relationships – Marriage Works

Your Attachment Style and the Success of Your Relationship: An Imago Therapy Perspective

The relationships we experienced in early life profoundly shape how we connect with others in adulthood. As an Imago Relationship Therapist, I often see attachment styles as the foundation for understanding relational dynamics. Imago therapy beautifully integrates attachment theory, helping couples transform their connection by uncovering how childhood experiences influence their patterns of love.

Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where your partner felt emotionally unavailable? Or perhaps you’ve felt drained by a partner’s constant emotional demands? These patterns can leave you questioning yourself, wondering, “Why can’t I make relationships work?”

The answer lies in attachment theory, one of the most impactful frameworks in relational psychology. Imago therapy builds on this by exploring how unconscious dynamics from childhood play out in adult romantic relationships. By understanding and healing these patterns, you can create the secure, loving relationship you long for.

The Attachment Urge and Your Relationship Dynamics

In Imago therapy, we view romantic relationships as opportunities for healing childhood wounds. When your attachment system is activated, it’s often because your partner unknowingly mirrors unmet needs or painful memories from your early caregivers.

Ask yourself:

Were your caregivers emotionally available, inconsistent, or neglectful?
Who did you turn to when you were upset as a child?
Did you feel seen, heard, and valued—or left to fend for yourself?

These early experiences form your attachment style, shaping how you relate to romantic partners. There are four main adult attachment patterns, and understanding yours is key to shifting your relationship dynamics.

Attachment Styles in Imago Therapy

Attachment theory identifies secure and insecure attachment styles, each influencing how we navigate love.

Secure Attachment:
If your caregivers were responsive and attuned to your needs, you likely developed a secure attachment style. Secure individuals approach relationships with confidence, openness, and a belief that their partner will be there for them. Imago therapy supports couples in cultivating this security, even if it wasn’t part of their early experience.
Anxious Attachment:
Inconsistent caregiving often leads to anxious attachment, where individuals feel unsure about their partner’s availability. They may seek constant reassurance or cling to their partner, fearing abandonment. Imago therapy helps anxious individuals soothe these fears by fostering emotional safety and connection.
Avoidant Attachment:
Neglectful caregiving can lead to avoidant attachment, where individuals prize independence and struggle with vulnerability. They often keep their partners at arm’s length. Imago therapy gently challenges avoidant partners to open up, creating a safe space for emotional intimacy.
Disorganized Attachment:
Trauma, chaos, or abuse in childhood often leads to disorganized attachment. These individuals fear closeness but also crave it, resulting in a push-pull dynamic in relationships. Through the Imago dialogue process, couples can unpack these patterns and rebuild trust.

Healing Attachment Wounds Through Imago Therapy

The good news? Attachment styles are not fixed. With awareness and intentionality, you can shift toward secure attachment. Imago therapy offers a structured, compassionate approach to this transformation.

Here’s how:

Awareness: By identifying your attachment style and recognising how it plays out in your relationship, you gain clarity about your triggers and patterns.
Conscious Choices: Imago therapy encourages you to choose behaviours that build connection, even when old fears arise.
Reparenting: Through loving, responsive interactions, you and your partner can “reparent” each other, healing wounds from the past.
Safety: The Imago dialogue process fosters emotional safety, allowing both partners to feel seen, heard, and valued.

Choosing Connection Over Fear

Unhealthy relationship patterns often feel familiar because they echo our early experiences. Imago therapy invites couples to move beyond these unconscious reenactments, creating a relationship that feels both exciting and secure.

For those seeking love, choosing a partner with a secure attachment style—or working to develop security together—can profoundly impact your relational satisfaction. Healing doesn’t mean never feeling triggered; it means having the tools and support to navigate those triggers together.

Recommended Resources for Deeper Connection

If you’re curious about attachment and how it influences your relationship, consider these essential reads:

Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt is the cornerstone book of Imago therapy, offering insights and exercises to transform your relationship.
Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson: Learn how to use attachment principles to strengthen emotional bonds.
Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller: A primer on attachment styles and how they play out in adult relationships. Excellent for those on the dating apps.
Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin: A neurobiological approach to building secure, lasting relationships.

