Hello and welcome to April, we here in Australia are starting to notice it’s darker earlier and the sun rises later for our autumn. In Japan it’s spring time the magical bursting forth of sakura -cherry blossoms.
Sakura – cherry blossoms open and say yes to the bees to bear fruit
This month I am inspired by the movie starring Jim Carey – The Yes Man. Jim plays a negative nelson saying no to everything. He has an awakening at a self help seminar and starts saying yes a 100 percent of the time. He gets a promotion, he gets the girl and we get some laughs along the way.
So I want to challenge you to say YES! With enthusiasm, and guilt free. The only proviso is it must do no harm to either yourself or your loved ones. I know you know what I mean. Act out of your integrity and values. We know from the tons of research out there in positive psychology having a positive mental attitude allows us to be bold and blossom like the cherry blooms.
Not the autumn hues of Sydney!
So the monthly April challenge is for you to say Yes and apply this yes in your relationships.
So if your spouse asks you to clear the table, you say Yes wholeheartedly and do it. This will be especially powerful if you say yes and have taken a while to follow through in the past.
If your partner wants intimacy – respond affirmatively bring in enthusiasm and gain stress relief and aliveness in your marriage.
When your children ask for help on their homework respond with yes and go straight to their side. No excuses really show up. You don’t need to know exactly what to do but be present and work together. Valuable.
With the Yes you have to make the action to back yourself up.
Join us in the Monthly Challenge – begin with your first Yes today.
Love to hear your experience, ideas and feedback on your progress, I will check in.
Please leave a comment and why not share this with your partner or a friend.
I have had this very question a lot. So I have recorded a video here for all you LRTer’s. This is especially for those of you who are experiencing the distress of separation and want to make a good go at repair.
Phillipa’s advice on the LRT.
Please like, comment and share if you think this could benefit a friend in need.
Hi there Philipa here, as the March monthly challenge nears to an end I wanted to check in. Recall I encouraged you to learn your partners connection vocabulary? The goal was to discover their two favourite dialects and speak their mother tongue.
I have been both slack and had the opportunity. Chris’s birthday is in March. He got the presents he asked for and more. I know he loves receiving a birthday card – in the mail. So I made sure I posted it in time for him to get to the letterbox. I spoke gifting.
He was great in that he told me what he wanted. You can’t expect your partner to read your mind. That’s a total set-up for let down. He let me know in advance what gifts he wanted, where he wanted to celebrate and even the cake he wanted. He is a darling! I talked actions of service and gifting.
I spoke to Chris using his vernacular Love for his birthday!
His other language words of affirmation I was not so great on. Writing this column reminds me.
A quick reminder of the 5 Love actions:
Words of Affirmation.
Acts of Service
Gifts
Physical Touch
Quality Time
Show your partner your love
Love to hear how your Love patter went with your partner. Did you notice your spouse responding? Perhaps it felt good to give? Comment below and I will respond. Thanks for taking the time to read. Philipa
Have you ever felt stuck in a rut? Your alarm propels you out of bed at 6.30, you jump in the shower and get dressed then head off to work. You peck your partners cheek running to catch the bus. It’s still dark, autumn is looming.
Routine equates to boredom and this is no where more evident than in a relationship. We are beings who are drawn to novelty – evidence suggests that’s how affairs can start.
How would it be to bring back that spark of joy from the early days of your partnership? Remember the times you spent having fun and sharing the adventure of each other.
And the first day of March is a fine day to do it! Of course any day that brings you and your spouse closer by your actions is a winner!
Recall Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages:
Words of Affirmation. Use your words to build your partner up. Praise them for being them. Here’s my suggestion : I admire you…. add your insider knowledge of your partner’s special talents and thought actions. Verbalize ( text is OK for now but I want you to repeat it in face to face) your magical feelings for both you and your partners benefit.
Gifts. A well chosen gift can be super touching to your mate. It shows you know them intimately and you were thinking of her or him. Watch the ahh in your partners face. Again it’s a win/ win for your connection. Flowers are the fallback here. This love language is related back to our hunter gatherer days.
Acts of Service.Doing something for your spouse that you know they will truly resonate with. Guys for a lot of women that is going to be you bringing in the laundry, jumping up to clear the table, getting in the laundry and washing dishes. Oh how I adore Chris for slaying those dust bunnies with Rowenta our French vacuum cleaner. When I come home I feel a sense peace has been restored in my world, thanks to my thoughtful husband. Aaahhh. Smiley Face.
Quality Time. Focus your love spotlight on your lover! Turn the TV off, phones on silent and check in to your other half. Look them in the eye, ask them how their day was and let them see you lean in to be super present. A tiny 15 minute investment will pay massive dividends, if your partners love vocabulary is Quality Time. The secret is undivided attention to your lovemate.
Physical Touch. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, sex or the squeeze of a partner’s shoulder gently as you pass are all physical expressions of love.
Kiss, kiss! Touch is powerfully bonding. Keep your relationship alive and reach out.
Know the real magic happens when you start giving your partner their gift in their desired love language.
