It’s Not About The Glass… Or Is It?

Why This Is How Your Marriage Ends Hits Home

By Philipa Thornton, Relationship Psychologist & Imago Couples Therapist
President, Resource Therapy International

If I could hand every couple I see one book to read before the wheels fall off, This Is How Your Marriage Ends by Matthew Fray would be high on the list.

Not because it is full of fluffy romantic advice. Not because it gives you a 5-step formula to “fix” your partner. But because it gets painfully real, surprisingly funny, and devastatingly accurate about what actually erodes love.

And spoiler alert – it is not the big betrayals or dramatic moments. It is the empty glass left on the bench after you have asked – again – for it to be put in the dishwasher.


📖 Featured Book: This Is How Your Marriage Ends by Matthew Fray

This is how your marraige ends a hopeful approach to saving relationships by matthew fFray
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Click here to get your copy on Amazon


The Glass Isn’t The Problem – It’s What It Symbolises

Fray knows this because he lived it. A man who lost his marriage not in one catastrophic moment, but through hundreds of tiny, seemingly insignificant moments of “not getting it.” He thought he was a good husband. He was a good guy. But good intentions do not equal good impact.

The book opens with the story of the glass, how his wife asks him to put his used glass in the dishwasher. He doesn’t. She stops asking. And if you’ve ever had a partner, this hits you square in the chest. We all have our ‘glass’.

You can see both sides: the person who thinks “it’s just a glass, what’s the big deal?” and the partner who feels dismissed, disrespected, and unseen – again.

Fray writes with wit and self-deprecating charm, and beneath the humour lies something deeper: a call to wake up to how our everyday behaviours either build trust or slowly dismantle it. There’s hope here.

We Haven’t Been Taught How To Relationship

One of the most refreshing aspects of this book is that Fray doesn’t shame anyone. Instead, he shows us that most of us simply haven’t been taught the skills we need to do relationships well. This fits in with Imago Relationship Coaching beautifully –

  • We assume love is enough
  • We assume good intentions matter most
  • We assume that if something doesn’t make sense to us, it shouldn’t really matter

That – Fray argues – is where so many of us go wrong.

It is this lack of empathy in action that leads to resentment, disconnection, and heartbreak.

What I Love, And What I Recommend

As a couples therapist, I see this dynamic play out in session after session. It is rarely “infidelity”, “money”, or “sex” that is the true issue, though they may be symptoms.

The underlying cause is often this exact pattern Fray describes:

  • One partner raises a concern (e.g. the glass)
  • The other minimises it (“It’s not a big deal”)
  • The first feels dismissed, not heard
  • The cycle repeats
  • Resentment builds
  • Intimacy fades
  • And finally, someone says, “I just can’t do this anymore”

Fray writes in a way that is particularly accessible, especially for men and anyone who struggles to see how their good intentions can still cause harm. His voice reminds me of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson, and the relationship wisdom of The 5 Love Languages.

I especially offer this book to the men I coach who want to understand the nuances – what went wrong, and how to get it right moving forward. It invites insight and ownership, and it does so without shame or blame. It opens up reflection in a way that is honest and transformative.

You will laugh, and you will cringe. You might want to throw the book across the room (especially if your partner is reading it and starts underlining passages). But more than that, you will see yourself, and that is what makes this book so powerful.

Final Thoughts, And A Gentle Invitation

What Fray learned the hard way is something many of us need to learn, ideally before we lose what matters most. It is not just about putting the glass in the dishwasher. It is about showing that your partner’s feelings matter. That their needs matter. That they matter.

And yes, we can learn that.

Whether through books like this, or guided support such as our Imago workshops, therapy, or intensives, healing is possible – and deeply rewarding.

Because maybe – just maybe – this is how your marriage begins again.

Happy reading !

Why Trauma-Informed Couples Therapy Is the New Gold Standard – And How You Can Lead the Change

I am sure you see it, you hear it – in your therapy rooms, online – worldwide, one issue keeps showing up, and showing up hard: trauma.

Unhealed childhood wounds, nervous system shutdowns, and attachment ruptures are driving conflict, disconnection, and despair in modern relationships. As therapists, we witness couples struggling to love each other through the pain of their pasts.

