Valentine’s Day can tempt us to ask that scary yet familiar question.
What should I give my partner?
Flowers? Dinner? A surprise? Time away?
But over many years in my therapy room, I’ve noticed something important.
Most partners are not asking for something impressive.
They are asking for something specific.
The mistakes we make
We often offer love in the way we like to receive it.
If we value words, we talk. If we value gifts, we buy. If we value touch, we reach.
Meanwhile, our partner may be longing for something entirely different.
To be listened to. To be prioritised. To feel chosen. To feel safe.
When the offering misses the longing, both people can end the day puzzled.
I tried so hard.
So what does your love need?
Usually, it is one of these:
More attention. More reassurance. More affection. More appreciation. More patience.
Not bigger.
More accurate.
How to discover the answer
Instead of guessing, become curious.
You might ask:
“When do you feel most loved by me?” “What helps you feel close to me lately?” “Where do you miss me?”
These are intimate questions.
They open doors far wider than jewellery.
Why this matters
When love lands lightly, partners soften.
Defences lower. Warmth returns. Hope increases.
Feeling understood and valued is one of the most powerful romantic experiences available to us.
A beautiful Valentine’s experiment
Today, try loving your partner in the way they recognise love.
Not your default.
Theirs.
It might feel unfamiliar. It might stretch you.
It will almost certainly matter.
If the answer feels hard to hear
Sometimes partners say:
“I want more of you.” “I want you less distracted.” “I want to feel important.”
Tender information.
But also precious guidance.
Because now you know where love can grow.
What successful couples learn
Long-term intimacy is not mind-reading.
It is ongoing discovery.
Partners who stay connected keep updating their understanding of each other. They remain students of the person they love.
Curiosity becomes romance.
Final thoughts
The best gift is not extravagance.
It is accuracy.
It says I know you and what you like and love, because I love you.
If you would like support in learning how to understand each other more deeply, our couples workshops and therapy experiences are designed exactly for this work.
✨ Ask the question, or better yet, think back to the clues your loved one has given you. What they love doing, lights them up when they are speaking, the colour they love. Listen in carefully. Offer one small, specific response or take action.
That is a powerful beginning. 💛
With Love, wishing you a happy Valentines – Philipa and Chris
The fate of a relationship is usually decided in passing moments. Not in anniversaries, declarations, or dramatic turning points, but in everyday exchanges of attention, tone, and care.
What years of clinical work reveal
When couples sit down with me, they often search for the event that caused the distance.
They expect something obvious.
Yet more often, the story sounds like this:
One person tried to talk, and the other was distracted with their phone. Excitement met indifference. Vulnerability met with impatience. A bid for comfort and support landed nowhere.
Nothing catastrophic. Just repetition that leads to disconnection.
Love rarely collapses in a single day. It thins gradually when partners stop feeling met.
Why do these moments carry so much power?
Humans are wired for responsiveness. When a reach for connection is answered warmly, the body settles. Safety registers. Trust accumulates.
When the reach is missed, uncertainty grows.
A relationship is built from thousands of these exchanges. The pattern becomes the climate. The climate becomes the story partners tell themselves about being together.
What is it that thriving couples do differently?
They are not more sophisticated. They are more responsive to each other regularly.
They look up. They pause. They ask another question. They repair quickly after missteps.
What are the early warning signs most people miss?
Disconnection rarely announces itself loudly at first.
It appears as reduced curiosity. A flatter tone. More time out. Less turning towards.
This is the moment to act, long before resentment hardens.
This is the most useful question you can ask tonight
When my partner reached for me today, what did they receive from me?
Blame is not the aim. Awareness is.
Once you notice, you regain influence.
What partners report when they shift this
Change tends to be gentle.
We are kinder. We recover faster. I feel closer again.
Not fireworks. Stability.
And stability is what allows affection to grow.
A practice that works in real homes
Next time your partner speaks, let there be a visible moment of arrival as you:
Turn your body. Meet their eyes. Respond with interest and curiosity.
You are communicating value.
Why dependability is deeply romantic
Intensity is exciting, but unpredictability is exhausting.
Knowing someone will be there, again and again, is what makes closeness sustainable.
Reliable connection is the soil romance grows in.
Frequently asked questions
Is something this small truly influential? Yes. Repeated responsiveness reshapes how safe people feel with each other.
What if I am making the effort alone? One partner’s shifting behaviour often softens the relational atmosphere. If progress stalls, support can help both people re-engage.
