Philipa Thornton – Marriage Works

It’s Not About The Glass… Or Is It?

Why This Is How Your Marriage Ends Hits Home

By Philipa Thornton, Relationship Psychologist & Imago Couples Therapist
President, Resource Therapy International

If I could hand every couple I see one book to read before the wheels fall off, This Is How Your Marriage Ends by Matthew Fray would be high on the list.

Not because it is full of fluffy romantic advice. Not because it gives you a 5-step formula to “fix” your partner. But because it gets painfully real, surprisingly funny, and devastatingly accurate about what actually erodes love.

And spoiler alert – it is not the big betrayals or dramatic moments. It is the empty glass left on the bench after you have asked – again – for it to be put in the dishwasher.

📖 Featured Book: This Is How Your Marriage Ends by Matthew Fray

This is how your marraige ends a hopeful approach to saving relationships by matthew fFray — T

Click here to get your copy on Amazon

The Glass Isn’t The Problem – It’s What It Symbolises

Fray knows this because he lived it. A man who lost his marriage not in one catastrophic moment, but through hundreds of tiny, seemingly insignificant moments of “not getting it.” He thought he was a good husband. He was a good guy. But good intentions do not equal good impact.

The book opens with the story of the glass, how his wife asks him to put his used glass in the dishwasher. He doesn’t. She stops asking. And if you’ve ever had a partner, this hits you square in the chest. We all have our ‘glass’.

You can see both sides: the person who thinks “it’s just a glass, what’s the big deal?” and the partner who feels dismissed, disrespected, and unseen – again.

Fray writes with wit and self-deprecating charm, and beneath the humour lies something deeper: a call to wake up to how our everyday behaviours either build trust or slowly dismantle it. There’s hope here.

We Haven’t Been Taught How To Relationship

One of the most refreshing aspects of this book is that Fray doesn’t shame anyone. Instead, he shows us that most of us simply haven’t been taught the skills we need to do relationships well. This fits in with Imago Relationship Coaching beautifully –

We assume love is enough
We assume good intentions matter most
We assume that if something doesn’t make sense to us, it shouldn’t really matter

That – Fray argues – is where so many of us go wrong.

It is this lack of empathy in action that leads to resentment, disconnection, and heartbreak.

What I Love, And What I Recommend

As a couples therapist, I see this dynamic play out in session after session. It is rarely “infidelity”, “money”, or “sex” that is the true issue, though they may be symptoms.

The underlying cause is often this exact pattern Fray describes:

One partner raises a concern (e.g. the glass)
The other minimises it (“It’s not a big deal”)
The first feels dismissed, not heard
The cycle repeats
Resentment builds
Intimacy fades
And finally, someone says, “I just can’t do this anymore”

Fray writes in a way that is particularly accessible, especially for men and anyone who struggles to see how their good intentions can still cause harm. His voice reminds me of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson, and the relationship wisdom of The 5 Love Languages.

I especially offer this book to the men I coach who want to understand the nuances – what went wrong, and how to get it right moving forward. It invites insight and ownership, and it does so without shame or blame. It opens up reflection in a way that is honest and transformative.

You will laugh, and you will cringe. You might want to throw the book across the room (especially if your partner is reading it and starts underlining passages). But more than that, you will see yourself, and that is what makes this book so powerful.

Final Thoughts, And A Gentle Invitation

What Fray learned the hard way is something many of us need to learn, ideally before we lose what matters most. It is not just about putting the glass in the dishwasher. It is about showing that your partner’s feelings matter. That their needs matter. That they matter.

And yes, we can learn that.

Whether through books like this, or guided support such as our Imago workshops, therapy, or intensives, healing is possible – and deeply rewarding.

Because maybe – just maybe – this is how your marriage begins again.

Happy reading !

How Your Couples May Be Getting Stuck & What You Can Do About It

Last updated on July 11th, 2025 at 09:19 am

If you work with couples, you know the feeling.

You’ve introduced great tools. You’ve taught active listening, mirroring, and validating. You’ve helped them identify their cycles.

And yet… something still feels stuck.

One partner keeps shutting down. The other grows more reactive.

You’re managing emotional flare-ups, dissociation, blank stares – and despite your best efforts, it feels like you’re not getting to the root of the issue.

Sound familiar?

You are not alone.

