July 2025 – Marriage Works

💔 When Something Breaks Between You: Why Relationship Ruptures Can Feel Like Trauma

By Philipa Thornton | MarriageWorks.com.au

You may have seen the viral kiss-cam clip from a Coldplay concert. A couple is caught on screen. Instead of leaning in, they freeze. Pull away. Their faces say it all—shock, fear, panic.

Social media lit up with theories. Was it an affair? A secret? A mistake caught live?

As a couples therapist, I saw something deeper:
A trauma response.
A nervous system overwhelmed.
A moment where the body said, “This is not safe.”

Because when trust is broken—publicly or privately—it can feel like an emotional earthquake.

🧠 Betrayal, Infidelity, and Secrets Can Mimic PTSD Symptoms

You do not need to go to war to experience trauma.
You only need to feel helpless, unsafe, or deeply hurt.

In relationships, this can look like:

Flashbacks or obsessive thoughts about what happened
Difficulty sleeping or eating
A constant feeling of walking on eggshells
Feeling numb, frozen, or overly reactive
Panic, dread, or emotional shutdown when triggered

These are not “overreactions”—they are your nervous system trying to protect you.

💬 “Why Can’t I Just Get Over It?”

I hear this all the time in my practice.
You may love your partner and still feel unsafe.
You may desperately want to move forward—but feel stuck in replay, confusion, or mistrust.

That is not weakness.
That is a trauma wound, calling for care—not criticism.

Whether it was a betrayal, infidelity, emotional withdrawal, or a rupture you cannot name—your pain is valid. And repair is possible.

🪷 The Healing Power of Therapy and Couples Work

When a relationship injury happens, many couples do not know how to repair it, especially when both are hurting.

That is where therapy or a workshop can help you:

Understand and name what happened (and what it meant to each of you)
Learn how to regulate intense emotions and triggers
Rebuild emotional safety, one interaction at a time
Create new ways of connecting with honesty and care

Therapy provides a safe, structured space for your nervous systems to settle—and for your hearts to open again.

💛 Your Pain Is Real. And So Is the Possibility of Repair.

If the kiss-cam story hit a nerve for you…
If you are still carrying the aftershocks of betrayal, secrecy, or silence…
Please know this:

You are not broken. And you are not alone.

With support, couples can navigate even the deepest pain toward trust, truth, and emotional reconnection.

If you are ready to begin, Chris and I are here.

Reach out today by calling or emailing us. We are here for you.

It’s Not About The Glass… Or Is It?

Why This Is How Your Marriage Ends Hits Home

By Philipa Thornton, Relationship Psychologist & Imago Couples Therapist
President, Resource Therapy International

If I could hand every couple I see one book to read before the wheels fall off, This Is How Your Marriage Ends by Matthew Fray would be high on the list.

Not because it is full of fluffy romantic advice. Not because it gives you a 5-step formula to “fix” your partner. But because it gets painfully real, surprisingly funny, and devastatingly accurate about what actually erodes love.

And spoiler alert – it is not the big betrayals or dramatic moments. It is the empty glass left on the bench after you have asked – again – for it to be put in the dishwasher.

📖 Featured Book: This Is How Your Marriage Ends by Matthew Fray

This is how your marraige ends a hopeful approach to saving relationships by matthew fFray — T

Click here to get your copy on Amazon

The Glass Isn’t The Problem – It’s What It Symbolises

Fray knows this because he lived it. A man who lost his marriage not in one catastrophic moment, but through hundreds of tiny, seemingly insignificant moments of “not getting it.” He thought he was a good husband. He was a good guy. But good intentions do not equal good impact.

The book opens with the story of the glass, how his wife asks him to put his used glass in the dishwasher. He doesn’t. She stops asking. And if you’ve ever had a partner, this hits you square in the chest. We all have our ‘glass’.

You can see both sides: the person who thinks “it’s just a glass, what’s the big deal?” and the partner who feels dismissed, disrespected, and unseen – again.

Fray writes with wit and self-deprecating charm, and beneath the humour lies something deeper: a call to wake up to how our everyday behaviours either build trust or slowly dismantle it. There’s hope here.

We Haven’t Been Taught How To Relationship

One of the most refreshing aspects of this book is that Fray doesn’t shame anyone. Instead, he shows us that most of us simply haven’t been taught the skills we need to do relationships well. This fits in with Imago Relationship Coaching beautifully –

We assume love is enough
We assume good intentions matter most
We assume that if something doesn’t make sense to us, it shouldn’t really matter

That – Fray argues – is where so many of us go wrong.