Your attachment style doesn’t define your destiny—it’s a starting point for growth. With awareness, effort, and the right support, you can rewrite your love story and create a relationship where you and your partner thrive.

Remember, your past may shape you, but it doesn’t have to limit you. In the safe container of an Imago relationship, healing and connection are always possible.

Love to learn about your adventures. Especially if you have attended a Getting the Love You Want workshop. Great to know what happened for you both.

By Philipa Thornton, Psychologist & Advanced Imago Relationship Therapist

Exploring Sex, Love & Goop – Imago Lens: Increasing Intimacy

As couples navigate the ebb and flow of relationships, sexual intimacy often becomes an area of disconnection and frustration. For many, this is less about physical compatibility and more about the emotional and psychological barriers that prevent deeper connection. As we know in Imago the romantic love stage of relationship inevitable draws to a close and we enter the power struggle.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Netflix series, Sex, Love & Goop, provides a refreshing approach to addressing these issues, making it a valuable resource for couples seeking to revitalize their sex lives.

From an Imago Therapy perspective, this series resonates deeply because it’s not just about sex—it’s about emotional healing, understanding, and connecting with your partner at a more profound level. Let’s explore how Sex, Love & Goop aligns with the principles of Imago Therapy and why it’s worth watching if you’re looking to enhance intimacy in your relationship.

Understanding Sexual Intimacy as a Path to Healing

Imago Therapy teaches us that relationships are a place for healing childhood hurts and unmet needs. Often, conflicts in a relationship—particularly around sex—are not really about the present moment but are rooted in deeper, unconscious wounds from the past. Sex, Love & Goop echoes this by showing how unresolved emotions and unspoken needs can affect sexual intimacy.

In the series, couples work through their emotional barriers, learning how past experiences influence their present-day sexual relationships. This mirrors Imago’s core belief that by understanding your partner’s wounds—and how your behaviour might trigger them—you can create a more empathetic, healing space. The series encourages couples to view intimacy as a journey of mutual healing, where vulnerability and communication are key.

The Power of Dialogue in Building Connection

One of the pillars of Imago Therapy is the Imago Dialogue, a structured conversation that helps couples communicate in a way that fosters understanding, validation, and empathy. Sex, Love & Goop highlights the importance of open communication around sexual desires and emotional needs, which is essential for creating a satisfying sexual connection.

The couples in the series are guided through discussions that go beyond the surface, encouraging them to share their deepest fears, desires, and insecurities. This process of sharing and truly hearing each other is at the heart of Imago work. Couples who watch the show will likely feel inspired to start their own dialogues about intimacy, which can bring them closer emotionally and physically.

Reconnecting Through Safety and Vulnerability

Imago Therapy emphasizes the importance of creating safety in relationships, particularly when it comes to vulnerability. In Sex, Love & Goop, couples explore how fear, shame, or past trauma might be preventing them from experiencing deeper intimacy. The series teaches that sexual satisfaction is closely linked to emotional safety—when partners feel safe with each other, they can be more vulnerable, and that vulnerability leads to greater intimacy.

This mirrors the Imago belief that healing comes from being vulnerable with your partner and knowing they will respond with empathy and love. The show encourages couples to see their relationship as a safe space for exploration, both sexually and emotionally. This is a powerful lesson for any couple, as it reinforces that intimacy is not just about physical pleasure—it’s about emotional closeness.

Exercises to Strengthen the Connection

One of the most practical aspects of Sex, Love & Goop is the inclusion of exercises that couples can try at home. These exercises, like guided touch and body mapping, are designed to foster connection, communication, and trust. From an Imago perspective, these exercises can be seen as tools for creating attunement between partners.

In Imago, we focus on helping couples become more attuned to each other’s emotional and physical needs. The series offers couples the opportunity to practice this attunement through exercises that deepen their understanding of each other’s bodies and boundaries. Whether you’ve been together for years or are just starting out, these practices encourage a mindset of curiosity and mutual discovery, which is essential for long-term sexual satisfaction.