Whether you are a seasoned couples therapist or new to relational work, these challenges are increasingly common. We know this from the ACES studies and neuroscience advances – trauma is everywhere. And they are often not a sign of clinical inadequacy, but of something deeper: unmet trauma showing up in the room.

That is why trauma-informed couples therapy is not just a buzzword – it is becoming an essential skillset for every therapist who works with relationships.

When Talk Therapy Is Not Enough

The traditional communication-based models – like Imago, EFT, Gottman, or PACT – are powerful. But when a client’s nervous system is overwhelmed by unresolved trauma, insight alone often does not land.

That is when you see:

Looping arguments that never resolve
One partner freezing or becoming flooded
Outbursts that seem out of proportion to the topic
Sessions where you leave drained or uncertain

This is where trauma-informed, body-aware approaches can create real shifts.

As trauma specialist and senior Imago therapist Maureen McEvoy says:

“When we integrate nervous system awareness and parts work into our couples sessions, we meet people where they are – not just where we want them to be.”

Why This Workshop Is A Must-Attend

We are thrilled to welcome Maureen McEvoy (Canada) to Sydney this November for a rare two-day workshop designed specifically for couples therapists:

🧠 Healing Trauma, Restoring Connection
🗓️ 8–9 November 2025 | 📍 Crow’s Nest Community Centre, Sydney
🌐 Book now to avoid disappointment

This is Maureen’s only Australian appearance in 2025, and it is a chance to learn directly from one of the field’s most integrative, compassionate, and experienced trainers.

She brings over 30 years of experience in:

Imago Relationship Therapy (Certified Senior Advanced)
Sensorimotor Psychotherapy
Somatic Experiencing
PACT
Creative approaches such as art therapy
Justice Institute trauma counselling education
Clinical supervision and therapist mentoring

Whether you are Imago-trained, PACT-oriented, EFT-inspired, or creatively curious, this training will enrich your practice.

Trauma healing. How Your Couples May Be Getting Stuck – And What You Can Do About It

What You Will Learn

In two experiential, practice-rich days, you will explore how to:

Work safely with trauma activation in the couple space
Identify trauma responses like freeze, fight, and dissociation in session
Use somatic and parts-based techniques to reach stuck clients
Integrate co-regulation tools and nervous system language into your framework
Support both partners while staying grounded and present yourself
Combine Imago, EFT, PACT, and other approaches through a trauma-informed lens

This workshop is not just about information – it is about transformation.

You will walk away with practical skills, renewed confidence, and a fresh sense of what is possible in your couples’ work.

Who It’s For

💪 You’re a couple’s therapist who has hit roadblocks in sessions
💪 You want to integrate body-based and trauma-informed tools into your relational work
💪 You feel a calling to deepen your presence and precision with complex couples
💪 You crave a training that is warm, experiential, and deeply practical

This training is open to therapists of all models and modalities. And if you are newer to couples work? It is the perfect foundation to build your confidence from the ground up.

Bonus Benefits

🟡 A beautiful Sydney weekend
Enjoy time with colleagues, connect with the Imago and wider therapy community, and take a tax-deductible CPD trip to a fabulous city.

🟡 Connection & Collegiality
Maureen’s teaching style is warm, inclusive, and collaborative. You will learn in a space where your experience is valued, and your questions are welcomed.

🟡 Practical Tools You Can Use Right Away
You will leave with worksheets, practices, and somatic tools ready to bring into your next session.

Final Places – Register Now

🎟️ Early bird price: $995 (ends 31 August)
💳 Standard price: $1195 AUD from 1 September

This event is hosted by Philipa Thornton and Chris Paulin, wife and husband co-directors of the Australian Resource Therapy Institute. We are proud to bring this rare opportunity to the local community, and we look forward to welcoming you.

🌿 Secure your place now and transform your couple’s work from stuck… to healing.

Re-Romanticising Your Relationship: Why Fun and Pleasure Matter

One of the most joyful concepts in Imago Relationship Therapy is re-romanticising. This concept involves intentionally reviving the spark, appreciation, and playfulness that often fade in long-term relationships.

If you have ever thought, “We love each other, but the fun has disappeared,” you are not alone.

Life gets busy. Stress, work, parenting, and emotional disconnection can take their toll.

But the good news is that connection and joy can return when we put intention behind our actions.

What Is Re-Romanticising?

In Imago Relationship Theory, re-romanticising is about reawakening positive energy in your relationship. It is not about grand gestures or manufactured romance. It is about making small, consistent choices that help your partner feel seen, valued, and loved.