Think back in your marriage and get a sense of what your partner primarily responds to. Identify which of the five Love Languages calls their heart towards you. Choose one or if you are an overachiever two to inspire your love.
Roar praise for your partner!
Does their face light up as you walk in the door with flowers and tickets to a show? Or do they put the bouquet down and reach to pull you close? Maybe they tell you they’d like to spend more time with you. Or you have heard how good a they are at affirming you or the children. You will see a theme and know.
When you speak your lovers code they will feel closer and more engaged in your relationship.
I want to stress it’s a gift, so drop any expectations of a return. Otherwise you will likely struck with a slap of ouch by the disappointment Panda. I am riffing off Mark Manson’s book – The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck a counter-intuitive approach to living a good live. There’s a gift if they like presents and are a reader.
Decide to be generous as you refresh your relationship from the first of the Month.
I would like you to do this as if you are an undercover agent. It’s OK if you get found out, just no letting the cat out of the bag so to speak. Your special person must experience this as a gift. So let them unwrap your present.
Repetition and reinforcement gets results. Maybe you could keep it up for the whole of March, as we know sustained action encourages results. A daily dose of love, what could be better?
So join the Marriage Works Monthly Challenge – learn your partners number 1 and 2 love language and become a love whisperer.
I’d truly love to hear your experience, what you did, what worked, what tanked and how you felt? So please post your results and reflections. I will respond to you. Drop comment in the box below as your wisdom helps others. Thank You!
Welcome to the New Year, already a few days in and I am still in holiday mode, so have been relaxing and enjoying a rest. I do hope you and your loved ones are recharging.
Dolphins are good at celebrating life.
Its got a revitalizing feel to it 2019. I am still formulating this years plan. It will include taking Resource Therapy to London, England, a wedding in Suffolk and our annual trip to Bali. Yay!
So excited, we have booked our tickets back to New Zealand, for my Aunt Judy and Uncle Robin’s 50th wedding anniversary their golden anniversary. They are babies though in the longevity stakes – My Aunty Faye and Carl are the leaders coming in for their diamond jubilee – 60th wedding anniversary. Diamonds come from the Greek word adamas which means unconquerable and enduring. So right on all counts.
60th Wedding Anniversary the Diamond. Well done Aunty Faye and Carl!!
Longevity in relationships does matter. It’s no wonder I came up with the name marriage works. Both Chris and I come from a long line of stayers in that department. And why we want to help others in their relationship dilemma’s.
We had a beautiful relaxed New Years eve enjoying the company of good friends old and new. Watching the glorious Sydney harbor fireworks display come midnight. There was champagne, a small feast and dancing!
We hope you had a lovely start to the year. It felt special as our first Christmas as husband and wife. Sending all those first Christmas holiday season mothers, fathers and spouses my very best wishes. Super special!
To all the first year mums and dads a big smile!
Thanks ever so much to all our clients and supporters of Marriage Works in 2018. We really appreciate you and love hearing from you. Blessings and wishing you an awe inspiring start to 2019.
I want to share something personal – this is a huge thing for me to put on the website being a very private person. Yet I am a great believer in being real and honest. Chris and I went through some tough times earlier this year. We had come to a place of separation.
It was over as we were wanting different things from the relationship.
Marriage
I am traditional and believe in the institution of Marriage – hence the name Marriage Works – right! Of course you can be totally committed partners without it. I am no Marriagist. Chris having been divorced was not bothered by matrimony.
I am glad to say we did work things through and are happily back together in a more powerful and deeper connection than ever.
Plus we got married on November 3rd 2018, a happy day all round!
The Bride and Groom – Chris and Philipa got hitched!
What helped was us going and seeing a couple therapist and working through our sticking points. Being a client and learning about myself has always improved my therapy game. I could not believe how anxious I was going to every appointment. I definitely have a bucket load more compassion having had the counseling experience. Our good therapist really turned things around. Thank you!
Brenda and Peter hold these workshops in Sydney, Melbourne and Auckland New Zealand. In the weekend we learnt so much about each other and it offered us a way forward in hope with our love.
I am passionate about couples learning to connect and heal this can happen in the therapy room. The bonus is you get to take the learning and techniques into your life.
Look up and see the light and move away from misery and pain
Using it as a therapy tool I have seen partner’s change in 90 minutes as they see and get their spouses angst in a hearfelt way. It’s different to the old ways of communicating which lead to hopelessness and desperation.
I recommend it to all my couples and friends! It is coming very soon 8/9 December so give your self the best gift every – a healthier, happier relationship for the two of you.
The Last Resort Technique page has offered hundreds of people hope and help when their spouse has dropped the proverbial bomb-shell – ” I’m leaving you.”
Having you all write in and share your heartfelt journey is very special to me – a big thank you.
For a while now I have been wanting to respond further and have added the Utube video on the LRT here Marriage Works Utube Channel
Often people who contact me want a personalised response to their situation and a guide through the LRT. Due to my busy schedule that is not always possible.
Heal heartbreak with the Last Resort Technique Workbook coming soon!
