Last updated on April 16th, 2018 at 11:40 am
I’ve posted a 4-part video series explaining my take on The Last Resort Technique (LRT) which is the most popular page on this website. See that page for a detailed breakdown of LRT.
Questions and comments are welcome either in YouTube comments section or in the comments on the page dedicated to The Last Resort Technique. Please like and subscribe on YouTube to help others find this information.
Introduction video
1:36 mins part 1 of 4
Michele Weiner-Davis The Last Resort Technique is also known as LRT or “The 180”. It comes from her amazing book The Divorce Remedy.
I’d appreciate it if you wish to purchase this worthy book, you click on the link to go directly to Amazon. This is an affiliate link through which I make a small commission if you buy via the link to offset the cost of running this website. You don’t have to use the link, you can search for “The Divorce Remedy” and buy it without the affiliate link.
In second video we get into the details of
Step 1 – Stop Chasing
4:17 minutes – part 2 of 4
Step 2 – Get a Life
9:38 mins – part 3 of 4
Step 3 – Wait and Watch
8:05 minutes part 4 of 4
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My husband of 4 years (been together for 6) just moved out last Tuesday and served me with divorce papers all on the same day. I wasn’t aware these things were going to happen. Now our three children and I (10, 8 and 7 months) only have 2 weeks to find a new place to live (the house was owned by his family’s trust). After a couple days of embarrassing behavior, I’ve stopped chasing him and have begin to focus on myself and my children. While he says he still loves me and the children dearly, he just can’t be married to me. There was alcoholism on his part that he is now sober but there was a real struggle for a couple of years in our marriage. I recognize my part in the break-up of our marriage and am making changes to how I react to situations with my PsyD. However, I had a question, he said he likes it when I send photos of the kids, should I continue to send those out like I have always done or stop sending them to him? He is having short frequent visitation of 2 hours every other evening where it’s just like (as my middle one says) the “good olden days” and he joins us for dinner and our regular activities. Am I being too accommodating to him? On top of being the caregiver of the children, I’ve also got a professional full-time job that thankfully allows a ton of flexibility. But it’s all starting to feel like a bit much… I don’t want to be a jerk, I truly enjoy his company with the children and we do have a good time, but I don’t know if I need to pull back more. I’m really just trying to do what’s best for the children here.
Thanks so much.
Dear Lisa,
thanks for your email. You and your relationship have been through a rough time. Good on your awareness. I am sure your PsyD will be a of use here too.
I am a big advocate of lots of family time, this is great for bonding and when he leaves he gets to miss all of your company. All the better if you enjoy it and have fun, really lovely. I advise my coaching clients to maintain and say yes to all family time they can work etc permitting. And yes send photo’s of the kids, I mean how fabulous is it when your dad wants to see pictures of your love – children! Wonderful stuff and heartening. So I would keep it up.
I want everyone who reads this, to know this. Two parents, however, they manage the organization cooperatively (I mean either as coparents or as their spouse) are the best for your children. So work at it guys!
good luck and my pleasure Lisa.
Cheers Philipa
Hi,
My wife of 10 years, partner for 12, has used the dreaded I love you but don’t know if i’m IN love with you anymore.
We have two young children 7 & 5 years old
I work in the Close Protection Industry and I am currently stationed in Kabul.
Previously i was in the British Military for 15 years.
I am currently work on a 9 & 3 rotation thats 9 weeks in work and 3 weeks at home.
We had just celebrated our 10 year anniversary, with a long weekend in Dubai.
The whole time my wife was on her group chat with her work colleagues, not really wanting to engage with me.
We did have loads of passionate sex, as you can imagine having not seen each other for 9 weeks.
But I did ask her why she didn’t want to chat and she replied enjoy the moment and then went back to her group chat.
When we got back she then spent every night out of the house, at her mums, her sisters and a friends. She then spent Saturday night out on the piss and came back at 5 in the morning really drunk.
When she sobered I asked what she was playing at to which she replied that she gets freedom when I’m home and doesn’t feel coupes up or trapped.
I accused her of not wanting to spend time with me and even saying she doesn’t love me.
I thought we had resolved them issues that following week, so we went out for my birthday and my wife and I had a pretty big bust up, (both drunk, & the first bust up in 3 years) which led to my wife saying she wanted a divorce the very next day.
That final week at home was like hell but we managed to work through it and as I left my wife assured me we where fine and that space would do us good, we enjoyed each others company that week and made love every night after.
I couldn’t help but think though that something wasn’t right.
When I got back to work I did all the things I wasn’t supposed to and chased and text and pursued her, to the point where she told me she loves me but didn’t know if she was in love with me.
This obviously had the negative effect and made me worse.
I found this article three days too late.
We have a family holiday booked in June and she initially said it would do us good, I couldn’t leave it at that though and said I wanted answers to what she had said, to which she kept saying she didn’t know.
Bare in mind this is all over txt or phone.
I asked her about her feelings and she explained to me that she imagined me being with someone else to see if it would generate feelings for me and she said it didn’t.
I asked her if I had said that to her what would she do and she replied that she would walk away.
So I told her (over the phone it was over) and she initially begged and said no, no, no, please everyones different.
We didn’t speak for a few days, and I initiated contact and went back on what I said, back peddling, she replied that she had thought about it and was content it was over.
Cue all the poor techniques I shouldn’t do all over again.
I then found this article, only two days in and we have had contact initiated by her, purely about the kids.
But her mum did call me and say that my wife had told people in our family circle that we where separating.
She has told everyone that matters she doesn’t know what she’s feelings and that she doesn’t know if she loves me the way I love her.
She has also told me she is having second thoughts about the family holiday and that maybe I should take my mum.
