Month: December 2024

Celebrating You: A Heartfelt Thank You from Marriage Works

Hello, dear Marriage Works family,

As we reflect on this year and all the incredible stories we’ve been privileged to be a part of, we want to take a moment to celebrate you. Whether you’ve walked into our sessions as a couple, joined us for a workshop, or simply sought tools to strengthen your connection, you inspire us every day. Your courage, resilience, and commitment to love remind us why we do what we do.

At Marriage Works, our passion lies in helping couples like you rediscover the joy of connection. One of the cornerstones of our work is Imago Relationship Therapy, a transformative approach that has helped countless couples move from conflict to connection. Imago teaches us that the challenges we face in relationships often have roots in our past. By addressing these unconscious patterns, Imago provides a pathway to healing and deeper intimacy.

A key tool in Imago therapy is mirroring. This is a simple yet profound practice is often a game-changer for relationships. Mirroring involves deeply listening to your partner and reflecting back on what you’ve heard. It’s not just about repeating words—it’s about creating a space where both partners feel truly seen and heard.

So often, conflict arises not because we don’t care, but because we don’t feel understood. Mirroring bridges that gap. It slows down the conversation, reduces reactivity, and fosters empathy. When couples take the time to mirror, they step into each other’s world, acknowledging emotions and experiences without judgment. It’s a relationship-saving tool that helps break the cycle of blame and defensiveness.

We’ve witnessed incredible transformations when couples embrace mirroring. Partners who once felt miles apart suddenly find themselves reconnecting, often with tears of relief and joy. It’s a reminder that communication isn’t just about talking—it’s about listening with an open heart and a willingness to understand.

But we also know that the journey isn’t always easy. Some days, it feels like love is a mountain you’re climbing, with missteps, stumbles, and storms along the way. We want you to know that it’s okay to find the journey tough sometimes. Relationships, like life, have their ups and downs. The fact that you’re here, working on your connection, shows just how strong and determined you are.

Chris and I, along with the entire Marriage Works team, want to honour your effort. We see you showing up even when it’s hard, embracing vulnerability when it feels uncomfortable, and making space for growth when the world around you feels overwhelming. These are no small feats, and we applaud your dedication to each other and your shared future.

If you’re reading this and feeling like you’re barely hanging on, please know you’re not alone. Tough times can feel isolating, but they’re also an opportunity to lean into the love and support of your partner. And if you need a little extra guidance, we’re always here to help. Whether it’s through a one-on-one session or a transformative workshop, we’re committed to walking this path with you.

As we look ahead, we’re thrilled to continue offering opportunities to grow and connect, including our ‘Getting the Love You Want’ workshops and other programs designed to help you build the relationship of your dreams. Every story we share together enriches our journey, and we can’t wait to see what the future holds for each of you.

Thank you for trusting us with your hearts and your hopes. It’s a privilege to be part of your journey, and we’re so grateful for the love and energy you bring to Marriage Works.

With warmth and gratitude,
Philipa & Chris

P.S. If you’re ready for your next step, explore our workshops or reach out for a session. We’re here to help you create a love that lasts. ❤️

Harnessing Our Brain’s Power: DBR, The Secret to Success?

In the ever-evolving field of mental health, innovative therapies are revolutionising how we address stress, trauma and emotional distress. One such ground-breaking method is Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR), a therapy that taps into the brain’s foundational processes to facilitate profound healing.

As a Level 2 trained DBR therapist and psychologist, Philipa Thornton is uniquely equipped to guide individuals on their journey toward emotional freedom and resilience. This blog explores how DBR works and why it’s a transformative option for those seeking meaningful change.

What is Deep Brain Reorienting?

Deep Brain Reorienting, developed by Dr. Frank Corrigan, is a neurobiologically informed approach that focuses on the brainstem—the most primitive part of our brain. Unlike traditional therapies that address cognitive or behavioural symptoms, DBR engages with the body’s innate healing mechanisms to resolve trauma at its core.