Do gestures and surprises still matter? They are meaningful when built on everyday contact. Novelty keeps up excitement energy.
Reflections
Every interaction moves a relationship slightly towards closeness or distance. You can choose –
For therapists considering referring individuals or couples they are seeing to couples therapy
Clinicians often tell me they want somewhere safe to send couples for structured relationship education, knowing those clients will be supported and then returned to ongoing care.
Couples gain practical skills in emotional responsiveness, communication, and repair. They return back to youwith shared language, clearer insight, and renewed motivation, which often accelerates progress in individual or couple sessions.
Many referring practitioners notice:
✔ improved stability between sessions ✔ reduced escalation ✔ greater accountability from both partners ✔ more productive therapeutic conversations
You are always welcome to reach out to discuss whether a couple is suitable.
What makes or breaks love in a relationship?
Love is strengthened or weakened in everyday interactions. When partners respond to each other with attention, warmth, and interest, emotional safety grows. When bids for connection are repeatedly ignored or dismissed, distance develops. Over time, these small moments shape the future of the relationship.
Can small behaviours really change a relationship?
Yes. Consistent responsiveness influences how secure partners feel with one another. Even brief moments of eye contact, listening, or gentle acknowledgement can rebuild trust when practised regularly.
What is a bid for connection?
A bid for connection is any small attempt to gain a partner’s attention, support, or closeness. It might be sharing a thought, asking for help, making a joke, or reaching for touch. Turning towards these bids strengthens intimacy.
Why do couples drift apart?
Drift often occurs when partners stop responding to each other’s small emotional signals. The lack of acknowledgement accumulates, leading to feelings of loneliness, misunderstanding, and disconnection.
How can couples reconnect quickly?
Start by noticing moments when your partner reaches for you. Pause, turn towards them, and respond with curiosity or care. Repeating this pattern creates momentum towards closeness.
Practical steps to begin to be the change you want to see
Notice one bid for connection. Respond warmly. Repeat tomorrow and the next day. Allow momentum to build. Smile more, share appreciation and kindness.
For many couples, intimacy doesn’t disappear overnight.
It fades quietly.
You still care about each other. You still function well as a team. Life keeps moving – work, family, commitments – and from the outside everything looks fine.
But something subtle has changed.
Conversations stay practical. Touch becomes brief or absent. You miss the ease you once had, the friendship, the sense of being emotionally close. You may not argue much, but you don’t feel particularly connected either.
In long-term relationships, this experience is far more common than people realise. And it often leaves couples wondering: Is this just what happens over time?
The answer is no. But what helps is not always what people expect.
Why intimacy fades even when love remains
In our work with couples, we often see that intimacy doesn’t fade because partners stop loving each other. It fades because emotional safety becomes thinner over time.
Small moments of disconnection add up. Missed bids for attention. Conversations that feel tense or go nowhere. Old hurts that never quite get repaired. Each experience subtly teaches the nervous system whether it’s safe to open up or better to stay guarded.
Most couples don’t consciously decide to pull away. They adapt.
They become efficient. Polite. Careful. And gradually, the relationship shifts from emotionally alive to emotionally managed.
Trying harder or “communicating better” rarely solves this, because intimacy isn’t created by effort alone. It’s created when both partners feel safe enough to be real with each other again.
Why talking about the problem often isn’t the solution
Many couples try to fix fading intimacy by talking about it more.
Ironically, this can make things worse.
When conversations feel charged, one partner may push for closeness while the other pulls back. One feels unheard. The other feels criticised. Both leave the interaction feeling less safe than before.
This isn’t a lack of goodwill. It’s a lack of structure.
Without a container that slows things down and reduces reactivity, even well-intentioned conversations can reinforce distance rather than heal it.
What actually helps when intimacy fades
What helps most is not insight alone, but experience.
Couples need opportunities to experience each other differently – to listen and be listened to in ways that feel safe, contained, and meaningful. When the nervous system settles, intimacy often follows naturally.
This is the foundation of the Getting the Love You Want workshop. This couple’s intensive weekend retreat has helped thousands of couples reconnect, re-experience joy and renew desire.
Rather than analysing the relationship or focusing on what’s gone wrong, the workshop provides a structured, private environment where couples can reconnect through guided experiences.
It’s not group therapy. It’s not about sharing personal stories publicly.