Too often, we are left wondering: How do I help them heal together, not just survive apart?

That’s exactly what Healing Trauma, Restoring Connection, is here to answer.

🧠 The Heart of the Problem

Trauma, especially developmental or relational trauma, does not stay in the past. It lives in the present moment.

In tone of voice. In body posture. In the silence after a sigh.

When couples are trauma-triggered, logic disappears, and love is no longer safe. They move into fight, flight, freeze, flop or fawn. Your therapeutic tools need to meet them there.

🛠️ This Is Where Real Change Begins

That’s why we’ve created a transformational two-day workshop designed specifically for psychologists, couples therapists, and trauma-informed practitioners:

Healing Trauma, Restoring Connection
📅 November 8–9, 2025
📍 Crows Nest Community Centre, Sydney
🕘 9.00 am – 5.00 pm each day

This is not just another CPD box to tick. This is the kind of professional development that changes your practice, and your confidence forever.

Led by Canadian trauma expert Maureen McEvoy, this workshop blends cutting-edge neuroscience, attachment theory, and parts-based therapy with experiential exercises and real-world skills. You’ll explore how to:

  • Identify trauma responses in relational conflict
  • Use co-regulation to create safety in the session
  • Integrate Imago, PACT, EFT, and creative approaches like art therapy
  • Work with disorganised attachment and somatic cues
  • Apply structured interventions that restore connection, not just communication

👩‍🏫 Why Maureen?

Maureen McEvoy is one of Canada’s most respected trauma clinicians, a Certified Advanced Imago Therapist, and an acclaimed educator at the Justice Institute of British Columbia. With 30+ years of experience and a heart as steady as her clinical wisdom, Maureen brings warmth, clarity, and humour to even the heaviest topics.

💡 Your Invitation to Step Forward

If you’ve been craving more confidence in trauma work…
If you’re ready to go beyond theory and into embodied skills…
If you want to bring depth and safety into the therapy room—consistently, safely, creatively…

This is your moment, dear couples therapists, couples curious psychologists, and counsellors.

🎟️ Super Early Bird: $895 until 30 June 2025 Standard $1195
📩 To register, email Philipa or visit resourcetherapy.com.au

🛑 Spaces are limited, and this is Maureen’s only Australian appearance in 2025.

Because the world needs more therapists who can hold trauma with courage, and guide couples back to each other.

? June Monthly Challenge – Share Kindness ? ?

Welcome back to the Marriage Works Monthly Challenge Series. This is really a call to action to encourage share your positive parts to the world. This is for you no matter what your relationship status.

This month as we start to unfurl from lockdown’s, COVID 19 restrictions I ask you to share your kindness.

For some of us, this will be anxiety-provoking, possibly overwhelm, for others of us it may be a relief.

Whatever your reaction is, know it is all within the normal range to an abnormal situation.

Our partners can have their unique reactions to this so please be mindful and generous to their experiences.

So please share kindness. ?

I am a kiwi at home in Sydney (New Zealander for those who don’t know the euphemism). Being from a small town Thames it’s natural to say Hi and smile at folks when we are out and about. This can be such a goodwill gesture and often rewarded in kind.

Start with small.

Sometimes we have the opportunity to do more. I have had a friend who unexpectedly ended up in hospital. She called and I was able to get her clothes, supplies, feed her cat Izzy and support her. She is out now of danger and things are improving thank goodness.

Here’s the YouTube Marriage Works Channel video on Sharing kindness ? Hear how I responded when a lady got anxious and told me off at the mall.

Here is the link https://youtu.be/kc_tMcscQu8

As I believe a joy shared is doubled and you will inspire others with your positive deeds. It’s feel-good all round.? ?

PS. Love to hear how your kindness sharing went, please drop a comment in the box below. Please pass on to others who may benefit.? ?

My Husband, My Baseline. Here’s Why..

Last updated on March 1st, 2020 at 01:29 pm

Chris, my spouse is my standard for love and kind treatment. He is my lauchpad for care and respect.

In my rooms I see couples, lone partners and singles all striving for love.

Many times there’s a struggle to find self worth, value and a belief in ourselves as deserving of a loving happy relationship.

Things go off into the ditch.