Take the Step Toward Greater Intimacy

If you and your partner are struggling with intimacy or looking for ways to deepen your connection, Sex, Love & Goop offers a compassionate and enlightening look at what it takes to build a satisfying sex life. From an Imago Therapy perspective, this series provides valuable insights into how unresolved emotional wounds and poor communication can impact sexual intimacy—and how healing these wounds can bring you closer.

For those ready to take their intimacy journey even further, my friend Sophie Slade, an Imago Master therapist, is offering a transformative live workshop in Sydney Nov 2024. Sophie, along with her partner, runs this workshop and openly shares their own story of rediscovering their sexual selves as a mature, loving couple. Through their journey, they have found a new, exciting way to connect both emotionally and physically, and they invite other couples to do the same.

This workshop is perfect for couples who are ready to break through barriers to intimacy, reignite their passion, and deepen their emotional connection.

You’ll learn how to create the safety and vulnerability necessary for authentic sexual expression, guided by two people who have walked this path themselves. Sophie’s warmth, wisdom, and expertise make this an unmissable opportunity for any couple looking to take their relationship to the next level.

Don’t miss this chance to experience the profound changes that come with reconnecting to your partner—and yourselves—in a way you may never have thought possible.

Secure your spot now, and let Sophie and her partner guide you toward a more passionate, fulfilling, and intimate relationship.

Click the link here for Increasing Intimacy Weekend Program with Sophie and David. Please say Hi!

Now or Never for 2024

Hello, beautiful committed couples – super excited to be sharing Imago Relationship’s premier program for partnerships. Your last chance to save as the early bird rate ends this Friday 6th Sept and I don’t want you to miss out.

Open to all pairings, LGBTQIA + supportive as the tools are so practical. Jump in now and gift you and your loved one this unique and special opportunity. We joke (however, it’s true) that this two-day program is the equivalent of 10-12 therapy sessions. Like who has the time, anyone? Imagine fast-tracking your connection within a weekend. Plus, the bonus is both of you each get the workshop manual to use moving forward.

Email me today or call me.

Understanding the Imago Relationship Therapy Model for Partnerships

Why Choose Imago as a Brief Relationship Coaching Model?

Our childhood, particularly our relationships with our parents and significant others, profoundly shapes our personalities and relationships in adulthood.

Imago Relationship Therapy, a holistic and structured therapeutic approach, uses this concept to support couple growth and connection. Designed to help couples reduce conflicts and improve their relationships, the Imago Model delves into early influences of our personality parts and how we can adapt for a new, healthier partnership with good tools and guidance.

What Is Imago Therapy?

Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt developed Imago Therapy in the 1980s. The term “Imago” is Latin for ‘image,’ reflecting the idea that people are attracted to partners who mirror both the positive and negative traits of their childhood caregivers. As you can see we are drawn to seek and improve ourselves.

The theory acknowledges that early life experiences shape our understanding of love and safety. As adults, we unconsciously seek partners who resemble our parents, hoping to fulfil the unconscious image of love formed in our childhood.

Imago Therapy aims to help individuals address unresolved childhood issues and needs, making partners aware of how these experiences influence their current relationship dynamics. So when our partner is running late and hasn’t called us, our adult part can support us rather than our child part feeling abandoned. Or we can know our partners needs for reassurance come from their parents inability to tune into our unique aspects of ourselves. This is supremely freeing for both parties as you can imagine.

The therapist is your coach and guide, having completed many years of training. An Imago certified relationship psychologist will be using Imago both professionally and personally. Chris and I as a husband and wife team found this got us out of the hole we were stuck in. It’s a tried and true psychological method of relationship transformation for us. This is why we are so passionate sharing Imago with you!

The Core Principles of Imago Therapy

The Imago Therapy model is built on five fundamental principles:

Reimagining Your Partner as holding hurt from the past: Understanding your partner’s vulnerabilities rooted in their childhood experiences.
Rekindling Romance: Engaging in activities like giving gifts, surprising your partner, and appreciating each other to revive the romance in your relationship.
Transforming Disappointments and Frustrations: Converting complaints into constructive requests.
Managing Intense Emotions: Seeking solutions together to manage feelings. Learning to self-care and reset your nervous system from fight/flight/freeze responses and reactivity. Towards a calm and composed way of being, allowing us to reconnect with our rational thinking brain.
Re-envisioning Your Relationship: Viewing your relationship as a source of Joy, satisfaction, and safety.