Couples spend most of the time working one-to-one with each other, supported by a clear relational process that helps conversations slow down and feel safer.
What couples often notice during the workshop
Many couples are surprised by what shifts.
They notice how quickly defensiveness drops when conversations are structured. They begin to hear their partner in a new way – not just the words, but the meaning underneath.
For couples who have lost a sense of friendship, this can be deeply relieving. Instead of feeling like they’re negotiating or defending positions, they experience moments of genuine understanding.
These moments matter. Intimacy is rebuilt not through grand gestures, but through repeated experiences of feeling emotionally met.
Why this approach works for long-term couples
Long-term relationships carry history. Patterns. Memory.
The Getting the Love You Want workshop is based on an internationally recognised relationship model that understands this reality. Rather than blaming individuals or labelling relationships as “unhealthy,” it focuses on how connection is created, lost, and restored over time.
This approach has been used by couples around the world because it respects both partners and prioritises safety. When people feel safe, closeness becomes possible again.
“We’re not in crisis – is this still relevant?”
This is one of the most common questions couples ask.
The truth is that many of the couples who benefit most are not in crisis at all. They are still committed. They still care. They simply don’t want emotional distance to become the norm.
Intervening at this stage is often far more effective than waiting until resentment or withdrawal has taken hold.
Choosing to invest in connection early is not an admission of failure. It’s an act of care for you, your relationship and your loved ones.
A different kind of choice
When intimacy fades, couples often tell themselves they’ll deal with it later, when things slow down, when life is less busy, when it becomes unavoidable.
But closeness rarely returns on its own.
The Getting the Love You Want workshop offers couples a chance to pause, step out of daily patterns, and reconnect in a way that is structured, respectful, and deeply human.
Not because something is broken. But because what matters deserves attention.
Sometimes what actually helps is not waiting, not pushing harder, and not drifting further apart, but deliberately choosing to turn back towards each other.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is this workshop only for couples in crisis?
No. Many couples attend because they still care deeply about each other but feel less connected than they used to. The workshop is especially helpful when intimacy and friendship have faded, even if there’s no major conflict.
Is the Getting the Love You Want workshop group therapy?
No. This is not group therapy. While the workshop is held with other couples present, most of the work is done privately, one-to-one with your partner. Sharing with the group is always optional.
What if we’re not good at talking about feelings?
That’s very common. The workshop provides a clear structure that helps conversations feel safer and less overwhelming. You don’t need to be articulate or emotionally skilled to benefit.
Do we need to prepare or read anything beforehand?
No preparation is required. You simply come as you are. The workshop is designed to meet couples where they’re at, without homework or prior reading.
How is this different from couples counselling?
Rather than ongoing sessions, the workshop offers a focused, immersive experience over two days. Many couples find this helps them shift patterns more quickly and gives them tools they can continue using afterwards.
What if one of us is unsure about attending?
That hesitation is very common. You don’t need to be certain or have a shared goal beyond wanting things to feel better. Curiosity and willingness are enough.
No affairs. No dramatic blow-ups. No talk of separation.
From the outside, they look like a solid couple. They work, parent, manage life, and get through the week. There’s care, loyalty, and shared history.
Yet somewhere along the way, the aliveness between them has faded.
Evenings are quieter than they used to be. Conversations stay practical. Touch is brief. Intimacy feels awkward or effortful.
When they try to talk about it, the conversation goes in circles, or one of them shuts down.
Eventually, one of them says it out loud:
“We love each other, but something is missing.”
This is a composite couple, drawn from the many couples who come to this work. And if this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
Why talking harder hasn’t worked
Most couples in this place have already tried.
They’ve had “the talk”. They’ve promised to try harder. They’ve read articles or listened to podcasts.
And yet, nothing really shifts.
That’s because disconnection isn’t usually a communication problem. It’s a relational safety problem.
Over time, small hurts accumulate. Moments of feeling unseen or misunderstood don’t quite get repaired. Each partner adapts in quiet ways – withdrawing a little, pleasing a little more, avoiding certain topics, protecting themselves from disappointment.
No one is doing anything wrong. They’re doing what humans do when closeness starts to feel risky.
Love is still there. But safety has thinned.
The insight behind the Getting the Love You Want Imago approach
The Getting the Love You Want workshop is grounded in Imago Relationship Therapy, a relationship model developed over four decades ago.
Imago began with a deceptively simple question: Why do loving relationships so often get stuck in the same painful patterns?