This therapy identifies and releases deeply stored physical and emotional imprints, often stemming from overwhelming experiences that bypassed conscious processing. These unresolved imprints can manifest as persistent anxiety, emotional disconnection, relationship issues, or chronic patterns of stress.

How Does DBR Work?

DBR involves a structured yet gentle process of reconnecting with the body’s shock sensations linked to traumatic events or moments of grave concern. Through careful guidance, and therapist attunement individuals access the brainstem’s initial response to trauma, allowing the nervous system to reorganise and reprocess these experiences. This promotes emotional release and long-term balance.

For instance, if someone carries unresolved tension from an early life event, DBR helps access and integrate these implicit memories. By working at this foundational level, the therapy fosters emotional healing that is both deep and lasting.

Who Can Benefit from DBR?

Deep Brain Reorienting offers hope for individuals who:

  • Struggle with PTSD, emotional dysregulation, or chronic fear.
  • Experience anxiety or depression tied to unresolved past events.
  • Have attachment wounds originating in early relationships.
  • Feel stuck despite trying other therapeutic approaches.

As a therapy that connects directly with the brain’s autonomic responses, DBR is particularly effective for addressing pre-verbal trauma that may be inaccessible through conventional talk therapy.

The Science Behind DBR

DBR’s efficacy lies in its grounding in neuroscience. Trauma often disrupts the brain’s natural processes, leaving individuals in a state of hyperarousal or emotional shutdown (van der Kolk, 2015). DBR targets the brain stem to restore this disrupted balance, facilitating the integration of traumatic memories and enhancing overall well-being.

What to Expect in a DBR Session

In a safe and supportive environment, clients are guided to connect with their body’s sensations tied to past trauma. This somatic focus allows for the gentle release of deeply held emotional patterns. Memory reconsolidation occurs within the session. As a certified DBR practitioner, Philipa Thornton ensures that sessions are paced to prioritise safety and emotional comfort, fostering trust throughout the healing process and offering a new perspective.

Why Choose Deep Brain Reorienting with Philipa Thornton?

Philipa Thornton brings a wealth of expertise as a psychologist and Level 2 trained DBR therapist. Her compassionate approach ensures that each client receives personalised care tailored to their unique needs. DBR’s focus on the brain’s most fundamental layers enables transformative healing beyond surface-level change.

Whether you’re navigating the aftermath of trauma, seeking relief from chronic emotional pain, or looking to break free from old patterns, Philipa’s experience and dedication make her an exceptional guide on your journey toward emotional well-being.

Begin Your Healing Journey Today

Deep Brain Reorienting offers a path to profound and lasting change. Under the expert caring guidance of Philipa Thornton, you can access the brain’s innate capacity for healing and experience greater emotional freedom.

Contact us to learn more or schedule a consultation. Take the first step toward a brighter, more balanced future.

References:

  • van der Kolk, B. (2015). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books.
  • Corrigan, F. (2020). Deep Brain Reorienting: A New Model for Understanding and Treating Trauma.
  • Corrigan, F. M., & Christie-Sands, J. (2020). An innate brainstem self-other system involving orienting, affective responding, and polyvalent relational seeking: Some clinical implications for a “Deep Brain Reorienting” trauma psychotherapy approach. Medical Hypotheses, 136, 109502.

Is It Too Late for Your Relationship? An Imago Psychologist Shares.

Have you ever wondered, if is it too late to save my relationship?

Whether you’re standing on the brink of separation, feeling emotionally disconnected, or simply stuck in patterns that no longer serve you, this question can haunt even the most loving couples. But here’s the good news: as long as two people are willing to show up, explore, and reconnect, it is never too late.

Relationships, much like life itself, are filled with seasons.

Some seasons are bursting with joy and connection, while others feel distant or fraught with challenge.

What if I told you that these challenging moments could become opportunities? By using proven methods like Imago Relationship Coaching and tools like the Last Resort Technique, you and your partner can rediscover the love that brought you together in the first place.

