Why This Is How Your Marriage Ends Hits Home
By Philipa Thornton, Relationship Psychologist & Imago Couples Therapist
President, Resource Therapy International
If I could hand every couple I see one book to read before the wheels fall off, This Is How Your Marriage Ends by Matthew Fray would be high on the list.
Not because it is full of fluffy romantic advice. Not because it gives you a 5-step formula to “fix” your partner. But because it gets painfully real, surprisingly funny, and devastatingly accurate about what actually erodes love.
And spoiler alert – it is not the big betrayals or dramatic moments. It is the empty glass left on the bench after you have asked – again – for it to be put in the dishwasher.
📖 Featured Book: This Is How Your Marriage Ends by Matthew Fray
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The Glass Isn’t The Problem – It’s What It Symbolises
Fray knows this because he lived it. A man who lost his marriage not in one catastrophic moment, but through hundreds of tiny, seemingly insignificant moments of “not getting it.” He thought he was a good husband. He was a good guy. But good intentions do not equal good impact.
The book opens with the story of the glass, how his wife asks him to put his used glass in the dishwasher. He doesn’t. She stops asking. And if you’ve ever had a partner, this hits you square in the chest. We all have our ‘glass’.
You can see both sides: the person who thinks “it’s just a glass, what’s the big deal?” and the partner who feels dismissed, disrespected, and unseen – again.
Fray writes with wit and self-deprecating charm, and beneath the humour lies something deeper: a call to wake up to how our everyday behaviours either build trust or slowly dismantle it. There’s hope here.
We Haven’t Been Taught How To Relationship
One of the most refreshing aspects of this book is that Fray doesn’t shame anyone. Instead, he shows us that most of us simply haven’t been taught the skills we need to do relationships well. This fits in with Imago Relationship Coaching beautifully –
- We assume love is enough
- We assume good intentions matter most
- We assume that if something doesn’t make sense to us, it shouldn’t really matter
That – Fray argues – is where so many of us go wrong.
It is this lack of empathy in action that leads to resentment, disconnection, and heartbreak.
What I Love, And What I Recommend
As a couples therapist, I see this dynamic play out in session after session. It is rarely “infidelity”, “money”, or “sex” that is the true issue, though they may be symptoms.
The underlying cause is often this exact pattern Fray describes:
- One partner raises a concern (e.g. the glass)
- The other minimises it (“It’s not a big deal”)
- The first feels dismissed, not heard
- The cycle repeats
- Resentment builds
- Intimacy fades
- And finally, someone says, “I just can’t do this anymore”
Fray writes in a way that is particularly accessible, especially for men and anyone who struggles to see how their good intentions can still cause harm. His voice reminds me of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson, and the relationship wisdom of The 5 Love Languages.
I especially offer this book to the men I coach who want to understand the nuances – what went wrong, and how to get it right moving forward. It invites insight and ownership, and it does so without shame or blame. It opens up reflection in a way that is honest and transformative.
You will laugh, and you will cringe. You might want to throw the book across the room (especially if your partner is reading it and starts underlining passages). But more than that, you will see yourself, and that is what makes this book so powerful.
Final Thoughts, And A Gentle Invitation
What Fray learned the hard way is something many of us need to learn, ideally before we lose what matters most. It is not just about putting the glass in the dishwasher. It is about showing that your partner’s feelings matter. That their needs matter. That they matter.
And yes, we can learn that.
Whether through books like this, or guided support such as our Imago workshops, therapy, or intensives, healing is possible – and deeply rewarding.
Because maybe – just maybe – this is how your marriage begins again.
Happy reading !