The answer was both relieving and confronting.
According to Imago, we are unconsciously drawn to partners who reflect not only the best of what we knew growing up, but also the unresolved emotional wounds. Not because we enjoy pain, but because our nervous system is seeking growth, repair, and completion.
This explains something many couples quietly struggle with:
Why the person you love most can also trigger you most. Why the same arguments repeat, even with good intentions. Why trying harder doesn’t necessarily create closeness.
Rather than seeing conflict as failure, Imago reframes it as a signal – an invitation to slow down, listen differently, and rebuild connection with intention.
From a therapy model to a global relationship movement
What began in therapy rooms quickly grew into a global approach to relationship repair and growth.
Imago Relationship Therapy is now practised in nearly 50 countries, with thousands of trained professionals supporting couples worldwide. The book Getting the Love You Want became an international bestseller because it offered something many couples had never experienced before:
A way to understand why they were stuck A structure for difficult conversations And a path back to connection without blame
Today, the Getting the Love You Want workshop is one of the most widely attended relationship workshops in the world, offered across the US, UK, Europe, and Australia.
Not because it promises perfection – but because it creates safety.
Why the workshop format works so well
Many couples arrive having already tried counselling or “talking it through” on their own.
What’s different about this workshop is the container.
It’s not group therapy. It’s not about sharing your story publicly.
It’s a private, structured, two-day experience where you work primarily one-to-one with your partner, guided through a clear process that helps you:
Slow conversations down so they don’t escalate
Feel heard without defensiveness
Speak without blame or shutdown
Understand what’s happening beneath the surface
Rebuild safety, step by step
Most of the work happens between the two of you. Sharing with the group is always optional.
Couples often say the workshop creates a different kind of shift because you’re not dipping in and out of the work. You’re immersed. Supported. Contained.
Instead of analysing your relationship, you experience being listened to differently.
And that experience is what creates change.
“We’re not in crisis – is this still for us?”
One of the biggest myths about relationship support is that you need to be at breaking point.
In reality, many couples attend the Getting the Love You Want workshop at exactly the point where things are still intact, but connection is thinning.
They’re committed. They care. They just don’t feel met anymore.
This is often the most powerful moment to intervene.
Because rebuilding connection is far easier than repairing damage done by years of emotional distance, resentment, or quiet loneliness.
An invitation to choose each other again
If you recognised yourself in this story – loving each other, functioning well, but sensing that something essential is missing – this is your gentle nudge.
The Getting the Love You Want relationship workshop is running 7–8 March in Crows Nest, Sydney.
It’s private. It’s structured. And it’s designed for couples who want to reconnect before disconnection becomes the norm.
You don’t need to be in crisis. You just need to be willing to slow down and choose each other again.
When Chris and I first attended a Getting the Love You Want workshop, we weren’t there as psychologists or presenters. We were there as a couple.
Two life partners who wanted to strengthen our relationship, communicate better, and stop going around in the same familiar loops.
That first weekend changed everything.
We sat side by side, learning how to slow down, really listen, and understand each other in new ways.
For Chris, who holds a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology and brings over 40 years of experience to his work, it was refreshing to sit in the chairs simply as a partner. For me, it was deeply moving to feel our connection shift in real time.
Chris, true to form, though nervous, was also cheering me on with his quiet humour, keeping time, offering snacks, and grounding the moment when things felt intense. That experience didn’t just support our relationship. It inspired us both.
Thats why we want to invite you to our next Getting the Love You Want Couples Workshop – we know we did!
The separation of Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban after almost twenty years together has sparked global attention. Some of us may be shocked, disappointed, and others may say the writing was on the wall. While celebrity stories often focus on glamour or scandal, as a couple’s psychologist, I see something deeper: the universal dynamics of love, loss, and how relationships evolve.
Imago Relationship Therapy offers a powerful lens here. It teaches that we are drawn to partners who mirror both our childhood love and our deepest hurts. These unconscious dynamics provide enormous growth potential but can also create tension. Through this perspective, their separation offers lessons we can all learn from.
Separation as evolution is not ending
Media reports describe this as a “strategic separation” rather than a divorce. We can guess this is simply a tactic to handle marriage breakdown in a public arena by being in control of the messaging. Wise move. In Imago terms, this framing suggests an attempt to move beyond unconscious patterns into a more conscious decision about what the relationship needs. By speaking of evolution, they reduce shame and keep the door open for future possibilities.