It is this lack of empathy in action that leads to resentment, disconnection, and heartbreak.

What I Love, And What I Recommend

As a couples therapist, I see this dynamic play out in session after session. It is rarely “infidelity”, “money”, or “sex” that is the true issue, though they may be symptoms.

The underlying cause is often this exact pattern Fray describes:

One partner raises a concern (e.g. the glass)
The other minimises it (“It’s not a big deal”)
The first feels dismissed, not heard
The cycle repeats
Resentment builds
Intimacy fades
And finally, someone says, “I just can’t do this anymore”

Fray writes in a way that is particularly accessible, especially for men and anyone who struggles to see how their good intentions can still cause harm. His voice reminds me of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson, and the relationship wisdom of The 5 Love Languages.

I especially offer this book to the men I coach who want to understand the nuances – what went wrong, and how to get it right moving forward. It invites insight and ownership, and it does so without shame or blame. It opens up reflection in a way that is honest and transformative.

You will laugh, and you will cringe. You might want to throw the book across the room (especially if your partner is reading it and starts underlining passages). But more than that, you will see yourself, and that is what makes this book so powerful.

Final Thoughts, And A Gentle Invitation

What Fray learned the hard way is something many of us need to learn, ideally before we lose what matters most. It is not just about putting the glass in the dishwasher. It is about showing that your partner’s feelings matter. That their needs matter. That they matter.

And yes, we can learn that.

Whether through books like this, or guided support such as our Imago workshops, therapy, or intensives, healing is possible – and deeply rewarding.

Because maybe – just maybe – this is how your marriage begins again.

Happy reading !

How Your Couples May Be Getting Stuck & What You Can Do About It

Last updated on July 11th, 2025 at 09:19 am

If you work with couples, you know the feeling.

You’ve introduced great tools. You’ve taught active listening, mirroring, and validating. You’ve helped them identify their cycles.

And yet… something still feels stuck.

One partner keeps shutting down. The other grows more reactive.

You’re managing emotional flare-ups, dissociation, blank stares – and despite your best efforts, it feels like you’re not getting to the root of the issue.

Sound familiar?

You are not alone.

Whether you are a seasoned couples therapist or new to relational work, these challenges are increasingly common. We know this from the ACES studies and neuroscience advances – trauma is everywhere. And they are often not a sign of clinical inadequacy, but of something deeper: unmet trauma showing up in the room.

That is why trauma-informed couples therapy is not just a buzzword – it is becoming an essential skillset for every therapist who works with relationships.

When Talk Therapy Is Not Enough

The traditional communication-based models – like Imago, EFT, Gottman, or PACT – are powerful. But when a client’s nervous system is overwhelmed by unresolved trauma, insight alone often does not land.

That is when you see:

Looping arguments that never resolve
One partner freezing or becoming flooded
Outbursts that seem out of proportion to the topic
Sessions where you leave drained or uncertain

This is where trauma-informed, body-aware approaches can create real shifts.

As trauma specialist and senior Imago therapist Maureen McEvoy says:

“When we integrate nervous system awareness and parts work into our couples sessions, we meet people where they are – not just where we want them to be.”

Why This Workshop Is A Must-Attend

We are thrilled to welcome Maureen McEvoy (Canada) to Sydney this November for a rare two-day workshop designed specifically for couples therapists:

🧠 Healing Trauma, Restoring Connection
🗓️ 8–9 November 2025 | 📍 Crow’s Nest Community Centre, Sydney
🌐 Book now to avoid disappointment

This is Maureen’s only Australian appearance in 2025, and it is a chance to learn directly from one of the field’s most integrative, compassionate, and experienced trainers.

She brings over 30 years of experience in:

Imago Relationship Therapy (Certified Senior Advanced)
Sensorimotor Psychotherapy
Somatic Experiencing
PACT
Creative approaches such as art therapy
Justice Institute trauma counselling education
Clinical supervision and therapist mentoring

Whether you are Imago-trained, PACT-oriented, EFT-inspired, or creatively curious, this training will enrich your practice.

Trauma healing. How Your Couples May Be Getting Stuck – And What You Can Do About It

What You Will Learn

In two experiential, practice-rich days, you will explore how to:

Work safely with trauma activation in the couple space
Identify trauma responses like freeze, fight, and dissociation in session
Use somatic and parts-based techniques to reach stuck clients
Integrate co-regulation tools and nervous system language into your framework
Support both partners while staying grounded and present yourself
Combine Imago, EFT, PACT, and other approaches through a trauma-informed lens

This workshop is not just about information – it is about transformation.