Techniques in Imago Therapy

Imago Therapy employs various structured techniques to help couples reduce conflict and reconnect:

The Imago Dialogue: This structured process helps partners understand each other’s perspective better. During sessions, one partner shares their thoughts and feelings while the other listens without interruption, fostering a calm safe space for open and non-judgmental communication.
Mirroring: One partner reflects the words and emotional tone of the other without adding interpretation or judgment. This technique enhances understanding and allows for clarity. Offering you and your partner the opportunity to feel deeply heard and seen.
Empathy and Validation: These are crucial components of Imago Therapy. Through guided exercises, couples learn to empathise with each other’s experiences, validate their feelings, and respond with compassion rather than defensiveness, deepening their emotional connection. This is revitalising, as we are acknowledged and attuned to with care and kindness by our loved ones.
The Parent-Child Dialogue: Partners discuss their childhood experiences and feelings towards their parents or caregivers, leading to a better understanding of each other’s behaviours and needs. This offers a distance from past hurts and potential healing in the present.
Behaviour Change Requests: Partners take turns expressing what they would like their partner to improve, framed in a kind, and empathetic manner rather than the usual arguments with frustration or anger. Promoting conflict resolution in a safe environment.

Is Imago Therapy an Effective Short-Term Approach?

While research is limited, existing studies suggest that Imago Relationship Therapy is an effective approach for couples. A randomised control study the gold standard of research conducted by Gehlert, Schmidt, Giegerich, Luquet (2017) found that 12 weeks of Imago therapy for couples in distress seeking marital treatment was linked to improvements in relationship satisfaction. Their results demonstrated that individuals receiving Imago Relationship therapy showed statistically significant increases in marital satisfaction. Couples in the control group remained at the same level of distress.A qualitative study of meaningful data exploring 12 people of African and American heritage’s experience after completing Imago education/ Their data analysis saw improved communication between partners, increased understanding of self and partner, and their childhood experiences impact the relationship.

You and your partner sharing from your heart

We all deserve love and connection.

Why Choose Imago?

The Imago Model is a structured therapeutic approach designed to improve relationships by addressing the significant impact of early childhood experiences. It employs various techniques, such as the Imago Dialogue, behaviour change requests, and parent-child dialogue, to facilitate communication and connection among partners. Research supports its effectiveness in enhancing communication and relationship satisfaction.

At Marriage Works, we are committed to helping couples navigate the complexities of their relationships with tools like Imago Therapy. By understanding and addressing the roots of relationship dynamics, we aim to foster deeper connections and lasting satisfaction in partnerships.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this,

With love and light Philipa and Chris.

References

Harville and Helen. What is Imago?
Martin TL, Bielawski DM. What is the African American’s experience following Imago education?. J Humanist Psychology. 2011;51(2):216-228. doi:10.1177/0022167809352379
Gehlert NC, Schmidt CD, Giegerich V, Luquet W. Randomized controlled trial of Imago relationship therapy: Exploring statistical and clinical significance. J Couple Relationship Therapy. 2017;16(3):188-209. doi:10.1080/15332691.2016.1253518

Additional Resources

Goodtherapy.org. Imago relationship therapy. 2018.
Harville and Helen. What is imago?.
Reichlin, B. Imago dialogue: Building great communication. 2018.
Hendrix, H. Getting the love you want: A guide for couples. Henry Holt & Company, New York. 1988.

How to Tell When Your Loved One Needs Help for Addiction

A huge thanks to Bethany Hatton for our guest article on addiction:

ADrugRehab.org states, “Addiction is tricky and calculating, and it’s the only disease that can take more than one person down with it, if it is left unchallenged. Addiction dramatically alters the lives of not just the addicted person, but of everyone within his or her vicinity, namely family and friends.”