Public image versus private vulnerability
For years, the couple’s red-carpet affection may have contrasted with unspoken struggles behind the scenes. Big careers, time apart, and disconnection, living parallel lives.
This mirrors how many couples, not only celebrities, present a strong public face while silently suffering. This is the couple where you would say they seemed so good, so loving, we never saw that coming. Imago reminds us that real intimacy happens when masks drop and partners meet each other with honesty and empathy, not performance.
Life stage and accumulated pressures
After nearly two decades, pressures from careers, parenting teenagers, and personal transitions, grief and loss often converge. In Imago, we understand this as a natural stage, the move from romantic love into the power struggle, and then, if embraced, into a conscious relationship of deeper love. The key is whether couples choose to engage with these challenges or retreat from them.
Communication and unmet needs
“I need space” often signals unmet needs that have not been voiced or heard. It’s the escape hatch to stepping further away from a marriage. Without safe dialogue, partners may turn to silence, and withdraw to survive. A lonely existence. Imago Dialogue, with its emphasis on mirroring, validation, and empathy, offers a way back to being truly heard. Without it, distance replaces intimacy.
Silent divorce: when connection fades without words
Some couples separate with drama. Others drift apart quietly. The Kidman Urban separation has been framed as respectful and intentional, but it could also be seen as a kind of silent divorce – when disconnection builds slowly, with little outward conflict, until the bond quietly dissolves.
A silent divorce can be harder to notice than open fighting. Partners may live parallel lives, whilst they avoid conflict, the price paid is avoiding intimacy.
The absence of arguments does not mean health. It may mean both have stopped hoping to be understood. A death knell in romantic relationships.
The good news is that silence is not irreversible. If couples recognise it early, therapy can help them reintroduce dialogue and rediscover the desire to connect.
The first step is breaking the silence. This takes courage. How can Imago Relationship Therapy help? Imago counsellors assist couples in coaching tried, and true communication skills that get to the heart of the issues.
Family, dignity, and legacy
With two daughters, their separation highlights the importance of modelling dignity. Children learn about love, conflict, and repair from what they observe. Even if a couple does not stay together, they can show that endings need not be destructive. Respectful separation can create a legacy of care rather than bitterness. Children are the passengers in this and don’t get a choice. So it’s vital to share age appropriately and shift to co-parenting strategies of support.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is a silent divorce?
A silent divorce is when partners slowly disconnect emotionally, often without fighting or dramatic conflict. They may appear fine to others, but feel lonely and unheard inside the relationship.
Why do long-term marriages end?
Long-term marriages often end due to accumulated stresses: career demands, parenting, identity changes, or unspoken needs. Inability to share beyond complaint, forgotten fun, lack of novelty, those surprises which remind us of our special bond, and emotional loneliness are what I have seen and heard in my office. Over time, the distance can grow until separation feels like the only option. Or there’s a bombshell, like an affair, that goes off in the relationship.
How can couples avoid a silent divorce?
The key is intentional communication. Couples need safe ways to voice needs, frustrations, and longings before silence takes over. Approaches like Gottman, EFT, and Imago Dialogue help partners listen deeply and reconnect to unmet needs. A relationship coach can guide you beyond frustration patterns toward a fulfilling partnership.
Is separation always negative?
Not necessarily. For some couples, separation provides breathing space to reflect and reset. If there are children involved, there will be an ongoing connection. For others, it allows each partner to grow individually while still honouring the relationship’s history.
How can therapy help during separation?
Couples Therapy provides a structured and compassionate space to reduce blame, shame, lower barriers of protective parts, express emotions, and explore choices. Couples may use this time to repair and recommit, or to separate respectfully with clarity and care. Individual therapy can assist in learning and healing from the break-up whilst holding on to your dignity.
Reflections
The Kidman Urban separation reminds us that relationships are not static. They are living systems that require dialogue, intention, and care. 19 years for a successful celebrity couple like Nicol and Keith is a testament to their love and I would guess hard work in and on their relationship, no doubt with professional support along the way.
Whether couples stay together or part ways, the goal is not perfection but authenticity of self, meeting each other with empathy, compassion, and if necessary, choosing to separate with dignity.
With Love and light,
Philipa.
P.S. Don’t leave it too late, reach out to repair today and book your appointment with Chris or me.
When Chris and I first attended a Getting the Love You Want workshop, we weren’t there as psychologists. We weren’t there to tick a professional box.