Let’s dive into why it’s never too late to revive a relationship and how these powerful approaches offer hope, healing, and a fresh perspective.

Why Do We Feel It Might Be Too Late?

First, let’s acknowledge the emotional exhaustion that often leads to this question. Whether it’s unresolved arguments, infidelity, or years of unspoken resentment, couples can reach a point where giving up feels easier than holding on.

There may even be a sense of defeat: “We’ve tried everything. Why bother?”

But relationships don’t falter because of a lack of love. More often, it’s because the love has become obscured beneath layers of misunderstanding, complaint, criticism,  hurt, and unhealed wounds.

This is where a fresh approach can shift everything.

Imago Coaching: From Conflict to Connection

Developed by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Imago Relationship Therapy has transformed relationships around the globe. It works on the understanding that:

  • Conflict in a relationship is not a sign of incompatibility; it’s an invitation to grow.
  • The root of many disagreements stems from unmet childhood needs or unconscious emotional triggers.
  • Lost parts that have adapted to protect us.

Imago offers couples the tools to:

  1. Communicate effectively – Instead of pointing fingers or falling into old patterns, Imago introduces the structured Intentional Dialogue technique. This allows partners to truly hear each other—sometimes for the first time in years. You’ll learn how to speak with vulnerability and listen with empathy, creating a safe space for honest connection.
  2. Understand your partner’s world – By uncovering the deeper reasons behind your reactions, you gain clarity on why conflicts happen and how to respond with compassion rather than defensiveness.
  3. Reconnect emotionally – When couples are stuck in resentment, affection and intimacy often fall by the wayside. Imago focuses on rebuilding emotional safety so partners can open their hearts again.

The beauty of Imago Therapy is its emphasis on hope.

It doesn’t matter how far apart you feel or how long you’ve struggled. If you are both willing to step into the process, healing is possible.

The Last Resort Technique: When One Partner Has Checked Out

Sometimes, one person feels done with the relationship while the other wants to fight for it. This can be a deeply painful place to be. Enter the Last Resort Technique.

Popularised in relationship coaching circles, Michelle Weiner Davis’s Last Resort Technique is a series of steps designed for situations where one partner has emotionally (or physically) checked out.

It focuses on personal growth, self-responsibility, and changing the dynamic—often sparking a shift in the relationship itself.

Here’s how it works:

  1. Stop pursuing or begging – Desperation or pushing only drives a disconnected partner further away. Instead, focus on yourself and your own well-being.
  2. Get back to being your best self – By rediscovering your joy, confidence, and individuality, you not only improve your own life but also create a more attractive and inspiring energy.
  3. Offer positive interactions – Small, kind gestures and moments of genuine connection can help shift the energy in the relationship.

This technique is about taking radical responsibility for your side of the dynamic. While it doesn’t guarantee results, it has reignited countless relationships where hope seemed lost.

A New Perspective: The Relationship as a Mirror

Both Imago Therapy and the Last Resort Technique operate on a shared understanding: relationships are mirrors. Your partner reflects back parts of yourself that need attention, healing, and growth. This perspective is powerful because it moves away from blame and instead focuses on opportunity.

What if your current struggles are not the end, but rather an invitation? What if the relationship you want is still waiting on the other side of healing?

It’s Never Too Late to Choose Love

There is no timeline for change. Whether you’ve been together for two years or two decades, the opportunity to reconnect remains. Even couples who felt utterly lost have rediscovered joy and intimacy by committing to the process.

Here’s what I often tell my clients:

It’s not about who you were yesterday; it’s about who you choose to be today.

If you’re struggling in your relationship, I invite you to consider Imago Couples Therapy or the Last Resort Technique. These approaches are not about placing blame or finding quick fixes. Instead, they offer practical tools and insights to help you rebuild understanding, trust, and love.

Take the First Step

If you’re feeling disconnected or uncertain about your relationship’s future, remember—it’s not too late. Even the smallest shift in perspective can create ripples of change.