This is when our negative patterns show up in partnerships.

We use the idea of a maximiser – the one who demands and speaks up. They are like the hailstorm and pour down harder to be heard.

Hailstorm Thunder of words can be overwhelming. This is a maximiser trait.
Hailstorm Thunder of words can be overwhelming. This is a maximiser trait.

On the flip side is the minimiser. Their pattern is withdrawal. We call these guys the Turtle. They pull back into their shells protectively.

The turtle or tortoise withdraws to protect and minimise, usually invoking more thunder and hail!
The turtle or tortoise withdraws to protect and minimise, usually invoking more thunder and hail from the maximiser!

Whey I say this to couples they nod knowingly. They usually know whether they are a turtle or a hailstorm in their partnership.

I saw John Aiken pointing out this very dynamic on Married At First Sight. Boy what a hothouse for explosivity. Makes for TV ratings. I love that we are talking about relationships.

Time outs can protect us from the danger zone of escalation.

This dynamic becomes problematic when it goes off road in the ditch.

When harsh words are said against ones character, foul language and escalation happen.

We can quickly go to the danger zone.

While time outs are a useful tool and necessary tool. It’s vital we learn newer, safer, supportive ways of connecting and communicating.

Danger zone, the frontal lobe is off line we are coming form our reptilian brain. Attack and defend come naturally as our biology kicks in.
Danger zone, the frontal lobe is off line. We come from our reptilian brain. Attack and defend naturally occurs as our biology kicks in.

That’s why I coach couples dialogue in my sessions. So your can find a part to help you get your needs met.

You get real world skills to apply in your relationship when the sparks fly.

If a partner comes alone, I always will extend an invitation to attend. Some come, some don’t. Sometimes it’s a new beginning or the next stage in their partnership.

One gentleman I saw for 10-12 sessions solo, by the end of our work they were happily engaged. Gorgeous pictures of roses, rings and romance. Ah love my work!

Ah happy days wedding bliss loving couple

Occasionally my radar goes up where I hear contempt and threats. I gently query how the person feels on the end of this – this is the marker and what if any repair happens.

When there are excuses, blame and no accountability, I get concerned.

While I totally believe people can change. The proviso is they must want the change for themselves.

Danger zone relationship abuse

It’s usually then I point to a picture of us on our wedding day and say this is Chris. He would never say $%$^ to me. I have haven’t ever heard him use foul language apart from the rare stubbed toe expletive.

Chris wouldn’t ever say or treat me in that way. I trust him to support me and have my back. While we may not agree on everything, it’s all up for negotiation.

No he’s not an angel but he is good, kind and acts with restraint. Guess who’s the turtle here!

Respect is a cornerstone in a healthy relationship and it’s important we restore it quickly when it’s lost. No one’s perfect!

You are welcome to use Chris as a baseline too!

Ask yourself if there is a person or partnership you admire. Would they act that way, or say that ?

Perhaps we can require more of ourselves and our partners as we learn and grow together. Go gently and live fully. Yours in gratitude Philipa xox

Getting the Love You Want – Couples Workshop

I have just spent the last 3 days with my husband Chris attending a Character growth Imago workshop. This was with Advanced Imago Therapist Brenda Rawlings of The Imago Institute of New Zealand See here https://www.relationships.co.nz/about-us/

Now we are in luck Sydney folk!

The Couples Retreat – a 2 day weekend is here! Brenda and husband Peter are offering the Getting the Love You Want Couples workshop. Up the road in lovely Crows Nest.

https://youtu.be/L6oIU7XnDd8

Here is the link to https://www.relationships.co.nz/couples-workshop-dates-fees/ to secure your spot.

We can definitely recommend this workshop. Indeed it saved us from the brink. Please do yourself a favour and get the love you want. Your partnership is worth putting in a 2 days effort !

Couple Coaching Helps -Don’t Leave It Too Late!

The best thing you can do for your relationship health and well being is to come in early. Relationships can be repaired. It is so much easier and quicker to learn new ways or communicating and relating before hard core patterns of hurt set in. Waiting for change won’t work and the alternative where there is a breakdown or a crisis like an affair will double or even treble the time, energy and money you will have to channel into your couple therapy.