We were there as a couple, in marital trouble.
Two life partners who wanted to strengthen our relationship, communicate better, and stop tripping over the same old arguments.
Chris was there with his trademark dry humour, a bit tense but wholeheartedly showing up for us. That weekend changed everything.
For me, it opened up a new way of seeing and being in love. For Chris, who holds a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology and brings over 40 years of wisdom to his work, it was a refreshing shift: to sit not as the professional, but as a husband, a partner, a learner.
That first workshop didn’t just help us. It inspired us. And it planted a seed that has grown into one of the pinnacles of our lives together.
🎉 The Milestone We’re Celebrating
Fast-forward years of training, study, and supervision, and here we are.
I’ve completed my final faculty assessment and written a full workshop manual, becoming a certified Getting the Love You Want Imago workshop presenter.
This milestone isn’t just about credentials. It’s about completing a circle: from sitting in the chairs as participants, to standing at the front of the room as leaders.
Chris’s Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology gives him the grounding wisdom that couples instantly feel safe with. I bring the spark, energy, and structure that help people lean into the process. Together, we’re more than the sum of our parts — a partnership that lives this work in our marriage, and now gets to share it with you.
❤️ Why Imago Matters Today
Relationships aren’t easy.
We fall in love, we fuse, and then differences surface. That’s when many couples get stuck in the “power struggle” you know it – circling arguments, silence, withdrawal, resentment.
Imago offers a way through.
With its structured dialogue process, couples learn to:
Slow down and truly listen
Validate each other’s feelings (even when you disagree, Yes)
Cross the bridge into your partner’s world with empathy
Move from blame, criticism, to curiosity
Reignite the safety and playfulness of love
This isn’t theory. It’s practice. Couples feel the shift in the room, in real time.
💬 What Couples Say
“We came in barely talking. We left holding hands with hope again.” – L & A, Sydney
“It felt like hitting the reset button. We laughed, cried, and remembered why we chose each other.” – J & M, Melbourne
“I was sceptical, but this workshop exceeded every expectation. Chris and Philipa create such a safe and inspiring space.” – K & T, Canberra
🔮 Looking Ahead – 2026 I Imago Workshops
With certification complete, we’re preparing to launch our Getting the Love You Want workshop retreats program in 2026.
We’ll only run a handful each year. They’re intentionally small and intimate, so every couple feels supported. And yes — they sell out fast.
Imagine it: two days away from phones, kids, and work. Just you and your partner, guided by two psychologists who live this work every day. A reset, a reconnection, a chance to find each other again.
Would Bali in June be an option – we are taking expressions of interest.
✅ Be The First to Know
If you’d like to be the first to hear when 2026 dates open, join our priority list today.
2026 Getting the Love You Want Couples Workshop, 7 & 8 March
We’re thrilled to announce that our first Getting the Love You Want workshop of 2026 will be held on 7 & 8 March in Crows Nest, Sydney Australia.
Unlike group therapy, this workshop is just for you and your partner. You’ll work privately together on structured dialogues, exercises, and reflections.
You never have to share anything with the group unless you genuinely feel moved to. Couples often tell us this gives them both safety and freedom, they’re not put on the spot, yet they feel the collective support of others on the same journey.
Over two transformative days, you can expect to:
Discover the hidden roots of recurring conflicts (the “why” behind your arguments)
Practise communication skills that turn criticism into curiosity
Move through the “power struggle” stage into conscious, intentional partnership
Reconnect with empathy, affection, and playfulness
Leave with a practical toolkit to keep your love strong long after the weekend ends
❓ Quick answers couples ask
What is the Getting the Love You Want workshop? It’s a two-day Imago Relationship Therapy program created by Dr Harville Hendrix and Dr Helen LaKelly Hunt. Couples learn how to move from conflict to connection using dialogue, empathy, and relational tools.
Who will be leading the May 2026 Sydney workshop? It’s facilitated by Philipa Thornton, psychologist, with trusty assistant husband, Chris Paulin, who holds a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology and over 40 years of experience. Together, we bring both professional expertise, lived partnership, and fun.
Do we have to share with the group? No. You’ll work privately with your partner. Sharing is optional — only if you feel moved to.
Where is the May 7–8 workshop held? In Sydney, at a comfortable, welcoming venue designed for safety, learning, and connection.
✅ Reserve your place early
Our next Getting the Love You Want workshop will run on 7 & 8 May 2026 in Sydney.