Reach out to a qualified Imago Couples Therapist or explore resources like the Last Resort Technique. Invest in yourself, your partner, and the love you share. Because at the end of the day, love is always worth fighting for.

Are you ready to rediscover connection and joy in your relationship? Let’s start the journey together. Contact us today to learn more about Imago Couples Therapy and how it can help you and your partner reconnect in ways you never thought possible.

Your relationship deserves it. You deserve it.

Philipa Thornton,

Your Imago Relationship Psychologist and Coach.

The Power of Connection: How Imago Relationship Therapy Helps

Good communication is the heartbeat of any healthy relationship. Yet, many couples find themselves stuck in cycles of misunderstanding, conflict, or emotional disconnection, sadly.

This is where Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT) can be a game changer.

By teaching practical, science-backed tools, IRT helps couples build understanding, empathy, and a deeper connection with one another.

Let’s explore how IRT transforms communication and offer a few tips you can apply right now in your relationship—no therapy session required!

How Imago Relationship Therapy Works

At its core, IRT is about fostering empathy and connection by understanding your partner’s inner world. The therapy was developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, who discovered through their partnership many of our conflicts in relationships stem from unmet childhood needs. This fits it with Attachment research. IRT helps couples move from blame and reactivity to a place of mutual understanding and care.

One of the hallmark tools of IRT is the Imago Dialogue—a structured conversation that promotes active listening, validation, and empathy. It empowers partners to truly hear each other, free from judgment, and communicate with intention and respect.

Why Communication Matters

Couples who communicate effectively are better equipped to navigate life’s challenges, resolve conflicts, and sustain emotional intimacy.

IRT improves communication by:

  • Teaching you to listen actively without interrupting.
  • Helping you validate your partner’s feelings, even if you don’t fully agree.
  • Encouraging empathy by asking, “What’s it like to be you?”

By addressing the root causes of misunderstandings, couples can foster a safe and loving environment where both partners feel seen and valued.

Tips to Use Imago Power Tools in Your Partnership

Even without attending therapy, you can integrate some of IRT’s powerful techniques into your relationship today.

  1. The Power of Mirroring
    When your partner speaks, repeat back what you hear before responding. For example, “What I hear you saying is…” This simple act ensures your partner feels understood and can clear up any miscommunication.
  2. Practice Validation
    After mirroring, acknowledge your partner’s perspective with a phrase like, “It makes sense that you feel that way.” Validation doesn’t mean agreeing—it’s about showing empathy and acknowledgment that is how your mate sees things.
  3. Schedule Safe Conversations
    Set aside a regular time each week to discuss your feelings, needs, and concerns. Create a space where both of you can share openly without fear of criticism. We call this the zero-negativity opportunity in Imago.
  4. Turn Complaints into Requests
    Instead of saying, “You never help around the house,” try reframing with a positive request: “It would mean so much to me if you could help with the dishes tonight.” This shifts the tone from blame to collaboration. Our partners usually want to help us and this allows them to know what you are wanting. We have to use words and if they are kind we are more likely to listen and take them on board.

Stay Connected with Love in the Real World

Building a strong, connected relationship takes work, but the rewards are immense. If you’re ready to deepen your bond and learn more tools to improve your relationship, couples workshop opportunities in person and online, sign up for our newsletter, Love in the Real World. Each month, we’ll send you practical tips, insights, and resources to nurture your partnership.

Sign up here for Love in the Real World Newsletter today

Because love, when nurtured with care and intention, is one of life’s greatest joys.

Warmest wishes,

Philipa and Chris xoxo

Your Attachment Style and the Success of Your Relationship: An Imago Therapy Perspective

The relationships we experienced in early life profoundly shape how we connect with others in adulthood. As an Imago Relationship Therapist, I often see attachment styles as the foundation for understanding relational dynamics. Imago therapy beautifully integrates attachment theory, helping couples transform their connection by uncovering how childhood experiences influence their patterns of love.

Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where your partner felt emotionally unavailable? Or perhaps you’ve felt drained by a partner’s constant emotional demands? These patterns can leave you questioning yourself, wondering, “Why can’t I make relationships work?”

The answer lies in attachment theory, one of the most impactful frameworks in relational psychology. Imago therapy builds on this by exploring how unconscious dynamics from childhood play out in adult romantic relationships. By understanding and healing these patterns, you can create the secure, loving relationship you long for.

The Attachment Urge and Your Relationship Dynamics

In Imago therapy, we view romantic relationships as opportunities for healing childhood wounds. When your attachment system is activated, it’s often because your partner unknowingly mirrors unmet needs or painful memories from your early caregivers.

Ask yourself:

  • Were your caregivers emotionally available, inconsistent, or neglectful?
  • Who did you turn to when you were upset as a child?
  • Did you feel seen, heard, and valued—or left to fend for yourself?

These early experiences form your attachment style, shaping how you relate to romantic partners. There are four main adult attachment patterns, and understanding yours is key to shifting your relationship dynamics.

Attachment Styles in Imago Therapy

Attachment theory identifies secure and insecure attachment styles, each influencing how we navigate love.

  1. Secure Attachment:
    If your caregivers were responsive and attuned to your needs, you likely developed a secure attachment style. Secure individuals approach relationships with confidence, openness, and a belief that their partner will be there for them. Imago therapy supports couples in cultivating this security, even if it wasn’t part of their early experience.
  2. Anxious Attachment:
    Inconsistent caregiving often leads to anxious attachment, where individuals feel unsure about their partner’s availability. They may seek constant reassurance or cling to their partner, fearing abandonment. Imago therapy helps anxious individuals soothe these fears by fostering emotional safety and connection.
  3. Avoidant Attachment:
    Neglectful caregiving can lead to avoidant attachment, where individuals prize independence and struggle with vulnerability. They often keep their partners at arm’s length. Imago therapy gently challenges avoidant partners to open up, creating a safe space for emotional intimacy.
  4. Disorganized Attachment:
    Trauma, chaos, or abuse in childhood often leads to disorganized attachment. These individuals fear closeness but also crave it, resulting in a push-pull dynamic in relationships. Through the Imago dialogue process, couples can unpack these patterns and rebuild trust.

Healing Attachment Wounds Through Imago Therapy

The good news? Attachment styles are not fixed. With awareness and intentionality, you can shift toward secure attachment. Imago therapy offers a structured, compassionate approach to this transformation.

Here’s how:

  • Awareness: By identifying your attachment style and recognising how it plays out in your relationship, you gain clarity about your triggers and patterns.
  • Conscious Choices: Imago therapy encourages you to choose behaviours that build connection, even when old fears arise.
  • Reparenting: Through loving, responsive interactions, you and your partner can “reparent” each other, healing wounds from the past.
  • Safety: The Imago dialogue process fosters emotional safety, allowing both partners to feel seen, heard, and valued.

Choosing Connection Over Fear

Unhealthy relationship patterns often feel familiar because they echo our early experiences. Imago therapy invites couples to move beyond these unconscious reenactments, creating a relationship that feels both exciting and secure.

For those seeking love, choosing a partner with a secure attachment style—or working to develop security together—can profoundly impact your relational satisfaction. Healing doesn’t mean never feeling triggered; it means having the tools and support to navigate those triggers together.

Recommended Resources for Deeper Connection

If you’re curious about attachment and how it influences your relationship, consider these essential reads:

  • Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt is the cornerstone book of Imago therapy, offering insights and exercises to transform your relationship.
  • Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson: Learn how to use attachment principles to strengthen emotional bonds.
  • Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller: A primer on attachment styles and how they play out in adult relationships. Excellent for those on the dating apps.
  • Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin: A neurobiological approach to building secure, lasting relationships.

Your attachment style doesn’t define your destiny—it’s a starting point for growth. With awareness, effort, and the right support, you can rewrite your love story and create a relationship where you and your partner thrive.

