote is the “I Statement.”
An “I” offers an objective opinion; it opens space and gets your message across. Try taking a true I statement personally. Use this vital skill today in all your relationships and interactions. Watch the change.
4 Be Open.
This should really be at the top of my list, please make it your priority.
When you are vulnerable and open to others real magic happens. People will feel safe and will be open towards you. True vulnerability builds trust and strengthens bonds while deepening connection. See why it’s a priority? This will give you increased joy and security in all your relationships. Vulnerability is the cornerstone of intimacy.
When we feel safe we are like the flower opening to the sun, the bird spreading her wings to soar and the dolphin dancing in the waves.
Vulnerability advocate and researcher Brené Brown has improved our knowledge tremendously. I recommend her books and you will find these in the Book Resource section.
If you want your partner to be open and share their vulnerabilities you are going to have to take the lead and be the first to be vulnerable.
Vulnerability and gentle honesty can provide you with a powerful relationship, now who doesn’t want that? Let’s have a go at increasing your joy and stimulating satisfaction.
5 Silence.
Yes the next thing you need to do is to shut up. Finding silence helps you listen intently to understand.
Shhh, listen you will hear something good.
Quietness is a true gift for your spouse and you. This gift will create a deeper soulful relationship.
The stillness of attending silence offers you the opportunity to be a better listener. It is an active process of being soft and taking things in without interpretation or reaction.
Creating a silent space for others encourages them to talk more. (Yes I can hear some people cheering at this. Talkers, get ready to listen more.)
Interruption and its accomplice inner rebuttal (thinking of what you are going to say, how wrong they are in your mind while the other is speaking) are the murderers of silence. These shut down and diminish relationships.
True silence gently allows your significant other an invitation to help you both learn more about each other and the situation. Offering you real growth potential. Sit in attended silence more.
6 Respect.
While respect is not so much a skill as an attitude. It says to your loved one you matter to me. I will show up in this discussion. If you wish to be an influential parent, a thoughtful partner or caring friend this outlook is the key to successful interactions. It all starts with you.
Respect is shown is a light tone of voice, it says I am here ready to hear you. I care about you, your issues matter to me and I want to help you.
Opponents to Respect are:
Problem Solving
Thinking of your answer
Intellectualizing
Asking too many questions
Talking over another person
Intimidation – yelling, aggression or worse still throwing property or making threats
Bringing out all the issues at once
Dredging up the past resentments– dirty fighting
So as Aretha Franklin say show a little Respect! Forget any interjection, and relax. This alone will go a long way to resolving your issues and makes for a safe landing zone.
Respect you and your partner.
7 Reflect for Clarity.
In therapy we us a term called reflection, or mirroring. Basically this is where you paraphrase the other person’s comments back to them. It’s an integral part of a listening exercise using called Imago dialogue many couple therapists employ.
Pussy cat reflecting on the dialogue
You let your partner speak and feedback what you have heard. This allows both you and them to really feel heard and attended too.
The real power here is will provide clear communication. No longer will you misinterpret your mate. You will check in with them. They will even help you if you have missed something.
When you partner has said their piece you paraphrase back to them. “So what I hearing you saying is… is a good starter or From what you said I heard … did I get that?
Practice, practice and then some more practice. Here you do not add anything in this process is for creating connection.
8 Add in Empathy to the Mix.
After you have reflected for clarity you can add the most potent communication enhancer empathy to your skills.
This is where you have a guess at what the other person is feeling on an emotional front. Connecting with a partner on a emotional basis will advance your relationship to a new level of fulfillment. Empathy is the healing influence. It is also the cornerstone of emotional intelligence.
So work at developing this and the above core skills to advance your relationships and connections to a higher level today. Challenge yourself to take these words off the blog and into your life, have fun!
Happy communicators make good friends and lovers
Please let us know in the comments below what have been your bugbears and what has made a difference. Perhaps you have a suggestion you would like us to help you further with in your communication quandaries or would like to share your successes – we would love to read about them.
I’ve posted a 4-part video series explaining my take on The Last Resort Technique (LRT) which is the most popular page on this website. See that page for a detailed breakdown of LRT.
Questions and comments are welcome either in YouTube comments section or in the comments on the page dedicated to The Last Resort Technique. Please like and subscribe on YouTube to help others find this information.
Introduction video
1:36 mins part 1 of 4
Michele Weiner-Davis The Last Resort Technique is also known as LRT or “The 180”. It comes from her amazing book The Divorce Remedy.
I’d appreciate it if you wish to purchase this worthy book, you click on the link to go directly to Amazon. This is an affiliate link through which I make a small commission if you buy via the link to offset the cost of running this website. You don’t have to use the link, you can search for “The Divorce Remedy” and buy it without the affiliate link.
In second video we get into the details of
Step 1 – Stop Chasing
4:17 minutes – part 2 of 4
Step 2 – Get a Life
9:38 mins – part 3 of 4
Step 3 – Wait and Watch
8:05 minutes part 4 of 4
Again, please like and subscribe on YouTube to help others find this information. A tweet or a share on social media would also benefit others.
We are super excited – Marriage Works is expanding with the talents of Rachele Davis coming on board. She starts 28th July so hurry to book as she has limited availabity and we certainly don’t want you to miss out. Rachele is seeing Individuals only at this stage.
Celebrate with a bugle for Rachele!
Rachele has a wide variety of experience working with clients in her career already. We feel so lucky to have a provisional psychologist with access to the latest therapy innovations joining us in Randwick.
You are getting a fresh face as Rachele heads towards completing her psychological registration with the College of Professional Psychology.
This means Rachele graduated from the University of Wollongong in 2014 with a Bachelor of Arts (Psychology Honors), with a major in Psychology and minor in Philosophy. Rachele is a dedicated and skilled therapist, she completed her Clinical Resource Therapist qualification in 2016 with the Resource Therapy Institute of Australia.
Her skills include working across the lifespan with children, adults and families. Rachele wants you to know she work from a strengths-based frame work with a client centered approach. Since provisional registration she has gained experience working with physical/intellectual disabilities, a range of mood related and developmental disorders, anxiety related disorders and personality disorders. Rachele’s therapeutic toolkit includes Resource Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Motivational Interviewing and Solution Focused Therapy.
Rachele’s specialty areas of interest
include working with those of you who have phobias – fear of flying, addictions, social phobia, agoraphobia anxiety, depression, trauma and stress-related difficulties.
Don’t let fear of flying keep you grounded!
Rachele is available on Fridays for individual adult appointments in Randwick.
You will also benefit from a special session rate. Please enquire with me Philipa 0434 559011. Book early to get your preferred time, as she has limitd appointment slots.