These weekends are intentionally small, intimate, and sell out quickly. If you’d like to be the first to secure your spot, join our priority list today.
In a world that often feels uncertain and heavy, your relationship can become a safe harbour. When the seas are stormy, it’s easy for the stressed, anxious, or serious parts of us to grab the wheel. Yet, beneath the surface, your joyful, playful, and hopeful states are still there — waiting to be invited back on deck.
From an Imago perspective, we care deeply about the issues that divide couples — conflict, disconnection, or unhealed hurts. But just as important is rekindling joy and nurturing the parts of us that celebrate, laugh, and feel most alive. Without joy, repair doesn’t last. Without rituals, love feels adrift.
The Science of Joy and Rituals
The Gottman Institute’s neuroscience research in their relationship lab shows that couples who create rituals of connection, whether a daily hug, a shared coffee, or a playful check-in, activate oxytocin and dopamine pathways. These “feel-good” chemicals build emotional safety and resilience, making couples better able to weather stress.
From a Resource Therapy lens, you can see this as giving voice to the joyful parts of you. When these states steer for a while, the ship of your relationship feels lighter, steadier, and more loving. Now, for some of us, this might be a stretch. I personally grew up in an environment where criticism was seen as encouragement to better yourself. A relic of old thinking, you might notice your own.
Try this Joy Imago Dialogue tonight 🌸
Sit down together, take a deep breath, and explore these prompts:
A small joy I’d love to share with you more often is …
A time I felt most alive and connected with you was …
What helps me celebrate our love is …
💡 Tip: As you listen, notice which part of your partner is speaking. Is it their playful state? Their tender state? Their hopeful state? Mirror back what you hear, and appreciate the part that has shown up.
Why Joy Matters
Every joyful moment is a conscious choice to steer your ship with intention. When couples honour the parts that want joy and fun, they strengthen their love story, creating ripples that echo out into family, friendships, and community.
👉 Your turn: What has recently brought you joy, laughter, or a small celebration in your relationship? Share it in the comments — your story might inspire another couple to reclaim joy, too.
Philipa’s Joy and Celebration Imago Dialogue PDF download here.
Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce just announced their engagement 💍—cue the glitter, champagne, and endless playlists. If you’re newly engaged, too, congratulations! It’s a magical time, but let’s be honest: planning a wedding can bring as much stress as sparkle.
That’s where Imago Relationship Therapy gives you tools to laugh more, fight less, and grow a marriage that lasts.
At Marriage Works, we believe love lives in the everyday moments—what we call Love in the Real World. Here’s a playful guide to get started.
Talk so love doesn’t get lost in the planning
Wedding chat can turn tense fast (hello, guest lists 🙃). Imago dialogue slows things down so both of you feel heard:
Mirror: “I hear you saying…”
Validate: “That makes sense or I can understand …”
Empathise: “I imagine you might be feeling…”
✨ Try this tonight: Pick one tiny topic (cake flavour, song choice) and practise the three steps. If you end up laughing—bonus points.
Zero negativity (ZNP) = maximum fun
Stress brings snark. Imago’s Zero Negativity Pact helps keep it kind. Swap: “You never help!” For: “Would you be willing to call the florist by Friday?”
✨ Couple cue: If negativity sneaks in, one of you says, “Reset?” and you both start fresh.
Small rituals, big connection
Engagement isn’t just planning—it’s practice for the life ahead. Build mini-rituals now:
Daily appreciation: one thing you love about your partner (tiny and specific). E.g. I love you, bring me coffee in the morning, you are so thoughtful.
Weekly check-in: 30 minutes on connection, logistics, and dreams. E.g. What wins did we have this week? How can we celebrate?
Stretching: do one thing that matters to your partner—even if it’s not your style. (Yes, slow dancing in the kitchen counts 💃🕺.)
Why start before the wedding?
Because wedding stress is like a training ground. If you can practise dialogue, zero negativity, and tiny rituals now, you’ll be better prepared for the everyday joys (and bumps) of married life.
💌 Want more?
Join our newsletter Love in the Real World for bite-sized inspiration, real stories, and practical tips to keep your relationship thriving.
After decades of working as a psychologist, couples therapist, and trainer, I thought I had seen it all when it came to helping people reconnect. Then I experienced the Getting the Love You Want weekend Imago couples workshop. It was unlike anything I had ever encountered: powerful, practical, and deeply moving, and it changed the way I think about relationships, both in my professional work, and in my marriage.