Remember, your past may shape you, but it doesn’t have to limit you. In the safe container of an Imago relationship, healing and connection are always possible.

Love to learn about your adventures. Especially if you have attended a Getting the Love You Want workshop. Great to know what happened for you both.

By Philipa Thornton, Psychologist & Advanced Imago Relationship Therapist

Supporting Relationships with Imago Principles: A Path to Connection

Relationships are a beautiful dance between two individuals, each bringing their unique experiences, values, and perspectives. But sometimes, navigating this dance can feel like a challenge, especially when misunderstandings, conflicts, or emotional disconnection arise. That’s where Imago Relationship Therapy steps in—a powerful approach designed to deepen connection, heal past wounds, and foster a more harmonious partnership.

At Marriage Works, we embrace the transformative principles of Imago Therapy to support couples on their journey toward thriving, loving relationships. Understanding and applying these principles can make all the difference if you’re facing a crossroads or want to deepen your bond.

What Is Imago Therapy?

Imago Therapy, developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, is built on the idea that we unconsciously seek partners who reflect our primary caregivers’ qualities (both positive and challenging). These dynamics often lead to familiar patterns in adult relationships. The good news? Imago Therapy offers tools to turn these patterns into opportunities for growth and connection.

Core Imago Principles to Enhance Your Relationship

  1. Conscious Communication
    Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship. Imago principles emphasize intentional dialogue, a structured approach where partners take turns speaking and truly listening. This process fosters understanding, reduces defensiveness, and ensures both partners feel heard and valued.

How to Apply It:
Practice the “Intentional Imago Dialogue.” Start with mirroring your partner’s words, validate their feelings, and empathize with their experience. This creates a safe space for vulnerability and connection.

  1. Understanding Triggers
    In relationships, conflicts often stem from unresolved childhood wounds. Imago Therapy encourages couples to explore these triggers and recognise them as opportunities to heal and grow. By understanding the roots of your partner’s reactions, you can respond with compassion rather than defensiveness.

How to Apply It:
When tension arises, pause and reflect. Ask yourself, “What is this really about for me or my partner?” Discussing these deeper emotions can transform conflict into closeness. We can use either the Behaviour Change Request Dialogue or the Parent-Child dialogue.

  1. Co-Creating a Vision
    Relationships thrive when couples work together to build a shared vision. Imago Therapy inspires partners to move beyond power struggles and create a “conscious relationship” where mutual respect and growth are prioritised.

How to Apply It:
Sit down with your partner and discuss your dreams, goals, and what you both want to create in your relationship. Write it down and revisit it regularly as a couple. The Vision dialogue promotes hope and connection.

  1. Reigniting Romance
    Over time, the spark in relationships can dim, but Imago Therapy reminds us that romance is not a one-time event—it’s a practice. By intentionally investing in connection, couples can rediscover joy and intimacy.

How to Apply It:
Schedule regular “date nights” and surprise your partner with thoughtful gestures. Small acts of love nurture the bond and keep the romance alive. What are your caring behaviours, your love languages and most importantly what are your partners? Knowing these can reignite the romance.

Why Imago Principles Work

What makes Imago Therapy so effective is its focus on collaboration rather than blame. It helps couples view challenges as opportunities to heal and grow together, creating a foundation of mutual trust and understanding.

Take the Next Step

At Marriage Works, we offer Imago workshops and couples counselling tailored to help you apply these principles in your relationship. Our “Getting the Love You Want” workshops provide a safe and supportive environment for couples to explore their patterns, deepen their connection, and rediscover the love they share.

No matter where you are in your relationship journey, Imago principles can support you in building a partnership filled with joy, understanding, and love. Take the first step today—your relationship is worth it!

If you’re ready to transform your relationship, contact us at Marriage Works or sign up for our next couples workshop with the newsletter. Let’s work together to help you get the love you want.

With Love in the Real World,

Philipa & Chris

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