Not only does all the research confirm this commonsense tells you the truth here. Come in before your spouse says they don’t love you or it’s over.

Why wait for that pain?

Perhaps you have already heard those words. Come in and improve your partnership today I have a quick 4 minute video here encouraging you to take action and save yourself heartache and pain plus money !

Make the call today – take action!

You want this to be a beautiful version of your future – look at this couple.

Live in love together to a ripe age and stage having fun in your marriage.
Live in love together to a ripe age and stage having fun in your marriage.

How our break up fixed my Relationship…

I want to share something personal – this is a huge thing for me to put on the website being a very private person. Yet I am a great believer in being real and honest. Chris and I went through some tough times earlier this year. We had come to a place of separation.

Broken hearts need healing help

It was over as we were wanting different things from the relationship.

Marriage is an Institution and investment in each other
Marriage

I am traditional and believe in the institution of Marriage – hence the name Marriage Works – right! Of course you can be totally committed partners without it. I am no Marriagist. Chris having been divorced was not bothered by matrimony.

I am glad to say we did work things through and are happily back together in a more powerful and deeper connection than ever.

Plus we got married on November 3rd 2018, a happy day all round!

The Bride and Groom - Chris and Philipa got hitched!
The Bride and Groom – Chris and Philipa got hitched!

What helped was us going and seeing a couple therapist and working through our sticking points. Being a client and learning about myself has always improved my therapy game. I could not believe how anxious I was going to every appointment. I definitely have a bucket load more compassion having had the counseling experience. Our good therapist really turned things around. Thank you!

Togetherness side by side in your recovery journey will get you there couple-260899_1920
Togetherness side by side

What also was incredibly useful was a couple therapy workshop called  Getting the Love you Want – Couples Weekend Workshop  Clink on the link.

Getting the Love You Want!
Getting the Love You Want!

Brenda and Peter hold these workshops in Sydney, Melbourne and Auckland New Zealand. In the weekend we learnt so much about each other and it offered us a way forward in hope with our love.

I am passionate about couples learning to connect and heal this can happen in the therapy room. The bonus is you get to take the learning and techniques into your life.

Look up and see the light and move away from misery and pain
Look up and see the light and move away from misery and pain

Using it as a therapy tool I have seen partner’s change in 90 minutes as they see and get their spouses angst in a hearfelt way. It’s different to the old ways of communicating which lead to hopelessness and desperation.

I recommend it to all my couples and friends! It is coming very soon 8/9 December so give your self the best gift every – a healthier, happier relationship for the two of you.

Find a beacon of light and hope here
Find a beacon of light and hope here

I need your help with The Last Resort Technique…

The Last Resort Technique page has offered hundreds of people hope and help when their spouse has dropped the proverbial bomb-shell – ” I’m leaving you.”

Obviously this is a devastating time and if this is where you are at in your marriage you can find assistance here :Help me I need the Last Resort Technique Weblink

Broken hearts need healing help
Broken hearts need healing help

Having you all write in and share your heartfelt journey is very special to me – a big thank you.

For a while now I have been wanting to respond further and have added the Utube video on the LRT here Marriage Works Utube Channel

Often people who contact me want a personalised response to their situation and a guide through the LRT. Due to my busy schedule that is not always possible.

Heal heartbreak with the Last Resort Technique Workbook coming soon!
Heal heartbreak with the Last Resort Technique Workbook coming soon!

So I want to help you with my experience and offer you a workbook. I thought I would reach out and ask – what help do you want from a Last Resort Workbook?

Would it be more on Step 1. Or how to find a life in Step 2 or could it be how to have the patience needed in Step 3 and keep hope alive.

Please send me a comment below – I would really be thankful!

From the New York Times – how a pooch saved this relationship…

Maura Lammers divulges how her partner’s finding of Pudge, the rescue dog kept her and her long term partner from separating.

Posted in the New York Times Modern love – Pudge will Keep us together.  Maura details how this pooch strengthened their bond and brought them closer.

It’s a lovely piece. Perhaps you have a story about your pet? Please share your experiences.