I am applying the techniques in the LRT article.
But I would like to hear your opinion on the matter.
I do know that I am not perfect in all of this, I react instead of responding and can at times have a short temper and end up raising me voice, but this is on the odd occasion.
regards
Dear Tam,
Reading your email it is clear your relationship has struggled with your work situation.
I’d risk a bet if you asked your wife how things are for her over the past couple of years. She would respond like she is single or alone. You really need to hear her side if you want to address this, with love, non defensiveness or justification.
Good on you for finding the LRT. I have worked with folk from military and police backgrounds. It can be a real challenge to move back onto soft mode after being out in the field.
My best suggestion is for you to address your reactions, short temper and voice raising. Find more appropriate ways to respond when triggered. Therapy – Imago I think is great and the other awesome ones Resource Therapy, EMDR, EFT and the like which address teh cause of the symptoms quickly.
Wishing you all the best with it soldier,
Keep up the good work,
Philipa
Hello, my husband and I are currently going through a separation initiated by him. We have been together for 11 years and married for 9. We have been together since we were 16. We now have two little boys ages 7 and 2. I do tend to be a perfectionist and always had high expectation in life in general. We always had communication problems because I would always speak up and he wouldnt really do so. I had the idea that we were fine and our problems were normal. Lately it seemed as if we were enojoying each other more while being intimate but at the same time he was starting to act cold around his kids and I which would confuse me, but I just thought it was due to his stress from work. I made to a point were I told myself that I needed to stop being so harsh on him so started changing my ways. One evening we were being intimate and he asked how come i was being too nice to him. I told him that because i was realizing some things and that for the first time i had a feeling i was loosong him so i wanted to work on becoming a better person. Later that night he went out with his friend and the following morning just dropped the news. According to him he i made him suffered a lot all these years and i made him feel like i wasnt happy. That same day i searched through his phone which i hadnt done before and i found a conversation with a new coworker he had. It wasnt nothing compromising but i know him and i just feel that from his part he is attracted to her. So later i confronted him. He says that he does feel attracted and had started to flirt with her but that he had no intentions of starting nothing with no one. He did say that she was not the reason for his decision of getting divorce that he is just to hurt and nothing will chamge his mind. But i do feel like he has this excitement and curiosity with this girl because like i said we have being together since high school. I did al the no no’s mentioned here, the begging, the crying, the spying, and begging some more, but indeed it did seem as if the more i insist and ask questions the more annoyed he gets and the more he tells me to stop and that i need to have dignity. I read this article, and to be honest its quite difficult cutting contact due to our kids. I have to see him and talk to him no matter what. For the las two weeks i have tried to keep it short and simple. Only talking about kids drop off schedule and so, or things related to our financial situations. But Iget more confused because all i get are mixed signals, sometimes it seems like he wants to talk more about other stuff as if were friends, or he tries to joke when he thinks i have plans like if his intrigued but jokes about it. Or him asking if i will need help to make payments and stuff like that. I dont what to do, i still have hope due to those little things but then i wonder what if im interpreting everything in the wrong way only because i would like for him to come back. How do i apply this technique when i have kids involved. Or should i just move on.
Hi Deanna, I have responded earlier to some of your points, so will address your questions here.
Can I clarify something here –PLEASE the LRT or anything I say here suggests cutting contact when you have children together.
The LRT needs to be adapted to your unique situation. It is not a set of rules that we blindly follow. The Last Resort is simply 3 Steps. Reread them fully in the article. A quick reminder is Step 1 Stop chasing, Step 2 Get a life and Step 3 Apply patience and wait.
Thank you for raising this important issue with regard to your children. As I want everyone who reads this to be really clear. We are the leaders in our children’s worlds and they are looking to us as a guide to help them through challenging times like family separation.
You definitely want to be friendly with your co-parent no matter what the outcome may be. My bias here is towards your children and them having a safe base with their two parents. Our children don’t get a vote in what decisions adults make. Our job as parents is to help them grow into their potential with love and support. Sure we won’t always get it right but we keep trying. They will need you both now more than ever to be kind and friendly toward each other.
You can apply the steps easily. Spot on no interpretation, be a great co-parent. Let him help his children by assisting financially. Honestly, that is amazing, I can tell you many people use financial withholding. Stop asking any type of relationship questions. Keep your interactions light and fun. This will help him remember the woman he was originally attracted to. Get a life as much as we can in this time of Covid. Use this opportunity to learn more about yourself and how things got to this point. This will help your keep your forward momentum.
Most of all, be patient Deanna.
Wishing you well.
Yes, I understand the adapting to our own situation, maybe I didnt explain myself correctly. Since day one of our separation we agreed to co parent the best way we could for our kids, and we have done so, I’m just scared that since we are still talking (even though Im trying to avoid conversations about us) and im keeping it friendly, that he will take it as if im still begging sort of. Thats were I was confused on how LRT could adapt in my situation when we are co parenting. I was able to schedule an appointment for a therapist which Im doing for myself to learn to live more freely and enjoy more. Im taking baby steps.
Hi Deanne, thanks for clarifying, and yes I absolutely was so sure you were 100 % focused on your children’s needs in these unsettling times and truly want only the best for them.
I can understand your fear there. It’s not easy. Your whole world has turned upside down.
As you relax more, I am sure that will help things. Anxiety can be kind of catchy and people have a radar. Keep it short if that helps. This relaxed and natural you, is the one he fell for.
Good on you for getting to your therapist, that’s the place to heal anxiety. I also recommend MarK Grant’s app on the Apple Store and Android called Anxiety Release. It’s based on EMDR.
Take care and thanks for sharing your baby steps with us, Deanne. Others will relate I am sure.
Yours in Service Philipa