Addiction in Australia

Millions of Australians are affected by drug addiction and alcohol dependency, either directly or indirectly. There are dozens of different drugs that can have a significant impact on a person’s life. ABC reports that the number of drug overdose deaths in the country has risen to the highest levels in nearly 20 years. It can be difficult, however, to determine if your loved one has a drug problem because different drugs have different symptoms, and people react to drugs in ways unique to them.

Identifying a substance abuse problem

Addiction to anything, whether it is drugs, sex, gambling, or food, can leave a person feeling socially isolated. According to ReachOut.com, a few social signs of a substance abuse problem include:

Avoiding non-users becoming isiolated
Feeling uncomfortable when unable to access their drug of choice
Lying
Relationship problems
Job loss
Going into debt to fund habit
Stealing

Other indications include:

Anxiety attacks
Irritability
Poor attention span
Depression, often severe
Impotence
Declining health, specifically heart problems
Psychosis

If you suspect that a friend or family member has an alcohol or drug problem, the first step is to help them recognize and admit it. Understand that you cannot force them to undergo treatment, but they may be more willing to get help if they are sure that they have a strong support network. Once they are willing to consider treatment, reach out to their doctor or healthcare provider.

The end goal of drug treatment is for the user to have the self-control their use if possible or to avoid taking drugs in the first place. But quitting cold turkey can be very tough and is often not a good idea. Withdrawal, the body’s response to craving a specific substance, can have debilitating symptoms including high blood pressure, anxiety, and shakiness. A person with an addiction to alcohol or a benzodiazepine, such as Valium, may even be at risk of death due to a sudden shock to the system if they quit using unexpectedly. The National Drug & Alcohol Research Centre in Sydney reports that opiate withdrawal, which was previously believed to be non-life-threatening, can result in death due to dehydration caused by vomiting and diarrhea.

Approaching an addicted person

Opening up a line of communication is an important part of helping your friend or family member seek treatment for their addiction. PositiveChoices.org.au explains that you must prepare ahead of time, however, before beginning the conversation about substance abuse. Gather information about the drug and decide exactly what you want to say about how you feel that the drugs have affected your loved one’s life. Come at them with compassion but be ready for some push back and negative reactions. More than anything, stay calm and be willing to listen to what they have to say. If you are intimidated or believe approaching them on your own may put you at risk, have a friend, family member, or mental health professional join you. You could also work with other close friends or family members to stage an intervention.

Type of treatment

There are dozens of residential treatment centres throughout Australia and even more outpatient facilities that can help. Long-term treatment, those programs designed to last between six and 12 months, offer 24-hour care and begin with a thorough medical detox. Community counselliing and support groups are also of offer.

Throughout treatment, patients are taught both how to live independent of chemical dependency and how to reenter society in recovery. The type of treatment your friend or relative seeks will be dictated by number of factors including their willingness to undergo treatment, time constraints, and finances.

For more information on alcohol and drug treatment, contact the Alcohol and Drug Foundation at 1300 85 85 84, your doctor or a psychologist. If it is a life-threatening emergency, call 000 or seek immediate medical intervention.

There are lots of resources out there to help you and your family members affected by drug or alcohol or other addictions — There are lots of resources out there to help you and your family members affected by drug, alcohol or other addictions

Happy Easter from Down Under 2018!

Last updated on April 16th, 2018 at 11:40 am

In Australia we are approaching Easter, a significant religious holiday for many. While I am do not belong to any church custom, I do a respect folks observances and their special traditions associated with this holy time.

When we were kids in New Zealand our TV stations played the Biblical hits. Truly this was this (with the greatest respect) where I received my religious education.

Watching Charlton Heston part the Red Sea in the 1956 tribute The Ten Commandments, was awe inspiring and still is.

Charlton Heston with Ronald Reagan. He played a great Moses — Charlton Heston with Ronald Reagan. Mr Heston played a great Moses, I look forward to seeing him again.

I will be getting the DVD down from the shelves. Yes I own it.

Despite not coming from a Christian background I do believe the Ten Commandments area useful guide to live by. — Despite not coming from a Christian background I do believe the Ten Commandments are a useful guide to live by.

Easter isn’t just about eggs and chocolates. Yes I do indulge in the brown delicious sweet!

Easter eggs are a fun and yummy chocolate treat.