Think of it as a return to those early days when everything felt exciting. But this time, you are doing it with deeper understanding and intention. You choose connection, even when it does not come easily.

Why Fun Is Foundational

One of the most overlooked ingredients in a healthy relationship is fun. Playful moments help us bond, regulate stress, and remember why we chose each other in the first place.

In our Marriage Works couples sessions, we often hear things like:

“We do not laugh together anymore.”
“We have lost our spark.”
“Everything feels like a to-do list.”

If this sounds familiar, it might be time to prioritise joy again. That can look as simple as:

Dancing in the kitchen
Sharing a funny memory or an inside joke
Sending a flirty message midday
Taking a walk without your phones
Playing a silly board game or card game

Joy is not frivolous. It is fuel for emotional safety, resilience, and intimacy.

Bringing Pleasure Back

Another part of re-romanticising is reconnecting physically and emotionally through pleasure. In long-term relationships, physical intimacy can become routine or even disappear altogether.

When we lose playfulness, desire often fades too. But pleasure can be a powerful way to reconnect. Not just sexually, but in all five senses. Holding hands. Making eye contact. Laughing and exploring touch in a non-pressured way.

This is where tools like OMGYes can make a real difference.

What Is OMGYes?

OMGYes is a research-based platform that explores what brings women physical pleasure. Based on findings from over 20,000 people, it offers videos, interviews, and interactive touchable tools that help users explore intimacy with confidence and clarity.

It is practical, inclusive, and designed to help couples talk more openly about what feels good.

Many of the couples we see use OMG Yes as a fun, non-threatening way to start conversations about sex and connection.

It is not therapy, but it can be a helpful complement to your journey together.

Limited-Time Sale Now On

At the time of writing, OMGYes is offering a 4th of July sale. If you are curious, now is a great time to explore it. We are not affiliated. We simply love anything that helps couples deepen their connection in real-world ways. No commission here, just a desire – excuse the pun, to share the fun.

A Challenge for You

Try this: do one thing this week to re-romanticise your relationship. Choose something fun, light, and a little bit unexpected.

Focus on connection, not perfection.

And if you would like structured support with your relationship, consider joining one of our Getting the Love You Want workshops. These transformative weekends help couples heal patterns, increase safety, and bring joy back into the relationship.

Because love is not just about staying together. It is about thriving together.

Philipa Thornton, psychologist and certified Imago Relationship Therapist at Marriage Works. We help couples reconnect through the power of intention, dialogue, and fun.

Why Trauma-Informed Couples Therapy Is the New Gold Standard – And How You Can Lead the Change

I am sure you see it, you hear it – in your therapy rooms, online – worldwide, one issue keeps showing up, and showing up hard: trauma.

Unhealed childhood wounds, nervous system shutdowns, and attachment ruptures are driving conflict, disconnection, and despair in modern relationships. As therapists, we witness couples struggling to love each other through the pain of their pasts.

Too often, we are left wondering: How do I help them heal together, not just survive apart?

That’s exactly what Healing Trauma, Restoring Connection, is here to answer.

🧠 The Heart of the Problem

Trauma, especially developmental or relational trauma, does not stay in the past. It lives in the present moment.

In tone of voice. In body posture. In the silence after a sigh.

When couples are trauma-triggered, logic disappears, and love is no longer safe. They move into fight, flight, freeze, flop or fawn. Your therapeutic tools need to meet them there.

🛠️ This Is Where Real Change Begins

That’s why we’ve created a transformational two-day workshop designed specifically for psychologists, couples therapists, and trauma-informed practitioners:

Healing Trauma, Restoring Connection
📅 November 8–9, 2025
📍 Crows Nest Community Centre, Sydney
🕘 9.00 am – 5.00 pm each day

This is not just another CPD box to tick. This is the kind of professional development that changes your practice, and your confidence forever.

Led by Canadian trauma expert Maureen McEvoy, this workshop blends cutting-edge neuroscience, attachment theory, and parts-based therapy with experiential exercises and real-world skills. You’ll explore how to:

Identify trauma responses in relational conflict
Use co-regulation to create safety in the session
Integrate Imago, PACT, EFT, and creative approaches like art therapy
Work with disorganised attachment and somatic cues
Apply structured interventions that restore connection, not just communication

👩‍🏫 Why Maureen?