So I want to help you with my experience and offer you a workbook. I thought I would reach out and ask – what help do you want from a Last Resort Workbook?
Would it be more on Step 1. Or how to find a life in Step 2 or could it be how to have the patience needed in Step 3 and keep hope alive.
Please send me a comment below – I would really be thankful!
A spouse relationship can be the most intimate, warm, and beneficial relationships you ever have. However, being that close to someone inherently opens you up to heartache. Being close to someone requires vulnerability and openness. When that vulnerability and transparency are abused or betrayed, this can lead to intense pain and grief.
Grief can make you turn away but the best way to heal is to turn toward each other
However, when a relationship is worth saving , worth fighting for, (and most are people!) forgiveness and healing is the key to getting things back on track. Forgiveness can restore a broken relationship and help you find that place of happiness and harmony once again.
Love heals hurts – you are worth it!
The problem comes when the pain and grief are still too raw. Forgiving can be extremely difficult when the hurt caused can’t be forgotten. Today, we are going to share with you ways that you can move toward a restored relationship through forgiveness, even when you can’t forget.
Begin by Believing
The first step in any significant change happens within your mindset. If you do not believe that something can happen, chances are, you will not truly invest all that you can to try and make it happen.
It is essential that you begin by believing that rebuilding is possible. Elsewhere on the MarriageWorks.com.au blog, you will find an excellent piece about this very topic.
Heal your hearts together and grow your love
They offer some much-needed hope for people struggling with reconciliation after a spouse has betrayed their trust. On their blog, they say that with professional help, reconciliation is not only possible, but it is also probable.
When you sincerely believe that something is possible, those positive thoughts will inspire positive actions. And what is rebuilding but a series of positive actions encouraged by positive thinking?
Even if rebuilding your marriage is not possible, believing that forgiveness that moving on and enjoying life again is possible will go a long way in helping you reach those goals.
Stop Trying to Forget
When a spouse hurts us, the pain can seem unbearable at times. Since they are often our closest friend, our spouse can hurt us more than anyone else. Dwelling on this pain can be extremely damaging, however trying like mad to forget can also be detrimental.
The way our brains work, trying to forget rarely works. Often, actively attempting to get rid of a memory will lead to that memory cement itself in our brains. And in the case of pain and heartache, that is the last thing that you want.
Broken hearts can be mended – take heart
Sometimes people will work themselves into a rut where they try to forget; the memory comes back, they try to ignore it, the memory reasserts itself stronger yet. This leads to intense frustration and can drag out the healing process for much longer than necessary.
So, stop trying to forget. Stop focusing on the wrong and turn your attention to the things that bring you joy. The memory will fade away in time, but not if you are always trying to forget it.
Forgive for Yourself First
Forgiveness is a powerful thing. Studies have shown that people who forgive often can lead happier, healthier, and more productive, meaningful lives. Is that the kind of life you want to live? I think most of us would have to say ‘yes.’ We all want to have abundant lives that make a difference and allow us to enjoy the moments that we are here on earth.
Keep your heart open
Often forgiveness is viewed as something we must do so for the benefit of the person who wronged us. However, if you shift your perspective and realize that forgiveness has perhaps more to do with your quality of life than anything else, you will begin to see that not only is forgiveness important, it is vital to you living the life that you want to live.
A life free from bitterness, a life that releases the hurt and pain, is a life that is enjoyable to live. Forgiveness is the path to this kind of life. But if you can’t forget, remember that you owe it to yourself to forgive so that you can live the best life that you possibly can.
Remember, Forgiveness is a Choice, Not a Feeling
There are many things in life that we may not feel like doing. However, we do them, knowing that they are the right thing to do. Sometimes, forgiveness is one of those things.
Forgiveness gives you true freedom to move forward and heal.
If you are waiting for a feeling to come before you forgive, chances are you will be waiting for a long time. Instead, take the proactive approach and choose forgiveness even if you may not feel like it.
Final Thoughts
There are few things as painful as a broken relationship. However, our goal today was to provide you with some hope, knowing that forgiveness is possible.
Another thing to keep in mind is that professional guidance is sometimes needed. For most of us, this kind of heartbreak is all brand-new territory. Having someone with the experience and training to guide you through the process can make a world of difference.
Note: Many thanks to Danielle over at RP Emery Legal Kits for sharing these tips with us. Protecting yourself ahead of time before getting into any new relationship is always a good idea.
Togetherness side by side in your recovery journey will get you there.
Love to hear your thoughts, feelings and experiences on this topic please add comment in the box below.
It’s a lovely piece. Perhaps you have a story about your pet? Please share your experiences.
Chris and I love our rescue cat Taneis
It’s not puppy love, unconditional love cannot be overestimated. So cute!
ha to bits. She is 16 years old and still going strong. She’s on my lap as I write this the little darling. She offers unconditional love and it is so nice to stroke her soft fur and hear a purr emit from her belly. The simple things!
This is the gorgeous Taneisha my rescue cat.
Please add your story below in the comments section. Love to see pictures too.