Grounded in Imago Relationship Theory, and Therapy, this internationally acclaimed program is not only for romantic couples. It is equally powerful for therapists, friends, colleagues, parent–adult child pairs, and adult siblings anyone who wants to communicate more effectively, understand each other more deeply, and build a relationship that lasts.
Where it all Began – A Love Story with Challenges
The Getting the Love You Want workshop was created by Dr Harville Hendrix, and Dr Helen LaKelly Hunt in the late 1980s. Their vision grew from both professional expertise, and personal crisis.
At one point, Helen, and Harville’s marriage was on the brink of collapse. They had even flown to New York to tell their children they were divorcing. Before meeting them, they wandered into a bookstore. That chance moment sparked deep conversations about love, safety, and connection. From that turning point, they developed the concepts and practices that became Imago Relationship Therapy (Hendrix & Hunt, 2017).
Meeting Helen in Las Vegas
A few years ago, I had the privilege of meeting Helen at the Imago International Conference in Las Vegas. She shared that story with me in person, and her openness, humour, and hope struck me. Hearing directly from one of the founders reminded me that Imago is not just a therapy model. It is a lived experience, forged in the fire of real-life relationships.
From Pain to a Global Movement
Since its creation, Imago Relationship Therapy has grown into a worldwide movement helping couples, families, and communities. In recent years, Helen, and Harville have refined their work into the 5Rs framework, a clear roadmap for creating and sustaining safe, connected relationships (Hendrix & Hunt, 2021).
The 5Rs: a Roadmap for Re-Connection
When you attend the workshop, you are guided through five key steps:
Re-Commit – Making a conscious choice to invest in your relationship.
Re-Image – Seeing each other with fresh eyes, free from past assumptions.
Re-Structure – Learning the Intentional Dialogue, a structured way to speak and listen without defensiveness.
Re-Romanticise – Rebuilding joy, appreciation, and playfulness.
Re-Vision – Creating a shared vision for the future you both want.
Each step is practised in real time with your partner, colleague, or family member, so you leave not just inspired but equipped with tools you can use immediately. The bonus of having your personal workshop manual to refer to post-workshop is undeniable.
Common Fears
Many people hesitate before attending, wondering:
Will we have to share personal details in front of strangers? No. This is not group therapy. All personal work happens privately in your pair.
Is group sharing mandatory? No. Group sharing is optional and focuses on insights, not private stories.
What if we argue? The safety and structure of the Intentional Dialogue mean reactive patterns are stopped before they spiral. Our team will be there to assist you. You don’t have to go it alone.
While you work privately, seeing others practise can be inspiring. Many participants say that witnessing another pair’s courage helps them believe change is possible in their relationship.
Each step is practised in real time with your partner, colleague or family member, so you leave not only inspired but also equipped with practical tools you can start using straight away. You will also take home your own workshop manual, a valuable resource you can return to again and again to keep building your connection long after the workshop ends.
Is it Only for Couples?
While many people attend with their romantic partner, the workshop is equally powerful for:
Therapists attending with a colleague for professional development
Parent, and adult child pairs
Adult siblings
Friends or business partners wanting a deeper understanding and improved communication
Why this Work Matters to Me
As psychologists, and as a married couple, Chris, and I do not just teach relational skills; we use them. The Getting the Love You Want tools have helped us navigate differences, dramas, disconnects, deepen our understanding, and stay connected through the ups and downs of life.
Attending this weekend workshop with Chris years ago was so powerful, I am now on the journey to becoming a certified Getting the Love You Want Workshop presenter. My goal is to share this life-changing work with couples, families, and colleagues here in Australia soon.
Be the First to Know
If you are curious about the Getting the Love You Want workshop and would like to be the first to hear when I offer it, you can join my mailing list here for updates. I would love to one day meet you and share this wonderful journey with you.
References
Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. L. (2017). Doing Imago relationship therapy in the space-between: A clinician’s guide. Routledge.
Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. L. (2019). Getting the love you want: A guide for couples (20th anniversary ed.). St. Martin’s Griffin.
Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. L. (2021). The space between: The 5Rs of safe and connected relationships. Penguin.
Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. Guilford Press.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (2nd ed.). Harmony.
Tatkin, S. (2016). Wired for love: How understanding your partner’s brain and attachment style can help you defuse conflict and build a secure relationship. New Harbinger.