Maureen McEvoy is one of Canada’s most respected trauma clinicians, a Certified Advanced Imago Therapist, and an acclaimed educator at the Justice Institute of British Columbia. With 30+ years of experience and a heart as steady as her clinical wisdom, Maureen brings warmth, clarity, and humour to even the heaviest topics.

💡 Your Invitation to Step Forward

If you’ve been craving more confidence in trauma work…
If you’re ready to go beyond theory and into embodied skills…
If you want to bring depth and safety into the therapy room—consistently, safely, creatively…

This is your moment, dear couples therapists, couples curious psychologists, and counsellors.

🎟️ Super Early Bird: $895 until 30 June 2025 Standard $1195
📩 To register, email Philipa or visit resourcetherapy.com.au

🛑 Spaces are limited, and this is Maureen’s only Australian appearance in 2025.

Because the world needs more therapists who can hold trauma with courage, and guide couples back to each other.

QR Code for Australia’s Official Imago Association of Therapists

Last updated on May 19th, 2025 at 09:31 pm

Association of Imago Relationship Therapists Australia — Start your therapy journey here. For therapists learn Imago, connect with couples counsellors.

I often refer to Imago Therapy in my blog. That’ s because I use it personally and professionally. The skills I have learnt there have helped us so much. This is why I share this today, a list of beautiful therapists in Australia. The QR code that will take you directly to this amazing site.

QR code Association of Imago Relationship Therapists Australia

Secrets of Successful Relationships

I can write them easily – Love, Respect, Friendship and Trust. Two dimensional words.

It’s the actions and responses that you show and share with your partner that can make or break your partnership. Are you a good friend?

Are you present, listening, showing care, curiosity and connection? Or are you just going through the motions as you walk through the door?

I am not talking about those still in the romance relationship phase here. This is where we are drugged with nature’s anesthesia as Harville Hendrix calls PEA – Phenylethylamine.

When the PEA wears off as it inevitably will, cracks appear. Our partner eats noisily, forgets to call, leaves without kissing you goodbye.

What attracted you initially now repels you.

All minor things but they build up. Resentment festers. If left too long it seems as if the D-word is the only option.

It’s not, change is possible.

How to Keep love alive after the honeymoon is over

Imago Couple Therapy is designed to help you gain skills, communicate, learn and grow together by applying loving, respectful, and trust-building practices.

So stop the resentment rot from setting in. See a relationship specialist today.

Only the other day in a couple therapy session, a husband and wife joined some of the dots on how their life patterns played out.

Husband said, ” Oh I used to take it personally when I imagined you were prioritizing your friends over me.” His Wife said “I can’t say no to my friends, I over-commit myself. I don’t want to let anyone down or it will feel like a failure to me.” Husband “I see now it’s you wanting to please everyone and where this comes from. What a lot of expectation pressure you put on yourself.” Both said they felt hopeful as this new perspective allowed more love and respect to build.

Relationships a two way street. Keep the avenues open with kindness, gratitude and generosity. Your partner will trigger you. Breathe to calm yourself. Use your words, actions, and deeds to inspire the love you want.

The Undoing & Fab February

Welcome to February. Lovely to see you. What a start to 2021. Hope your’s went safely and happily.

During this shut in time Chris and I have had a lot of Netflix binge time. I now belong to three streaming platforms. Truly I never thought I would but there you go.

We certainly enjoyed watching Hugh Grant and Nicole Kidman in the HBO television series ‘The Undoing’. A lot happens in six episodes. I won’t spoil anything, only, in the end, there are ‘just desserts’. Warning TV ending different from book ending. Both work well though.

This inspired me to read the book of the same name. A little slow to start but hang in there.

Nicole Kidman plays a clinical psychologist in private practice who’s written a book – ‘You Should Have Known.’ This becomes a prevailing theme. Her character Grace’s self help title is to help people not make relationship mistakes. To get out early before marriage. She believes people tell you who they are and how they operate (so do I).

If we listened we would avoid all the heartbreak of divorce by not falling for a self-centred person, an emotionally abusive spouse or the addictive partner.

What we start to sense is ‘she should have known’.

We see Grace play out her guilt and denial about who her husband really is. Hugh Grant as Jonathon the pediatric oncologist has the perfect amount of charm and solicitousness. Author Jean Hanff Korelitz has selected a doctor to portray a narcissist capable of much duplicity. As Sam Vaknin, Professor of psychology, specializing in narcissism suggests reading as a way of understanding the narcissist and psychology. This book will give you excellent insight.