You will walk away with practical skills, renewed confidence, and a fresh sense of what is possible in your couples’ work.

Who It’s For

💪 You’re a couple’s therapist who has hit roadblocks in sessions
💪 You want to integrate body-based and trauma-informed tools into your relational work
💪 You feel a calling to deepen your presence and precision with complex couples
💪 You crave a training that is warm, experiential, and deeply practical

This training is open to therapists of all models and modalities. And if you are newer to couples work? It is the perfect foundation to build your confidence from the ground up.

Bonus Benefits

🟡 A beautiful Sydney weekend
Enjoy time with colleagues, connect with the Imago and wider therapy community, and take a tax-deductible CPD trip to a fabulous city.

🟡 Connection & Collegiality
Maureen’s teaching style is warm, inclusive, and collaborative. You will learn in a space where your experience is valued, and your questions are welcomed.

🟡 Practical Tools You Can Use Right Away
You will leave with worksheets, practices, and somatic tools ready to bring into your next session.

Final Places – Register Now

🎟️ Early bird price: $995 (ends 31 August)
💳 Standard price: $1195 AUD from 1 September

This event is hosted by Philipa Thornton and Chris Paulin, wife and husband co-directors of the Australian Resource Therapy Institute. We are proud to bring this rare opportunity to the local community, and we look forward to welcoming you.

🌿 Secure your place now and transform your couple’s work from stuck… to healing.

Re-Romanticising Your Relationship: Why Fun and Pleasure Matter

One of the most joyful concepts in Imago Relationship Therapy is re-romanticising. This concept involves intentionally reviving the spark, appreciation, and playfulness that often fade in long-term relationships.

If you have ever thought, “We love each other, but the fun has disappeared,” you are not alone.

Life gets busy. Stress, work, parenting, and emotional disconnection can take their toll.

But the good news is that connection and joy can return when we put intention behind our actions.

What Is Re-Romanticising?

In Imago Relationship Theory, re-romanticising is about reawakening positive energy in your relationship. It is not about grand gestures or manufactured romance. It is about making small, consistent choices that help your partner feel seen, valued, and loved.

Think of it as a return to those early days when everything felt exciting. But this time, you are doing it with deeper understanding and intention. You choose connection, even when it does not come easily.

Why Fun Is Foundational

One of the most overlooked ingredients in a healthy relationship is fun. Playful moments help us bond, regulate stress, and remember why we chose each other in the first place.

In our Marriage Works couples sessions, we often hear things like:

“We do not laugh together anymore.”
“We have lost our spark.”
“Everything feels like a to-do list.”

If this sounds familiar, it might be time to prioritise joy again. That can look as simple as:

Dancing in the kitchen
Sharing a funny memory or an inside joke
Sending a flirty message midday
Taking a walk without your phones
Playing a silly board game or card game

Joy is not frivolous. It is fuel for emotional safety, resilience, and intimacy.

Bringing Pleasure Back

Another part of re-romanticising is reconnecting physically and emotionally through pleasure. In long-term relationships, physical intimacy can become routine or even disappear altogether.

When we lose playfulness, desire often fades too. But pleasure can be a powerful way to reconnect. Not just sexually, but in all five senses. Holding hands. Making eye contact. Laughing and exploring touch in a non-pressured way.

This is where tools like OMGYes can make a real difference.

What Is OMGYes?

OMGYes is a research-based platform that explores what brings women physical pleasure. Based on findings from over 20,000 people, it offers videos, interviews, and interactive touchable tools that help users explore intimacy with confidence and clarity.

It is practical, inclusive, and designed to help couples talk more openly about what feels good.

Many of the couples we see use OMG Yes as a fun, non-threatening way to start conversations about sex and connection.

It is not therapy, but it can be a helpful complement to your journey together.

Limited-Time Sale Now On

At the time of writing, OMGYes is offering a 4th of July sale. If you are curious, now is a great time to explore it. We are not affiliated. We simply love anything that helps couples deepen their connection in real-world ways. No commission here, just a desire – excuse the pun, to share the fun.

A Challenge for You

Try this: do one thing this week to re-romanticise your relationship. Choose something fun, light, and a little bit unexpected.

Focus on connection, not perfection.

And if you would like structured support with your relationship, consider joining one of our Getting the Love You Want workshops. These transformative weekends help couples heal patterns, increase safety, and bring joy back into the relationship.

Because love is not just about staying together. It is about thriving together.

Philipa Thornton, psychologist and certified Imago Relationship Therapist at Marriage Works. We help couples reconnect through the power of intention, dialogue, and fun.

Month: July 2025