Chris and I love our rescue cat Taneis

unconditional love cannot be overestimated. So cute!
It’s not puppy love, unconditional love cannot be overestimated. So cute!

ha to bits. She is 16 years old and still going strong. She’s on my lap as I write this the little darling. She offers unconditional love and it is so nice to stroke her soft fur and hear a purr emit from her belly. The simple things!

Taneisha The Resource Therapy Cat
This is the gorgeous Taneisha my rescue cat.

Please add your story below in the comments section. Love to see pictures too.

Looking to Improve Your Marriage? Adopt a Dog

Last updated on January 17th, 2019 at 09:27 am

Doggy Love -The Joys of a sharing together.
Buying a dog in any relationship is a huge step. That’s because it essentially means you’re adding a new family member. It’s a responsibility that should not be taken lightly. A lot of thought, research, and careful planning needs to go into choosing a special pet. It’s always a smart idea to make lists of the pros before running to a shelter and grabbing the first dog you see. After careful consideration, you’ll find that a dog is a great asset to any marriage and any family.

What a great pair, think of the fun you can have choosing and caring for your dog! What a great pair, think of the fun you can have choosing and caring for your dog![/caption]

Shopping Together for the Dog
Before you pick out a dog for your relationship, you’ll need to do some planning. This helps to make sure that everything goes smoothly and there’s no unexpected hiccups or arguments later on. Do your research on what type of dog you’d like to add to your home. Different breeds have different wants, needs, and activity levels. Find a reputable dog shelter or breeder, choose dog food that fosters their growth, toys for fun and learning, and dog treats that are healthy.

Dogs Can Save Your Marriage
If you’re having problems in your relationship or marriage, adding a dog may just be what the doctor ordered. Dogs can help save a marriage because it gives both people involved something positive to focus their energy on. Dogs also provide love to a relationship that may be struggling. They’re an outlet for positive energy and something that couples can focus their time on together.

Picking Out a Dog is a Bonding Experience
Choosing a dog, their food, their toys, and everything else is a bonding experience in itself. Couples can come together and learn a little bit about each other by learning what type of dogs and characteristics each other fancies. When a couple decides on what type of dog they’d like to adopt, they can make a day out of getting things ready for the dog. Not only does this entail picking out supplies and creating a safe place at home for the dog, it also means picking out the dog itself. Couples get a chance to meet different dogs in a small room or while going for a walk. This helps them find the one that is right for their family.

More Fun Activities For Couples Thanks to  Our Dogs
If you are looking to improve your marriage, simply add a dog. That’s because if you are having marriage troubles, you’re most likely bored, frustrated, or unhappy with the routine that you’re stuck in. A dog can fix this because it completely changes your life. Instead of waking up, going to work, making dinner, and going to bed; there are now new possibilities. You can bond in the following ways with your spouse and the dog:

  • By going for a walk to see the scenery
  • Going for a hike anywhere that’s dog-friendly
  • Taking a trip to the dog park
  • Cuddling up together on the couch The three of you cuddling, laughing and loving together. The three of you cuddling, laughing and loving together.

This breaks that routine that married couples feel they were stuck in. Dogs mean that everyday will be something different for you and your spouse. If you’re ever feeling frustrated, take some time alone with the dog.

Dogs Give Love Which in Turn Creates More Love

In conclusion, dogs provide love. If you’re marriage is struggling, it might be because it’s lacking love. A dog can come along and change everything. They can show that they have so much love to give which, in turn, can inspire you and your spouse. Dogs are also happy creatures. It’s hard to be upset when there’s a happy, panting, tail-wagging friend that is waiting for you every day. Overall, dogs can boost your morale, give you hope, and inspire you to do better not just in your marriage but in all aspects of your life.

This piece is written by Professional dog walker – Bruce Dwyer. He also runs dog treats business at https://www.healthydogtreats.com.au/. He strongly believes in having a dog to improve your marriage.

dog health is important

Thanks ever so much Bruce for your guest contribution, dogs can be our guides for unconditional love, a truly wonderful thing.

We love all animals at Marriage Works and I am Grandma to Tyson the Staffy!

My Grand doggy Tyson the Staffy is 5! My Grand doggy Tyson the Staffy is 5!

Have a helpful contribution you want to make ? Please contact me philipathornton@gmail.com

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