Grace as Jonathan’s ‘victim’ and wife starts to see her life unravel. It is only with hindsight she learns the true character of her husband. An egotist hides in plain sight. That is often the way we can’t see things as they are often little pieces of the jigsaw.

Her friends are sidelined systematically and she is isolated from outside observer feedback. This is a common tactic of the abusive person. The wolf separates the lamb from the herd.

We see Grace as confident and competent in her couples counseling profession. Yet her personality has a kind caring self, which totally ignored the red flags. Much to her detriment.

I think we the reader can identify. This guy had sort of ‘saved’ her. Her dating days were over. She settled. On paper, Jonathan Sachs looked much like the perfect spouse.

This is a spell she has to break free of. It is a form of trance I see many caring people struggle with. We see the charming superficial parts with explanations and rationalisations for everything. Yet there actions do not match their plays.

Some professions possibly lend themselves to the double life scenario. I recall a friend who’s best friend died in a helicopter crash. He as a fireman, pillar of the community type. His wife was most distressed at his funeral to learn of his second partner and family.

So take your time read the book, a great diversion.

I coach a lot of single men and woman on relationships. I love seeing their growth and healing as they find an equal and loving match.

For February make it fabulous with diversion and entertainment. Love to hear your thoughts on the book or series if you have read it or would recommend others.

Thanks for reading,

Gratefully, Philipa

Trailer of the Undoing

December Marriage Works

Christmas time can bring a load of feelings. For some of us these are heavy, painful and lonely times. For others, it’s a joyous celebration of connection.

My friend and eminent couples therapist Michele Weiner- Davis’ said at training, we as therapists need to be able to heal relationships. That includes our own circle.

Shutting off or cutting off as it is called in therapy speak it not the most healthy option. Real courage comes from working through the rupture in the relationship to repair and healing.

It is a bias of mine for families to have connections. So in this video, I will show you a Resource Therapy process for clarification. It’s a safe self-help action you can take. I give a quick demonstration.

I think it beats journalling ( although that is good too) as there is something unique in speaking this out with ourselves.

Note I am not suggesting you have the conversation with the person. Rather this is like the letter you write without sending. It is for you to gain insight and hopefully an emotional shift.
Love to hear how it went for you. please share your experiences.

Philipa Thornton is your Relationship Psychologist in Sydney, and now worldwide online. Philipa and her husband Chris Paulin run Marriage Works their busy private practice, helping couples re-pair with coupe therapy, heal marital issues to find relationship harmony. We assist singles em-power, heal, and develop healthy internal and external relationships.

How Our Childhood Plays Out in Our Partnerships

Have you ever heard your spouse complaining and feel as if you need to respond in kind with your frustration too? Too soon you’re in a massive argument wondering how di you go from 0-100.

Perhaps your mate works a great deal. They say it’s for your family but you feel lonely. You withdraw or share all your love with your children thinking about divorce.

You can’t sit still and relax, there’s a compulsion to keep busy. You worry. Sometimes it even feels like panic.

Maybe you like your world to be a certain way and it feels terrible if there is a disappointment or change of plans. Your partner feels controlled, you often feel out of control.

What is going on here?

Many of our feelings and behavioral responses are laid down in childhood.

We protect, reject, project and react from those childhood parts of us. Our Parts that were emotionally neglected, shamed, abandoned or not accepted or allowed to explore or make mistakes as little people.

We may have received conditional love if we did well at sports or feel that we were not seen, heard, or supported. We feel invisible, voiceless, and not good enough on the inside. It’s a struggle to let love in. We hide.

This then plays out for us in adulthood. Our partner selection ensures we will find a person who mirrors our caregivers negative and positive traits. Our parts will become active in their adaptive ways trying to protect our emotional selves.

**No you haven’t chosen the wrong person.**

Far from it. Indeed you have found the exact match to help you heal and grow.

Perhaps you relate, or see yourself or your partner?

Watch this video and drop a comment in the box below to share your thoughts and reflections.

Help others by sharing your insights below. Thanks for reading !

Clinical Imago Therapist Listing

Shout for those who are looking to re-pair and want to rekindle the good stuff. Home is where the heart is as they say – learn how to reconnect.

Here is my profile on the Australian Imago Relationship Therapy Website – Philipa Thornton Relationship Psychologist

Look there for other well trained clinical couples therapists in your area 🙂