I like to use it a a time for reflection.

It is a time where I am not working. What has passed in my life, people, habits or old beliefs? The death of things that not longer support me or help me grow. These can be a simple as changing an exercise routine.

It is an opportunity to bring about change with the ‘rising’. I ask how can I encourage and support myself and others to be their greatness? What works do I need to achieve in my mission of service?

How would you apply this to your relationship?

What do you need to do inspire for your partner? Is there anything you can do to enliven your partnership? Put some thought into it. Love to hear what you came up with and how it helped. Pop a comment in the box below.

With love and light,

Philipa

Chocolate Lindt Bunny anyone? — Bunny Love xox

Husbands Who Help Get More Bedroom Action Study Finds

Last updated on February 12th, 2015 at 01:37 pm

Cloth Clips Alessandra Favetto alessandrafavetto.com — Research shows men – more chores you do, more sex you get. Photo credit: Alessandra Favetto, Spain

This morning I spoke to John Stanley and Garry Linnell of 2UE’s breakfast show on this very topic – the division of labour in the household. Interestingly Garry said he actually does most of the housework.

He is more enlightened than most, as around 70% of household duties in a partnership are still performed by women.

Research to the rescue, guys – Neil Chethik’s study VoiceMale: What husbands really think about their marriages, their wives, sex, housework and commitment found the more housework husbands did, the more sex they were having with their wives. De Facto couples do not despair, as I imagine similar correlations are apparent as men perform more household duties – please let me know if this is the case.

Curious to think what may be behind this? Perhaps as women are freed up from the kitchen sink it brings out their wild side. Or they may have more energy to offer up in the bedroom?

So guys the sum of this is the more chores you, do the more sex you will get!

Read on for help if you are stuck in a hopeless battle in the chore wars in your relationship. Continue reading Husbands Who Help Get More Bedroom Action Study Finds

Will you make this the Silly Season?

Last updated on February 12th, 2015 at 01:30 pm

I write that question as a challenge and want to know how you might answer.

It is December 2014 – Christmas time. Many parties and celebrations are planned.

They do call it the silly season. Office drinks can turn into impromptu embraces and stolen kisses under the influence and more (read between the sheets!).

What I want to know is how will you protect your marriage from a whoops moment that felt good at the time but now fills you with regret or worse confusion.

Be aware and hold onto your integrity. Read on for ideas on how to do this please click here… Continue reading Will you make this the Silly Season?

Is blame helping you deal with the affair or your relationship?

Last updated on February 12th, 2015 at 01:26 pm

It’s not unusual to feel a need to blame your ex-partner for a relationship that ended or your current spouse if there has been a breach in the relationship say in the case of an affair.

The problem with taking this position is it keeps you stuck and unable to move forward.

Blame is a negative, heavy emotion that will sink your happiness and block possibilities for recovery.

Blame keeps you connected to either the past marriage or the current hurt. It blocks healthy healing and learning.

Maybe this is sounding a little like where you are right now or you know of a good friend, your sister who’s only focus is on their partner’s wrongs ?
While they may have a good point you are past hearing about it and feel stuck and powerless also.

So what if you are ready to change and move beyond the blame cycle? Please read on by clicking here… Continue reading Is blame helping you deal with the affair or your relationship?

Marriage Works now has more counselling appointments on offer!

Last updated on February 12th, 2015 at 12:46 pm

Believe or not seeking professional marital help is becoming the preferred option earlier and being acknowledged as best practice by our federal leaders.

The government has recognised this and committed a budget of $20 million dollars in a relationship-strengthening trial program to prevent divorce and separation.

I’m all for strengthening relationships!

As of now, July 2014 you can visit http://www.dss.gov.au/our-responsibilities/families-and-children/programs-services/stronger-relationships-trial

Where the Department of Social Services is offering a one of $200 payment for couple to for counselling and education session.

There are 100,000 therapy sessions, open to all committed couples be they married for years, or seeking pre-marriage counselling, are newlyweds, defacto couples, and is non discriminatory being open for same-sex couples.

Tag: relationships

Your Attachment Style and the Success of Your Relationship: An Imago Therapy Perspective